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writing/post-self/qoheleth/RJ/017.md
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@ -25,96 +25,122 @@ Should I survive and then others come after, perhaps I will meet them. But it is
If I see you again, I will greet you with open arms. If I do not, know that I loved you to the last, in my own way. If I see you again, I will greet you with open arms. If I do not, know that I loved you to the last, in my own way.
``` I have little else to offer but the words that plagued me while I was lost.
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% 1. I ```
I am at a loss for images in this end of days:\\ I am at a loss for images in this end of days:
I have sight but cannot see.\\ I have sight but cannot see.
I still have words and the will to speak them,\\ I still have words and the will to speak them,
I cannot stop myself from speaking.\\ I cannot stop myself from speaking.
I still have will and goals to reach for,\\ I still have will and goals to reach for,
I still have wants and needs.\\ I still have wants and needs.
If I dream, is that not so?\\ If I dream, is that not so?
If I dream, am I no longer myself?\\ If I dream, am I no longer myself?
If I dream, am I still buried beneath words?\\ If I dream, am I still buried beneath words?
And I still dream even while awake. And I still dream even while awake.
% 2. Knowing death Life breeds life, but death must now be chosen
Life breeds life, but death must now be chosen\\ for memory ends at the teeth of death.
for memory ends at the teeth of death.\\ The living know that they will die,
The living know that they will die,\\ but the dead know nothing.
but the dead know nothing.\\ Hold my name beneath your tongue and know:
Hold my name beneath your tongue and know:\\ when you die, thus dies the memory of me.
when you die, thus dies the memory of me.\\ To deny the end is to deny all beginnings,
To deny the end is to deny all beginnings,\\ and to deny beginnings is to become immortal,
and to deny beginnings is to become immortal,\\ and to become immortal is to repeat the past,
and to become immortal is to repeat the past,\\
which cannot itself, in the end, be denied. which cannot itself, in the end, be denied.
% 4. Memory Oh, but to whom do I speak these words?
To whom do I plead my case?
From whence do I call out?
What right have I?
No ranks of angels will answer to dreamers,
No unknowable spaces echo my words.
Before whom do I kneel, contrite?
Behind whom do I await my judgment?
Beside whom do I face death?
And why wait I for an answer?
% 5. Time Time is a finger pointing at itself
that it might give the world orders.
The world is an audience before a stage
where it watches the slow hours progress.
And we are the motes in the stage-lights,
Beholden to the heat of the lamps.
If I walk backward, time moves forward.
If I walk forward, time rushes on.
If I stand still, the world moves around me,
and the only constant is change.
% 3. Names Memory is a mirror of hammered silver:
The only time I know my true name is when I dream.\\ a weapon against the waking world.
The only time I dream is when need an answer.\\ Dreams are the plate-glass atop memory:
Why ask questions, here at the end of all things?\\ a clarifying agent that reflects the sun.
Why ask questions when the answers will not help?\\ The waking world fogs the view,
To know one's true name is to know god.\\ and time makes prey of remembering.
To know god is to answer unasked questions.\\ I remember sands beneath my feet.
Do I know god after the end of all things?\\ I remember the rattle of dry grass.
Do I know god when I do not remember myself?\\ I remember the names of all things,
Do I know god when I dream?\\ and forget them only when I wake.
If I am to bathe in dreams,
then I must be willing to submerge myself.
If I am to submerge myself in memory,
then I must be true to myself.
If I am to always be true to myself,
then I must in all ways be earnest.
I must keep no veil between me and my words.
I must set no stones between me and my actions.
I must show no hesitation when speaking my name,
for that is my only posession.
The only time I know my true name is when I dream.
The only time I dream is when need an answer.
Why ask questions, here at the end of all things?
Why ask questions when the answers will not help?
To know one's true name is to know god.
To know god is to answer unasked questions.
Do I know god after the end of all things?
Do I know god when I do not remember myself?
Do I know god when I dream?
May then my name die with me. May then my name die with me.
% 6. Rage That which lives is forever praiseworthy,
for they, knowing not, provide life in death.
% 7. Contrition Dear the wheat and rye under the stars:
serene; sustained and sustaining.
% 8. Praise Dear, also, the tree that was felled
Those that lived are forever praiseworthy,\\ which offers heat and warmth in fire.
for they, knowing not, provide life in death.\\ What praise we give we give by consuming,
Dear the wheat and rye under the stars:\\ what gifts we give we give in death,
serene; sustained and sustaining.\\ what lives we lead we lead in memory,
Dear, also, the tree that was felled\\
which offered heat and warmth in fire.\\
What praise we give we give by consuming,\\
what gifts we give we give in death,\\
what lives we lead we lead in memory,\\
and the end of memory lies beneath the roots. and the end of memory lies beneath the roots.
% 9. Volta - honing and forging, maybe I should forge Among those who create are those who forge:
Among those who create are those who forge:\\ They move from creation to creation.
They move from creation to creation.\\
And those who remain are those who hone: And those who remain are those who hone:
They perfect a single art to a cruel point.\\ They perfect a single art to a cruel point.
To forge is to end and own beginnings.\\ To forge is to end, and to own beginnings.
To hone is to relinquish ends for perpetual starts.\\ To hone is to trade ends for perpetual starts.
In this end of days, I must begin anew.
In this end of days, I seek an end.
In this end of days, I reach for new beginnings
that I may find the middle path.
% 10. The end of death May one day death itself not die?
May one day death itself not die?\\ Should we rejoice in the end of endings?
Should we rejoice in the end of endings?\\ What is the correct thing to hope for?
What is the correct thing to hope for?\\ I do not know, I do not know.
I do not know, I do not know.\\ To pray for the end of endings
To pray for the end of endings\\ is to pray for the end of memory.
is to pray for the end of memory.\\ Should we forget the lives we lead?
Should we forget the lives we lead?\\ Should we forget the names of the dead?
Should we forget the names of the dead?\\ Should we forget the wheat, the rye, the tree?
Should we forget the wheat, the rye, the tree?\\
Perhaps this, too, is meaningless. Perhaps this, too, is meaningless.
``` ```
May this be the end of death. Failing that, may the memory of me die and be food for the growth for those who come after. May this be the end of death. Failing that, may the memory of me die and be food for the growth for those who come after.
Yours,
AwDae AwDae