43 lines
2.3 KiB
Markdown
43 lines
2.3 KiB
Markdown
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date: 2020-01-15
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weight: 4
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---
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> So why **are** we talking circles around it?
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Because, at some level, the experience itself is unimportant. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole.
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What *is* important is the ramifications. What is important is the fact that I have to live with the person I became when I was disabused of all of those silly, romantic notions of implied consent and this strange idea that I could just stop an act, even if it meant lying.
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> Lying always worked so well with your dad, did it?
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No, and now I was finding out that this was the case in relationships beyond just typefucking. It made me realize, on some level, how superficial my interactions up until this point had been. I had gone from being the type of person who believed she was living an earnest life with earnest people, enjoying deep relationships, falling in love.
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> Were you not?
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Perhaps I was on some level, but I was missing this key component: that my actions have consequences.
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Not that I'm blaming myself for what happened, of course. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole, after all. But non-action is still an action. Not saying no was still an action. Being unwilling to learn about the fact that my actions have consequences was an action.
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It called into question how passive I had been in the past. It called into question how little I had been saying no in the past. It called into question how little I had actually learned about how the world worked.
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> "Coming to terms with being a terrible person," you wrote.
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Yes, and I wrote that in the thick of this realization. At that point, I was coming to terms with all of these things, the passivity and the willful ignorance.
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I was coming to terms with how much I was hurting those around me, and just how much I had to learn.
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> And boy howdy.
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Yeah. I would continue to hurt those around me for years. I still do. I'm getting better, though. I'm willing to learn, now.
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> "I cannot possibly bow low enough, I cannot possibly apologize with enough sincerity to make up for the hurt I've caused you," you wrote.
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Yes. And I stand by it.
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I have much to learn, but I've come a long ways from who I used to be.
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The specifics of what happened aren't really important. What is important is the moment before, and the moment after.
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> The blackbird whistling, or just after.
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