%title 2012-04-18 22:20:49
%date Love Letter 1
:blog:fossil:diary:

James,

One of the interesting things I read in that Straight book was about how the process of courtship has changed over the last hundred years. Â Where once there was the idea of "calling," now there is dating. Â Where once there was the idea of arranged marriages for social and financial benefit, now there are relationships based on love, affection, and sex. Â And where once there were love letters, there is now the instant communication of the Internet and mobile devices.

I'd have to say that I think we lost something really great when the genre of love letters started to fade.

I certainly appreciate being able to text you at any time or, if we're at all separated, being able to talk with you over AIM. Â It's a way for me to experience you when I'm not actually around you. Â And beyond that, it's a medium that allows both relatively instantaneous communication while still retaining the benefit of being able to think about our words before we actually hit send.

This is an example of the benefits of a specific medium. Â The letter is an altogether different medium, however, and has its plus-sides to counter the "down side" of being not immediate. Â Not only does writing a letter like this allow me to get my thoughts all in line before I give it to you, but it provides me with a whole slew of options when it comes to the structure, phrasing, or, if we compare it to Twitter, verbosity. Â You, of all people, know how I like to use lots and lots of words.

The love letter, as it evolved to near extinction, was a place for two emotionally connected individuals to share their deep thoughts and feelings for one another. Â Thoughts and feelings that, for whatever reason, simply would not work in speech, whether due to distance or privacy, shyness or simply needing to be set down on paper with more forethought than would be allowed by talking.

You and I are getting married in less than a month.

Married.

What the hell?!

James, I met you at FFF EIGHT years ago. Â That's longer than it took for me to finish a college degree. Â It's longer than it took for me to learn to read and write after I was born. Â It's longer than it took for so many things, and yet I'm still learning about you. Â Things that I had never even imagined that first night.

I had to leave early, remember? Broomball with the GLBT Student Services people over at EPIC. Â I hugged on you and talked to you just because you seemed really aloof, and like you weren't having that good of a time. Â I didn't realize that you were shy or anything, I basically just hit on you because you were a chubby, awkward, intelligent guy who was just getting into this weird thing called Triangle.

We wound up becoming friends. Â We had some awkward conversations. Â I wasn't really into dating, but I was into sex, so we played around. Â It lead to some weird craziness with Andrew, and that awkward time when we weren't really sure where we stood with each other.

Remember Pride, too? That was another milestone with us. Â On the drive back home, we talked about our status, and I think I left you disappointed. Now that I look back on that talk, I realize that I really was not ready for a relationship. Â I was weirdly in the middle of something with Rikoshi, and that had gotten in the way - not to mention the awkward mess that was Andy!

I wouldn't be ready for a relationship for a long time. Â There was Tyson, Andrew, Kayla...None of those worked; they all failed because of me being not ready, being still just a kid, really, when it came to emotions.

I don't think that what I had with each of those people was invalid or anything. Â In each case, I left the relationship changed - more mature. Â I don't think I would be who I am today without them. Â Namely, I don't think that I would be ready to take this momentous (if purely symbolic) step with you in May if I hadn't ran that gauntlet before.

I hope that our love for each other always deepens, broadens, never stays static. Â We should always be willing to change and grow with each other, to get past the rough spots together, to fight with each other, to have crazy make-up sex together. Â I hope that you and I will always be two halves to a whole, really.

You always hear "hopes and fears" in the same breath, so here is what I fear. Â I fear that I am too much my father's son, and that I will not be able to remain with you forever. Â I allay that fear with the knowledge that you and I do not rely solely on monogamy to keep us together.

I fear that an emotional shock will be the end of our relationship. Â Zephyr will not live forever, and I fear his inevitable death for this reason. Â I allay that fear with the knowledge that we will have each other to share our sorrow, our grief, our anger, hatred, and jealousy with as the years go by.

And I fear any end to what we have right now. Â Whether due to death, an end to romance, or distance, any end would be terrible. Â I allay that fear with the knowledge that we are both complex, mature individuals. Â We can take hardship and integrate it into our lives, make it part of ourselves, and grow stronger and better because of it. Â You see? Â With each fear is a little bit more hope.

I love you, James, and I'm so excited to spend each day with you. Â All of these hopes and fears and words make me glad that I can't tell the future: that would take away the joy I feel at living out my life with you. Â Lets get married and be awesome.

&nbsp;

Love,

Matt
