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Madison Scott-Clary 2024-03-25 22:20:05 -07:00
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writing/post-self/marsh/002.md
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@ -162,7 +162,7 @@ I closed my eyes to turn down one of my senses, taking one more sip of the sweet
There would be time for full perusal and remembering later. It was rapidly approaching midnight, and I needed to get the memories sorted into my own, interleaved and zippered together into as cohesive a whole as I could manage, all — or, at least, almost all — conflicts addressed (though with as separate as their lives had been until then, there was thankfully quite little in the way of conflicting memories), so that, shortly before midnight, I could fork and quit, myself, letting that new copy of myself live out the next year with Hanne, with all their joys and sorrows, while my original instance quit and let all those memories — those of Rush, Sedge, Tule, and myself — fall to Marsh to process, savor, and treasure for themself.
After so many New Years Eves, it had all become routine. Some years, I kept the memories, some not. It had been a nearly a decade since I'd bothered, and there didn't seem to be any reason to do different this year.
After so many New Years Eves, it had all become routine. Some years, I kept the memories, some not. It had been a nearly a decade since I'd bothered — I always checked with Rush, Sedge, and Tule before keeping their memories — and there didn't seem to be any reason to do different this year.
I heard Hanne return, heard her climb back onto the couch before me, felt her press a cold glass of water into my hand.
@ -182,17 +182,17 @@ She nodded.
She laughed. "Still, far better than I am at it."
"We've been at this for ages. That's a lot of practice. But hey, happy New Year."
"We've been at this for ages," my up-tree fork said. "That's a lot of practice. But hey, happy New Year."
"Is it time, then?" she asked.
I nodded, took a few long gulps of water, and,
I nodded, took a few long gulps of water.
"Alright. I love you, Miss Hanne Marie. I'll think of you often."
She rolled her eyes. "No you won't. Tell Marsh I said hi."
I laughed and, as the clock strikes midnight, willed myself to quit.
I laughed and, as the clock struck midnight, willed myself to quit.
Then frowned.
@ -204,11 +204,13 @@ Rather than the sudden nothingness that should have followed, I felt the System
"I can't."
My lingering fork took a step back, looking disconcerted.
"You can't?" Hanne tilted her head, then leaned forward to take one of my hands in her own. "I mean, it's okay if you don't want to. I don't think Marsh will mind if you're a few minutes late. Hell, you can even send them a message saying you don't want to this year. I think they'll–"
"No, Hanne," I said, carefully slipping my hand free so that I could stand. I needed to pace. I nodded to my new fork, who quit. I declined the merge. "I mean I can't. I'm not able to. It's impossible. Or possible, but– wait, hold on."
"No, Hanne," I said, carefully slipping my hand free so that I could stand. I needed to pace. "I mean I can't. I'm not able to. It's impossible. Or possible, but– wait, hold on."
It had been more than a decade since I'd done so, but if ever there was a time, this was it. There were very few reasons that the System would try to stop an instance for quitting and one of them...well, no– It'd been more than a decade since I had broken the communication embargo, but I sent Marsh a gentle ping.
It had been more than a decade since I'd done so, but if ever there was a time, this was it. There were very few reasons that the System would try to stop an instance from quitting and one of them...well, no– It'd been more than a decade since I had broken the communication embargo, but I sent Marsh a gentle ping.
Or *tried* to, at least.
@ -220,7 +222,7 @@ I frowned, pinged Hanne.
"What?" she said, her frown deepening.
"Hold on, one more sec."
"Hold on, one more sec." I nodded to my new fork, who quit; I declined the merge. This would just have to be a year where I kept the memories. Something was wrong. I could work it out with my up-trees later.
00:02.
@ -252,7 +254,7 @@ The rest of the clade looked to me as well, and I quailed under so many gazes. "
Silence fell thick across the room. The clade — Marsh's clade — stared, wide-eyed. Their expressions ranged from unsure to terrified. I couldn't even begin to imagine what expression showed on my face.
"Okay, no, hold on," Hanne said, shaking her head and waving her hand. She appeared to have willed drunkenness away, much as I had, as her voice is clear, holding more frustration than the panic I felt. "Did they quit? They couldn't have, right? You just pinged them earlier today."
"Okay, no, hold on," Hanne said, shaking her head and waving her hand. She appeared to have willed drunkenness away, much as I had, as her voice was clear, holding more frustration than the panic I felt. "Did they quit? They couldn't have, right? You just pinged them earlier today."
I nodded.
@ -270,7 +272,7 @@ It took a moment for Vos to respond to my ping. *"Reed? It's been a bit. What's
*"Is Marsh there?"* I sent back.
*"I don't know. I figured they were in the study waiting on you. I just made us drinks, but they're not in there now. Is something wrong?"*
*"I don't know. I figured they were in the study waiting on you, so I just made us drinks. Is something wrong?"*
*"Can you ping them?"*
@ -306,7 +308,7 @@ At this, both Vos and Pierre took a half-step back, looking startled.
00:11
I spent a moment composing myself. I stood up straighter, brushing my hands down over my shirt, and nodded. "Right. I'm sorry, love. When midnight hit, I forked and tried to quit as usual. I couldn't, though. The System wouldn't let me."
I spent a moment composing myself. I stood up straighter, brushing my hands down over my shirt, and nodded. "Right. I'm sorry, hon. When midnight hit, I forked and tried to quit as usual. I couldn't, though. The System wouldn't let me."
Cress and Tule's partner, I Remember The Rattle Of Dry Grass of the Ode clade, stood up stock straight, all grogginess — or perhaps drunkenness — from the party fleeing her features.
@ -320,7 +322,7 @@ Cress and Tule's partner, I Remember The Rattle Of Dry Grass of the Ode clade, s
I frowned. "Perhaps not all that, but it certainly felt like I was trying to push against something really hard. It didn't feel like it was impossible like anything else the System would prohibit, it just felt like I was being forced away from that option."
"Like death," she muttered again. Vos begins to cry. "Marsh is not on the System, then, no."
"Like death," she muttered again. Vos began to cry. "Marsh is not on the System, then, no."
"So are they...is Marsh dead?" Pierre whispered, his own voice clouded by tears. Vos towered over him — over all of us, really — and had always seemed as though she could weather a storm better than any stone, but now, even she looked suddenly frail, fragile in the face of the loss they were all only talking around.
@ -336,7 +338,7 @@ Slowly, all within the room began to face her rather than me, at which I breathe
"How do you know, love?" Tule asked.
"I worked as a sys-side System tech."
"I worked as a sys-side System technician."
Cress laughed. It sounded forced. "And you never thought to tell us?"
@ -348,13 +350,13 @@ She frowned down to her feet as she thought. "It used to be that there were rota
"Well, how do we check those?" Rush said, speaking up for the first time since that initial clamor of voices.
Dry Grass spread her hands helplessly. "I do not know. Again, it has been two centuries since I worked as a System tech. The technology has changed much. I would need access. I would need time to remember. Time to research."
Dry Grass spread her hands helplessly. "I do not know. Again, it has been two centuries since I worked as a systech. The technology has changed much. I would need access. I would need time to remember. Time to research."
"Do we even *have* time?" Lily growled at her, frustration apparently winning out over panic. Cress and Tule both gave her a sharp glance.
00:15
"I do not know. I am sorry," Dry Grass said, bowing. "I will fork and read up as fast as I can. May I remain here?"
"I do not know. I am sorry," Dry Grass said, bowing. "I will fork and read up as fast as I can. I may be able to get my systech bit back. May I remain here?"
"Please," Cress and Tule said in unison. Sedge, Rush, and I, along with Marsh's partners, all nodded. Lily did not. Hanne only frowned.
@ -384,13 +386,13 @@ Silence.
"Well, has anything like this happened before?"
Everyone in the room turned to look at Dry Grass, who shrugged helplessly. "Not that I can remember. The closest would be periods of downtime. It has happened a few times over the centuries. There was a few days of downtime while Lagrange was being set up during Secession, a few hours here and there."
We all turned to look at Dry Grass, who shrugged helplessly. "Not that I can remember. The closest would be periods of downtime. It has happened several times over the centuries. There was a few weeks of downtime while Lagrange was being set up during Secession, a few hours here and there."
"But not, what...thirteen months?" Cress asked.
"I have never seen that amount of time lapse, no."
Tule piped up, saying, "Nothing on the perisystem about anything like this happening before, but holy shit are the feeds going off."
Sedge piped up, saying, "Nothing on the perisystem about anything like this happening before, but holy shit are the feeds going off."
"Really?" I asked, then laughed. "Sorry, stupid question. Of course they are."
@ -400,7 +402,7 @@ Tule piped up, saying, "Nothing on the perisystem about anything like this happe
Vos frowned. "And what?"
"Well, I mean," Tule stammered. "Same thing, I guess. Nothing."
"Well, I mean," Sedge stammered. "Same thing, I guess. Nothing."
Dry Grass tilted her head, then nodded. "Another fork is keeping a tally. Missing instances are now numbering in the thousands."
@ -428,7 +430,7 @@ I sighed, nodded. "Right. Midnight hit and the date jumped forward and now there
"I have not been looking. I am uncomfortable with phys-side. There is a reason I am no longer a tech."
"I'll take a look," Rush said. Ve forked quickly, the new instance almost immediately disappearing as ve stepped from the sim. "Though I'm not as fast at it as you are."
"I'll take a look," Sedge said. She forked quickly, the new instance almost immediately disappearing as she stepped from the sim. "Though I'm not as fast at it as you are."
"Anything from Castor or Pollux? Or Artemis? It's only a few months round trip, definitely less than thirteen. We don't really talk. I don't have anything from any of the Marshans on the LVs."
@ -456,23 +458,23 @@ Lily pointedly looked away.
"Wait," Cress said. "So they're saying that there's a problem with the DSN and the station? How do you mean?"
"There are a few messages from over the last thirteen months, but they are queued up as though they have been held until now. There has been no contact between the LVs or Artemis and Lagrange." There was a pause as Dry Grass's gaze drifted, clearly scanning more of those messages. "Most messages have been discarded...only a few from the Guiding Council on Pollux plus a few clades on Castor...have been let through...outgoing messages are ungated..."
"There are few — surprisingly few — messages from over the last thirteen months, but they are queued up as though they have been held until now. There has been no contact between the LVs or Artemis and Lagrange." There was a pause as Dry Grass's gaze drifted, clearly scanning more of those messages. "Most messages have been discarded...only a few from the Guiding Council on Pollux plus a few clades on Castor...have been let through...outgoing messages are ungated..."
"There's a bit about that in news from phys-side, actually," Rush said, looking thoughtful. "Communications failure on the Lagrange station. Something about aging technology. The DSN was also having problems so a few new repeaters were launched. Some from the station, even."
"There's a bit about that in news from phys-side, actually," Sedge said, looking thoughtful. "Communications failure on the Lagrange station. Something about aging technology. The DSN was also having problems so a few new repeaters were launched. Some from the station, even."
"But nothing about the System?"
Both Rush and Dry Grass shook their heads.
Both Sedge and Dry Grass shook their heads. "There isn't actually all that much news from phys-side," Sedge admitted. "Like, less than a month's worth."
"What did you mean about reading between the lines, though, love?" Tule asked.
"The messages are very stilted. There is panic beneath the surface. That they mention so little about Lagrange is as telling as if they were to say they did not know. They *do* know, they are just refusing to talk about it over messages."
"The messages are very stilted. There is panic beneath the surface. That they mention so little about Lagrange is as telling as if they were to say they did not know. They *do* know, they are just refusing to talk about it over messages." She paused. "Or the messages that are being let through, at least?"
"Why?" Lily asked. While there was still an edge to her voice, genuine concern covered it well.
"'Information security and hygiene'. At least, that is what they would say were I to ask. Even if the messages were to fall into the wrong hands, sys- or phys-side, they would not show anything else having happened. I am of them, however. I can read some of the words that were not written."
"But news from phys-side says the same thing," Rush said.
"But Sedge said that news from phys-side says the same thing," Rush said.
She shrugged, another sheepish motion, and looked away. "Do you really expect that we are receiving unfiltered information from phys-side?"
@ -488,9 +490,9 @@ The others laughed. I felt a twinge of resentment. Shouldn't they be dumping all
"Yeah," I said. "Give me at least four hours. I'll do a little digging and grab some sleep, then maybe we can meet up somewhere else and talk through what we've learned."
"I'll keep digging at phys-side news," Rush said. "Want to help, Sedge?"
"I'll keep digging at phys-side news," Sedge said. "Want to help, Rush?"
She nodded.
Ve nodded.
Tule and Cress nodded as well. "We'll help out Dry Grass," Cress said.
@ -504,4 +506,38 @@ Cress shook its head, leans over, and hugged her. "Take the time you need."
"Really, really weird," Sedge muttered.
One by one, the other Marshans stepped away from my and Hanne's sim until it was just the two of us, the fire crackling, the weight of the evening hanging over, between us. We stood in silence for a few long moments before I stumbled back over to the couch and fell heavily into the cushions. I buried my face in my hands and only then let the grief take me.
Hanne sat beside me, got her arm around my back. She rested her head on my shoulder as the wave of emotion overcame me. At first, she asked if I was alright, then she whispered a few "I'm sure it'll work out"s and "it's going to be okay"s before eventually just sitting with me in silence.
"This is really fucking weird," I said once I was able to speak again. The sound of speech echoed strangely in my head, muffled in that post-cry mess. "I don't even know who I'm crying for. It's not like they're a parent, I came from them, but they aren't me, either."
"A bit of both, maybe?"
I shrugged. "Maybe."
"Do you really think they're gone?"
I shrugged again, stayed silent.
Hanne nudged me gently with her shoulder. "Come on, Reed. Let's get you to bed."
"I don't think I'll be able to sleep. Not after all that."
"Still," she said, leaning over to kiss my cheek. It felt too hot, too intense a sensation, but calmness radiated from that spot all the same. "If nothing else, you can lay down in the dark and give your poor eyes a break. Plus, *I* need to sleep, at least."
How could I stand, knowing as I did that the clade had become unmoored? How could I think of sleep when there might be some remnant of Marsh somewhere in the wires? Some ghost of them in the machine that was the System? If this System was a dream, as Dry Grass and the rest of her clade had promised the world, then oughtn't there be some wisp of them, some memory from which deeper archives could be dredged? Even a Marsh from decades ago would still be a Marsh worth bringing back.
I sighed, nodded dully, and let her pull me to my feet.
I swayed for a moment, feeling reality shift unsteadily beneath me. Once I straightened up, I followed Hanne off to our bedroom. We'd spent the previous night, as we often did, sleeping in two separate beds --- I always got too warm sleeping next to someone --- but any grounding force feels welcome now, so, with a gesture, the two beds slid together, merging seamlessly into one.
A hollow feeling bubbled up within me. The two beds merging into one was an image of something now well beyond the Marsh clade. I was thankful I'd already cried myself dry.
The lights dimmed to near darkness and the temperature dropped a few degrees as Hanne and I stripped and settled beneath the covers, her arms snug around me.
"I love you, Reed," she mumbled against the back of my neck. "I'm sorry I got so stressed before, but I love you. You know that, right?"
I leaned back against her. "I know. I love you too."
-----

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@ -1,37 +1,3 @@
One by one, the other Marshans stepped away from my and Hanne's sim until it was just the two of us, the fire crackling, the weight of the evening hanging over, between us. We stood in silence for a few long moments before I stumbled back over to the couch and fell heavily into the cushions. I buried my face in my hands and only then let the grief take me.
Hanne sat beside me, got her arm around my back. She rested her head on my shoulder as the wave of emotion overcame me. At first, she asked if I'm alright, then she whispered a few "I'm sure it'll work out"s and "it's going to be okay"s before eventually just sitting with me in silence.
"This is really fucking weird," I said once I was able to speak again. The sound of speech echoed strangely in my head, muffled in that post-cry mess. "I don't even know who I'm crying for. It's not like they're a parent, I came from them, but they aren't me, either."
"A bit of both, maybe?"
I shrugged. "Maybe."
"Do you really think they're gone?"
I shrugged again, stay silent.
Hanne nudged me gently with her shoulder. "Come on, Reed. Let's get you to bed."
"I don't think I'll be able to sleep. Not after all that."
"Still," she said, leaning over to kiss my cheek. It felt too hot, too intense a sensation, but I felt calmness radiate from that spot all the same. "If nothing else, you can lay down in the dark and give your poor eyes a break. Plus, *I* need to sleep, at least."
How could I stand, knowing as I did that the clade had become unmoored? How could I think of sleep when there might be some remnant of Marsh somewhere in the wires? Some ghost of them in the machine that was the System? If this System was a dream, as Dry Grass and the rest of her clade had promised the world, then oughtn't there be some wisp of them of memory from which deeper archives could be dredged? Even a Marsh from decades back would still be a Marsh worth bringing back.
I sighed, nodded dully, and let her pull me to my feet.
I swayed for a moment, feeling reality shift unsteadily beneath me. Once I straightened up, I followed Hanne off to our bedroom. We'd spent the previous night, as we often did, sleeping in two separate beds --- I always got too warm sleeping next to someone --- but any grounding force feels welcome now, so, with a gesture, the two beds slid together, merging seamlessly into one.
A hollow feeling bubbled up within me. The two beds merging into one was an image of something now well beyond the Marsh clade. I was thankful I'd already cried myself dry.
The lights dimmed to near darkness and the temperature dropped a few degrees as me and Hanne stripped and settled beneath the covers, her arms snug around me.
"I love you, Reed," she mumbled against the back of my neck. "I'm sorry I got so stressed before, but I love you. You know that, right?"
I leaned back against her. "I know. I love you too."
As expected, sleep did not come. Exhaustion pulled at me, exerting its own gravity, but too many emotions crowded it out. Too many emotions and too many thoughts. I spent a few minutes chiding myself --- shouldn't I sleep, if only to be more refreshed for the next day? --- before giving in and letting my mind circle around each of those emotions, each of those thoughts.
There was the faintest brush against my sensorium. Vos.