Dee > Been thinking.

Dee > We still talk a lot, and I really like that. For having only had a little bit of time together at UI, it's nice that we've been able to keep up with each other.

Kay > Yeah?

Kay > I mean, I like it too.

Kay > I only talk to you and like two classmates from that time, and one only because he's also up here in Boise.

Dee > Yeah.

Dee > So I don't know if this is weird or not. It's not something I've ever done or

Kay > ?

Dee > Not something I've ever done or really felt, but I think I really like you.

Dee > Know I really like you.

Dee > And goodness knows I have no idea what to do about it.

Dee > It's taken me weeks to even get to the point where I could say that.

Kay > Huh...

Dee > ???

Kay > I like you too, but I'm not sure if it's in the same way?

Kay > Assuming you mean romantically.

Dee > Yes.

Kay > Yeah, see.

Kay > I don't know.

Dee > I don't either, I guess.

Kay > I'm really not sure how to take this conversation haha

Kay > I hope that's not

Kay > I don't know

Kay > Painful?

Dee > Well.

Kay > Yeah, sorry...

Dee > No no, I mean

Dee > Well, it is, but that's not quite where I was going, hah.

Kay > Sorry. I'll let you type.

Dee > I don't really know what I wanted out of this conversation, to be honest. I wasn't even intending for it to be a conversation, at least right off the bat. I had a whole email written up that I was going to send you, to be perfectly nerdy about it.

Dee > Feelings like this aren't logical, you know? So I think I just wanted to say that because I don't know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.

Dee > And I should add

Dee > The goal is specifically not to do that. It wasn't to try and rope you into something you don't want to do, and I don't want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.

Dee > Guilt you into it or whatever.

Dee > But I did want to talk about it and get it off my chest.

Dee > And I guess that's it.

Kay > Alright.

Kay > I mean, I don't think you could guilt the wings off a fly, Dee.

Kay > The whole Catholic thing is guilting yourself, right?

Dee > That's a bit of an uncharitable way to put it.

Kay > Sorry. You know I don't understand it.

Dee > Yeah.

Kay > And that's maybe part of it.

Dee > How so?

Kay > How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe the same stuff?

Kay > Doesn't believe any of it, I mean.

Kay > I'm not going to knock it or anything, but I'm not going to try it, either.

Kay > I'm sorry.

Dee > Hah.

Dee > Sorry, that came out weird?

Dee > Seriously, though, I really don't know. This whole thing, this whole crush or whatever it is, I don't know what the end goal of it is. It's limerence, it's something that's happening to me, and I don't know what to do about it. It's this enormous feeling and you're the limerent object, and I hate that my brain is doing it.

Dee > And at the same time, I really do like you, and that is something I am happy to accommodate even in the context of our friendship.

Dee > Because above all else, I'm simply happy to have you as my friend.

Kay > Same!

Dee > And even if a relationship isn't in our future, that's totally okay.

Kay > Thanks Dee <3

Kay > I don't know, it's weird.

Kay > I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it? Not like you were being a weirdo.

Kay > Or any more than usual ☺

Kay > Just little things about how you acted when I was over. Nothing bad, just you had a certain distance about you, like you were being extra careful about something or guarding something. Like, every time you came over to my place and wound up sitting in my bed or something, you'd get all quiet.

Kay > I realize after the fact that that was probably super weird for you. Sorry about that.

Dee > Oh, are you saying I was more awkward than usual? Shock and surprise!

Kay > Haha

Dee > It was weird, but please don't put that on you. I just...yeah, I was fighting with my emotions at the time, and huddling on your bed where literally all I could smell was you and with you being the sole focus of my attention, it was...well.

Dee > Intense, I guess.

Kay > I bet.

Kay > Still, I'm sorry, Dee.

Kay > I won't say my 'no' is absolute and forever, I can't predict that, but it is a 'no' for now.

Dee > Thanks, Kay.

Dee > For being so open about it, I mean.

Dee > And honest, I guess.

Dee > Uh...and to continue being awkward for at least a moment longer, are you okay remaining friends?

Kay > Dee I swear to god

Kay > If you did anything to stop being friends with me a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I'd go fucking nuts. We're friends, okay? If a friendship can't take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P

Dee > Haha. Well, good. I'm not keen on getting my ass kicked, and ditto. I'd rather have my nails pulled out that lose you as a friend.

Kay > Gross

Kay > ☺ 

Dee > It feels surprisingly good to get that out.

Kay > Even if it isn't the outcome you wanted?

Dee > It's weird.

Dee > I'm not sure what outcome it is that I really wanted.

Dee > I mean, not gonna lie, if we'd wound up going out or whatever, that would've been nice! But I don't think that was *actually* my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.

Kay > I bet!

Kay > How long has it been, anyway?

Kay > Shit. If you don't mind me asking, that is. I don't want to draw it out if this is just continuing to hurt you or anything ☹

Dee > No, it's okay! It's made me a weird, giggly mess for some reason because apparently I'm still twelve, admitting that I have a crush, but it's good to talk about.

Dee > Way better than an email would have been, yikes.

Dee > But it's been about six months? A bit longer?

Kay > Can I just say that you writing up a whole-ass email to tell me that you like me is the most Dee possible thing that I can think of?

Dee > I set up an archetype for myself and have no choice but to live up to it.

Kay > Nerd

Kay > What was even in the email?

Dee > I still have it in drafts. Want me to just send it?

Kay > Sure

Kay > Oh Dee

Kay > This is incredibly sweet, jesus.

Kay > You're still a total nerd

Kay > But whoever you wind up with is gonna be the luckiest gal out there.

Kay > Man, I'm sorry.

Dee > ??

Kay > I feel like I'm teasing you by saying that ☹

Dee > I don't feel teased.

Dee > A bit...bashful, maybe?

Dee > And I'm not going to lie that hearing that makes me a little bit hopeful for the future, but I stand by what I said that I'm alright with your answer, and am happy to have you as a friend.

Kay > Uh

Kay > Yeah, I don't know

Kay > Let's talk about it in the future sometime, then? Because yeah, like

Kay > Maybe we could make it work?

Kay > But just not right now

Kay > I can picture it in my mind, and you're cute and sweet and we have fun, but I guess I just can't say yes right now.

Dee > For the future, then.

Dee > For now, I'm gonna go order some food. Not to put an artificial stopper in this, but maybe we can just chill with a movie or something after?

Kay > Yeah, sounds good ☺  Sci-fi bullshit?

Dee > Oh, definitely sci-fi bullshit



