86 lines
2.8 KiB
Markdown
86 lines
2.8 KiB
Markdown
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---
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date: 2019-08-13
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weight: 2
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tags:
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- snarky
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- humor
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- demanding
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- questions
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categories:
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- polyamory
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- nostalgia
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- Ship of Theseus
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---
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> I suppose you also searched your archives for poly.
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You know me so well.
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> Of course.
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The first mention on LiveJournal was April 6th, 2004.
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```
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Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most. Michael has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck. It just feels like it would actually /work/ in his case. As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates. Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with. Ah well. Something to think about.
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```
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> Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.
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That's hindsight talking.
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> You literally just got out of a therapy session where you talked about how you don't believe you deserve a better job.
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Touché.
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Michael and I's relationship was rocky, tumultuous. We met through a queer group and from there wound up in a weird, heated romance that danced around sex, gender, mental health, everything. We fought, we made up. We got annoying. We made out a lot, we had sex, though with each of our individual hangups around sex, it was rarely penetrative.
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> It was penetrative once.
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That's rare, isn't it?
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> Vanishingly.
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Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex.
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> You were a cis gay guy. You told me that. You were unsure of vaginas.
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It started that way, I suppose. I learned.
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> Then you bought one for yourself.
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Listen.
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> Yes?
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There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning.
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> 'Bepenised'? 'Ship-of-Theseusizing'?
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You verbed it first.
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> We've gotten off track.
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Right.
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In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside.
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> Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.
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It didn't last. That was part of the breaking point. Similarly with Andrew and Ryn. I've heard it said that jealousy is a sign that one's needs are not being met.
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> What did you need that you weren't getting?
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I thought it was someone to myself.
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> You couldn't own yourself, maybe you could own someone else.
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That hurts to hear.
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> Is it wrong?
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I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I wanted to keep someone. To possess them. Maybe it was a reaction to being owned.
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> Let's talk about kink.
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Let's fucking not.
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