31 lines
1.6 KiB
Markdown
31 lines
1.6 KiB
Markdown
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---
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date: 2019-09-28
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weight: 1
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---
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<pre class="verse">From the point of view of the universe, Max's death wasn't a big deal, it was just my big deal.</pre>
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On March 21st, 2012, I tried to kill myself.
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It's amazing how such a simple statement of fact reflects, months of strange tension, slow recovery, and a whole lot of trying to understand what really happened. It's not a comfortable thing for anyone to discuss, but it's one of those things I need to discuss, need to get off my chest. A little too much of what makes life meaningful for me now is wrapped up in that one night.
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> Even now?
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Even now.
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> You wrote that disclaimer four months after the attempt itself. You copied it from some notes from back then. You even kept the Steve Eisman quote.
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Yes. Nostalgia, remember?
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> Are you nostalgic for those weighty months after you tried to kill yourself?
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If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle.
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Perhaps it's not totally accurate to say that I'm nostalgic for that time in particular, but I suppose I am nostalgic for the sense of change that permeated the air around me then. Something big was happening. Something terrible and wonderful.
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> And you got to witness it from the inside.
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Yes. I got to watch the agonal breathing that went on for far too long. I got to see his eyes widen in terror. I got up to fetch the cold compress and came back to a quiet room.
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I'm not nostalgic for that pain, no. I'm nostalgic for the fact that I am who I am because I went through that. I'm nostalgic for what it came to symbolize. I'm nostalgic for its part in Madison's birth.
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