update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/mitzvot/033.md

@@ -270,7 +270,7 @@ Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth t
 
 "Yes, see? Look at you." She laughed. "It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is...of me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of your boundaries."
 
-"You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously. "Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it.."
+"You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously. "Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it."
 
 "Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?"
 

writing/post-self/mitzvot/cover-ideas.md

@@ -15,7 +15,7 @@ I'll admit, I'm very keen on one aspect of the cover in particular. The story fo
 I still like the idea of having an open door somewhere in the image. Nice to have, but not required.
 
 * [#4](#4) --- Ioan talks with Jonas twice --- once on the balcony of eir home with Jonas sitting on a deck chair and Ioan standing nearby (it's winter, so probably snowy out), once in a pub. Both times, Jonas is insufferably smug and Ioan is frustrated/upset.
-* [#5](#5) --- After the merge, True Name has picked up May's affectionate streak and leans on Ioan a couple of times, once on a beanbag, once on the steps of an A-frame tent, once on a boulder at the lake (these last two times, she's a spotted skunk, not a striped one; see description of Sasha). The mood is kind of cuddly but also super awkward because neither of them know what to do about it at all given their history with her as True Name.
+* [#5](#5) --- After the merge, True Name has picked up May's affectionate streak and gets all cozy on Ioan a couple of times (a few times as Sasha; see [the characters section](#characters). The mood is kind of cuddly but also super awkward because neither of them know what to do about it at all given their history with her as True Name, but also May's memories of her and Ioan together.
 * [#6](#6) --- May gives a monologue at one point, looking drunken and melancholic in a bar-setting on a stage
 
 ## Samples referenced
@@ -192,6 +192,272 @@ Once ey'd finished and was left panting again, Jonas sat up in the chair and gri
 
 #### Second time meeting Jonas
 
+Ioan had never been one for bars. Ey knew that there was an enormous variety of them, and that doubtless some would play to eir aesthetic and likes --- the one at the base of the System Central Library came quite close --- and that not all of them subscribed to the "if it's louder, that means everyone's having more fun" school of design.
+
+There was just something about the idea, perhaps. Too much that took place in bars was, at best, confusing. At worst, it was distressing. Ey had no desire to be around the types of drunkenness that bars seemed to attract. May had a list of types of drunkenness she'd gotten from somewhere, ey knew, and ey didn't like any of them.
+
+Still, this is where Jonas had requested that they meet when ey messaged him.
+
+The venue was of the sultry, dark, wood-paneled variety, with warm, dim lamps hanging pendant over each of the tables and a row of lights above the bar itself. Conversations were kept low by the dimness, with groups of three or four huddled in booths while those at the bar drank alone.
+
+Doubtless Jonas knew of eir distaste, as well, and doubtless this had factored into his decision on venue for this pre-meeting meeting. Ah well, at least it wasn't a club.
+
+Ey stopped by the bar to get a cider of some sort --- something sweet; ey didn't know the first thing about ciders --- and hunted down an empty booth. The backs of the benches were straight and high, reaching up to the ceiling, leading to a secluded, if not particularly comfortable, space. There, ey sat and sipped eir way slowly through eir cider, waiting for Jonas.
+
+Ey'd shown up, notebook in hand, half an hour early and was half expecting Jonas to be late, sauntering in lazily at quarter past, just as some strange show of power, but he arrived right on time, picked up a drink from the bar, and hunted Ioan down. Ey began to stand to bow to Jonas, then froze. Zacharias stepped into the sim, as well, grinned widely at the sight of Ioan mid-bow and, before even making his way to the table, gave an exaggerated curtsey.
+
+"Ioan, wonderful to see you again," Jonas said, grinning. "My most foppish lackey decided to tag along, I trust you won't mind."
+
+"Of course," ey said through gritted teeth. "The more the merrier."
+
+"Precisely, precisely." Jonas raised his martini glass in a toast and gestured back to the booth and Ioan's half-finished drink. "Shall we?"
+
+Ey nodded and slid back into the booth while Jonas scooted in on the other side of the table, leaving room for Zacharias.
+
+The fox was only a moment in arriving, showing up with some shockingly yellow drink in a coupe glass. "Ioan, my dear. Wonderful to see you again."
+
+"Please don't call me 'my dear'," ey said, setting up a cone of silence. There was anger, there, somewhere beneath the surface, but ey was somewhat surprised to feel it almost completely overridden by exhaustion, something ey hadn't felt before the two had arrived.
+
+"My love? My--" he began, voice mocking. There was a thump beneath the table and he quickly cut off with a loud yelp, jolting away from Jonas, eyes wide.
+
+"Shut up, Zacharias," Jonas said mildly, plucking the maraschino cherry out of his drink and dropping it in Zacharias's. "Business now, prattle later."
+
+The fox sat, frozen, for a moment longer before wiping up some of his spilled drink with a bar napkin. His eyes were still wide, darting between Ioan and his boss. "Right."
+
+*Another show of power, most likely,* ey thought. *Why else bring him with?*
+
+"So," ey said aloud. "As I said in the message, We'd like to meet in two days' time. Systime 251+139, 11:00."
+
+[Source](034)
 
 ### <a name="5">#5</a>
+
+Some instances of True Name/Sasha getting cuddly and it being both cute and awkward
+
+#### True Name gets cuddly #1
+
+Waking brought confusion. Something about the inversion from their normal bed, of having fallen asleep on eir the other side than ey usually did, induced a subtle sense of vertigo at first. The pajamas were also bunched up around em strangely, adding in a subtle sense of constriction. As sleep slowly seeped away, though, the feeling lessened and ey was able to relax in the warmth beneath the covers.
+
+Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as expected, but the position felt off with the addition of a second warm bulk.
+
+Ey tried to puzzle it out through the fog of doziness that still surrounded him. Eventually, ey gave up and levered eir eyes open, blinking a few times to bring the world into focus.
+
+At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled in May's arms just as she was curled in eirs, and with with eir arm resting atop May's, ey was left hugging two skunks.
+
+Ey lay there for a while, trying to piece together eir feelings on the situation. As far as ey could remember, in eir still sleep-addled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity --- grabbing eir hand to get away from Guōweī, lifting her after End Waking's merge --- but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them. If nothing else, ey should probably decide whether or not to extricate eir arm from the situation.
+
+Ah well, ey was probably worrying too much about this, just laying there and ruminating.
+
+*"You almost certainly are, Mx. Bălan,"* came the barest whisper of a sensorium message. *"Especially if you are mumbling."*
+
+Ey jolted at the words impinging on eir senses, getting a sleepy grumble out of May.
+
+*"Sorry,"* ey replied to True Name.
+
+There was note of amusement, of almost-laughter, as she sent, *"It is okay, dear. What are you worried about? You only mumbled the last bit."*
+
+Eir mind raced as ey tried to figure out how best to explain what ey'd been cycling over.
+
+*"I rolled over sometime in the night --- I do not know when, I was memory-sick --- and have been staying still to keep from waking you two. Would you like me to move?"*
+
+*"No..."* ey replied hesitantly. *"But you guessed right. I hope this isn't weird or anything. If you need to--"*
+
+*"Ioan, I asked after your preferences,"* she chided. *"I am okay, I promise."*
+
+Ey hid the heat rising to eir cheeks by burying eir face in May's fur. *"Right, sorry. You're okay there. I'm just being awkward."*
+
+Ey felt True Name relax. *"We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply not at all used to it."*
+
+*"Have you finished merging, then?"*
+
+There was a subtle rustle of fur against pillow as the skunk shook her head. *"I have the memories in place, but there are many conflicts yet to process. It is easier to put those on hold, at least, so that I can make fun of you for mumbling for a little bit."*
+
+Ey smirked. *"Har har. All the same, I'm glad you made it through to this far, at least."*
+
+*"Thank you, my dear. As am I."* 
+
+They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It *was* comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit well enough in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. This was so counter to what ey knew of her from the years prior, and even the her that she'd become over the past few weeks since End Waking's merge.
+
+(( Another description, some time later ))
+
+The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately.
+
+She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the common areas before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them.
+
+"This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid," she'd said between sniffles. "I am sorry."
+
+May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights.
+
+It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another two hours. Later that day, May had instructed her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork.
+
+Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded the bed by a foot to at least make it roomier when she did join them. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
+
+Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see just how much May's opinion of her had softened.
+
+On the other, so had eirs. The nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had often included the skunks sleeping in, ey eventually gave up on that.
+
+#### True Name gets cuddly #2
+
+"You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously. "Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it."
+
+"Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?"
+
+Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle of eir own. "Uh...well, sure."
+
+For all the confidence in her words, the skunk looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.
+
+Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.
+
+"Jesus...you would think...I would know how this works," she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized.
+
+"Here, just-- Oh." Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. "I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant."
+
+"Not exactly, no," came her muffled voice. "But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed."
+
+Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. "Sorry, True Name."
+
+After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. "This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected," she grumbled. "Pet my ears, please."
+
+"Uh...yeah. Stupid, awkward, and confusing is about the long and short of it-- What? Oh." Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very nearly the same, and were it not for the difference in clothes and the benefit of two and half decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. "Too awkward?"
+
+"I do not know. The closer to another I get, the more May I feel, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched, and by none other than you," she mumbled against the beanbag. "But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?"
+
+"Almost exactly," ey said, then laughed. "And not at all." 
+
+The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. "That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds."
+
+"Right. I think I understand a little better."
+
+She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad."
+
+They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey'd read up on plurality in the past, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to working with plurality would prove useful here, but the addition of the concurrent nature of their memories added a layer of complication.<!--this feels like an apology-->
+
+Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complicated in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.
+
+*If only I could just turn off the overthinking,* ey thought. Aloud, ey said, "What do you think you'll do after all of this?"
+
+The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. "Sorry, dear. I was dozy. What was that?"
+
+Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. "What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?"
+
+"I will relax," she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. "I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then."
+
+"No, it's fine. A break while you're camping might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again," ey said, laughing. "And I hope you won't disappear."
+
+"I will not, you need not worry." She shrugged against eir shoulder. "Beyond that, I do not know. I may write."
+
+"What sorts of things?"
+
+"Perhaps a companion volume to your *History*. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?"
+
+"That would've made life so much easier."
+
+"Why?" She said, smirking up towards em. "No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?"
+
+"I didn't yell at her!" Ey shook eir head, laughing. "I just called her manipulative."
+
+"Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law." She patted eir thigh. "But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people."
+
+"Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?"
+
+There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people."
+
+"And the True Name third?"
+
+She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame and rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade."
+
+Unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, ey just nodded.
+
+"But come, that is enough of that," she said decisively. "Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month."
+
+"You mean for the meeting with Jonas?"
+
+"Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in, but having that deadline will only help."
+
+"Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then," ey said. "And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too."
+
+"Of course, dear," she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. 
+
+They both froze.
+
+"Fuck. I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--"
+
+"Well, that was--" ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. "Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that."
+
+She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. "Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment."
+
+Ey frowned. "It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--"
+
+"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she said, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. "Sorry, dear. Like I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error."
+
+Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. "Take the space you need."
+
+Her shoulders slumped. "I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things." She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. "Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns."
+
+#### Sasha gets cuddly #3
+
+Ey nodded. "And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or any of them."
+
+She poked at eir side with a claw before slouching against em. "You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan."
+
+"Right, right," ey said, laughing. "I figured no love lost, but--"
+
+"I did not love either of them, as friends or otherwise," she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. "Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that."
+
+Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. "Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then."
+
+"Says the writer." She laughed.
+
+"I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though."
+
+"Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help."
+
+"I mean, you're leaning on me now."
+
+"Smartass," she said mildly.
+
+Ey grinned. "I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still sort of getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago."
+
+"A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes," she said. "It makes my job easier."
+
+"What job?"
+
+"Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear."
+
+Ey shook eir head. "Right, sorry. I trust you."
+
+"I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it earnestly."
+
 ### <a name="6">#6</a>
+
+"To be built to love is to be built to dissolve. It is to be built to unbecome. It is to have the sole purpose in life of falling apart all in the name of someone else.
+
+"We all have a bit of that in us, do we not? You find yourself at a bar or maybe in some class somewhere, you look over, and there they are, right? You look over and you maybe catch their eye and you come undone at the seams. You fall into those big, beautiful eyes --- for when you are built to love, every eye that catches yours is the most beautiful thing of all time --- and you begin to flake away at the edges.
+
+"And to be built to love is to be all edges. They catch on your clothes, they brush against walls and furniture. You are all edges so that love can fill the cracks and soften those jagged corners.
+
+"You are spiked and barbed. You are almost built that way on purpose, so that the slightest breeze can blow you about and catch you up on some future love."
+
+The skunk had been sitting on a barstool, hunched over a pint and slurring half to the glass, half to some absent bartender. She slid to her feet, wobbled for a moment, then righted herself.
+
+"Actually, you know what? I have heard it said so many times that to hate --- truly hate, burn up inside with that passion --- is to actually be in love with the object of your hatred, but I think there is a little bit of hatred in love, too. You fall so completely for someone that you just cannot help but resent them. It is a mirror of that hatred for yourself, for all your jagged edges and prickly burrs, a reflection of the resentment that you feel towards yourself for having been built to love. And look at me!" She gestured down at herself, a grand sweep of the paw outsized in her intoxication. "I fuckin' loathe myself! Can you imagine how deeply I must love others, then?"
+
+After a moment's wild laughter, she stumbled back until her tail crumpled against the edge of the stool. "Ow! Fuck. Yeah, I deserved that one, I think."
+
+She moved to finish her pint, frowned on finding it empty, and shuffled away from the bar.
+
+"So yeah, you hate yourself, and it actually feels kind of good, does it not? Hatred can fill in those cracks as easily as love. Sure, it may not leave so pretty a pattern as the...whatsit...the patina that stains a tea cup with crackled glaze, but maybe the edges of you do not catch on so many things anymore. Maybe those prickles are dulled and you bounce off everyone around you. You can ping-pong through life, then, loving everyone and loathing yourself."
+
+The skunk stood up straight again, brushed her shirt out, and brought her tail around to rub at where she'd bumped it against the stool.
+
+"Good Lord, May," Ioan said, laughing.
+
+She grinned widely, all that feigned drunkenness suddenly gone from her expression. "How was it, my dear?"
+
+Ey slouched back against the front row seat ey'd claimed, tapping the end of eir pen against eir lower lip. "Really, really good," ey said. "Was the stumble intentional?"
+
+"The movement itself was," she said. "Though hitting my tail was not."
+
+"So no 'I deserved that one'?"
+
+She walked to the edge of the stage and sat on it, kicking her feet idly. "It was not in there, no, but I think I will keep it."