From 21ff0e889648b46dd934ce1d0ca6aa9777e8143d Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Wed, 26 May 2021 17:25:05 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] update from sparkleup --- writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/61.md | 6 ++++-- writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/71.md | 10 ++++++++-- writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md | 2 +- 3 files changed, 13 insertions(+), 5 deletions(-) diff --git a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/61.md b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/61.md index e25d9cdb..a85855d4 100644 --- a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/61.md +++ b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/61.md @@ -64,9 +64,11 @@ A soft hum on the other side of the screen, that soft noise the priest always ma The weight on my shoulders slid down and off of me. "Thank you, Father." -That was Wednesday, and coming on Friday evening, now, I still do not know the root of my jealousy. +That was Wednesday, and coming on Friday evening, now, I still do not know the root of my jealousy. I waffle still. -I waffle still. Sometimes, it feels like envy. It feels like I'm craving something that I cannot have, something that is being kept from me in some form or another. Other times, however, I recognize that there is nothing keeping me from 'having' Dee, and that perhaps I am simply jealous of something that I do not yet have, but see myself having in the future. +Sometimes, it feels like envy. It feels like I'm craving something that I cannot have, something that is being kept from me in some form or another. By whom? Who would possibly be keeping me from Kay? Kay herself? God? Myself? I cannot begin to place any sort of blame on any one source. + +Other times, however, I recognize that there is nothing keeping me from 'having' Dee, and that perhaps I am simply jealous of something that I do not yet have, but see myself having in the future. And other times still, both words fail, and I'm left simply with yearning. diff --git a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/71.md b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/71.md index 6fc1d612..2723854a 100644 --- a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/71.md +++ b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/71.md @@ -22,8 +22,14 @@ I suspect there must be some similarity to addiction here; the overwhelming pung Similarly, this crush, if that's all it is anymore, requires of me a constant level of maintenance. I have to feed it fantasies, have to pour into it energy. I have to dream, both at night and during the day. I have to imagine the feeling of our fingers intertwining. -It is a negative part of my life in both its concrete and emotional effects. It feels perilously close to sin. I think that's why I sought out confession. What was it the priest had said? *Ask yourself who it is that you are hurting in these situations.* +It is a negative part of my life in both its concrete and emotional effects. It feels perilously close to sin. -I remember the surety of knowledge after that, that the only one I was hurting through these struggles was myself. +I think that's why I sought out confession. What was it the priest had said? *Ask yourself who it is that you are hurting in these situations.* + +I remember the surety of knowledge after that, that the only one I was hurting through these struggles was myself. And now I have better language for that, that this pain is egodystonia. Limerence is something that rankles with my identity, as negative a part of my life as it is. + +Liking someone isn't a sin. It cannot be, must not be. But here I am, wallowing in my own pain, and that is where I veer close to sin. + +I don't know. I'm spinning my wheels, talking in circles. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here. To name a feeling may be to understand it, but understanding has gotten me nowhere, has purchased me nothing but a deeper ache in my gut, and now I must feed my desires all over again. [^codependence]: I suspect that their relationship is codependent, as I think that her husband gets as much out of taking care of her as she gets out of him taking the lead. However, I don't think that it's abusive or manipulative in anyway, simply that this is the way that their relationship works. If there is any negative aspect to the codependency, that, I suspect, is egosyntonic. diff --git a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md index 5c5c0a97..15d2b881 100644 --- a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md +++ b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md @@ -59,7 +59,7 @@ Epigraph: εκαρδίωσας ημάς ενί από οφθαλμών σου ε * [o] [Dee chickens out](60) * [o] [Confession](61) * [o] [Projection](70) -* [.] [Egodystonic attraction](71) +* [o] [Egodystonic attraction](71) * [ ] [Lunch 3 with Kay](72) * [ ] [Calling Borenson](80) * [ ] [Talking with God](86)