update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/mitzvot/033.md

@@ -36,7 +36,7 @@ And ey was genuinely pleased to see her happy, or at least on her way to happine
 
 It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts; ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces.
 
-The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey stayed away, opting instead for a night in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the *History*, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for.
+The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey stayed away, opting instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the *History*, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for.
 
 Beyond that, though, it was just the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre.
 
@@ -96,9 +96,9 @@ Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floo
 
 There was another sigh. "I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage."
 
-"That's fair."
+"Of course."
 
-"Give me the address of the sim, at least? I will take a look and let you know what I think."
+"Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think."
 
 "Peak Lake#587a9383."
 
@@ -114,9 +114,13 @@ Ey shook eir head. "You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?
 
 "There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible."
 
+"How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?"
+
+"I haven't the faintest."
+
 "How many of us do you think there are?"
 
-"Right. 'Nominally' a hundred."
+"Right." Ey smirked. "'Nominally' a hundred."
 
 "There you go," she said, voice sly. "We are old and we are many."
 
@@ -158,13 +162,13 @@ Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. "Skunks are such brats."
 
 She laughed and shoved herself away from em. "Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion."
 
-Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up --- the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it --- finally ending with, "It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how you two are doing cooped up here."
+Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up --- the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it --- finally ending with, "It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?"
 
 May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. "I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. *Restaurants.*"
 
 "Getting sick of my cooking?"
 
-"It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine."
+"It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine." She hesitated, then shrugged. "Though you are not very good at sushi."
 
 "Do you feel like you are not able to leave?" True Name asked. "I do not think you would be in much danger."
 
@@ -178,29 +182,29 @@ A motion from the couch drew eir ey. True Name slumping over onto her side and s
 
 "You will see them one day, my dear," May said. "I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will."
 
-"Not today, not yet," True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. "But *you* should, May. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make flirty expressions at him until he squirms."
+"Not today. Not yet," True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. "But *you* should, May. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms."
 
-May laughed. "I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once.
+May laughed. "I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once."
 
-"Of course. Go visit the field and Douglas. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do."
+"Of course. Go visit the field and Douglas. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking."
 
 May looked to Ioan, who said, "I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here."
 
 "Will you not come with?"
 
-Ey shrugged. "Maybe, I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though."
+Ey shrugged. "I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house."
 
 "Pushing me out the door, now?" She smirked.
 
 "No, of course not," ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. "Just making sure you get what you need, too."
 
-"I am," True Name said, still stretched out on the couch. "I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling."
+"I am," True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. "I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling."
 
-"I would call this mean if you were not both right," May said, waving a paw dismissively. "Give me a moment, then."
+"I would call this mean if you were not both so right," May said, waving a paw dismissively. "Give me a moment, then."
 
 When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged.
 
-"Alright," May said. "Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, Ioan?"
+"Alright," May said. "Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, Ioan? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that."
 
 "Wait, tonight?"
 
@@ -212,25 +216,25 @@ Ey furrowed eir brow. "I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?"
 
 "Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim."
 
-She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. "I was going to head out now, my dear. Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit of solitude."
+She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. "It is nearly six. I was going to head out now, my dear. Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit of solitude."
 
 "Alright, alright."
 
 She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. "And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever."
 
-"Mm. Do enjoy yourself, my dear."
+"Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May."
 
-Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea, True Name either dozed or got lost in thought.
+Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed.
 
-It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until they'd started feeling well enough to get out. 
+It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today when they'd apparently started feeling well enough to get out. 
 
 There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merger, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and May.
 
 And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. The nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches.
 
-But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant.
+But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant.
 
-*You can just fucking ask, too, you know.*
+*You can just ask, too, you know.*
 
 "Hey, True Name?"
 
@@ -238,74 +242,123 @@ But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out
 
 "Have things been awkward since the merge?"
 
-She levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her paws over her face, looking like she had indeed dozed off. "Awkward how?"
+She  yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her paws over her face. She certainly looked like she'd dozed off. "Awkward how?"
 
 "Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand." Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag, as well, adding, "Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking."
 
-"Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least," she said, grinning. "I have no idea, my dear. I am...I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my memories of you from True Name over the last few years feels more real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?"
+"Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least," she said, grinning. "I have no idea, my dear. I am...I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me *qua* True Name over the last few years feels more...real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?"
 
 Ey blinked. "Of course."
 
-"May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. Too long of the whole clade accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins, perhaps." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core, perhaps, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds."
+"May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. Too long a time of the whole clade accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins, perhaps." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core, I think, as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds."
 
 "In terms of conflicts?"
 
-She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of remaining conflicts. I feel tripled. I feel like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May. I lack the language to describe it, perhaps. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. The reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says."
+She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of remaining conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. The reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says."
 
 "I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds...I don't even know. Impossible."
 
-"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what May --- or even I --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. Difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, dear."
+"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what May --- or even I --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, dear."
 
 Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks.
 
 "Yes, see?" She laughed. "Look at you. It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them."
 
-"Well put, yeah," ey said, smiling cautiously.
+"You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously.
 
-"Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward, but then at least we will know and quit fucking around, yes?"
+"Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?"
 
 Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle of eir own. "Uh...well, sure."
 
 For all the confidence in her words, the skunk looked just as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.
 
-One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag, though. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed briefly, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.
+Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.
 
-"Jesus...you would think that I would know how this works," she mumbled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized.
+"Jesus...you would think...I would know how this works," she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized.
 
 "Here, just-- Oh." Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. "I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant."
 
-"No," came her muffled voice. "But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed."
+"Not exactly, no," came her muffled voice. "But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed."
 
 Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. "Sorry, True Name."
 
-After a moment's hesitation, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. "This is stupid, Ioan," she grumbled. "This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected. Pet my ears, please."
+After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. "This is stupid, Ioan," she grumbled. "This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected. Pet my ears, please."
 
-"What? Oh." Ey shook eir head and brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very nearly the same, and were it not for the difference in clothes and the benefit of two and half decades of time together, ey could probably have confused one for the other. "Uh...yeah. Stupid, awkward, and confusing is about the long and short of it. Too awkward?"
+"What? Oh." Ey shook eir head and brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very nearly the same, and were it not for the difference in clothes and the benefit of two and half decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. "Uh...yeah. Stupid, awkward, and confusing is about the long and short of it. Too awkward?"
 
-"The closer I get, the more May I feel, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched, and by none other than you," she mumbled against the beanbag. "But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?"
+"I do not know. The closer I get, the more May I feel, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched, and by none other than you," she mumbled against the beanbag. "But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?"
 
 "Almost exactly and not at all," ey admitted. 
 
-The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. "That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds, I imagine."
+The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. "That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds."
 
-"I think I understand what you mean a little better."
+"Right. I think I understand a little better."
 
 She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad."
 
------
+They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey'd read up on plurality in the past, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to working with plurality would prove useful for her, but the addition of the concurrent nature of their memories added a layer of complication.
 
-((From before May leaves; rework)) 
+Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complicated in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.
 
-"Do you want to get out and visit them at some point?" ey asked.
+*If only I could just turn off the overthinking,* ey thought. Aloud, ey said, "What do you think you'll do after all of this?"
 
-There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I am of three minds, my dear. A third of me would like more solitude than I already have, a third of me is filled with touch-hunger and would like to surround myself with all these people."
+The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. "Sorry, dear. I was dozy. What was that?"
+
+Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. "What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?"
+
+"I will relax," she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side. "I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for a few days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then."
+
+"I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again," ey said, laughing. "And I hope you won't disappear."
+
+"I will not, you need not worry." She shrugged against eir shoulder. "Beyond that, I do not know. I may write, perhaps."
+
+"What sorts of things?"
+
+"Perhaps a companion volume to your *History*. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?"
+
+Ey laughed. "That would've made life so much easier."
+
+"Why?" She said, smirking up towards em. "No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?"
+
+"I didn't yell at her!" Ey shook eir head, grinning. "I just called her manipulative."
+
+"Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law." She patted eir thigh. "But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people."
+
+"Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?"
+
+There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have, a third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends and would like to surround myself with all these people."
 
 "And the True Name third?"
 
-She averted her eyes, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame and rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade."
+She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame and rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade."
 
-A long silence played, where none of them looked at each other. Ioan kept eir gaze down, True Name focused on her tail, and May looked out into the yard and the plain beyond.
+Unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, ey just nodded.
 
-"But come, that is enough of that," True Name said decisively, sitting up. "Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself to sleep after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of hear within one month."
+"But come, that is enough of that," she said decisively. "Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself to sleep after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of hear within one month."
+
+"You mean for the meeting with Jonas."
+
+"Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in, but having that deadline will only help."
+
+"Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then," ey said. "And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too."
+
+"Of course, dear," she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. 
+
+They both froze.
+
+"Fuck, I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--"
+
+"Well, that was--" ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. "Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that.
+
+She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. "Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment."
+
+Ey frowned. "It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--"
+
+"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she said, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing. "Sorry, dear. Like I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am learning how to use it through trial and error."
+
+Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. "Take the space you need."
+
+
+
+"Do you want to get out and visit them at some point?" ey asked.
 
-((Serene gets back to em, says she's heard, but isn't ready to engage yet; Ioan goes home, talks about how they're feeling in terms of being pent up, May wants to get back to acting, eating out, TN wants to figure out what the fuck to do with her life, but can't w/ this Jonas stuff looming, time to start planning))