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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-01-24 23:05:04 -08:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object.md
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@ -293,6 +293,20 @@ So I suppose that is what is on my plate. She and I talk every day, these days,
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I was not able to do it.
Kay just went to bed after we spent much of the night talking over text, and I just wasn't able to bring myself to bring up the way I feel about her.
It's maddening. I've never been so frustrated by the fact that I felt I was putting on a charade. It is not dissimilar from masking, which I do often during therapy with clients, but have never had to do with Kay until recently. Why would I have to pretend to be some sort of normal around a friend? And yet here I am, pretending I'm not falling asleep thinking about holding her paw every night.
Holding her paw! What garbage.
I talk with her like I talk with strangers. I make a stranger out of myself, it seems, though she has not said anything about the way I have been acting. I reread each message countless times before sending it just to make sure that it is plausibly normal, that I am not in some way tipping my hand, that I am being kind without being intrusive, that I am being invested without being obsessed.
I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.
What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left seminary.
(Dee talks to Kay but chickens out trying to bring up emotions, and instead brings up the topic of leaving the church)
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