%title Shanerak
%date 2008-05-27 03:46:57
:diary:livejournal:fossils:

Really sort of torn up about all this, and I can feel all sorts of defense mechanisms rising to the fight without my approval :|  Hopefully I'll get over it by tomorrow.

<details><summary>Read more...</summary>
(7:35:52 PM) Drab Makyo: Dook.
(7:35:57 PM) Shanerak: yap
(7:36:03 PM) Drab Makyo: How's it going?
(7:36:08 PM) Shanerak: not bad
(7:36:10 PM) Shanerak: you?
(7:36:52 PM) Drab Makyo: Alright, I guess.  Just walked the dog and whatnot.  Kinda bored now.
(7:36:57 PM) Shanerak: ah
(7:37:04 PM) Shanerak: same here, just sittin
(7:38:20 PM) Drab Makyo: Nice.  Got the day off?
(7:38:35 PM) Shanerak: no, lol
(7:38:38 PM) Shanerak: i was at work today
(7:38:45 PM) Drab Makyo: Oh, haha, oops.  Alright :o)
(7:39:57 PM) Shanerak: yeah 
(7:40:04 PM) Shanerak: i found the normal verson of schwienne
(7:40:05 PM) Shanerak: lol
(7:40:19 PM) Drab Makyo: Oh, awesome :3  The video, or just the song?
(7:41:25 PM) Shanerak: the song
(7:42:25 PM) Drab Makyo: http://youtube.com/watch?v=2kDbGdoDXE4
(7:43:27 PM) Shanerak: oh that
(7:43:30 PM) Shanerak: haha yeah ive seen that
(7:43:37 PM) Drab Makyo: Hehe, alright :o)
(7:45:38 PM) Shanerak: weird video
(7:53:24 PM) Shanerak: tired :|
(7:53:35 PM) Shanerak: started using my old ass aim name on irc
(7:53:37 PM) Shanerak: beachjackal
(7:53:38 PM) Shanerak: lol
(7:53:42 PM) Drab Makyo: Me too.  Lonely up in FoCo, too.,
(7:53:47 PM) Drab Makyo: Haha, yeah, saw you online :3
(7:53:53 PM) Shanerak: lol
(8:03:00 PM) Drab Makyo: So what was Jill's post about?  Media or Necco?
(8:03:43 PM) Shanerak: jeff :3
(8:03:49 PM) Drab Makyo: Pff, nice :o)
(8:03:59 PM) Shanerak: yeah he's toolbox number one at this point
(8:04:03 PM) Drab Makyo: Nice :D
(8:04:11 PM) Drab Makyo: Sounds like things are changing down there.
(8:04:20 PM) Shanerak: yeah, they are
(8:04:34 PM) Drab Makyo: Heh, who does she 'fancy quite a bit'?
(8:04:46 PM) Drab Makyo: Gossip, lol :|
(8:04:50 PM) Shanerak: oh
(8:04:53 PM) Shanerak: well
(8:04:59 PM) Shanerak: me
(8:05:11 PM) Drab Makyo: Ah, heh, was gonna ask :o)
(8:05:16 PM) Shanerak: yeah :|
(8:06:57 PM) Drab Makyo: Mutual, then?
(8:07:09 PM) Shanerak: not sure about that one
(8:07:13 PM) Shanerak: see im still
(8:07:16 PM) Shanerak: gay?
(8:07:20 PM) Shanerak: its real weird
(8:07:40 PM) Drab Makyo: Well, hey, I did the girl thing, too.
(8:07:47 PM) Drab Makyo: Twice, even :|
(8:07:52 PM) Shanerak: twice? o_O
(8:07:59 PM) Drab Makyo: Moondog and Kayla.
(8:08:06 PM) Shanerak: ohh
(8:08:10 PM) Shanerak: who's kayla? :P
(8:08:47 PM) Drab Makyo: Some girl end sophomore year of college.  Didn't last, 'cause she turned out to be kind of a terrible person.
(8:09:22 PM) Shanerak: oh, yeah
(8:09:24 PM) Shanerak: you told me that
(8:10:08 PM) Shanerak: anyway yeah, its weird
(8:10:17 PM) Shanerak: kinda weird talking to you about it, because I don't wanna seem like
(8:10:25 PM) Shanerak: I dunno
(8:10:28 PM) Shanerak: lol
(8:10:32 PM) Drab Makyo: Rynden again?  Or Ty again?
(8:10:37 PM) Shanerak: no
(8:10:48 PM) Shanerak: whatcha mean?
(8:13:07 PM) Drab Makyo: Well, first of all, should admit that I'm not really doing as okay with this as I've been letting on.  Those were really pointed questions, and I probably shouldn't have asked them in the first place c.c
(8:13:23 PM) Drab Makyo: Such a stupid, furry thing to do :o)
(8:13:34 PM) Shanerak: Well, I know it wouldn't be like 
(8:13:36 PM) Shanerak: easy
(8:13:44 PM) Shanerak: but I was confused as to what you're asking
(8:13:56 PM) Shanerak: of course not rynden or ty, ty has a boyfriend and that was over years ago
(8:13:59 PM) Shanerak: same with ren
(8:14:37 PM) Drab Makyo: Just feels like what happened when you wound up with Rynden for a while, or canceled plans for Colorado the first time where I didn't find out about something until after the fact.  Feels kinda like I was just a hobby, or something c.c
(8:14:57 PM) Shanerak: No, you weren't a hobby :(
(8:15:04 PM) Shanerak: honestly here's what happened
(8:15:34 PM) Shanerak: long distance stuff is hard since you know
(8:15:38 PM) Shanerak: we never see eachother
(8:15:53 PM) Shanerak: so, im lonely here, I missed the times we had before where I felt stuff
(8:16:05 PM) Shanerak: but when we're apart really we're not.. experiencing how eachother are
(8:16:37 PM) Shanerak: and I thought it'd work out but honestly the last trip out there, I didn't feel right
(8:16:53 PM) Shanerak: I guess something changed in me, obviously more than you
(8:17:07 PM) Shanerak: I thought part of it was stress from the job stuff, but I guess not
(8:17:23 PM) Shanerak: and kinda driving the nail into the board was like when you would sleep on the couch, etc
(8:17:41 PM) Shanerak: and I just realized that I was no longer in that completely comfortable position with you
(8:18:47 PM) Drab Makyo: Yeah, I know I felt the change too.  I really can't say I'm surprised, but I guess that doesn't make it easier :o)
(8:19:27 PM) Drab Makyo: As an aside, I know we've talked about how I really have a hard time sleeping with someone else there, like when you lived out here.
(8:19:36 PM) Drab Makyo: So I really meant nothing by that
(8:19:42 PM) Shanerak: I know, it just uh
(8:19:45 PM) Shanerak: is weird for me
(8:19:58 PM) Shanerak: but I guess its a mix of things
(8:20:05 PM) Shanerak: basically though you weren't how I'd.. come to remember you
(8:20:12 PM) Shanerak: and I'm sure things were like that for me, with you, as well
(8:20:14 PM) Shanerak: in the end
(8:20:26 PM) Drab Makyo: Of course.
(8:21:31 PM) Shanerak: I should've let you know sooner, and I'm sorry for that
(8:21:35 PM) Shanerak: but I felt kinda trapped :|
(8:21:39 PM) Shanerak: like I'd said so much
(8:21:48 PM) Shanerak: then suddenly felt so weird, but was expected to.. stick to it?
(8:23:51 PM) Drab Makyo: Yeah, I know how it goes.  And waiting to let me know is understandable too, been in that position before.
(8:24:31 PM) Shanerak: I'm sorry anyway 
(8:24:47 PM) Drab Makyo: Heh, well, alright :o)
(8:26:47 PM) Shanerak: anything else?
(8:27:21 PM) Drab Makyo: Hmm?  Not really o.o  Wish y'all the best of luck :3
(8:27:45 PM) Shanerak: we're not dating
(8:28:19 PM) Drab Makyo: Oh, guess I misinterpreted, sorry c.c
(8:28:27 PM) Shanerak: no its okay
(8:28:49 PM) Shanerak: I just wasnt sure how to.. take that :|
(8:29:46 PM) Drab Makyo: Oh.  Er.. didn't mean anything sarcastic by it c.c
(8:30:09 PM) Shanerak: alright
(8:30:12 PM) Shanerak: its just.. delicate
(8:30:30 PM) Drab Makyo: I know, my bad c.c
(8:30:35 PM) Shanerak: its fine
(8:34:36 PM) Shanerak: It's just.. really hard to have you and her not be in a weird situation
(8:34:38 PM) Shanerak: for either x.x
(8:35:31 PM) Drab Makyo: Yeah, makes sense.
(8:37:37 PM) Shanerak: ff
(8:37:49 PM) Shanerak: sorry I didn't mean to.. be snarky at you
(8:38:12 PM) Drab Makyo: Heh, s'okie.  Just misunderstood :o)
(8:38:19 PM) Shanerak: well its fine
(8:38:30 PM) Shanerak: we just decided that.. a) kinda soon for that?
(8:38:36 PM) Shanerak: and im sitll pretty confused
(8:38:38 PM) Shanerak: about everything
(8:38:47 PM) Shanerak: and I just want to figure out my life before dating anyone
(8:38:49 PM) Shanerak: or anything
(8:39:11 PM) Drab Makyo: Yeah, got a fair bit of that to do myself.
(8:41:03 PM) Drab Makyo: Anyhow, I'm gonna go grab a bath.  Way tired and not thinking clearly.
(8:41:09 PM) Shanerak: okay, take care

</details>