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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-07-19 23:47:28 -07:00
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writing/post-self/mitzvot/004.md
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@ -182,13 +182,13 @@ A bit more than two hours after ey'd sent the message, a reply spooled itself ou
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> I understand the root of her feelings towards me and, as I also mentioned on that night, I do not begrudge her that. I will ever be what I am, and what that is does not mesh well with her view of the world, even as it is integral to my existence.
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> Just as she said that she still believes me, it is also true that I still love her. It is a round-about love, perhaps. She is my cocladist, yes, and I love her as one loves a sister. But what was it Codrin reported Why Ask Questions said? "I have yet to meet a single person who has not fallen at least a little in love with May"? It is also a little bit of that, but in my own inescapably me way.
> Just as she said that she still believes me, it is also true that I still love her. Codrin reported that Why Ask Questions said, "I have yet to meet a single person who has not fallen at least a little in love with May." It is perhaps a little bit of that, but in my own inescapably me way, but beyond that I love her as the version of me that I did not become.
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> Were you to ask me at the time, or even just a year ago, I do not think that I would have admitted such aloud, but even as I suspect that she is working on her thoughts about me with Ms. Genet, I have been working with Ms. Genet on my ability to be truly earnest with those I respect, which includes you.
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> I do not hold regrets for the path that has led us to this point. I have accomplished much that I set out to do, and, while the cost has been great when it comes to my interpersonal relationships (and, as you mentioned, my stress levels), it all very much still feels worth it.
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> Consciously or not, I make it a point to ask you how she is doing and to engage with her at one degree of remove because this is still a way to maintain that level of connection after so long a time of disconnect.
> Consciously or not, I make it a point to ask you how she is doing and to engage with her at one degree of remove because this is still a way to maintain that level of connection with someone I could have been after so long a time of disconnect.
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> Writing this has been both stressful and cathartic, so I appreciate having the chance to do so. While communications with my counterparts on Castor and Pollux have been somewhat scant of late, both of them have mentioned that they are striving to find situations in which they can be vulnerable and earnest. As I am sure you understand, this is still quite difficult for us.
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