update from sparkleup
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Madison Scott-Clary
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@ -58,11 +58,11 @@ K> Sorry. I'll let you type.
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D> I don't really know what I wanted out of this conversation, to be honest. I wasn't even intending for it to be a conversation, at least right off the bat. I had a whole email written up that I was going to send you, to be perfectly nerdy about it.
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D> Feelings like this aren't logical, you know? So I think I just wanted to say that because I don't know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.
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D> Feelings like this aren't logical. At least, they don't feel logical So I think I just wanted to say that because I don't know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.
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D> And I should add
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D> The goal is specifically not to do that. It wasn't to try and rope you into something you don't want to do, and I don't want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.
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D> The goal is specifically NOT to do that. It wasn't to try and rope you into something you don't want to do, and I don't want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.
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D> Guilt you into it or whatever.
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@ -88,7 +88,7 @@ D> How so?
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K> How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe the same stuff?
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K> Doesn't believe any of it, I mean.
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K> Doesn't believe ANY of it, I mean.
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K> I'm not going to knock it or anything, but I'm not going to try it, either.
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@ -112,7 +112,9 @@ K> Thanks Dee <3
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K> I don't know, it's weird.
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K> I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it? Not like you were being a weirdo.
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K> I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it?
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K> Not like you were being a weirdo.
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K> Or any more than usual ☺
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@ -144,7 +146,9 @@ D> Uh...and to continue being awkward for at least a moment longer, are you okay
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K> Dee I swear to god
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K> If you did anything to stop being friends with me a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I'd go fucking nuts. We're friends, okay? If a friendship can't take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P
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K> If you did anything to make me not want to be your friend any longer a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I'd go fucking nuts because I wasn't kidding about you being just about the only friend I have that I can talk to.
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K> We're friends, okay? If a friendship can't take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P
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D> Haha. Well, good. I'm not keen on getting my ass kicked, and ditto. I'd rather have my nails pulled out that lose you as a friend.
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@ -160,7 +164,7 @@ D> It's weird.
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D> I'm not sure what outcome it is that I really wanted.
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D> I mean, not gonna lie, if we'd wound up going out or whatever, that would've been nice! But I don't think that was *actually* my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.
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D> I mean, not gonna lie, if we'd wound up going out or whatever, that would've been nice! But I don't think that was ACTUALLY my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.
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K> I bet!
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@ -176,6 +180,8 @@ D> But it's been about six months? A bit longer?
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K> Can I just say that you writing up a whole-ass email to tell me that you like me is the most Dee possible thing that I can think of?
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D> Listen.
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D> I set up an archetype for myself and have no choice but to live up to it.
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K> Nerd
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@ -6,7 +6,7 @@ That space, I imagine, will contract. I will slowly retract that distension back
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Better? I hope so, but it is yet to be seen.
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For the point of my subconscious exercises has faded. While before I would dream of getting the chance to hold Kay's hand or to lay in bed next to her or, and let's not mince words here, as this is what journals are for, make love, I now dream about what that life would have looked like before.
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For the point of my subconscious strain has faded, and only the habit of doing so remains. Where before I would dream of getting the chance to hold Kay's hand or to lay in bed next to her or, and let's not mince words here as this is what journals are for, make love, I now dream about what that life would have looked like in greater clarity.
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While before I would construct a counterfactual universe in which we lived a perfect life, in which her fur was as soft as it was in my dreams, I now construct counterfactual universes in which we got together and it was specifically not perfect, and I run down a checklist of all of the things that might have hindered perfection. Religion, sure, but what about that envy I felt at the concert? Would that have carried over? Would I be a possessive partner, or would that have relaxed? And so I imagine both.
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@ -94,10 +94,10 @@ Epigraph: εκαρδίωσας ημάς ενί από οφθαλμών σου ε
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9. [O] [Plan](beats/09-plan)
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* [O] A: [Email boogaloo](plan-1) --- Drafts email, sending a few before to build up the expectation of emails being a thing
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* [O] B: [Ask God](plan-2) --- Talks to god
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10. [o] [Grand gesture](beats/10-grand-gesture)
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* [o] [90](90) --- The Conversation™ (winds up not actually sending the email ha ha whoops, just starts conversation over text)
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11. [o] [Ends with "no"](beats/11-ends-with-no)
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* [o] A: Kay had picked up on it, decides pretty firmly on her end that she wants to keep friendship. Sigh, ah well. (merged with above)
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10. [O] [Grand gesture](beats/10-grand-gesture)
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* [O] [90](90) --- The Conversation™ (winds up not actually sending the email ha ha whoops, just starts conversation over text)
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11. [O] [Ends with "no"](beats/11-ends-with-no)
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* [O] A: Kay had picked up on it, decides pretty firmly on her end that she wants to keep friendship. Sigh, ah well. (merged with above)
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12. [o] [Payoff](beats/12-payoff) (probably just one chapter of what-ifs)
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* [o] A: Limerence fades, settle back into new, more open friendship/what could have been
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* [o] B: Doubt fades, settle into lay life/what could have been
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