## Sorina Bălan --- Ioan Bălan

> systime 226 (2350)  
>
> Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:  
> 38 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes

Ioan,

I hope this letter finds you well. I have a question for you.

I'd like to start with an apology, though, for coming off as so emotional in the last letter. As mentioned, I've been struggling with keeping my emotions in check here on Artemis. While I'm far from the only fifthracer to be so afflicted, it doesn't seem to be a pattern many are worried about. Probably 1-2% of us are affected, and not in such a way as to be debilitating. I know the Odists struggle with the occasional bout of depression, and this is certainly no more dramatic than that.

The drama of such emotions aside, I also don't think that they are wholly disconnected from reality. Codrin *does* feel all of those things, and they *do* make me uncomfortable. However, my reaction to them is something I've been working on with Sarah.

On to my question, though.

Years ago, back when I was newly in a relationship with Dear and █████, I remember thinking to myself that a lot of what I'd labeled boredom was likely loneliness. I'm not totally sure how much I agree with that assessment anymore. It's not that I *wasn't* lonely. I was![^iam] I was lonely, but part of me is wondering if the constant interaction that goes along with cohabitation means that more of my time was simply occupied by dealing with others. Dinner with others. Walking the prairie with others. Working with others. Chatting with others. There was always someone around, for Dear rarely left the home entirely. Its inability to stop working meant that there was usually still one of it left around scribbling away at its desk.

But all of it? Probably not. I was still bored on occasion, and even now I get bored. One of the things that I noticed even going back to convergence was just how quotidian everything was. Aliens, sure, but they're also just people, such as it is, living their day-to-day lives. They eat, they sleep, they talk and argue and doubtless make love (I know the fourthracers do, but that's a subject for a different letter).

So now that we're settling into our own quotidian lives aboard Artemis, we're experiencing our boredom again. We're eating, sleeping, talking, arguing, and, yes, making love.

Is that what I'm missing?

Am I missing the eating-sleeping-talking-arguing-sex that goes along with having a relationship? Is that something I should be seeking out? I don't know. I've never really entered a relationship of my own volition, not entirely. Yes, deciding to date or whatever is a collaborative effort, but the Odists will ever be themselves, and even though its focus was never on the sorts of things that May Then My Name focused on, even Dear admitted that it, what was it...it "conducted a relentless campaign to wear down some of the emotional barriers that I'd put up." █████ disagreed with the phrasing, saying that Dear couldn't turn down a good quip to save its life. *"Slander,"* it called it.[^bet]

I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on what you've told me of May Then My Name's own manipulation.

All this to say I've never done this before. I've never gone and sought out a relationship of my own. Do I date? Go to cafes and try to pick up a partner? Do I go to parties and drink with people until we wind up in bed?

None of these sound like me, or like us. We're not the type to go and actively seek out a relationship.[^orsex] We're the type to have a relationship fall into our laps and then think and think and think and maybe in the end go along with it. It's not a bad way of approaching it, all told.

But is that something I want? Were a relationship to fall in my lap, would I go along with it? Is 'picking up people in a cafe/at a party' just setting up situations where such a thing might happen? I don't know.

More importantly, *should* I go along with it? Am I now so lonely that I need to seek out a relationship in order to feel whole again, or is that just me missing my exes?

Maybe it's worth a try. Nothing need be permanent --- both of our partners made sure that we understood that. I can try, and if it doesn't work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.[^quit]

I've written twelve question marks so far and not yet gotten to the question I wanted to ask. Should I seek out a new relationship *before* I reengage with my exes? I want to know if I should in general, of course, but in particular, I want to know your thoughts on trying to actively process these thoughts on what relationships mean to me before I go about processing what breakups mean.

I don't know, I'm feeling my emotions get in the way of my words again. I really don't mean to dump on you like this, but, as I said, your grounded, anchoring nature makes you an obvious source of comfort. Thank you for listening to me.

All my love,

Sorina Bălan

41 anser-ularaeäl, 4777 Artemis Reckoning

[^iam]: I...am?

[^bet]: They bet on my reaction; did I ever tell you that? They planned out this whole conversation with me, with █████ on point while Dear acted as backup. Though they may accuse us of being nerds, they're hardly innocent in this.

[^orsex]: Or sex, for that matter --- it was plenty nice, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it.

[^quit]: This has been greatly complicated by my inability to fork. Codrin and I rushed individuation so quickly and so effectively that, in a world where I cannot create a copy of myself that will live on, quitting becomes suicide in a very real way. I am the only Sorina, and to die would be to end anything resembling Sorina in the entire universe. That hasn't been an issue for us since the 2230s! I know that you've been thinking about Rareș more of late, but even our death to him was not permanent. We disappeared, yes, other than those few notes back, but we were not dead. Death has taken on a new flavor for us, and now I'm remembering the bitter tang of it from before we uploaded. I will need to put more thought into it.
