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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2023-08-11 12:10:04 -07:00
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writing/post-self/marsh/003.md
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<!-- Would they really be sleeping? -->
One by one, the other Marshans stepped away from my and Hanne's sim until it was just the two of us, the fire crackling, the weight of the evening hanging over, between us. We stood in silence for a few long moments before I stumbled back over to the couch and fell heavily into the cushions. I buried my face in my hands and only then let the grief take me.
One by one, the other Marshans step away from my and Hanne's sim until it's just the two of us, the fire crackling, the weight of the evening hanging over, between us. We stand in silence for a few long moments before I stumble back over to the couch and fall heavily into the cushions. I bury my face in my hands and only then let the grief take me.
Hanne sat beside me, got her arm around my back. She rested her head on my shoulder as the wave of emotion overcame me. At first, she asked if I'm alright, then she whispered a few "I'm sure it'll work out"s and "it's going to be okay"s before eventually just sitting with me in silence.
Hanne sits beside me, gets her arm around my back. She rests her head on my shoulder, letting the wave of emotion overcome me. At first, she asks if I'm alright, then she whispers a few "I'm sure it'll work out"s and "it's going to be okay"s before eventually just sitting with me in silence.
"This is really fucking weird," I say once I'm able to speak again. The sound of speech echoes strangely in my head, muffled in that post-cry mess. "I don't even know who I'm crying for. It's not like they're a parent, I came from them, but they aren't me, either."
"This is really fucking weird," I said once I was able to speak again. The sound of speech echoed strangely in my head, muffled in that post-cry mess. "I don't even know who I'm crying for. It's not like they're a parent, I came from them, but they aren't me, either."
"A bit of both, maybe?"
I shrug. "Maybe."
I shrugged. "Maybe."
"Do you really think they're gone?"
I shrug again, stay silent.
I shrugged again, stay silent.
Hanne nudges me gently with her shoulder. "Come on, Reed. Let's get you to bed."
Hanne nudged me gently with her shoulder. "Come on, Reed. Let's get you to bed."
"I don't think I'll be able to sleep. Not after all that."
"Still," she says, leaning over to kiss my cheek. It feels too hot, too intense a sensation, but I feel calmness radiate from that spot all the same. "If nothing else, you can lay down in the dark and give your poor eyes a break. Plus, *I* need to sleep, at least."
"Still," she said, leaning over to kiss my cheek. It felt too hot, too intense a sensation, but I felt calmness radiate from that spot all the same. "If nothing else, you can lay down in the dark and give your poor eyes a break. Plus, *I* need to sleep, at least."
How can I stand, knowing as I do that the clade had become unmoored? How can I think of sleep when there might be some remnant of Marsh somewhere in the wires? Some ghost of them in the machine that was the System? If this System is a dream, as Dry Grass and the rest of her clade had promised the world, then oughtn't there be some wisp of emh of memory from which deeper archives could be dredged? Even a Marsh from decades back would still be a Marsh worth bringing back.
How could I stand, knowing as I did that the clade had become unmoored? How could I think of sleep when there might be some remnant of Marsh somewhere in the wires? Some ghost of them in the machine that was the System? If this System was a dream, as Dry Grass and the rest of her clade had promised the world, then oughtn't there be some wisp of them of memory from which deeper archives could be dredged? Even a Marsh from decades back would still be a Marsh worth bringing back.
I sigh, nod, and let her pull me to his feet.
I sighed, nodded dully, and let her pull me to my feet.
I sway for a moment, feeling reality shift unsteadily beneath me. Once I straighten up, I follow Hanne off to our bedroom. We'd spent the previous night, as we often did, sleeping in two separate beds --- I always get too warm sleeping next to someone --- but any grounding force feels welcome now, so, with a gesture, the two beds slide together, merging seamlessly into one.
I swayed for a moment, feeling reality shift unsteadily beneath me. Once I straightened up, I followed Hanne off to our bedroom. We'd spent the previous night, as we often did, sleeping in two separate beds --- I always got too warm sleeping next to someone --- but any grounding force feels welcome now, so, with a gesture, the two beds slid together, merging seamlessly into one.
A hollow feeling bubbles up within me. The two beds merging into one was an image of something now well beyond the Marsh clade. I'm thankful I've already cried myself dry.
A hollow feeling bubbled up within me. The two beds merging into one was an image of something now well beyond the Marsh clade. I was thankful I'd already cried myself dry.
The lights dim to near darkness and the temperature drops a few degrees as me and Hanne strip and settle beneath the covers, her arms snug around me.
The lights dimmed to near darkness and the temperature dropped a few degrees as me and Hanne stripped and settled beneath the covers, her arms snug around me.
"I love you, Reed," she mumbles against the back of my neck. "I'm sorry I got so stressed before, but I love you. You know that, right?"
"I love you, Reed," she mumbled against the back of my neck. "I'm sorry I got so stressed before, but I love you. You know that, right?"
I slouch back against her. "I know. I love you too."
I leaned back against her. "I know. I love you too."
As expected, sleep does not come. Exhaustion pulls at me, exerting its own gravity, but too many emotions crowd it out. Too many emotions and too many thoughts. I spend a few minutes chiding myself --- shouldn't I sleep, if only to be more refreshed for the next day? --- before giving in and letting my mind circle around each of those emotions, each of those thoughts.
As expected, sleep did not come. Exhaustion pulled at me, exerting its own gravity, but too many emotions crowded it out. Too many emotions and too many thoughts. I spent a few minutes chiding myself --- shouldn't I sleep, if only to be more refreshed for the next day? --- before giving in and letting my mind circle around each of those emotions, each of those thoughts.
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