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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-04-21 00:00:04 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/21.md
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@ -60,4 +60,12 @@ But was *that* a decision? Was I giving responsibility to God for an action that
These feelings of doubt have been cropping up more and more, recently. I do not doubt in God, but I am beginning to question my relationship with Him. Saying "God knows what is best" is an awfully handy way to absolve oneself from the responsibility for one's actions.
I know I'm right to not be in
I know it's right for me to not be in ministry. I wouldn't make a good priest. I wouldn't be happy, and thus my congregation wouldn't be happy.
But I don't know if my path here, to this point in my life, has what's required to be called a decision. I wound up in secular life, but I wasn't thinking what that would entail. All I was picturing is that I would not be Father Kimana.
Now, here in my thirties, all of the decisions seem so much bigger, even if their impacts are smaller. That's not to say that pursuing Kay would be a small thing. It has the potential to be huge. It just doesn't have the change-your-life-in-an-instant quality that leaving Saint John's did. It would be a process. Admitting feelings, dating, marriage, children...all decisions in and of themselves, all with the potential for failure, incomplete success, or mismatches in expectations.
I should go home and eat. I love my patients --- nerds, to the last --- and they always get me thinking, but lately, all this rumination...
I should go home and eat.