zk/writing/tarot-experiment/2008-08-14.md

%title August 14, 2008

## The Background 

Despite yesterday's fairly positive reading, I'm still operating in that pessimistic sort of vein. While less focused on relationships, the question of money is still bothering me quite a bit, and that's leading to me being rather down on myself about other things.

In particular, I'm rather concerned about my ability to focus on one thing for any extended period of time. The most obvious object of this focus is this project itself. I worry that I can't complete even 78 readings for myself and others. This is a perennial problem for me, and I often find myself flitting between interests, whether or not I have completed any projects begun in the previous interestes. For example, recently, I've gone through cooking, brewing, my own small business, programming, guns, and so on.

What's concerning me is that I worked on the problem of being stuck, and I'm afraid that, once I start moving again, I'll fall into old habits and start moving in too many directions at once.

## The Drawing 

Still feeling in a much brighter mood than the previous day, I chose the **Universal Waite**[@tarotRWS] deck - a recoloring of the RWS deck using colored pencils to soften all of the harsh colors in the original block-printed cards. Additionally, I drew a card earlier in the day just to think on and try to focus my thoughts and get in the mood for the day - I drew the Eight of Swords.

The reading was done in a modified version of Rachel Pollack's Work Cycle spread[@pollack97]. Since I was working from her book, which features the RWS deck heavily, the spread felt particularly fitting, and I even deigned to introduce the element of reversed cards. I normally work with elemental dispositions for the rather embarassing reason of the fact that having the cards facing different ways grates on my nerves. The spread was modified to leave off the 'inner and outer being' cards because I was running a little short on time.

From left to right, the cards were:

* Past Experience: The Star reversed
* Expectations: Nine of Wands reversed
* Work: Knight of Swords reversed
* Work: Nine of Pentacles
* Work: Page of Pentacles reversed
* Outcome: Five of Wands revesred
* Result: Eight of Pentacles reversed

![image](image8-14-08.png)

## The Reading 

The eight of swords shows a man with eight swords stuck in his back and ear as he lies on the beach. There is no blood coming from his body. This image describes the ultimate in over reaction. Where one sword would've sufficed, eight have been used. The lack of blood shows surreality, as in the man may not actually be a man at all, as if eight swords have been driven through a ghost, hallucination, or shadow of an idea on this beach, right at the shore where the conscious meets the subconscious. I think that this card, as my 'card of the day' of sorts, is telling me to relax. I have spent this time working with my stressors --- getting away from some, integrating others --- and now I'm creating more for myself by overreacting at imaginary things from the depths of my subconscious. With this in mind, I drew my reading for the day, immediately surprised by only one upright card.

The Star, following immediately after The Tower, suggests a time of healing. Not only is the unconscious exposed and beginning to blend with the conscious mind, but unlike The Tower, which describes the same idea, The Star deals more with the calm after the storm --- the period spent healing that rent caused by the fall from The Tower. Reversed, we are cut off from that calm, and that fear from our fall turns to insecurity or even arrogance. As it takes its place in my past experience, I see that as an incomplete use of my flitting interests: those things that distract me from stressors in order to help me heal are not being carried out to completion, and instead of healing over, I'm left with scars. This echoes my desire to follow through with this project to completion. This, of all of my projects, is overt self-therapy, as it's no secret that I am using this, in part, to help get over a real "Tower" of a summer.

This moves into my expectations for this Work: the Nine of Wands shows a man ready and wary, keeping his eyes out from enemies, ones that may or may not still be enemies. The card tells of wariness and strenght, but also of seeing fights where there may in fact be none at all. Reversed twists that meaning to seeking a way out of this constant cycle, either from being overwhelmed by the aversions or simply distressed by them. While this is all well and good, it should be noted that sometimes these defenses are built up for a reason, and should not be dropped lightly. There are cases where such defenses are necessary, and I think I'm focusing too much on these right now. I think that opening myself up through the cards is one case where I will *have* to drop those defenses and seek another way; I consciously know this, and expect that this experiment will help.

The three cards of the Work group show what Pollack describes as "...situ-ations, influences, or attitudes that the person can use or must overcome." In my case, more warnings are present. The Knight of Swords reversed suggests wildly casting about, showing a need to make careful decisions and to be aware of my situation. The Nine of Pentacles is a card of success due to sacrifice; I need to be mindful that this sacrifice really is for the better and not let the fact that I am sacrificing something get in the way --- the reward is always greater for the sacrifice. Finally, the Page of Pentacles reversed warns again: without a sense of hard work, all of the focus and grounded-ness of the pentacles is liable to dissipate, leading to what Waite called 'prodigality'.

Taken together as a group these cards paint a picture of what needs to be done. While I know that I am working towards avoiding this casting about ceaselessly for something with which to help myself, I will need the Pentacles' focus and the sacrifice showin in the Nine. To me, I see this as sacrificing time and energy, both of which seem to be increasingly parcelled out in today's world. Free time is always seen as valuable, and it's difficult to give some of mine up to a task that requires such mental exertion and, honestly, leaves me intellectually winded for a period afterwards. I needn't be afraid of this sacrifice, however, as expensing that energy will help me in at least two ways: not only with the therapy inherent in this project; but also as a sort of exercise, building up my intellectual stamina, as it were, getting my mind used to working in these intricate patterns.

Following the Work group of cards is the final combination of Outcome and Result. While Outcome stands for the likely way that things will develop, Result implies a more personal side, showing how the outcome with affect the subject or their reaction to it. For my reading, these cards came out fairly disheartening at first. The Five of Wands reversed suggests rules abandoned in this intellectual battle of mine, leading to nastier combat. I'll clearly have to do more to stick with this interest, lest it fall by the wayside - perhaps things out of the ordinary for me. The Eight of Pentacles reversed on the other hand, shows frustration and lack of fulfillment due to looking strictly for success rather than working for the sake of work. This meaning grated on my nerves until I saw it as just another step in the path: not only is success in the standard sense of strict completion unlikely, but I am almost certain to become frustrated by not really having an ending point to this at all. After all, this is only seventy-eight tarot readings, which is only a little more than a fifth of a year if they are done one a day! I could change so much more, reading every day for the rest of my life, and still never reach an end to this experiment, as there is always more change to be had. This is certainly something I must learn to accept if I am to keep this project and others going strong.