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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-01-24 23:05:04 -08:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object.md
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@ -293,6 +293,20 @@ So I suppose that is what is on my plate. She and I talk every day, these days,
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I was not able to do it.
Kay just went to bed after we spent much of the night talking over text, and I just wasn't able to bring myself to bring up the way I feel about her.
It's maddening. I've never been so frustrated by the fact that I felt I was putting on a charade. It is not dissimilar from masking, which I do often during therapy with clients, but have never had to do with Kay until recently. Why would I have to pretend to be some sort of normal around a friend? And yet here I am, pretending I'm not falling asleep thinking about holding her paw every night.
Holding her paw! What garbage.
I talk with her like I talk with strangers. I make a stranger out of myself, it seems, though she has not said anything about the way I have been acting. I reread each message countless times before sending it just to make sure that it is plausibly normal, that I am not in some way tipping my hand, that I am being kind without being intrusive, that I am being invested without being obsessed.
I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.
What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left seminary.
(Dee talks to Kay but chickens out trying to bring up emotions, and instead brings up the topic of leaving the church) (Dee talks to Kay but chickens out trying to bring up emotions, and instead brings up the topic of leaving the church)
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