update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/toledot/secession/phys/Yared/010.md

@@ -38,7 +38,7 @@ It had been a long time since Yared had worn a thawb, and it took a moment to na
 
 The driver nodded appreciatively, saying, "It looks good on you. Your shirt underneath may ride up, but feel free to slip off to a restroom when we arrive and you'll be able to take it off and check it at the coatroom."
 
-Yared nodded, smiled as best he could, and bowed to the driver. It was the first time he'd seen the man's eyes, and he was pleased to note that they felt as though they were always a second away from crinkling in a smile.
+Yared nodded, smiled as best he could, and bowed to the driver. It was the first time he'd seen the man's eyes, and he was pleased to note that they looked as though they were always a second away from crinkling in a smile.
 
 In the back of the car, Demma greeted him with a warm smile, and a rather severe looking woman leaned forward to shake his hand.
 
@@ -66,7 +66,7 @@ In the car, as he was being returned to his house, Demma broke the tired silence
 
 Yared nodded hesitantly. "Of course, councilor."
 
-"First of all, I hope you understand that your continued discretion is of the utmost importance. It is important to our trust and to your security." There was a meaningful pause before Demma smiled. "From potential bad actors, I mean."
+"First of all, I hope you understand that your continued discretion is of the utmost importance. It is important to our trust and to your own safety and security." There was a meaningful pause before Demma smiled. "From potential bad actors, I mean."
 
 "Yes, of course," he said, starting to rub his palms against his knees before he remembered that he was still wearing the long garment he had been provided.
 
@@ -74,9 +74,9 @@ Yared nodded hesitantly. "Of course, councilor."
 
 He nodded again, silent.
 
-"Third, keep in mind that, as you are a person of interest to the government now, all of your actions will be monitored as a matter of course. Please note that your interactions on the direct democracy representative forums will be monitored closest of all, and should they deviate from NEAC party stance too far, you may be subject to reprisal."
+"Third, keep in mind that, as you are a person of interest to the government now, all of your actions will be monitored simply as a matter of course. Please also note that your interactions on the direct democracy representative forums will be monitored closest of all, and should they deviate from NEAC majority party or coalition stance too far, you may be subject to reprisal."
 
-Yared blinked. This was unheard of, as far as he could remember, a government requiring a single individual to toe the party line. But then, perhaps it was unheard of due to the implicit threat of violence that Demma had dropped early on. He nodded slowly.
+Yared's breathing grew shallow. This was unheard of, as far as he could remember, a government requiring a single individual to toe the party line. But then, perhaps it was unheard of due to the implicit threat of violence that Demma had dropped early on. He nodded slowly.
 
 "Excellent. Those are the three requests. In order to formalize this agreement, I'd like you to place your thumb here--" the councilor had pulled out his phone where a rectangle outlined where his thumbprint should wind up. "--and state aloud that you agree."
 
@@ -96,15 +96,15 @@ Yared frowned. "Do you think there will be any further legislation around the Sy
 
 "I...don't understand. What do you mean?"
 
-Demma grinned. "There's no need for you to, but I'll do my best to explain. The System is a nuisance and a political thorn in everyone's side. It needed removal as any thorn does before the infection spread. Anyone who held onto their citizenship while making a one-way journey to a nowhere we aren't even sure is real could still have had influence back in their so-called home countries. Now they can't. That's that. It's a dumping ground for dreamers, and the less of those we have, the easier our jobs get."
+Demma grinned. "There's no need for you to, but I'll do my best to explain. The System is a nuisance and a political thorn in everyone's side. It needed removal --- as any thorn does --- before the infection spread. Anyone who held onto their citizenship while making a one-way journey to a nowhere we aren't even sure is real could still have had influence back in their so-called home countries. Look at Jonas, if you need a prime example. Now they can't. That's that. It's a dumping ground for dreamers, and the less of those we have, the easier our jobs get."
 
-"But," Yared said, voice quiet. "I thought you wanted to help them secede."
+"But I thought," Yared said, voice raw. "I thought you wanted to help them secede."
 
 Demma only shrugged. "I did. Just maybe not for the same reasons as you."
 
 "I'm sorry, councilor. I had been under the impression--"
 
-"You, too, are a dreamer, Yared. One who is easy enough to control, but a dreamer nonetheless." Demma said, smile kind and completely, totally discomfiting for it. "If you wish to continue dreaming, then, well, I suppose I have made my point about the System."
+"You, too, are a dreamer, Yared. One who is easy enough to control, but a dreamer nonetheless." Demma said, smile kind and completely, totally discomfiting for it. "If you wish to continue dreaming, then, well, I suppose I have already made my point about the System, yes?"
 
 The rest of the car ride proceeded in silence. The only other words that were spoken to him were by the driver as he helped Yared out of the loaned thawb.