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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-04-09 23:45:08 -07:00
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@ -44,6 +44,81 @@ She nodded, slouched a little further against Debarre, and sighed shakily.
He shot a quizzical look over to End Waking, who sent a brief sensorium ping in return. She must have gotten in touch with him before arriving, then.
They sat like that for another five minutes or so, another few bouts of tears hitting the skunk while he tried to be as steady as he could for her, petting over her ears.
They sat like that for another five minutes or so, another few bouts of tears hitting the skunk while he tried to be as steady as he could for her, petting over her ears. She'd leaned on AwDae more often than she had on him, all those years ago, but a friend's shoulder was a friend's shoulder, and he'd always offered when he could. This was, he supposed, no different.
When she was finally able to pull herself together enough to walk, Debarre helped her to stand and the three of them made their way back to the tent. He sat her down on one of the two fallen tree trunks that had been set before the tent to either side of the fire pit, then took her mug to refill it while End Waking started a small fire in the pit. It wasn't that cold out, but warmth was warmth, comfort was comfort.
With the cup safely back in her paws, Debarre sat beside May Then My Name once more, arm around her shoulder. "Feel up to talking about it?"
"Um, a little, maybe," the skunk said, voice raw. "Just in general."
He nodded.
"True Name has been staying with us the last few days."
"Sounds miserable.
She smiled halfheartedly. "Ioan expanded the house out to the other side with a separate bedroom. She has been spending most of her time in there, doing whatever it is that she does. Perhaps she is still pulling strings somewhere, I do not know. I do not particularly care."
"Probably," he said sourly. "I'm surprised you let her move in there."
After a long pause, the skunk shrugged, saying, "It was my idea, actually. I insisted, Ioan agreed."
"Why?" End Waking asked from where he crouched beside the fire.
"I have incomplete thoughts. In terms of logistics, it made sense to have her where Jonas could not act against her."
End Waking nodded. "Yes, but why? Why did you not just let her build herself a new home? Leave her to her own devices until time, Jonas, or madness took her?"
May Then My Name splayed her ears. "I do not want her to die. I do not want her gone."
The other skunk went silent, holding her gaze for a long moment before getting back to building the fire up to a comfortable level.
"I'm guessing it's the non-logistical side of things that's complicated," Debarre said.
"Yes. After everything, I do not know why it is that I care about her." She sniffled and scrubbed her face with the rag as though to preemptively snap herself out of an oncoming wave of emotion. "It has not been all that bad, really. Awkward, yes, but she spends most of her time in her room except at breakfast and dinner. Today, though, she requested to talk with me, and...I cannot share the specifics, but Jonas ha-has...has been..."
Debarre rubbed at May Then My Name's back when that wave of emotion washed over her.
"I am sorry, my dear. It was a lot," she mumbled. "Jonas has been playing her for centuries, now. He has been structuring her life for her in such subtle ways that even she was not able to see it. She...well, something happened a few years after launch. A trap of sorts. Jonas's plans hit all at once and she has been working under his thumb since then."
They sat in silence for a bit, Debarre racing through various questions, rejecting each as too personal, too mean, too off-topic. Finally, he asked, "So, why are you so upset?"
"That is where the specifics I cannot mention lay. Beyond that, though, I am just...torn. I am torn. I want to kick her out. I want to invite Jonas over and have him bring his pet assassin. I want her to disappear into ignominy." She took a deep breath, continued, "But I also want her to get out of this mess. I may not want her around, but I want her to find something --- anything --- else to do with her life and to not have to deal with that living, breathing sack of shit anymore. No one should have to deal with that."
"E.W. said he needed to be better than her. Sort of like that?"
She shrugged. "I do not know. It does not feel accurate to say that, but I cannot explain why."
"Well," he said, waving the point away. "I'm with you on the feeling torn bit, at least. Was just thinking about that when you showed up. Like, would I celebrate if she died? Or would I feel like there was just that much less of you around?"
"You think about it from the outside, my dear," End waking said. "You think about who we were. You have the capacity to do so. May Then My Name and I have diverged so far from True Name that she has become a new entity, and I do not think that we can so easily see Sasha in her."
May Then My Name was nodding. "And that is the source of at least some of my resentment towards her. I cannot see Sasha in her, and yet I was created from her. I see that of Sasha in myself, the caring side of her who got lost looking for her lost friends, and while I can *remember* those few years that I was True Name, I am not that person. I do not feel like I ever was that person. Becoming me was waking up from a dream."
"A nightmare, perhaps," the other skunk murmured.
"You and I have different resentments. I would say an unnerving dream that makes me all the happier to be what I am now."
"You are a better person than I."
Debarre through a twig at his partner. "No moping. You're both good people. Jury's out on True Name, but given that you two get so fucking upset whenever she's around, I'm leaning towards not so good."
End Waking smiled. It was slight, but he was pleased to see it all the same.
"Qoheleth, poor, stupid man that he was, had much that he was correct about, but one thing that he completely failed to understand was growth," May Then My Name mused. "There is plenty of growth, here. That is perhaps the one thing we have more than memory, the one thing that protects us from too much memory. All that time may still drive us mad, but at least we can grow to the point where we are no longer True Name."
"A-fucking-men."
She laughed. "Right? Thank you two for talking, though. I know it's not really a pleasant topic, but it has helped me quite a bit."
Debarre squeezed her around the shoulders. "Of course, skunk."
"You feel so much more than I do," End Waking said. "So I cannot understand the ways in which you are torn. There is also much more than I think you are saying--"
"There is, yes. Sorry."
"--and so I cannot offer much in the way of advice, but I can welcome you to my forest and offer you company and a meal. Will you be staying for dinner?"
(( Over dinner, May brings up having EW merge down, turns into a whole big discussion. EW says he'll think about it, and will talk it over with Debarre which will be next chapter ))
(( She explains what has happened with TN moving in, that she learned a lot about what Jonas did over the last few decades, and how it includes her in a roundabout way, but won't elaborate. Needs to be away from home for a little bit, also torn like Debarre though her need to feel keeps winning out, whether she wants it to or not, making her frustrated with herself ))