%title Hmm.
%date 2005-07-25 11:24:05
:diary:livejournal:fossils:

<details text="Wangst."><summary>Wangst.</summary>
The ennui's dragging me down hard, now, and it's breeding a strange sort of problem.

The keystone of my sanity - and, as a byproduct, my happiness - I've decided, is the ability to accept.  Accepting knowledge, accepting emotions, accepting gifts and food and drink and abilities and everything into myself.  I think that this is the reason I cannot deal with drugs, and have a hard time dealing with being physically sick: the first removes that ability completely (and thus drives me insane, for however long a period), and the second reminds me of weakness in this keystone (not that there is one; I understand that many times, physical sickness is unavoidable, but the connection is there, somewhere in my sub- or unconscious).  

More to the point, this endless boredom gnawing at me, even if I find something to occupy my time, has me thinking a lot and has, in turn, worn away at my acceptance to the point where, when I was trying to sleep tonight, I had to force myself to backtrack along twisted trains of thought to disentangle myself from my own web of angsty confusion.  One of my habits when I get myself lost like that is to envision scenarios involving one or the other of the parties hurt, dead, or otherwise incapacitated and focusing on the other party's reaction.  Now that I'm calm, I have to rethink all of those potential conversations without having to balance in pity, despair, shared pain and all that other baggage.  As it stands, no problems have been solved by all this work, and I don't expect they will be for quite a while; a thought which leads me to thinking I'd be better off sleeping, which led briefly to thoughts of a more permanent sleep.

And I thought I was over all that :o)

Anyway, I think that this Korea trip will help a good deal, even though I'm dreading that tonic: absence.  Ten days of little-to-no computer, no phone service, and thirty-six other music geeks, none of whom particularly know I'm gay, furry, a geek, or any of the other little things that come with being in such a tightly knit group, all in a country where English is the second language.  My hope is that this balm will be the bane of boredom-encumbered thoughtfulness, and that maybe I'll be able to accept what seems to be a growing unbalance in my emotional relationships.  Something which, at this moment, seems to me to be utterly distant, insubstantial, and all-too-depressing, what with such things playing a huge role in my life.

In short: I'm bored, which has be thinking about what I mean to people and what they mean to me in all the wrong ways, only to realize that and try to think of them in different ways, which are also probably wrong.  Introspection's a real bitch. :D

Anyway, you know I love you all, and well all know things will never "work out, for better or for worst," but will keep on changing, indifferent to it all.

</details>