%title [no subject]
%date 2004-03-31 00:30:21
:diary:livejournal:fossils:

This has to be the worst attack I've had since 6th grade.  What little bit I was getting from Michael (who is in no way at fault for this - so don't even think of appologizing) earlier seems to have triggered something.  At the risk of sounding angsty, here goes: these are quite simply the most vivid suicidal thoughts I've had yet - everything from wondering how much it'd hurt to be stabbed with a soldering iron to whether it might be better to kill myself like they kill kosher cows: with a sharp blade to the neck, so that all they feel is dizziness and falling asleep as the blood drains; these are the worst thoughts regarding school I've had yet this year, mostly tied to the emotions of helplessness and pointlessness; and this is the most scared I've been, period.  I've got it running in the background (heh, yeah, ctrl-z; bg emotions) right now, and I'm going to try and let it run itself out.  I staggered out of bed, crying (imagine that..), to go look for sleepytime tea so that maybe I could sleep it off, but I couldn't find that, so instead I'm going to write it out - express myself and all that, while perhaps trying to garner some pity.  Maybe I could pick up on that instead, so that I could realize what a sorry dolt I must seem like and just snap out of it.