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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-08-02 20:15:08 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.md
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@ -128,29 +128,27 @@ What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yest
What she did not know, however, was that I had left of my own accord. At some point along the way, she had picked up on the idea that perhaps I had been ushered out unwillingly. When pressed as to why, she said,
K> Oh, I don't know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.
5:31 PM Kay> Oh, I don't know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.
My reply:
D> Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.
5:31 PM Dee> Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.
This probably would have been the best time for me to broach the topic, but I can point to this spot definitively as where I chickened out. Instead, I continued,
D> What lead to that assessment? I'm curious.
5:33 PM Dee> What lead to that assessment? I'm curious.
K> I'm not sure. You're a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.
5:33 PM Kay> I'm not sure. You're a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.
D> I think I'm just terrible at communicating.
5:33 PM Dee> I think I'm just terrible at communicating.
K> Also a possibility!
5:33 PM Kay> Also a possibility!
From there I explained much of what I had talked about earlier, about how I started to doubt my calling, rather than my faith or scriptures, and yet how my decision to leave had come suddenly enough to surprise even myself.
Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the school itself.
!{Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because I strove to reassure them that there were no hints of apostasy? Was it because they, on some level, agreed with me?}(This should be rewritten with Discernment taken into account)
Or was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?
!{Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?
Was I preempting them asking me to leave by leaving, myself?