What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May's shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but ey realized ey was plenty tired enough.
They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while Ioan pet through May's soft fur. There didn't seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could.
Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against Ioan's front, and slept straight through until morning.
Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn't thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she'd almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than she was.
Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze.
"Good morning," True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. "Black, yes?"
"Morning," ey said, accepting the coffee with a nod of thanks. "Caught up on sleep?"
She shrugged. "A little, perhaps. Unnerving dreams, unnerving memories coming to the fore."
"Hopefully that lessens over time."
"It should, yes. It is already less than it was yesterday afternoon." She shook her head. "But I am sure you are tired of that topic after the last few days. How about you, my dear? Did you sleep well?"
"Well enough, I guess. I certainly needed it."
"Coffee," May mumbled, stumbling out of the bedroom, looking disheveled. "You did not bring me coffee."
Ioan snorted and shook eir head. "I just got up, too, May. I've barely had a sip, myself."
"No excuses, only coffee."
"It is on the counter, May Then My Name. I promise I did not leave you out."
The skunk mumbled her thanks and retrieved her mug, cradling it close to her chest.
As if on some hidden signal, they moved to the dining table to drink their coffees, all apparently too tired to do much else.
It was True Name who finally broke the silence, speaking quietly, more down to her coffee than anything. "I find myself caught off-guard by the sudden ending of the merge. I have never experienced that with any other merger. Perhaps it is down to individuation."
"How do you mean?"
"I remember going to sleep, here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May, and then everything stops."
May's ears flicked back and she ducked her snout, looking abashed. "I did not think of that. I am sorry. I will apologize to them as well."
True Name lifted her gaze and smiled faintly to May. "I do not think you need to worry too much, my dear. We-- they discussed it a few nights ago. It was something as a shock to be used to sleeping alone and also to not have someone in bed with me.
"It is not *not* true. I do not sleep well alone."
"I have not experienced a relationship as True Name in...some years. Even then we slept in separate beds."
May's grip on her coffee mug tightened and she slouched down further in her seat.
"I didn't know you were in a relationship," Ioan said. "Did you, uh...well, I mean, is that what you two talked about a few days back?"
Both skunks nodded.
"I don't mean to pry," ey added. "Sorry if it's too personal."
After a long silence, True Name sighed. "No, I think you will eventually need to learn about it." When May's ears flattened, she hastened to add, "At least in part."
Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn't sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret.
"I met a young fox some centuries back." The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. "Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position."
"That makes sense, I suppose. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't be case, actually."
"I have said in the past that you --- that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships --- have done something I was never able to," she said. "That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend."
"Did you want one?"
"Pardon?"
Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. "Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn't allow that?"
Another long silence followed before she spoke again. "Had you asked me that prior to the merge, I do not think I would have been comfortable answering, but in the context of the memories I now share of Debarre, I think that has changed into a solid 'I do not know'. I do not know if I wanted a partner, because I think it was more important for me to think about maintaining my image than it was for me to think about love on some subconscious level."
Ey finished eir coffee and toyed with the empty mug, rotating it first this way and then that on the table while ey thought. Eventually, the two skunks fell into quiet, polite conversation, talking about something ey was too distracted to care about.
They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think.
That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May. Ey did not have an image to maintain, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Neither True Name nor em always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something --- May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name --- suddenly forced the issue.
Ey didn't know why, what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged firmly in place. Ey couldn't think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A need to force her to experience her own resentment? A desire to help her become a better person? A fit of pique?
It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.
