update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/mitzvot/030.md

@@ -46,7 +46,7 @@ True Name laughed hoarsely. "Do not put that on me, Ioan. You can be...uncomfort
 
 Ey nodded. "I can make the bed bigger. Should I make a second set of covers?"
 
-She swallowed several times in a row, a sign of tears to come ey well knew from May. "Can you...can you two..."
+She swallowed several times in a row, a sign of tears to come ey well knew from May. "Can I ask...can you two..."
 
 May got her arms around the skunk and murmured, "We will work it out."
 
@@ -70,9 +70,9 @@ Ey nodded and climbed onto the (now much larger) bed until ey could settle down
 
 *"I'm surprised she's so...physical,"* ey sent.
 
-*"She was not, at first, but I think she is working her way from past to present, as she slowly got closer and closer."*
+*"She was not, at first, but I think she is working her way from past to present. She slowly got closer and closer as she learned how I did the same."*
 
-It made sense, at least. Whenever ey'd dealt with a longer merge --- eir longest had been around thirteen months, a particularly boring project --- it always felt like the memories were interleaving themselves in with the ones ey already had, histories slowly zippering themselves into consensus. Conflicts, then, were the snags one encountered along the way, and one would have to dump energy into either reconciling or discarding memories. It was a very consuming task, and that True Name had been able to speak at all was far more than ey could have done.
+It made sense, at least. Whenever ey'd dealt with a longer merge --- eir longest had been around thirteen months, and a particularly boring project at that --- it always felt like the memories were interleaving themselves in with the ones ey already had, histories slowly zippering themselves into consensus. Conflicts, then, were the snags one encountered along the way, and one would have to dump energy into either reconciling or discarding memories. It was a very consuming task, and that True Name had been able to speak at all was far more than ey could have done.
 
 *"Think it's overriding the bits of her and End Waking that aren't keen on touch?"* ey asked.
 
@@ -106,21 +106,21 @@ Ioan accepted the glass from True Name once she finished, re-filling it from the
 
 True Name nodded and settled down into her nest of pillows.
 
-May and Ioan stayed up a little longer, chatting through sensorium messages despite their proximity. Cognizant of her mention that she felt better when not thinking about boundaries, ey kept the topics light, asking about favorite things and letting her rant about plays from her past that she'd hated.
+May and Ioan stayed up a little longer, chatting through sensorium messages to let True Name process in peace. Cognizant of her mention that she felt better when not thinking about boundaries, ey kept the topics light, asking about favorite things and letting her rant about plays from her past that she'd hated.
 
-Tiredness eventually won them over, though, and, despite the room being mirrored from what ey was used to, the bed was the same, comfortable one ey'd had for the last century, the house held the same sense of home as ever. May curled against eir front as she always did, and while it was strange seeing True Name in bed with them, it was still where ey belonged.
+Tiredness eventually won them over, though, and, despite the room being mirrored from what ey was used to, the bed was the same, comfortable one ey'd slept in for the last century, the house held the same sense of 'home' as ever. May curled against eir front as she always did, and while it was strange seeing True Name just beyond her, it was still where ey belonged.
 
-The last thing ey remembered before falling asleep was watching the way True Name had curled to face May, the two skunks holding each others' paws. Watching them and thinking to emself, *This isn't how I pictured things winding up if I was to somehow fix them, but it's not so bad.*
+The last thing ey remembered before falling asleep was watching the way True Name had curled to face May, the two skunks holding each others' paws, and thinking to emself, *This isn't how I pictured things winding up if I was to somehow fix them, but it could certainly be worse.*
 
 Waking brought confusion. Something about the inversion from their normal bed, of having fallen asleep on eir other side, induced a subtle sense of vertigo at first. The pajamas were also bunched up around em strangely, adding in a subtle sense of constriction. As sleep slowly seeped away, though, the feeling lessened and ey was able to relax in the warmth beneath the covers.
 
-Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as expected, but her arms were pressed against her front by a second warm bulk.
+Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as expected, but eir arms were pressed against her front by a second warm bulk.
 
 Ey tried to puzzle it out through the fog of doziness that still surrounded him. Eventually, ey gave up and levered eir eyes open, blinking a few times to bring the world into focus.
 
-At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled against May just as she was curled against em, trapping eir arms between the two skunks.
+At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled in May's arms just as she was curled in eirs, trapping eir arms between the two skunks.
 
-Ey lay there for a while, trying to piece together eir feelings on the situation. As far as ey could remember, in eir still sleep-muddled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity --- grabbing eir hand to get away from Guōweī stood out in eir mind --- but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them.
+Ey lay there for a while, trying to piece together eir feelings on the situation. As far as ey could remember, in eir still sleep-addled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity --- grabbing eir hand to get away from Guōweī stood out as an obvious example --- but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them.
 
 Ah well, ey was probably worrying too much about this, just laying there and ruminating.
 
@@ -142,7 +142,7 @@ Eir mind raced as ey tried to figure out how best to explain what ey'd been cycl
 
 Ey hid the heat rising to eir cheeks by burying eir face in May's fur. *"Right, sorry. You're okay there. I'm just being awkward."*
 
-Ey felt True Name relax slightly against eir forearms. *"We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply not used to this at all."*
+Ey felt True Name relax slightly against eir forearms. *"We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply not used to it at all."*
 
 *"Have you finished merging, then?"*
 
@@ -152,9 +152,13 @@ Ey smirked. *"Har har. All the same, I'm glad you made it through to this far, a
 
 *"Thank you, my dear. As am I."* 
 
-They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It *was* comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit quite well in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. ((etc))
+They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It *was* comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit quite well in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. This was so counter to what ey knew of her from the years prior, and even the her that she'd become over the past few weeks since End Waking's merge.
 
-*"Unrelated to comfort or awkwardness, I am going to get up to make coffee, at least. I did not sleep, and if I do not have coffee soon, I shall surely die."*
+Ey could already tell that she'd changed, even beyond the fact that she'd wound up as close as this. Her speech patterns were shifting once again, losing some of their formality, finding their way back to grounding from the high-minded patterns she'd picked up from her other cocladist. And yet they weren't totally those of May. They didn't sound the same, just more alike than they had.
+
+She was tripled, now. She was True Name and she was End Waking and she was May. Whether or not she would become something new or remain fractured ey didn't think even she knew. The adjustment would certainly take time for everyone. Ey liked End Waking quite a bit as a friend, but that friendship was different than that of True Name's. Ey was friends with May, but in that way that partners were friends beneath the romance, and there was certainly no comparison to be made between the relationships there. If she was of three minds, so was ey.
+
+*"Unrelated to comfort or awkwardness, I am going to get up to make coffee,"* she sent, nudging em out of rumination once more. *"I did not sleep, and if I do not have coffee soon, I shall surely die."*
 
 May grumbled again when True Name rolled away from her, gathering the remainder of the covers and a stray pillow up to replace the space that had been left by her cocladist's absence. Ey couldn't tell if the skunk was actually awake or not, but she settled down once more, if nothing else.
 
@@ -162,6 +166,182 @@ True Name sat up and scrubbed at her face with her paws before grinning down to
 
 Stifling a laugh, ey rolled eir eyes. *"Blame May."*
 
-*"Way ahead of you, my dear,"* she sent as she crawled out of bed. *"I will make coffee and then I will need some alone time on the plain. I will ensure there is enough coffee for all."*
+*"Way ahead of you, dear,"* she sent as she crawled out of bed. *"I will make coffee and then I will need some alone time on the plain. I will ensure there is enough coffee for all."*
 
-((May wakes up, they start talking about boundaries, TN returns and mentions that her fork quit, that she's feeling positive moving forward, more boundaries))
+There was a quiet clattering from the kitchen, mugs being shifted about and the coffee pot being set in place, doubtless another instance of her making enough noise to let them know what she was up to.
+
+It was enough to wake May the rest of the way, the skunk stretching out against eir front and yawning wide before she shifted about to face em. "Pillows," she mumbled, peeking down at the bundle she still had in her arm. "Oh, did I...?"
+
+Ioan nodded, placing a kiss atop her head. "She said she rolled over against you, yeah."
+
+"Sorry, Ioan."
+
+"It's fine by me," ey said, chuckling. "She and I talked about it a bit before you woke up. She's confused about it, but seemed like she needed it."
+
+"She is learning my wicked ways," she mumbled against eir front. "I am happy to hear that it was helpful and that you are okay with it, though."
+
+"Mmhm. How about you?"
+
+May yawned again before poking her nose up against eir chin. "I do not know. I slept through it, apparently. It fits with what I said earlier, though. I am pleased to care for those around me."
+
+"She also called us disgusting again."
+
+"That is because we are, my dear. Is that her making coffee?"
+
+Ey nodded, nudging her snout with eir chin.
+
+"Excellent."
+
+A few minutes later, True Name returned, carrying three mugs of coffee. Ioan and May pushed themselves up to sitting so that they could accept.
+
+"Heading outside?" ey asked.
+
+She nodded. "Yes. I will need an hour or so of nothing but the morning and the grass."
+
+"Of course."
+
+May nodded. "Take the space you need."
+
+True Name leaned over enough to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. "Thank you, dear. If you cook breakfast, I will refrain from telling Ioan embarrassing stories."
+
+She laughed. "Asshole. Where did this humor come from?"
+
+"Your guess is as good as mine, at this point."
+
+"She seems to be doing well," ey said, once she'd made her way outside and down the stairs to the prairie.
+
+"It helps that I did not drop a merge onto her unexpectedly. She had more to process, but more preparation to do so."
+
+"She said she's done getting the memories in order but working on conflicts now."
+
+ May nodded. "About a third of the way done, then."
+ 
+"It's really gratifying to see it going so much more smoothly this time."
+
+"Agreed, yes," she said between sips. "I was not expecting her to turn into a cuddlebug, but I suppose that will level out before long. Was that awkward, this morning?"
+
+Ey shrugged. "A little, I guess. Just hard making it work in my head."
+
+"I cannot picture you getting cozy with *just* True Name, no. I can barely picture her getting cozy with anyone, and that is certainly not even bringing End Waking's general touch aversion into the equation."
+
+"I'd assume she got cozy with Zacharias, if they were together."
+
+May's expression soured. "We will need to talk about him soon, but I cannot talk about him now."
+
+"Of course."
+
+She made a setting aside gesture, stepping back to the previous topic. "Did that feel like crossing a boundary?"
+
+"Not particularly, no. It just felt like me being awkward, more than anything."
+
+"That is good, then." She finished her coffee and waved the mug away. "I do not know how to feel about it, myself, because I do not know what she will be like when she has finished incorporating the merge. She is fractured enough now that I will forgive much that I might not otherwise."
+
+"It's not like she was hitting on me or anything," ey said, laughing.
+
+She smirked. "Are you sure?"
+
+Ey reached over to tug on one of her ears gently. "Yes, I'm sure. I'm dense, but not *that* dense."
+
+The skunk tilted her head at the tug, laughing. "Has your opinion of her as a friend changed?"
+
+Ioan tilted eir head. "How do you mean?"
+
+"I do not imagine that you feel the same about someone who is just True Name as you do about who she has become. Or is becoming, at least."
+
+"Well, no," ey hazarded. "But I don't know just how, yet."
+
+They reconvened over a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon with toast.
+
+"I instructed my fork to quit," True Name said as a way of opening the conversation.
+
+"Feeling positive about the merge, then?" ey asked.
+
+"Yes. Having worked through some conflicts, it will not be easy, but I am comfortable with the direction in which it is going." She took a bite of toast piled high with eggs and a small piece of bacon, chewing thoughtfully. "It is not all positive, but it has given me hope for a pleasant life moving forward."
+
+"Was your life unpleasant before?" When May frowned at em, ey held up eir hands. "Sorry, maybe that's impertinent, or unimportant."
+
+True Name shook her head. "It is okay. It was, yes. It was fulfilling. I felt hopeful and comfortable with the path I had chosen. The work itself was starting to grate on me, but that had less to do with the work than the coworker."
+
+May, having subsided, finished her bite of toast before asking, "Did you have hope for happiness with just End Waking's merge?"
+
+"Not particularly, if I am honest." She reached out a paw to give one of May's a squeeze, adding quickly, "Again, I understand why --- now more than ever --- why you did what you did, and I do approve of it in light of what is happening with Jonas, but it was an uncomfortable duality in comparison to this comfortable plurality."
+
+May smiled gratefully, returning that squeeze.
+
+"Meeting up with my fork hammered that point home pretty well, and, seeing myself through her eyes, I can tell that she was pleased as well."
+
+"I am very happy to hear that," May said. "Not least of which because you seem to be building a new self rather than simply becoming any one of us."
+
+True Name nodded, finished her plate before setting it aside. "Thank you for breakfast, dear. Your secrets are safe for another day-- ow!"
+
+"Your high station does not preclude you from being kicked, my dear," May said sweetly. "You deserved that."
+
+The skunk preened.
+
+Ioan watched the exchange, grinning. Beyond just what she'd said, ey could read relief in May's features. That resentment towards her down-tree instance had never quite gone away, ey knew, and, on some level, it likely never would. Still, that True Name was heading towards being a new person seemed to have brought out a new sense of friendliness within eir partner that had been lacking to that point.
+
+Ey wondered if she would go through a reevaluation of who True Name had been before, much as ey had? It was certainly enough that she felt more positive, but ey --- em and Codrin#Castor, perhaps --- seemed to have dropped much of that resentment that had lingered in May, though whether that was due to a difference in temperament or the relatively short time they'd known the skunk in comparison, ey couldn't tell.
+
+"Is it just me, or is eir mumbling getting worse?" True Name stage-whispered to May.
+
+She whispered back, "Perhaps the centuries are catching up to em."
+
+"Are all skunks such brats?" Ey rolled eir eyes.
+
+They laughed.
+
+"I mumble more when I'm stressed, that's all."
+
+"Are you stressed now, my dear?" May asked.
+
+"It's a stressful time overall, even if this particular morning is pleasant enough."
+
+"It feels rather like the morning after a sleepover, yes," True Name said.
+
+May nodded eagerly.
+
+"I've never had one of those, I'll have to take your word for it. Do those always come with cuddling up in the morning?"
+
+Both skunks splayed their ears.
+
+"It depends on the sleepover," May said, adding to True Name, "Are you feeling well enough to discuss boundaries now?"
+
+She hesitated. "We can begin the discussion, though I will need to address further conflicts before long."
+
+"To be clear," Ioan said. "I don't feel like any boundaries were crossed."
+
+True Name gave a hint of a bow. "One thing that came up in our discussions leading up to the merge is that the one with the greater restrictions in a relationship defines the boundaries. Right now, I think that may be one of you two. I am the outsider, here. I have never had to have a conversation such as this."
+
+"My comment about you building up a new self has gone a long way towards soothing any fears," May said. "I think I was worried you might incorporate my memories of the last few decades wholesale and wind up feeling exactly the way that I do about Ioan."
+
+True Name shook her head. "I have taken to heart your requests and declined the personal memories you suggested. There are many conflicts," she said, speaking more slowly. "Perhaps due to your feelings about me as I was, so I am not sure how I feel yet, but...well, may I speak earnestly?"
+
+May and Ioan both nodded.
+
+"I remember enough to know why it is that you love Ioan. I can see what it is that you see in em. Perhaps..." She trailed off, ears pinned flat. "This is so fucking embarrassing. I am sorry. Uh...and perhaps there is a world in which I could do the same, I just do not know how to get from here to there. Again, I am sorry, May Then My Name."
+
+There was a long silence around the table while Ioan and May digested this. True Name spent it resting her head in her paws and staring down at her plate.
+
+It was May who broke the silence, saying simply, "May."
+
+True Name sniffled and lifted her head. "Sorry?"
+
+"Stop calling me May Then My Name."
+
+"I--"
+
+"Do not make it weird, True Name," May said, laughing. She held out a paw toward the skunk "Just fucking call me May already."
+
+"Right. May," True Name said, gingerly resting her paw in her up-tree instance's.
+
+"I do not know how you get from this world to that one, either, my dear, but," she said, taking a deep breath. "So long as you come by that path earnestly, I do not think I have a problem with it. Ioan?"
+
+Ey held up eir hands. "Don't look at me. I don't have a clue."
+
+They laughed.
+
+"We'll see, I guess," ey said, shrugging. "It's all way too much for me to take in right now."
+
+"Perhaps that is a good place to pause," True Name said. "This conversation has those conflicts begging for attention."
+
+"Of course, my dear," May said, giving her paw a squeeze before letting go. "Go and walk. There will be time for discussions to come, especially once we are finished with this unpleasant political business."