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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-08-02 16:35:04 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-3.md
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@ -14,13 +14,13 @@ For posterity (and an admittedly uneasy sense that I ought to attach just about
>
> I'll note that that last bit is not actually something I said out loud to him. Whether or not he is actually able to pursue his degree to its conclusion is not on me to decide, I don't know one way or the other, but it stood out to me as something that I had experienced.
>
> You all know that I'm a very awkward person. It takes me a lot of energy to have a conversation with more than one person and to engage with those that I am talking to in an interesting way that doesn't leave one or the other --- or both --- of us frustrated. Can you picture a priest struggling with something like that? I may have had a mind for theology and all that goes into the bookish side of being a priest, but I don't have it in me at all to do all of the *other* work, most of it based around social interaction, that goes into being a priest.
> You all know that I'm a very awkward person. It takes a lot of energy for me to have a conversation with more than one person and to engage with those that I am talking to in an interesting way that doesn't leave one or the other --- or both --- of us frustrated. Can you picture a priest struggling with something like that? I may have had a mind for theology and all that goes into the bookish side of being a priest, but I don't have it in me at all to do all of the *other* work, most of it based around social interaction, that goes into the calling.
>
> This is what I mean by discernment. In the context of the church, you take a long time to settle into a path that you will stick to for the rest of your life, whether that's a pastoral role, as a member of an order, or simply as a parishioner, but the same can hold for just about any other long-running decision-making process.
>
> My advisor at St. John's told me that one could think of it like dating. The process of discernment is one of figuring out the relationship between yourself and a potential outcome of that decision.
> My advisor at St. John's told me that one could think of it like dating. The process of discernment is one of figuring out the relationship between yourself and a potential outcome of that decision before committing to what may be a mistake.
>
> That can even be very literal. My parents dated for about two years before they decided to get married. In the context of their social lives and their families, this was an absurdly long period of time, but something about each other just made them want to be extra, extra sure that they were ready to be together forever. It's not that they were at each other's throats or constantly frustrated with each other, either. They were some of the most in-love people I've ever known. This year would have been their fortieth anniversary, and until the day they died, they were still holding hands and giving each other these little glances.
> That can even be very literal. My parents dated for about two years before they decided to get married. In the context of their social lives and their families, this was an absurdly long period of time, but something about each other just made them want to be extra, extra sure that they were ready to be together forever. It's not that they were at each other's throats or constantly frustrated with each other, either. They were some of the most in-love people I've ever known. This year would have been their fortieth anniversary, and until the day they died, they were still holding hands and giving each other these little fawning glances.
>
> Where my decision to join the clergy failed, that's an example of a decision that worked out well in the end. Extremely well.
>
@ -30,53 +30,65 @@ The discussion afterwards was fine. We talked a little bit about other long-term
Again, corporate nonsense.
I shared a bit of this with Kay and she sent me an eye-roll emoji, followed by, "It's bullshit like this that has me glad I'm still in academia. Not that libraries are immune or anything, but they're strange in that you're either a page or assistant like me or you had at least a masters degree."
I shared a bit of this with Kay and she sent me an eye-roll emoji, followed by
"I have a masters," I replied.
K> It's bullshit like this that has me glad I'm still in academia. Not that libraries are immune or anything, but they're strange in that you're either a page or assistant like me or you had at least a masters degree.
"Well, fair enough. Still, I think libraries have this ivory tower nonsense going on in ways that places like you work don't. Reference librarians stick to their subjects, book binders stay in the bindery, book purchasers buy books, assistive tech people deal with assistive tech, etc etc. There's no real effort to bUiLd a TeAm in the same way as it sounds like is happening with you and every other office drone I know."
D> I have a masters.
"I'd shake my fist at you for calling me an office drone, but you're not wrong."
K> Well, fair enough. Still, I think libraries have this ivory tower nonsense going on in ways that places like you work don't. Reference librarians stick to their subjects, book binders stay in the bindery, book purchasers buy books, assistive tech people deal with assistive tech, etc etc. There's no real effort to bUiLd a TeAm in the same way as it sounds like is happening with you and every other office drone I know.
"I bet you dress in business casual."
D> I'd shake my fist at you for calling me an office drone, but you're not wrong.
I laughed and typed back, "Of course I do! Have to look professional after all."
K> I bet you dress in business casual.
"Do you call it "biz cas"?" came the immediate reply. "If you do, I will block you immediately."
I laughed and typed back:
"I do not, thank goodness. I call it a button up shirt and slacks like a normal person."
D> Of course I do! Have to look professional after all.
"You are absolutely in no way a normal person." She followed this up with, "What did you wind up talking about anyway?"
K> Do you call it "biz cas"? If you do, I will block you immediately.
D> I do not, thank goodness. I call it a button up shirt and slacks like a normal person.
K> You are absolutely in no way a normal person.
K> What did you wind up talking about anyway?
I sent her the essay and then waited for her to read, feeling anxious, as I always seem to when sharing anything related to religion with Kay. She's never been anything but kind-but-disinterested when the topic has come up before.
Finally: "I mean, it sounds like a fluff presentation."
Finally:
"It was hardly an academic conference."
K> I mean, it sounds like a fluff presentation.
"Yeah, but it's not really -about- anything, I guess."
D> It was hardly an academic conference.
"I guess, yeah. Just a loose compilation of thoughts. I wanted to be the first so I don't have to worry about any presentations for a while."
K> Yeah, but it's not really -about- anything, I guess.
"Hahaha! So cynical, Dee! Never knew you had it in you." She followed that up with, "Especially given this apparently pretty earnest speech."
D> I guess, yeah. Just a loose compilation of thoughts. I wanted to be the first so I don't have to worry about any presentations for a while.
"It was earnest! I am cynical! I contain multitudes."
K> Hahaha! So cynical, Dee! Never knew you had it in you.
"Now I'm just picturing you as a priest."
K> Especially given this apparently pretty earnest speech.
"Black cassock and Roman collar? Or all the vestments for mass?"
D> It was earnest! I am cynical! I contain multitudes.
"Oh, the black one. Total hot priest vibes. You just have to wear that and call everyone "my child" or whatever and the girls will be all over you."
K> Now I'm just picturing you as a priest.
D> Black cassock and Roman collar? Or all the vestments for mass?
K> Oh, the black one. Total hot priest vibes. You just have to wear that and call everyone "my child" or whatever and the girls will be all over you.
Gears crunched to a halt in my mind. I must have sat there, staring at that message, for several minutes, trying to parse out just how much of it might have been serious.
"Sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive," she added.
K> Sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive...
"No no," I sent, then rubbed my hands over my snout before adding, "Just never really thought about "hot priest" being a thing."
I rubbed my hands over my snout before replying:
"You're just not on the right parts of the internet."
D> No no! Just never really thought about "hot priest" being a thing.
K> You're just not on the right parts of the internet.
The conversation wound down from there, so now I'm writing up my journal and turning Kay's words over and over in my head. They fit strangely into my image of myself. 'Hot priest'? 'Girls all over me'? There isn't a universe in which either of these things is true. I am no judge of how attractive I am and have never bothered to ask, but the idea of a priest being sexy makes my head ache. They are two completely separate concepts in my mind, a Venn diagram with no overlap.
And having 'girls all over me' just sounds unpleasant no matter how I take it. If I can't deal with more than three or four people in a room at a time, how would I deal with that in some situation that might suggest intimacy? And in the more idiomatic sense, well, I can't even deal with attraction towards one girl.
And having 'girls all over me' just sounds unpleasant no matter how I take it. If I can't deal with more than three or four people in a room at a time, how would I deal with that in some situation that might suggest intimacy? And in the more idiomatic sense, well, I can't even deal with attraction towards just one girl.