diff --git a/writing/post-self/mitzvot/016.md b/writing/post-self/mitzvot/016.md index 52da4161..4a949b3d 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/mitzvot/016.md +++ b/writing/post-self/mitzvot/016.md @@ -1,6 +1,6 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -With May out of the house and True Name doing...well, whatever it was that she did in her room by herself, Ioan was left emotionally and intellectually stalled out, stuck by emself in an empty den. Ey sat for a while on the couch, staring out into the slowly melting snow on the deck and ruminating. Then, giving in to the urge to pace, ey slipped on the boots ey kept for just such situations and slowly tramped a ring around the outer edge of the yard, first reveling in the crunch of the icy top layer of the snow, then the sweat ey worked up when, on the third time around, the snow began to drag at eir feet, and then finally the solidity of the uneven path ey'd worn down into the snow, a marker of energy spent. +With May out of the house and True Name doing...well, whatever it was that she did in her room by herself, Ioan was left emotionally and intellectually stalled out, stuck by emself in an empty den. Ey sat for a while on the couch, staring out into the slowly melting snow on the deck and ruminating. Then, giving in to the urge to pace, ey slipped on the boots ey kept for just such situations and slowly tramped a ring around the outer edge of the yard, first reveling in the crunch of the icy top layer of the snow, then the sweat ey worked up when, on the third lap, the snow began to drag at eir feet, and then finally the solidity of the uneven path ey'd worn down into the snow, a marker of energy spent. The pacing gave em time and space. It let eir emotions spool out into nothingness while eir thoughts were left crunched beneath the treads of eir boots. Ey didn't know what ey thought about. Ey didn't know what ey felt. Ey just walked. @@ -12,11 +12,11 @@ An hour's walking gained em sore hips, a sweat-soaked shirt, and a well-trod tra "Fucking cold," ey grumbled, stomping the lingering snow off eir boots and the hems of eir slacks on the way up the stairs to the balcony. The boots were kicked off outside the door for the snow left on them while ey completed the journey inside. Ey could fork emself warm and dry, sure, but why do that when there was a perfectly good shower right there? -So, ey lingered under the hot water for fifteen minutes, and instead of whorls of breath, the crunch of ice, the nothingness of slate-gray skies, eir thoughts and emotions dribbled down eir face in rivulets of water, swirled once, twice, and disappeared down the drain. +So, ey lingered under the hot water for fifteen minutes, and instead of whorls of breath, the crunch of ice, the nothingness of slate-gray skies, eir thoughts and emotions dribbled down eir face in rivulets of water, swirled once, twice, disappeared down the drain. *Dissociating,* ey thought, laughed to no one. -Brushed eir hair, stared, unseeing, at emself in the mirror for a bit, dressed in clean clothes --- sweater vest? Sweater vest --- and wound up sitting on the couch again. +Brushed eir hair. Stared, unseeing, at emself in the mirror for a bit. Dressed in clean clothes --- sweater vest? Sweater vest --- and wound up sitting on the couch again. True Name peeked out of eir room and bowed to em from just outside her door. The sound of the door and the movement out of the corner of eir eye startled em awake. "Sorry, True Name. Everything okay?" @@ -38,7 +38,7 @@ Ey could not, it turned out. Ey flopped the notebook shut again and rubbed at ei Ey laughed. "Right, I'm familiar. Sounds good. Certainly cold enough out there for it." -"Of course, yes. May Then My Name would have the same recipe, would she not?" The skunk clattered about for a moment, and then, apparently satisfied, leaned back on the counter behind the stove. "I do not understand your affection for the weather, but I am happy to make warm things while it is about." +"Of course, yes. May Then My Name would have the same recipe, would she not?" The skunk clattered about for a few more minutes, and then, apparently satisfied, leaned back on the counter behind the stove. "I do not understand your affection for the weather, but I am happy to make warm things while it is about." "Hopeless romanticism, I guess," ey mumbled. "But whatever. Are you feeling better?" @@ -54,7 +54,7 @@ Ey nodded. "She sent me a few brief pings. She's with End Waking and Debarre at "Of course. I'm just worried. I guess. Did it have to do with her specifically?" -She didn't respond. The skunk's gaze never wavered. Her posture remained relaxed and comfortable. For that, ey felt all the more anxious. +She didn't respond. The skunk's gaze never wavered. Her posture remained relaxed and comfortable, and for that, ey felt all the more anxious. "Well, maybe you can tell me what spurred the conversation?" @@ -66,7 +66,7 @@ She didn't respond. The skunk's gaze never wavered. Her posture remained relaxed Ey sat up straighter, frowning at the skunk. "That's a surprisingly difficult question to answer." -"It is not at all surprising. It is easy to provide a noun and say that one believes in that. The irreversibility of time, perhaps? Your cocladist and Dear spoke to that." +"It is not at all surprising. It is easy to provide a noun and say that one believes in that. The irreversibility of time, perhaps? Your cocladist and Dear spoke to that in the *History*." The conversation was taking a decidedly Odist turn. Coming at the topic sideways, grand statements that came tinged with a sense of awe. They all seemed prone to falling into the style of speaking, and ey fell for it every time. "Mmhm. Several times." @@ -78,7 +78,7 @@ The conversation was taking a decidedly Odist turn. Coming at the topic sideways "Do you overflow?" -The skunk had lifted the lid of the pot of rice to stir. If it was anything at all how May cooked it, it was a stiff rice porridge made with chicken stock, cheese stirred in at the last minute --- 'poor skunk's risotto', she called it. She seemed keen to use her time cooking to think, so ey waited in silence. +The skunk had lifted the lid of the pot of rice to stir. If it was anything at all how May cooked it, it was a stiff rice porridge made with chicken stock and cheese stirred in at the last minute --- 'poor skunk's risotto', she called it. She seemed keen to use her time cooking to think, so ey waited in silence. "I do. More frequently and in much shorter bursts," she said, finally. "Every few days, I will walk sims and I will get lost. Well and truly lost. Dear loses control of its tightly directed energy, May Then My Name loses control of that wellspring of love within her, and I lose control of my sense of control." @@ -102,7 +102,7 @@ The other skunk had also stood and was bowing deeply to her up-tree instance. "M May had shoved the waxed cotton-wrapped parcel into Ioan's hands and bounded over to True Name, shoving her out of her bow in order to get her arms around her for an awkward hug. "That is for what happened," she said, then socked her in the shoulder. "And that is for how you told me." -True Name stumbled back from the greeting, blinking rapidly. She looked as baffled as ey felt. Watching May interact with True Name these last few days had been something of a roller coaster, whether it was to the abject fury ey saw within her whenever the topic of her goals came up or the strange protectiveness that had led her to offer their home to her cocladist. Those were stressful enough; this was overwhelming. +True Name stumbled back from the greeting, blinking rapidly and rubbing at her arm. She looked as baffled as ey felt. Watching May interact with True Name these last few days had been something of a roller coaster, whether it was to the abject fury ey saw within her whenever the topic of her goals came up or the strange protectiveness that had led her to offer their home to her cocladist. Those were stressful enough; this was overwhelming. Ey made eir way back to the table slid the packet onto it, and fell heavily into eir chair. "What just happened?" @@ -132,7 +132,7 @@ Ey frowned as ey chewed on the morsel. Ey could see it being truly delicious if "Good, but not great," was True Name's assessment, to which May nodded vigorously. -They finished the griddle cakes all the same, keeping up the banal chatter. It felt good, ey realized, to talk about nothing. Day after day of serious talks had worn on em more than ey realized, and ey made a silent note to thank May later for forcing them into something more pleasant. The greeting she'd given True Name was weird, but it definitely broke the strange suspense that had dogged them all week. +They finished the griddle cakes all the same, keeping up the banal chatter. It felt good, ey realized, to talk about nothing. Day after day of serious talks had worn on em more than ey realized, and ey made a silent note to thank May later for forcing them into something more pleasant. The greeting she'd given True Name was weird, but it definitely broke the suspense that had dogged them all week. After dinner, ey cleaned up the dishes while True Name went back to her room and May settled onto her beanbag, getting a thoughtful look on her face that usually meant she was working mentally.