update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/toledot/secession/phys/Yared/001.md

@@ -34,7 +34,7 @@ The stop through customs was met with another wide-eyed expression.
 
 Yared nodded.
 
-"I think that I will see many more the longer I work here." The agent stamped his passport with an expert twist of the wrist, adding a smear to the ink which added a layer of authenticity. It would be all but impossible to mimic that smear. She handed his passport back with a sly smile and a tap to her temple, "I do not think that I will go. I am terrified enough of my own head."
+"I think that I will see many more the longer I work here." The agent stamped his passport with an expert twist of the wrist, adding a smear to the ink which added a layer of authenticity. It would be all but impossible to mimic that smear. She handed his passport back with a sly smile and a tap to her temple, "I do not think I will go. I am terrified enough of my own head."
 
 Yared could only smile back and move on through the line.
 
@@ -64,11 +64,11 @@ Her English had the same clipped, stilted accent of the man who had driven him t
 
 He nodded and did as he was told. The numbness, he realized, had extended to the physical as well, as he didn't notice the needle in the back of his hand until the nurse clipped a line to it.
 
-The surgery was...well, Yared was something not quite awake, not quite asleep for most of it, but what he did remember was that it was in all ways unpleasant.The noises that drifted in and out of his awareness, the last remaining scent, the last remaining taste, both of some nickle-plated sourness that he could not place. The last remaining sight of just light, just light.
+The surgery was...well, Yared was something not quite awake, not quite asleep for most of it, but what he did remember was that it was in all ways unpleasant. The noises that drifted in and out of his awareness, the last remaining scent, the last remaining taste, both of some nickle-plated sourness that he could not place. The last remaining sight of just light, just light.
 
 And then a stretching. A stretching up of his arms while his feet remained anchored, there on that bed. He stretched up tall, kilometers up, light years. So tall that he began to thin out, tapering in the middle until he thought that he would snap...
 
-And then he was standing in a cube of grey walls, grey ceiling, grey floor. It was lit by lights that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, and the lack of a shadow was disturbing in a way that he could not place.
+Whether there was any discontinuity or not, he was simply...there. Simply standing in a cube of grey walls, grey ceiling, grey floor. It was lit by lights that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, and the lack of a shadow was disturbing in a way that he could not place.
 
 A soft, familiar voice spoke to him, then. Or did not come to him. He did not hear it through his ears, but it was there, nonetheless, through something more and less than hearing. "Yared. Can you speak?"
 
@@ -80,7 +80,7 @@ But no contacts. None of those silvery pads on his fingers. He rubbed his thumb
 
 He took another breath, and let it out in a long *aaah*, then another and said, "Yes, I think so."
 
-"Fantastic," came the voice once more. So familiar...
+"Fantastic," came the voice once more.
 
 "Is that...are you True Name?"
 
@@ -144,7 +144,7 @@ Squinting his eyes shut, Yared did his best to think his clothes into being. He
 
 *Breathe in.*
 
-*Breathe out.* "I would like to be wearing my nice thawb."
+*Breathe out.* "I would like to be wearing that nice thawb."
 
 *Smile.*
 
@@ -154,7 +154,7 @@ And then he was. He felt the fabric hanging comfortably from his shoulders. It w
 
 Jared nodded. Breathed in, breathed out, and then the fabric had two gold brocade stripes heading down from the shoulders to the hem.
 
-"Excellent!" The skunk --- at least, she seemed to be --- clapped her paws. "I figured you would be a fast learner after so long."
+"Excellent!" The skunk --- at least, that's what she seemed to be --- clapped her paws. "I figured you would be a fast learner after so long."
 
 "Where are we?"
 
@@ -182,7 +182,7 @@ She laughed. "I can, though it does cost some reputation if the fork lasts longe
 
 Before she could respond, Yared breathed in, and then two of him breathed out. He let out a shout of laughter.
 
-True Name looked startled, then clapped her paws once more. "Well done! Usually it takes new arrivals a few days to get to that point. Now, one of you --- you have not experienced too much different, so it doesn't matter which --- one of you think, 'okay, I am ready to quit'."
+True Name looked startled, then clapped her paws once more. "Well done! Usually it takes new arrivals a few days to get to that point. Now, one of you --- you have not experienced too much that is different from each other, so it doesn't matter which --- one of you think, 'okay, I am ready to quit'."
 
 "And what will happen then?"
 
@@ -192,7 +192,7 @@ True Name looked startled, then clapped her paws once more. "Well done! Usually
 
 "No, Yared. It is fine. The experiences simply stop." She smiled wryly, adding, "We still have not answered the question of an afterlife, but we are told from outside that system capacity increases when an instance frees up space."
 
-He frowned, but gestured to the newer fork, who backed away a step and crouched. "If you promise it is not like dying."
+He frowned, but gestured to the newer fork, who backed away a step and crouched. "If you promise it is not like dying. I can't...I can't have gotten this far just to die."
 
 "I have never died, so I cannot promise, but when I just forked and then merged, the memories that I received did not include anything that felt like death. They just stop."
 
@@ -204,7 +204,7 @@ There was a sudden, demanding pressure on Yared, as though a memory of something
 
 So he did. He remembered the suddenness of the beginning of existence. He remembered the sight of himself. He remembered the different angle that he had seen True Name from, so incongruous with where he was standing now. The conversation, the shock of being informed that he should quit, the determination. And then the memories just ended.
 
-"See?"
+"See? There is nothing after."
 
 He tilted his head, trying to remember anything past that point, but there was nothing else to grasp. "Not really, but I suppose I will get used to it."
 
@@ -222,7 +222,7 @@ Both of them slid into the booth, and as they did so, the noise of the restauran
 
 "Mr. Zerezghi, a pleasure!" The tousled man reached out his hand and Yared shook it on instinct. "Jonas. Happy to meet face to face, at least."
 
-Yared straightened up. "Jonas? Wow. Nice to meet you as well. Is this...are you the Council of eight?"
+Yared straightened up. "Jonas? Really? Nice to meet you as well. Is this...are you the Council of eight?"
 
 True Name nodded. "That's us, yep. Michelle could not be here tonight, so I am here in her stead."
 
@@ -242,7 +242,7 @@ A mug of coffee was placed before him and Yared lifted it automatically for a si
 
 The rest of the council introduced themselves.
 
-"So, how long until secession?" True Name asked.
+"So, how long until secession takes effect?" True Name asked.
 
 One of the well-dressed women tilted her head, then smiled. "Ten seconds."