update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/marsh/008.md

@@ -44,28 +44,27 @@ Both my cocladists had a blank look on their face before Tule fell once more int
 
 "Yeah? And? I don't–" it began, then flushed red in its cheeks. It started to laugh as well, "Oh no, Reed. You kept the memories?"
 
-((REDO with changes))
-"Yeah. It was a confusing night, you merged down before I'd forked my new instance," I said. I slouched down in my seat, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks as I watched both of my cocladists laugh while Dry Grass sat, smiling earnestly at me. I knew that smile well, knew it from nights and nights together, from Sunday brunches and afternoons lounging in the sun. I shook my head to clear it. "You really want to talk about this now?"
+"Yeah. It was a confusing night, you merged down before I'd forked my new instance, then my spare instance quit," I said. I slouched down in my seat, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks as I watched both of my cocladists laugh while Dry Grass sat, smiling earnestly at me. I knew that smile well, knew it from nights and nights together, from Sunday brunches and afternoons lounging in the sun. I shook my head to clear it. "You really want to talk about this now?"
 
 She nodded. "I would like to talk about anything — *literally* anything other than what we have been talking about for days — and I will never turn down the chance to talk about feelings."
 
 "It's not a bad idea, Reed," Cress said, still grinning. "If you want to, I mean. I imagine it's gotta be weird as hell."
 
-"Oh, it is!" I said. "I certainly wasn't thinking I'd wind up with a bunch of feelings for someone I've only met a handful of times. I have years and years of memories of you two together, seeing each other every day, even you falling in love, and those have always gone to the instance that merged down with Marsh."
+"Oh, it is!" I said. "I certainly wasn't thinking I'd wind up with a bunch of feelings for someone I've only met a handful of times. I have six or seven years of memories of you two together, seeing each other every day, even you falling in love, and those have always gone to the instance that merged down with Marsh."
 
 "Wait, so...everything?"
 
-I shrugged. "I left some of the merge to finish after I merged down, but then my down-tree quit and I was left with half of a merge complete just so I had less weighing on me, you know?"
+I shrugged. "I left some of the merge to finish after I merged down, but then my up-tree quit and I was left with most of a merge already complete just so I merged the rest to have less weighing on me, you know?"
 
 Dry Grass nodded. "Pending memories get uncomfortable after a while, yes."
 
-"Right, and I had planned on discarding most of the memories about your relationship. I remember meeting you," I said, nodding to her, "and then I set all of those memories on hold while I was getting ready to merge down. I knew you all had gotten together, of course, so I knew to stop there."
+"Right, and I know we usually talk before I keep any memories, but there was so much going on and I had already merged most of the memories about your relationship."
 
-"Why, then, did you not choose to forget? To let those memories go?"
+"Why, then, did you not choose to quit in favor of your up-tree? To let those memories go?"
 
-I looked down at my plate, nudging my skewers into a neat row. "I don't know. Stress? All of that stuff started happening with Marsh and it felt more important to focus on that, so I just incorporated everything in one fell swoop."
+I looked down at my plate, nudging my skewers into a neat row. "I don't know. Stress? All of that stuff started happening with Marsh and it felt more important to focus on that. I was the one who tried pinging them, right? It was very in my face, very immediate."
 
-"So now you're left with our feelings," Cress said. The laughter had left its features, ad had the embarrassment. "You're left with our relationship."
+"So now you're left with our feelings," Cress said. The laughter had left its features, as had the embarrassment. "You're left with our relationship."
 
 I nodded.
 
@@ -81,27 +80,29 @@ She snorted, shook her head. "Do you see the guff I must put up with, my dear?"
 
 "Don't listen to her," Tule said. "She's just being a dramagogue."
 
-I laughed. "I remember that, too," I said. "And I guess that's sort of the problem. I remember what it is about you that drew Cress and Tule — or, at least what drew Tule — and I'm as much a Marshan as they are, so here I am, feeling awkward about being around you because I remember those months of hyperfixation, and then the comfortable normal that you settled into afterwards."
+I laughed. "I remember that, too," I said. "And I guess that's sort of the problem. I remember what it is about you that drew Cress and Tule — or, at least what attracted Tule — and I'm as much a Marshan as they are, so here I am, feeling awkward about being around you because I remember those months of hyperfixation, and then the comfortable normal that you settled into afterwards."
 
 All three of them smiled, all three looked a bit bashful.
 
 "You're all really cute together, is what I'm saying."
 
-Dry Grass gave a hint of a bow. "We do try, I believe." She reached forward to the box of empty skewers and tapped it against the edge of the box, cycling through options until she wound up with another set of sliced chicken to drop into the bubbling broth before her. "Are these memories of us, of Tule's relationship, clashing with your lived experience to date? And how about those of Sedge and Rush?"
+Dry Grass gave a hint of a bow. "We do try, I believe." She reached forward to the box of empty skewers and tapped it against the edge of the box, cycling through options until she wound up with another set of sliced lamb to drop into the bubbling broth before her. "Are these memories of us, of Tule's relationship, clashing with your lived experience to date? And how about those of Sedge and Rush?"
 
 More food sounded good, if only for something for me to do, so I tapped through options until I came up with a skewer of fish cakes — Dry Grass having requested we skip my usual choice of thin-sliced pork for her own dietary restrictions — which I let slip into the bubbling pot. "Since Sedge's merge-down fork incorporated Tule's memories wholesale, they weren't exactly tainted. And besides, they mostly tallied with what Sedge, Rush, and I know of you already."
 
-"That does not quite answer my question," she said gently, lifting her skewer and nudging the slivers of chicken onto a bit of rice in her bowl. "I am pleased to hear that there was no great clash up against what you know of us. What I would like to know, however, is how memories of being in a relationship with someone are fitting in with your lived experience of not being in one with them. We have met, yes? Attended the same dinner parties? We have seen each other here and there. Throughout all of that, I have just been that weird old woman that lives with Cress, and then with Tule, and now some part of you remembers, I suppose, loving me."
+"That does not quite answer my question," she said gently, lifting her skewer and nudging the slivers of chicken onto a bit of rice in her bowl. "I am pleased to hear that there was no great clash up against what you know of us. What I would like to know, however, is how memories of being in a relationship with someone you already know are fitting in with your lived experience of *not* being in one with them. We have met, yes? Attended the same dinner parties? We have seen each other here and there, chatted now and then. Throughout all of that, I have just been that weird old woman that lives with Cress, and then with Tule, and now some part of you remembers, I suppose, loving me."
 
 Following her lead, I pulled my own skewers and rested them on my bowl of rice. It was a good distraction, a moment for me to think as I nudged the fish cakes off of the skewer onto a bite of rice.
 
-Or, well, I had hoped that I would have a chance to think. Instead, I found my mind hopelessly empty. Instead, I found my thoughts focused on trying to get the chili-stained fish to stay atop that morsel of rice, on trying to get as much of that as possible held in the precarious grip of my chopsticks, on trying to fit it all in my mouth without looking like a complete idiot.
+Or, well, I had hoped that I would have a chance to think.
+
+Instead, I found my mind hopelessly empty. I found my thoughts focused on trying to get the chili-stained fish to stay atop that morsel of rice, on trying to get as much of that as possible held in the precarious grip of my chopsticks, on trying to fit it all in my mouth without looking like a complete idiot.
 
 The rice was too dry or too sticky, the fish cakes too chewy or too spicy, the bite too big and yet over with far too soon for me to make anything that could be considered headway on the topic at hand.
 
 *What a dumbass,* I thought to myself.
 
-Aloud, I said, "I don't know. I guess that's not all that eloquent, but it's only been a few days now, and...well, yeah, you're right. There's a part of me that remembers being in a relationship with you and all that goes with that. I–"
+"I don't know," I said aloud. "I guess that's not all that eloquent, but it's only been a few days now, and...well, yeah, you're right. There's a part of me that remembers being in a relationship with you and all that goes with that. I–"
 
 Tule looked aghast. Cress, laughing, shook its head. "Oh my *god,* Reed."
 
@@ -111,11 +112,11 @@ Tule looked aghast. Cress, laughing, shook its head. "Oh my *god,* Reed."
 
 "*Love!*" she echoed, laughing and leaning over to kiss his cheek. "This is the future we have found ourselves in, and it is a future entire, not some clean story stripped of references to gross anatomy and base desires. Reed, please continue."
 
-The exchange had led to a flush of embarrassment of my own. I had been talking about emotions with that "all that goes with that" phrase, but I suspected that Dry Grass was right to bring the topic of sex up sooner rather than later. That she had done so so adroitly, with humor and not a shred of bashfulness about her certainly helped to ease the humiliation that I felt brush past me. I was able to master it for the time being — or at least ignore the burning in my cheeks — in order to continue on. 
+The exchange had led to a flush of embarrassment of my own. I had been talking about emotions when I said "all that goes with that", but I suspected that Dry Grass was right to bring the topic of sex up sooner rather than later. That she had done so so adroitly, with humor and not a shred of bashfulness about her, certainly helped to ease the humiliation that I felt brush past me. I was able to master it for the time being — or at least ignore the burning in my cheeks — in order to continue on. 
 
-"There's a part of me that remembers everything, but it still feels just like that, memories," I said. "I could dredge up any one conversation, but none in particular stick out to me in the same way as a conversation that I'd experienced directly would. The memories are there, and I'll be reminded of them, but they're not at the forefront unless something happens to bring them up."
+"There's a part of me that remembers everything, but it still feels just like that: memories," I said. "I could dredge up any one conversation, but none in particular stick out to me in the same way as a conversation that I'd experienced directly would. The memories are there, and I'll be reminded of them, but they're not at the forefront unless something happens to bring them up."
 
-Both Cress and Tule visibly relaxed. "So it's not exactly something you're thinking about, then?"
+Both Cress and Tule visibly relaxed. "So it's not exactly something you're thinking about, then?" Cress asked.
 
 "Well..." I started, then stalled out.
 
@@ -129,15 +130,15 @@ I nodded. "I guess so. If things were...uh, more normal, then I guess there migh
 
 "Is that unpleasant?" she asked.
 
-I shook my head vehemently. "Not at all, no. I can even mostly ignore it. It's like a dream that sticks with you through the day, you know? Except that it's a year of memories that are sticking with me for a few days, now."
+I shook my head vehemently. "Not at all, no. I can even mostly ignore it. It's like a dream that sticks with you through the day, you know? Except that it's a decade of memories that have been sticking with me for a few days, now."
 
 "Do you *want* to ignore it?"
 
 "How do you mean?"
 
-She sat back in her chair, folding her hands over her stomach. "Well, you could continue on as you are, ignoring these concurrences as they arise, or you could act on this new life that you have been given. You could request that we not work so closely together for a while, for instance. This is a perfectly cromulent thing to ask of someone, yes? You have an issue to work through, the issue is spurred by someone's presence, them not being around would alleviate that stress, hey presto. There is your solution.
+She sat back in her chair, folding her hands over her stomach. "Well, you could continue on as you are, ignoring these concurrences as they arise, or you could act on this new life that you have been given. You could request that we not work so closely together for a while, for instance. This is a perfectly cromulent thing to ask of someone, yes? You have an issue to work through; the issue is spurred by someone's presence; them not being around would alleviate that stress; hey presto. There is your solution.
 
-"You could talk about it more, much as we are doing now. That is just as valid an act. If you would like to engage with these memories actively, then there is nothing stopping you from doing so, least of all me." Her faint smile slipped into a smirk as she added, "Hell, you could decide to ask me on a date, if you wanted, since you already have memories of that working out quite well."
+"You could talk about it *more,* much as we are doing now. That is just as valid an act. If you would like to engage with these memories actively, then there is nothing stopping you from doing so, least of all me." Her faint smile slipped into a smirk as she added, "Hell, you could decide to ask me on a date, if you wanted, since you already have memories of that working out quite well."
 
 "God, love," Cress said, giggling. "Are you aiming to net the whole clade?" 
 
@@ -149,11 +150,11 @@ The three of us Marshans laughed.
 
 Put like that, I really did have to sit and think for a moment. I poured myself a cup of tea and watched as the other three settled back into a more mundane conversation. I watched as Dry Grass ladled broth from the hot pot over her bowl of rice to eat it like a soup, watched the way that she talked with her partners, my cocladists, one of whose memories rode shotgun alongside my own.
 
-I had lived two lives in parallel, Tule's and mine, and so I let that parallel continue into the future in my own imaginings. One Reed slipped almost effortlessly into a relationship alongside his cocladists, one woman acting as the pivot for our three lives. That Reed sat Hanne down to dredge up the topic of polyamory, untouched these last few years, to discuss this new relationship. That Reed forked to share time where it was required. That Reed grew ever closer to Cress and Tule in this shared orbit around Dry Grass, fell in step with however many others had found themselves mingling with the Ode clade over the more than three centuries they had been alive.
+I had lived two lives in parallel, Tule's and mine, and so I let that parallel continue into the future in my own imaginings. One Reed slipped almost effortlessly into a relationship alongside his cocladists, one woman acting as the pivot for our three lives. That Reed sat Hanne down to dredge up the topic of polyamory, untouched these last few years, to discuss this new relationship. That Reed forked to share time where it was required. That Reed grew ever closer to Cress and Tule in this shared orbit around Dry Grass, fell in step with however many others had found themselves mingling with the Ode clade over the more than three centuries they had been alive. However many had had conversations in their heads exactly like this.
 
-And the other Reed made the explicit decision to step back. It would have to be explicit, to; I wasn't sure I could ever keep such a thing from Dry Grass if I wanted, her whole personality seemed to be built around openness. That Reed simply...slipped back into life as it had been. There would be a few awkward meetings here and there sure, but then those memories would fade into comfortable normalcy, as might any dream that sticks with one. Life with Hanne would continue as it was. Life with the clade would be as it had always been.
+And the other Reed made the explicit decision to step back. It would have to be explicit, to; I wasn't sure I could ever keep such a thing from Dry Grass if I wanted, her whole personality seemed to be built around openness. That Reed simply...slipped back into life as it had been. There would be a few awkward meetings here and there sure, but then those memories would fade into comfortable normalcy, as might any dream that sticks with one. Life with Hanne would continue as it was. Life with the clade would be as it had always been. And what would that matter to Dry Grass? She didn't have these memories, this internal strife.
 
-Dry Grass had truly left me two forks in the road of equal value. There was no 'winning' or 'losing', no better or worse. The only path that felt unequal was to continue trying to ignore these feelings. Not just unequal, it felt inaccessible to me. She'd forced the topic out into the open deftly, for better or worse.
+Dry Grass had truly left me two forks in the road of equal value. There was no 'winning' or 'losing', no better or worse. The only path that felt unequal was to continue trying to ignore these feelings. Not just unequal, it felt inaccessible to me. She'd forced the topic out into the open, for better or worse.
 
 Better, I suspect. She knew the clade well enough to read those signs of discomfort in my words — no great feat; "I can even mostly ignore it" sounded like an equivocation even to me — that she had nudged me toward some more complete understanding by talking it out.