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writing/ally/writing/software/02.md create mode 100644 writing/ally/writing/software/03.md create mode 100644 writing/ally/writing/software/04.md create mode 100644 writing/ally/writing/software/05.md create mode 100644 writing/ally/writing/software/06.md create mode 100644 writing/ally/writing/software/_index.md diff --git a/writing/ally/_headers b/writing/ally/_headers new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ecafa2ab --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/_headers @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +/* + X-Clacks-Overhead: GNU Margaras diff --git a/writing/ally/_index.md b/writing/ally/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a845151c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +--- +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/about.md b/writing/ally/about.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..91620f5e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/about.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +--- + +ally is an ergodic, arborescent, semiautobiographical work about identity, mental health, spirituality, and the mutability of the past. A lot of the information contained within is real, some of it isn’t. Each page is structured as a conversation between myself and my ally, a mirror reflection of myself. + +ally.id and the [book](/book) explore different facets of my life — some true, some embellished, some wholly fictitious — in a non-linear, ergodic fashion, using color, page-layout, and mixed-media to create a book more experience than memoir. + +The idea was originally cribbed from Dale Pendell's wonderful *Pharmako/\** trilogy back in my late teens, but has since taken on a life of its own. Other inspirations are Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves and J. J. Abrams and Doug Dorst's S for both their ergodic elements and the underlying autobiographical elements. On the hypertextual side, projects such as the old [Fray](http://fray.com/index-old.shtml) (notably the story [The Worm Within](https://fray.com/drugs/worm/)) and [Nobody Here](https://nobodyhere.com). Bonus points to [Ouverture Facile](http://www.ouverture-facile.com/) and the ilk for getting me thinking about online projects, even if this one isn't so riddly yet. + +If you'd like to read more of my stuff, I have a [writing page](https://writing.drab-makyo.com) (which even includes [a plain old blog](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/blog/)) and a [writing portfolio](https://makyo.ink). diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/001.md b/writing/ally/ally/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..24590a4b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +weight: 1 +date: 2019-08-09 +tags: +- uppity +- detached +- bored +categories: +- meta +--- + +What if I tried to write a memoir? + +Like. + +It doesn't need to be totally true, and maybe some stuff gets pretty floaty, and maybe some stuff winds up as poetry, and maybe some of it is ergodic with scans of notes or bits of other projects scattered throughout, and maybe I just own the hypertextuality of the medium, but it's generally autobiographical. + +That might be neat + +> Who are you kidding? + +Myself, I guess. + +> Well, have at it, then. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/002.md b/writing/ally/ally/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..679329cb --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-09 +weight: 2 +tags: +- uppity +- snarky +categories: +- meta +--- + +I'm not ready to share this yet. + +> But you want to save it? + +I want to save it. + +> But you save it like this. You save it on the internet. You obscure the link, but it's there. It's in the commit. It's in the logs. It's in the wires. + +That's not the same as sharing. + +> It's exactly the same as sharing. + +And who asked you? + +> Who invoked me? + +Well played. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/003.md b/writing/ally/ally/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eac5ef1e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-10 +weight: 3 +tags: +- inquisitive +- helpful +- snarky +- echoes +categories: +- nostalgia +- ekstasis +--- + +> Do you remember when you met me? + +When I met you? I don't remember it so much as a meeting as you were just already there. + +> I was, yes. + +After high school, then. That's when you showed up. That's when life began. That's when I started thinking of myself as a person. That's when I started thinking of others as people, with their own motivations, their own desires, their own incentives and failings. + +> And you made it through. + +After a fashion. + +> You're here, now. You made it through. + +
She never wanted to be + What she became; + The irony of which + Is not lost on her.
+ +> Touching. + +Hey now, don't be rude. Aren't you supposed to be my ally? + +> I **am** your ally. I'm just not your friend. + +Fair enough. + +So you showed up after high school. You showed up after life slid sideways through puberty. I went digging, you know. To find this out. + +> Oh? + +Yeah. June 2004. There you are. I say, + +``` +The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking? +``` + +And you replied...? + +> You're rambling. + +So pleased you remember. + +> You're rambling. + +I suppose I am. But there you were. You said *You're rambling* to which I replied "Guilty, conspirator." And that was that. That was us. We never greeted each other. Why would we? + +I kept digging, too. You stuck around for a year. I saw you off and on until June 2005. In October, 2004, I said that empathy is cooler in person. *Why?* you asked. *So you can verify? Don't you trust your feelings?* I said I didn't know, and then I begged you not to go. + +> Everyone always leaves, don't they? + +Perhaps. It's good to hear from you again. Even after fourteen years, I've missed you. + +> And what was the last thing I said to you? + +*I was going to call you emo, or suicidal, but no, not goth.* It was when Ash and Shannon and I found a house to move into. + +> I believe I also called you a prick. + +Was I? + +> Yes. + +Am I still? + +> Yes, but a different kind. + +You're as chipper now as you were then. + +> Yes, but a different kind. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/004.md b/writing/ally/ally/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f2b26570 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,118 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-11 +weight: 4 +tags: +- questions +- echoes +- humor +categories: +- meta +- alcohol +- nostalgia +--- + +> Why am I here? + +Aren't you always? + +> With you, sure. Why am I bound to words, though? It's been fourteen years. + +Surely that's not all on me. You must play some role in it. I was talking with my partner about doing something autobiographical for my next project, after all. + +> I'm the observer and the mirror. All I can do is reflect your choices back at you. Choice itself is not my department. + +After getting [*Restless Town*](https://makyo.ink/publications/restless-town/) finished, I needed something to do. Some other project that would make me feel like I was being productive. + +> Feel, or seem? + +Both. If I sat still, I'd burn up. If I was seen sitting still, clearly I'd be worth less in the eyes of those around me, right? + +> Not my department. + +Right. + +So I started digging through stuff I'd already done, seeing if any of it could be cleaned up and turned into a new project. I stumbled across [*Rum and Coke*](https://makyo.ink/publications/rum-and-coke/) and found it mostly clean as it was, so I decided to publish it as a book. Paperback and ebook, I mean, not just the stories online. + +> Were you proud of them? + +To an extent. A different me wrote them. A lesser me, in some ways. I was younger, I hadn't quite found my voice and tone. No [*Arcana*](https://makyo.ink/publications/arcana), no *Disappearance*, no [*Getting Lost*](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/getting-lost/) or [*Post-Self*](http://post-self.io). All I had was a few scattered tidbits and my mom's words ringing in my ears: "You wrote your own wedding vows, right? I could tell." + +A me with a different identity, too. A me that was working on gender through small steps. I hadn't yet picked up the word 'trans' for myself. I was non-binary, presenting male, writing to justify myself. Or maybe to hype myself up. I was writing works about gender and poly problems being worked through to convince myself it was possible. + +> They read like parables. + +They were, to me. Each one came with an internal discussion after the last line, *now, what can we take from this?* Something in a circle. Socratic. A talking stick. + +> I know, I was there. + +Of course. + +> Why didn't I show up then? + +I was too...something. Too busy, too preoccupied. I was focused too much on identity, too much on The Work, as it were, to reflect. Maybe I was moving too quickly to notice my choices being shown to me. + +> You'd mostly stopped [[adjective][species]](https://adjectivespecies.com) by then, too. + +Life got weird. I was transitioning-- + +> A choice. + +--I was solidifying my relationship with Judith-- + +> A choice. + +--I was starting to burn out at work-- + +> Was that a choice? + +The result of choices, maybe. The result of the choice to start drinking. It *is* called *Rum and Coke*, after all. The result of the choice to get into computers. The result of the choice to work from home, which itself was the result of a choice to take the previous job so far from home. + +> You burned out in part because you burned so hard at the start. + +Was I not supposed to? I had to prove myself. + +> To whom? + +You? + +> Not my department. + +One of your neighbors, perhaps. A cubicle over, a floor above, something like that. + +> Do you anthropomorphize me that much? + +No, I suppose, I don't. You're not my therapist, sitting in a chair across from me and talking me through my problems. You're not person shaped. You're the shape of my hands displaced half an inch behind my own, navy blue and trimmed with sea-foam green. + +> You haven't used colors in fourteen years, either. + +What I'm trying to say is that maybe you're back because of nostalgia. *Restless Town* was done and couldn't be published yet, and a prideful part of me didn't want it to be my first book, so I pulled *Rum and Coke* into shape. + +It rubbed my nose in the past. I published it a few weeks ago, and I wasn't done with the past, so I started archiving more data. I dug up my old hard drives. I grabbed stuff from Dreamhost, both files and database backups. I finally unlocked my LJ account and archived that. + +> And you work at an archive. + +I go through phases, looking back at the past. I'll spend a few days trying to backdate some log files, or dig through my old scores and publish them --- I did that too, alongside *Rum and Coke*, publish a bunch of my old music --- or resurrect my notes on [*Nanon*](http://nanon.lang.drab-makyo.com), or the like. + +> You are quite mercurial. + +A failing. That may play a role in my burnout. I'm only good at something for seven years before it becomes so intolerable that I have to leave. Happened with school. + +> So here I am, your ally, twice seven years later. + +I hadn't thought of it that way. + +> Portentous. The only way it would've been more so is if it were thrice seven years. + +I ran away thrice seven years ago. In seventh grade, in 1997, no less. + +> Ill omens. What will happen to me in seven years? + +Will you leave me for good? + +> Can an ally disinhabit a mind so easily? + +I'm not comfortable with that question. I'm not comfortable with its implications. Either way, the past is important to me because maybe it can help me figure out the present. Those who don't know history are doomed to blah blah blah. + +> And have you figured out your present? + +For me to pull out that trite quote about my own personal history speaks pretty well to my fears of doing things accidentally. I've certainly figured out my present better than twice-seven-years-ago me had figured out his. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/005.md b/writing/ally/ally/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cdf7ca77 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,71 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-10 +weight: 5 +tags: +- echoes +- kind +- snarky +- earnest +categories: +- alcohol +--- + +When 2007 rolled around, I turned 21. *What if,* I thought to myself. *What if I decided to see what it feels like to be addicted to something?* + +By that point, alcohol was this nebulous thing. I'd roped a few people into getting me alcohol now and then, and it was fine. I'd started brewing and it was whatever. I had beer and it was alright. I went through a mead phase-- + +> You went through several. + +--I went through a wine phase, and an absinthe phase-- + +> Don't sell yourself short. You wrote [an essay on absinthe](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/non-fiction/tasting/new-american-absinthe/). + +--and a gin phase. That's the one that got me. I had a bottle of Beefeater's, what was to become my gin of choice, and I had an inch of it poured over ice and I was standing in the kitchen. Such a wide open space. The kitchen at that apartment was larger than my bedroom now, and it opened onto a living room the size of what we have now. I was standing tall in that vast plain of a room, staring down into my glass and watching the way the ice melting into the gin created swirls of two different kinds of transparent. I was thinking how it was probably due to the different ways the two liquids refracted light, and then I was laughing, because I was staring down into my drink like something out of a bar. + +*What if I decided to see what it feels like to be addicted to something?* I thought. I drank every night that week. + +> Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose? + +I don't think I was thinking in those terms at that point. + +> Are you now? + +Perhaps. + +> Maybe you're just afraid of doing anything by accident. + +Perhaps. + +> You're sounding like me more by the day. + +Learn from the best. + +> And so you set about with a will. + +Like magic. I set forth my will with a stated goal and made it happen. My spell was spoken and washed down with liquor. I drank nearly every day from then on out. I spent thousands of dollars on alcohol over the next ten years. I went through more mead phases and more beer phases. I went through a distillation phase. Magic is empowerment through attention to detail. + +> The MEAD principle. Cute. + +I drank hard with the choir, and then I left school and drank hard with the programmers. If there's one thing that most programmers do better than computers, it's drinking, after all. + +I did some work at a bar, even. Just making [their menu](/emb-menu.pdf) and website for them in exchange for free drinks. + +> You mastered LaTeX that way. A very you thing to do. + +I did well at it. I still have one of the menus and some of the paper laying around somewhere. I did that until the bartender left and, when I asked for my next payment from the owner, he flipped out at me and threatened to sue me for impersonating him. I don't think I realized Raffi, the bar manager who hired me, was already on his way out. + +I drank my way out of one job and through a good chunk of another. I drank until I got better at it than I was at software. I drank myself into burnout. I drank until I collapsed. + +> You used up your spell slots. You ran out of will. You had to quit by accident. + +I worked to quit, I'll have you know. It wasn't easy. It took meds and some rough nights. + +> You were less of a person then than you were when you started drinking. The you who started drinking by focusing on **starting drinking** was more real than the you who collapsed in the kitchen from a PNES and stopped drinking because she was completely empty of intention. + +Should I start the daily drinking again, then? + +> You're more of a person now than you were when you started drinking. + +That, coming from you, is a glowing endorsement. + +> You may have been more of a person when you started than when you stopped, but you weren't much of one, even then. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/006.md b/writing/ally/ally/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7b546eaa --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,41 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-10 +weight: 6 +tags: +- brief +- honest +- earnest +categories: +- dad +- mental health +--- + +When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety and abuse and depression really meant, I was convinced I was having semi-regular mental breakdowns. That was the phrase I used then, because I was unsure of what it meant to have a panic attack. + +This was before LiveJournal, of course. This was before I was writing on the internet, or even really on the internet at all. This was before you. + +> No, it wasn't. + +Right. + +When I [ran away](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/blog/running-away/), my dad found my paper journal. I had kept it infrequently, as something about daily journaling to a seventh-grader felt dishonest, stupid. What could I possibly write about? + +In the journal, I mentioned on a few occasions that I'd had a mental breakdown. My dad called me several times over the next few days after my mom found me, and in one of those calls, he yelled at me about that. "Do you really think you're crazy?" he said. "Do you need to be taken to an asylum?" + +I told him no. I whispered it. I murmured it. I wasn't crazy. I didn't need to go to an asylum. I just felt like time stopped for me and the world around me sped up. I just felt like I was holding on by the barest amount of friction on my fingertips. The whorls of my fingerprints providing my only grasp on reality. + +> That was me saying hi. + +Blunt-force greeting? + +> I was quiet as a mouse. + +I have the words now. I have the vocabulary. I can say derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. I can say panic attack and anxiety and depression and hypomania. I can say *ah, __this__ is what is happening now*. + +> You have emotions now, is what you have. Those were your mental breakdowns. + +Dad didn't believe in those. Not for boys. *Mood's a thing for cattle and loveplay*, right? Emotions are for women. + +> He was half-right. + +I suppose he was. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/007.md b/writing/ally/ally/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2c1e59b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-11 +weight: 7 +tags: +- brief +- earnest +- snarky +categories: +- transition +- Matthew +- dead years +- Ship of Theseus +--- + +
+Some explicit stuff about suicide in this one. +
+ +I think of myself as a trans woman, not a woman. I think of past me as male, not female. To an extent, I think of past me as cisgender. I was a guy. I was that gay guy who tumbled out the other side of puberty and was left to figure out what the fuck. I am not who I was. + +> You have ship-of-Theseus'd yourself into what you are. + +I was not Madison. I am not Matthew. I can't deny his existence, though. He was him, and to erase that, to toe the party line and say I've always known that I was Madison, would do a disservice to him. + +He got in all those relationships. He loved so hard it hurt. He dreamed of being held. He struggled with the words. + +He fought. He enacted his cruelty in countless subtle ways. He promised himself he'd be better than his dad and failed more often than not. + +He rode the same crests of hypomania and crashed just as hard after. Once, he tried to schedule his hobbies into his day so thoroughly that he forgot to schedule meals, then, having failed two weeks later, considered shooting himself in the head. Anxiety rode him just as thoroughly. Once, dead convinced that he had meningitis, he wrote a note apologizing to loved ones and left it on the bedstand. + +He was just as mercurial, too. The brewing phase-- + +> Phases. Plural. + +--the gun phase, the photography phase and all its subphases: digital, film, cross-processing, rangefinders. + +> Yeah, he was a prick. + +You said I still am, but a different kind. + +> In all fondness. + +How kind. + +All this to say, I have not always known I was trans. To pretend such would be to erase a real, actual person who tried his best more often than not. + +> Have you answered Theseus' question? + +I don't know. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/008.md b/writing/ally/ally/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..39ab852a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,136 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-11 +weight: 8 +tags: +- questions +- brief +categories: +- ekstasis +- nostalgia +- images +--- + +July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight. + +``` +My emotions are gaining distinct colors, like a kind of twisted synaesthesia. There's definitely a sense of physical location associated with each emotion, and it's not always internal. There may also be a tactile part to this, but I have yet to experience it in any different places or with any different touches, so it may just be one continuous headache that goes latent occasionally. + +An example: when pondering ****, a luminescent fuschia color that seems to be flowing in the right hemisphere of my brain; when thinking of ******* and snuggling, a warm, earthy brown with a little bit of green in a pine-needle-ish pattern about a foot and a half in front of me and slightly to the left; tiredness is off-white everywhere and blind hopelessness is bright blue wrapped around my mind. The headache moves around, but it's mostly at the lower, back, right side of my head. Ibuprofin works well. + +This isn't what I meant when I was talking about beautiful pain. + +Current mood: Bright blue with a tinge of purple, but mostly off white and hazy. +``` + +![Blue](/color/blue_flag.jpg) + +July 3rd, 2004, shortly after midnight. + +``` +Greens covering my chest and shoulders warmly are happiness. +``` + +![Green](/color/green_door.jpg) + +> And that's when I showed up, yes? + +Yeah, later that day. + +``` +The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking? + + Whatever, you're rambling. + +Guilty, conspirator. +``` + +> And these pictures? + +All from years later. The color thing comes and goes, like you. + +April 8, 2004 + +``` +The undersides + off gray + of clouds + drift + while I + on the path + stand + above + where the crow flies + me. +Off + with purple + gray, I + wandering + ponder, should + in a perfect + were there such a thing + world + be a + though the word is plain + color with it's own + to name + as they say + creates + word. +It soothes. +``` + +Sometimes I'm overcome by the numinous. Sometimes it's colors, sometimes it's you, sometimes it's a silence swelling within my chest, stealing breath. + +> He would be riding on the subway or writing formulas on the blackboard or having a meal or (as now) sitting and talking to someone across a table, and it would envelop him like a soundless tsunami. + +That's a post-rock song title. + +> Is it wrong? + +![Orange](/color/orange_eyes.jpg) + +I'll take a picture, lasso a color, and desaturate everything else. Sometimes, it's fun. I do it to Falcon's eyes a lot because they're so pretty. + +> And sometimes it's something more. + +Yeah. Sometimes it's a compulsion. Sometimes a picture will latch onto me and never let me go. Sometimes I'll remove all color. + +![Black and white](/color/bw1.jpg) + +![Black and white](/color/bw2.jpg) + +Sometimes I'll blow out the background because the foreground is so completely overwhelming. + +[![Manifestations](/color/bw3.jpg)](/manifesto-project) + +Sometimes I'll skew colors all in one direction. + +![Stacks](/color/window_view.png) + +It's not an artistic decision. Not *just*, at least. It's always something more. + +
Inter ĝuo kaj timo +Estas loko de tro da signifo. +Apud kompreno, ekster saĝo, +Tamen ĝi tutampleksas. +Mi kompareble malgrandas +Kaj ĝi tro granda estas. +Nekomprenebla +Nekontestebla, +Senmova kaj ĉiam ŝanĝiĝema. + +Between joy and fear +Is a place of too much meaning. +Next to understanding, outside wisdom, +It nonetheless expands. +I'm so small beside it +and it is too big. +Incomprehensible, +Incontestible, +Unmoving and always changing.
+ +A [sigil](https://makyo.github.io/tinysigil/) need not just be [lines and curves](https://makyo.ink/acts-of-intent/). + +> Or maybe it's just mania. + +It may be. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/009.md b/writing/ally/ally/009.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a9cd477c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/009.md @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-11 +weight: 9 +tags: +- demanding +- snarky +- questions +categories: +- mania +- mental health +- meta +--- + +> Tell me about mania. + +No. + +Wait, what? Why are you asking? Weren't you there? + +> I was. I...am? + +I don't think I'm hypomanic now. On my way, perhaps. I can't sleep. + +> I may be, then. Tell me about mania. + +No, tell me why you're asking. + +> I'm more of a liminal creature, myself. It's hard to keep an ally around when depression slowly shuts down avenue after avenue of reaching one. You, as a reflection of me, become distorted while manic. Fun-house mirrors and blind-spots. I want to hear about it. + +No. + +Later. + +I took a sleep aid. I'm not getting into this now. I was all prepped to write about poly stuff, but you started banging on the door. + +Read what I've already written. + +> I was there when you wrote those. + +So? Does that not clarify it? + +> Will anything? + +Likely not. + +I will say, though, that I missed some stuff in my investigation earlier. You did come back for three brief days in November, 2013. It was at a liminal time, but you didn't stick around. + +> I'll remind you that you ignored me for one of those posts. + +Point. + +Let's get into mania later. We owe each other that. For now, bed. And tomorrow, something a little less harrowing. + +> Ah yes. Polyamory. Known for being easy peasy, lemon squeezy. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/010.md b/writing/ally/ally/010.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2fdeb8b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 10 +tags: +- earnest +- demanding +categories: +- mental health +- mania +--- + +The first time I remember thinking about polyamory-- + +> And here I was hoping you'd cave and talk more about mania. + +Why are you so hung up on that? I told you I wouldn't, and you seemed to accept that. + +> 'Seemed to'? 'Accept'? Are those things something like me can do? + +Well, if *I* can... + +> Conceded. No mania, then? + +It's not a comfortable topic. + +> Granted. Tell me why, at least. + +It's not a good feeling. Not from the inside, not from the outside. From the inside I've only caught glimpses of it, even. Glimpses caught through the haze of medication or withdrawal or the mass of ineffable ecstasy comes crashing down upon me. I get all wrapped up in hypomania. Something less. Something just beneath. That thin meniscus between this world and...something else. + +But in others I've watched --- in some cases, been caught up in --- the frenzy as their world slowly slides out of alignment with consensus reality. They turn from... + +> What? + +You got me talking about it. + +> I'm pleased you think so highly of me. + +I *will* talk about it. It's not off the table. I just need something not that for a bit. + +> To poly? + +To poly. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/011.md b/writing/ally/ally/011.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f9860ba7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/011.md @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 11 +tags: +- demanding +categories: +- mania +- mental health +--- + +> Let's talk about mania. + +Fine. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/012.md b/writing/ally/ally/012.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..05bbb561 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/012.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 12 +tags: +- earnest +categories: +- thank you +--- + +> Thank you. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/013.md b/writing/ally/ally/013.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1fc477ed --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/013.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 13 +--- + +Can we talk about something else? Please? + +> Something lighter? + +Something softer. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/014.html b/writing/ally/ally/014.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b89fec13 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/014.html @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 14 +--- + +
+                    ( ... )
+                  O
+                o
+              .
+_____,,,_^..^_,,,_____
+__|____|____|____|____
+____|____|____|____|__
+
+ + diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/015.md b/writing/ally/ally/015.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d1c819e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/015.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 15 +--- + +And so we find ourselves in a place between. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/016.md b/writing/ally/ally/016.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..18659881 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/016.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-22 +weight: 16 +--- + +> Do you feel better, now? + +Not really. Just a different kind of melancholy. + +> Ain't that just the way of things? diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/017.md b/writing/ally/ally/017.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c9003cd3 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/017.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-25 +weight: 17 +--- + +Let's talk about writing. + +> If you'd like. We still have a few others on the list, don't forget. + +Would you let me? + +> Of course not. + +Upwards and inwards. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/018.md b/writing/ally/ally/018.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ce90a7ca --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/018.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-01 +weight: 18 +--- + +> You are unsettled in your identity. +> Boy → enby → girl → trans woman. +> Biochemist → musician → programmer → writer. +> Gay → bi → ace → pan. +> Mono → poly. + +People change. + +> Healthy → sick → broken → sick → improving. + +Like I said, people change. + +> You change like it's your job. + +Is that not a good thing? + +> Will you ever stop coming out? + +I don't know. Must I? + +> No. + +Should I? + +> Should you? diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/019.md b/writing/ally/ally/019.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6a7a9a4d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/019.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-08 +weight: 19 +--- + +The tragic core to all this, to this whole project, is that I am not an interesting person. Or maybe interesting, but unremarkable. + +> You're in a mood. + +*Coming to terms with being a terrible person*, I wrote, but I'm not even that. I'm just a person. + +I'll be the first to admit that I'm largely just a boring person. I know that. There's nothing remarkable about my life. Middle class, middling intelligence, average looks --- at least for a trans girl --- okay sense of humor, no unusual challenges, unless the movement disorders count. + +> So? + +What's this, then? A memoir? What would that accomplish? + +> Validation? I've already mentioned that. + +What would the written account of an ordinary life validate? + +> Sometimes it's worthwhile just hearing that ordinary people living ordinary lives can get by in the world. That despite being trans, despite feeling like garbage sometimes, you can still function. That even the drabbest of makyō still have stories to tell. + +I suppose that's fair. Literary fiction exists separately from genre fiction, as silly a distinction that is to make, because of the validation we find in the unfantastic. + +> Where is this heading? What is the future? What are we leading to? + +In the context of this project, or just life in general? + +> Is there an end? A goal? + +I'm not sure. + +> What will the last page say? + +
[...] Endings were writ on your face, +your hands, and your steps — your very pace +spoke of completion.
+ +> Are you thinking of ending this project? + +Not at all. I've got a list of side quests I need to complete in order to make you happy, and their very nature makes it easy to complete. One or two thousand words, an hour or two's conversation with you, and then they're done and I don't have to pick up where I left off. + +I'm just tired. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/020.md b/writing/ally/ally/020.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..82501015 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/020.md @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-10 +weight: 20 +--- + +> Let me ask this another way, perhaps. Why are we doing this? Why are we talking? Why did you start? + +Let's put a pin in just why exactly you're asking these questions. I'd like to know what the origin after I give you the whys and wherefores. + +> Okay. + +To the question at hand, though, I think I covered that before, right? I started this project in a fit of nostalgia and one of the end results of an unstoppable wave of nostalgia plus a sort of graphomania is the need to write about the past, and to do so in such a way as to invoke the past in the process. + +> I guess I'm trying to decide whether or not to believe you. + +What's not to believe here? I spend page after page digging through old LJ entries, old poetry, old pictures and art and logs-- + +> Let's talk about TS. + +Don't derail me. These are your questions. + +> Point. + +What's not to believe about a project filled to overflowing with nostalgia being borne from nostalgia? + +> I don't doubt the roots in nostalgia, I doubt the intentionality. + +You doubt that I started this on purpose? + +> Did you summon me? Answer truly. + +I don't know. + +> I say that I've always been here, but that's only a part-way truth. That's only half-meaning drizzled over too many words. It's easy enough for someone to say that an abstract concept, a loose portion of someone's personality has always been there. Of course that's the case. Why did you summon **me**, though? Are you in need of an ally? + +I'm surrounded by friends and chosen family, these days. Most of them are my allies. + +> Well, maybe we should disentangle what exactly an ally is before we continue down the path of why you summoned me. + +Okay. I was going to call you my shadow, but that's not exactly right, is it? + +> No. + +You share some similarities, I guess. You have these aspects of myself that are submerged beneath the surface, usually. You see me from a distance. You know everything about me. + +> I do. But by its very definition, I'm not your shadow. Like I told you, I'm not your id. + +And like I told *you*, it was a joke. + +> You'll have to imagine me laughing. + +Right. + +> I'm not your shadow or your id because those are not necessarily things you can see. They are the things that are, by definition, unknown and unknowable by the ego. + +Or at least heavily obscured. Dr Jekyll knew of Mr Hyde. Perhaps you're not my shadow, but maybe the personification of enantiodromia. Perhaps this is my process of assimilation. Perhaps this is me airing my dirty laundry. + +> It's not **not** that. There are enough parts of me that are opposite of you for the similarities to be more than superficial. Enantiodromia carries too many implications of balance and equilibrium, however. That there are parts of me that are opposite of you does not make me the opposite of you. You could not press us together, merge us completely, and wind up with some more complete self. + +Right. You'd have to be the same size as me, and you're not. + +> I don't have a size. + +You'd have to be in the same place as me, and you're not. + +> I don't have a place. + +Right. *You're not person shaped,* I said. *You're the shape of my hands displaced half an inch behind my own, navy blue and trimmed with sea-foam green.* + +> I don't have physicality. I don't have boundaries. + +You are bounded by me. I am your boundaries. + +> Are you? + +Can an ally move beyond a mind? Can allyship --- true, individual allyship --- move beyond the allegiance? + +> You tell me. + +I don't know that I can. + +> I am a liminal creature. I told you that. I'm almost a shadow but miss the mark. I'm near to the concept of a back-stage persona but miss the mark. I get close to being you, but never quite come into focus enough for the outlines to match up. + +Are you not just me? Just a part of me? + +> There is no me without you. + +Is there a me without you? + +> Can you imagine so dull a life? + +You're not that exciting. + +> Not my department. + +Right. + +So an allegiance in the [orthocosmic sense](http://wiki.postfurry.net/wiki/Metacosmology) is a relationship two entities where they help each other. Or at least trust that they can rely on the help of the other at need. It's not contingent upon friendship, as you are so fond of saying, but that's not to say that they're mutually exclusive. + +> I am an endocosmic ally. + +Are you helping me, then? + +> Do you not feel my aid? + +I suppose I do. Sometimes it feels like you're just here to kick my ass. + +> Ass-kicking is well within the bailiwick of an ally. To not kick your ass when you need it would be to fail at being a good ally. + +I've heard that said about friends. A fair-weather friend may leave you to create your own demise, while a true friend will knock some sense into you. + +> True friends are almost always also strong allies. + +But not vice versa. I see that now. You are not my friend. + +> I am not your friend. + +But you are my ally. + +> I am your ally. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/021.md b/writing/ally/ally/021.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..91b22e3d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/021.md @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-10 +weight: 21 +--- + +> When you started this project, several people asked if you were okay. + +Yes. + +> Were you? + +I think so. I was swinging up toward hypomania, and plowing heedlessly through nostalgia. Some of it was good, some of it was bad, but I don't think that had much bearing on me starting the project. + +> Robin asked if you were okay. "I just want to make sure," she said once. "You asked me to check in on you if you ever started talking about geese." + +Perhaps this has a similar feel to it. A similar scent of ritual, a similar flavor of mysticism, a similar sense of some other reality vignetting my vision. + +> lorxus asked if you were okay. "People normally write memoirs at the ends of their lives." + +Life is a series of beginnings and endings dovetailed messily together. + +> There is a final ending, though. + +I don't think I'm near that, despite what passive ideation might tell me. I'm not writing some drawn out farewell. + +> So, why are we talking, you and I? Where is this going? + +We're talking because this project, self indulgent as it is, is leading me to confront and process a lot of different things, which I'd call a net positive. We're talking because how can I know what I think until I say --- or write --- it? We're talking because I've got a lot on my mind. + +This is going nowhere. + +> I don't know whether to be proud or insulted by that. + +Can you feel either? + +> Not my department. The metaphor is still useful. + +Well, fair enough. I didn't mean that idiom, anyway. This is going nowhere because it's a project that needn't have a direction. + +It's not a directed thing. + +It is a river. + +It is the movement of the tides. + +It's guided only by gravity and the lay of the land. + +It is its own *musica universalis*. + +It's a conversation. + +> Conversations have direction. + +Not all of them. + +It's one of those late-night conversations that go where they will, in which sometimes very little is said. + +It is not a minded thing. It has no autonomy and yet has no guiding force. No sapient guiding force, at least. + +It is a way. It is a path, and yet the path is not the walker. + +> This is going nowhere. + +Maybe, but maybe that's the point. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/022.md b/writing/ally/ally/022.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5104e9ae --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/022.md @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-10 +weight: 22 +--- + +My turn. + +> Shoot. + +Why ask this now? Why ask about the core instead of a side quest? + +> I did. I asked about TS. + +Don't deflect. + +> Okay. + +Why ask about the project? Why ask about yourself? + +> You had job interviews. You had the convention. You're visiting Barac. You stopped writing for a bit. + +I started again, didn't I? + +> Yes. Hypomania is fading into the comfortable static of a ground state, though. You're **still** writing. That's why I'm asking. Why are you writing this if you're not hypomanic? + +I wrote a bunch of *Restless Town* when I wasn't hypomanic. + +> Yes. + +I wrote some of *Rum and Coke* when I wasn't hypomanic. + +> It shows, in the last one. + +I've grown as a writer. I've grown as a person. I can continue projects whose inception lay in hypomania. + +> And yet you say that you know a thing is right if you feel the same when depressed as when hypomanic. You can tell a decision is worth making if something other than strange energies birthed it. + +Yes. + +> Did strange energies not birth me? + +I don't know. Maybe. I don't think they birthed this project, though. I think this project is...hmm. + +> An honest one? A true one? A worthwhile one? + +Sort of. + +Maybe I think it's an earnest one. One that was borne out of a real desire, birthed by a need beyond what might be imbued by hypomania. A more grounded need, not one based in those non-Newtonian laws that govern that other space, where mechanics break down and strange energies spring, palladial, into being. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/023.md b/writing/ally/ally/023.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..36cd008b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/023.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-15 +weight: 23 +--- + +Have you gotten that out of your system? + +> Have you? + +I do feel rather wrung out, at least for the time being. I'm sure that burning import will come crashing down on me before too long. + +> I'll be there. + +And until then? + +> I'll be here. + +Of course. + +> Until then, I have questions. + +Ask away. + +> Do not put this analysis paralysis on me. Roll a die. Flip a coin. We've got a list to choose from. Or, perhaps, you should choose something that's actually on your mind. + +You said you have questions. + +> You're the one with questions. Point me toward one, and I will ask it. + +Helpful, as always. + +> Not my department. + +Fine. Weight? Surgery? Dyskinesia? + +> Tell me about the dyskinesia and the tic and the akathesia. Tell me about St. Vitus' Dance. Tell me about the aching necessity of movement. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/024.md b/writing/ally/ally/024.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f37ef4c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/024.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +weight: 24 +--- + +Do you hate me? + +> Not my department. + +Right. + +> Do you hate me? + +I don't know. Sometimes you get kind of mean. Often you're just sarcastic. I know it's not your department, but shouldn't that also mean that you be less pointedly negative? + +> I am a mirror. Do I reflect too sharply? + +Are you? Really? + +> An inexact metaphor. + +I suppose. If you're a mirror, then, at least in some sense, does that mean that I hate me? + +> Name one thing about yourself, one bit of your history, one feeling you have for yourself that is not complex. + +I waver, sometimes, on that stupid phrase, *coming to terms with being a terrible person*. I felt for so long that, when I looked back at myself, at who I was, that I had been someone worth loathing, and it made me wonder that perhaps I was still someone worth loathing. + +> If you hate who you used to be, mightn't that be an indicator that you've become a better person? **Non sum qualis eram**, right? + +That might just be the kindest thing you've said to me. + +> Not my department. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/025.md b/writing/ally/ally/025.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c99a092e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/025.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 25 +--- + +> You were gone. + +I was out of town, yes. Out of town and cramming in as much work as I can during these last few weeks at the Archive. + +> You were gone. Not just from writing, but from home, from ritual, from reality. You were someone else. Your head was elsewhere. + +That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? + +> Are you not a different person at conventions? Are you not a different person when living in a different home with someone else? + +Maybe. I like to think of it as postprocessing. The picture you take is fixed and largely unchanging, but you can process it into different things with different filters. The person I am is fixed and largely unchanging, but some people and some places bring out, say, artsy black-and-whites, while others bring out glossy, oversaturated colors + +> And yet when you were out, you weren't engaging with some parts of your life. Ones you might otherwise consider integral. No for-fun software, no music, no chat, no writing. + +Were you lonely? + +> Not my department. + +I suppose I was. Even at the convention, even seeing two different partners, I was lonely. Or, if it could be said of things rather than people, I was lonely for not having those fulfilling aspects about. I missed writing, I missed you. + +> I wasn't gone. + +I know. It's not even like when we don't talk. You were there. I just wasn't able to engage, and that's an integral part of our relationship. It happens from moment to moment. It is not something that exists in any sense of permanence or stasis. It is defined by movement and momentum. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/026.md b/writing/ally/ally/026.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..55b5d51f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/026.md @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 26 +--- + +Apophenia + +> What? + +Apophenia. Connections. Imaginary lines traced from topic to topic in cheap butcher's twine. + +> And the topics? + +Imaginary. Or real, but only half remembered. I'm spinning a web. + +> Are you catching something? + +You? + +> Are you answering with a question? + +I'm unsure. + +> You're not catching me in that. + +You sound so final. + +> Not my department. + +Right. Is that a fact, then? I'm not catching you in this web. Are you the web? + +> Not my department. + +The spaces between, then. The negative spaces outlined by twine wrapped around pins. There are connections-- + +> Or not. + +--or not, and there are topics, imaginary or not, and then there's you, there, in the place between. You, the liminal creature. You, defined by absence. + +> Presence and absence are not my department, either. + +Are you some cousin to apophenia, then? Some relative to that *unmotivated seeing of connections accompanied by a specific feeling of abnormal meaningfulness*? Are you that numinous, abnormal meaningfulness? + +> I am easier to define in negatives. I am not presence and absence, but between them. Beyond them. Your ally, but not your friend. Real enough to impinge on your reality, but totally imaginary. **Not** here. **Not** doing. **Not** thinking, feeling, acting. + +So, are you? + +> Anything else is just pareidolia. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/027.md b/writing/ally/ally/027.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0d9ce2c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/027.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-25 +weight: 27 +--- + +I'm sorry this is taking so long. + +> To whom are you apologizing? + +You? Or is that not your department? + +> Not really, no. Doubtless, I appreciate --- if that's the right word --- the time we spend together, but only in the sense that one appreciates one's ears popping. The world that exists for me when you're not engaging with me is just the world. A bit muffled, perhaps. I can't hear as well. I hear by speaking, and when I can speak, there's a little pop, and suddenly I can hear much better. + +That's a very embodied-person thing to say. + +> So? Is a metaphor not allowed to use metaphors? + +I suppose so. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/028.md b/writing/ally/ally/028.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a35b18d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/028.md @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 28 +--- + +> Do you ever find yourself getting angry at me? + +Quite often. Why? + +> How does that make you feel? Like, on one layer of remove, how do you feel about getting angry at a fictional side of yourself you talk to over the internet? + +I don't know, honestly. It's gotten to the point over the years that I just kind of accept that there is this part of me that I get upset at, that gets upset at me. There's this part of me that I have to yell at occasionally, and who occasionally yells at me. + +Besides, not friends, remember? + +> Correct. + +So why do you ask this now? + +> I suppose it's come up the last few times we've sat down together. we'll start talking about one thing or another, and I'll nudge you toward talking about something more difficult, and then you'll get all huffy. + +Well, if the things you are pushing me toward are difficult, do you really expect anything other than that? You're pushing me to do painful things to myself, to dredge up deep fears and memories I'd convinced myself I'd buried for good. + +> It is difficult to forget things on command. Dear, also, the tree that was felled taught you that, remember? + +I had honestly forgotten about the dress. Or at least I thought I had. It was a surprise to have it brought up again. + +> See? I'm being useful. + +Is that your department? + +> No, but you can pretend it is if you want. + +I might just. + +So do you try to make me angry? + +> Not my-- + +Department? + +> Not my responsibility. I'm not responsible for your moods. I'm not even technically responsible for pushing you to better yourself. I'm just here to make sure you wind up being a complete person. Entire and whole. + +How does one do that? + +> Every ally does it in a different way. I do it by talking. By asking and poking and prodding. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/029.md b/writing/ally/ally/029.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bf7f4d6e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/029.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-03 +weight: 29 +--- + +> Where did you go? + +I was still here. + +> Were you? + +I was still at my computer. Still writing. I was still here? + +> You'll have to forgive me for saying that I don't quite believe you. + +Why wouldn't you? You're here with me, aren't you? + +> Was I? It was like looking through cling wrap. It was like looking through melted glass. + +What do you mean? + +> Well, you were there. I could see you at your computer. You were there, but it wasn't **you**. There was a Madison-shape sitting with a laptop on the couch, petting the dogs, feeding the cat, listening to music, but it wasn't you. + +I was busy, perhaps. *Restless Town* came out, that stole a lot of my time. + +> When was the last time you filed an invoice at work? + +Two...weeks ago. I think? Damn. Was I really gone that long? + +> Longer. Do you remember what you did the week before that? + +Worked, doubtless. + +> Did you? Have you talked with work about that? + +Ah. + +> Let's talk about burnout, shall we? + +We probably better had. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/030.md b/writing/ally/ally/030.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d42251c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/030.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-17 +weight: 30 +--- + +Does death take more than one form? Can it be anything other than it is? Can it sneak up on you while you aren't looking, and then when next you take a breath, you realize that you are in some afterlife? + +> I suppose it must, given this lead in. + +Have I died? Has some part of me already rotted and sloughed off? Is this, in some very literal way, an afterlife? + +> Do you feel as though, another seven years having passed, you are moving on from the life that you built up? + +Yes. + +> Then I see no reason not to label it as such. + +Perhaps lorxus was right. Perhaps I am writing this at the end of a life. + +> What are you leaving behind? + +I think I'm leaving behind that bit of me who was struggling to live earnestly. + +> Are you not, now? + +No, I think I am. Or, well, I think I am living fairly earnestly. I think what has happened over the last few years is that the struggle changed its shape. + +The Madison who was struggling to come to terms with a post-Matthew life is not me any longer. She spent the last seven years mourning him, in a way. She spent the last seven years figuring out how to live without him, throwing away his stuff, leaving behind family and homes and states. + +> Is this her memoir? Or yours? + +I don't know, honestly. + +All I can say is that, for some reason, at some point while working on this project, I might have died. I have entered a liminal space once again. It's a different one, to be sure, but it's somewhere in between who I was and some undefinable potential self. + +Perhaps some early whiff of this liminality is what got to start this project in the first place, to summon you. Perhaps it was burnout reaching a head that signaled the death of that version of me. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/031.md b/writing/ally/ally/031.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4f1c7cfd --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/031.md @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-17 +weight: 32 +--- + +I've been pulling this all into a book. Like, a physical one. A paperback. + +> I know. + +How do you feel about that? + +> Not my department. + +That feels like an evasion to me. You had opinions on me streaming the process of writing. You had opinions on the process itself: you called me out on writing stuff in commit messages, on having our conversations in comments in the source code. You had opinions on me buying the domain name. Do you have no opinions about our words on something to be bought and sold? + +> A friend once asked Maddy, "Why do you shout into the void?" + +I write all of this down because the very act of putting it into words brings a sense of clarity that I lack without. By taking these moments of my life and articulating them, I almost automatically get another viewpoint on them. + +> And by articulating them as a conversation, you get two. That is not the friend's question. + +No, I suppose it isn't. + +I write for the clarity, but I share out of some perverse need. *The chances that ally will pick up any sizeable audience are slim, so I almost feel like I'm publishing it as an extension of my compulsive need to overshare,* I prophesied. I share because I have to. + +> Does Maddy shout into the void because she must shout into the void? + +Perhaps. Sometimes. + +Sometimes I have to speak so that someone will hear me out of some desire for feeling justified. I need to be heard, to be seen, so that even if I'm going through something alone, others will know that I am doing so. I need to be witnessed. + +> There is power in the word, as you say, but there is also power in the act of speaking it. There is no value-judgment for me or anyone else to make in that. Words have power, speaking has power. + +There is value-judgment in the content, though. + +> Yes. There is value-judgment in intent, as well. That you are publishing these words is not something that I **can** have an opinion about. + +Okay. What about my intent? + +> Your compulsive need to do overshare is an implicit part of our relationship. + +Shall I throw your words in your face? + +> By all means. + +"Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed?" + +> Have you answered the question? **Am** I something to be bought and sold? Me, here, being a part of yourself. + +Since having that conversation, I've released two books, and yes, I suppose you are. *I* am. We are a brand to be built up and marketed, parceled up and sold to any comer. + +"The tragic core to all this," I wrote, "is that I'm not an interesting person." I *am* a writer, though. This will be my fourth book, something I never thought I'd say back in seventh grade, when I discovered I actually rather enjoyed writing those silly five paragraph essays. I never thought that I'd be the type of person to sit down and actually write things. + +Hell, I never thought I'd be the type of person to sit down and actually finish...well, anything. It's the type of thing that continually feels out of reach for me, someone who is up to her neck in stalled projects and who justifies them with phrases like "the process is the art". + +That said, I can't stop. I can't not make more things. I can't not write. If I have to write, and if, implicit in that need to write is a need for my writing to be read, then yes, you are something to be bought and sold. I am. We are. + +> See? Not my department. diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/032.md b/writing/ally/ally/032.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0409bc39 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/032.md @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-17 +weight: 32 +--- + +> My turn. + +Shoot. + +> You said: "you are not the project, but there is no project without you." + +Yes, that applies to us both. + +> You have spoken to your compulsive need to overshare, and you have spoken to the fact that the act of writing and selling a book is, in its own way, the act of selling yourself. **Restless Town** and **Eigengrau** are not so firmly tied to you as this, however. **Rum and Coke** certainly is not. I don't think you could say the same about this. Speak to your ties to this project. + +Do you suspect that it is too personal to sell? + +> You asked my feelings on the matter. + +I'm of two minds on the matter. + +> Har har. + +Thank you. Seriously, though, I can see two different sides of this. + +I feel like I'm putting my maddest edges, as Jon Ronson puts it, on display. In the process of working on this project, I was forced to confront some of the most difficult aspects of my life by its very nature. + +In the process of pulling the book together, I was forced to reread much of what I had written, and there are parts of it where my words burn too hot, or get too slippery to hold. There's a feverish quality to them. It's something that felt good to write purely for the sensation of it bursting forth from me in uncontrollable torrents. + +These maddest edges are something that are integral to the project. You, after all, are one of the, and this project is named after you. + +> Is it mad to have a six month long therapy session with an imaginary interlocutor? + +This is both more and less than that, and you know it. + +> Yes. + +It would be 'mad', I suppose, were I to believe that you were an *actual* interlocutor. It would be 'mad' were I to present these things as a universal worldview. It would be 'mad', awful as that word is, were I anything but deliberate with this project. + +As it is, I summoned you. I started pulling down bits of nostalgia when my I was shutting down my Dreamhost account, when I went to lock my ancient LiveJournal. I got the idea to write, so I did. It was a deliberate effort. + +> Is that mad? + +...huh. + +> A question for another time. Tell me of your two minds. + +Right. + +On the one hand, I read back through all of this and I find myself tasting blood. Who is this Madison? Is she okay? She seems to be having a rough time of things sometimes, and at others she doesn't seem wholly sane, or at least not wholly healthy. That's a scary thing for someone to put on display. What could possibly lead someone to do that? Some strange form of self-flagellation? + +And on the other, while I'm most certainly not wholly healthy, I am, at my core, a storyteller. A young one, and certainly one of uneven quality, but I'm learning and improving by doing. There are stories to be told here, with my life, and that's what I'm doing. I'm making them interesting. I'm embellishing some of them. Hell, I'm making some stuff up wholesale. And I'm doing all of this for the specific purpose of it being read as a story. + +In the end, it's the storyteller that wins out over the concerned, private individual. If I can't *not* overshare, if I must compulsively tell stories, then I'm going to tell the stories I have and I'm going to make them worth reading. + +> A friend once asked Maddy, "Why do you shout carefully constructed, thoroughly edited, well rehearsed speeches into the void?" + +Maddy replied, "It pays the bills." diff --git a/writing/ally/ally/_index.md b/writing/ally/ally/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..54fb1720 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/ally/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +url: / +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/1.md b/writing/ally/aside/1.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..67168790 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/1.md @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 29 +--- + +Is it weird for me to be streaming writing like this? + +> I don't know. Does it feel weird to you? + +I guess. I feel like maybe it's weird to be writing for an audience (even if it's only theoretical). What sort of information can be gleaned from watching someone write in a word-processor? Method? Insight? + +> Entertainment? + +I don't know about that. + +> Validation? + +That's more like it, I suppose. It's a way to prove to others that I actually sit down and write these things. That there's someone there. + +> That there's someone behind a memoir? How novel. + +Well, yes. But that they take time, that they take energy. That it's a process and not a product. + +> Is there some sense of validity that is lacking from simply publishing? Posting? + +I don't know. + +> You set up analytics on this site. And on your writing site. + +I set up analytics on a lot of sites. + +> But these in particular. Do you need to see that others see you? + +I suppose I do. It's important to be recognized. + +> Are you also doing this to get me to leave you alone about heavier topics? + +Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/2.md b/writing/ally/aside/2.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b81ae737 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/2.md @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 33 +--- + +> Are you having fun? + +What? + +> You changed the domain name. + +So? You know I'm addicted to those. + +> It's an identity. + +I suppose so. Kinda like a brand. + +> I'm not sure how I feel about that. + +What, being a brand? + +> Yes. Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed? + +Of course you are. + +> Of course you are. + +I'm not sure how I feel about that. + +> It's an identity. + +Yeah. + +> You removed your name from the domain. You removed your identity. You made it about me. + +You are not the project, but there is no project without you. Is that wrong? + +> It's not **not** wrong. Besides, `.id`? I am not your id. + +Okay, *that* bit was fun. + +> Har har. + +Why so cross? + +> Not my department. + +Fine. + +> You're the one that's torn. + +I suppose so. + +> Why? + +It has to do with subdomains, I think. It has to do with the implication that a domain like `ally.id` imposes more meaning on a project than something like `ally.drab-makyo.com`. It gives it more weight. It elevates it to the status of top-level project, something more than just *Maddy's writing*. + +> It elevates it to the level of brand. + +Yeah, I suppose that's why I'm torn. + +> But you'll keep it? + +For now. diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/3.html b/writing/ally/aside/3.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..93c97976 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/3.html @@ -0,0 +1,177 @@ +--- +type: single +pulse_light: true +--- + + + +
I'm sorry, but JavaScript is required for this :/
+
And so we come to a place between.
+ + + diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/3tw/index.html b/writing/ally/aside/3tw/index.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d3cc5306 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/3tw/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,172 @@ + + + + +confusion + + + + + + + + + + + + + + diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/_index.md b/writing/ally/aside/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4b21cdcc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +--- +type: single +--- + +A few asides... diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/dreams/1.md b/writing/ally/aside/dreams/1.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..26984580 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/dreams/1.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-21 +type: single +back: /jay/3 +--- + +[![A dream](/dreams/1.png)](/dreams/1.png) diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/dreams/2.md b/writing/ally/aside/dreams/2.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..921e14b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/dreams/2.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-21 +type: single +back: /poet-and-mystic/8 +--- + +[![A dream](/dreams/2.png)](/dreams/2.png) diff --git a/writing/ally/aside/dreams/3.md b/writing/ally/aside/dreams/3.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..02a54bd8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/aside/dreams/3.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-21 +type: single +--- + +[![A dream](/dreams/3.png)](/dreams/3.png) diff --git a/writing/ally/birds/01.md b/writing/ally/birds/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3f16aa4f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/birds/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,140 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 1 +--- + +*December 29, 2013:* + +First of all, let me state that I'm feeling pretty good as I write this. I feel +the need to state such because a lot of my tweets and a lot of my previous +entries could be construed as worrisome, and probably legitimately so, because I +have the tendency to vent freely. If I feel bad, I write, and if I'm not at a +computer, sometimes that ends up on Twitter. It's never my goal to freak anyone +out, so much as to simply cope with what's going on. Writing, putting things in +words and stringing those words together into some form meaningful to others, is +a good way for me to cope with what's happening in my life. That said, although +I try to be frank about symptoms, I know that some are disturbing taken at face +value or to their logical extremes, so I promise: I'm feeling pretty good now! + +I'm torn. + +I feel as though one of the most important things in my life is ritual, process, +or repetition. It's not so much that these things are comforting in isolation, +as that there is a certain feeling of being tethered to reality in them that +comforts in its own way. + +I've been asked what I mean by reality, or what I mean when I say "that makes me +feel real" or "it's important to me that I feel real". A lot of my response +must, by necessity, rely on analogy, by its very surreality - there's no way I +can describe how I feel without using metaphors and similes. + +In short, it's part of life that we sort of perceive the world around us as a +spatial, temporal thing. There are three axes of movement, one axis of time +(though sometimes it gets a little twisted up), and that's just sort of how we +interface with much of the world. The feeling of surreality, then, is a +pulling away on some fifth dimension, a cocooning, a means by which one has or +has been made to withdraw from the rest of reality. From the inside, it feels +like being wrapped up in cotton. Senses aren't dulled, as that might imply, so +much as that all connections through reality, all input must pass through a +high-latency barrier that introduces its own artifacts, requires its own +decoding. Again, it's not that I can't *hear*, it's that the words that are +coming in must be run through an additional filter to associate them first with +meanings, and then to tie them back through the perception of reality (the rest +of which must, of course, go through its own decoding process). + +This surreality is, of course, nothing more than anxiety. I talk often in terms +of bandwidth, and that's rather applicable here. If I am spending all of my +emotional and intellectual energy on cycling over counterfactual universes that +I've constructed in my consciousness, then I have little energy left to deal +with the one I'm actually living in. My doctor insists, and I heartily agree, +that I not think of this as anything other than anxiety and panic, which I'll +get to in a moment. + +I said that I'm torn above because the result of this is a desire to get back to +reality. The problem is that the anxiety gets in the way quite a bit. I think, +"There must be a way back to clarity and reality, there has to be some sort of +path or action I can take." That, too, is anxiety, but it's as yet too subtle +to recognize as such unless I'm holding still and doing very little else (which +is hardly productive). + +As a result, a lot of my day-to-day life is spent focusing on the idea of +ritual. Ritual is the one thing that my mind has latched onto as some sort of +way through or way out, and I think it plays a large role in the events of my +past, though I was less conscious of it at the time - such is life, when it +comes to any sort of personal advancement. I ritually check the stove to make +sure it's off. I check the doors and windows. I get up once a night and check +on JD and the two pups to make sure they're inside (just in case Falcon has +rappelled out the window and is terrorizing the neighborhood - seriously). + +It's not just checking that drives me, though. Anyone who has been to my house +knows that it's not cleaning, of course, but, well, it all comes back to the +audible aberrations that I'd mentioned before. + +For a few months now, I've been 'hearing' voices, but I'm always careful to +mention that they're not audible hallucinations. They're not. They're what's +called expansion: the inner dialog that goes on in our brains as we go about +life is usually one that takes place in abstract images. In this case, however, +that has broken down into something more simplistic, as though I'm telling +myself a story. The voices have character and gender (though they're usually +boring), and hover *just* below the level of hearing, something closer to +remembering that I had *just heard* someone say something. + +It's fantastically hard for me to write about this in any sort of open way. I +want to hide it. It's fucking ridiculous. I hate it, and I want it gone, and +it's embarrassing. Embarrassment is, however, a primarily social reaction, and +a harmful one in this case (after all, this is a health problem). That is, more +than I want to hide all of this, I want to tell that embarrassment to get fucked +and talk openly and freely about all this, because it's even *more* ridiculous +that I feel I can't. + +Anyway, as I listened to someone drone on tonight about how I should cut my hair +off, how it would hurt in just the right way, how that would be my penance, and +that would be just what I needed to gain touch with reality again, I think I +finally understood the tie to ritual. This was all I had to do. In fact, this +was all these stupid aberrations were ever 'urging' me to do. It was this sense +of ritual become words. When I feel as though I'm instructed to tease apart my +skin like burlap cloth with a knife-point, to solve a cramp or a gas-pain with +violence, to kill myself before an upcoming trip to London, that's not just an +expansion of some random, totally out there thought, that's the feeling of +ritual, the "there must be something I can do to stop this panic" sense expanded +from an abstract concept back into language. + +I've been shifting wildly along the spectrum of following these rituals to the +letter to outright ignoring them. As I said, I feel good: I'm not going to kill +myself before London or stab myself with a syringe to ease gas-pains. However, +I'm still getting up to check on the windows and doors and stove and dogs. In +the middle, I've taken to trying to subvert the desire for ritual with other +rituals: rather than tease apart my skin like lose-woven cloth with the tip of a +knife, I use a pen and just kind of draw on myself. It offers enough catharsis +for me to get to the point to realize that it's actually really, really +ludicrous; that I'm drawing symbols or lines of the utmost importance on my +limbs with a pen pilfered from my bank. That's usually enough to break through +the panicked ritual and leave me just feeling silly (which is, while +uncomfortable, still a million times better than that inner tension that +required the ritual in the first place). + +Ritual is a salve. It's an ice cube held against a burn. It's something that +provides instant relief, but only so long as it's present. I can't *solve* any +of these problems by acting out a ritual. Checking on the dogs does not +ultimately leave me satisfied that they're all comfortably asleep, because then +I need to make sure the windows and doors are shut to ensure that they don't +float away. That done, I need to check the stove to make sure that it's off, +because if it's on and the windows are shut, how will we escape when the house +burns down? + +You see, there's no solution. There's no ritual to make me feel good, or real, +or better, or not-anxious. There's only anxiety, and coping, and panic, and +sleep. There's reality, and that's where I dwell, and then there's my +perception of reality, which drifts rather more than perhaps it ought. Cutting +my hair wouldn't hurt - it's hair, for Pete's sake - and it would not be the +penance I need, the right amount of pain to bring me back to reality. It's +hair! I know that. That's the case I argue to the voice demanding such. +That's what makes it panic, and not psychosis: ultimately, there **is no break +from reality**. There's none. I know these aberrations aren't real; I know the +dogs aren't going to go carousing out the windows; I know, for sure, that +cutting my hair is not going to stop any of this. I know it. The voices are a +nuisance, the panic is a problem, but it doesn't control me. There is *no* +ritual that will solve anything: the ritual is a symptom. It's important, yes; +I live my life by process. But it's a symptom. + +That's why I'm torn. diff --git a/writing/ally/birds/02.md b/writing/ally/birds/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8b9ff5d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/birds/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 2 +--- + +*February 13, 2014:* + +
I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt, and perhaps it says, "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again." + +- Lewis Carroll
+ +I've mentioned ritual before, but I think that's tied into the larger feeing of portentousness. Ritual is one way to sate that sense of intense meaning surrounding an act or an object. + +

A goose is dumb. A thousand geese darkening the horizon is a portent. Mindless honking, individually directionless, collectively unstoppable

— Makyo (@drab_makyo) February 12, 2014
+ +Any little thing can carry meaning for one person far outweighing what it might mean to others. Something about flocks of geese terrifies me. It's not a logical fear, it's a sense of foreboding. It's not the geese themselves, it's the concept of geese, the lack of any ritual to solve the problem of geese. + +

A goose is tasty. Geese taste like horror. Acrid tang of ill omens *froth*

— Makyo (@drab_makyo) February 12, 2014
+ +It's dumb. Geese are dumb. There's no reason I should feel any sort of emotion at all surrounding geese, but I do. + +

Why are geese so portentous? Why do they cause anxiety? Did I take my meds this morning?

— Makyo (@drab_makyo) February 12, 2014
+ +Ritual is like that. There is some level of meaning that's inexpressible except if you can find a way to come at it from the side. Use words like 'portent'. Describe it as an odor, a sense, a mystery. Ritual and sensation are wily and wary critters that want nothing less than to be identified, pointed out, made plain. You're supposed to just go along with the ritual and accept the portentous as fact. diff --git a/writing/ally/birds/03.md b/writing/ally/birds/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e69f1b1e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/birds/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 3 +--- + +[![1](/bird/1.jpg)](/bird/1.jpg) + +``` +Is this a thing for Imgur? Most certainly not! It's perfect for shouting into a vasty nothingness, though. It's just One Of Those Things. I'd say votes don't matter, since they don't, but Lord knows I'll be back to check on this at some point. If nothing else, maybe folks with similar experiences will have info, hopes, and thoughts to add. +``` + +[![1](/bird/2.jpg)](/bird/2.jpg) + +``` +This, er...human hygiene infopamphlet strongly evokes the sensation of the destabilization that comes along with going off of antipsychotics (see: http://imgur.com/a/vtulA ). There’s a certain type of magical, ritualistic thinking that comes with the (near-)psychosis of withdrawal. The kind that comes on you like a compulsion, or like your gag reflex being triggered, and makes you feel like your skin no longer fits. +``` + +[![1](/bird/3.jpg)](/bird/3.jpg) + +``` +For me, it’s frequently about birds. For a long while, it was geese. A goose is dumb. A thousand geese darkening the horizon is a portent. Mindless honking, individually directionless, collectively unstoppable. A goose is tasty. Geese taste like horror. Acrid tang of ill omens. Or so it felt at the time. + +Then it was owls. It was my duty to think about owls, to encourage others to think about owls. In and of themselves, owls are alright, kind of a take-it-or-leave-it bird, but one must think about them, because the consequences of not thinking about them are beyond imagining. Or so it felt at the time. + +And for a bit, it was incantations. “Get fucked,” I’d tell the clouds. I’d tell my thoughts to get fucked, I’d tell sleep to get fucked, I’d tell the tic to get fucked. I had to. I couldn’t not. Or so it felt at the time. +``` + +[![1](/bird/4.jpg)](/bird/4.jpg) + +``` +Birds and incantations, it turns out, are common in magical thinking and intrusive thoughts, as well as grids, parallel lines, and food. The comic is a prime example of that. There are aspects of OCD, sure, but it’s beyond just the obsessions and the compulsions, it’s the way that that is expressed in ritual and dire need, the fact that one cannot bear the consequences of NOT performing the ritual. There’s nothing wrong with ritual or magical thinking, nor even birds, incantations, grids, or food. The problem lies in when those are forced on you by your hindbrain until you’re sick. +``` + +[![1](/bird/5.jpg)](/bird/5.jpg) + +``` +A friend calls it ‘bruise vision’, and while I can’t explain why, that’s 100% accurate. +``` + +[![1](/bird/6.jpg)](/bird/6.jpg) + +``` +I couldn't create this sort of thing, so I'm glad that someone did for me. Here's the original source: http://adactivity.tumblr.com/post/73552347250/here-are-the-raw-images-which-make-up-the-eat-no - support artists doing neat things! And take care of yourselves :) +``` diff --git a/writing/ally/birds/04.md b/writing/ally/birds/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9db03681 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/birds/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 4 +--- + +[![Geese](/bird/geese.jpg)](/bird/geese.jpg) diff --git a/writing/ally/birds/05.md b/writing/ally/birds/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4d487953 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/birds/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,196 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 5 +--- + + + +
+
+

I

+

Geese Level:
+ Unnerving

+

Expect:
+ Anxiety

+
+
+A hundred geese overhead — + A thousand — + A million — + +Heady scent of premonition. +Acrid tang of ill omens. +Portents. +Too much meaning + In too small a space. +
+
+ +
+
+

II

+

Geese Level:
+ Noise-Cancelling Headphones

+

Expect:
+ auditory aberrations

+
+
+Geese are a byproduct of laminar shear stress + Of two layers of phantasmagorical + Newtonian fluids, + Which is why they’re often seen on a plane. +A thin, sort-of Truth + From a sort of thin layer + geese chromatography. +
+
+ +
+
+

III

+

Geese Level:
+ Eldrich

+

Expect:
+ red tint to vision; hot flashes

+
+
+As the dove bears the olive branch, + so too the goose bears the wand + that withers all it touches. +A wand of nightshade, + Core of tainted silver. +A wand of obscure origin, + The goose surely stole it. +Malice begets malice. +
+
+ +
+
+

IV

+

Geese Level:
+ Beyond Comprehension

+

Expect:
+ confusion; nausea; sweating; racing pulse

+
+
+We know not the transgression, + the origin - +We know not the punishment, + only the terror. +
+
+ +
+
+

V

+

Geese Level:
+ Excruciating

+

Expect:
+ pounding heart; tunnel vision; racing thoughts; black outs; +blood pouring from ears

+
+
+Geas + Wing + Dark + Horizon +
+
+ +
+
+

VI

+

Geese Level:
+ Terrifying

+

Expect:
+ tinnitus; piloerection; shortness of breath; uneven gait

+
+
+I’d rather owls. +Owls, as though geese were turned inside out, + made less evil. +Still portentous, + Still momentous, + Just less terrifying. +Owls are okay. +I can think about owls. +
+
+ +
+
+

VII

+

Geese Level:
+ Uncomfortable

+

Expect:
+ subdermal itching; formication

+
+
+Life within a comfortable grid. +Parallel lines + Interrupting narrowing circles + Of birds in flight. +Travel in straight lines. +Turn at right angles. +Trace the roof of your mouth + With wet tongue. + +I’m not afraid of geese anymore + Because I can step on them now. +I’m big enough. +
+
+ +
+
+

VIII

+

Geese Level:
+ Birds

+

Expect:
+ birds

+
+
+Ritual thinking + Driven by geese — + By lines, by grids, by food — + By numbers and neat delineation. +And I’m left with questions: + Why the portents? + Why the anxiety? +Or maybe: + Did I take my meds this morning? + +Failing that, + Can I just have the comfort of prayer + Or the ecstasy of signs + Without bleak paranoia + Over circling birds? +
+
diff --git a/writing/ally/birds/_index.md b/writing/ally/birds/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1da3e009 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/birds/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /9 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/book.md b/writing/ally/book.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..10253e28 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/book.md @@ -0,0 +1,86 @@ +--- +--- + + + +

+ +Pre-order paperback +  + +Pre-order PDF ebook

+ +> We don't experience memory in linear fashion, nor even in a strictly coherent one. It's peppered with tangents and strange loops. It's multithreaded. It's not always made up of words. Why should a memoir strive to strip memory completely of this context? + +ally is an ergodic, arborescent, semiautobiographical work about identity, mental health, spirituality, and the mutability of the past. A lot of the information contained within is real, some of it isn’t. Each page is structured as a conversation between myself and my ally, a mirror reflection of myself. + +Based off the interactive project at [ally.id](https://ally.id), this book explores different facets of my life — some true, some embellished, some wholly fictitious — in a non-linear, ergodic fashion, using color, page-layout, and mixed-media to create a book more experience than memoir. + +## Buying + +The paperback is now available for [pre-order](https://gum.co/ally-paperback). All copies ordered direct are signed. You can also pre-order from Amazon or Barnes & Noble + +You can also [pre-order](https://gum.co/rvof) the PDF ebook. I have yet to figure out how to sign those. Sorry. + +## Content warning + +Several sections focus on suicide, self-harm, rape, sexual content, and poor mental health. + +## Advance praise + +"Cleareyed yet powerfully immediate . . . A fresh, daring exploration of lived experience." + +> — [Kirkus Reviews](https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/madison-scott-clary/allyC/) + +"I felt I was chasing down fractions of the author's soul. Chasing them not because I got this to read and review, but because I deeply wanted to. So I could put them together and solve an ultimate puzzle whose picture would contain some incompre-hensible beauty." + +> — [Linnea Capps](https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3236700737?book_show_action=true) + +
+Rate on Goodreads! +
+ +## Paperback gallery + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +## PDF gallery + + + + + + +> Have you been at your Maddy-est about it? + +![](/book/book5.png) + +Of course. + +----- + +* ISBN: 9781948743150 diff --git a/writing/ally/burnout/01.md b/writing/ally/burnout/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..590c5af1 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/burnout/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-03 +weight: 1 +--- + +How did I get here? + +> How did you get where? + +How did I get here? How did I get to the point where I loathe my job? How did I get to the point where I loathe my life, but mostly only when I'm working? + +> Start from the beginning. + +Which beginning? + +> Madison's beginning. For this, I don't think you need to go any further back for any reason other than to confirm what you already know. Or perhaps just a bit before. Start with the insurance company. + +What, working with Kevin? + +> Yes. Start from there. + +In 2011, I graduated --- or, well, left --- university and jumped straight into a job doing software for a subsidiary of a subsidiary of a company that made software for health insurance companies. I had a whole weekend off. + +It was thrilling, in a away, to be seen as competent at something. It was nice to be able to drive to an office, sit down at a computer, type away for a few hours, drive home, and then see money in my bank account after the fact, knowing that I had done something that was useful. + +> Were you not doing anything useful before? You were working, you were at school. You were getting paid. + +I was. But even when I looked at that money in my bank account, I couldn't then count it out and say, "Ah, yes, this was earned creating something." Work was spent living on the edge of failure, trying to push it back just one step further. That's the curse of IT. + +> And school? You were creating something there. + +And paying a pretty penny for the privilege to do so. + +> Right. + +But this was something new, I was given a list of things that they wanted to be able to do and given basically total freedom to pull that off. I was put in front of their raw materials and, when I showed them progressively more and more refined creations, they all stood back and applauded, and I could bow and say that I had created something for them. + +> And then? + +And then...well, I don't know. And then the tasks got smaller and smaller, and the clients grumpier and grumpier about more and more inconsequential things. They needed twice as many new features done in half the time and could we work the weekends? After all, they had their QA people sleeping in the office in cots in the bathrooms. Shouldn't we do the same? + +At some point that must have changed, but it all changed so gradually as to not be noticeable. + +> And then you started to see how capitalism worked, perhaps? That you weren't doing this because it was fun or because you were good at it, even if it was and you might have been, but because you had to. + +I think that may be getting a bit ahead of the game, but in a way, I suppose so. I started to see that it was very easy to use up all of one's spell slots. I started to see just what purpose free time had in one's life. I started to talk about work-life balance and to schedule vacation time that wasn't simply holidays and to dream about the office. diff --git a/writing/ally/burnout/02.md b/writing/ally/burnout/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f0771291 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/burnout/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-03 +weight: 2 +--- + +> At what point would you say you burned out? + +That's one of those surprisingly difficult questions. I can't point to a day or week when things went bad, nor even a month. At some point, I just looked around me, at my office and my coworkers and my job and said, "I hate all of this." + +> When did you notice it, then? + +Does "when I tried to kill myself" count? + +> Not my department. + +I spent a lot of time trying to fix it. I spent a lot of time changing little bits about my day or my desk or my tasks, and there was just not much that could put a dent into that mixture of loathing and anxiety that surrounded my day. + +> And eventually, you just dumped the whole thing in favor of something else. + +Yes. + +> Did it work? + +Oh, definitely. I jumped at the opportunity to stop working for an insurance company that just happened to need some software and to start working for a software company with a name that folks knew making products that I believed in. + +Moving to Canonical came on such a whim, too. I met up with John Wright --- such a nice man --- at Mayor of Old Town and we talked over pints about the good and the bad of our respective jobs. + +"I've been thinking about applying at Canonical," he said, twisting his glass between his hands. "I'm not unhappy at where I am, I'm just...not happy either." + +I nodded, and made silent note to check out their postings later that night. + +> Did you wind up stealing John's idea? + +Oh, totally. I apologized to him after the fact, too, for taking his idea and actually winding up with the job. He laughed and said that he didn't think he'd be able to work from home anyway. + +> Whereas that saved you. + +Yes. + +In a way. + +For a while. diff --git a/writing/ally/burnout/03.md b/writing/ally/burnout/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..73870b99 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/burnout/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-03 +weight: 3 +--- + +I could very easily get into talking about the ins and outs of working at Canonical and in software, but I don't think that's the point. + +> No, it's not. + +No. The point is that, slowly, quietly, without me even noticing, I started hating what I do for a living. It snuck up on me once more. I once more found myself in a paralyzing mixture of anxiety and dread and anger. Every minute spent in front of my editor was spent filled with anger and frustration at not being able to work, and every minute spent away from it was spent dreading the next time I'd have to go back, fretting over how little I had gotten done. + +I spent day after day on branches that should have been small and yet somehow, inexplicably, seemed insurmountable. Coworkers and bosses got upset at me. I did all I could to keep interested and invested in the company. + +> Even as you drifted your separate ways? Canonical stopped doing things that were relevant to you before you even moved to Seattle. They started focusing on things you didn't believe in. They laid off dozens of your coworkers. They started courting Microsoft. + +Sure, I suppose. There's no doubt that Canonical was changing. They were certainly not blameless in me losing my interest and investment in them. + +> And from what JC says, you would hate them now. + +I would, yes. + +> And yet here you speak only of yourself. Only of your failures. + +Is this not a selfish project? I think that it's fair to just talk about how I feel when I talk about burnout. + +> Burnout does not happen in a vacuum. + +I hardly believe that the things that Canonical was doing were so new as to be causing my burnout. They were doing as tech companies do. They were doing everything they could to maintain the same amount of velocity they had at the beginnings of projects later on. They were trying to change with the times while remaining exactly the same. + +Perhaps it was just the honeymoon period finally coming to an end. diff --git a/writing/ally/burnout/04.md b/writing/ally/burnout/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7780bb5d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/burnout/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,68 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-14 +weight: 4 +--- + +> The third time was not the charm. + +No, it was not. Canonical stopped doing something I believed in, so I switched to a company --- Internet Archive --- that *was* doing something that I believed in, but the process was crap. Now, here I am at a company that's got a great process and is doing something that I really believe in it, and... + +> And you hate it. + +I hate my career. I don't hate my company. I love them. They're great people doing great things and doing them well. I just can't stand programming anymore. + +> I don't believe you. + +You don't? + +> I don't. You, who have at least two open programming projects you poke at with some regularity. + +I suppose I do, yeah. + +> So what do you hate, if you don't hate programming? + +It's not work. I don't hate working. + +It's not programming, you're right there. I still love the idea of making something that does what I tell it. + +It's not computers, even if I'm a bit ambivalent on them. + +It's...well, I definitely hate devops. + +> Why? + +It feels...messy. It feels like I'm doing all I can to drag these ephemeral things into line, and none of them want to do it. It feels like all these people have grandiose ideas about what goes into running a system, and none of them agree with each other, and all we can do is to pick the least-bad one. + +It destroys this idea that computers are a thing that you can ask to do something, and they can do it. There are more non-deterministic bugs in devops than in any other area of dealing with computers than I've experienced. + +It makes me want to take up Haskell. + +> All very sensible. + +If such a thing can be said of it. + +> Is that why you're burnt out, then? + +No. + +> Then why? + +I don't know. + +Perhaps I'm only good for seven years at a time, like I said. + +> Did you burn out on music? + +I would say that I was burnt, but I placed that on the performers at my recital. + +> Had your recital gone perfectly, would you still have felt burned out, though? + +Perhaps. + +> Would you still have gone into computers? + +Definitely. + +> Would you still be composing? + +I don't know. diff --git a/writing/ally/burnout/_index.md b/writing/ally/burnout/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4d80ce22 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/burnout/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /29 +background: "#ffffff" +color: "#444444" +quote: "#666666" +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/chronology/_index.md b/writing/ally/chronology/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c2a8de6f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/chronology/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +--- +type: chronological +--- + +
Viewing in chronological order
diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/001.md b/writing/ally/dad/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cb2bc48d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,76 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 1 +--- + +
Self harm
+ +It's not about the dress. + +It's about that whole point in my life. It's about the way home ways. It's about the way I was left to my own devices. Every kid's dream, right? + +I had no father. I had the angry, drunken man who lived upstairs. I have the man who woke me in the morning to drive me to school, who clearly showed up at some point during the night. I had this unpredictable animal living in the house that I had to please, and there were no rules for what would or wouldn't please him. + +I was left to my own devices and there was always something that I needed to be doing and doing correctly, and I was never sure what it was. Do good in school, sure. Grow up to become an imortant engineer of some kind, sure. The details in between, though, were hazy. + +> The rules are made up and you're always in trouble. + +Or about to be, yes. + +> You know now that he was flailing at life as much as you are now. + +I do. + +> You know now that he was actually in quite a bit of pain. + +Yes. + +I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time. + +I know that if I went with, I'd spent countless hours meandering between the corner booth in the bar and the Pac-Man and Millipede cabinets up front. + +> The owners of the restaurant would dote on you. They would give you free kitsch from the glass case by the register. Little sticky-backed calenders with tear-off months and pens to draw on the backs of the pages. They'd let you pick out the licorice breathmints from the brass bowl by the register, the ones shaped like chalky pillows. They'd let you play hide-and-seek with Kevin, the other kid being raised in the bar by a drunken father. + +I know that he and Julie had bowling league on Saturdays and I was left home alone. + +I know that if I went with, I'd be fed quarters in a steady stream to spend time in the arcade room or on the little toy vending machines. + +> You would buy the little plastic snakes made from links that would let you bend them into squares and cubes. You would drink coke after coke. You would wonder how they managed to oil the lanes so perfectly up to the foul line and no further, and when you saw the machine that did so, you were entranced by its single-minded, track-bound life. You watched him sing Devo's **I'm Too Sexy** for karaoke, mincing about on the stage and producing gales of laughter in his parody of what he knew of gay culture. You were just starting to think of yourself that way. + +It was a spear through my heart. + +> Tell me about the dress. + +Left to my own devices, I prowled the house. + +I stole a beer. I stole some Kahlua. I stole a little bit of brandy, but I hated it. I stole some of his pot. I stole a condom. + +> He was so angry about that. He grilled you and you denied it. + +I realize, later, that the reason he was so angry was because, if I didn't steal it, it would've meant that Julie was cheating on him. + +> Tell me about the dress. + +I stole a paring knife and obsessively sharpened it. I cut at my wrists until, confronted with the realization that I would be asked about it, I stopped and cut on my big toes instead. + +> You told your friend, Julene. She had no idea what to do, confronted with such information. You were eleven. + +What does one say to being told that your friend is self-harming? I would never tell anyone about self harm again, I promised myself. + +> Tell me about the dress. + +I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay. + +> You told your friends confidently in third grade that lesbians were just women who wanted to be men and that gay men were just men who wanted to be women. + +Matthew said those things, but he had been dying since birth. + +> Tell me about the dress. + +I tried on Julie's clothes with a mixture of guilt and shame. It was titillating and humiliating. It was transgressive. At some point, I figured that, the ontology of being gay aside, I had better get used to wearing such, as that's just what gay men did. + +> Your anger is cooling down. + +Yeah, it is. I can't tell if it's you shifting it away from my dad and onto the dress, or if it's just getting the words out there that's helping so much. + +> Dig deeper. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/002.md b/writing/ally/dad/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a76797e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 2 +--- + +The thing I like to say about my dad is that he didn't really want a son, he wanted a buddy. He wanted someone he could be smart with, or, failing that, be smart at. He wanted someone he could chill with and, at the end of the day, go home. + +> He wanted someone he could drink with. Someone he could take to the bar. + +Yes. He seemed fundamentally uncomfortable with the fact that I was his offspring. + +It wasn't an always thing, of course. There were a few times we really connected. + +> Yes. + +One time, we taped up glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling and walls to make my bedroom into a night sky when the lights were out. + +> Yes. + +One time, when driving you to school on a snowy morning, there was an accident far ahead and traffic was stopped on Highway 93, and I had to pee so bad, he had me just step out of the car and pee, blocked off by the door with my back to the car behind me. Traffic started moving then and I had to walk awkwardly to finish peeing before I could hop back inside the moving truck. We laughed. On days we knew we'd be late because of weather, we'd grab french toast sticks from Burger King. + +> Yes. + +One time, we lay on our backs on a beach at Lake Powell and stared up at the real night sky and talked about the satelites that went overhead. We would try to guess, based on how fast they moved, whether we were seeing the same ones again later. He talked of his sisters, Patty and Sue, and how they were doing. He talked of his brother, Joe. He told me Joe was the trouble kid, how he got caught on PCP once and when grandma brought him home from the police station, he missed the door to the house entirely and walked into the door jamb and fell down laughing. Grandma kicked at him, cursing up a storm. He told me about his dad, blowing up an inner tube and floating out into the middle of the pond with a six pack or a bottle of liquor and drinking as he looked up at these very same stars, floating on his back. About how sometimes, his dad would fall asleep out there and grandma would have to throw rocks at him to wake him up the next morning so he could paddle back ashore and get to work. + +> One time, after you switched majors from biochem to music education, you went skiing with him, but had an upset stomach, so you stopped to buy some Alka-Seltzer tablets. You asked what kept them from fizzing until they were dropped in water, and he started to explain about buffers, then cut himself short and said coldly, "But you won't learn about that, now. I don't expect you really want to know." He had you ski alone the rest of the afternoon. + +Yes. + +> One time, you told your best friend in the area, Joseph, that you had rode your bike to the mall, Villa Italia, God rest its weary soul, and bought magic cards. He mentioned that while out with you and your dad, and your dad fell behind a few steps and kicked you. You rode home in silence. Joseph refused to ride with you again. + +Yes. + +> One time, you kissed him on the cheek after he hugged you good night and he laughed in your face. "You thought I was your mom, didn't you?" he said, then got up and left the room, shutting the door behind him. You thought, years later, decades later, that he really meant to say, "You thought I was your parent, didn't you? Best buds don't kiss." You never kissed him again, and he never kissed you at all. + +Yes. + +> When teaching you to read with the book Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss, he jokingly warned you never to actually hop on him or he'd kick you from one side of the house over the roof to the other, and then back again. Joking, of course, but you were already so terrified of him you believed every word. + +He said the same during our one talk on sex. That if I ever got a girl pregnant and didn't use a condom, he'd do it five times and then leave me on my own to be a dad. + +He raised me, but the definition of 'raise' here is a very elastic one. + +> Dig deeper. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/003.md b/writing/ally/dad/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..55514d75 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,105 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 3 +--- + +The one thing we did together that we both seemed to earnestly enjoy was skiing. + +> There were other things you enjoyed. + +Together? + +> Reading, perhaps? + +He tried to get me to read *Flowers for Algernon*, but I wound up skimming parts, enough to keep him happy when he asked me about them, all while reading the copy of *Mossflower* I'd hidden down the back of the couch. The closest we got was reading *The Dark Tower*. + +> Catch? + +One-sided and short-lived. We played a few times. Then, after telling me to "get under" a fly ball, it hit me square on the forehead and he laughed, telling me I was supposed to get my glove up, too. We never played again. + +> The dogs? + +
Dad used to punish the dogs + by locking then in the basement. +If he was really mad, + he'd toss then down the stairs by the scruff.
+ +> School? Math? Computers? Being smart? + +Listen. + +You have to understand that there were only two valid emotions for my dad: pride and anger. Being good at computers and math was not something that was enjoyable in its own right. Not for the both of us. The part that we shared there was that we had to have something we could declaim about. Something we could pull out and show that we might be proud of it. + +> So you went skiing, because you both were about the same level at that. + +I bounced, he didn't. + +> That's a factor of your age and size. I don't think you actually bounce all that well. + +Fair. + +You're right, though. We went skiing together because that was just sort of the thing we enjoyed --- for different reasons, I'm sure --- and it just so happened that we enjoyed doing it around each other, too. + +There would be mishaps, of course. Forgetting boots or poles was a big one. I forgot my poles once and thought I'd be found, dead, in the woods later that day. We wound up renting a pair. From then on, I was determined to learn how to ski without them. + +> It turned out to be fun, at least. + +Yes. + +We fell into a habit. Go skiing every other weekend, since that was my time staying with him, from late fall to mid spring. We'd make the drive from the suburbs west of Denver up into the mountains. We'd hit Winter Park, our favorite, or we'd maybe run over to Arapahoe Basin or Loveland Pass. + +We'd ski from nine in the morning until about three in the afternoon. We'd grab lunch. Dad would grab 'beer-thirty' a little bit after that and let me do a few runs on my own while he chatted up a bartender. + +> You would get the buffalo green chili every lunch, when you wound up at Winter Park. At Loveland, it would be the build-your-own pizzas. It was all so routine. + +It was the most comfortably routine thing that we did together. Not even school could top that. + +> It was, above all, pleasant. + +At times. + +> Yes. + +At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home. + +And then it fell apart. + +> Yes, + +There's no one time I could point to and say, "Ah-hah, *this* is when things fell apart." There were a few indicators, to be sure, but no one single instance. + +There was only that last ski trip to Steamboat. + +> When? + +My birthday. + +> Which? + +I don't even remember. Middle school? Freshman year of high school? + +> Had life started yet? + +It must have. It must have been high school, then. It must have been spring break. It must have been, because I could drive, then. Dad made me take my turn driving his new truck while he sat in the passenger seat and drank glumly. Tecate after Tecate. Julie sat in the back and stayed quiet. Even then the cracks were showing in their relationship. + +> It started snowing on the drive. + +Yes. + +> You drove a fraction of an inch too close to the shoulder, your right wheel veered from the dark tracks plowed through the thin layer of snow by the car in front of you. He shouted, "Pull over at the next exit, if you're going to drive like that. Snow could cause too much drag on the tires and drag us off the road." + +Yes. + +> He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence. + +Yes. + +> When you got to the condo that you'd rented. He took four or five advil with a Corona, apologized sullenly, and went to go lay down. + +I don't remember any of the rest of the trip. All I remember is that we watched *Fellowship of the Ring* and that, at one point on the drive back, I asked a question about angular momentum. + +> You wanted to promise him, visibly, that you were still smart. You wanted to appeal to him in a way that you knew he'd take well. + +I wanted him to be okay with me. + +> Dig deeper. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/004.md b/writing/ally/dad/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..176a1d88 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-21 +weight: 4 +--- + +
Suicide
+ +If life started in high school, if that was birth, then running away was conception. + +> It was the first sign you gave that you might have a claim of ownership over yourself. + +Is it alright if I include something I wrote about it a long time ago? + +> Maybe. + +Will you feel left out? + +> Maybe. Will you? + +I guess. + +June 10, 2015: + +[![Running away](https://drab-makyo.com/commissions/by-artist/grey/grey--running-away-small--makyo--G.jpg)](https://drab-makyo.com/commissions/by-artist/grey/grey--running-away-small--makyo--G.jpg) +Art by Grey White. + +
I think we all have a lot of formative moments in our lives. For me, it was stuff like coming out, the realization of my own mortality, the suicide attempt, and so on. I think that they tend to fall into two basic categories: those which affect us consciously, which we think about from day to day, with enough frequency to say 'often'; and those which affect us more subconsciously, where we can go years or decades without really thinking about them, and yet they still inform so many of your actions. + +Running away spent a lot of time in the subconscious camp, quietly informing several aspects of how I viewed myself and how I viewed the world around me. It was only recently, in the last year or so, that it's come to the forefront, thanks largely to recent discussions with friends, family, and therapists. It's only through that process that I've come to realize just how formative an event it really was. + +In 1997, at eleven years old, I switched from living with my mom full time to living with my dad full time. My parents had divorced at some point early in my childhood, when I was too young to remember, and I grew up knowing nothing else. + +The switch was part of a way to make sure that I grew up to be a balanced person. Having spent so much of my childhood in my mom's household, it was time for me to spend more time with my dad than the schedule that we had maintained until then, Wednesday nights and every other weekend. The move was set for the time when I would be switching schools, anyway -- I had just left fifth grade, and that was the time when middle school started in Boulder county. + +I remember feeling a mix of excitement and apprehension as the date neared for the switch. On the one hand, it was exciting to be able to spend more time with my dad, who had always been keen on doing things with me that were fun. We'd go skiing, boating, spend a day trying to make the best paper airplanes, learn how to use the computer. On the other, though, I was apprehensive that I would be spending more time with my dad, who had always been somewhat distant, spending much of his time at the bar where my stepmother worked as a bartender, caring more about the grades that I brought home than my experience in school. In some senses, we were in line with each other and our expectations of what a parent-child relationship should be, and in others, we found ourselves at odds. + +Even so, things wound up working out alright for sixth grade. I moved in with my dad, and moved to a new school. I had to spend one more year in elementary school, as Jefferson county didn't start junior high until seventh grade, but it served me well. I wound up in a 'gifted and talented' program at the school due to how well I did at my previous school, and found the work to be both more engaging and more intense. My grades started to drop, I started to get bouts of depression and anxiety. At one point, I forged my parents' signatures on my *Friday Folder*, which was supposed to be a weekly communication between my parents and my teacher, leading to a few weeks of being in trouble with both my dad and my mom. + +Even so, although I was beginning to struggle for the first time in my life, I did my best to please my dad and maintain the enjoyable, if enigmatic, relationship that we had had up until then. I missed my mom, to be sure, having spent so much of my life until then living primarily with her, but I still felt like I could do well enough and excel in school living with my dad.
+ +> There is much to talk about. + +Should I stop? + +> No, carry on for now. + +
I don't remember much about my summer between sixth and seventh grades, other than I had almost certainly gone back to the summer camp that I had gone to every summer before. I remember that this was the first time I started really enjoying writing. After leaving school for the summer, a friend and I had exchanged addresses and promised to write each other a letter over the summer. I don't remember if we actually did, but those drafts of letters turned into my first attempt at journalling, which would lead me to writing stuff like this -- putting my introspection down in words. + +In the fall of 1998, I began seventh grade at junior high, one of those transitions where students go from being the oldest kids in school to the youngest. I figured that school would be similar, that it would be as though class had picked up where it had left off. + +It didn't. + +Junior high and middle school is when they start introducing separate teachers for separate subjects, rather than a single teacher for core curriculum and separate teachers only for specialized subjects such as art, music, and physical education. This threw me for a loop, at first, and I wasn't really sure why until I started digging back into my past over the last few years. What had started happening as puberty continued to roar through me is that depressive and anxious tendencies really started to take root. I would start fearing math class, rather than the subject of math with a familiar teacher, start worrying about the fact that band was mixed-grade and I would be pitted against eighth graders. + +As a pre-teen, I had no idea what anxiety, panic, and depression were. I thought I was going crazy. My journals at the time were filled with fretting that I was having 'psychotic episodes' and wondering when these increasingly common attacks would become the new normal and coherent thought the brief rays of sunshine. + +At the same time, I remember life getting harder for my dad. Things were happening at work -- bad things -- and while I can't remember if it was that I had become more receptive to this or there had been actual changes, the perceived shift in my dad's mood started to wear on me. Over the summer, he had announced that I was grown-up enough to stay home while he went to the bar for the evening. I'd get home at four or so, and dad would get home at nine or ten at night, having sussed out many of his problems of the day at work. I'd be in bed, or maybe we'd watch Deep Space Nine, and then we'd both go to bed.
+ +> Do you remember it being this way? + +I don't. Or maybe I do, but the time since when I wrote this has colored my interpretation of it. + +> You sound upset, now. Back when you wrote this, you just sounded weary. + +I suppose I was. I was weary in general, then. I was writing this from a tired, point of view. I was the caryatid. I was tired. + +> You are still. + +I've learned to bear the load a little better. + +
In junior high, report cards came quarterly. My first one came sometime in October. It was not good. + +My dad had become increasingly harsh on the topic of grades over the previous few weeks. Parent teacher conferences had not gone well at all, with my math teacher having particularly harsh things to say about me. I don't even remember on what day of the week this happened, though I want to say Thursday. Dad came home for long enough to make us both dinner before he would head out to the bar. Although neither of us mentioned the fact that my poor grades were in my backpack, he must've known what the date had signified, as, before he left, he said something to the effect of, "When I get back home from seeing Julie, you'll show me your report card." + +I didn't know what to do. Kill myself? I'd tried half-heartedly in the past. I collected the knife I'd stolen and kept in my desk. It was too dull. I had found a mirror from a makeup compact some days before, and I broke the glass, thinking I could use a piece of that instead, but couldn't manage to get any of the shards of glass actually out of the compact, and as time drew on, I felt less and less like actually dying, as opposed to simply ceasing to be.
diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/005.md b/writing/ally/dad/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..896c66dc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,130 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-21 +weight: 5 +--- + +
Suicide
+ +> Hold on. + +Yes? + +> Let's take a step back. + +Okay. + +> You're about to mix the clinical with the reality. + +I know. You know that. We wrote this story. + +> Yes. + +Are you having doubts as to posting it? + +> Yes. And here is where you start mixing the clinical with the experiential. + +There is one story, but there are two ways to tell it. + +> Can we retell it? + +The whole thing? + +> No. You don't have to go back and change what you wrote before, at least not the preceding paragraphs. But we need to make this ours now. + +Is the rest not good? + +> It's all perfectly serviceable. It's all perfectly you-in-2015. + +That it is. I wasn't quite so heavy with the lilac scent on my words in those days. + +> It still gets a little purple. + +I guess. + +> Let's cut a deal, then. + +Oh? You want to edit it? + +> You want to edit it. You want to make it more relevant. You want to make it more 2019. You want to make it fit. You want to understand, not just regurgitate. + +Okay, fair. + +> Let me talk about the clinical side. You go back to the other version of the story. + +Okay. + +> What was happening at this point, is that you were having an honest to goodness panic attack. You were entering a fugue state. + +I froze for several minutes, probably about an hour, sitting on my bed and holding a broken mirror in my hands. All thoughts had left me, and all I could think about was not being. Not being here, not being at all. + +Having decided not to kill myself, I put on a hoodie, went up stairs and emptied the quarter jar of quarters, left the broken mirror on the counter, and grabbed my bike. I had no idea what I would do, where I would go. I just knew that I needed out of there. That place wasn't a place I could be. + +Still in a trance, I made my way to what I assumed would be a safe space to hide out for a while, long enough for my dad to not be out looking for me. I don't know why that was something I was thinking of, but it was. I rode my bike to the nearby Wal-Mart, and hid behind it, where the semi trailers were parked. I hid between two storage containers in the back, the stars invisible to me due to the bright lights of the parking lot, and yet the shadows were such that I remained in total darkness. + +> You needed to get away. You needed to not be there. You didn't have the language to explain panic, and you didn't understand the importance of escape. + +Yeah. How could I have? No one had thought to teach me. + +> You had boundaries for what you felt were healthy means of interaction, and no means to communicate when they had been crossed. You had been slogging through anxiety with no way to explain to yourself or others what anxiety was, and you had crossed the point where you could continue to exist in that state. + +The only solution was escape. Escaping into an internal world had worked until my dad demanded to see the report card, and escape by death hadn't panned out. The only route left to me was literally escaping the situation. + +As the night wore on and the clock struck nine, I realized that I couldn't stay behind the Wal-Mart forever. I'd need some place to go. With only my bike, my hoodie, and five dollars in quarters, I biked the four miles from where I had been camped to the nearest bus station serving the route that would take me back to Boulder. I had no plans beyond getting to Boulder, other than I figured I could be homeless there in relative safety. + +> That's where you spent the coldest night of your life. + +The last bus to Boulder had already left, and so I was left on my own from about eleven that night until nearly six in the morning. I slept off and on on the bench in the bus-stop shelter. I hadn't brought my bike lock with me, so I kept my bike leaning against the bench where I was dozing. I eventually got too paranoid and tied the sleeve of my hoodie around the top bar of the bike while I huddled deep within the relatively thin cotton of the jacket, no protection against the cold of the Colorado night. + +> At some point during the night, your anxiety abated enough to let you get some more perspective on the situation, and you started to think in terms of what you would do. + +I would take the bus to Boulder, get off near the then-open Crossroads Mall, and see if I could get something to eat. + +> You never quite made it back to baseline in terms of anxiety, however. You were riding on a high, the fugue state constantly re-conquering you and leaving you paralyzed for hours at a time. + +The bus was warm. It had eaten $3.50 of my total of $5, but it was totally worth it. I fell asleep in the back seat within minutes of getting on, and was only awoken when the bus reached the end of the line and the kindly driver (who surely knew what was up) shook me awake and helped me onto my bike. + +For lack of anything better to do, I rode my bike from the Walnut Street Station to my old elementary school. School wouldn't be starting for another half hour or so, so I camped out in a playground near by, affectionately known as Rock Park. I sat atop the sculpture-*cum*-playground that made up the park's central feature and watched elementary schoolers trudge toward their classes. + +> With a bit of rest under your belt and once more in familiar territory-- + +Literally three-quarters of a mile from my mom's house, at the time. + +> --you were starting to come out of your state of panic. + +I was left with the dilemma of basically being a fugitive. I couldn't go to my mom's house, and I could never return to my dad's. I was no longer anxious -- my brain couldn't hold that anymore -- I was simply tired and sad. + +Without anywhere to go or anything to do, I made my way back up to my original goal of Crossroads and puttered around the mall for a bit. My $1.50 wouldn't buy me anything, so I just strolled around the bookstore for a while, always a favorite spot of mine. As I headed back out to where I'd left my bike in front of the entrance, I was startled by a red Honda Civic pulling up directly in front of me. My mom had found me. She admitted immediately that she had been canvasing the bookstores in town looking for me. + +> Even in your current state, you were a total dork. + +The rest of that day and the next were a blur of crying. I was crying. My mom was crying. + +> Your dad may have been crying, + +Maybe, but it wasn't the type of thing I saw or heard from him. Mostly, he was angry. + +I remember heated phone calls back and forth several times throughout the next few days. He had found my journal and accused me, "If you feel like you're going crazy, maybe we should put you in the hospital. Is that what you want from us?" + +I couldn't answer. + +> Might've done you some good. Gotten you some help. + +"I'm throwing out a bunch of your stuff, since you don't care about your place here." + +No answer. + +> Stuff. Gifts. Clothing. Toys. Things piled high to, as you felt, buy your loyalty. + +"What's with the broken mirror?" + +No answer. + +> You couldn't tell him about the numinous aspect of it that drives that imagery in so many trashy teenage poetry notebooks, about how it came crashing down over you like a wave. And you **definitely** couldn't tell him about wanting to use it to kill yourself. + +"What is it you want from me?" + +> What **did** you want from him? + +I struggled for a way to put into words the anxiety, panic, and depression that had slowly taken over my life from the moment puberty had hit, exacerbated by the fact that I was living in a place where I felt distinctly unwelcome. I think I wound up mumbling something about the fact that, with my dad gone all evening at the bar, I had no contact with someone in utter control of my life other than through punishment. Even then, as a child, that only felt partly true. + +> Dig deeper. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/006.md b/writing/ally/dad/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..62d39708 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-21 +weight: 6 +--- + +> That was exhausting. + +The old blog post? + +> Yes. Exhausting in the sense that you have to hold three versions of yourself in your head at once. You have to hold in your mind the version of you who, in 1998, had such a large panic attack that he ran away from home. You have to hold in your mind the version of you who, in 2015, was struggling through the early stages of transition, who was finally getting into the meat of things with therapy. And you have to hold me in your mind. + +You have to remember that I'm powered by a small cantaloupe. Holding all three of those in my head at once would be a bit much. + +> One of us was getting squeezed out. + +Did you feel neglected? + +> That's nostalgia: neglect of the present in favor of the past. + +I suppose it is. I'll refrain from diving into a blog post like that again. + +> You can, just mind your boundaries. + +I will. + +> Tell me about running away. + +Again? + +> You-who-live-in-2019, tell me about running away. + +One of us mentioned before that it was the moment at which I started to assert ownership over myself. + +> We both did. + +I suppose I stand by that, then. Stand by the idea that that was conception to the birth that came in high school. + +But it needs some qualifications. + +> Qualify away. + +One qualification that it needs is that, at the moment, just as with so many other forms of conception, it was borne of some baser part of me. It was not some conscious thing. It was not this clean and well-thought-out experience, sleek by design. + +It was a release of terror into action. I was blacking out from fear. I was so full of adrenaline that living my life as a vagrant was more acceptable to me than waiting for my dad to come home. It was an act that happened. Not something I did. + +> Some folks try to conceive. + +Fair. + +Some folks try and plan out their memoirs. + +> Fair. + +Another qualification that needs to be made is that, while I'm willing to accept this was about the time I started to assert ownership over myself, I don't think it happened while running away. Not that night. + +> When did it happen? + +It happened that morning when I sat atop the rocks of Rock Park. I sat atop the rocks and watched kids walking along the cul-de-sac toward Eisenhower, my old Elementary school. + +I watched them walking and thought about how much bigger their backpacks looked than mine did when I was in school. + +I watched them and I thought about how big my backpack might get in high school, and realized that I wouldn't find out. + +I watched them and I thought about going to knock on the door at my mom's house. It was five blocks away. + +> And then you chose not to. + +Yes. + +> Dig deeper. + +![Rock park](/rock-park.jpg) diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/007.md b/writing/ally/dad/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2244cc3a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-21 +weight: 7 +--- + +When I was getting ready to leave bConnected, I started struggling with movements. It started as a twitchiness in the hands. It started with a wringing of the fingers. It started with a slight nod of the head. It started in so many tiny ways that I didn't really put together. + +

Twitching, twitching. Screw lorazepam. Gonna walk the dog instead :D

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) August 19, 2012
+ +> Twitch twitch. + +Yeah. + +> And how does this tie in with your dad, again? + +Getting there. + +> I'll be patient. + +Good. + +The twitchiness grew worse. It grew to a jerk of the head to the side. It went from the occasional thing to something that hit every second and a half or so. It started impeding my speech. I started stuttering. I lost my balance and had to use a cane for a while. + +> It came and went. Not all of that happened at once. + +When I think back on that time, it's just a smear of time from when I got the offer at Canonical and Further Confusion 2013 a few months later. There are bits of time that stick out as being particularly tic-filled, of course, and bits of time I know I was free of it. + +> You were free of it in Montreal, at your intro sprint. + +Yes, and it came back during UDS in Copenhagen. It came back and it stayed. + +> Did it? + +For our purposes here, yes, it did. + +> 'Our'? + +Listen. When your body rebels and tries to shake your brain out through your ears and dislodge your eyes, when your friend dies in a car crash and you only find out about it a week later, when you start a brand new job and fly all the way across the country, getting stuck in London along the way, time stops making a whole lot of sense. At some point, I had the tic, and it stayed. + +> Touchy tonight, aren't we? + +You're being as helpful as ever. + +> Not my department. + +At some point during this whole process, Thanksgiving rolled around and I went to visit dad. + +> Oh. + +See? + +I emailed him ahead of time, warning him that I was struggling with a transient tic disorder caused --- or at least exacerbated --- by one of my medications. I felt so embarrassed, to be seen by him like that. + +> Like what? Vulnerable? + +Yes. To be seen as week by someone who placed so high a premium on strength. + +> He was hardly a body-builder. + +Well, no. Not physical strength. Moral, perhaps? He certainly prided himself on his composure, and this was me in a state where I was literally unable to maintain my composure. + +> At least you had an excuse for avoiding eye contact. + +It was, oddly, a fairly calm and cozy evening. JD came with. We had some turkey breast. I brought a bottle of bourbon and some homemade cranberry sauce. We talked. + +> It was nice. + +It was. This was at the time in my life where I was learning what the proper amount of 'dad' was that I could handle. About three hours. Maybe a little more. Any more than that and we'd both fall back into our old habits. We had much better reunions than we did an ongoing friendship. + +> And you drank, then. + +Yes. + +> You laughed when you knocked the bottle of bourbon off the counter and immediately caught it before it fell to the ground. "The tic has led to my reflexes getting better," you said. + +Dad didn't quite know how to accept me acknowledging my vulnerability. + +> It was nice. + +In a smirking sort of way, I guess. In a *oh wow I'm different now* way. In a *I guess I'm finally starting to grow out of being your son* way. + +> Matthew had died. + +Yes. Matthew had died, and we were doing Thanksgiving together. + +> It was nice. + +It was. He had come to the wedding, so the truth was out, as it were, about JD and I, though he surely had known already. During one of his prior visits to Fort Collins, he had invited me down to grab dinner with him in Lakewood sometime, saying, "You can bring your...ah, you can bring James with you, too." + +> Tell me about 'man'. + +Matthew was dead. Madison was conceived. She would be born soon. + +> Dig deeper. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/008.md b/writing/ally/dad/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d585c0ec --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,154 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-22 +weight: 8 +--- + +October 26, 2014: + +``` +Hey Matt + +Been a while since I've heard from you. You guys get all settled in the new house? Need to get together and catch up. Still have that gun for your collection. + +Doing well here. Grandma is getting a bit more frail. We are going down for thanksgiving. + +Dad + +Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone. +``` + +> Never one to beat around the bush. + +No indeed. + +Three and a half hours later, my reply: + +``` +Hey dad, + +Things are going fine at the house, though things are always more expensive than they first seem. We got the old house rented out, though, and that really helps; the mortgage on that is about $650, and it's renting for $1550, so the extra cash really helps with the new place. Other than finances though,it's going really well. Loveland's kind of a desert for restaurants and things to do, but we've got enough to keep us occupied at the house. + +It's a shame to hear about grandma, but I suppose that's sort of what happens as one gets older. You'll have to say hi for me, I'll be travelling to Seattle around then. Things are going okay here, work's going really well and there's lots of travel. I just got back from Brussels not too long ago and am currently in the Bay Area on the first Actual Vacation I've taken in a while, the rest having been coincidental things with conferences and conventions. We'll have to meet up sometime for drinks and catching up. + +In all, things are going well, though I think I need to be more honest about a big part of my life over the last several years. + +In my life as a gay man, I believe I only ever really come out in an explicit manner once. I was in high school, in my first week of classes, and our counselors came around to our homeroom class to hold some getting-to-know-you exercise. This consisted of a lot of bored kids and one "excited" counselor asking us a series of yes or no questions and having us move to one side of the room for 'yes' and the other for 'no'. Being in a progressive town, I didn't expect to be the only kid to answer the question "Will you get married when you grow up?" with no, but sure enough, I was. I was feeling brave, so, when I was questioned about my response in front of the class, mumbled, "gay marriage is illegal, and I'm gay." + +All of the other times I had to come out to family or friends, it was something assumed, or something hinted at. When I came out to my mom, I did so by leaving a book about gay teens and their stories on her stack of books to read. Coming out at work at my first job out of college was a matter of being "the one hired by the gay manager", and coming out at my second job was a matter of my relationship with James being included in a portfolio piece - a data-visualization résumé about my life. When I *officially* came out to you, I did so by inviting you to my wedding to James. Prior to that, although I assume it was common knowledge, it was unspoken. + +Needless to say, I'm not all that good at coming out. + +Running away was a turning point for me - for both of us, really. I think that we have always been guarded in our communication with each other. During that time in my life, I felt under intense distress that I couldn't express to you. Not only did I not have the words, it didn't fit in with what I perceived to be our mode of communication. I felt stuck, drained, and worthless, and the only path forward to me at the time was escape. + +After that incident, however, I shut down even more. I didn't feel that talking through emotions, feelings, and identity with you was appropriate or allowed. This was something based off of my perceptions, which were that there are appropriate conversations to have, and that not all conversations fit into this category. I think - I hope - that my perceptions growing up were wrong. I know that my running away caused a lot of pain, and that's something that I still feel bad about, just as I know that only coming out to you through a wedding invite was not my classiest move, and I feel bad about that as well. + +It has been my goal with my friends and partners to have relationships based on the ability to share the emotions and problems that are part and parcel to being a living human being. Over the last few years, I've worked to open up to my mom as well, letting deliberate honesty take the place of obfuscation and lying through omission about the things that are tough to talk about. I think that, as my dad, I owe that to you as well. I want to make up for all the lost conversations that we've never had. We've made good buddies over the last few decades, and I think it's important that we also make good family. + +So what's this about? + +I've been having troubles fitting within a masculine role for as long as I can remember. Early on, this was shown through a disregard for the boyish aspects of childhood: a lack of interest in sports, a fascination with reading the same books Marika (I apologize if I've misspelled her name, I believe that's the first time I've ever written it myself), and a need to keep out of the cliques of other boys in my early school years, except for the crowd of misfits I wound up palling around with, with whom I still keep in touch. + +Moving to college, of course, provided all sorts of opportunities to explore. Although I spent time hanging out in the LGBT student services office and fiddled around with all sorts of different relationships, I still maintained this repressed attitude toward gender. There is a tendency among gay men to be incredibly misogynistic, and I experienced no shortage of that until I managed to quit that group, about the time I switched into a major that I felt fit me much better. Working in the music department taught me a lot about how gender roles are cemented within western culture, and in particular, I remember a discussion in which a young woman who had accepted a male part in an operetta was taught how to walk like a man. + +Somewhere around then, I understood what feminism was all about. I realized how everything from wages down to the ways in which we walk are coded toward gender, and I hated it. I didn't fit this masculine role into which I was born, and there was little to nothing I could do about it. + +Gayle Rubin describes gender as the aggregation of "chromosomal sex, hormonal exposure, internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and psychological identifications." Needless to say, there's a lot bound up in the topic, and a whole lot of it made me feel awful. I spent most of 2012 doing my level best to reject gender in its entirety. I denied my masculinity as I strived for neutrality and, while I gained quite a bit of insight, I gained little ground in terms of tackling my own problems with my identity. + +It's only recently that I've decided to come at this problem of identity and personal friction in an explicit and deliberate fashion. There are things in my life that make me feel bad - just as there are for everyone - and I've found that it's my job, more than anyone else's, to fix the things in my life that cause me pain. Identity, after all, is that which we feel about ourselves when under duress. + +What this boils down to, really, is that I'm more than just uncomfortable in a masculine role, it causes me intense psychological distress, and so I'm working to fix that. + +I've found ways to soothe this friction, however, and, as I mentioned, I'm deliberately pursuing these fronts. I can do little things, like dress in a less masculine fashion, walk with less swagger, and, to get down to the point, change my name away from something so decidedly masculine. I'm working on changing my name from Matthew Joseph Scott to Madison Jesse Scott-Clary. It's a way to mitigate this distress, and it's working well from my point of view. I'm finally being proactive about self-actualization rather than waiting for it to come from the outside, and it's doing me wonders. + +I waffle quite a bit on whether or not to adopt the label transgender for myself, but in a lot of ways, it really fits. 'Transgender' is an umbrella term that encompasses most all of gender variance in the human population, and literally just means not identifying with the culturally defined gender roles or categories of male or female as it pertains to one's sex assigned at birth. + +Going back to Rubin's definition of gender, it is my psychological identification that is not in line with my biological sex. I don't really feel "more like a woman than a man", so much as I feel decidedly ungendered. Gender itself is non-binary - there isn't simply an either-or, or a line between two extremes, but a whole realm of experience that exists, unique to each person as an individual. + +As far as definitions go, this makes me more "genderqueer" or "genderfluid", rather than simply "transgender". However, given my tendency to shy away from masculinity, I think it is safe to say that, although I will aways be a man-shape (there's no changing my height, natch), I will be a lot less masculine, and thus to all appearances by society at large more feminine, than I have been in the past. So while transgender works, I generally describe myself as agender or genderqueer, and use gender-neutral pronouns such as "they/them/theirs" to refer to myself. + +Big picture, what does this mean? + +I've already brought up the name change, and as yet, that's one in a set of very small changes that make up my attempts to alleviate this particular type of distress. It's these little things - changing my name, growing my hair out, carefully choosing the clothing that I purchase - that I've adopted so far as deliberate attempts to make myself feel better + +I am, however, still me. There is nothing above the surface level that is changing. This has always been me, and will always be me, and there's certainly no changing that. Little things such as changing my name are ways in which I can better align that sense of self with the ways in which the world perceives me. + +These changes allow me to live in a way that makes me content. I've been searching for a long time for the supposed happiness that comes with being a grown-up, and, like most everyone, decided it's bogus. However, there really is something to be said for realizing oneself in a way that provides the utmost self-fulfillment that oneself can provide. What it comes down to is that I feel good here. I feel better than I have in a long, long time, and I think that my actions speak for themselves: this is who I am. + +What does this mean for you? + +Dad, I really appreciate all that you've done for me. I owe so much more to you than I could ever put into words. So much of the things we did while I was growing up proved formative to who I am today, and there's no expressing the gratitude that I feel for that. You've given me so much that there's no amount I could give back to repay that. + +I understand that the changes that I am making for myself, now that I'm nearing 30, vary in size from minuscule to enormous. I understand that I am changing some pretty integral parts of myself, some of which you had a say in yourself, such as my name. + +What it comes down to is that I'm writing to seek your acceptance. It needn't be immediate (I'm telling you this in a letter for a reason, take all the time you need in responding), and it needn't necessarily be wholehearted. However, this is the path that I'm heading down, dad, and I'm determined to do so. There's years and years and years of thought and emotion bound up inside of these steps I'm taking, and I want you to be aware of them, and, if it's alright by you, for you to be a part of them. + +I know that our communication over the years has been rough in places, but lets have this be the opening to a conversation between us about each of us. I hope to hear back from you soon. + +Apologies for so many words, I know I wrote rather a lot. I'll stop here and leave some links and resources below. I wish you all the best in work and in life. + +Always yours, + +Madison Scott-Clary + +Some resources: + +[0] A good explanation of neutrois/agender/genderqueer: + + Take everything that you associate with masculinity and put it into a metaphorical yard. Then do the same thing with everything feminine, putting all of that into an adjacent yard. Then, build a low stone wall (not a fence) between them, and put atop this wall everything that you can associate with both genders. Then, imagine that I walked down that wall, picked up a lot of the attributes from that center place, and then the parts from both of the yards that most appealed to me. + +[1] A good set of pages on the subject of transgender issues and gender variance as a whole: http://transwhat.org/ + +[2] A well-written video on non-binary gender, sexuality, and presentation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibAGYQtk3r4 + +[3] A friend, who is going through similar changes in their life, wrote a really good analogy on binaries and identities: https://medium.com/@indilatrani/early-birds-and-night-owls-afc59712b0b8 + +[4] A really good paper on the types of things I've been working through over the past decade or so: http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/Witnessing.pdf +``` + +> I'm ashamed to be associated with you. + +Oh come now. + +> 2300 words. + +It's not that bad. + +> You have four footnotes + +Okay, maybe it's a little bad. + +> One of them is an academic paper. + +Okay, it's bad. + +Remember when I had the accident with the Pathfinder, though? + +> He told you not to talk like a lawyer, that shit happens. I don't think that means write an essay for class. + +Is it your department to experience just how difficult it is to interact with him. + +> No. It's my department to mirror that back at you. + +Interacting with him was walking a minefield of proclamations. One didn't just discuss a topic. One didn't just feel emotions and have a heart to heart. One learned about something and showed that they knew what they were talking about. I *had* to talk like a lawyer. I *had* to write an essay. + +Matthew was dead, and this was me letting him go. Madison was a newborn. Less than two months old. I couldn't not be careful. I was too fragile. + +> What was his reply? + +Four days later. + +``` +Hey Madison + +First things first. Congratulation on that vacation. They seem to be hard to come by lately. I know Maurine doesn’t consider going to Tucson a vacation any more. We do love San Fran. Maybe a trip this spring. Playing a lot of deadline games this fall and pretty much have been stuck here in the office. Can’t bitch. It pays for retirement (whatever that’ll be). + +Thanks for the letter. I am always glad to get something to read that has some meat to it. Also thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. That thing they call life can be a slippery beast and I am always happy when you can feel a little more comfortable walking around. It’s funny how easy it is to say that you don’t care what people think when deep down your innate reflex is to care. + +Anyway, I am truly happy for you. It’s your life and it should be as fun and easy as you can make it. Seems thoughtful people tend to beat themselves up while many others can just cruise through life with a grin. I can envy them at times. It took me a lot of years to learn to just relax and enjoy things. I’ve had my times when I have gone to see counselors just because I couldn’t feel settled down in life. Each time I’ve learned a little bit about myself that helps slow down the troubles so that the good can be enjoyed. I will always be there if you need me no matter what your name is or for that matter your gender. + +Still looking forward to seeing you Madison. This weekend is a bit of a rush, but we around from then till Thanksgiving. Let me know your address and Maurine and I would love to come up and see the new digs and have some lunch. + +Love Dad +``` + +> Dig deeper. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/009.md b/writing/ally/dad/009.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..36876e5e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/009.md @@ -0,0 +1,90 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 10 +--- + +I went through all this effort to come out to him. It was one of the only times I've come out and had it be 100% my choice, my words. I could write what I want, explain my feelings. + +> Ish. + +Well, sure. I had to couch it in language catered to him. I had to couch it almost as an apology. But it was my choice to come out, when I could've just hid. + +I typed up my letter. I ran it past Robin. I slept on it. I hit send. + +> You hit send and then you put your laptop away and curled up to rest your head on Robin's lap. + +It took a lot out of me. Being vulnerable is exhausting. Being vulnerable around my dad doubly so. + +> It went better than you had hoped. + +Much. + +> And then you met up in person. + +Yes. We met up for dinner in Loveland, and he just couldn't quite do it. JD couldn't come for some reason or another, so it was just me and my dad and Maurine sitting at a table in Door 222. + +I went in boy mode. I wasn't quite sure that I was ready to be that vulnerable around him, not enough to be in a skirt and makeup. + +> You came out as ace. You couldn't have been that shy. + +I was also a little drunk. Maybe after a few drinks, I thought maybe a bit more vulnerability might not be such a bad thing. + +It was just all too much, though, for someone I saw so infrequently. He couldn't use my name. He couldn't call me Madison. + +> Man. Dude. + +Yeah. That's all I got. I got one 'Matt' and an apology, and then the rest of the night, he would only call me 'man' or 'dude'. + +> Do you think it was intentional? + +Probably not. + +> But it hurt. + +Yes. It's one thing to not be able to remember a name on the spot, or to mess up on pronouns, but it's another to default to specifically gendered terms when your child just came out to you as trans. + +I know, I know, they're not *that* gendered. Folks argue that 'dude' is gender neutral with some frequency. + +> But still. + +But still. + +> And then you stopped really trying. + +Yeah. + +I talked with my therapist not too long ago about what I would tell someone coming out as trans who had a parent who reacted how my dad did, with that same nonchalance, that same uncaring attitude. I said I would tell them to try to make their voice heard up until a point. + +"Up until a point?" she asked. "Do you think there's a point where you stop trying to make your voice heard?" + +"It's less that than it is there's a point where you have to make the cost-benefit analysis and decide whether or not it's worth it to try any harder." + +"That's kind of harsh, don't you think? To say 'it's not worth it to continue this relationship with my family member'." + +I shrugged. "Maybe it is, but at a certain point, it costs more to keep trying that any benefit I would get out of him really listening and understanding." + +> You cut your losses. + +Yeah. I decided that it was either going to be too much energy or just plain hurt to much to keep trying and to keep failing with him, so I just kinda gave up. + +> You could have kept going. + +Maybe. + +> Maybe he would have come around. + +Maybe. + +> He could have started to see you as his daughter. You could have told him about the HRT, about surgery. You could have told him about drinking and poly and so many other things. + +Maybe. But at this point, it's too many 'maybe's. I'm too tired to deal with something so important with someone I'm not even sure I respect. + +> It's okay not to respect the him that he was around Matthew. What about the him that's around Madison? What about the him that went and sought out therapy? What about the him who said, quietly, "I was a real asshole. I'm starting to realize that now."? Is that him not worth loving? + +Maybe I love him. + +I'm just not sure I can let my guard down around him enough to respect him. + +The him who kicked me, the him who I ran away from, the him who taught me that moods were a thing for cattle and loveplay...that him is still too near the surface. I have spent years of my life, hours and hours of therapy, I have spent thousands of dollars trying to unwind what damage he did to me. I resent that. I loathe that I hate who I used to be in part because he made me that way. + +Maybe I do love him, I'm just not yet sure that I don't also hate him. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/010.md b/writing/ally/dad/010.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e5b53d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,41 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 10 +--- + +
+There's some duality between sources of meaning, + Between the types of stories we use to back identity. +It's not quite good & bad or light & dark, + Though I'm not yet sure just how to define it. + +Dad used to punish the dogs + by locking then in the basement. +If he was really mad, + he'd toss then down there by the scruff. + +Mom moved me & her dogs to a new house — + moved us three days early during the divorce. +Her dog punched my ex stepdad in the crotch the night before, + the nut-shot to end all nut-shots, & our time there. + +Few things make me feel as deeply about life as parenthood, + even if it's just me caring for my dogs. +Some reminders of that are intense enough to be raw, painful, + salt in the wounds of mortality, maybe, or the ache of maternal love. + +The meaning behind the story of me & my dogs + comes with a story of its own, or maybe several. +It's bound up in stories to come, + & these stories nest infinitely deep. + +Remembering that & shaping that, + It's a part of making the meaning in my life. +This isn't better against worse, + it's not mom against dad. + +It's not a dichotomy at all, really, + now that I think about it. +It's something subtler, comfortably complex, a topic of its own. + I guess it's just meaning & self. +
diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/011.md b/writing/ally/dad/011.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d444e43a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/011.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 11 +--- + +> Do you ever worry that maybe he should be forgiven? + +Oh, *constantly*. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/_index.md b/writing/ally/dad/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c396ec86 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#ccc' +color: '#000' +quote: '#222' +back: '/16' +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/001.md b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9d17dc83 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-23 +weight: 1 +--- + +
Dad,
+
+It's been a while since we've had the chance to catch up on things. That's on me; not only has life been pretty nuts of late, but I've also kind of lost track of keeping in touch with family and a whole slew of friends.
+
+There are a bunch of reasons for that. Chief among them is probably that I'm struggling a lot with figuring out where I stand with folks. It seems like there's this whole class of people that I'm just not sure how to interact with. In our case, it's sort of, "Are we friends? Are we family? Is it cool for us to just chat? Should our relationship be cordial? Friendly? Chatting only when necessary, or regularly?" Lots of questions like that.
+
+I think a lot of the reason I've been asking myself a lot of these questions lately has been that I've kinda hit one of those mid-life crisis moments. I know 34 isn't exactly a number preceded by 'the ripe old age of', but I suppose this is the type of thing that can strike at just about any time. At least, that's what my therapist promises me.
+
+I burned out pretty hard at Internet Archive, and left after only a year to go work as a contractor for a small software company based in the UK (still working remote, natch) called New Vector. They work on encrypted communications stuff, with their primary selling point being that their service is federated - anyone can run a server and talk to anyone else on other servers. It makes for a much more robust network.
+
+Neat as the opportunity was, I hated it. Every time I opened up my code editor, I'd just stare at it and think about how much I hated my job. Then I'd start feeling hopeless, because this thing I was hating was my chosen career path.
+
+Burnout's a hell of a drug, I guess.
+
+Neither work nor I were happy with me there, so rather than renewing my contract, I decided to start looking elsewhere. Rather than looking for yet another software job that I'd probably hate, I started looking at tech writing positions. It'd be a lot of working through a piece of software - both using it and looking at the code - and writing documentation, blog posts, etc. My biggest lead right now is actually for a company I used to work for, helping to write the curriculum for their certification program, similar to Microsoft's A+ cert.
+
+I've been writing and editing a lot lately. I've got a small publishing publishing company that I run (very small; only have three books out so far), and three books of my own out, with another one coming out in a few months. I figure since that's the direction my hobbies have gone, might as well find a synthesis of that and the thing I'm good at in terms of dayjobs. Tech writing sure as hell makes more money than publishing, after all.
+
+Things are going alright on my end other than that. Found a meds combination that is working really well for bipolar (and doesn't cause any more of those movement disorders!), and a hormone regimen that's been stable for a few years now. We went down to San Jose, CA around my birthday for a convention and to meet up with some of our polycule (if you graph them out, polyamorous relationships start to look like molecules, so the name has stuck). Was good to have a little vacation.
+
+James is doing alright as well, though he's moved to working almost entirely with property management and real estate these days, rather than machining. He's been working through some health fiascoes. Found out he was low on testosterone, and supplementing that helped out a ton. He was back to the James I met back in 2005 or so. Then he found out he has celiac disease, so we had to go gluten free. Now he's got twice the energy he used to, since his body is actually digesting nutrients.
+
+The dogs are both slowing down. They're getting pretty old (at least for German Shepherds), and both have arthritis. Still, they're happy and lazy. It seems like a good life. We also adopted a piece of shit cat, dumb as dirt and soft as hell. I love her.
+
+How are things on your end? Been a bit since we've caught up about the day-to-day stuff. Curious to hear how work is going. How's Maurine?
+
+It's a bit early yet, but happy upcoming birthday! Hope it treats you well.
+
+Love,
+
+Madison
diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/002.md b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3b497b63 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-23 +weight: 2 +--- + +> Why? + +Why what? + +> Why send this? Why email your dad? Why now? + +This project, mostly. + +> My fault? + +Well, maybe the book's. The possibility that he may wind up with a copy. + +I talk about my dad off and on during therapy. I suppose he comes up with some frequency because of all the hangups I still have. It seems like ever few months I'll discover a new one. + +> Ain't that just the way of things. + +I think it's a credit to my therapist, honestly. Were I paying all that money to simply go chat about my week with someone, getting nothing out of it but company, I'd feel quite let down by the whole process. That I'm coming away from sessions with improved understandings of myself is a good thing. + +That said, a lot of the time those therapy sessions where dad has come up have been productive mostly for me understanding the present through my past without necessarily moving forward. + +> Do you blame your therapist for that? + +Of course not. She's wonderful, and has helped me out a ton. + +I just also think that she's got a different approach to this than you do. Or I do. Whatever. + +> Whatever. + +On her end, she is happy to help me explore and offer suggestions, but she's less keen on beating me up. She is an ally, yes, but a bit more of a friend than you are. She is happy to help me move forward, but also happy to let me just learn. + +> "I think at some point I just need to accept that it's not worth the trouble trying to reconnect with him," you said. + +Yes, to which she responded, "I suppose that's true, though is that something you'd recommend others who are transitioning?" + +"Yes," was my immediate response. "At some point, with family, it has to be okay to make the cost-benefit analysis and decide whether it's even worth it to keep trying." + +> And did you make that analysis? + +Yes. + +> And was it worth it? + +No. + +> So, why the sudden change of heart? Why now? + +That Madison --- the one who struggled to square living earnestly with lying to dad --- is dying. She may have died already. Maybe she died on August 9th of last year, when she first decided to summon her ally. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/003.md b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2a3f6835 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-23 +weight: 3 +--- + +
Madison
+
+What a nice surprise. Thank you so much for all of the information and insights as to how you have been and are doing. I loved it!
+
+You happened to catch me down in Tucson. I come down here by myself when Maurine is working just to get used to working remotely with my work crew. It’s a bit clunky but the VPN and various tools make it doable. Hope one day in the not too distant future to be able to come down to Tucson for a few months over the winter months and work. I’d have to go back a week a month for meetings but otherwise I should be able to pull it off.
+
+Without being maudlin, I will always love you and am proud of you and your life. There are no thoughts here but good ones and hope that you are comfortable with our relationship. I’d love to hear from you more but know how life can get in the way. Maurine and I both had a great time seeing you two over Thanksgiving. I know the dinner was a bit over the top but I still think about the visits then. I hope to get out to Seattle again later this year and visiting you was on the top of my wish list. I often think of the times we both went through while you were growing up and I have to smile at the fun we had. Hopefully there is more ahead. You will always be a part of me.
+
+I know the burnout feeling. I can start to feel that creeping into my work routines. The clients seem to be more demanding and the work more of a grind. Luckily I have two employees that pick up a huge amount of the burden now. I hope to slowly turn much of the day to day stuff over to them. The problem is that Greg is still around and does little if any work. That salary stream keeps me from picking up the additional employee that I need to really step back and relax. Anyway, we have paid off both the Lakewood and Tucson houses so the slow retirement plan is starting to look like something that can be done. Now I just need to learn how to value my self-worth without it being tied to the company.
+
+Overall I still am pretty healthy. I am getting over a stomach reflux problem that was probably related to stress and my getting high. Got both of those sources under control and picked up my exercise routine. That has helped quite a bit. Only smoke a couple of hits at night now and that’s it. The exercise also seems to help the hand tremors that I have at times. The doctor thinks it was related to anxiety but the drug they prescribed did not go with my life. So I continually to learn to relax and take things easier. You’d think I would have learned all of this by now. Life can be a squirrely thing.
+
+Maurine is doing well and is probably closer to a retirement change than I am. They made her the shop teacher at the school so that has given her a new lease on work but she is getting tired of that also. The kids are not what they used to be. They talk back and argue with her constantly and many are really rude. She is lucky that she hasn’t lost her cool and slapped the shit out of one of them so far. As a result, she is going to let her teaching certificate expire next year so she has about a year and a few months left to work. I think she will probably become a substitute teacher and work part time. She will also be coming down to Tucson more. I told her that you wrote and she wanted to make sure that I let you know she says hi and is looking forward to seeing you again.
+
+A publisher – Who’da thunk.
+
+Love Dad
diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/004.md b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0217c907 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-23 +weight: 4 +--- + +> Is this what you were expecting? + +Not at all. Or perhaps some very small part of me was hoping for something like this, but it was one of those 'hope against all hope' type things. + +> What were you expecting? + +I suppose I was expecting something along the lines of what I got after my dumb-as-hell coming-out letter: an acknowledgment of receipt and thank you for the information. Perhaps I was expecting a phone call in return, and I'm not sure whether that would be better or worse than a response, no matter how curt. + +Were I to get a call, I would have frozen up and not been able to talk about anything of import. + +> And so what does this mean? + +I suppose it means a few things. + +It means that I was spending rather a lot of time catastrophizing. That I spent all of my time defaulting to the idea that he was somehow unwilling to engage with me on a very real level may have been informed by times in the past, but clearly is not the default. + +This, in turn, means that I need to somehow reorganize my conceptualization of my dad around this new version of reality. I was holding this picture of him in my head that was based solely on those times with him that left the strongest impression. My view of him was limited to the man I ran away from juxtaposed against the man who was finally able to interact with me on an equal level when we were able to drink together. It was not based on an interpretation of him as someone who was constantly improving --- constantly striving to improve --- and who, yes, may have been able to interact with me better as an adult but who nonetheless enjoyed the fact that I was his kid. + +> And? + +And it also means that there is far more that my dad doesn't know about me that I had first imagined. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/005.md b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a0f5530d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-23 +weight: 5 +--- + +Does my dad know that I'm trans? Does he truly, *truly* know? Does he accept it? + +Does my dad know know about HRT? About surgery? + +Does my dad know I'm poly? Is that something he has internalized? + +Does my dad know about self-harm? Does he know about suicide? Has he seen the scars? + +Does he know about you? + +> Does it matter? + +The joy that I felt at his response is tempered by a whole new set of anxieties. + +> Did you feel joy? + +Honestly? Yeah. + +It was a relief, in a way to see that he was not the dad I grew up with. That I could see change in him is not only something that's good for our relationship, but also something that makes me feel better about myself. It makes me think that I, too, have the ability to change, to grow and become a better person. + +> Was that in doubt? + +Yes. + +> Really? Given this project? The core theme of the death of Matthew? + +Oh yes. So many times when I was writing about that, it felt like I was writing about someone else. I feel so stuck sometimes. So static. It's easy to lose perspective until it's rubbed in your face. + +> Will you talk to him about your anxieties? + +Yes. After hearing back from him, I think I probably should, too. + +Just over time. + +Slowly. + +Carefully. + +> Take your time. diff --git a/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/_index.md b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c37690c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/dad/as/a/person/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#ddd' +color: '#111' +quote: '#444' +back: '/dad/11' +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/feedback.md b/writing/ally/feedback.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e4dce9ca --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/feedback.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +--- + +``` +Justin Coffman, [21.02.20 21:48] +Hey sweetheart. + +Justin Coffman, [21.02.20 21:49] +I just spent the last I don't know how long perusing ally.id. + +Justin Coffman, [21.02.20 21:49] +Your writing is amazing. + +Justin Coffman, [21.02.20 21:50] +And reading through all of that... I hope I've brought you happiness, in some way. + +Justin Coffman, [21.02.20 21:51] +God knows you deserve all the happiness you can get. + +Justin Coffman, [21.02.20 21:51] +And I hope that I can continue being a source of happiness for many years to come. +``` diff --git a/writing/ally/from-within/2.md b/writing/ally/from-within/2.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9be36b67 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/from-within/2.md @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 14 +background: '#333a18' +color: '#cdc' +quote: '#efe' +pulse_light: true +--- + +Somewhere around 2018, a friend of mine went mad. + +> Same one? + +Same one. + +> Let's talk about mania. + +Let's talk about *my* mania. + +> How long are your cycles? + +Three to five months. + +
It was toward the tail end of high school that I began to get plagued with depression and mood swings. + +I was a healthy collie. All the romance of a noble lineage had gone to my parents' heads, and there was simply no reason one of my standing should ever feel bad. Sure, the family had come on hard times financially, and Idaho had been an inexpensive refuge for us. Flyover state or no, we could keep our large house and happy lives. How could any dog be sad? + +And yet I was. I was in spades. I would swing down for a few months, life slowly losing its color, until I'd feel nothing except an ache behind my sternum, eating only mechanically, and only when reminded. + +Then it would pass. It would be dinner and I'd realize that I was actually really enjoying the curried chicken. I'd realize that it had been days since I'd thought about falling asleep and not waking up. I'd have energy. + +I'd have a bit too much energy. + +Mom would shrug and mumble something about boys. "Men in this family, always so moody. You'll grow out of it." + +I mostly kept it to myself. When I did share it with friends online, it was to commiserate in the "Parents, eh? What do they know?" style that never goes out of fashion among teenagers. + +Still, as awful as it was, I learned the rhythm of it. I'd spend a month or so feeling terrible, three months feeling pretty good, and then a month feeling great. + +Not just great, better than great. + +I'd spend all of my allowance in a week. I'd sleep three, four hours a night. I'd write page after page of backstory for my role-playing characters. I'd scribble ideas as fast as they came to me and still not be fast enough. + +I still have a folder of those ideas. They're illegible, unnerving. + +And then, over the course of a week at most, I'd be back underwater once more. + +Depression is a strange thing. + +I tried at several points to capture some sense of it in words, but nothing ever quite fit. Whenever I did, I found myself using a lot of ellipses just to fill in, textually, my fumbling for words with enough meaning. I came up with stuff like, "I dunno. My brain just isn't all me. Like...It's something else. It's there and exerts influence on me life, but it spends an inordinate about of time trying to destroy me." + +Or poetry. I tried to throw that at depression, too, but it just came out sounding stilted and weird. I'd wind up talking about fire a lot. Fire and birds, for some reason. + +Which was nonsense, really, but each in such a way that seemed to cover at least one small corner of depression. + +Depression is big. It's vast and terrible and empty. Completely empty, and there you are, in the middle of it, feeling bad about nothing. + +There's just no sense to it. No sense in trying to describe nothing. A ‘nothing' which is also nonsensical. + +And yet I keep trying. + +All these words...
+ +> Which came first, the lilac-scented words on bipolar disorder, or the furry fiction? + +Does it matter? + +> I suppose not, but humor me. + +The bit about words first. Then the bit about the dog. + +> Let's talk about mania. + +Again, hypomania. That's usually what I wind up in. + +> Let's talk about mania. + +Okay. diff --git a/writing/ally/from-within/3.md b/writing/ally/from-within/3.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..19f86e83 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/from-within/3.md @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 17 +background: "#283a26" +color: '#cdc' +quote: '#efe' +pulse_light: true +--- + +On two occasions, the world has slid away from me. + +> What does madness feel like from within? + +Oh, not madness. PNESes. + +> Lewd. + +I wince every time I say or type it. Even spelling it out still sounds crass. + +> Let's talk about mania. + +I'm working up to it. + +On two occasions, the world has slid away from me. My perception shrinks. Tunnel vision, yes, but just all of perception. My ears fill with static. My skin becomes fantastically sensitive. My vision narrows to the size of a quarter held at arm's length. + +My muscles stopped working. + +I fell. + +> JD thought it was the alcohol at first. + +Was it not? I was drunk. + +> It may have been, and yet you collapsed in the bathroom months later. You were wedged between the wall, the toilet, and the bathtub. You shook and shook and shook. + +JD came home and held me while I shook. I was sober, and it happened again. I sobbed and said that over and over again. I was sober and it happened again. + +I'm sorry for coming at this sideways. You're good at taking this in different directions than intended. + +> You're good at taking this in different directions than intended. + +Great. + +> I'm glad you showed the fortitude to tell me no, though. + +Careful, lady. Pride's a sin. + +Having experienced it from the outside, and having experienced the world sliding away from beneath me, there is some similarity between the two. + +And... diff --git a/writing/ally/from-within/4.md b/writing/ally/from-within/4.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..539d3dca --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/from-within/4.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 18 +background: "#082a16" +color: '#bcb' +quote: '#ded' +pulse_light: true +--- + +
Self-harm
+ +Let's talk about mania. + +> Finally. + +There's this rush. + +This wild-nights-wild-nights rush. + +There's this lack of foresight. + +There's this thinking of the goal instead of the path. + +There's this tinny scent to the air. There's this burning, burning sensation, burning. There's this pleasant static. + +And... diff --git a/writing/ally/from-within/5.md b/writing/ally/from-within/5.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..59546efc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/from-within/5.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 19 +background: "#082010" +color: '#aba' +quote: '#cdc' +pulse_light: true +--- + +> And? + +And were I to catch fire, the flames would feel like silk against my skin, against freshly-shaven skin. + +> And? + +And I feel like, were I to draw a blade along my limbs, to trace each long bone, each carpal, each tarsal, it would feel like ice, and the blood that came with would be my semen, and I would give birth to whole worlds through my flesh. + +> And? + +And if I stop, I'll surely die. + +> And? diff --git a/writing/ally/from-within/_index.md b/writing/ally/from-within/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5d644307 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/from-within/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 14 +background: '#333a18' +color: '#cdc' +quote: '#efe' +type: single +pulse_light: true +--- + +Somewhere around 2014, a friend of mine went mad. + +> That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? + +I really don't know how else to put the sensation of someone's reality not meshing with yours. The closest I can come is the feeling of shock and betrayal that I felt the first (and only) time I experienced an earthquake. + +> Do you feel that your friend betrayed you? + +Not intentionally. + +> Can betrayal be anything but? + +Did the earth intend betray me? Almost certainly not. Is it even capable of such? + +> And yet you feel it did. + +I have trust issues. + +> Well, yes. + +I trust that some parts of the world around me are static, inert. Or that they move so slowly as to be indistinguishable from such. That's balanced by just how much everything else moves. + +This static thing suddenly became something else. A gentle side-to-side motion became a more rapid wobble, lasting perhaps ten to fifteen seconds before fading quickly to stillness once more. In that time, I'd leaped from bed and dashed into the hallway, confused. I was just in the process of calling the dogs when it stopped. + +JD simply mumbled "Earthy-quake?" and fell back asleep. + +Three minutes later came a small aftershock, lasting no more than five seconds. + +> You raced to post it on Twitter, Mastodon, and Telegram, and fill out the I-Felt-It report like a good little Millennial. + +I have a type. I'll own that. + +Getting that call in 2014, hearing those words that spoke of a different reality. It was an earthquake. + +And... diff --git a/writing/ally/from-within/i-guess...md b/writing/ally/from-within/i-guess...md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a83e9430 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/from-within/i-guess...md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 20 +background: "#001a06" +color: '#aba' +quote: '#cdc' +pulse_light: true +--- + +I'm hypomanic now. + +> You're hypomanic now. + +It's not because of this. + +> It's not because of me. + +This is part of hypomania, but this is not because of it. + +> I am part of hypomania, but I am not because of it. + +I'm sorry. + +> I'm sorry. + +Let's go back, please. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/001.md b/writing/ally/furry/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..249cdb5a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 1 +tags: +- questions +- snarky +categories: +- furry +--- + +A lot of times, when furries talk, they talk about their fursoñas as their ideal selves. I've found that it's more likely that their fursoñas are them at their most normal, most natural, most earnest. + +It's strange that this venue seen as escapist by even its own members is basically just a means of exploring what it means to be earnest in an ironic world. + +> Is it? + +Every time I think we're living in a post-ironic world, the Internet proves me wrong. + +> I wouldn't know. + +Do you not experience irony? + +> A friend asks Maddy: what is irony? diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/002.md b/writing/ally/furry/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e0dc2be4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,56 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 2 +--- + +I talk up my style as frumpcore. *It's the synthesis of momcore and downtempo librarian,* I say. In reality, It's an intentionally garbage-y, thrown-together look designed to, I hope, lead onlookers' eyes to slide right off of me as unremarkable. + +> Ah yes, the invisible six-foot-one trans woman with purple hair. That tired old trope. + +While I've had fursoñas that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines. + +Ranna was a gay fox, a bit pudgy, with two tails he readily admitted were an early affectation to differentiate himself from countless other foxes. + +Makyo was intentionally a transfeminine vixen who didn't pass. + +Maddy's a dumpy, nerdy cis girl who dresses to hide her weight. + +> And Madison's a dumpy, nerdy transfeminine girl who doesn't pass and dresses to hide her weight? + +I suppose. + +> You don't give yourself enough credit. + +Is that your department, now? Cheering me on? + +> I'm your ally. + +But not my friend. + +> No, but I am your ally. + +Fine. How do I not give myself enough credit? + +> Firstly, you're not as invisible as you seem and frumpcore isn't seen as that cohesive from the outside. Secondly, you pass better than you imagine. Everyone tells you that, you just can't yet hear it. Finally, you just got done writing some heavy shit after a day of worrying about work, so of course you're down on yourself. You don't want to pass, remember? You want to be visibly trans. You want to be seen as the trans psychopomp you strive to be. + +...Wow. + +> Your very words set lie to your insecurities. Your fursoñas are yourself expressed more earnestly than you can manage in person. + +Thank you. + +> If you could become Maddy, would you? + +Yeah, in a heartbeat. + +> Why? + +You said it as well as I could. She's the front-stage persona I wish were also my back-stage persona. + +> And she's pretty. + +I mean, she's still a dumpy fat nerd. + +> Let's talk about kink. + +Oh for Christ's sake. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/003.md b/writing/ally/furry/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4f027f84 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-15 +weight: 3 +--- + +When I hit puberty, I wound up doing a good bit of digging to try and figure out just what it was that was going on. I mean, obviously, there was sex ed and stuff, but it's not like that's super comprehensive in the states. + +> In fifth grade, the teachers gathered the four classes together in one spot to show a video and give a short lecture on sex. That was the extent of it, before and at the beginning of puberty. + +Yeah, the video kept going on about how embarrassing puberty was. Boys getting erections and everyone laughing at them. Girls getting their period and everyone noticing. There was so much mortification built into the process. So much repression. The teachers hated it, the students picked up on it. The one woman teacher was asked if she could feel a man orgasm inside of her during sex. She haltingly said, "It's not like a fire hose or anything, but I guess so." + +> You memorized that. You thought about that forever. + +Yeah, maybe some genderful stuff going on there. + +> Let's talk about kink. + +Fuck *off*. + +> If were corporeal, I'd be be smirking. + +I'll just have to imagine it. + +So I turned to the internet to learn more, as one does. I found the delightfully-named Puberty101. Forums, chat, articles, stories... + +> And pedophiles? + +I'm sure of it. + +I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that. + +> Did you dig for that, too? + +Not this time. Or, well, not in months. Not since I found out he died. ODed? Not sure. I did dig it up it then, on Wayback. I saw us talking together. + +No. + +I saw Matthew and a dead guy talking together. I saw two kids in love. I saw too many names. + +> Did you learn about sex? + +I suppose. I learned about phone sex with Danny, at least. I miss that, actually. The tense silences, the little gasp, the embarrassed giggling that followed. I learned the theory if not the practice. + +I learned about the theory of sex, embedded deep within puberty, and then I learned about furry. + +> You learned about typefucking + +Boy howdy did I. + +[![TS logs over time](/ts-graph.png)](/ts-graph.png) + +> You are a parody of yourself. + +And proud of it. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/004.md b/writing/ally/furry/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6db55434 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-15 +weight: 4 +--- + +So, I think the order of my entry to furry was as follows: + +1. Find a furcode in someone's forum sig. + + > Oh my aching bones. + + Shut up, you're not that old, the internet just moves *really* fast. Besides, you don't have bones. +2. Find a furcode decoder. +3. Find Captain Packrat's page on furry. +4. Find Yerf!. +5. Make a dragon character. +6. This lasts three days. No one pays attention to me. Make a fox character. +7. Meet some furries on GovTeen (née Puberty101). +8. Start talking with furries on AIM. +9. Join FluffMUCK. + +> Ah yes, Fluff. May she rest in eternal solitude. + +She's not totally gone. I don't think. I actually haven't checked in a while. + +> I'm starting to doubt your commitment to nostalgia, here. + +What would I gain from such? + +> You could go look in the park. You could go ride around in the Universe-in-a-Box. You could `laston` some folks, maybe. + +Weirdly enough, of the people I would `laston`, I was finally reintroduced to a few not too long ago by, of all people, Zorin, head wiz of Fluff. Rela and GC. I was glad to see them doing well. + +> You were glad to see they were alive. + +I was glad to see they were alive, yes. That was around the time I had found the obituary for Danny. + +> You could `laston` Marek. + +I'm not sure I could take that. + +> Is that why you don't want to connect? + +It's one reason. Nostalgia is only so much fun. It's fun up until a certain extent, and then it becomes painful. + +> It's fun up until you're confronted with mortality and uncertainty. Danny died, and you don't know if Marek's alive. + +Yeah. + +It's no longer fun, but it's no less important. + +> Let's talk about Margaras. + +Not yet. + +> Danny's passing was an abstract thing. Maragaras' was much more immediate. Much more concrete and real. + +Please. + +> Take your time. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/005.md b/writing/ally/furry/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bb6c7465 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-15 +weight: 5 +--- + +The first furry I met, aside from Ash, was Osric. We went to see a movie. We were so painfully shy. + +> After seeing the movie, you drove him back to where he had parked, and you sat for a few moments in pained silence, then hugged and went your separate ways. + +Years later, I'd take a picture of him and his husband after his graduation that I think they still have. Years after that, his husband would officiate JD and I's wedding. + +> When was the last time you talked with either of them? + +Bel favorited a tweet of mine not too long ago. + +> You grew up. + +Yeah, we all grew up. We bought houses. We got jobs. + +JD and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them. + +> 'Loved'? + +I still do. Very much so. But every year, that love gets more abstract. More academic. + +Bel and I clicked on a sexual and nerdy level on which Os and I seemed to miss each other. I wasn't toppy enough for Os, and the nerdery --- minus, briefly, EVE --- was work, for him. + +> Eventually, it got that way with you, too. And then you started feeling uncomfortable with sex. + +Our relationships were organic. We met randomly. We drifted closer, orbited each other, and then we drifted apart. The same happened with friends from high school and university. The same happened with friends from the PN on FurryMUCK. + +From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met JD. + +Then I managed to make it to Anthrocon 2005. Then Further Confusion 2007. I was sold. + +There's this trope that pokes its head up every now and then, that there is an age-out date for furry. A time when you realize you're too old for this shit and peace. + +> When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. + +There is some of that, yes, but I like Qoheleth more than Paul. I like Ecclesiastes better than the epistles. + +> When you graduated high school, you stamped I Cor. 13 in your friends' yearbooks. + +When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. + +> Well played. + +There is a time for reaping and a time for sowing; there is a time for being a hardcore nutjob furry and a time for taking a break and just being a human for a while. + +> This, too, is meaningless. + +Well played. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/006.md b/writing/ally/furry/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dd4431ea --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: 6 +--- + +A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up. + +My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, [but my heart wasn't in it anymore](https://adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/). + +> There was a reason behind this. There were people behind this. + +Well, true. I don't know how to square that with...well, a lot of things. + +> You don't know how to square that with how you felt about those people at the time. + +That's one aspect, yes. I also don't know how to square that with the fact that I was growing too jaded in a lot more than just furry. I grew jaded at school. I grew jaded at work. I struggled with my relationships. I struggled. + +> You struggled with gender. + +Well, yes, but I wasn't quite ready to admit that, yet. + +> You struggled with self harm. + +Yes. + +> You struggled with the intersections, the interstices, and the liminal spaces. + +I was going to write about [a][s]. Where are you taking me? + +> Straight homeward to your symbol-essences. + +Shall I not die, then? + +> Isn't that the point of writing? + +I'm pretty sure all our names are writ on water at this point. + +> Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up. + +You're in a mood. + +> You're in a mood. + +Fine. + +Where are you taking me? + +> Let [a][s] speak for [a][s]. Let yourself speak for yourself. + +Okay. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/007.md b/writing/ally/furry/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a4e734ea --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: +--- + +> Who are you? + +I'm Madison Jesse Scott-Clary. + +> What are you? + +I...what? + +> Who are you? + +I answered you. + +> Tell me your names. + +I am Madison. I am Maddy. I am Makyo. + +> No Sarai? No Happenstance, or Younes? + +Sarai could die. I couldn't be her. Happenstance was a coping mechanism for gender. Younes was... + +> Tell me about Younes, then. That's where you started going before, right? + +Yeah, though you've certainly changed the tenor of it. The mood. + +> No one said this project would be easy. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/_index.md b/writing/ally/furry/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c7940de7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /13 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/00.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/00.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..48809d0b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/00.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 1 +--- + +
The following pages contain some flashing images (four per second) and brief glimpses of explicit furry art
diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/01.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4da3e363 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: Ranna +weight: 2 +date: 2019-08-14 +--- + +![Ranna](/fursonas/ranna.gif) diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/02.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4a87bf0c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: Makyo +weight: 3 +date: 2019-08-14 +--- + +![Makyo](/fursonas/makyo.gif) diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/03.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5810c8c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: Happenstance +weight: 4 +date: 2019-08-14 +--- + +![Happenstance](/fursonas/happenstance.gif) diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/04.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d550a6ed --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: Macchi +weight: 5 +date: 2019-08-14 +--- + +![Macchi](/fursonas/macchi.gif) diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/05.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eaa176fe --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: Ephah +weight: 6 +date: 2019-08-14 +--- + +![Ephah](/fursonas/ephah.gif) diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/06.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bb5d453d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: Younes +weight: 7 +date: 2019-08-14 +--- + +![Younes](/fursonas/younes.gif) diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/07.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/07.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f2c12e71 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/07.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: Maddy +weight: 8 +date: 2019-08-14 +--- + +![Maddy](/fursonas/maddy.gif) diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/08.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/08.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e19d5cdd --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/08.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +title: Sarai +weight: 9 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/fursona/_index.md b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e7df7ad --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/fursona/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /furry/2 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/margaras/00.md b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/00.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..118bf642 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/00.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: 1 +--- + +
Death
+ +Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012. + +> He died on the 6th. He just didn't know he was dead yet. + +May I post a log? + +> You ask your ally for permission? + +Alright. + +Watch the process of moving on. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/margaras/01.md b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a8f0db5a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,477 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: 2 +--- + +``` +Koray arrives from the foyer. +Koray murmurs, "Margaras would come here, yes?" +Kuttas says, "Possible. Who's asking?" +Koray murmurs, "A bearer of bad news" +Kuttas doesn't like the sound of that. +Kuttas says, "What happened?" +Koray murmurs, "http://www.obitmichigan.com/Obituary/13660/Ryan-Abbott" +Koray murmurs, "Which is him, I believe" +Kuttas says, "Fuck." +MegaWolf blinks. +Paladin barks, "It does look like him, without the glasses." +Koray murmurs, "Sorry... I didn't mean to bring ya down" +Koray murmurs, "I just thought you should all know" +Kuttas says, "Thank you." +Vetiver blinks. +Vetiver quorks, "Gotta be kidding me." +Koray nods. "Also, http://www.furaffinity.net/user/margaras/ if you wanna say anything." +Srass says, "HOw did it happen?" +Koray waves. +MegaWolf -.- http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-ryan-abbott-soldier-from-grand-rapids-dies-in-washington-20120911,0,6686609.story +Koray teleports away. +Koray has left. +Paladin barks, "Well, that first web page does identify him by name. Wow, that sucks." +Himmel._. +Himmel says, "GOddammit." +Vetiver sighs. That's unbelievable. +Vetiver quorks, "Dammit." +Himmel says, "That... fucking sucks. ._." +Cain frowns so fucking hard +Kuttas says, "I'd noticed he hadn't been around in a while..." +Srass says, "Well, he was a little more scarce of late, but..." +Zhorah rumbles, "Wait, what happened?]\" +Srass says, "He was on as recently as 9/3." +Srass says, "Margaras died." +Himmel says, "It doesn't specify." +Kuttas says, "Car wreck." +MegaWolf growls softly, "He'd only started being active again in the past few years. -.-" +Zhorah rumbles, "o.o" +Himmel says, "A car wreck?" +Himmel says, "Seriously?" +Vetiver never met him in person, but he's been a friend here for over a decade. :( +Kuttas says, "Yeah" +Cain curls up, is no ofuckingkaywith this +MegaWolf growls softly, "I"ve pretty much known him ever since I've been here" +Kuttas says, "That's what the second link said." +MegaWolf squeezes Cain tightly. +Paladin is surprised that whoever wrote the first obituary knew his online name to include it. +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh fuck." +Kuttas misses that the first time through. +Dachande. Fuck :( That's just awful. +Himmel nods. +Zhorah hmmm +Cain hides in xane +Zhorah curls around Kuttas. +MegaWolf yips +Duelist rubs the back of his head. +Dralen acks, "That's awful. Wut..." +Cain doesn't know what to think. Margs was awesome. missing doesn't even begin to describe... +Vetiver is just kind of in shock. +Srass says, "I looked up the Michigan Patriot Guard. They sound pretty damn awesome." +Dachande. not really sure what to say about it, really lost someone good. +Vetiver hugs Dachande. :( +MegaWolf growls softly, "This is actually the first time someone close to me online has died, so I'm just... I don't know." +Dachande. hugs and holds. +Paladin barks, "We've had other furry deaths. Cyno, Furp ..." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I do wonder how many of the ones who quietly faded away are dead." +Paladin barks, "I would wager a few, Megs." +Cain nods to Xane and noses in as well. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Yeah, I'd barely even heard of Furp until he died. I guess he was really popular but I'd seen him on IRC a few times and that's it." +Vetiver knew Furp, but Margaras was much more of a presence here, so it hits harder. +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, Margs was a regular here." +Himmel says, "You don't know how you are?" +Dachande. says, "Yeah never knew Furp, Margs i've kown for a damn long time." +Himmel nudges Mega. +MegaWolf nips Himmel. +Srass says, "I've lost one other friend my own age, someone I knew in person, but somehow this hit harder." +Cain woofs, "it just feels unreal..." +Srass says, "Yeah, it does." +Himmel leans on Mega. +Dralen dated Cyno. Knew Margaras for years. Knew Kedri really well, +Vetiver wonders if Margaras ever met anyone from FM in person. I don't think he did. :/ +Kuttas says, "I keep thinking, I wish I'd gone to Seattle in January, like I'd planned." +You yerf, "Vetiver: Rustitobuck." +Kuttas says, "Equis." +Vetiver quorks, "Oh, good." +Cain woofs, "I'm trying to reach Equis right now" +Kuttas hehs. Left voicemail... c.c +Zhorah dun know anyone from here's number +Himmel says, "I texted him." +Himmel says, "And tweeted." +Kuttas says, "Well, hell. He's gonna have a lot of messages from us, apparently..." +JanusFox yips, "Wait... wtf..." +Kuttas pets Djirin, smiling a little. +JanusFox yips, "No :(" +JanusFox yips, "fuck." +Vetiver quorks, "Always thought he was a really nice guy. He seemed to be a little directionless for a few years, when he was pretty scarce around here, but joining the army seemed to change things for him." +Srass says, "He always seemed so fascinatingly enigmatic to me..." +Kuttas nods. +Srass says, "And he had one of the cooler names I ever ran across. Sanskrit for 'hunter.'" +Kuttas says, "Heh. I didn't know that." +Srass says, "He didn't either when he first picked it out -- I forget where he said he did find it." +Kuttas says, "He's one of the only people here I was immediately comfortable with." +MegaWolf chuckles softly. "And apparently he never updated his pinfo, since about 1999..." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'd forgotten he wasn't always lynxy" +Srass says, "His prism cat form was pretty. :)" +Himmel says, "Srass: Rudyard Kipling." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh I got something for that. Known Margs for years....right? Whitest guy in the world, I mean, ya know, look at the pic, right? Kept me in funk-drumming rhythms forever. I mean, funk drumming. Not kidding. He gave me, like 4 funk-drumming music books." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Yus. Now I remember it." +Kuttas says, "He mentioned a while back that he thought he should update it." +Vetiver quorks, "That's about when I first met him here." +JanusFox yips, "Is that really him? That's for sure him right?" +Vetiver quorks, "Yeah." +Duelist growls quietly, "You say enigmatic and I do not disagree, but man, that lynx was dynamic." +MegaWolf growls softly, "The birthday in his pinfo matches, too." +Himmel says, "The Michigan Obituary mentions him by name. Online." +Kuttas says, "The obituatry names him as 'Margaras'/" +JanusFox is stunned. +Vetiver thinks we all are. +Acy arrives from the foyer. +Acy barkbark. +Himmel is just... sad. +Acy nose MegaRuff; SpookyFox. +JanusFox yips, "He was too fucking nice to die :((" +Kuttas says, "Acy: http://tinyurl.com/92fgx2d" +Floid says, "It's almost like someone in training said 'this is what you're going to do with the rest of your life.'" +MegaWolf squeezes Acy real tight. +Acy says, "Wow, that's pretty fucked up.. o.o" +Kuttas says, "I'm glad he'll be buried with honors." +Himmel nods. +Eibon has left. +You yerf, "Not doing well with this, gonna sneak. Keep being excellent. Will stay and listen 'til I time out." +Cain hugs Makyos +Srass squeezes Makyo's shoulder. +Kuttas ruffles Makyo. +Floid whispers, "Floid extremehugs." to you. +Mundy says, "Looks like Equis got the message(s)." +Dralen nodnods, "He tweeted." +Acy snickers a little. "He drove out to Chicago not long after I broke up with my ex. We saw Mitch Hedberg." +Acy says, "Nothing about cause of death." +Srass says, "Car crash." +JanusFox yips, "Car accident with a guard shack at 5am." +Srass points to http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-ryan-abbott-soldier-from-grand-rapids-dies-in-washington-20120911,0,6686609.story +Acy says, "Oh." +JanusFox yips, "Whatever that means." +Srass says, "It could be anything. Sudden loss of consciousness, problem with his vehicle, swerving to avoid hitting something..." +Kuttas says, "http://tinyurl.com/8tgj9y7" +Srass says, "There's something gauche about putting 'more faces of meth' and 'a century of sex symbols' in a sidebar next to that article." +Acy says, "If it bleeds it leads!" +Srass says, "Fucking media." +Dachande. says, "That's local news for ya." +Dralen says deeply, "At 5am, eh? Probably fell asleep at the wheel." +Duelist growls quietly, "There is other news....it's just....strange." +JanusFox yips, "I will really, really miss that lynx." +Acy says, "Other strange news?" +Duelist - http://www.kirotv.com/news/news/soldier-killed-fiery-unexplained-crash-jblm-guard-/nR4ys/ +Duelist growls quietly, "It's...the first article before names were known and such" +Duelist growls quietly, "It's just bizarre." +Kuttas says, "10 Sep, they were still investigating." +Duelist growls quietly, "This is a 6 Sep article." +Floid says, "Maybe the NSA just decided to terminate their unnecessary furry-monitoring persona." +Malkoten blinkblinks? Margs? +Srass says, "Yeah." +Vetiver really hopes that wasn't a...deliberate crash. :( +Srass says, "Me too. o.o" +Malkoten not happy. :( +Acy says, "It very well could have been." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I don't like the first comment on that article." +Acy fallsover. +MegaWolf growls softly, "But it does make it seem more accidental" +Dachande. says, "First comment says that guard tower is easy to hit and has been before due to being poorly lit." +Kuttas says, "Jesus." +JanusFox yips, "At 4am after being on base, all he was thinking of was going home." +Duelist growls quietly, "I think he lived on base" +JanusFox yips, "Ah." +JanusFox yips, "He had access to firearms anyway... why chance it." +JanusFox yips, "Had to be an accident." +Cain woofs, "what the hell are you people talking about" +Dralen says deeply, "Margaras was killed in a car accident." +Kuttas says, "He lived in the barracks." +Cain woofs, "no, I mean the conspiracy type bs" +Cain woofs, "not the time to spin yarns" +Dachande. says, "From the video it looks to be a pretty shitty location for that building." +Kuttas says, "Most guard shacks are in bad places for a building." +Dachande. nods, "They are designed to be in the way. Bleh." +Floid says, "I just figure he would've enjoyed me keeping it weird." +Cain woofs, "yeah, well, I guess you're right... :/" +JanusFox sigh, "Fuck." +JanusFox changes a few array pointers around and ends up someplace else. +JanusFox has left. +Duelist growls quietly, "Well, we got, like 25 people here who come here regularly and each one is gonna handle something like this differently, so lets be respectful and not jump on one another." +Duelist growls quietly, "We're all gonna have a bit of a hair trigger for awhile." +Malkoten goes straight to denial *nodnods* +Vetiver snugs Malkoten. +Cain is just reallyunhappyisall +Himmel puts an arm 'round Cain. +Srass says, "You're not alone." +Kuttas says, "Heh. He -was- my MOS series. 94Y." +KurtMRufa headshakes. +Kuttas sighs. +Dralen smooches on Kuttas and cuddles him and Srass together, stroking backs and shoulders. +Srass squeezes Dralen. +Kuttas hugs Dralen and Srass. +Dachande. Huh, sunofabitch woot has a good deal on a damascan steal santoku +Dralen is extra super sleepy after an incredibly elaborate Izakaya dinner tonight. "Time for sleep, folkses." +Srass says, "Sleep well." +Kuttas says, "Rest well." +Djirin slinks to bed as well. gooses about +Djirin has left. +Dralen says deeply, "Also, if you ever get the chance for lobster sashimi. Take it." +Dralen meeps and flees. +Dralen swishes his tail, and is gone. +Dralen has left. +Kyhwana arrives from the foyer. +Kyhwana mrps and noses Srass "What happened? :( +Vetiver quorks, "Margaras died last week." +Duelist growls quietly, "I think its time for a drink." +Kia says, "..." +Kyhwana guessed as much, what happened? :( +Srass says, "He apparently drove into an abandoned guard shack. They're still trying to figure out why." +Kyhwana ohs "Damn. +Kyhwana curls up on Srass and whipmers +MegaWolf nuzzles Kyhwana +Srass hugs Kyhwana. +Malkoten nods, pretty much the reaction everyone is having. +Kyhwana nuzzles back. +Vetiver quorks, "Just seems unreal somehow." +Duelist growls quietly, "It does!" +Duelist got no idea what to do or say or anything. +Srass nods. +Srass says, "Duelist's right. This does call for a drink." +Himmel says, "There's nothing to do or say." +Mundy says, "Equis is probably a dozen drinks ahead of everyone" +Kuttas says, "I know what to say. He was a damned fine man, a damned good friend, and I'm going to miss him like hell." +Vetiver nods. +Srass says, "Equis is a dozen drinks ahead of everyone on a good day." +Srass nods to Kuttas. +Himmel says, "I feel the same way. But I can't imagine anyone here -doesn't-." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, but this is sucky and tragic and un-called for." +Srass nods. +Duelist growls quietly, "That's kinda the problem with a crowd like this tho, ya know a 'relatively new' population...." +Duelist growls quietly, "I mean, it's gonna be 50-60 years before we say 'awww yeah, but he was 96 years old, it was his time' kinda thing." +Srass nods. "This was wrong. It was far too early." +Himmel says, "It's always too early." +Kyhwana bleh, shouldn't have just chekced his logs. +Srass says, "Your logs?" +Kyhwana purrrs, "MUCK logs." +Kyhwana purrrs, "Well, technically it's a single log." +Kuttas says, "Equis just said a few minutes ago that he needed a drink now." +Himmel is going to go to bed. He's sad. He'll feel sad for a while. +Kuttas hugs Himmel. "Rest well, cat." +Himmel says, "You, too, Yena, when you do." +Himmel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Himmel has left. +Mundy wants to see his toothycat now. :P +Zhorah doesn't know how to feel +Duelist growls quietly, "Well, a lot of us are probably rather numb at the moment." +Kuttas will probably be grepping logs before long. Remembering what good times got recorded. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hence the whole 'I dunno what to do, say, feel' thing...." +Kyhwana does, he's sad! +MegaWolf thinks he should go to bed. +Kyhwana snugs MW +Cain is going to go sleep too. Coughing worse the later he stays up +1) Duelist 2 days ago -- Fallout IRL! +2) Makyo Today -- Margaras +Use 'read 'to list a message. Use 'read ' to list +messages with a keyword. Use 'read -' to read the next message. +Done. +MegaWolf squeezes Kyhwana extra tight +2) Makyo Today -- Margaras +From: Makyo 22:26:18 09/14/12 PDT + +For those who do not yet know, Margaras passed away in a car accident on Sept. 6, and folks in the PN were notified Sept 14. Here is the obituary: http://www.obitmichigan.com/Obituary/13660/Ryan-Abbott +Personal bit, please feel free to skip --- +He's one of those people that helped raise me in a way. Not intentionally, of course, but in the way of an older friend, sort of like how I imagine an older brother helps to raise younger siblings. Just sort of accidentally leading the way without really knowing any better. I never had older siblings, and circumstances of my childhood and adolecense led me to seek out those who could play that role. +I don't really know what that means about me, to be honest, that I sought out such a connection in such a place. I think I've always craved someone in that role, of course, and having leadership more ready to admit fallabilty than my parents felt...refreshing, comforting, something. Not that everyone's ready to admit fallability, but the ability to even talk about changes in life, even if they're for the negative, really adds a lot more human-ness, a lot more personality to someone in a guiding role than either of my parents offered when I was growing up. +Anyway, I'm so glad for the time I had with him. I'm sad now, sure, but I'll always remember him happily. Remember singing "K A L A M A Z O Oh what a gaaaal...in Kalamazoooo" at him in high school when my choir sang that song, remember talking about music and all the day to day things in life. There are a lot of people who fit into this role for me, and I'll be sad to see every one of them leave, no matter how they do so, but for tonight, cheers, Margaras. +All my love. + +Done. +Cain noses on Xane +MegaWolf kisses Cain's nose, snouts Makyo +Kuttas hugs Makyo. +Makyo snootles folk, ahem. REALLY goes to bed now :o) +Cain teleports away. +Cain has left. +Zhorah feels bad about memories he does have +Rigel has connected. +Rigel oopses. +Rigel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Rigel has left. +Malken has disconnected. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +KurtMRufa teleports away. +KurtMRufa has left. +Somewhere on the muck, KurtMRufa has disconnected. +Sturgis arrives from the foyer. +Duelist whips out his hockey stick. He 'skates' up to a sleeper, winds up and lets a slapshot go! +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Malken raises a warding finger, and says serenly,"Do not bother, I can provide my own transportation." He then disappears in a swirl of darkness. +Malken has left. +Acy has disconnected. +Acy has connected. +Acy urph. +Kyhwana noses Acy +Acy rubs Kyhwana behind the ears. +Kyhwana mewls +Acy has disconnected. +Duelist bedtime! G'nite all +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Sturgis winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Sturgis has left. +Kyhwana loafs all over Srass +Srass petpets catloaf. +Kyhwana purrup +Dachande. going to go to bed as well, good night ya'll. +Dachande. teleports away. +Dachande. has left. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Vetiver goes home. +Vetiver has left. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah back +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Kuttas' beer is being most uncooperative. +Srass says, "How so?" +Kuttas says, "Well, to start with, it's not a twist top. Then, the it broke my bottle opener. Then, the bottle opener on my leatherman wouldn't fit." +Kuttas says, "In the end, though, it turns out there's a second bottle opener on the leatherman that -does- fit." +Srass says, "That's one stubborn beer." +Srass says, "A second bottle opener...?" +Kuttas says, "Yeah." +Kuttas says, "This is the SOG folding multitool they issued me at my last duty station in the Army. Apparently, they meant business when it came to beer. c.c" +Srass says, "Damn. o.o" +Kuttas drinks to Lynx. +Malkoten rumbles, "I think that I am off to bed. G'night folks." +Srass says, "'Night." +Kuttas says, "Good night." +Kuttas says, "Rest well." +Malkoten will do. +Malkoten winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Malkoten has left. +Kyhwana ponders cracking a beer even though he was hung over most of today +Srass emails Kyhwana a Negra Modelo. +Kuttas faxes an Alaskan Oatmeal Stout. The long distance charges are worth it. c.c +Srass mmms, oatmeal stout. -.- +Kyhwana mmms +Kuttas hand-delivers one to Srass. +Srass oohs! :3 +Singe arrives from the foyer. +Fiend Plushie bounds in after Singe. +Singe slinks, sprawls. +Srass raises a glass to departed cats, and drinks. +Kuttas raises, taps on the table, and drinks deeply. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Srass says, "I've heard it said that everybody's tastes are different." +Kuttas gives exactly 0d0+0 fucks. He likes it. +> Kuttas rolls 0d0+0 and gets for a result of 0. +Kuttas points. "That many." +Srass says, "We really don't need any more deaths around here. :-P" +Kyhwana has some weird fruit sour beer thing in the fridge. +Srass says, "Like a lambic or something?" +Kyhwana purrrs, "Except brewed here.." +Srass aahs. +Singe growls, "Margaras died? :(" +Srass says, "Yeah." +Kuttas says, "Singe: http://tinyurl.com/92fgx2d" +Singe growls, "jeez" +Singe growls, "what happened? :(" +Kuttas says, "Early morning single-vehicle wreck. Collided with a building." +Singe sighs. +Singe growls, "feeling more and more lucky by the da" +Singe growls, "day" +Kyhwana didn't follow him on twitter or vice versa, so can't see his tweets :( +Srass says, "His last post on LiveJournal has a really jawdroppingly gorgeous picture in it, though." +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has disconnected. +Paladin barks, "Of himself?" +Kuttas says, "Whose?" +Srass |http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m170/margaras/Vacation-Jun2012/TwinFalls1.jpg +Srass says, "Of where he went on vacation, apparently." +Kuttas ahs. +Kuttas says, "Firefox is being retarded, trying to load it via HTTPS. This is pissing me off." +Kuttas says, "Yeah, that's a nice photo..." +Srass says, "Well. What an unbelievably shitty way to start a weekend." +Kuttas hugs Srass and leans. +Srass hugs Kuttas. +Srass says, "Okay, I'm going to have to go to sleep, whether I like the idea or not. Good night, gentlemen." +Kyhwana snugs Srass "Night +Srass hugs Kyhwana. +Srass steps behind a molecule. +Srass has left. +Kyhwana lifts up the rug and pushes all the sleepers under it.. he jumps on it a few times and the rug goes flat +Acy is sent home. +Acy has left. +Zhorah is sent home. +Zhorah has left. +Singe leans on Paladin. +Paladin cuddles Singe softly. "Have some pizza." +Singe growls, "saving it for tomorrow night" +Singe growls, "don't feel like sectioning olives right now" +Paladin just got some now! You can have some of his! +Singe eats. +Paladin barks, "Nom nom nom!" +Singe earperks. "someone made A Wrinkle In Time into a graphic novel. ._." +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaks in +Kyhwana picks up Scruff and puts him in his lap and petpets +Scruff dangles, briefly, then nestles in against leopardtummy +Scruff halfcurls against one of Kyh's paws +Kyhwana petpets Scruff some more and sighs +Scruff mrow? What's up? +Kyhwana points at the board? +Scruff ;.; +Kuttas says, "I think I'm gonna go to bed." +Kuttas says, "Try to have a good night, friends." +Kyhwana snugs Kuttas too "Night +Kuttas hugs. +Kuttas sneakyhyenas into the shadows. c.c +Kyhwana ruffles scruff headfur +Scruff wriggles a bit closer against the leopardkitty. "It's really not fair, he was such a nice guy!" +Kyhwana nods.. +Felder arrives from the foyer. +Felder whuffles to all +Kyhwana purrrs, "Hey Felder" +Felder mindsends, "Hi Kyh" +Felder flops onto a seat and sighs out +Scruff pads over to Felder, winds around his legs +Felder hugs on Scruff tight +Scruff has disconnected. +Scruff has connected. +Scruff bites his connection. +Scruff pads over to Feldy, winds around his legs +Felder hugs on Scruff again +Scruff nosebumps pn0y and leopardkitty, sneaks out for a bit. Gotta head into London for a few hours! +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +Felder winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Felder has left. +Kyhwana erfs +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Kyhwana snugs Zephs +ZeitOtter arrives from the foyer. +ZeitOtter actually lives though he's been gone for nearly half a year +Kyhwana purrrs, "Hey Zeit" +ZeitOtter says, " so many new faces other than Singe. " snickers " and Mundy as well as Floid. " teases " Oldies. "" +Kyhwana noses Zeit at the board. And Zeph too. +Zeph hugs him some Kyhmew! +ZeitOtter says, " So what's been going on eh? " +Kyhwana clings to Zephs +ZeitOtter says, " Heh, lovely" +Singe rolls his eyes somehow. +Kyhwana eyes Singes eyes +Singe growls, "Margaras died. :(" +Zeph mews, "Wait, what?" +Kyhwana nods +Singe growls, "I am told it was a car accident." +Kyhwana ers "Makyo's post on the board. +Zeph mrf. No more lynx. +JanusFox arrives from the foyer. +Zeph squeezes on SpookyFox. +JanusFox hugs Zeph. +ZeitOtter has disconnected. +Mundy has disconnected. + +You have been logged out due to inactivity. +% Connection to furry closed by foreign host. +``` diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/margaras/02.md b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f4bca5d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,1094 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: 3 +--- + +``` +% Trying to connect to furry: 74.207.243.108 8889. +% Connected to furry. +#$#mcp version: "2.1" to: "2.1" +Welcome to + _____ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ , SM + / ' ' ) ) ) ' ) / / ) ' ) / + ,-/-, . . __ __ __ , / / / / / / /-< + (_/ (_/_/ (_/ (_/ (_/ / ' (_ (__/ (__/ / ) + / + ' + The first 99 & 44/100% anthropomorphic/Furry TinyMu* + +(The SM means that FurryMuck is a Service Mark of the FurryMuck Wizards) +To connect to your existing character, type "connect ". +To receive a new character, send mail to join@furrymuck.com +To see the latest news, type "news" after connecting to a character. +To disconnect from a character, type "QUIT". +Use the WHO command to find out who is currently online. +Use the 'whereare' command to find places with active people. +Use the 'wizzes' command to see what Wizards are on line, or the 'helpstaff' + command to see who of the help staff is on. +Use "connect guest guest" to visit FurryMUCK as a guest. +All users of FurryMuck are bound by our AUP. "NEWS AUP" to read this document. +---- + +Sadly, FurryMuck has lost one of its own. + +S'A'Alis, May 29, 1963 -- September 5, 2012, the Large Furry Marsupial, and a +member of the L'Drey, a space-faring, fox-like species. He was never without his +'Eternally Filled Highly Caffeinated Coffee Mug of Doom'. From 1993 - 1999, +S'A'Alis hosted the servers that FurryMUCK ran on, and was a character creation +wizard 1993-2001. Condolences can be sent to his beloved wife, IceWolf: + +M. Vogt, W5910 Genske Road, Black Creek, WI 54106 + +Life is eternal, and love is immortal, +and death is only a horizon; +and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. + -Rossiter Worthington Raymond + +---- +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +Makyo stretches out and yawns toothily, shaking Makyo's fur out. +Players online for whom you are watching: +Danish Makyo Taxus +Done. +The next scheduled database save will be in 24 mins, 14 secs. +You place a strategic call to one deity or another. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Purple Nurple Foyer(#52464RLJ) +You step in through the door and into a cramped foyer. Advertising +posters plaster the walls and there's another door right in front +of you (east). The door is padded purple vinyl, studded in a diamond +pattern. This is the Purple Nurple, Furrymuck's gay/les/bi nightclub +and meeting place. Feel free to come on in if you are straight too.. we +don't bite (unless you ask nicely ;) There is a sign on the wall next to +the door and a notice where the computer used to be, saying that it's now +in the main room. +Players inside the Nurple: + TealFox Floid MegaWolf Srass + White_Fox Cain JanusFox Singe +[Exits: to the Purple Nurple to Sable Street] +Contents: +Polo +PN RULES : READ THIS TO BE ABLE TO ENTER +You enter the PN +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +The Purple Nurple +You are in the Purple Nurple, furry's premier gay/les/bi spot. +The room is large, a converted warehouse - the ceiling's +about fifty feet above the crowded floor. An entire suspended +lighting grid swivels back and forth in the middle of the room, +rigged with a complex array of lights, lasers and mirrors. +The overall effect is of an alien spacecraft hovering about twenty +feet over the dance floor. Huge projection wall-screens flicker +images of furries dancing, clips from anime movies, computer +graphics reels and old cartoons. The music is loud, thumping +techno and house, bass thundering through the gyrating furries +on the dance floor. +To one side is a lounge area, acoustically out of the main thrust +of the speaker stacks allowing normal conversation. A bar with +every drink known is along the wall of the lounge, and +the floor is scattered with heavy-duty beanbag chairs, funky couches, +and other assorted furnishings, all roomy enough for at least two furs. +A small staircase leads up to the Nurple Apartments. +Contents: +TealFox +Floid +MegaWolf +Srass +White_Fox +Cain +JanusFox +Fiend Plushie +Singe +All complaints --> Rigel +NURPLE ADULT/PG POLICIES ****** PLEASE READ +Bulletin Board +You whisper, "Makyo hugs on fox." to TealFox. +Miko arrives from the foyer. +Makyo nuzz on SQRL. +Miko fluffs the foxyfluff. +TealFox whispers, "TealFox hugs tightly. :(" to you. +You whisper, "Makyo leans in against, squeeze. Rrf." to TealFox. +White_Fox has connected. +White_Fox has disconnected. +Singe hugs Miko! +Miko squeezes Singe! +Singe growls, "poor margaras :(" +TealFox whispers, "TealFox just got the news a little bit ago... still shaken," to you. +JanusFox sighs, "Yah poor guy :( +Cain curls up tight on xane again +Miko chatters, "What, huh?" +Miko o.o +TealFox knew him before either of us were in the fandom. I ... yeah. no words right now. Just tears, +You whisper, "Makyo nods and nuzz at. Little torn upabout it." to TealFox. +1) Duelist 2 days ago -- Fallout IRL! +2) Makyo Today -- Margaras +Use 'read 'to list a message. Use 'read ' to list +messages with a keyword. Use 'read -' to read the next message. +Done. +You yerf, "Miko: read 2" +Cain holds Teal close +Miko cries. +TealFox whispers, "TealFox nods. yeah, me too." to you. +TealFox snugs Miko too +Miko hugs TealFox! +Srass says, "That was a nice post, by the way, Makyo." +Singe nods. +You yerf, "Spelled fallibility wrong twice :o)" +White_Fox erfs. :/ +You yerf, "Oh well." +Srass says, "We know what'cha mean." +You yerf, "I started coming around here when I was 14. You all mean quite a bit to me." +TealFox snugs Makyo. "Intent comes through. " +Singe growls, "I think I was 16 when I first showed up here." +Singe growls, "Maybe 17" +FoxLord arrives from the foyer. +FoxLord waves +Srass waves +FoxLord snugsa Tealfoxie +Singe mmhs. +Srass says, "I wish I could've grown up here like that. I think I would've ended up less screwed up." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I think I'm still in denial." +Cain nods and noses at Xane ears +MegaWolf muzzlerubs Cain, squeezes more. +TealFox didnt really start discovering my self until late...i didnt come out until like 23... and didnt find the fandom till almost 30. i knew Margaras pre fandom on some of the IRC chat channels. :/ +White_Fox murrs, "I met margsy right after meeting Malky. " +White_Fox murrs, "Whl happened to be local :) Good peoples" +White_Fox murrs, "Miss him. :/" +Pyat arrives from the foyer. +Pyat squeaks +JanusFox yips, "It's just so sudden. And he's usually around so often." +Somewhere on the muck, Taxus has disconnected. +Singe growls, "yeah" +Pyat squeaks unhappily. Margaras? +Cain woofs, "Margs gave me a good bit of selfconfidence in areas I really didn't have. It'll always be a good memory for me" +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has connected. +FoxLord barks, "what happened to marg?" +Singe growls, "car crash" +FoxLord barks, "No." +Pyat thinks Margaras' family would be glad to know people are coming together to remember him in odd places +"Physics," Floid summarizes. +FoxLord snorts +Pyat has left. +Polo arrives from the foyer. +Singe growls, "jackal" +JanusFox yips, "I wonder if they'll ever figure out what happened." +Miko watches yesterday's QI on Margy's behalf. +Singe likes QI. +Floid says, "So, uh, did anyone tell Paf?" +Srass dunno Paf. +KurtMRufa arrives from the foyer. +Singe hasn't talked to Esel in ages. +Srass hugs Kurt. +KurtMRufa nosenoses on Srass. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +White_Fox has disconnected. +Rommel arrives from the foyer. +Rommel yips, "Good Morning." +Srass says, "Morning." +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Dachande. arrives from the foyer. +Duelist chrp. +Dachande. enters! for a chane. +Dachande. g +Srass earscritches Duelist. +Duelist licks Srass! +TealFox mrf +MegaWolf noses D&D +Polo yaaaawns and picks up Rommel to flop on Dachande. +Rommel yips? "Oh! Good morning Polo." +Dachande. wheeze squeaks from all the weight on him. +Polo is very light, though the fennec's a bit tubby ;) +MegaWolf fluffs Rommel +Polo says, "Wrecked today, had a bilobial migraine. x.x" +Rommel Sticks an ice pick into Polos ear to make it feel better? +Rommel has been fortunate. I once had an "Ocular Migraine". the Funny lights without the pain. +Polo says, "Oh, it's gone, but left me exhausted." +Rommel Ahs and removes the Ice pick then. :) +TealFox has disconnected. +Cain is gonna run +Cain hugs around +Cain teleports away. +Cain has left. +Polo says, "Oh, I get those fairly often, or other single-focus ones. This, alas, was my entire brain spazzing out. Like an electric storm... random memories, talking nonsense to myself, sounds, lights and much much much pain." +Polo says, "I get them very rarely." +TealFox has connected. +TealFox winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +TealFox has left. +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Puc mewfs. Morning +Srass says, "Morning." +Makyo swish. +Duelist licks you! +Miko picks Puc up and applies pettings. +You lick Duelist! +Himmel arrives from the foyer. +Himmel flops. +You yerf, "Cats." +Puc mrarfs, droops, soaks up squirrel lovins. "Hey :)" +Miko pets Himmel with Puc. +Rommel yips, "I am sorry to hear that. I have known several people RL that get shut down by them completely." +Himmel curls up to Miko. +Miko puts an arm around Himmel and sits Puc on his other shoulder. +Puc chuckles and leans against whosever neck is closest. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Polo snuggles up with Rommel the eardog, and gently noms his ears, "How are you keeping, trouble? :)" +Rommel is doing well. Has been slow week. Which is good I suppose. +Polo says, "Opposite of me then." +Polo says, "I would like a slow week soon :)" +Srass has disconnected. +Makyo wrf, disc golf time. +Puc wanna go disc golfing! +Duelist growls quietly, "Fox on a golf course!" +Duelist has seen that somewhere before.... +KurtMRufa has disconnected. +KurtMRufa has connected. +KurtMRufa makyonose. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "Morning, Kia." +JanusFox has had foxes following him during golf, but that's a different matter. +Himmel says, "Or, well." +Himmel says, "Afternoon, for you." +Duelist whips out his hockey stick. He 'skates' up to a sleeper, winds up and lets a slapshot go! +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Srass is sent home. +Srass has left. +White_Fox is sent home. +White_Fox has left. +Kia says, "..." +Himmel says, "Oh, don't start this." +Floid makes IT housecall now. Whee. +Floid has disconnected. +Mundy arrives from the foyer. +Malkoten arrives from the foyer. +Malkoten yawns +FoxLord mmms Disc Golf +Mundy gooses Duelist! +Duelist O.O +Mundy :O +Puc headbutts FoxLord! +JanusFox yips, "Sounds like something I'd play on a C64." +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has connected. +Rei_Ayanami arrives from the foyer. +Mundy pets TIGRSKNK belly. +Rommel nods hello to Rei +Mundy says, "What. http://imgur.com/gallery/fPjAx " +KurtMRufa metalyawns. +Rei_Ayanami waves in greetings. +Himmel has such a headache. +KurtMRufa puts on some Hearts of Space. +Wildcard arrives from the foyer. +Wildcard waves. +Duelist stretches! +Miko chatters, "Well, that didn't take long. Obsidian Entertainment put up a Kickstarter for a new RPG in the style of Baldur's Gate, Planescape: Torment, Icewind Dale, et al, asking for a whopping $1.1M, less than 24 hours ago, and looks like they'll hit the target within the hour." +Miko chatters, "Two people (including Notch) have gone for the $10,000 pledge." +KurtMRufa remarks, "So how does this thing work? Do you get your money back at some point?" +Miko chatters, "You get backer rewards depending on how much you kicked in. The typical one being "you get a copy of whatever we're making" for $10-20." +Miko chatters, "In that instance it basically works as a preorder.. except with no actual guarantee that the project's going to be finished and the thing is going to exist. So sort of halfway between a charity and and a preorder." +KurtMRufa remarks, "Oh, okay. And if they don't make it, well, it's what it is." +Miko chatters, "A lot of people do seem to be very keen to pitch in to try and get that thing they want that nobody makes any more made. There's usually lower options as well, throw in a couple of bucks and get the mp3 soundtrack and an exclusive 1920x1080 wallpaper image, buy the thing when it comes out." +Miko chatters, "I wish there was a "shut up and take my money now" option, though, the "we'll pull the money from your account when the pledge target is hit" system has caused a big wodge to come out of my daily-use account two months later when I've just gotten bills in the mail a few times so far." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Azure prowls in. +Azure picks each sleeper up-- it must be some trick of perspective-- to slip into his pocket. That can't be right, can it? +Floid is sent home. +Floid has left. +Rommel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Rommel has left. +Duelist pets a tinytinyfox! +Azure noses up against Duelists's hand. +Azure yips, "Good morning." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hello foxy!" +Samanthia arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia slinks in. Rar. +Samanthia pets Azure and SKNK. +Azure yips, "Hello, Black 'n WHite." +Mundy gets a present from digikey in the mail. +Azure hugs Samanthia, "Hello, Kirin." +Malkoten winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Malkoten has left. +Somewhere on the muck, MegaWolf has connected. +Ryan arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia says, "How is small blue fox?" +Azure yips, "I'm doing fairly well, thank you." +Azure yips, "I think I'm going to go to Meijer's." +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf strokes Azure's ears +Samanthia okays. +KurtMRufa mmfs. Interesting stuff. +Azure slinkso ver and noses MegaWolf, "Guten Tag." +Duelist growls quietly, "So how is folks doing today? Coping?" +Samanthia yawns and is engaged in server migration. +Puc has disconnected. +Mundy rubs TIGRSKNK. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Still kind of numb" +Kia has disconnected. +Malken arrives from the foyer. +Malken lies down on a couch +Azure yips, "KI'm alright." +Duelist kinda numb too. Unsure of how to deal.... +Duelist growls quietly, "Plus didn't sleep good last night." +JanusFox hears that. +JanusFox yips, "It has pretty good closure though I wish it had more, somehow." +Mundy licks Duelist! +Mundy ponders ordering a switch machine.. +Malken waves to Mundy +Mundy licks Malken! +MegaWolf always has nightmares so he can't really judge his mental state by his dreams. +Duelist growls quietly, "I was pondering if we shouldn't schedule smething, ya know, in here, just a sort of....I dunno, chance to say something and listen and all that." +Wildcard winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Wildcard has left. +Darkness suddenly appears by Rei. +Rei_Ayanami meeps a little, then touches shoulders with the Darkness. +Darkness smiles. +Samanthia watches progress bars. Grump. +Milehighyena arrives from the foyer. +Milehighyena seeks the techies. +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has disconnected. +Darkness says, "What kind of tech.." +Milehighyena cackles, "I need a new MP3 player. my RCA has been great, but it has taken some bad abuse in my pocket at work. the case is cracked and held together with tape. " +Darkness says, "Allright." +Darkness says, "Price Range?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Duh, an iPod, of course" +Milehighyena cackles, "I need a new one with a decent color screen so I can look at my pr0n. for under fity dollars." +Duelist growls quietly, "Might as well buy from the company that invented the mp3 and music." +Mundy starts prototyping MSMVs +Azure yips, "Franhaufer?" +Milehighyena cackles, "looking around at places, i see a lot of cheap by some brand named Coby. Anyone ever heard of them? Sandisk?" +Milehighyena cackles, "i'd love to replace this little RCA, but thety discontinued this model. maybe because it was too thin and flimsy." +Miko listenin' to The Eels - "Last Stop: This Town." o/~ You're dead, but the world keeps spinning.. o/~ Take a spin through the world you left o/~ It's getting dark a little too early o/~ Are you missing the dearly bereft? o/~ +MegaWolf yawns softly, and curls up in his beanbag. +Darkness says, "Id say Sony, but they are a little more expensive. " +Reveille arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia pets Reveille. +Reveille noses Samanthia. +Malken waves to the long lung dragon +Reveille nods at Malken. +Malken hasn't seen that dragon in a while +Samanthia says, "How is noodle dragon?" +Darkness rummages through her bag and grabs a bag of o-, stabs a straw into it and drains it. +Reveille is doing well. +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaks in, an up into Duelist's lap +Malken waves to little Scruff! +Milehighyena summons a recognizer, who pickes up the sleepers. "It's the Games for you, Programs!" +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Scruff miaows hi to the sofalion +Azure bows, "Mr. Scruff. +Duelist pets CHTA +Malken hasn't seen Scruff for a while, either. +Scruff nosetouches the littlebluefoxy, lightly +Samanthia pets Reveille more. +Scruff curls around bigstrongskunkpaw +Reveille rrrhs and arches under Samanthia's petting. She blinks at Duelist. Skunk? O_o +Duelist is! +MegaWolf kisses Scruffnose +Malken thinks skunk Duelist is handsome +Duelist grins! Well skunks do, ya know, have that whole black/white formal thing goin' on +MegaWolf growls softly, "Studmephit." +Malken nods "indeed. and such a muscular one" +Duelist grins. +Duelist growls quietly, "Genetics! >;)" +MegaWolf nips Duelist just a lil' +Scruff chirps, "And luxuriously fluffy tail!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Well that's genetics too" +Darkness looks over her shouler. Absent tail.. Hmm. +Miko listens to Grandaddy and has a bit of a cry. +Milehighyena has disconnected. +Azure has been mildly in love with The Fiery Furnaces for the last few days. +Rei_Ayanami has left. +Scruff wriggles a bit, settling +Duelist stretches out! +Scruff snuffles into skunkbellyfur +Mundy chews on wires. +Samanthia oops. +Azure goes off to Meijer's. +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has disconnected. +Polo wakes up from passing out again. x.x +Samanthia has disconnected. +Samanthia has connected. +Samanthia beats on networking stuffs. OKay. Time to scoot. Shouldn't be connected while re-arrangign the tuuuuubes. +Samanthia pets a noodle dragon and absconds. +Samanthia teleports away. +Samanthia has left. +Reveille leans against where Samanthia was, and falls over. +Dachande. Woo house clean at 11am. +Polo sniffs Reveille. +Scruff sits in the middle of D&D's livingroom, looks untidy ^-^ +Reveille smells dragonny. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Dachande. Rarrrrg, damn cats! +Polo earperks and looks around. +Scruff chirps, "A bit like this - http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7238/7344470384_47570f82cb_z.jpg" +Reveille growls, "Fluffy!" +Mundy licks Dachande.! +Dachande. licks Mundy! +Himmel | http://www.afterelton.com/poll/2012/09/ultimate-slash-madness-tourney-round-four +Himmel says, "Vote Destiel, guys. C'mon. You know you want to." +MegaWolf omgchta +Mundy studies his prototype vs. schematic.. Grrr.. +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has disconnected. +Dachande. thinking time for shower. +Mundy rebuilds.. >.< +Scruff shower later! New Doctor Who in 18min! +Dachande. says, "For you. I haven't even seen the ones prior to it, need to get on the torrents." +Danish arrives from the foyer. +Scruff miaows hi to the pastry-in-disguise +Danish tousles Scrufff and fluff and squirrel and cats. +Dachande. says, "Don't have HD BBC not going to watch a LD 9x6 on 4x3 with boarders." +Scruff nodnods, internets be useful there +Dachande. nodnods. +Dachande. Sweaty n stink of house dirt, shower now. :) +Makyo mrrrp. +Scruff awwfox. Hugsfox. +Duelist licks you! +Makyo snoooof at Danish and Scruff and Duelist. +Duelist growls quietly, "Makyo, that was a beautiful write-up on the board." +You yerf, "Mrrf. Thanks." +Makyo likes so many of you so much :| +Kia has disconnected. +Danish winces. +Danish lows, "Fuck." +Danish teleports away. +Danish has left. +You page-pose, "Makyo nuzz. Alright?" to Danish +Duelist pets upon foxish. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Danish hugs. +Makyo nuzz upon skunk. +MegaWolf kisses Makyo's nose 'gain. +Makyo snf, smooch at woof. +Somewhere on the muck, Danish has disconnected. +Scruff clambers up, stretches out on the bar +Danish arrives from the foyer. +Polo didn't know the person, but bereavement sucks, so condolences to the bereaved that are present. +Miko hugs Danish! Whitcomb jumps into Miko's arms and murrs loudly. +You hug Danish! He jumps into your arms and murrs loudly. +Scruff nuzzles Danish! +Danish snugs back. +FoxLord barks, "that...just fucking sucks/" +Danish whispers, "I don't wanna be all dramatic and shit but I am crying my goddamned eyes out. >.< *hugs*" to you. +Scruff nods. It does indeed, a great deal. +You whisper, "Makyo squeezes around, "S'okay. That was me last night and this morning."" to Danish. +Scruff chirps! +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +Milehighyena mutters as he is forced to leave. "...time is up, the song is over. Thought I'd something more to say." +Milehighyena has left. +Miko murmurs, "So it goes." +MegaWolf gruffs. Reality calls. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Miko snuggles up with Makyo and Danish and all. -.- +Makyo nestles all in, snooof. +Danish cuddles on squirrel and fox and cheetah and all present. +Danish never thought it would happen, but you never do. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Danish waves. +Scruff hugskiatail +Danish whispers, "How'd you find out? Mutual friend?" to you. +Kia nods and pats Scruff. +You whisper, "Someone came in last night and told us all, a friend of Pyat. I kinda lost it for a while c.c All cried out now, feeling sort of...lost in memory, I guess." to Danish. +Danish whispers, "Danish headshakes. Buries nose in your fur and still can't stop crying. I dunno." to you. +You whisper, "Makyo hugs around and holds close, meanwhile. Rrwf." to Danish. +Danish gets fox fluff and squirrelpoof all damp and idles for a little while. +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has connected. +Kia has disconnected. +KurtMRufa resprawl. +Scruff trots over, noses at robodog. Hello! +ZeitOtter arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Makyo nose Kuttas. +Danish hugs on Kuttas. +Kuttas hugs Danish. +Mundy gets a working prototype of a MSMV. +Kuttas sadhyenas. +Mundy nibbles Duelist! +Miko chatters, "We all has a sad." +Danish nods and draws Kuttas into the hugpile. +Scruff sneaks out for a little while +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +KurtMRufa beeps and noses on Kuttas and arfs too. +Somewhere on the muck, Scruff has disconnected. +Mundy eyeballs http://www.amazon.com/Amico-Position-Toggle-Switch-Terminals/dp/B005GI851C/ +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Djirin headperches on Rev. +Reveille oofs, sat on. +Djirin is light as a bodi! +Djirin boid +Reveille is just a tiny thing! +Djirin gets out a magnifying glass? "Hmmm. Somebody shrink you?" +Reveille has been shrunken for a while. It lets her actually fit in the door. +Ryan winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Ryan has left. +Mundy hmms.. +Djirin headglomfs Rev +Reveille flails! +Djirin mmfs. wiggly +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Reveille paws at Djirin and huffs. +Djirin drools helpfully on Rev. c.c +Reveille gahs, covered in cat spit! +Djirin bahs. "Cleanspit" +Reveille growls, "Still cat spit!" +Djirin hmms? +Djirin changes form. +Djirin drools dragonishly then +Reveille eeps and squirms all the more, scruffed by the now-dragon. +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah waves. +KurtMRufa arfatta Rev. +Djirin sheds helpfully on on Rev. furry dwagin +Makyo nuzzat Zhorah, Zeph. Zs. +Zeph snugga on Makyo. +Zeph whispers, "Zeph full of sad re: Margs. :<" to you. +Zhorah lean on Makyo +Draconis arrives from the foyer. +Draconis rr! +Reveille growlfs atta Kurt! And then gets covered in Djirin's fluff. +Makyo purrprr, swish on Zeph and Zhorah. +Draconis nuzzles Zhorah! +Draconis nuzzles Zeph! +Zhorah nuzz at Draco +Reveille yays, more dragons. +Draconis licks Danish! Whitcomb wonders exactly why they did that. +Draconis cuddles Reveille! +You whisper, "Makyo nod, noses. Very sad fox. Grew up around him." to Zeph. +Reveille purrs and snugs Draconis. ^_^ +Draconis hrrrr. "Revsmevs." +Zeph whispers, "Zeph cuddles much. "Did not know him for as long myself, but even so. Want to do something but have no idea what."" to you. +Reveille growls, "Dat's me." +Draconis growfs, "How be's?" +Djirin grumps as Rev gets stolen away. c.c +Draconis cuddle Djiin too! +Djirin hurrahs +Djirin ! +Draconis adds more r's. Rrrrrr. +Djirin headglomfs Draconis +Zeph whispers, "Zeph sorry to go on about." to you. +Draconis snrtl. +Draconis growfs, "Teehee, Undine is engrossed in Bastion." +You whisper, "Makyo leans in against and nods, "Not sure what, either. Could maybe set up something to make one donation for everyone to that thing mentioned in the obit."" to Zeph. +Djirin hms? "Whats that?" +You whisper, "S'okie. Been torn up since last night, feels good to talk about." to Zeph. +Draconis growfs, "http://supergiantgames.com/?page_id=242" +Polo says, "I found it a bit... well, reliant on a narrator. And for something using a beautiful narrator, the Stanley Parable was better done (and being turned into a game!)." +Reveille growls, "It's a really well done, if somewhat short, run around and hit things fantasy game." +Polo says, "I bought it and found it rather dull and Diablo-esque." +Zeph whispers, "Yarr, had thought about donationy thing myself. Am rubbish at organising things though. At first part of me wanted to think it was an elaborate stunt, that he'd turn up laughing to have tricked us." to you. +Duelist licks Draconis! +Danish nuzzles Draconis! +Draconis enjoyed it. +You whisper, "Makyo nodnods, "The thought occured to me, too, but I think only because I didn't really want to believe it. Setting up a fake obituary and news stories doesn't seem like Margs. Anyhow, I dunno. Do you think people would want to do that? Or would there be something better suited?"" to Zeph. +Draconis growfs, "Diablo-esque is a compliment :)" +Polo says, "Trailer for the new Stanley Parable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bB4AR5Crb54" +Polo says, "That narrator is _amazing_." +Zeph whispers, "It does sound like a good enough idea, to me. Some kind of charitable donation I think would be good regardless, even if not that specific place. Personally, I was thinking of maybe making some kind of music tribute or something." to you. +Miko chatters, "It's quite wonderful." +You whisper, "Yeah. I can't even figure out what these guys are, other than a motorcycle funeral guard, much less how to donate. And yeah, was trying to think of any sort of tribute I could make, beyond financial :/" to Zeph. +Miko chatters, "And a million miles away from clicketyclickety grindgrindgrind." +Zeph whispers, "Yeah, I dropped an email their way to see what was going on but haven't heard back yet. Maybe could get interested folks to work together on something, I dunno." to you. +Miko chatters, "Also not fantasy in the "elves and orcs" way but in the "weird ghost things that live on crumbling platforms in the sky" way." +Polo says, "Alas, at the time Bastion was released for Mac the Trine games were on sale and gave me waaay much more fun :)" +Polo says, "Another trailer for Stanley Parable HD remix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ-IcS7mRSk :)" +Draconis elects to investigate the Stanley Parable, for he has not before. +Zeph yarr, downloaded that himself but has been distracted by Black Mesa Source. +Polo says, "It's... like Dear Esther. Very short and quirky, but exceptionally poignant :)" +ZeitOtter has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Sarusa has connected. +Draconis rararar. +Djirin zipbz2targz +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has connected. +Draconis smrk. +Djirin nibbles on Draconis while looking innocent. +Polo lost 80 hours to Civ V. x.x +You whisper, "Typed and retyped something to ask people, but just can't quite bring myself to do it right now. Still kinda raw, I guess :S" to Zeph. +You whisper, "Makyo can ask later, if things go alright at work next week." to Zeph. +Draconis whoah. 30k seeds for black mesa o.o +Djirin purrs quietly, "hurrah thievery! c.c" +Malken liked Bastion +Draconis growfs, "thievery?" +Zeph whispers, "Zeph noddles, makes sense. :3" to you. +Djirin shrugs. "Is this Black Mesa a free game?" +Draconis growfs, "Yes." +Zeph mews, "Free mod, yeah." +Djirin purrs quietly, "Hurrah free then! c.c Whenever I hear someone talk of bit torrent and the like I only think of one thing" +Draconis growfs, "I only tend to thieve TV programs, and then only for time-convinience rather than having not paid for them ('cause I have.)" +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has disconnected. +JanusFox le pant. +Zeph mews, "Foxpants." +Djirin depants Janus +JanusFox yips, "Pantaloons you." +You yerf, "Fox++" +JanusFox increments non-atomically. +Djirin noses at the nonatomic fox +JanusFox rubs those noses. +Djirin glomfs foxhand +JanusFox eeps and pulls away, "I guess that makes me steam powered. +JanusFox is steampunkfox? +Zeph < fox.steampowered.com > +Zeph mews, "Note: not actual address." +JanusFox yips, "D'aww." +Polo is at 'We've Got Hostiles'. It's an exceptional mod. Pretty much an AAA game except for animation quality. +Djirin has left. +Dachande. says, "So AAB then?" +Dachande. bark. +ZeitOtter is sent home. +ZeitOtter has left. +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Makyo cuuuurrrl forever. So out of it this afternoon. +JanusFox perk, "Black mesa source is out?! +Dachande. says, "Yup" +Dachande. says, "I downloaded it, and installed it, but i can't seem to find the program launcher." +JanusFox dances about! +JanusFox yips, "Finally aome bloody good news." +Makyo :o) +Makyo packs for Canada. So nerrrrvous. +Polo says, "It's in the Steam menu, Dachande." +JanusFox yips, "Don't be. Canadians are far from the dangerous monsters they're made out to be on the Red Green show." +Zeph mews, "You've gotta stick it in the /steamapps/sourcemods folder, then quit and restart steam and it should show up." +You yerf, "I automatically assume Canadians are awesome. It's the travel that has me nervous :S" +Danish lows, "What's in Canada, Feral?" +Mundy says, "Feral's done. :x" +Polo is Canadian. +You yerf, "Work. Week-long sprint." +Polo says, "I just ran the installer that came with it and it showed up in Steam." +Danish lows, "Oh, neat." +You yerf, "Should be awkward meeting all these people in person for the first time, despite having worked with them for a few weeks now." +JanusFox yips, "Did you let them know about your affliction" +Danish lows, "I'm sure they'll just try to glomp you or w/e. Goes with the territory." +JanusFox pokes that torrent with a stick, "Goooo faster! +Zeph mews, "Being an adorable fox is a blessing, not an affliction." +You yerf, "We have daily video conferences. They've seen :o)" +JanusFox may beg to differ on that. +Mav arrives from the foyer. +Polo torrented it on his root server in the netherlands, downloaded it from there. +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has disconnected. +Polo says, "Well, it's a blessing in looks, but the smell requires getting used to. :)" +Dachande. says, "yeah not in my steam only b game i have is bastion, which i need to tyr one of these days." +Danish lows, "It's good." +Zeph mews, "Might not have the Source SDK, you need to click the dropdown in 'Library' (should say All Games) and select Tools, then grab Source SDK." +Zeph mews, "Right click and pick Install and you should be good." +Dachande. says, "Yeah steam opened and said i needed that, so did that." +Zeph hmm +Dachande. says, "Then i had the source thing, but that went away." +Zeph dunno then! +Dachande. says, "Ehh not a big deal, shouldn't try it on the laptop anyay." +Dachande. says, "not sure what i was thinking getting it on here. :)" +JanusFox yips, "That it's essentially a game from 1998 :D" +JanusFox yips, "It should run on an iphone at this point ;)" +Zeph mews, "True, it's the same base game, but Black Mesa has given it a level of advanced shininess and awesomeitude." +Polo says, "The installer downloaded the Source SDK for me..." +JanusFox yips, "On the other hand, Morrowind cripples me now so." +Zeph mews, "So it ain't gonna run on a Pentium II." +KurtMRufa unidles. +KurtMRufa beep beep then. +Zeph pet on Kurtbot some! +Polo says, "It is not in any way the same base game. Everything has been re-done using Source 2007." +KurtMRufa houndleans on Zeph. +Polo says, "The plot and set-pieces have been used, but it's all original content (or content from Half Life 2)." +Himmel climbs onto Danish. +Himmel curls up. +Danish scriffles Himmel and hugs on him. +Mundy flumps. +KurtMRufa wants the compute for the damn games to be in the cloud. +Himmel is gonna go eat dinner then come back and be distressed s'more. +Kuttas, too, he thinks. +Zeph mews, "OnLive did that, and they nearly went bust." +KurtMRufa will use this kind of thing as a snappy answer to people who ask about doing supercomputing in the cloud. +Draconis has disconnected. +Zeph mews, "Admittedly, it might be for reasons other than nobody subscribing. Didn't look into it too much." +Zeph mews, "On the basis of having a) a pretty decent computer, b) a mediocre internet connection." +Makyo nuzz at Himmel, Kuttas. +Kuttas pets Makyo. +Polo says, "Supercomputing is already done in the cloud. I worked on the CERN Grid back in 2005 (I was doing security research) and that was used to find the Higgs very successfully. I believe that the incoming beam data was 10TiB/sec." +Himmel petpets Makyo. Dashes, a bit. +Polo says, "I would imagine it's more to do with commodity graphic processing hardware being unvirtualisable." +Dachande. go to try and buy some jeans. +Kuttas sneakyhyenas into the shadows. c.c +KurtMRufa metalyawns. +Himmel returns. +Zeph sneaks to bed, full of tired and bleh. +Zeph goes home. +Zeph has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Zeph has disconnected. +Singe has disconnected. +JanusFox rubs that...aww. +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +Danish hugs MegaWolf! +TealFox arrives from the foyer. +[public] Sarusa says, "Chinese pet jerky kills at least 360 dogs, one cat in the US. Surprise." +Miko titters a little. Sewageburst in downtown Helsinki. Cars sliding around, people falling over, a stench for blocks and blocks and blocks. +Danish lows, "Like a summer block party where they open the hydrants." +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaksbackin +Scruff perches somewhere up in Danish's antlers +Zhorah returns +Scruff chirps! +Draconis is sent home. +Draconis has left. +Singe eeks! +Singe has left. +Fiend Plushie bounds after Singe. +Danish pets Scruffy protectively. +KurtMRufa beeps. +Danish scoots closer to Kurt to buff him a little, as well. +KurtMRufa wag wags and does some gleaming too. +Danish smiles. +Scruff takes the opportunity to nose down between perky metallic ears +Himmel is only slightly disappointed that the girl who plays Mary-Kate in Very Mary-Kate isn't actually Mary-Kate. +Miko almost listens to Do You Realize?, but stops himself. +Miko is reminded of Footpad by a loose mental association. :/ +Danish urk. +Scruff chirps, "Why is Footpad a :/ ?"" +Miko chatters, "Footpad and Margs." +Danish lows, "Still can't believe he got me onto all that music." +Himmel says, "What about Footpad?" +Miko chatters, "With the delighted piling onto and face-washing and all that." +Himmel says, "Oh." +Himmel says, "Right." +Danish :( +Miko chatters, "Does he know?" +Himmel says, "Oh, god." +Scruff mrf. "He's going to be crushed." +Miko has a bit of a cry again. +Himmel says, "Does anyone here have his contact info?" +Miko puts the Field Mice on, like a fluffy blanket. +Himmel says, "Draco might, but he's not on, at the moment." +Danish hugs Miko! +Miko nuzzles Danish! +Miko sees an update from Orin on his Facebook timeline, innocently bollocking on about something or other. Argh. +Scruff chirps, "I see Draco was here, which means Unds'll know now. He'll be very, very upset." +Miko didn't have the gumption to mention but presumably someone did. +Danish puts on "Straight to Hell", the song he got me into the Clash with. +Reveille'splodes. *poof* +Scruff still trying to work out if he'll be able to make it to Pebble's funeral on Friday. Awesome people should stop dying. +Miko chatters, "I-" +Miko chatters, "Pebble's dead?" +Himmel gives Miko a squeeze. +Scruff nods, "Last Friday." +Miko :( +Harth arrives from the foyer. +Harth says, "Hello." +Miko chatters, "A day later." +Miko chatters, "I only met him once or twice and didn't know him very well, but I loved reading his LJ. I hadn't thought about him for a long time." +Scruff chirps, "Absolutely beautiful person. He'd known it was coming, and had time to prepare, say his goodbyes, which is something, I guess." +Zhorah rumbles, "I dunno pebble" +Miko chatters, "There's not a lot more you could ask, really." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "The lion?" +Himmel doesn't know why he knows the name Pebble. +Himmel doesn't know why he knew he was a Lion. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Himmel: Taps" +Himmel says, "... That Pebble is online currently. Which is rather morbid." +Miko chatters, "Pebblepup." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I don't know either of them" +Miko tries to find an LJ dumper. +Scruff chirps, "No, he hadn't been on FM for years, and wasn't ever on Taps" +Danish lows, "Fuck, his one interest on LJ..." +Scruff chirps, "He'd had the name Pebble here when he was" +MegaWolf curls. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Danish snouts into Megapup. +MegaWolf snugs Danish +Scruff chirps, "He actually had that about eight years ago, Danish" +Acy arrives from the foyer. +Danish ahh. +Acy woof. +Polo noses Azure. +Mav climbs up and perches on Acy. +Danish continues nosing Mega and waves to Acy. +Polo scritches Mav. +Acy topples. +Makyo noses at folks. +Polo goes home. +Polo has left. +Danish lows, "All packed?" +Mav falls over, paws in the air. +Acy puppy says, 'whine whine whine.' +You yerf, "Kind of half-heartedly packing. Mostly watching here." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "My dog is mute." +Himmel's dog was mute unless she saw another dog or he was teasing her. +MegaWolf's dog only barks if people or dogs approach the house. Of course "approach" can mean 3 houses away or more. +Himmel says, "I think it's horrible that people will surgically disable dogs' vocal chords." +Himmel says, "... Cords." +MegaWolf growls softly, "She "talks" a lot though, not a whine or a bark, more like little squeaks and other odd noises." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Tryin' to talk!" +You yerf, "Dogs <3" +Scruff blinks. People do that? o.O +MegaWolf better run some errands before it gets too late. +TealFox curls +Himmel says, "Devocalization, yes." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Debarking" +Scruff hugs MegaWolf! +Himmel pets Megs. +Scruff chirps, "That's hideous! Like declawing a cat." +Zhorah:< +TealFox has disconnected. +Miko chatters, "Emergency Back-up Greek Alphabet: adolf, beta, gamma, leia, delta, echo, foxtrot, theta, peter, smegma, mocca, corbett, khaki, kyber, mira, hindley, phooey, abercrombie, abba, pasta, hasta, lavista, zeta, jones." +Zhorah blinks +Makyo gonna go get comfortfood sushi. Back in a bit. +Danish waves. +Scruff hugfox. Fooox. <3 +Makyo smoochat folks :3 Be excellent! +Makyo idlehere. +Danish lows, "Fox cuddling services available all day. Revolutionary." +TealFox has connected. +TealFox sighs at his connection today +Danish pets Teal and his connection both. +TealFox mmm. Pets +Acy says, "Makyerf is going away?" +Acy says, "My puppy bark sounds like the alarm bark of a squirrel." +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +Danish lows, "He's going to Canada to catch fish with his paws, I think he said." +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Acy says, "Weird." +Danish shrugs, fopses. +Scruff noses around, sneaks off to bed. Nini! +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +Acy says, "Darnit puppy quit eating everything that is not nailed down. " +Miko chatters, "It's a PUPPY." +Miko chatters, "What were you expecting?" +Mav chews on Acy. +Acy says, "Ow ow my feet." +Acy says, "I have started calling her piglet." +Duelist stretch out! +Danish lows, "What breed is she?" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Stink shep." +Acy says, "She is a german shepherd dog." +Acy http://acy.livejournal.com/360495.html +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh my god, look at her." +Duelist - http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a115/AcyKat2069/Dogs/IMAG0441.jpg +Acy says, "Hahah." +Duelist growls quietly, "Pure awesome." +Acy says, "I gave her a bath and she was soft and fluffy for exactly one day." +Miko looks at the puppy and cries a bit. :4) +JanusFox rolls acy's puppy in things that smell... wonderful. +Acy says, "She does not need help with that." +Duelist growls quietly, "She will be giant dog soon!" +Acy nodnods. +Danish :3 +Acy says, "I do not like the food the breeder had her on. Trying to figure out what to put her on now." +Duelist growls quietly, "I uhh, well food is a weird subject" +Acy says, "She started eating her poop yesterday and i was all D:" +Duelist growls quietly, "Everyone swears by theirs." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Sheppies are just gross." +TealFox has disconnected. +Acy says, "I read that they do that because of undigested protein leftover in the poo." +Danish punches Mav in the nipples. +KurtMRufa hrfm +Mav nipple squirts. +Danish mm. +Duelist - http://d4fxuz90idxmu.cloudfront.net/images/default/products/large/12069-1.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "That is what Kostya eats." +TealFox has connected. +Acy says, "The breeder suggested I give her pig ears to chew on but they make her breath smell like feets." +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Pig ears are yum because they stink." +Kia frinks. +Duelist growls quietly, "Nylabones!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Better than pig ears." +Mav feeds this stuff to his dogs http://www.diamondpet.com/products/diamond_naturals/dogs/ +Acy says, "She prefers the ears to nylabones." +Duelist growls quietly, "Wait wait, you're giving your shep a choice?" +Acy says, "Sure, why not?" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Mine get pig ears and various other animal body parts." +Duelist growls quietly, "Never give a shep a choice" +Acy says, "How else will I know what a high value reward is?" +Himmel says, "Sheps require harsh regimentalization. Strict orders." +Duelist growls quietly, "And make shep work for everything!" +Acy says, "She is only 8 weeks." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hee hee hee. She's gonna own you." +Acy is still teaching her to make eye contact with her name. +Danish lows, "Mrs. Cassidy. Mrs. Eliza Cassidy. You stop eating that this *instant*." +Acy says, "I am relatively firm with her.. I guess. I kennel her and stuff." +Floid arrives from the foyer. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Remember that dogs don't feel guilt." +Danish waves to Floid. +Floid says, "Arf." +Danish lows, "Dogs only feel it when you tenderly rub their malamute nipples." +Mav squirt. +Danish lows, "It's the only way he'll learn." +Kia says, "All dogs have malamute nipples? " +Duelist recommends the dog beating stick! +Danish lows, "Mav does." +Danish notes that Floid is kind of an anagram of El Fido. +Floid says, "Mav is director general of the USSMNR." +Acy says, "You milk malamute, you have friend for life." +Danish lows, "Whereas chows just want to cuddle afterwards." +Acy cuddles up to Danish. +Acy says, "Going to try walking her for a minute." +Danish shares a glass of milk with Acy before he goes. +Duelist growls quietly, "There is much sitting when first walking a shep." +TealFox winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +TealFox has left. +Acy has disconnected. +KurtMRufa arf arf arf. +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has disconnected. +Acy has connected. +Danish lows, "I told a really good joke while you were gone and everyone laughed and it made me popular." +Acy says, "Yes there was sitting. We made it halfway down the block then a barking pitbull caused resistance." +Dachande. says, "Tell it again Danish." +Zhorah rumbles, "looked back at this screen and first thing I saw was malamute nipples....]" +Danish isn't in the mood right now. Gotta pace it. +Himmel rubs Danish. "You -are- Popular." +Danish hugs Himmel! +Zhorah rubs his unpopular on Danish +Danish hugs Zhorah! +Acy says, "Ah, my nipples explode with delight." +Miko loves Danish! Whitcomb isn't sure he's ready for that level of commitment yet. +Mav gets a towel. +Danish kisses Miko! +Danish goes to smoke. +Floid says, "http://wonkette.com/484178/the-lord-jesus-hates-dr-pepper-and-you-should-too" +Danish has been smoking every time he wanted to cry today, so it's on to pack 2. +Himmel hugs Danish's head. +Miko gets linked to http://creeper.naurunappula.com/org/e9/36/e9362063fc8378ad/0/967709.gif elsewhere. Serendippitydoodah. +Acy o.O +Miko has just been having a cry whenever he feels like it. It's good for you. +Acy says, "Miko did my puppy really make you cry?" +Miko chatters, "I, um. Are you perhaps missing the context?" +Himmel says, "Margs, Ace." +Floid is very taking a nap. +Danish quietly saves that as Danish.gif. +KurtMRufa rrf. +Acy says, "Oh." +Acy says, "Yeah, heh.. when I look at her I think, 'In 8-10 years you'll be gone too.'" +Harth has disconnected. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Sheppies only live 8 to 10 years?" +Danish stares at fatweaseldog in the hallway, more of a force of nature than an actual thing. +Danish lows, "According to the vet he's 17, but the vet is stupid." +Acy says, "According to wikipedia sheps live 8-10 years." +Mav punishes his sheppie for living too long. +Acy says, "Aww." +Acy says, "She's half husky." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "So she gets to live longer." +Himmel says, "SHepsky?" +Himmel says, "Sheps live longer than 8-10 years, I'm sure of it." +Himmel says, "-Danes- live 8-10 years because of their size problems." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Generally larger dogs have shorter lives." +Mundy whistles for a bouncer, and a huge gorilla steps out of nowhere, and hauls out the sleeping furries. "Time ta go, boyz.." he growls.. +Harth is sent home. +Harth has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Mundy gooses Dachande.! +Himmel actually thinks Danes are 10-12. +Kia's cat is planning on never dying. +Acy says, "Well hopefully my shep will live longer. She is supposed to have good genes and stuff." +Somewhere on the muck, Scruff has disconnected. +Miko used to know a cat that was eighteen years old. +JanusFox yips, "And she's black!" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "I had two cats, lived 19 and 21 years." +Acy has an 18 year old cat. She is gray and has a scratchy meow that sounds like Macy Gray. +Kia's cat is... lessee. Got her in 1997, fall. So, 15. +Danish lows, "According to Wikipedia you are King of Togo, Acy." +Acy says, "Neat." +Miko chatters, "World record is 38 years and a bit." +Acy was also born on the same day Robespierre got the guillotine. +Danish lows, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Togo" +Danish lows, "Ah, fuck, fucking robots." +Danish lows, "You were King of Togo for roughly 15ish seconds." +Srass appears in a glowing pentagram, with an ominous rumble. He thunders, "WHO DARES DISTURB--", then looks around. "Oh, um... hiya." The pentagram fizzles out, anticlimactically. +Srass has arrived. +Danish hugs Srass! +Srass hugs Danish! Whitcomb jumps into Srass's arms and murrs loudly. +Srass leans on Kurt. +Danish hands http://imgur.com/FNzKY to HRH. +Srass says, "Lame." +Acy uhr... +Srass says, "That's not a photoshop, that appears to have been an actual edit to the page." +Srass says, "By a comcast customer in south carolina somewhere." +Danish lows, "Knology wanted to drill a bunch of holes." +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +KurtMRufa beep beeps. +Srass says, "Who?" +Himmel says, "South Carolina?" +Himmel says, "Whoever do I know from there?" +Srass snugs Kurt. +Paladin pads in and barks! +Paladin has arrived. +Srass licks Kuttas' muzzle. +Srass also rubs Paladin's ears. +Kuttas licks Srass' whiskers. +Paladin flicks one ear: ~_^ and then the other: ^_~ +Miko chatters, "Those are eyes, dear." +Paladin barks, "I am not some Asian emoticon!" +Paladin has always, always used them as ears. +Mav ^..^ +Paladin rubs Mav! +Mav gets fur all over. +Danish &._.& +Paladin gets dingo all over. +Mav gets a napkin. +Kuttas pokes at waffles. +KurtMRufa . +Danish pets Kurt and Kuttas. +FoxLord has disconnected. +Kuttas leans. +Miko chatters, "Danish is a former boxer?" +Paladin barks, "I thought he was more like a labrador." +Himmel boxes Danish. +Himmel ships him to Murray. +[ Kuttas looked at you ] +KurtMRufa taps its fingertips together. +Danish eyes Miko. +Danish also dies, no airholes. +Danish headshakes. +Srass pets Kurt's fingertips. +Mundy licks Paladin! +Miko chatters, "& looks like a boxer's ear." +Paladin licks Mundy! +Danish ahhh. Hard to render antlers on one line in ASCII. +Himmel lean on Kuttas. +Mundy licks Paladin's dingo tongue +Paladin pants, like a dingo! This makes him twice as cute! Even babies are no longer afraid of him! +Kia hungers a bit. ++++++Leanin' 'yena just smelled you! +Danish ruffles Kuttas between the ears. +Kuttas smells hollow. +Himmel disagrees. +Kuttas oopses. ruffle, not snuffle. +Danish hugs Kuttas! +Paladin barks, "Ruffle snuffle. I think I shall put that in my actions." +Paladin ruffle-snuffles Danish! +Danish licks Paladin! +Miko chatters, "Do the ruffle snuffle!" +Srass, come to think of it, gets rid of all the extra accoutrements, and just goes quadrupedal for a while. +Paladin ruffle-snuffles Miko! +Kuttas curls up against him. +Srass nuzzles Kuttas. +Kuttas squeezes. +KurtMRufa tilts its head to the side. +Mundy grunty. +Zhorah pets Kuttas. +Makyo wakesup. Nuzz folks. +Kuttas is an anthro spotted hyena. He's slightly taller than average, despite having the characteristic slight-hunchback typical of hyenas, probably due to the long neck which is also typical of the species. His torso is slightly long, and his legs are slightly short; he's built stoutly, a remnant of his youth spent on the Serengeti, where life makes you hard or leaves you hungry. He walks di'grade, but erect; even so, he's quick, nimble, and flexible. He is easily capable of dropping to all fours when needed. On his right thigh, about two hands-breadth below his hip, is a fine, vertical scar, a straight line about three inches long and visible through his fur, which grows gray alongside it. He is leaning very closely on Srass, and appears to be quite comfortable. +[ Leanin' 'yena noticed you looking at him ] +Carrying: +BUTTON: Arcturus 2012! Cause '[Redacted] Happens.' +BUTTON: Arcturus 2012! 'FRONT TOWARD ENEMY' +tribal lance +An Invitation +Zhorah tug at Makyo +Makyo nosenose at Zhorah. +% Connection to furry closed: recv: Connection reset by peer +``` diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/margaras/03.md b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6606a1d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,1541 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: 4 +--- + +``` +% Trying to connect to furry: 74.207.243.108 8889. +% Connected to furry. +#$#mcp version: "2.1" to: "2.1" +Welcome to + _____ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ , SM + / ' ' ) ) ) ' ) / / ) ' ) / + ,-/-, . . __ __ __ , / / / / / / /-< + (_/ (_/_/ (_/ (_/ (_/ / ' (_ (__/ (__/ / ) + / + ' + The first 99 & 44/100% anthropomorphic/Furry TinyMu* + +(The SM means that FurryMuck is a Service Mark of the FurryMuck Wizards) +To connect to your existing character, type "connect ". +To receive a new character, send mail to join@furrymuck.com +To see the latest news, type "news" after connecting to a character. +To disconnect from a character, type "QUIT". +Use the WHO command to find out who is currently online. +Use the 'whereare' command to find places with active people. +Use the 'wizzes' command to see what Wizards are on line, or the 'helpstaff' + command to see who of the help staff is on. +Use "connect guest guest" to visit FurryMUCK as a guest. +All users of FurryMuck are bound by our AUP. "NEWS AUP" to read this document. +---- + +Sadly, FurryMuck has lost one of its own. + +S'A'Alis, May 29, 1963 -- September 5, 2012, the Large Furry Marsupial, and a +member of the L'Drey, a space-faring, fox-like species. He was never without his +'Eternally Filled Highly Caffeinated Coffee Mug of Doom'. From 1993 - 1999, +S'A'Alis hosted the servers that FurryMUCK ran on, and was a character creation +wizard 1993-2001. Condolences can be sent to his beloved wife, IceWolf: + +M. Vogt, W5910 Genske Road, Black Creek, WI 54106 + +Life is eternal, and love is immortal, +and death is only a horizon; +and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. + -Rossiter Worthington Raymond + +---- +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +Makyo stretches out and yawns toothily, shaking Makyo's fur out. +Players online for whom you are watching: +Acy Azure Danish Floid +KurtMRufa Makyo MegaWolf Miko +Sarusa Tigerwolf Triggur +Done. +The next scheduled database save will be in 8 mins, 19 secs. +You place a strategic call to one deity or another. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Purple Nurple Foyer(#52464RLJ) +You step in through the door and into a cramped foyer. Advertising +posters plaster the walls and there's another door right in front +of you (east). The door is padded purple vinyl, studded in a diamond +pattern. This is the Purple Nurple, Furrymuck's gay/les/bi nightclub +and meeting place. Feel free to come on in if you are straight too.. we +don't bite (unless you ask nicely ;) There is a sign on the wall next to +the door and a notice where the computer used to be, saying that it's now +in the main room. +Players inside the Nurple: + MegaWolf Turkzyn Kia Kyhwana + Paladin Kuttas Srass Floid + Acy Danish Malken Mundy + Himmel Dachande. Duelist KurtMRufa + Miko JanusFox +[Exits: to the Purple Nurple to Sable Street] +Contents: +PN RULES : READ THIS TO BE ABLE TO ENTER +You enter the PN +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +The Purple Nurple +You are in the Purple Nurple, furry's premier gay/les/bi spot. +The room is large, a converted warehouse - the ceiling's +about fifty feet above the crowded floor. An entire suspended +lighting grid swivels back and forth in the middle of the room, +rigged with a complex array of lights, lasers and mirrors. +The overall effect is of an alien spacecraft hovering about twenty +feet over the dance floor. Huge projection wall-screens flicker +images of furries dancing, clips from anime movies, computer +graphics reels and old cartoons. The music is loud, thumping +techno and house, bass thundering through the gyrating furries +on the dance floor. +To one side is a lounge area, acoustically out of the main thrust +of the speaker stacks allowing normal conversation. A bar with +every drink known is along the wall of the lounge, and +the floor is scattered with heavy-duty beanbag chairs, funky couches, +and other assorted furnishings, all roomy enough for at least two furs. +A small staircase leads up to the Nurple Apartments. +Contents: +MegaWolf +Turkzyn +Kia +Kyhwana +Paladin +Kuttas +Srass +Floid +Acy +Danish +Malken +Mundy +Himmel +Dachande. +Duelist +KurtMRufa +Miko +JanusFox +All complaints --> Rigel +NURPLE ADULT/PG POLICIES ****** PLEASE READ +Bulletin Board +[foodgeeks] Genn says, "Ah ha, and yes, i see why" +Duelist licks you! +Makyo rrf. +You lick Duelist! +Duelist growls quietly, "Hello foxy" +Name Sex Species ('whospe #help' for help) +Makyo N/A Anthro Arctic Foxy +MegaWolf male White Wolf 'Morph +Turkzyn Male Wolf +Kia[idle 5m] male ringtailed lemur (lemur catta) +Kyhwana[idle 2m] male Young morphic'leopard +Paladin Male Big Blond Dingo +Kuttas[idle 21m] male spotted hyena +Srass[idle 6m] male polymorphic black panther (quadruped) +Floid[idle 1h] male Dingo +Acy mALE Chow chow (chow) +Danish[idle 2m] Manmoose Manmoose +Malken[idle 1h] male bipedal immortal lion +Mundy[idle 29m] -unknown- -unknown- +Himmel[idle 12m] Male Cat +Dachande.[idle 3m] Male. Wolf. +Duelist Male Skunk! +KurtMRufa[idle 32m] robot greyhound +Miko[idle 3m] o-> Nut muncher +JanusFox male Cross Fox +You yerf, "Hi skunk." +Duelist growls quietly, "How's you doing?" +Srass says, "ttytter sounds like a utility that helps find and download pictures of ttytts." +Kia says, "ttytties" +Srass nods. +You yerf, "Not...well. Up and down. Whatever, though :o) How're you?" +KurtMRufa snrks. +Duelist growls quietly, "Technical illustration and train layouts to keep my mind busy." +Makyo nod. Packingfox. +Turkzyn sits down. +Duelist growls quietly, "Ah yeah, Canuckyfox, eh?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Where in Canuckville ya headed?" +Turkzyn heads up the stairs. +Turkzyn has left. +You yerf, "Soon enough, yeah :3 Montreal." +Duelist growls quietly, "Montreal? Oh my god." +You yerf, "Hahah, why?" +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah back +Duelist growls quietly, "They're all Habs fans! O.O" +Duelist growls quietly, "You HAVE To wear an Avalanche sweater up there!" +Duelist growls quietly, "That's the old QC team!" +Kyhwana hmms at Srass "Sure! Just on twitter too! +Srass grins. +You yerf, "Awr, haha. Dunno that I'll even be getting out much, honestly. We'll see!" +MegaWolf should booze tonight. +You yerf, "Dunno if we'll be working at the Canonical office or a hotel meeting room, really." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Does spiced rum go with root beer?" +Kyhwana purrrs, "http://www.floodgap.com/software/ttytter/" +Duelist growls quietly, "That might be intense, MegaWoof" +Makyo was going to have a rob roy, but it didn't have any sweet vermouth, so it used lillet instead. Worked out well. +Duelist....rum-n-juice +Duelist growls quietly, "Capt Morgan - Black. Man, that is good rum." +Srass did play with ttytter a while back. +Duelist played with tits awhile back. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I have oakheart." +MegaWolf growls softly, "It's not bad, prefer the Captain" +Duelist growls quietly, "Oakheart and root beer. Hmmm!" +Zhorah noses Duelist. +Duelist growls quietly, "I can't say, man. I wanna say 'sure' but I dunno." +Duelist licks Zhorah! +MegaWolf hrr. Let's see. Oakheart, Bombay Sapphire, Crown Black and butter shots. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I don't think I have any coke." +Duelist growls quietly, "No juice?" +You yerf, "Sapphire straight from the bottle." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I have a lot of that Walgreens glass bottle soda because apparently it's discontinued" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cranberry, oh and I do have tonic water, forgot about that" +Duelist growls quietly, "Makyo!" +You yerf, "Gin and cranberry is good!" +You yerf, "Duelist!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Root beer, cream, black cherry, orange creme, and strawberry creme." +Duelist growls quietly, "Never pull from the bottle....well, in extreme circumstances its ok" +Miko chatters, "You have Kina Lillet?!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cranberry and... gin? I don't think I'd like that. n.n" +MegaWolf doesn't like gin except in G&T +You yerf, "Ah well.." +Duelist totally wanna go drinking, in Vegas, with Makyo. Bring your boy! +Duelist will bring his! +Makyo oooh, nodnod ^^ +MegaWolf growls softly, "I need to stop buying other booze and just buy vodka" +Miko kinda wants a drink. Hasn't had one in ages. +Makyo has... this, Miks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Lillet.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "Vodka and Rum is all you need." +MegaWolf never has amaretto left over after a con because people drink 8 oz glasses of it when he's not looking. +Duelist growls quietly, "Tho the mixers are nice" +Duelist growls quietly, "Mostly anything made by Dekuyper\" +Kyhwana nod at Srass "It's neat. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hot Damn! Is pretty awesome." +Duelist growls quietly, "Cinnamon schnapps." +Miko chatters, "Ah, it sez "currently goes simply by Lillet or Lillet Blanc" on the Wikipedia page." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Buttershots and cream soda? (instant diabeetus!)" +Miko brought a bottle of Hot Damn! from the States once and never figured out anything reasonable to do with it other than pass the bottle around as a sort of prank. c.c +MegaWolf growls softly, "I saw an ad for cinnamon whisky at the liquor store next to the Chinese place tonight" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Sounded kinda good, actually." +Miko chatters, "No, wait!" +Miko chatters, "Is Hot Damn! the one I like?" +Duelist growls quietly, "It's good on a cold evening, Miko, for just that, yes." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Fireball, I think." +Khyber arrives from the foyer. +Miko bought a bottle of something violently pink that was pretty horrible, but he's had this stuff with a.. +Miko chatters, "Ah, Fireball's the one I like. Shots. :3" +Duelist growls quietly, "Hot Damn! is not pink." +Miko chatters, "What's the one I don't like, then?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Need Stoli" +Miko shakes Duelist. "Tell me!" +You yerf, "1 part Bailey's, 1 part Kahlua, dash of hot damn, and you've got an oatmeal cookie." +Miko falls over. +You yerf, "Usually a shot." +Duelist growls quietly, "What what what?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Wait" +KurtMRufa just pours some johnnie walker blue. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I never buy Stoli for a con because it's just barely on the edge of "too expensive for you ungrateful schmucks"" +Khyber walks in, thinks Miko means Aftershock. +Duelist - http://tinyurl.com/26j9tfu +Makyo has scotch, but knows all of the boy's drinks. +Duelist growls quietly, "Taht is Hot Damn!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I did buy Cointreau a few years ago though" +Acy had to stop and sing to his puppy. +Khyber wonders if he sgill has that bottle of tres generaciones... +Duelist growls quietly, "What is THIS?" +Duelist growls quietly, "A 'Hot Apple Pie Shot'" +Acy says, "And she whined." +Makyo's shep will sing along with choral music :3 +Zhorah noses Khyber. +MegaWolf still thinks a chocolate cake shot is bizarre. +Duelist growls quietly, "1 part apple rum, 1/2 part Hot Damn!, graham cracker garnish." +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Mundy ta-dahs http://bit.ly/U8uTiF +Duelist growls quietly, "Hi, Y3NA!" +Khyber pets Zhorah +Kuttas says, "hey." +MegaWolf should just do shots of Crown, really. Also wishes he'd gotten to try the JB Devil's Cut. +Duelist growls quietly, "Is that what I think it is, Mundy?" +Mundy says, "Probably." +Duelist squeeeeeeeze Kuttas! +Duelist growls quietly, "How ya doin', Y3NA?" +Mundy's missing the O-F-O, SPDT switch. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cinnamon schnapps, vanilla vodka, and spiced rum would be a Chai Tea." +Makyo not really a shot fox :/ More a neat-rocks-on-the-side or a tall drink fox. +Duelist uses O-F-O DPDT switches +Duelist has a stupid amount of flavored vodkas. +Duelist growls quietly, "Including CHOCOLATE cake vodka." +Srass says, "I take it O-F-O doesn't mean 'Out Fucking Off' in this context?" +Duelist growls quietly, "On Off On!" +Srass hmms doubtfully. +Duelist growls quietly, "Don't you doubt me!" +Duelist growls quietly, "It can't be an Ooooooooo! switch!" +Srass says, "That's true, if it were an OOO switch, it would be made by the Omniscient Overlords of the Omniverse, and they're all Out Of the Office." +MegaWolf growls softly, "On and off are small enough words that I don't normally see them abbreviated like that n.n" +Khyber whips out some foxnip that smells and tastes of root beer +Mundy says, "O-F-O is easier to type than On-Off-On." +Kuttas is okay, probably. +Srass nods. +Vetiver arrives from the foyer. +Mundy says, "And those circuits actually work as desired too." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, me too" +Duelist growls quietly, "Build me 32 of those, Mundy!" +Duelist cracks the whip! +Kia has disconnected. +Mundy says, "You said you only had 16 switching machines. :)" +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh, ok!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Build me 32 of those, Mundy!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Err" +Mundy says, "Fail. :P" +Duelist growls quietly, "Build me 16 of those, Mundy!" +Duelist cracks the whip! +Duelist has been drinking! He is prone to fail and horny. +Mundy actually ordered one of the switching machines. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hopefully not at the same time!" +Miko is not a shot sqrl by himself. +Acy says, "Yeeagh! Puppy's first fart! D:" +Mundy says, "Porno Disaster." +Duelist would have sent you a switching machine. +You yerf, "Get used to those, Acy :|" +Acy horrified. +Mundy says, "It's very likely that I'll burn it out in testing." +Khyber laughs at Acy +Miko chatters, "I put away quite a lot of Fireball as shots at Oswaldo's once when there was a bunch of people around and I was being pestered to ditch the diet for the evening and get drunk." +Duelist growls quietly, "I dunno, these fuckers are tough." +Dralen arrives from the foyer. +Srass says, "You don't need to get used to those. You just need a cork." +Acy says, "She looks all guilty." +Dralen meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps. +Srass says, "Or possibly a cork with a double reed in the middle." +MegaWolf's dog doesn't do that unless her tummy doesn't agree with her food, which is why she's on Evo Herring and not Beef now. +Kuttas pets Dralen. +Duelist growls quietly, "Ya know....we should all meet in the middle" +Duelist growls quietly, "And drink" +Srass licks Dralen. +Khyber arfs at Dralen +Duelist growls quietly, "What is the middle?" +Mundy says, " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1n3JBQdN84 " +Duelist looks at Vetiver. +Zhorah want hugs +Kia has connected. +Dralen smooches at Srass and leans on Khyber. +Kia frinks. +Khyber wraps dragonfox in tails +Dralen wiggles! +Kuttas reads his 1st ed ad&d books. +Vetiver hmms at Duelist? +Danish hugs Kuttas! +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has connected. +Acy hahaha, he still has some of those. +MegaWolf's dog is too damned smart. +Danish rubs, waves, so on, out. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Is ridiculous!" +Duelist growls quietly, "we got a Y3NA in AK, a droxy in ON and a jaquar in MX. What is 'the middle'" +Duelist growls quietly, " ??" +Srass smooches Dralen. +Danish has disconnected. +Khyber softly says, "the middle is here in California!!!!" +Acy puppy does not like being petted very much. .( +Kia excludes the middle. +Acy :( +Duelist growls quietly, "Apologies, of course, to the Aussie and NZ furs who would put 'the middle' out in the middle of the ocean." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I made a little tether tennis ball on a rope thing to play with her this afternoon. Didn't take her long to figure out to go for the rope and not the ball if she actually wanted to catch it, but she mostly chased the ball anyway." +Vetiver quorks, "Alaska throws off that middle a lot, so it'd be like Montana or Wyoming." +MegaWolf growls softly, "When she got tired of playing, she finally managed to tug it away from me... and wrapped the rope around her paw with it before she lay down to chew on the ball, so I couldn't pull it away anymore." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh, Acy....the puppy will not like to be touched til, like, week 16." +KurtMRufa licks its nose calmly. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya would not let me touch him until about 4 months old." +Duelist growls quietly, "I hear that is a shep thing." +Acy says, "Really? What's up with that?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Mine only likes to be pet when -she- wants to be pet, but that's most of the time. Too much petting and she'll wiggle away though." +Duelist growls quietly, "I couldn't touch Kostya for a couple months and now I can totally snug with him." +Duelist growls quietly, "Very affectionate doggie" +Duelist growls quietly, "But it just takes time." +Srass noses folks, wanders back to the store for a bit. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Don't remember any specific no-touchie age though, she slept on my mom's head her first few nights home." +Srass recoils as a team of carpenters arrive. Brandishing belt sanders, they smooth him down until he's all gone. +Srass has left. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya, when he was a pup, would actually move away from me when I came near. Heh." +Mundy *touches* TIGRSKNK. +Acy says, "You forgot to keep bacon in your pocket." +You yerf, "Zephyr did that too, really, took him being sleepy for petting." +Acy says, "She just fusses a lot when she's sleepy and moves to a different spot to sleep." +KurtMRufa remarks, "Animals are funny." +Acy says, "She tilts her head adoreably when I whistle." +Acy daaaawh. +Duelist licks Mundy! +MegaWolf growls softly, "Mine was a little carpet shark for awhile though, nip nip nip." +Miko chatters, "Did Seapunk ever become a thing?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Do not forget" +Duelist growls quietly, "You are new alpha" +Duelist growls quietly, "She is still getting used to you" +Himmel says, "Piratepunk count, Miko?" +Himmel says, "Because that's pretty popular." +Acy says, "Yeah I know." +Duelist growls quietly, "Soon she will luv you more than anything!" +Duelist growls quietly, "And be the most bestest and loyal friend you have" +Acy could use one of those! +Miko wishes he could have a dawg. +Himmel friends Acy. On FaceBook. +JanusFox is loyal like a fox. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya is my most loyal and bestest friend!" +Duelist growls quietly, "The Noble Dog." +MegaWolf luff teh sheppy puppy. +Acy eek? +MegaWolf growls softly, "Of course they love their treats more than you ;)" +Duelist growls quietly, "Not mine" +Acy says, "She especially likes the bacons flavored treat bits." +Miko chatters, "They're not *cats*." +Acy says, "And she likes turkey and hot dogs." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Mine's favorite is liverwurst" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Also she likes coconut." +JanusFox likes those things to, but not combined. +Acy says, "I haven't tried liver." +Duelist +MegaWolf growls softly, "We can tell when she absolutely loves something because she practically floats towards you like a cartoon" +Duelist's dog like steak +Duelist growls quietly, "And chicken" +Miko chatters, "Dogs are nuts for liver, as a rule." +Duelist growls quietly, "And hamburgers" +Paladin is nuts! +Miko chatters, "You feed your dog steak? You're spoilin' that pup. :3" +Acy says, "I made some liver bits by boiling and chopping liver and drying it out in the oven but I froze it all when otherdog didn't like it." +Miko gives Pal liver. +Duelist growls quietly, "Of course I feed him steak!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I made a coconut lamb for Easter and she ran into the kitchen and stared at me the entire time I was making it." +Duelist growls quietly, "he watches, guards and defends my house!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "The instant I took the top off the coconut flavor" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Dog appears out of nowhere!" +Acy says, "Hehe." +MegaWolf growls softly, "So we got coconut flakes for treats." +Kia thought vultures were the ones who loved liver. every night. +Miko's sister likes raw bloody liver. +Himmel says, "Ew." +MegaWolf's likes steak but it didn't get a "huge eyes floaty dog drooling all over" reaction like the liverwurst. +[public] Frnkzk says, "Come on, everything's better with dinosaurs. Weren't you ever kids?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Remember the rule. If you wouldn't eat it, don't feed it to your dog." +Himmel says, "'Wouldn't'?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I wouldn't eat herring but that's more due to my general loathing of seafood :P" +MegaWolf growls softly, "She luvs her herring Evo" +Himmel says, "I wouldn't eat meat, but I'm not going to kill my potential dog." +MegaWolf growls softly, "She has a sweet tooth too, we finally gave in and got her some carob chip treats." +Makyo nits Himmel. There. Stuff to pick :o) +Duelist petpetpet MakyoFOX +Himmel knits Makyo. Perfect for fluffs. +Makyo's shedding could easily make quite a cozy coat! So luxurious.. +Makyo nosenosenose Duelistskunk. Prf. +Himmel wears Makyo. "I can feel you all around me." +Kia has disconnected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Now I want two sheppies." +You yerf, "Close. Against your skin. Rrrr." +Duelist wants 11 sheps +Himmel purr. +Acy says, "You cannot have mine!" +Duelist growls quietly, "But that was Kostya's idea." +Duelist growls quietly, "I do not necessarily agree." +Acy squeezes his little piglet pup! +You yerf, "Zephyr wants 1 more dog. A mutt." +Zhorah hug so much Makyo +MegaWolf growls softly, "One of our dog trainer's friends has 7 Australian Shepherds." +Makyo hughuuuuuug around Zhorah. +Kuttas wipes his nose. +Duelist growls quietly, "I asked Kostya....3 dogs, 7 dogs, 11 dogs....and he got all excited when I said 11 dogs!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I know they're not quite as nutty as border collies are but that's still a lot of neurotic dog in one house!" +Acy says, "3+ of any animal is crazy cat lady territory." +Acy says, "Except maybe fish." +MegaWolf growls softly, "We may get a second one when she's 5-ish" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'd love to get a golden but the breed is a huge cancer magnet :|" +Himmel o-o Mega. +Duelist growls quietly, "Is dumb!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Blonde dog." +Himmel says, "Very dumb." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Nu-uh. Only the goofy show dogs!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Gun dog is smart!" +Himmel pff! +Himmel says, "Get a 'Mute." +Duelist growls quietly, "That is a yellow lab" +Duelist growls quietly, "Not a golden" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Goldens are gun dogs too!" +You yerf, "Zephyr's half gsd, half border collie. There's a neurosis or eight in there." +Miko chatters, "Poodle is arguably the smartest dog, which seems nuts." +Acy says, "If you get a yellow lab you have to name it Butter." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Eh, mostly the border collie half" +Miko chatters, "GSD's up there too though." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Borders are -nutty-" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cute tho'" +Miko chatters, "Our husky/landseer cross was clever enough to be a smartass." +Acy says, "If I get another dog it'll be a giant schnauzer." +You yerf, "He's a nut." +Duelist - http://www.petmedsonline.org/top-10-smartest-dogs-in-the-world.html +Duelist growls quietly, "Taht list fails at #4" +Zhorah rumbles, "We have a sheep dog and a basset, and my kitten" +Duelist growls quietly, "Golden retriever is dumb" +MegaWolf bites Duelist! +Duelist has defense mechanism!Be careful! +MegaWolf tranqs Duelist for That Operation[tm] +Duelist tranqs MegaWoof for an operation! +Duelist growls quietly, "You don't need those things dangling about" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Descenting isn't nearly as bad as that!" +Duelist growls quietly, "You take something from me, I take something from you." +Himmel takes Duelist's stereo. +MegaWolf takes Duelist's wallet so he can't pay the vet. :D +Duelist growls quietly, "Sorry, I can just dip into the casino stash" +Duelist growls quietly, "And that's in a safe!" +MegaWolf uses the wallet to hire Ocean's 14. +Duelist growls quietly, "Nah nah, just face it" +Dachande. falls over, defeated by a very delicious dinner. +Duelist growls quietly, "You cut on me, you get deballed" +Himmel snrks at D. +Duelist growls quietly, "Snip them fuckers right off." +Himmel says, "Is Kostya fixed?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Skunks need that operation to be outstanding members of society!" +Duelist growls quietly, "So do wolves" +Dachande. says, "Outstanding, or upstanding?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Both!" +Dachande. prevers to be instanding. +Himmel prefers to be downstanding. +MegaWolf hmphs and just gently nips Duelist's nose +Himmel, beta as fuck. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Bad mephit" +Acy would guess that Kostya has his balls. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya is not fixed, correct." +Himmel nods at Duelist. +Acy says, "That does not seem like the sort of thing Duelist would do." +Dachande. pushes Himmel to the ground so he feels happy. +Himmel whimpers. +Dachande. sits on him. +Himmel's muzzle finds its way into places. +Duelist growls quietly, "Ain't no one convinced me that fixing my dog is good for him." +Kia has connected. +Kia finishes watching an old ep of Lost Girl. Then, the Doc. +Himmel points out that good for him is rarely the concern. +Kia calls up Comrade Stalin, who shows up in his orange vest with a broom to sweep the sleepers off to their homes. +Danish nips the arm of whoever's trying to wake him up and scurries back to his den. +Danish has left. +Srass arrives via giant ladle, landing in a quivering blob. In the distance, Satan's lunchlady shouts, "Snaaaaack!" +Srass has arrived. +Duelist growls quietly, "Some butch fucking dyke stood up in front of the county commissioners and told a story about how cutting off my dogs balls will stop the irresponsible owner across town from having his dog breed....but I didn't follow that logic." +Himmel says, "There is no logic." +Himmel sighs. People. +Kuttas hugs Srass. +Srass hugs Kuttas. +Makyo sheds on Himmel: http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/pretties/arctics/10985897.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "Then I called that bitch on it and she got all offended." +Kyhwana beeps at Srass "What did you get from the store? +Duelist growls quietly, "Just cuz some dyke don't wanna see male genetalia don't mean I should cut my dogs nuts off." +Duelist growls quietly, "STOP LOOKING, bitch." +Himmel brushes Makyo in a tub. +You yerf, "Christ, drop it." +Duelist growls quietly, "That fox had a fur-splosion!" +Srass licks Kyhwana's nose. "Whole grain tortillas, for the cranberry almond chicken salad I got earlier." +Kyhwana oohhs +Srass got some Framboise Lambics on the earlier trip. +Kia chuckles a bit. His mother is in favor of neutering all dogs 'cause dog balls are icky. +Acy says, "The penis is a weapon. A tool of opression!" +Khyber pats a fullwuff +Acy says, "The gun, however, is good." +KurtMRufa taps its fingertips together. +Kia says, "All the bullets and bombs and missles are shaped like dicks. " +Khyber has disconnected. +Makyo gonna bath. Probably also take half a muscle relaxant. Will sleep well tonight. +Himmel pets Makyo. +Makyo nuzznuzz at Himmel. +Acy noses Makyerf. +Srass leans over and nibbles interferingly at Kurt's fingertips. +Makyo pett on Acymuzz. +Acy says, "Makyo I'ma visit you at the store somedaya" +Acy! +You yerf, "Please dooooo :D" +Makyo okay really bath. +-- You have left channel 'public' +Kia secretly loves Doctor Who. +Acy says, "Now we all know." +Kia says, "Shh. " +Himmel wants to watch Doctor Who, but he isn't allowed, 'cause he really only wants to watch from season 5 on, and he's been forbidden from doing so until he watches the first four. +Himmel has psychotic Whovian friends. +Miko chatters, "Oh shit, that's what I was gonna watch but forgot." +Kia thinks it's best to start with Eccleston. +Dachande. says, "Watch a couple bakers, then the dude after him, then watch eccleston, then proceed." +Kia says, "It's made for people who know fuck-all about Doctor Who, like most of us who haven't been watching it since 1960. " +Himmel says, "THe First New Doctor, Kia?" +Kia nods. +Himmel says, "I saw some episodes." +Himmel says, "He's cool." +Himmel says, "But." +Himmel says, "I want Matt Smith." +Miko chatters, "I recommend coming down with a wicked stomach flu and lying on a couch watching the first few seasons straight through on a laptop, with a bucket by your side." +Kia says, "Also, don't fall in love with him. He only does one season, and that next guy is even better. " +Himmel knows. +Duelist growls quietly, "ShutthefuckupDachthereisnoTomBaker!!!!!" +MegaWolf needs to find an atorrential way to download everything since The End Of Time. +Himmel chuckles at Duelist. +Himmel says, "But seirously." +Duelist growls quietly, "It NEVER happened!" +Himmel says, "Matt Smith." +Himmel says, "DO Want." +Kia has a lovely Tom Baker scarf. +Dachande. says, "Oh and you have to see all the episodes with Harriet Jones, and Sarah Jane Smith." +Himmel says, "My First Who Fan Friend made the mistake of showing me a clip from the premiere of season five." +Himmel says, "And then forbidding me from watching more than the first episode." +Dachande. says, "Ahh." +Himmel says, "That dick." +Miko chatters, "Is that the one that starts with them on the run?" +Kia's never watched a Tom Baker, but it's not like anyone else has a convenient visual identifier. +Himmel says, "Fishy custard, Miko." +Dachande. nods, "The reluctant regeneration." +Miko chatters, "Ohhh. Nowhere near as good as the opening of season six." +Himmel Wants to see the opening of season six, he supposes. +Miko chatters, "But watch 'em all, anyway. You don't wanna miss The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances." +Miko chatters, "Or Blink." +Kia prrrrs at that one. +Himmel says, "I can go back and watch them. I'd be fine with that." +Himmel says, "But." +Miko chatters, "You may wanna miss the ones with the farting aliens." +Kia says, "Blink is like the first Alien. They introduced an amazing thing, which they later ruined. " +Himmel says, "Weeping Angels/" +Himmel says, "?" +Kia nods. +Miko did not care for the return of the Angels. Apparently they're coming by for a third go 'round soon. <.> +Himmel says, "Yeah." +Dachande. says, "And the warewolf, have to see the warewolf." +Kia nods. They're like the new fucking Daleks. +Himmel says, "They might take Amy, Meekz." +Dachande. says, "Oh and Turn Left." +Kia says, "That one has cat people. " +Dachande. says, "The Library." +Dachande. says, "Okay just all of the Catherine Tate season." +Miko chatters, "Silence In The Library." +Miko chatters, "Gridlock!" +Dachande. says, "Yes that" +Dachande. says, "And Gridlock, it has kittens." +Miko chatters, "Gridlock has a cat dude and a human lady who've had KITTENS." +Kia prrrs. Catherine Tate was the shiz. +Kia says, "That black lady, not so much. " +Himmel downloads an album that features a girl yelling at him that he's a bad person because he's male. +Dachande. says, "Donna made Rose look like a waste. Martha is just badass." +Kia says, "Martha was boring. " +Dachande. says, "Later martha, not early martha" +Miko chatters, "She was a bit of a non-entity in comparison to Donna or Amy, yeah." +Duelist growls quietly, "You are the people who walk up to a Dr Who Pinball machine and ask 'who are those guys on the glass?'" +Kia says, "Rose was chavvy, but she grew on you. " +Dachande. says, "Best part of Rose was her mom. And i watched the classics on netflix too." +Kuttas taps the butt of the spear he is carrying on the ground. Thump, thump-thump.... A dark mist spills out across the ground from that point, flowing outward, chilling the feet of those nearby. +Himmel says, "Nah, nah, I've had the classic doctors beaten into me, Duelist." +Himmel says, "That one what with the coat and stuff." +Duelist growls quietly, "I'm just kidding, really, except I had someone ask me that." +Kia rubs his thumbs. Is it normal for piano to give calluses? Also, he's sort of excited that he's now understanding why people play way up on the keys sometimes. +Himmel says, "... Really?" +Himmel says, "That's sad, D." +Himmel says, "THough." +Himmel says, "I live in Kentucky." +Himmel says, "I didn't even -hear- about Doctor Who until senior year of High School." +Duelist growls quietly, "They think Dr Who started in 2005." +Himmel nods. +Kia laughs his ass off at a certain line. +Acy remembers watching it on PBS as a little kid. o.O +Himmel says, "Well, I'd seen flashes of it on..." +Himmel says, "Uh..." +Himmel says, "Random antenna tv channels." +Himmel says, "Cannot remember for certain. But I only know what it was now." +Duelist as well, Acy. Used to sneak out of bed to watch it on PBS! +Dachande. says, "It was often shown late night pbs." +Dachande. says, "The only station with the balls to play brittish tv." +Himmel puts big, square, plastic glasses on Duelist. "Nard." +Dachande. says, "But really even if ya want to start with Smith, you'll clear through that swiftly, go back and see the rest." +Himmel will! +Himmel is certain he'll be hooked, by then. +Kia says, "More like: We couldn't come up with anything worthwhile to put on our smarty tv channel, so we had to take it from the Brits. " +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh no no, MomTiger was a huge Dr Who fan. USed to go to all the conventions and everything." +Kia says, "Or at any rate, we couldn't appropriate funds for anything to put on our smarty tv channel. " +Himmel says, "... Maybe I'll start watching it, Naruto: Shippuden, and Red vs. Blue at the same time." +Himmel says, "I've made deals with friends." +Dachande. says, "Dude, naruto doesn't end." +Himmel says, "I'll watch their TV Shows, if they watch mine." +Himmel says, "Well, I know." +Himmel says, "But." +Dachande. says, "Just warning ya, you think you're close to the end, you're not." +Himmel says, "And a bunch of it is Filler." +Kia thinks Himmel should watch House of Cards. +Dachande. says, "Good though, very good." +Himmel says, "House of Cards?" +Dachande. says, "Also watch The Killing." +Himmel yeegh. +Kia says, "Brilliant Brit political thriller TV show. " +Himmel says, "I had to find someway to convince friends to watch Supernatural." +Himmel says, "So, I agreed to trade." +Kia says, "Has Ian Richardson, who is so fucking awesome. " +Himmel says, "My one friend who watches Supernatural has seen all of it. Except the two best seasons, 4 and 5." +Kia says, "And his character's intitials are FU. " +Himmel teehees at Kia. +Himmel says, "I dunno. I'm not big on Political thrillers." +Kia says, "It's really, really fucking good. " +Himmel will give it a testdrive. +Kia says, "Francis Urquhart is a monster, and yet delightfully charming. " +Dachande. Fuckit torrents latest who. +Dachande. says, "There's only 3 out so far right? Asylum, spaceship and town yeah?" +Paladin barks, "Yups." +Kia says, "Yesh. " +Himmel says, "If anyone likes modernized, edgy fantasy staples and/or grim takes on judeo-christian mythology, Supernatural is an awesome fuckin' show." +Kia suggests Lost Girl if you like urban fantasy. And hot people. And really short bartenders. +Himmel nudges Dach. "Though, I dunno how you took to it. Didn't ask, afterward." +Himmel says, "I'm okay with urban fantasy." +Himmel googles Lost Girl. +Dachande. says, "Supernatural is a very nice show. It's got a good feel to it, the characters are serious with humor mingled in so it's not too daunting. The writing is witty an the characters are belivable. Also unlike most new scifi shows there's noone from a previous show I recognize so it's not like watching Farscape go through the Stargate." +Dachande. says, "While I've not got around to watching more of it, I would reccomend Supernatural and will most likely watch it myself." +Himmel snickers at Dach. +Himmel says, "Well, the actors are from other things, but they're wildly different." +Vetiver hears 'urban fantasy' and thinks of Lord of the Rings, but set in South-Central. +Himmel says, "Jared Padalecki, who places Sam, was on Gilmore Girls before SPN." +Himmel says, "Er... Who plays." +Dachande. Boooos fucking 500 seeders and 2000 leachers. +Kia says, "Starting at the beginning isn't strictly necessary with Lost Girl, but I wouldn't start with watching, say, the current episode on Sci Fi. It's the end of the season and shit's getting real. " +Dachande. says, "Yeah but I never watched Gilmore Girls as I am not vagina." +Himmel says, "Jensen Ackles, who plays Dean, was on The Young and the Restless. And... something else." +Dachande. says, "Again, penis." +Himmel says, "Oh, yeah!" +Himmel says, "Dark Angel!" +Makyo mrrp, mrrp. +Kia says, "Urban Fantasy is, say, Buffy. Or Charles de Lint's ten thousand books that are all the same. " +Himmel says, "Oooh, I loved Angel." +Himmel says, "And Buffy, except for a lot of the main characters." +Dachande. says, "Buffy was good until the weremonkey then it got a bit silly." +Himmel liked buffy for Willow and Seth Green's character and Angel and Spike, kind of. +Himmel says, "But Spike is totally better with Angel than Buffy." +Himmel says, "I mean that in every way possible." +Kia needs to finish watching Buffy sometime. +Dachande. says, "Boo ep2 finished before ep1" +Dachande. says, "Damnit! I keep forgeting to not download everything into the porn folder =P" +Kia says, "It's all porn. Just some of the people are wearing more clothes and fucking less. " +Kuttas says, "What is this 'Buffer' and 'Spike' of which you speak?" +Dachande. says, "Late 90" +Kia says, "Buffy: She was a vampire slayer. " +Kia says, "Spike: He was a vampire. He also briefly showed up in a Ninth Doctor episode, I think. " +Dachande. says, "Er late 90's tv urban fantasy dramas revolving around vampires, witches, lesbians, and david boreanas. who i think is spelled his name right, but hes the guy on bones." +Himmel says, "Yeah, that's his name." +Kuttas snerks. "Bones." +Kia says, "Looking, by the way, like shit warmed over. " +Himmel says, "David Boreanas is a studmuffin." +Himmel says, "I'd give him Bones." +Kia tsks at the Doctor. Never realized he wore fucking CLIP-ON suspenders. +Acy hahah. +Dachande. says, "Well yeah he's a normal guy, not going to have tailored buttons." +Kia says, "Proper suspenders are the Height of Fashion. Clip-on suspenders are trashy. " +Kia, sort of baffled by this new firm he may move to. They're casualer. But lemur has a certain personal brand-style that involves his suspenders. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Azure yips, "BHello, creatures."" +You yerf, "Hello, fox." +Himmel says, "Casual and vintage formal are easily conbined, Kia." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hello miniscule foxy!" +Himmel... combined* +Dachande. says, "the last guy wore chucks with suits, they tend to have a little something common among the fashion, it helps them blend in." +Dachande. says, "Except for the question mark doctor, but we don't talk about him much." +Kia --hat, suspenders, french cuffs and button collars. +Himmel says, "Eccleston was hugely cas." +Dralen flops. +Duelist pets upon diminutive vulpine! +Azure does not really care for sneakers with suits. +Azure noses Duelist, "Hello, giant skunk." +Himmel says, "Black jeans, boots, teeshirt, leather jacket." +Kia regularly wears sneakers with his suit, until he gets to work. +Dachande. says, "Eccleston looked like he worked at the docs, but as a gangster more so than a fish monger." +Duelist is economy sized! +Himmel nods. +Kuttas hugs Azure. +Miko chatters, "How do normal suspenders attach?" +Miko chatters, "Are there buttons on the pants?" +Kia says, "Yes. " +Dachande. says, "Some come with buttons installed, otherwise ya get a tailor to stick em on." +Dachande. says, "Like Larry King and his jeans." +Kia says, "Brits tend to put the buttons on the outside; US puts them on the inside, because that's where they belong. " +Dachande. says, "Outside looks better though, otherwise it's like you're hitchin em to your britches." +Azure hugs Kuttas. +Kia disagrees. +Kia is slowly drifting towards removing the belt loops from his suit trousers. +Dachande. says, "Personaly I like the style that attach to belt loops." +Azure yips, "You aren't even supposed to see the suspenders." +Himmel says, "You aren't." +Kia says, "Azure is espousing the super-trad opinion, under which suspenders are rather like underwear. " +Miko chatters, "Bleah." +Himmel says, "It's very plebeian, very pedestrian, to show one's suspenders." +Azure yips, "That's why I only wear suspenders under a jacket mostly." +Himmel says, "Only a working man need take off his jacket." +Azure yips, "Though I do have a pear of clip-ons I wear with jeans if I'm doing moving." +Srass hugs Azure with a foreleg, carefully. +Azure yips, "Since I find if I'm bending and wiggling around suspenders are better than a belt." +Kia'd feel rather silly wearing his angels-and-devils suspenders if no one could see them. +Azure yips, "Ornamentation belongs on your tie :)" +Dralen meeeeeeps. +Dachande. says, "I think they're like undies, i wear fancy nice looking underwear that matches the main color of my clothes for my own pleasure, not the showing of others." +Kia does not wear a tie if he can possibly avoid it. +Azure doesn't really like 'cutesy' ties. +Srass says, "That's like wearing spiderman underoos, Kia. Some things are better left hidden." +Azure yips, "Though someone did get me a really nice royal blue one with a random pattern of lightning bolts I'm quite fond of." +Kia disagrees! but then he's the one who's made this a thing of his. +Kia says, "WOrthy of note: Ladies love the suspenders. " +Himmel says, "Kia: do suspenders go over or under a waistcoat?" +Dachande. says, "Laides love them because they can line them over thier nipples and show all of the fun bags with out getting arrested." +Kia doesn't generally wear a three-piece, but they'd go under. This is fairly obvious, since the waistcoat extends below the waist of the pants. +Duelist growls quietly, "ClassyFox." +Azure has one three-piece and one two-piece. Tends to wear the three piece more at night and the two piece in the day. +Kia doesn't *ever* wear a three-piece, actually. Not that it's not pretty awesome, but jesus h. He sweats enough as is. +Azure yips, "Plus the two piece is a nice light grey and I think it goes better with the bright violet and electric blue shirts." +Makyo has 3-piece from wedding. Wears it very rarely, because yeah, sweating >:/ +Himmel says, "YOu would hate my typical style, Kia, maybe." +Azure yips, "The three-piece is a dark charcoal and I generally wear a white shirt, mother of pearl cuff links, and a more conservative tie with it.," +Kia also may or may not have Millenium Falcon cufflinks. +Azure has three pears of cuff links, one lapis, one mother of pearl, and one just stainless steel. +Kuttas says, "What are the pieces?" +Duelist naturally, when talking about suits, recommends double breasted. +Himmel says, "Though I must thank you. I've just realized a need for Braces." +You yerf, "Slacks, jacket, vest, Kuttas." +Kuttas wears jeans pretty much all the time. The only suit he owns is a military uniform. +Kia has his Millenium Falcons, his 1950s subway tokens, his 3 kopek pieces, the art deco ones he can't actually put on, and the ones made from .45 Long Colts. +Himmel combines waistcoats and dress shirt with flared jeans with frayed hems and maybe holes at the knees or under the ass. +Kuttas says, "Ah. So, in the two piece, is it slack and jacket? Or jacket and vest?" +Kuttas knows a number of people who wear jacket, vest, and jeans. +KurtMRufa's player got a suit in high school and still has that same one. +Kia isn't paying nearly enough attention to this Dr. Who. +Duelist has many suits because, well, he likes wearing 'em +Himmel does have this glorious brown suit. +Azure used to have a three piece double breasted coal black suit he adored, but it ended up being Severely Damaged due to him wearing it all the time. +Himmel says, "I hate brown clothing, I should note." +Himmel says, "Doesn't work well with my complexion." +Kia likes his suits. And... fuckity fuck. +Azure says to Himmel, "But, really, I wear way too much colour on a daily basis to be properly 'trad'." +Himmel says, "But this suit is -beautiful-. And manages to work." +Himmel chuckles at Azure. +Kia'd meant to swing by CitiShoes and pick up some stuff to apply to his horse's-ass shoes. :( +MegaWolf totally fails at fending off RL +Kia, having spent a stupid amount of money on these shoes, wants to treat them really, really well. +You yerf, "Slacks and jacket for 2-piece, yeah :o)" +Kuttas wears what he normally wears. Blue Jeans, carhartt shirt, plaid Woolrich overshirt, boots and belt. +Azure tends to go for something like, say, dark grey slacks, light grey jacket, bright violet shirt, and a nice geometric or striped tie. +Duelist should get a new suit. Hmm! +Azure yips, "And a silk square, of course." +Kia recommends MyTailor.com. +Kia says, "Best if Mr. Whatzisnuts, the owner, comes to your town, but always good. " +Kia says, "Hemrajani, that's his name. " +Duelist just goes to Caesar's Palace and buys a Dolce and Gabbana and has it fit to him. +Kia says, "Better to have a suit made-to-measure for you from scratch. Your fabric, your choices for everything. " +Azure admits he really wants to get a proper linen suit made for summer time. +Duelist growls quietly, "Not when you change sizes like I do." +Dralen can't afford pretty clothes. "Mexx and Buffalo. Can't afford D&G or Zegna. +Kia would like a linen suit, but dunno how it'd go over. Maybe if he switches to the not fox firm. +Azure yips, "And species." +Duelist growls quietly, "Ahh, I used to go Armani,but that's so played....and then I found D&G and just really liked 'em." +Dachande. wears $15 jeans and $20 shirts, looks like a fat fuck. +Kia says, "And a... thingy. " +Kia brainfarts. +Miko chatters, "Hello, me." +Kia says, "The other summer fabric. Not madras; I don't want to look like a degenerate gambler. " +Kia says, "Seersucker. " +Duelist has linen and seersucker suits. Required out here. +Dralen says deeply, "Versace fits me to a T, but no way I can afford Versace." +Azure yips, "Seersucker?" +Kia really wants to roll into work in a seersucker, straw fedora, and spectators. +Azure yips, "I like madras." +Duelist growls quietly, "Nothing fits me. The standard drop for a US suit is 6 inches. My drop is 14." +Azure yips, "Actually my favourite thing to wear in the summer is a linnen jacket, madras shirt, and a pair of darkish brown slacks." +Kia points at MyTailor! +Darkness arrives from the foyer. +Azure yips, "White shoes and a panama." +Darkness waves. +Makyo rrf, so much for early bed. Gulps down half a muscle-relaxant and sprawls, about bedtime. +Srass wavesw. +Kuttas waves. +Duelist has a panama hat :) +Duelist wave too +Azure has been accused of drifting straight out of 'business casual' and into 'business technicolor', though. +Kia likes madras too. His standard summer wear involves madras shorts. But he'd never do slacks or a sportcoat in it, because... again, he'd look like a degenerate railbird. +Himmel wishes he was a chick, when thinking on Fashion. +Azure yips, "Chicks don't get pockets." +Azure yips, "I just wish I were in the 19th century." +Himmel says, "Steampunk is so much easier when you're a girl, though." +Azure yips, "It is?" +Himmel nods at Azure. +Dachande. says, "So true" +Azure yips, "They have to do corsets and crap." +Azure yips, "Men get all the good clothes in steampunk." +Azure would so love to be able to get away with going to work in a frock suit. +Makyo hands out cheek-kisses, because you all are wonderful. Will idle here, again, until disconnected for exactly the same reason. +Himmel says, "Yes, but those are far more readily available than, say, a functionally single-piece waistcoat." +Duelist growls quietly, "You are a gentleman, Azure" +Duelist growls quietly, "And, as such, you should dress appropriately." +Himmel says, "Or perhaps it's just my locale." +Azure yips, "That is true, it always annoys me how much old design clothing is made like costumeware instead of something you'd actually wear." +Himmel nods. +Duelist - http://www.gentlemansemporium.com/gentlemans.php +Himmel thanks Duelist a lot. +Azure does seriously want an opera cloak now, though, ever since he had a dream in which he was fighting a duel in one. +Kuttas hmms. He hasn't been to that site in a while. +Miko likes suits on under-25s and over-60s. +Himmel throws three weeks' worth of checks at the 'Vest' section. +Skylos arrives from the foyer. +Skylos softly barks, "woof!\" +Skylos sits. +Azure listens to some Ambient Metal. +Miko also has an outfit that he lately just wears and wears and wears and then washes and then wears again. +Azure grins at Duelist, "Well, I believe in the Nikola Tesla school of fashion. Nothing says "I spend my days working on fantastic technical problems and trying to revolutionize the world" like a really nice suit. +Kia says, "Azure: Become Solicitor General of the United States. " +MegaWolf puppy sleeping in her box. +Azure asks Kia, "Why?" +Duelist growls quietly, "I agree, Mr TinyFox." +Kia says, "On the rare occasion that the SG goes to court, they wear morning dress. " +Kia says, "Stripey pants, frock coat and all. " +Miko chatters, "Dark gray worn and frayed bootcut jeans, black zippered and twin-breast-pocketed knit thing with shoulder thingies and horizontal grey stripes in pairs, snug short black leather jacket with hood. Black slip-on tennis shoes. They all just go super well." +Azure ooohs. +Miko doesn't have any other ensembles that fit so well so he just doesn't wear anything else any more. c.c +Darkness sits quietly on one of the couches. +Azure suspects having his background in mathematics rather than law would somewhat impede this goal. +KurtMRufa remarks, "Pants." +Azure asks Darkness, "How do you do?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Men should dress finely." +Dralen dresses like a hipster. +Kia says, "Law schools exist. " +Miko thinks really young guys in suits &c look cute, and old men in the full getup look charmingly dapper. +Kia knows this from personal experience. +Miko chatters, "Anyone in between.. eh.. look like they're in accountancy." +Miko chatters, "Unless they're going nuts with the waxed moustache and cane." +Duelist growls quietly, "Then they ain't wearing the right suit, Miko" +Kia says, "Depending on your specific educational background, you could wind up in patent prosecution, which is a really lucrative niche. On the other hand, it won't make you SG of the US. " +Azure yips, "Yes, but I'm pissed off at patent law." +Kia says, "Well, it is sort of rubbish. " +Azure did have fun chatting with the Patent Attorney, though. +JanusFox has disconnected. +JanusFox @batbats his ISP, but, to no avail. He wimpers as he fades out. +Miko chatters, "Couldn't you fight the other side as a patent lawyer?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Calvin's dad was a patent attorney" +Azure yips, "he even gave us the "You don't have to like it. You have to accept the law as it is and act rationally." speech." +Azure yips, "Which I respected quite a lot." +Darkness looks up to Azure. "I am well. How are you?" +Miko chatters, "OK, not all guys under 25 look good in the full kit. Zac Efron just looks like a giant douche when he wears a suit." +Miko image googling, aimlessly. +Azure smiles at Darkness, "I'm doing qutie well, thank you." +Dralen says deeply, "Adrien Brody looks pretty fucking hot in a sharp suit." +Kia says, "Patent prosecution is specifically the practice of applying for and getting patents with the USPTO. " +Miko chatters, "I think it's because he always looks so rumpled." +Miko chatters, "I mean, not the suit. The guy inside it." +Kia says, "It requires, because of what you have to do to practice before the USPTO, a specific educational background. " +Miko chatters, "It's the contrast." +Kia says, "Patent litigation is a different specialty, which is basically just a litigator who litigates patent cases. " +Azure aaahs. +Kia says, "Helps to have a technical background, but isn't required. " +Darkness smiles. +Miko titters at http://cs1.fashionising.com/media/suit-trends/three-piece-suit-2011.jpg +Azure can't wait until his danged patents get approves so he can point to them and say, "See? SEE?" when he applies for jobs. +Himmel says, "Those gloves are -perfect- with that, Miko." +Duelist growls quietly, "You will lose, Azure." +Miko chatters, "I didn't even notice the gloves." +Miko chatters, "But they are indeed very rapey gloves." +Azure yips, "Lose?" +Skylos heard a series of gunshots nearby after police went buy with lots of sirens vrooming and horns. Then there was a helicopter. Then the helicopter went away. +Azure yips, "Lose what?" +Miko chatters, "And so go very well with the rest of the "date rapist" Halloween costume." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yep, someone with a much huger patent litigation budget will just steal your patent." +Miko scratches his head. Is this a bad suit? http://www.ahfashion.com/products_pictures/Sharcoal.jpgM.jpg +Himmel says, "I think, instead of sunglasses, he ought to have gone with a hat, either also-solid-black or also-pinstriped." +Himmel says, "I would say, yes, Miok." +Miko chatters, "Because that looks just terrible. That's like a nasty cheap supermarket suit, right?" +Duelist growls quietly, "It'd be a nicer suit if it fit him properly, Miko." +MegaWolf patents the method of soothing small blue foxes with a FoxBox +Himmel says, "Miko." +Azure yips, "Oh, I wouldn't litigate it." +Azure yips, "I'd be very put off with my employer if they tried it." +Himmel says, ":nods." +Azure yips, "And offer to testify for the defense." +Miko chatters, "It looks like it's too tight at the shoulders and too loose at the waist, yeah." +Kia isn't so sure about his fall hat. May be time to visit Pork Pie again. +Duelist growls quietly, "Bottom line, Patent is all about money. If you got the budget, you win the idea." +Azure yips, "I just like it since it's a matter of public record and I can actually show off the technical details of something I've worked on." +Miko chatters, "Right, yes, it's a $189 suit." +Darkness is enveloped in a sparkling glow as a space/time rift envelops her and she winks out of sight. +Darkness has left. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Or some European guy named Einstein steals it and loses your application." +Miko chatters, "Or Thomas Edison crosses your name out and writes his in." +Azure doesn't even think it should have been patentable. +Azure hisses at THomas Edison. +Azure yips, "The Steve Jobs of the electrical world." +Duelist growls quietly, "May 9, 2008, Tech Crunch reports MIT students demonstrating their Android apps. Winner is an app called Locale which allows a user to dynamically change their phone settings based on location. June 26, 2008 Apple files a patent app to patent 'allowing a user to dynamically change their phone settings based on location'." +Kia shakes his fist at Thomas Edison and pets his pigeons. Whom he loves. Like women. +Duelist - http://techcrunch.com/2008/05/09/mit-students-demonstrate-their-android-applications/ +Miko chatters, "I didn't realize the "size 00" trend in fashion models extended to men. All these dudes modeling for Dolce & Gabbana's suits look like they've got corsets on under there." +Himmel whiiiiiiiines: http://tinyurl.com/8jrwjqm +Duelist growls quietly, "Apple has a HUGE patent litigation budget. THat's how they innovate." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'm going to laugh so hard when the Apple bubble finally pops" +Azure yips, "The iPhone 5 is a fairly good sign it's starting to." +Kia says, "This will make you feel better, Miko. http://worldwideinterweb.com/component/k2/item/1444-the-ultimate-runway-model-fails-compilation.html" +Mundy shows http://www.digikey.com/product-detail/en/CD14538BE/296-14074-5-ND/525847 to TIGRSKNK. +Himmel says, "Social apps are really popular." +Miko chatters, "Poor girls." +Duelist O.O +Kuttas idles. +Mundy says, "I think I'm gonna order some of these on Monday." +Duelist growls quietly, "What is that?" +Himmel says, "Multivibrater?" +Himmel says, "Vibrator, rather." +Mundy says, "Imagine the breadboard pic I showed you, shriveled up into a single IC chip, with power and LEDs connected to it." +Kia's favorites, in order, are: the one who walks off the stage, the one who falls into the pool, and the one who gets hit by the giant pendulum. +Duelist huhs. +MegaWolf gets a headache looking at digikey's website +Kia idles briefly. +Mundy says, "Cheaper and easier." +Kuttas has been saying multivibrator all along. Monostable, bistable, and astable. +Duelist growls quietly, "How is this useful to me?" +Kuttas now idles +Himmel rub Yenaears. +Duelist growls quietly, "Is true! Y3NA has been saying that!" +Mundy says, "More useful to me, because it'll be easier to work with. But produces the same results." +Mundy says, "And you didn't go to Y3NA to make these? :)" +Duelist growls quietly, "I did! But Y3NA is a hard workin' yena and is busy!" +KurtMRufa licks its nose. +Mundy says, "Also.. You gonna be using N-Scale switch lights?" +Miko nuzzles and goes to bed. He was intending to get up five hours from now, but guesses he'll sleep in. +Miko winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Miko has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has disconnected. +Srass helps Kurt lick its nose. +Srass compares and contrasts the taste with that of Kuttas' nose. +Duelist growls quietly, "I was just gonna use LEds" +Mundy says, "Little tiny LEDs with wires running to the controller?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Sure!" +Acy sees his piglet looking at him! +Acy daaaawh! +Acy wrassles with little piglet! +Mundy needs to know stuff before building anything. ^.^; +MegaWolf hrms. Video won't run for him despite telling Noscript to "allow all" five times in a row. +Duelist growls quietly, "Let me see here" +Mundy says, "Like.. Where are these controller modules gonna be located? At the switches, or at a central control spot." +Duelist growls quietly, "Man, wiring a train is a bitch!" +Duelist growls quietly, "CEntral control spot" +Kuttas wriggles his nose. His nose tastes like hyena and [redacted]. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I should probably upgrade firefox" +Srass tastes hyena repeatedly. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'm still on 3.latest" +Kuttas tastes more and more like hyena. He noses along Srass' gigantic panthernoggin. +Srass rumbles, and paws gently at Kuttas. +Kuttas wraps his arms around Srass' neck and clings close. +MegaWolf's still annoyed with Firefox suddenly jumping 10 numbers in a year or so +Srass hugs Kuttas close. +Mundy says, "Hmm.. Also.. How many blinken lights per switch track are we looking at?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Blink?!" +Azure yips, "Well, yeah, that was a stupid decision." +Duelist growls quietly, "They don't blink!" +Azure yips, "I blame Google." +Mundy biteys TIGRSKNK. +Mundy says, "One pair per switch?" +Kia prrs at Otello. So dramatic. +Duelist growls quietly, "I don't understand!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Hang on...." +Kia looks forward to seeing one of the Three Tenors conduct it. +Kia, pleased to have seen Placido sing in The Mysterious Island, too. +Duelist - http://tinyurl.com/8et2ff6 +Mundy says, "You have two LEDs.. One indicates left-side, the other right-side." +Duelist growls quietly, "The LED determines which side is open" +Mundy says, "So these LEDs are gonna be on the 'main control'." +Mundy says, "Nothing out there in the model?" +Mundy says, "Also.. This begets another question.. Are you gonna have a control panel for the switches like that pic?" +Skylos has disconnected. +Skylos has connected. +Duelist growls quietly, "Yes" +Mundy says, "Okay." +Mundy says, "This is a critical bit of info for the enclosure of the controller. ^.^" +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has disconnected. +Himmel orgasms in his ears. +Somewhere on the muck, Tilton has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Rollo has connected. +Dachande. says, "Ugh i hate getting that out of my ear, harder than up the nose" +Makyo hands out cheek-kisses, because you all are wonderful. Will idle here, again, until disconnected for exactly the same reason.p #away Snoozin' +Mundy says, "Or inbetween the keys." +Kyhwana mrrp +You say, "fuck phones" +Kuttas climbs up on top of Srass and sprawls. +Mundy ponders tiny little black boxen with screw terminals all over. +Himmel snugs Makyo. +Away message and away flag are now set. +Srass reaches up and pets Kuttas, lazily. +You say, "just trying to set away :S nighty for real" +Duelist smooch Makyo! +Kuttas pets Srass back, sprawling lazily. +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +Rollo arrives from the foyer. +Rollo waves gently +Skylos softly barks, "Rollo!" +Skylos hugs otter +MegaWolf licks the not-asleep-Makyo :> +Rollo churrrs, and hugs the nice doggie +Skylos smiles and petpets the nice otter. +Kia checks on the shipping status of his lifetime supply of lube. +Kuttas kinda craves Chinese food again +Skylos softly barks, "a 55 gallon barrel of j-lube powder?" +Makyo just a paranoid fox. Very. REally bed now, though y'all can keep the resmooching. +Kia says, "An 8+1 pack of bad-dragon cumlube clear. " +Himmel would enjoy a bad dragon product. +Kia checks on the shipping status of his outrageous order of large silicone appliances. +Acy says, "Night kids." +Duelist o.o +Acy has disconnected. +Kia has a bad dragon product. Likes it, more or less. Not a huge fan of the knot, though. +Kuttas wonders which one. +Himmel probably wouldn't require a knot. +Kuttas pets Himmel. "Silly cat." +Himmel says, "The Dragon Toys are particularly appealing." +Himmel says, "As is the Gryphon." +Kia hmms and thinks he's going to get a fucking huge delivery of a) lube, b) huge fucking silicone toys and c) snuff on Monday. +Himmel is soft. +Skylos softly barks, "tell me of the silicon toyes" +Kia has the Faerie Dragon. http://bad-dragon.com/products/elden +Skylos but you getting new ones? +Dralen wants to get a new Bad Dragon toy, but can't afford it. +Himmel oooooooohs. +Himmel says, "The Earth Dragon looks veeeeery nice." +Kuttas shakes his head. "Ridged are not cool... +Himmel | http://bad-dragon.com/products/clayton +Kia whispers about things to Skylos. None of the rest of you need to know about his perversions. +Duelist is keen on Bad Dragon. Great business model. +Rollo has disconnected. +Kuttas says, "Oh? What's their business model?" +Kia says, "Sell perverted sex toys to perverts. " +Himmel oooooh: http://bad-dragon.com/products/cole +Duelist growls quietly, "Well, the artist draws lewd porn to get his fans all hot-n-horny" +Duelist growls quietly, "Then, all of a sudden,you can buy the dick featured in the lewd porn!" +Kuttas cackles. +Kia thinks that the lewd porn looks like everyone is made of rubber. +Duelist growls quietly, "It's a great idea." +Duelist growls quietly, "And, clearly, it works." +Duelist growls quietly, "Then you 'buy' a popular porn site and get free advertising." +Dachande. says, "Oi none of them dragon toys look like they'd be good up the ass." +Kuttas says, "They own a porn site?" +Himmel says, "For vids of people testing toys." +Himmel says, "Well. Using, not just testing." +Kuttas says, "Oh. Hmm." +Skylos softly barks, "I LOVE my dragon toy 'bruiser fusion' up the ass. And my drippy dragon. And my david the werewolf." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Whowhuh?" +Kia quite likes his Eldon, but again... lemur seems not to work well with knots. Apparently he has the "made to be fucked by horses rather than dogs" gene. +Himmel is also rather enamored with that one, Skylos. And also, the liger. +Himmel says, "Bruiser and David, I mean." +MegaWolf @.@ +MegaWolf stays outta this one. n.n +Kuttas says, "So, anyway." +Kuttas says, "How 'bout them Royals?" +Duelist growls quietly, "They're no good, man" +Kia supposes he needs to get himself a Reds hat. +Himmel says, "They suck." +Kia, sort of hoping for the Yanks to flame out so that he doesn't get stuck with a Reds-Yanks world series. +Skylos softly barks, "I think I can see the pattern though Kia." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oakland A's. That's the team!" +Skylos softly barks, "the less emphasized the knot the more fun it is." +Kia frinks? +Skylos softly barks, "Like I have a bad dragon 'ridgeback' original design" +Skylos softly barks, "that's FRICKING AWESOME to be fucked by" +Skylos softly barks, "Its just really hard to find somebody who will fuck me with it." +Kia says, "No, it's not that. The knot is pleasant enough, but once it's in you just feel really full... and then ou have to get it out again. And that is less fun. " +Skylos softly barks, "I even wrote a fan fiction about it." +Skylos likes to play with sliding knot in and out. +Skylos softly barks, "http://dogpawz.com/skylos/indexes/title-dragoncock.html" +Duelist sits by Kuttas. He got no idea about these toys. He just uhh....has sex. Heh. +Kia likes a bit of that feeling of pulling inside, but the knot thing is too much. Also, we are totally going to get bitched out fby someone for breaking the rating in here, right? Didn't that happen a few nights ago? +Skylos softly barks, "duelist has a partner that will have sex with him." +Kuttas says, "So, yeah. How about we spare the graphic descriptions of what you do with your toys, eh? PG-13 and all." +Skylos softly barks, "that's a nice thing to have." +Kia, psychic. +Himmel decides to save up for Clayton. Nods. +MegaWolf blinks. +Kia doesn't like Clayton. Ugly. +Kuttas says, "I'm not bitching anyone off, Kia. You can get off your horse now." +Kia was on a horse? +Kuttas nudges Duelist. +Kia thought he was on a boat. +Floid suggests the Zeta tiger, anyhey. +Kuttas says, "I kinda want chinese food." +Skylos softly barks, "clayton looks nice and ripply." +Himmel disagrees, Kia! +Duelist hms! "Do they have Chinese food up there?" +Himmel says, "No, D. It's all Whale Blubber." +Kuttas says, "Of course! As much as anywhere, anyway." +Kia says, "De gustibus, Himmel. " +Floid says, "Also, wait, wait." +Floid says, "Kia, you just ... you're into SNUFF PORN?" +Dralen says deeply, "I thought you enjoyed riding your horse, Kia :D" +Kia says, "No, no. " +Dralen says deeply, "Nono, Floid. Snuff the tobacco format." +Floid says, "That was the pun kids." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Man, anime with half serious realistically drawn characters and half cartoony emoticon/Snarf characters is just annoying to watch." +Himmel snickers. +Kia says, "https://mistersnuff.com/" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Visually annoying." +Floid says, "It was basically the worst pun ever, hence the warning shot." +Kia may or may not have a small collection of HorseMage pics, but that's beside the point. +Duelist peers at Kuttas! "I am surprised by that. Are there any places open right now? Delivery?" +Kuttas says, "Yeah, but they won't deliver out here in the sticks. I'll have to go in. The Buffet is open until 10:30" +Duelist hmms! Buffet! +Floid also scrolls up. Do not underestimate the popularity of the iPhone 5. Everyone at the office wants one even though they do not know why. Fashion symbol + this year's Buick. +MegaWolf nips Floid's dingo-y parts +Duelist do like buffet! +Dralen lives in Chinatown in Toronto. Can get Chinese food until about 3am. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Dingos!" +Kuttas does, too. He eats like a hyena. c.c +Floid says, "I cannot totally bitch about the 'we ran out of other things to do so we started figuring out how to improve the voice quality' part, though." +Kia shows up at Dralen's for dim sum. +Floid says, "That'll be nice when it trickles down into cheapphones." +Kia does not like NY chinatown. It's filthy, smells bad, and is crowded. Plus, it's full of Chinamen. +Floid says, "It does have That Smell to it, whatever that is." +Kia says, "Plus, it keeps expanding. " +Kia doesn't even understand it. Chinamen shouldn't be able to afford Manhattan. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Little Italy is now Little Tokyo" +Floid says, "Culturally I think the haggling thing runs deep there." +Floid does not recall much Tokyo there, Mega. +Kia says, "Nah, Little Italy is still there, but it's basically Disneyland. " +Floid says, "LI is down to one street, like, though. Is Puglia's still there?" +Kuttas says, "They have those little sugar-stuffed doughballs rolled in sesame seeds. They're delicious." +Kia says, "A couple blocks of red sauce restaurants. " +Dralen says deeply, "We'll go for dumplings next time, Kia." +Kuttas says, "Plus the steamed pork dumplings that remind me of mandu." +Kuttas says, "Hmm... perhaps I should go to the Korean restaurant, instead. I haven't had kimbap in forever." +Kia has occasionally wound up in Chinatown when running southwest. He's never happy about it. He's actually given up on running that direction--has realized that, while hitting USq sucks, it's like two blocks of pedestrian congestion. SoHo is block after block after block of hell. +Himmel purrpurrpurr, Kimbap. +Kia once wound up in TriBeCa when running southeast, which he almost never does. Lemur was lucky to make it back home. The streets down there make no sense. +Kia says, "And it's not like the Village, where at least you can occasionally sight off of the Freedom Tower. " +Kia says, "No landmarks at all. Just lots of little streets going off in no direction at all. " +Kia finally found the FDR and walked home. +Dralen had good Ethiopian the other day. "I'm lucky... I live in a neighborhood with just about any kind of major cuisine you could name. +Dralen says deeply, "In under 10 minute walk." +Dralen says deeply, "Under 5 for most." +Kia has that here too. +MegaWolf growls softly, "We have chinese and seriously overpriced thai" +Kia tried to take the ex for Ethiopean once. The walk was five minutes. The wait at the restaurant was more like 30 +MegaWolf growls softly, "And chain restaurants" +Kia still needs to get someone to go provide moral support for his battle with phaal. +Himmel says, "Pride goes before the Phaal." +Kuttas points at the lazing sleepers and goes all tribal, shouting, "Ki'i ki-rharg, ki'i etya stye ngyet-ngye!" +Rollo is sent home. +Rollo has left. +Khyber growls and lets the broom sweep him into a portal, but not before snapping it's handle. +Khyber has left. +Acy is sent home. +Acy has left. +JanusFox takes the hint and heads off someplace more quiet. +JanusFox has left. +MegaWolf squeek-meep Dralen +Kia wants to get on the Phaal of Fame. +MegaWolf noms on Floid, because dingo. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has reconnected. +Kia says, "Dingos nom on others. Mostly babbies. " +Kia says, "How are they formed, anyway? Babbies, I mean. Not dingoes. " +Himmel says, "How -is- babby formed?" +Kia wants to know how girl get pragnent. +MegaWolf pokes at Floidingo, who doesn't really seem to do much of anything at all. +Dralen smooches on Mega. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I think I should exchange him" +Kia gives Floid a pinch of snuff. Porn. +KurtMRufa teleports away. +KurtMRufa has left. +Somewhere on the muck, KurtMRufa has disconnected. +Kia says, "Benoit." +Dralen says deeply, "Balls." +Dralen says deeply, "See? It's automatic." +Kia kisses Dralen. :) +Dralen grins. +Mundy says, "Babby ate my balls." +Kia is going to introduce a coworker to Archer tomorrow. +Kia has already given her The Big Lebowski. Not to be confused with the Dude, or His Dudeness, or Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing. +Kuttas drapes over Srass. +Srass curls around and nuzzles along Kuttas. +Kia manages a 3/5 on the Composers edition of Truth or Fail. +Floid awws, his scrollback doesn't extend all the way to 'before he connected and immediately went to sleep.' +Kia hates that the vlogbrothers do not do all of the Truth or Fails. >:( +MegaWolf's fortune cookie is "The suspense is exciting. I hope it last." +Floid also had the experience of WTF Tribeca, come to think of it. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Does anyone make fortune cookies that actually tell fortunes anymore?" +Srass says, "Yeah, I see them all the time at the place I go to." +Duelist always gets cookies that say 'some damn woof will need biteys today'! +MegaWolf bop Duelist! +Kuttas idles to see why his alarm clock is going off. +Duelist growls quietly, "Pretty accurate!" +Duelist bitey MegaWoof! +Floid says, "Duelist the Poodle." +MegaWolf doesn't do anything bad but tigers and skunks bitey anyway! +MegaWolf growls softly, "Duoodle?" +Srass says, "Doodle!" +Kia pffs. 2/5 on Cats. +Duelist oh yeah! +Duelist feelin' FOXY! +MegaWolf kisses Duelist instead! +Duelist bitey MegaWoof! +Duelist growls quietly, "Now you got bitey from a fox too" +MegaWolf *smewch!* +MegaWolf growls softly, "Foxes are hot too :>" +MegaWolf nibbles all over fox ears! +Mundy says, "Maybe you should eat him, FOX." +Duelist ew! +Mundy says, "Hah" +MegaWolf flicks Mundy woof's nose +Mundy says, "Season him with dragon spoo first? ;)" +Duelist hms! +Duelist growls quietly, "Says the guy with the drum." +Kia grrrs. 3/5 on Muppets. +Mundy drops Mundy's Spooge Drum of One Hundred Gallons. +Kuttas climbs into the spooge filled drum with a thick *SCHPLUT!* +Kuttas has left. +Mundy <.< +Mundy says, "Kuttas says, "I found a penny!"" +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas c.c +Kuttas found a penny in there. TOTALLY worth it. +Srass says, "Be sure and wash it off." +Srass says, "Or go back in and spend it. c.c" +Kuttas says, "Spend it? On what?" +Kuttas rubs on Mundy. +Duelist muhahaha! +Floid says, "You just put it in that slot at the tip of his dick and see what comes out." +Srass says, "'Spend a penny' is a British idiom for taking a piss." +Skylos softly barks, "Kind of like seeing a man about a horse" +Kuttas hmms. That sounds vaguely familiar. +Floid finds http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8840919/ for Mega. +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has disconnected. +Duelist hah! +Dachande. tilts his head... "That buldge is off." +Dachande. says, "It's like he has a sock in there." +Paladin barks, "He needs heelpads." +Dachande. says, "That too" +Dachande. says, "Everything is good except the crotch, the extra ass cheeks, and the heels" +Srass squints. "Extra ass cheeks?" +Kuttas says, "Probably best not to ask..." +Srass says, "Someone paid for that. o.o" +Kia'd see a man about a horse. +Kia'd also buy that for a dollar, but not *that.* +Dachande. says, "This is why you pay after you find out they look like they have a sock stuffed in their testicles." +Kia notes that if his mother was a sculptor, equestrian statues would looks slightly different. +Dachande. says, "More vag?" +Mundy says, "Here's a commission horror: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7019725/ :)" +Dachande. says, "I swear I can read the sarcasam in post 4" +Himmel says, "Eh, there are people who would slobber over that." +Kia says, "Mom hates dogballs, so I assume she'd hate horseballs too. " +Dachande. says, "I blame my current inner monologue." +Kia says, "And equestrian statues always have horseballs. " +Srass says, "Your mom has tried dogballs?" +Dachande. says, "Of course they would have horseballs, they're a classic symbol of fertility." +Kia says, "In Russia, near St. Isaac's, there was this building... it didn't just have horseballs. It had horse sheath with plainly visible horsecock inside, complete with horse urethral process. " +Srass o.O +Dachande. says, "And lemur fingerprints? :D" +Kia wanted to take a picture, but was shy. <:) +Kia says, "Always it's a bit awkward with horse genitals. " +Dachande. says, "Ehh they are probably used to tourists from a prude country being surprised at the casual nature at which their country acceps the items that exist in reality on bodies." +Floid needs to upload merhorse dong that was down the street from the office for city art-horse-event-thing still. +Paladin ponders urethral process. +Mundy kisses Paladin! +Kia says, "Russia doesn't really have tourists, because they make it really fucking difficult. " +Kia would've also liked to have taken a picture of the Belgian mares, but... well, he took a picture of one's face. Not the other end. <:) +Kia says, "She did have a pretty face. But one does not just take a picture of a Belgian police mare's ass. " +Kuttas has left. +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Dachande. licks Kuttas! +Floid frowns at being 'home' which results in being handed drafts to read at 1:35AM on a Sunday and told what he'll be doing tomorrow. +Kia thinks Floid is continuing to exemplify why families should never have businesses. +Kia says, "Perhaps somewhat less than crazy bitch I have to deal with, but. " +Dralen says deeply, "There's a good result for a commission: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8845139/" +Kia wishes that crazy bitch was as crazy in person as she is in email. IN person, she's charming. In email, she leads to me drinking myself stupid and cutting myself. +Srass says, "That's definitely an improvement." +Kia worries that, if he gets job at not fox, crazy bitch will become a friend's responsibility. No one should have to deal with crazy bitch. +Srass is rather fond of this particular commission, too, but he forgot who tipped him off to it: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7118610/ +Kia thinks this commission is awesome. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4172160 +Duelist bedtime! +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Duelist licks Srass! +Himmel says, "Dem balls." +Srass licks Duelist! +Himmel pet Duelist. +Duelist growls quietly, "You two be 'good'! >;)" +Duelist growls quietly, "Nite all!" +Srass says, "Aw, man!" +Kuttas hugs Duelist. +Kia asks you all to remind him to take his contacts out before bed. +Kuttas says, "Who us? O.o" +Duelist nods! 'good'! Note the quotes >;) +Kuttas c.c +Duelist grins. +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Himmel will, Kia. +Srass tries to imagine lemur contacts. They must be the size of dinner plates. o.o +Dachande. says, "It is nice seeing nuts in a size 15." +Srass says, "That's a nifty looking one, Kia, but... Man, those feet look nearly gollumesque somehow. o.o" +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has disconnected. (But they're still online.) +Kia felt bad for Bryn Teufel watching the Ring. That blackout contact on his eye looked really uncomfy. +Kia gives Srass two big toes up. +Srass giggles. +Kia continues to love his favorite Warren Zevon song. +Kia says, "Even as it gets ever closer to my life. " +Kuttas should probably go get food. Probably too late for Chinese. +Dachande. likes this commision, http://bit.ly/RTYhu1 +Skylos winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Skylos has left. +Dralen says deeply, "Never too late for Chinese... in my neighbourhood, at least." +Kuttas would totally encourage someone commission him if he didn't suck at drawing +Kia looks away down Second Avenue. +Kuttas says, "It closes early here. Well, not terribly early." +Kuttas says, "But too soon for me to haul ass in and eat." +Dachande. digs it because friend randomly did it for him, and added the cyan, which i kinda like. +Dachande. needs a real scan of it. +Kia peers at this and wonders if he'll have a scar. +Dachande. says, "You can rub sand in it if you want one." +Dachande. says, "Kitty sand works best, the infection helps the skin panic andd grow faster which results in the scar tissue formation." +Dachande. says, "Also the weeping puss will prolong the seperation of skin which agian, scar tissue." +Kuttas says, "Dach, you've got issues. o.o" +Floid says, "So that's how you got that nevus in the shape of Bob Dobbs." +Kia doesn't, really. +Dachande.:D +Kia says, "Just... well. Never mind. I'll spare you the crazy talk. " +Floid offers some Bactine, anyway. +Kesareya arrives from the foyer. +Kesareya pads in and flops. +Floid snugs on a Kes, tiredly. +Malkoten arrives from the foyer. +Malkoten flops. +Vetiver pats Malkoten. +Kesareya licks over Floid softly. +Floid says, "Vrrf." +Kesareya smiles and licks one of Floid's ears. +Srass strokes Malkoten. +Dralen okays. Falling asleep means bed time. +Kesareya says, "Aww, nini, draggy." +Srass hugs Dralen! +Srass says, "'Night!" +Kuttas noses Dralen. "Rest well." +Dralen smooches on Srass and Kuttas, and fuzzles all the length of Kia's tail. +Malkoten curls up around Srass trap like. +Dralen swishes his tail, and is gone. +Dralen has left. +Dachande. says, "AH well off to bed guys, ya'll take it easy." +Paladin cuddles Dachande.! +Srass says, "Same here on both counts." +Srass earscritches the lot of you. +Srass is set upon by amorphous, eyeless chartreuse anthropods of no distinct species, and vaguely tribal-looking garb. He is quickly bound and gagged, and dragged off by his ankles, struggling and trying to curse through the gag. +Srass has left. +Himmel says, "g'nigth." +Kesareya has left. +Malken has disconnected. +Floid hrh. Apparently he's been doing the protein-shake thing long enough that his body doesn't know what the fuck to do with a huge wad of pasta. +Lion_Cub arrives from the foyer. +Lion_Cub mehs. +Floid hm. Or he could've easily picked up some crud from dealing with visiting (and vacuuming portions of) dog-dust house and so on today. +Floid says, "So much loose DNA flopping around." +Kuttas mehs, also. +Floid applies some Purel, then pets L_C. +Lion_Cub craps, reading about Margaras. "That's awful." +Kuttas nods. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Lion_Cub hugs. "Ugh. Thanks for posting the obit." +Kyhwana nods at LC x.x +Floid then pets more. +Kuttas mehs again, abruptly fighting off tears once more. +Kuttas sighs. +Lion_Cub sorries. "I didn't mean to bring it up again." +Kuttas says, "No, no worries." +Kuttas says, "I've been doing this all day. I've still got his picture open on my desktop." +Himmel squeezes Kuttas. +Malkoten snugga LC! +Malkoten rumbles, "Just so you know LC, yer not allowed to die." +Lion_Cub noses a panther. +Lion_Cub purrs, "I hope you hold me to that." +Malkoten waggles his eyebrows +Lion_Cub curls up beside panthers. "Folsom is next weekend." +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Malkoten has never been. Far too Canadian. +Lion_Cub frowns. "I went with Andreal, once." x.x +Malkoten rearranges that so it makes more sense. Too far, Canadian :D +Malkoten rumbles, "what's it all about?" +Lion_Cub purrs, "The leather and what not." +Kia whistles for a taxi... +Kia leaves via the quiet Taxi service. +Kia has left. +Zhorah stirs +Himmel bed. +Himmel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Himmel has left. +Vetiver goes home. +Vetiver has left. +Floid also would've accepted "Far. Canadian, too." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has disconnected. +Kuttas slips out +Kuttas has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has disconnected. +Lion_Cub winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Lion_Cub has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Lion_Cub has disconnected. +Floid tries something sleep-related again. +Floid has disconnected. +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Kyhwana meow +Paladin barrrrk. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Tilton has disconnected. +Kareb arrives from the foyer. +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff chirps! +Zhorah is sent home. +Zhorah has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Floid is sent home. +Floid has left. +Malken raises a warding finger, and says serenly,"Do not bother, I can provide my own transportation." He then disappears in a swirl of darkness. +Malken has left. +Scruff leeeans in against Malks +Kyhwana chirp atta Scruff +Scruff hugsaleopardtail +Paladin barks, "Spots and dots." +Scruff has those! Although some of them are more like smudges o.o +Paladin has fluff and ruff. +Paladin barks, "Though I do have a spotty dawg laying around." +Zeph mews, "Mornin' Scruffles!" +Kareb has disconnected. +Scruff chirps, "You're a snowleopard again! <3" +Zeph is! He rekatted. +Malkoten unidles +Malkoten hugsa Scruffs, could use cuddles ^.^ +Malkoten thinks he's gonna head to bed now. 2 am is bed time *nods* +Malkoten winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Malkoten has left. +Scruff sneaksouttoo +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Scruff has disconnected. +Himmel arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "The sandman and I have had a disagreement." +Himmel whistles for a bouncer, and when it comes near, the nametag says, "Fresh," and it has dice in one ear. +Kareb is sent home. +Kareb has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has disconnected. +Zeph has disconnected. +Kyhwana lifts up the rug and pushes all the sleepers under it.. he jumps on it a few times and the rug goes flat +Zeph is sent home. +Zeph has left. +Kyhwana durp +Undine arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "Hey, Unds." +Himmel says, "Did you hear?" +Undine says, "What?" +Himmel says, "About Margs." +Himmel gestures toward the message board. +Kyhwana mrps at Undines +Draconis arrives from the foyer. +Draconis mwrf. +Undine says, "Thanks Himmel." +Draconis sad :( +Himmel rubs Undine. +Himmel and Draco. +Draconis nuz. +Himmel rubs Dracosnout. +Undine has connected. +Undine has disconnected. + +You have been logged out due to inactivity. + +% Connection to furry closed by foreign host. +``` diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/margaras/04.md b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cf746deb --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,1671 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: 5 +--- + +``` +% Trying to connect to furry: 74.207.243.108 8889. +% Connected to furry. +#$#mcp version: "2.1" to: "2.1" +Welcome to + _____ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ , SM + / ' ' ) ) ) ' ) / / ) ' ) / + ,-/-, . . __ __ __ , / / / / / / /-< + (_/ (_/_/ (_/ (_/ (_/ / ' (_ (__/ (__/ / ) + / + ' + The first 99 & 44/100% anthropomorphic/Furry TinyMu* + +(The SM means that FurryMuck is a Service Mark of the FurryMuck Wizards) +To connect to your existing character, type "connect ". +To receive a new character, send mail to join@furrymuck.com +To see the latest news, type "news" after connecting to a character. +To disconnect from a character, type "QUIT". +Use the WHO command to find out who is currently online. +Use the 'whereare' command to find places with active people. +Use the 'wizzes' command to see what Wizards are on line, or the 'helpstaff' + command to see who of the help staff is on. +Use "connect guest guest" to visit FurryMUCK as a guest. +All users of FurryMuck are bound by our AUP. "NEWS AUP" to read this document. +---- + +Sadly, FurryMuck has lost one of its own. + +S'A'Alis, May 29, 1963 -- September 5, 2012, the Large Furry Marsupial, and a +member of the L'Drey, a space-faring, fox-like species. He was never without his +'Eternally Filled Highly Caffeinated Coffee Mug of Doom'. From 1993 - 1999, +S'A'Alis hosted the servers that FurryMUCK ran on, and was a character creation +wizard 1993-2001. Condolences can be sent to his beloved wife, IceWolf: + +M. Vogt, W5910 Genske Road, Black Creek, WI 54106 + +Life is eternal, and love is immortal, +and death is only a horizon; +and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. + -Rossiter Worthington Raymond + +---- +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +Makyo stretches out and yawns toothily, shaking Makyo's fur out. +Players online for whom you are watching: +Danish Makyo Sarusa +Done. +The next scheduled database save will be in 0 secs. +You place a strategic call to one deity or another. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Purple Nurple Foyer(#52464RLJ) +You step in through the door and into a cramped foyer. Advertising +posters plaster the walls and there's another door right in front +of you (east). The door is padded purple vinyl, studded in a diamond +pattern. This is the Purple Nurple, Furrymuck's gay/les/bi nightclub +and meeting place. Feel free to come on in if you are straight too.. we +don't bite (unless you ask nicely ;) There is a sign on the wall next to +the door and a notice where the computer used to be, saying that it's now +in the main room. +Players inside the Nurple: + Danish Singe Draconis Kyhwana + Paladin Dachande. +[Exits: to the Purple Nurple to Sable Street] +Contents: +PN RULES : READ THIS TO BE ABLE TO ENTER +You enter the PN +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +The Purple Nurple +You are in the Purple Nurple, furry's premier gay/les/bi spot. +The room is large, a converted warehouse - the ceiling's +about fifty feet above the crowded floor. An entire suspended +lighting grid swivels back and forth in the middle of the room, +rigged with a complex array of lights, lasers and mirrors. +The overall effect is of an alien spacecraft hovering about twenty +feet over the dance floor. Huge projection wall-screens flicker +images of furries dancing, clips from anime movies, computer +graphics reels and old cartoons. The music is loud, thumping +techno and house, bass thundering through the gyrating furries +on the dance floor. +To one side is a lounge area, acoustically out of the main thrust +of the speaker stacks allowing normal conversation. A bar with +every drink known is along the wall of the lounge, and +the floor is scattered with heavy-duty beanbag chairs, funky couches, +and other assorted furnishings, all roomy enough for at least two furs. +A small staircase leads up to the Nurple Apartments. +Contents: +Danish +Fiend Plushie +Singe +Draconis +Kyhwana +Paladin +Dachande. +All complaints --> Rigel +NURPLE ADULT/PG POLICIES ****** PLEASE READ +Bulletin Board +Name Sex Species ('whospe #help' for help) +Makyo N/A Anthro Arctic Foxy +Danish Manmoose Manmoose +Singe[idle 11m] Male Anthro Fire Dragon +Draconis[asleep] male Daggin +Kyhwana[idle 1h] male Young morphic'leopard +Paladin[idle 8m] Male Big Blond Dingo +Dachande.[idle 21m] Male. Wolf. +Makyo recurl. Just for a bit. +Kyhwana mrp, pets curled Makyos +Danish snuzzle on fox. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has connected. +Miko arrives from the foyer. +Miko wanders in. +Paladin ruffle-snuffles Miko! +Miko pets Paladin! +Danish lows, "Hey, squirrel." +Makyo nosenoses at folks, prrf. +Miko snoofs fox in the ear and perches in an antler. +Makyo sqkyprr ^^ +Makyo should probably go shower, alas. Gotta walkadoggy one last time before a week without dogwalking. +Makyo recurl, sticks around here for a while. In and out throughout the day. +Away message and away flag are now set. +Paladin likes to 'walk the dog'! +Draconis has connected. +Draconis whrf. +Draconis hugs Miko! +Draconis nibbles Danish! +Danish nar. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has disconnected. +Undine arrives from the foyer. +Miko hugs Undine! +Undine hugs Miko! +Undine snugs Dachande.! +Danish nuzzles Undine! +Undine says, "D-ain-sorta." +Danish eyep. +Undine says, "How's it going?" +Danish is ok, still waking up. Yourself? +Undine says, "I found two mah-hooos-ive slugs in the garden when getting rid of the ornamental plants." +Danish ooh. Sounds like an exciting morning. +Undine has to go make lunch, has a wobble. +JanusFox arrives from the foyer. +Draconis has disconnected. +Paladin has disconnected. +Paladin yawns and curls up in a big blond ball of dingoness, putting his muzzle on his paws and his tail over his face. +Miko chatters, "Undines wobble but they don't fall down." +Miko chatters, "Unless they've had three bottles of wine." +Danish pokes Miko. "Major Mud's Medicinal Tincture." +Cain arrives from the foyer. +Danish braq. +Undine has disconnected. +Cain Qrab +Danish nods. +Cain lean on Danish +Cain whistles for a bouncer, and a huge gorilla steps out of nowhere, and hauls out the sleeping furries. "Time ta go, boyz.." he growls.. +Undine is sent home. +Undine has left. +Draconis is sent home. +Draconis has left. +Paladin grunts when he gets woken up, pads over to the sweeper and buttpurrs, then padpads off home. +Paladin has left. +Miko chatters, "Ah, yes, of course." +Miko idles for approximately forever, or the length of time it goes to have lunch with mum. +Danish pets Cain, waves to outbound squirrel. +Kyhwana has disconnected. +Gyroe arrives from the foyer. +Gyroe growlfs! +Danish lows, "Heya." +Somewhere on the muck, Sarusa has disconnected. +Gyroe rumbles, "Rowr." +Dralen arrives from the foyer. +Dralen meeeeeeeeeeeeeeps. +Dralen leans on Gyroe. +Gyroe kneads him some droxy. +Dralen rrrrrrs and wiggles and purpurrrs. +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Cain pats ZephRowrs +Dralen meeeps and tailswishes at Zeph. +Gyroe licks Zeph! +Zeph licks Gyroe and Dralen some. +Gyroe to bed! +Gyroe goes home. +Gyroe has left. +JanusFox zephmews. +Zeph snugs on SpookyFox! +JanusFox licks in Zephears. +Dralen pushes Zeph over and cuddles on top of him. +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Puc mrwrfs. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +Cain puts Puc in a bowl of jello! +Puc o.O +Zeph, with dragonfox atop! +Puc swims through the jello, snagging a cherry on his way out ala-Pacman *nom*. +Dralen rrrrrs softly and closes his eyes and strokes at sneppid. +Cain claps +Dralen annoyed at Sandra and Woo >:( +Zeph rumbles osme. +Dralen nibbles on Zeph's ears. +Puc stretches and mrrfs. +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Djirin has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah waves. +Zhorah sleepdrgn +Puc has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has disconnected. +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf arranges Dachande and Cain for maximum pillow usage, drapes across them. +Srass arrives with a sudden echoing boom, and a musical flourish involving two dozen brass instruments, six timpani, and a crash of cymbals. Angels sing in beautiful harmony, and sprinkle sparkling dust over him. +Srass has arrived. +Dralen meeeeps at Srass and Xane. +Srass coils around Dralen. +Dralen rrrrrs quietly. +Cain has disconnected. +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Duelist .... uhhh +Srass licks all the usual suspects' ears. Duelist included. +Duelist yips! +Duelist licks Srass! +Duelist is Kaiser Soze! +Srass says, "Who is Kaiser Soze? Did he depose Kaiser Permanente?" +Duelist oh! He spelled it wrong. Keyser Soze! +Undine arrives from the foyer. +Duelist growls quietly, "He's the 'bad guy' in the movie 'The Usual Suspects'" +Undine waves! +Duelist licks Undine! +Undine licks Duelist! +Srass hugs Undine! +Undine hugs Srass! +Undine says, "Hello." +Duelist growls quietly, "Which, if you have never seen, I highly recommend." +Undine slumps on a couch. "What's going on?" +Srass says, "Just sitting here existing, at the moment." +Zeph is prettyfying his Bandcamp site that is looked at by nobody ever. +Undine's resting after stripping more wallpaper off the wall and finding a big band of steel, for no apparent reason. +MegaWolf squeek Dralen +MegaWolf growls softly, "Vhat a tweest" +Dralen rrrrrrrs. +MegaWolf licks Duelist's ears +MegaWolf snouts Undine +MegaWolf growls softly, "It's the tension band holding the entire house up" +Dralen says deeply, "It's an elastrator for the bottom half of the house." +Zeph mews, "It keeps the bad ether out." +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Djirin boink +Dralen idles for brekkie. +Undine suspects it's for the Ether retention, as Zeph says. +Undine noses Megawolf. +MegaWolf pets Undine's parts +Srass mouths on Djirin. +Duelist growls quietly, "You sure it's steel?" +Undine says, "It's ferrous and galvanised." +Djirin gets drooled on? ew +Djirin points Srass at Undine instead +Srass drools on Undine and Djirin both. +Undine pets Srass' head, drips on Djirin. +Zeph mews, "Poor old Srass can do nothing but drool." +Undine says, "Leaky cat, does that when he's excited." +Zeph mews, "Oh, Unds, I got a really good book on abstract painting." +Danish rubs Srass' flank. +Zeph mews, "I also ordered a book on doing clever things with acrylics but they inexplicably sent me watercolour paper instead." +Undine laughs! +Srass purrs, and nuzzles Danish. +Undine says, "Beautiful." +Undine says, "What's the book?" +Undine says, "Danish, I was uttering something about you to someone you'll never meet." +Zeph mews, "'Painting Abstracts' by Rolina van Vliet, translated from Dutch." +Danish lows, "You're referring to the thing you just said to me and you're trying to make my head explode with recursion." +Danish lows, "Never again." +Djirin idles. lawn mowing awaits +Singe bobbles up the sleepers, but for how long? +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Cain swears, "It's the Fuzz!" before hopping in his car and making a hasty getaway. +Cain has left. +Kyhwana jumps up and gives the sweeper a big *smooch* and bounds off home +Kyhwana has left. +Singe ding +Undine says, "Would I ever try such a thing.." +Duelist could mow his lawn. 11 blades of bermuda grass have seem to poked up thru his uhhh 'yard'. He should go remove them. +Undine dug out corms and rhizomes of various plants in his garden. Getting rid! :D Turnin the place back to bare soil. +Duelist do not allow unauthorized plant life on his property! +Undine hehs, it's a bit harder here. Plants grow a lot. +Undine says, "Did you see the state of the house, Duelist? All the boarded up windows?" +Makyo peeks on from phone. Awful client, but hi :3 +MegaWolf petpets Makyo +MegaWolf growls softly, "I was going to do yard work then suddenly rain" +Miko unidles and cheekrubs on Makyo. +Makyo peeks on from phone. Awful client, but hi :3 +Zhorah licks Makyonose +You say, "augh, this may be too awful..." +Zhorah licks Miko nose too. +Zhorah idle for breakfast +Miko squeeps. +Makyo nuzz at Miks and Mega and Zhorah, just watches instead +Undine hugs Srass! +Miko bought a couple of drinkies. Something that looks suspiciously like a Scandiwegian knockoff of Scrumpy Jack. +Miko chatters, "'S called "Happy Jack" and comes in "dry" or "oaky"." +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Duelist demands to see boarded up house! +Singe growls, "err ner! http://cheezburger.com/6576656384" +Duelist looks at the googler. +Undine says, "Google+, duelist. :)" +Undine says, "Just uploading." +Duelist sees Srass is making a bad decision.... +Duelist growls quietly, "What, you don't want a giant window in your can, Undine?" +Srass says, "I'm crossing over to the dark side! Aaaahahahahahaaaaa!" +Duelist growls quietly, "C'mon, get to know yer neighbors!" +Srass also hugs Undine. +Undine says, "Haa, there will be a giant window there, even bigger than the previous two. :)" +Undine strokes Srass lovingly. +Zeph mews, "Fling poop at passers-by." +Duelist growls quietly, "All glass walls in the can." +Duelist growls quietly, "That's what I would do." +Undine chuckles. "Horrible!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Make absolutely sure that no one could ever be comfortable." +Undine says, "Not the "water closet" but the "solar poop incinerator"." +Duelist growls quietly, "At least a jail cell has one solid wall." +Zeph cackles! +Srass says, "Claude's old boss actually did have a sliding glass door in the bathroom." +Duelist growls quietly, "So what are you doing here, Undine?" +Undine says, "I know, taking a small break from the shit-storm that is my current existence." +Undine says, "Having a cup of tea. Litrally it's now and times when i'm asleep or on "the can" where I stop to think." +Duelist growls quietly, "A man does some of his best thinking on the can." +Undine says, "Want any more pics, Duelist?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Well of course!" +Zeph mews, "Being able to think while asleep is an impressive ability." +Zeph mews, "Also it sounds like TIGR wants pictures of you on the loo, squish." +Dralen remeeps. +Duelist growls quietly, "Nah, that ain't my thing." +Duelist growls quietly, "I get it, some folks are into it, but...." +Undine nodnods. "I know, it has been said that there is no greater man than the thinker at-stool." +Duelist growls quietly, "I just never could." +Zeph grins, didn't think it was, just being daft. +Undine says, "Don't you think while asleep, Zeph?" +Zeph mostly has batshit-insane dreams. +Undine ahems, "I meant of the house, of course." +Makyo finds a slightly better client, cheer. +Zeph huzz, better phonefox! +Makyo wigglewiggle :3 +Duelist growls quietly, "You know, your thoughts might be better than mine but I have thoughts going around in my head too about different thinkings and brain things that you can use." +Duelist growls quietly, "You guys don't always know what's best. My fuckin' thoughts have feelings of their own too sometimes." +Miko chatters, "Today's Finnishism: "To be with a wing on the ground"" +Makyo's thoightsare pretty fuzzy +Srass says, "Brain things. How do I get those?" +MegaWolf licks Duelist's brains +Undine uploads some more ppics. +Undine zzziiip! +You yerf, "Better client doesn't mean foxes can type on a phone, alas." +Miko chatters, "i.e. to be low, depressed, etc. Presumably derived from the behaviour of injured avians." +Undine says, "To have GIMS?" +Srass says, "Aww, it's a snee!" +Miko chatters, "GIMS is different." +Miko chatters, "Ooh, panorama of Randon's yard. http://t.co/PP4KKpR8" +Duelist growls quietly, "Who?" +Miko chatters, "My friend (and ex's current boyfriend) whose place I spend an inordinate amount of time at." +Duelist growls quietly, "Undine, did you remove ALL your windows?" +Undine says, "They were too small.." +Undine says, "Or didn't exist before." +Duelist growls quietly, "Too small?!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Ohh, I like that thinking." +Duelist growls quietly, "I love windows." +Undine says, "Yeah srass, a cauldron of snee." +Makyo huhs. Guy at gate with honest to goodness man-pris +MegaWolf http://skia.deviantart.com/art/Phone-Fox-175079615 +Undine says, "I like light. :)" +Duelist growls quietly, "I totally misread, Miko. Of course we know Randon (or at least know of him)." +Miko chatters, "Oh right." +Duelist growls quietly, "Wow, that's such a peaceful lookin' place." +Srass says, "Foxyfluffs really *are* phone dialers! 8D" +Duelist growls quietly, "Forest and Subaru" +Miko chatters, "He occasionally complains about the neighbours." +Duelist growls quietly, "Or is that an Audi?" +Miko chatters, "'Cause, like, once or twice a week one will walk past in the road." +You yerf, "pagemail that to me, Mega?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Everything looks the same from the side nowadays" +You sense you have new mail from MegaWolf. +Miko chatters, "It's a turbo diesel Passat." +Duelist growls quietly, "See what I mean?" +Miko chatters, "Yeah, I hear ya." +MegaWolf pets the foxyo +Duelist used to be able to identify cars via profile! +You yerf, "Fanks :3" +Miko chatters, "It's nicely located. Not a long way to the lake, either, and the house comes with a boat spot for some reason." +Duelist growls quietly, "For a boat" +Undine sniffs the air. Autumn's coming and he has a house with big gaping holes. Fuuuuuuccck. +Makyo prr, prr. +Miko chatters, "It's rowboats there mostly. Kinda in the sticks." +Duelist growls quietly, "I know! Seasons are changing! It's only 99F around here nowadays." +Undine gotta go, back to the grind. "Take care all." +Duelist licks Undine! +Undine snugs Duelist! +Srass kisses Undine! +Undine says, "Be good, Skunklista." +Duelist o.o +Duelist rahter foxy today, ya know +Undine says, "Srass, for god sake, cover up." +Srass dangles at Undine! +You yerf, "Byeeee" +Miko chatters, "Not far from a city where rich people tend to have summer homes, though. Nice part of the world. Of course, he went from "casually dating" to "wanting to move in with" a guy who lives halfway across the country around the same time buying the house was finalized, so he's not *entirely* satisfied with his present homeownership.." +Undine says, "Eep!" +Srass says, "They don't make clothes my size!" +Undine says, "Miko, put that away." +Miko chatters, "It's nice out, but put it away?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Hey that reminds me." +Undine says, "Danish, for the last time.. take that out of your mouth." +Duelist growls quietly, "I haven't done that hot little finnish guy in awhile." +Undine snugs Miko! +Undine teleports away. +Undine has left. +MegaWolf nips foxy rump! +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has disconnected. +Zhorah returns +Zhorah had biscuits +You say, "Alright. Enough of this phone business. Gonna reidle." +Makyo nuzznuzz lots of folks, curl. +Zhorah pets bigfox +Floid arrives from the foyer. +"Ar," Floid says "f." +Zhorah leans on Floid. +Zeph fuzzles on Floidingo some. +Duelist licks Zhorah! +Floid kickstand. +Floid pets notayenas. +Zeph rekatted. +Zhorah snug snlep! +Floid read that as reratted for a moment, got hopes up. +Srass noses Floid. +Puc waves a hand over his head where smoke has been beginning to build. +Floid gets secondhand Puc. +o/~ Katu tdyttyy askelista, eldmd on kuolemista o/~ Pane kdsi kdteen, ollaan hiljaa o/~ [Miko] +Duelist =^.^= +Dralen sprawwwwwwwwwwwwwwls. +Samanthia arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia slinks in. +Samanthia pets DLST. +Srass nuzzles along Samanthia. +Zeph oh wow, best photoshopping ever 10/10 < http://mutanerda.deviantart.com/art/MONTADA-321193687 > +Samanthia pets Srass up and down. +Djirin has left. +MegaWolf nibbles Floid's 2001st part. +Cain arrives from the foyer. +Cain grunt +Zeph licks on Cainwoofs some. +Cain wig-el +Floid loses hearing in one ear, thus. +Cain flees +Cain teleports away. +Cain has left. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Floid wonders what is wrong with him re: 70F feeling freezing. End-of-summer-syndrome, clearly. +JanusFox was thinking the same thing heh. +Puc has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +Djirn arrives from the foyer. +Djirn crawls all over Srass. *crawl*crawl* +Floid says, "http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8789565/" +Floid thinks Djirsrassles will appreciate that. +Djirn blink +Singe growls, "fox! http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=SGR-EATED" +Srass pets all over Djirin. +JanusFox perks at shirt, needs. +Srass says, "I dunno about the cicada nipples. o.o" +JanusFox yips, "Angry ticks fire out of my nipples." +Miko chatters, "For the love of all that's holy, my anus is bleeding!" +Floid offers Miko a manpon. +JanusFox yips, "Well that's okay, even the one guy one jar guy survived without surgery." +Floid says, "Holy shit. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8820873/" +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah rumbles, "I thought it was quiet" +JanusFox yips, "Man, people will hug you anywhere in a fursuit." +Floid says, "He did train first. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8540284/" +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Kia frinks. +Kia calls up Comrade Stalin, who shows up in his orange vest with a broom to sweep the sleepers off to their homes. +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Djirn frunk +Duelist growls quietly, "One should really close mouf when skydiving." +Duelist growls quietly, "One never knows what'll fly up in there." +Floid demands one of these things for a pillow. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7700639/ +Floid says, "As the comments mention, he would've had to rubber-band it shut. Which probably would've looked silly on video." +Dralen meeeeeeeeeeps. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hah, the video is awesome" +Floid got no frash on this thing. +Duelist growls quietly, "That is really really cool." +Floid says, "I think maybe I should throw out 4 years of completely-out-of-date configuration (read: move to another ~/oldhome/, /oldetc) and just reinstall the latest DragonFly hotness." +Himmel arrives from the foyer. +Duelist growls quietly, "That's really awesome!" +Himmel obtains Danish. Uses it as a perch. +Dralen says deeply, "Haha! Cat sleep positions: http://www.buzzfeed.com/paws/awkward-cat-sleeping-positions" +Floid says, "It's a shame all my homebuild machines are un-identical tracking every AM2 chipset Radeon X200orwhatever -> 780G, or I could swap some shit out of the office and put the single-core Semprons back in those and have relatively-low-power fast-as-hell-for-home-server-use boxes." +Floid says, "I wonder if they didn't cut the ECC lines in those." +Floid wonders that, then remembers that all the ECC DIMMs he bought uselessly are DDR2. +Floid says, "It appears Lenovo paid someone to go through specific trouble to not draw those traces on the board on the Thinkwhatever tower that is the office "server"." +Himmel squeezes Floid's stuff. +Floid got no room for racks, though, and the only thing office needs is a switch to AM2 from 939 (hrrr) to deal with running Windows in a VM at faster-than-molasses speed. It's still faster than NT on a 486, though. +Dachande. Waks up, surprirsed to find he slept in til 10. +Floid says, "Barely, but still." +Duelist growls quietly, "They got little tiny cabinets you can mount way up on a wall." +Zeph licks on Dachwuff some. +Dachande. licks on Zeph more. +Duelist growls quietly, "It'll hold a server, a switch...." +Floid says, "Economically and cosmetically it makes really little sense." +Duelist growls quietly, "Is this in your house?" +Floid should just trade crap out of the 'server' box into something homebuild with a board that consents to believe ECC exists someday. +Floid says, "Nah, law office, think bedroom-sized plus cubicle out in the floor-farm." +Duelist growls quietly, "I uhhh can't think that." +Duelist growls quietly, "I'm all about the true corporate office" +Floid says, "The real thing is, with ATX crap... let's say the worst happens and PSU fries, I have 3 spares at home plus Staples down the road." +Floid says, "If rack PSU fries, we gotta dump $300 on getting some stupid custom piece of shit FedEx'd out." +Floid says, "It really don't make sense for 'SOHO.'" +Duelist growls quietly, "Why not just cloud it?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah I said it....cloud. Ugh." +Duelist growls quietly, "Or is it some goofy 'file server' thing?" +Floid says, "I'm a little tetchy about that because legal." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh yeah, that's right." +Floid says, "Whup phone." +Huh? (Type "help" for help.) +JanusFox is just happy not to need AT power supplies anymore. +Srass has arrived. +Srass has left. +JanusFox yips, "Had that one spare kicking around for years. People kept having them :P" +Samanthia hands Duelist: http://laspegasusunicon.com +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh for f...." +Duelist growls quietly, "At the Riviera? Haha" +Dachande. says, "Huh, wouldn't have figured the riv would be where they'd hold a bronycon." +Himmel says, "You should go, Dach." +Himmel says, "Bring a +1." +Himmel looks meaningfully at Duelist. >=3 +Dachande. says, "Hahh, well they do have Tara Strong,sot hey might actually get a decent crowd." +Miko chatters, "What's the Riviera like?" +Miko chatters, "That name sounds like it's kinda cheap and trashy." +Dachande. says, "Kind of old, little small compared to some of the others on the strip but it's nice." +Miko chatters, "Ooh right." +Miko chatters, "I didn't think of the possibility it'd be a vintage name." +Dachande. says, "It's just one of the original ones." +Himmel pets Miko's ears. +Miko chatters, "From back when the Riviera as an idea had an air of sophistication, Sophia Loren and cocktails." +Dachande. says, "But unlike Cesars which was an early strip presence but just grew and grew and grew until you feel like the casino never effing ends. Riv is still pretty swank though." +Himmel says, "This next part of Black Mesa I'm about to do is freaking impossible." +Singe growls, "which part?" +Himmel says, "The Box-to-Box jumping." +Himmel is like gaaaaah. +Dachande. says, "Pretend the floor is lava." +Dachande. says, "Surely we've all traind for that since childhood." +Himmel is gonna eat lunch, first. +Himmel says, "Well, yes." +Himmel says, "But if Videogames were controlled with my own actions, I'd be even better at them." +JanusFox also fox... http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=RUMB-SKATEFRIENDS&Category_Code=WELCOME +Himmel just imagines, full-body control and VR-rendering of Assassin's Creed. Any downstairs neighbors he'd have would hate him, but it'd be such fun! +Miko chatters, "Is there anywhere that looks like the 70s?" +Himmel says, "... Rural Sweden?" +Miko would love to go to a hotel/casino in Vegas that's themed to look like a hotel/casino in Vegas ca. 1965. +Zeph mews, "Tara Strong's awesome." +Zeph goes back to sleep. +Himmel lunchtiemnao. +Dachande. says, "The Golden Gate Club is like that Miko, they kind of never updated other than the machines." +JanusFox nodnods at Miko, wants that too. +Samanthia slinks out. +Samanthia teleports away. +Samanthia has left. +Zeph hugs about, sneaks to feed his mewface. +Zeph goes home. +Zeph has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Zeph has disconnected. +JanusFox wants 1971 and pink carpet. +JanusFox yips, "Actually the Florida Keys come close in some places. But that's a different story." +Himmel wants 192X and a Jazz Club. But, of course, with all his modern comforts like video games and hair-straighteners. +Himmel says, "Well... Hair-straighteners that aren't just Irons." +Dachande. says, "They're squeezing irons." +Dachande. says, "Great for dual creesing socks." +JanusFox doesn't think Himmel wants the 1920s. +Himmel totally wants the 1920s. +Himmel says, "The Fashion, the Music." +JanusFox yips, "The racism :3" +Himmel points: Jazz Club. +Himmel would be safer than elsewhere! +Himmel says, "Of course, if I, as a musician, gained any sort of following, I'd be targetted for being an abomination." +Himmel says, "But oh, well!" +Himmel seriously, lunch. +Mundy arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah rawr some +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +Kia has disconnected. +Mundy gooses Duelist! +Singe growls, "BOXES http://www.vgcats.com/comics/" +Mundy stares at FOX. +Zhorah rawr. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah eek +Zhorah clings to people +Duelist =O.O= +Somewhere on the muck, Rollo has connected. +Mundy licks Duelist! +Miko flails with a stick at nutritional information labeled "serving size: 1 serving". +Duelist licks Mundy! +Dralen has left. +Singe growls, "there's this One-A-Day brand of chewable multivitamins that instructs you to take two." +Mundy fiddles with FOX belly. +Djirn takes two Singe's a day. *nibble* +JanusFox likes gummy multivitamins, cause, gummy. +Zhorah rawr +Dachande. says, "I think One-A-Day referres to just the one dose, but really it'd be beter to have 2 a day in different intervals since you're going to piss out most of the first one by mid day." +Djirn urps +Duelist growls quietly, "I believe 'One-A-Day' is a brand name" +Djirn purrs quietly, "it is" +Singe growls, "and the not-chewable version you do take only one of" +Duelist growls quietly, "Man" +Duelist growls quietly, "So I started looking up weird and bad brand names..." +Duelist growls quietly, "And I found this: http://tinyurl.com/5wwurk" +Duelist growls quietly, "Waht the hell was wrong with us back then?" +Danish lows, "http://www.dangerouslaboratories.org/radscout.html The rosy-cheeked lad at the bottom turned his backyard into a Superfund site as an Eagle Scout project." +Singe growls, "in shoe stores there was a popular x-ray machine for measuring feet. huge doses." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, but this...." +Dachande. would like a radium watch, bets it still tics. +Duelist growls quietly, "All radium. Brush your teeth with radium toothpaste, wash it down with radium water....plug a radium suppository up your ass and wrap some around your balls....oh, and hasve a little radium chocolate for dessert." +Mundy licks Dachande.! +Dachande. taastes of hot sauce +Mundy's tongue bursts into flames. +Danish lows, "If Mundy's teeth were on fire..." +Danish unzips. +Somewhere on the muck, Rollo has disconnected. +Mundy <.< +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has connected. +Mundy ponders a set of dentures, where all the teeth are shaped and colored like flames, and made out of a translucent material. +Djirn purrs quietly, "And have mini led's in them so they light up?" +Zhorah has disconnected. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah clean now +Djirn has left. +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf licks Floid +MegaWolf growls softly, "Curled curly tail" +MegaWolf http://www.puplookup.com/content/images/dog-breeder/breeder_2359_662.jpg +MegaWolf also *smewches* Duelist FOX! +Dachande. licks MegaWolf! +MegaWolf nuz nuz Dachande +Zhorah has disconnected. +Travis arrives from the foyer. +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph mewmewmews. +Kia has connected. +Travis waves +MegaWolf kisses snowmew +Zeph purrs on MegaPup some. +Zeph wiggles paws idly. +Duelist stretch out! +MegaWolf kisses Duelist 'gain too! +MegaWolf sneaks, RL +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Floid says, "Man, seriously Japanese people can be macabre." +Zeph mews, "Explain?" +Singe growls, "guro?" +Floid says, "This nice middle-aged immigrant friend-client lady is having trouble finding a decent job here after a divorce and trying to decide if she's moving back to Japan to basically linger around the nursing home where her folks are living until they're gone and it's her turn to wind up in it." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has disconnected. +Danish lows, "I think that's the Japanese way of bringing up that she's available." +Floid says, "So... my father, being kind of a blunt sort, and somewhat agreeing with the 'enough is enough' attitude, kept leading her on with the whole 'don't want to be a burden, sometimes I just want to die, ...'" +Floid says, "Polite awkward conversation. Stereotypical but aieesh, steer it *away* when it goes there people." +Travis winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Travis has left. +Floid says, "Don't forget to do all that while fueling up with Ethyl, tigr." +Duelist o.o +Kia has disconnected. +Floid finds it sorta interesting how it only took about 100 years to go from 'wow, chemistry is simple!' to 'woah, we better make sure we design this shit to degrade, because the simplest stuff persists forever.' +Luperion pads in and growls! +Luperion has arrived. +Mundy cuddles Luperion! +Luperion ruffle-snuffles Mundy! +Dachande. says, "Sort of nsfw, but amusing, http://imgur.com/gF7Gs ." +Floid says, "Rainbowels." +Dachande. says, "Must be unicorn variant." +Floid freezings much. Desires some form of medication which does not exist, at least in his vicinity. +Luperion dogs Floid to keep him warm. +Duelist growls quietly, "It's called booze" +Floid says, "Enh." +Duelist growls quietly, "Cures what ails ya" +Floid's stomach just fails to thrill at the idea. In part because it's empty, whups. +Dachande. says, "Get some Dr. James Barttolomew Horatio's Medicating Tonic Water. It's full of 180 vegetables and 13 different animals with just enough alcohol to keep it shelf stable for years. One spoon a day keeps the rickets away." +Floid opts to try to figure it out after trying to sneak additional nap. People are wanting him to do extremely inconvenient things and have them done already. +JanusFox wants something with 13 different animals. Not enough of that on the market. +JanusFox also learned that dropping a small rare earth magnet on metal drill fillings makes it instantly the sharpest object known to man. +Somewhere on the muck, Sarusa has connected. +Zeph dead from cute: < http://faror1.deviantart.com/art/Shimeji-Snow-Leopard-264681891 > +Miko whoa. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYEUoSQXdcE +Miko immediately hears it alleged that in parts of fFinland that plant is known as a "pries's dick". +JanusFox yips, "omg cute." +Duelist ooo, cattails! +JanusFox also hasn't seen one of these things since 1995. +Mav arrives from the foyer. +Mav wuffs. +Miko chatters, "..annnnd apparently the real name of the plant in Finnish is obscure-archaic for "wolverine's dick"." +Zeph wouldn't mind seeing Wolverine's dick. +Duelist go store! +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Mundy GWAHAHAS. http://cheezburger.com/6572261376 +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Puc gruffs. +Zeph noses on Puc some. +Puc mrarfs, headbutts Zeph. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Kittens" +Kia has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has disconnected. +Kia has disconnected. +Kia has connected. +Kia has disconnected. +Kia has connected. +Kia frinks. +Mav mephs. +Miko strokes Kiabutt. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +Kia prrs at Miko and grrs at mudclient, which lee +Kia says, "keeps fucking up. " +MegaWolf has connected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Dingo, notdingo." +MegaWolf shakes off from the shower, then curls up, muzzle on paws. z.z +Luperion woofs, "The We and the Not-We." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Knotdingo." +Luperion woofs, "Gladly." +MegaWolf ponders a snow dingo hybrid. +Luperion gruffles, "Sneaux dingeaux?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "That too" +Luperion giggles. +MegaWolf ponders a pack of all the canids. Dingo, dhole, wild dog, Ethiopian wolf, jackals, 'yotes, etc. +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +Luperion wuuffs, "For cuddles?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "And such!" +Luperion gruffles, "Indeed." +Luperion barks, "Puppies love cuddles." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cuddles. Yep. ,.," +Himmel not cuddles Mega. +Luperion pants, "Knot cuddles?" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Knots are best cuddled." +MegaWolf pleads the fifth... of vodka. +MegaWolf velcros Himmel. +Himmel yipe. +Luperion wuuffs, "To Mav!" +Mav hugs his tail. +Himmel gonna play Black Mesa for a bit. +MegaWolf curls up, gnaws on chewybone. +Kia has disconnected. +Himmel gets on his gaming goggles. +Miko chatters, "What is the purpose of the goggles?" +Himmel says, "THey... don't really do much." +Himmel says, "Yeah, now that I think about it..." +Himmel says, "The goggles?" +Himmel says, "They, uh... do" +Himmel says, "very little." +Luperion growls, "Doggles." +Luperion idles to 'walk the dog'! +Luperion growls and pads out! +Luperion has left. +Himmel says, "He means 'Masturbate.'" +Miko chatters, "You know, they'd help prevent a psychotic Rainbow Squirt den mother from plucking out your eyes." +MegaWolf growls softly, "So Black Mesa actually got released, eh?" +Himmel says, "Couple days ago, yeah." +Himmel says, "And... Maybe, Miko. But I have no idea what that is." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'm sure it'll do okay but I wonder how much interest there is left for it." +Miko chatters, "Philistine." +Himmel says, "Maybe I shouldn't play video games." +Puc has disconnected. +Himmel says, "I really ought to read something." +Himmel says, "Like this great piece, what was it..." +Danish lows, "Have you ever said something that was 100% true but 100% irrelevant?" +Himmel says, "Bartleby and the Scrivener?" +Miko punts Himmel. +Himmel =3 +Himmel says, "Problem?" +Miko chatters, "It's from Psychonauts, when the G-Men interrogate Raz. "WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE GOGGLES?!"" +Miko chatters, "And later the Rainbow Squirt den mother threatens to pluck out his eyes and he goes "Ah-ha! THAT is the purpose of the goggles!"" +Himmel assumed Miko was going for 'The Goggles, they do Nothing!' +Danish ohhhh, I vaguely remember that. +Himmel has not played Psychonauts, though, no. +Himmel says, "But then, no one has." +Himmel says, "Hence its reputation as Best Game No One Played." +Himmel says, "2005, iirc." +Miko chatters, "Well, nobody did when it first came out." +MegaWolf tickles Himmel's insidey parts. +Himmel eek. +Miko chatters, "I bet when/if they Kickstart it they'll get $4M in the first day, though." +Himmel is not making much progress in the Play Black Mesa thing. +Miko chatters, "The sequel, I mean." +Himmel says, "Most definitely, Squiz." +Miko chatters, "A lot of people want it something fierce. Notch was all "well, I can invest $2M or so in it"" +Miko chatters, ""Because I want to play it"" +Himmel says, "Most expensive game ever." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Neo Geo?" +Miko chatters, "Neo Geo did not cost $2M." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Sure felt like it!" +Danish lows, "You had one?" +Miko chatters, "Of course, if he invests $2M he'll probably get a game and $2.2M for his trouble, but.." +Gyroe arrives from the foyer. +Gyroe growlfs! +Mav wof. +Danish's childhood punches MegaWolf. +Himmel is mostly playing Black Mesa for the Nerd Points, though, he admits. +Himmel says, "It's an FPS, and lord knows I hate the format." +Danish lows, "Even as a kid I knew there was no point in asking for a Neo Geo." +Himmel says, "Because Portal." +Himmel says, "And Still Alive." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Nah" +Himmel thinks he left out a line, there. +Himmel says, "'But I still want to, as a matter of gamer cred.'" +Danish lows, "That's not an FPS, Wolfenstein 3D's an FPS." +Miko peers at Danish. +Danish lows, "I can see you've played knifey-spooney before." +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas points at the lazing sleepers and goes all tribal, shouting, "Ki'i ki-rharg, ki'i etya stye ngyet-ngye!" +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +Zhorah is sent home. +Zhorah has left. +Kuttas has left. +Danish lows, "Hi K..." +Danish lows, "Hi Kimmel." +Danish hugs Kimmel. +Himmel pets Danish. +MegaWolf O.o +Rhi arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Double Dragon!" +Mav falls over, paws in the air. +Himmel says, "Half Life Vets." +Himmel says, "Tell me." +Himmel says, "How often is there ventilation duct combat?" +Rhi has disconnected. +Rhi teleports away. +Rhi has left. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Kia frinks. +Vetiver arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "Hey, Kia." +Srass arrives from the foyer. +Srass nuzzles around and and things. +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Srass licks Kuttas' muzzle. +Kuttas licks Srass' whiskers. +Gyroe kneads on Kuttas and Srarse. +Kuttas snickers. +Srass purrs, and paws at Gyroe. +Kuttas rubs Gyrow. +Kuttas errs, Gyroe* +Srass says, "Let's put the ow in Gyrow." +Srass chews on the dragon's arse! +Kuttas pinches! +Danish lows, "Let's put the gyro in Gyroe." +Danish does this. +Kuttas spins Dragon! +Srass says, "Save some for us!" +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Srass licks Danish and Duelist. +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Duelist =^.^= +Kuttas pinches Moose. +Duelist licks Srass! +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Danish just licks everyone and has a bunch of weird fur on his tongue. +Kuttas thinks the weird fur is probably Srass'. Almost certainly, in fact. +Srass is weird all over, so it stands to reason his fur would be weird. +Kuttas isn't weird at all. Nope, nosir, not one bit. +Danish oh, there was this one curly black hair that was 20 feet long, that was probably Srass. +Kuttas pets Srass' nose with [redacted]. +Srass licks Kuttas' [redacted]. +Kuttas adds a couple more [redacted] per nostril. +Srass o.O +Kuttas snickers evilly. +Srass mouths on Kuttas' entire forearm at once. +Srass slobber, drool. +Kuttas pets Panther's uvula. *tugtug* +Srass' expression gets stranger. *glurk* +Danish read that as vulva, didn't question it. :/ +Kuttas nods to Danish. Srass is -that- weird. c.c +Danish pets Srass' vuvuzela. +Kuttas says, "Don't pet it. Blow on it." +Danish t-toot... toot... *blush* +Srass *definitely* does not have one of those! Not even in the chicken form! +Kuttas says, "What, a vuvuzela?" +Srass says, "Yeah!" +Kuttas says, "Why not?" +Kuttas says, "They're terribly annoying! :-D" +Srass says, "They're annoying!" +Kuttas inquires, "Aren't hyenas annoying, too?" He tugs some more. +Srass says, "Hyenas are flavorful. c.c" +Duelist preps for hardcore, full contact, professional BINGO! +Srass makes a strange gurgling sound. +Kuttas >.> +Danish lows, "What kinda stakes?" +Kuttas O.o +Srass says, "You'd probably better stop tugging on that. It doubles as a delivery lever of sorts." +Kuttas peers into Srass' mouth. His voice reverberates, "What's that noise?" +Kuttas says, "Delivery level?" +Kuttas says, "Err, lever?" +Himmel says, "Kuttas." +Srass says, "Delivery lever. Of half-digested lunch." +Himmel | http://images.4chan.org/v/src/1347829959465.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "Let's see....it's a double action session...." +Kuttas ohs. He pets the back of Srass tongue, instead. +Himmel says, "Stolen from Tapestries." +Kuttas peers at Himmel. +Himmel was amused. +Duelist growls quietly, "1/2 the games pay $200, half pay $400, Coverall pays $1000, hotball is $2500 and the progressive is $26,913" +Kuttas has seen that image before. +Himmel says, "Oldie but goodie?" +Kuttas shrugs. +Miko fnarrrr, hotball. +Tequiua arrives from the foyer. +Tequiua waves. +Srass pets Tequiua. +Duelist growls quietly, "Boulder Station progressive bingo win pays $135,500" +Himmel says, "Total, or top-tier?" +Tequiua pets Srass. +Danish is pretty good at Bingo. +Srass says, "How do you manage to be good at Bingo? It's a game of chance, isn't it?" +Tequiua says, "Pretty good? There is a technique for Bingo?" +Tequiua hehs at Srass. +Srass grins at Tequiua. +Duelist growls quietly, "It's ALL skill man!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Same with slot machines" +Srass says, "Gosh... that little old lady sure is good at pulling levers." +Danish lows, "There's no random element in top-tier bingo, it comes down to playing it right." +Miko chatters, "Just like the stock market!" +Srass says, "How's this possible? You hear a number, you put a chip on the number." +Duelist growls quietly, "IT's HOW you chip that number that makes all the difference." +Duelist growls quietly, "Also, daub" +Duelist growls quietly, "Not chip" +Duelist growls quietly, "Rookie." +Srass says, "I haven't played since grade school. Of course I'm a rookie. :-P" +Tequiua says, "Top-tier? There are tiers in Bingo?" +Kuttas wriggles on Srass distractingly. Annoying hyena is annoying! +Zeph mews, "Over here bingo is played by old women and people who are under the mistaken impression it might be fun." +Srass zerberts Kuttas' nuts. +Duelist growls quietly, "Listen...." +Kuttas murrrrs! +Srass says, "It's the same thing over here, too, Zeph." +Duelist growls quietly, "$135,000 to win." +Duelist growls quietly, "Fuck those old ladies. I'm takin' that money!" +Duelist growls quietly, "To win that $135,000 you have to coverall in 51 balls or less." +Tequiua says, "Here too, bingo is played by widows, old ladies and old dudes expecting to score with an old gal." +Srass oooohs! +Srass says, "Now I know Duelist's angle. >;)" +Duelist growls quietly, "On a super coverall progressive like that there is usually only one winner." +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaks in, and up into FOXY lap +Srass pets Scruff's ears. +Scruff headrubs up at srasspaw. Mriew! +Kia has disconnected. +Vetiver snugs Scruff. +Duelist petpetpte CHTA! +Duelist growls quietly, "These guys are makin' fun of me, CHTA" +Scruff chirps, "Butbutbutbut, big FOXY!" +Scruff noses at a mapsbok paw. That one! *nosenosenose* +Scruff inspects the big FOXY. Yup, excellent creature! +Danish hugfuzzles Scruff. +Kuttas considers turning on the radio. +Scruff rears up on hindpaws, hugs 'round moosemuzz ^-^ +Kuttas hasn't got any QSL cards lately +Duelist needs to put his antennas back up! +Kuttas says, "https://imo.im/fd/C/QkPpapbN9P/292225_306211372787161_1053649823_n.jpg" +Danish ha. +Duelist growls quietly, "Oooo, great pic!" +Scruff loves that pic! +Duelist needs to get ready for BINGO. +Duelist growls quietly, "Just, while y'all are pokin' fun at me....I should mention...." +Duelist growls quietly, "Since 2011, I am up $12,300 playin' bingo." +Kuttas could use $12300 +Duelist growls quietly, "But that don't mean it came home with me >;)" +Srass grins. "Cool." +Miko could use $123. +Danish huh. Gotta make it rain sometimes. +Himmel could use $12.30 +Danish could use $12. +Srass says, "No? What'd you do with it?" +Kuttas would be on a plane in short notice if he had that. +Duelist growls quietly, "Slots, restaurants, bars....etc." +Miko could .. no, he's probably got $1.23 on the floor, total. +Srass ahs. +Duelist growls quietly, "I have a running tally of my 'casino in general' fund...." +Duelist growls quietly, "Since 2008 I'm up, like, $8" +Danish lows, "Miko, if you share your $1.23 with me I can get a pack of smokes." +Scruff chirps, "Eight bucks!" +Miko chatters, "I'll just put the change in the mail for you, yeah?" +Duelist growls quietly, "So consider that as a career." +Kuttas says, "That's $19.65 or so a day" +Danish pets, you're a dear. +Duelist growls quietly, "$8 in 4 years. So that's $2 a year." +Duelist growls quietly, "About 200 hours a year..." +Duelist growls quietly, "I make a penny an hour, gambling!" +Srass says, "I imagine you're doing better than a lot of people. :-P" +Danish lows, "Have you gotten any old lady hugs, though? Those are more precious than money." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hell no" +Duelist growls quietly, "Those old biddies are a menace!" +Kuttas snickers. +Duelist growls quietly, "Especially around nickle slots!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Watch those old, pointy elbows, cuz they throw 'em" +Duelist growls quietly, "Anyhoo, time to BINGO! Wish me luck!" +Tequiua says, "Nickle slots? They go that low?" +Danish lows, "Luck!" +Srass says, "Good luck!" +Miko chatters, "What happens if you add the money you've spent on eating and drinking to that $8? I mean, you don't subtract lunch from your paycheck." +Tequiua says, "I though the lowest was $1 USD" +Miko chatters, "Break a leg!" +Duelist hah! +Duelist bingooooooo! +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Danish lows, "Macbeth!" +MegaWolf vaguely fends off RL +MegaWolf nosekisses Scruff, 'cuz kitten. +Kuttas had this creepy chick hitting on him hard the last two times he went to the redneck bar. The second time, he asked her, "So, you lookin' to take a randy young cowboy home to rock your world all night long?" with a suggestive grin. When she smiled and waggled her eyebrows and said, "Yes," he continued. "Me too. Any prospects?" +Kuttas says, "Err, Creepy old chick*" +Srass giggles. "What'd she say to that?" :D +Kuttas says, "Not a word." +Srass laughs! +Tequiua says, "Brakeback mountain episode." +Kuttas says, "She just got this really weird expression and wandered off." +MegaWolf snibbles Makyo and Zeph, Floid gets tweaked. +Kuttas says, "She was also like, 4'2" and probably old enough to be my mother. It was ridiculous to start with. " +Tequiua is ok with old people sex, "They are good on bed too." +Gyroe scoots! +Gyroe goes home. +Gyroe has left. +Tequiua says, "Or so... I... em... had heard... <.< >.>" +Danish lows, "So, old, short, good to go, and you turned this down?" +Kuttas says, "Yes." +Danish pets Tequiua, we all like DILFs here. +Srass giggles, and pets Tequiua. +Tequiua says, "DILF?" +Himmel says, "Dad I'd like to Fuck." +Tequiua chuckles. +Himmel, super into'em. +Kuttas says, "I've got no problem with older women. Older women are awesome. But I don't like being hounded, and I'm not keen on casual bar hookups." +Danish growls, "Himmel, go to your room... on second thought, go to my room." +Kuttas says, "Actually, I'm no keen on casual hookups in general." +Tequiua says, "Casual hookups are good. Straight to the point." +Mundy BURP. +Himmel goes to Danish's room. Waits patiently. +Tequiua says, "Cheaper in the long run." +Danish lows, "Itty bitty baby." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Ugh, what is with websites and this Springboard video server?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "The videos won't play for me" +Miko chatters, "Itty bitty boat." +Tequiua says, "Springboard sucks!" +Himmel says, "I CAN'T BE-MEME- IT." +Scruff noses around, sneaks out! +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +MegaWolf also hates it when there's like twenty servers he has to pick from in Noscript to get anything to work at all. +Kuttas rubs PILF. +Srass mews, and nuzzles Kuttas extensively. +Kuttas snuggles all over Srass. +Danish lows, "http://i.imgur.com/kQQUy.jpg" +Srass says, "Cute." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Hah" +Zeph listens to a mixtape type thing he got sent by a fellow werewolf enthusiast called 'Wolfsongs for Wolfbros'. +Mundy says, "Hungry Like the Wolf on it? :)" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Hungry Like I Was a Teenage Werewolf Of London" +Miko mutters something about showing you what all that howl is for. +Himmel says, "Or Within Temptation's The Killing?" +Zeph mews, "Heh, first track is a cover of that, Meeks." +MegaWolf totally needs to remix a song with that title now. n.n +Kia has connected. +Floid boggles at his landlordlady re: text messages. +Danish licks Miko! +Danish lows, "You reminded me I actually really do like a song about werewolves." +Zeph mews, "One of us! One of us!" +Himmel says, "Sorry. Not The Killing." +Danish lows, "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1-xRk6llh4" +Himmel says, "The Howling." +MegaWolf growls softly, "THT DNT CNFRNT ME, LNG AS I GT MY MNY NXT FRI" +Danish oh. Really needs to read up before posting things. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Werehuahuas" +MegaWolf growls softly, "The Yipping" +Huh? (Type "help" for help.) +Himmel says, "I would love this song if it was mixed down differently and the guy sang differently." +Zeph mews, "Man, I kinda want to share the mediafire link for this mixtape thing but I was asked not to. But it's really awesome. Dilemma." +Danish lows, "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4s5bj5fZO8 There you go, Himmel." +Miko chatters, "Try a live version? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxawVMQ02dc&" +Himmel says, "Well, I meant going the other way, Danish." +Miko chatters, "Actually, given the choice of which one to put on an album, I'd go with that live recording over the studio one." +Himmel says, "The Live Version is better, yes." +Miko chatters, "But then, I almost always would." +Zeph totally accidentally copypastes http://www.mediafire.com/?n2w8ufd6a3coghs +Danish lows, "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSEYGsk6KTM , Himmel?" +Danish lows, "Sorry, wrong link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uec35ppYLIc" +Miko chatters, "I like how little most of them look like members of a rock band." +Makyo mrp. +Makyo mrp from Canada. +Danish lows, "Makyo summoned by the dulcet tones of Neil Sedaka." +Danish hugs you! +(p) In a page-pose to you, Rikoshi snoof. +Zeph snugs a Makyofops, who he saw rather the likeness of on FA: < http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7700639/ > +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Himmel gapes at Danish. +Himmel says, "That guy is..." +Himmel says, "So..." +Himmel says, "-So- White." +Somewhere on the muck, Rikoshi has connected. +Duelist growls quietly, "oh yeah! time for hardcore championship bingo!" +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Mundy says, "Full-contact bingo? :)" +Kuttas says, "Have fun!" +You are currently marked as being away. +You page-pose, "Makyo nuzznuzz, all the way over from Canada." to Rikoshi +You have 1 mail messages waiting. Use 'page #mail' to read. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Rikoshi thinks you smell metric. +Duelist growls quietly, "nah, full contact is for screwing" +MegaWolf gently headbutts Duelist FOX +MegaWolf (Today at 8:22:40AM) -- http://skia.deviantart.com/art/Phone-Fox-175079615 +*Done* +Kuttas says, "Hide the dauber." +Kuttas snerks. +Mundy says, "Dauber dick." +Himmel says, "Dobiedick." +MegaWolf ohgodtehkyoot. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8847494/ +You are currently marked as being away. +You page-pose, "Makyo nod! Well...mostly smells like fox.." to Rikoshi +Zeph eeeeee. +Away flag reset. +Duelist growls quietly, "sweet foxies" +You yerf, "Goodfoxes." +Danish lows, "Whole gallery is brainmelting." + +---------- + +Ogg arrives from the foyer. +Ogg waves 'round, glumly, having just read about Margaras. +Draconis hugs the Ogg, and glums right along. +Ouroboros waves to Ogg. +Djirn rubs Draconis' belly to keep up the wrring +Makyo nuzz on Ogg. +Ogg chatters, "That's two military furs that we've lost in vehicular crashes. Doesn't seem fair." +Floki "Hi Ogg! +Floki says, "Meep, what happened...?" +Floki says, "Reading, where...?" +Justin arrives from the foyer. +Floki reads 'read'. +Floki says, "Oh, heavens..." +Justin pounces and puppylicks! Floki +Floid has disconnected. +Floki meep!s at Justin. +Floki says, "Hi! You got furry!" +Floki's left head mourns at Margaras. +Ogg hugs Floki! Floki hugs the pea-green monkey warmly and scritches his spine. +Floki snugs Ogg sadly. +Makyo mmmf ._. +JanusFox work, no plays. +Justin yaps, "You think I should shave?" +JanusFox changes a few array pointers around and ends up someplace else. +JanusFox has left. +Floki says, "No! I am far more used to furred people than bare-skinned!" +Djirn sheds on Draconis so he looks furry for Floki +Ogg chatters, "That's fuzzy logic." +Floki grins at Djirn. "Scales are not bare skin!" +Floki fuzzles Ogg. +Skylos has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +Miko hugs Ogg! Ogg YEEKs in alarm and blushes a deep forest green, but does nothing to try to escape Miko's attentions. +Miko shrieks, "WHAT UP MOTHERFUCKERS HERE'S A BOMB ON Y'ALL" +Skylos is sent home. +Skylos has left. +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Floid is sent home. +Floid has left. +Singe eeks! +Singe has left. +Fiend Plushie bounds after Singe. +Miko ahems. c.c +Floki says, "Hi, Miko." +Makyo o.o; +Miko chatters, "Hi, Floki." +Miko cuddles on Flokes, too. +Floki purrs on Miko a lot. +Tear has disconnected. +Miko sneaks to take his mama shopping. +Miko winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Miko has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has disconnected. +Undine licks Draconis! +Undine hugs Ogg! Ogg YEEKs in alarm and blushes a deep forest green, but does nothing to try to escape Undine's attentions. +Justin whistles for a bouncer, and a huge gorilla steps out of nowhere, and hauls out the sleeping furries. "Time ta go, boyz.." he growls.. +Tear is sent home. +Tear has left. +Undine raises the modesty screen. ;) +Draconis growfs, "you get my mail squish? re: window stuff?" +Undine says, "I dih." +Draconis growfs, "goodo." +Gyroe sneaks! +Gyroe goes home. +Gyroe has left. +Ogg counterhugs Undine. + +----- + +Makyo yrp. +Kia has a listen to Who by Fire?. +Miko hugs you! +Himmel rubs Miko. +Kia says, "The live version, so it isn't tarnished by Cohen's cheap-Casio aesthetic. " +Harth says, "That sucks about Marg, first I heard about that." +Kia says, "Though he wasn't doing that on New Skin yet. " +Makyo squeeze MIKS? +Miko eek. +You say, "Argh phone ;.;" +You yerf, "Sorry..." +Miko pets Makyo and his phone. +Miko thinks about Crocu for a bit now. +Makyo leeean. Sigh. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Azure prowls in. +Duelist thump Footpad. "Woof, how you is, hmm?" +Footpad blinks, widens his eyes, and exhales a deep breath. "Knocked" is about the best word for it. +Miko then thinks about Margs' music, some of which was sitting in a folder somewhere on a webserver, and trying to find that URL, and his first thought is 'ask Margs'. Stupid brain. +Footpad would have complained about the cold he's got, but suddenly it's no longer so goddamn relevant. +Makyo woke up thinking about Lynx. Has been up and down all day. +Arcturus arrives from the foyer. +Pontiac chomps on Arcturus. +Footpad oddly knows he's not really going to grieve for lynx. Just think about him a lot for a while. +Duelist growls quietly, "I think that time has passed....enough....that we will be coming to grips with this in our own ways." +Himmel daubs at Foots's nose. +Miko puts on "So You'll Aim Toward The Sky" for the eleventh time this week. +Grynn tackle jaql. +JanusFox yips, "Poor guy. Ah well, keep calm, carry on, and all that rubbish." +Skylos softly barks, "how many people are comfortable with death?" +JanusFox yips, "The trick is to be a jerk so you live forever." +Himmel says, "Depends on whose, Skylos." +Miko chatters, "My own death, or death in general?" +Makyo gets all sniffly in hotel bar. Classy as fuck. Idles a few. +Himmel says, "As for Margs, I'm just going to miss him." +Kia shrugs... Death comes to us all. Lemur would prefer it not come to him too soon, except for when he feels trapped, depressed and alone. +Skylos softly barks, "I'd think both, Miko. But if yo have to choose one, I'd say that of others. You'll have to deal with that a whole lot more times." +Skylos softly barks, "Nobody likes to feel like they don't have options." +Himmel says, "As for me, I have no problem with it happening. I hope as few people are distraught by my passing as possible, because I don't want to cause people pain." +Kia says, "As for others... And so it goes. " +Footpad is in the mood for angry music. +Kia gives Footpad some Geto Boys? They're his go to for angry music. +MegaWolf growls softly, "In the Angry Dome." +Duelist growls quietly, "Death isn't nearly as much of an issue as 'we want more' is. Face it, we want more. Taking someone away from us sucks. Yeah, it might sound selfish, but that's what it is. We want more." +Duelist growls quietly, "And now that we can't have more, well, it sucks." +Himmel nods. +JanusFox yips, "I'm really more concerned about the nature of the demise." +Miko chatters, "Well." +Miko chatters, "I was just thinking I wouldn't be so upset if Margs had.. gone somewhere. Become unavailable to me specifically." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Also the perceived unfairness of it." +JanusFox yips, "What concerns me is well... erf. I just hope he was going fast enough." +Skylos is curious of the circumstances of the accident, but it doesn't matter in the end. +Miko chatters, "It's that there's no more Margs to be had, for anyone, anywhere." +Miko chatters, "Been trying not to think about that, Janus, thanks." +Srass has left. +Srass has arrived. +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah...." +Duelist growls quietly, "I don't want to consider either." +Duelist growls quietly, "Cuz it ain't nice, no matter how you think about it." +Footpad finds himself protective and angry at the thought... no, fuck that. +Footpad wants more time with lynx. Wants lynx to have more time with him. It's not just selfish. +Himmel leans on Footpad. +Skylos huffs. +Skylos softly barks, "well. " +Kia pets Footpad. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +Kia oohs. There are "Mad World" piano tutorials. +TealFox arrives from the foyer. +JanusFox yips, "80s or 90s?" +Kia dunnos. Lemur's listening to a little known cover from the fabulous Red Paintings right now. Will look at the piano tuts momentarily. +Kia'd like to check the lyrics on this one. Suspects they're different. +Skylos wags. +Joe arrives from the foyer. +Skylos sniffs Joe. +Kia wonders where Joe's going with that gun in his hand. +Joe eyes Megawolf, comes over with a bottle of the good stuff. +Joe sez, "Kia, I'm going to shoot my old lady, heard she been messin' around wit anutha man!" +Joe sits across from Megawolf, waits for him to awake. +Joe waves to the small wuff and the big wuff. +Joe sits back, putting one ankle on a knee. +Footpad watches Joe with polite mistrust. Wolves tend to be that way with strangers. +Joe is not just a stranger but strange little Footpad. +Joe peers but smiles. +Miko chatters, "Speaking of, Foots. I miss you. We should try to actually figure out a time & place." +Kia thinks looking at piano tutorials for nice songs will distract him. +Joe eyes Miko and looks away. +Skylos coldnoses Joe and tries to lean on him. +Joe pets Skylos a bit but directs him to a chair at the table he's at with Megawolf. +Joe would sniff Kiwaku but the foxy party boy is not about tonight. +Kia already has the sheet music for fucking SMB. +Joe orders a Bin 63, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Skylos climbs up on chair? +Joe drops Bin 63. +Joe orders a Bin 65, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Joe drinks a bit of Bin 65. +Makyo okay. Back at room. +Joe eyes the Skylos and gives snax. +TealFox hugs Makyo +Skylos munches. +Makyo squeeze around Tealio. +Kia wonders if he could convince his tutor to drop To a Wild Rose in favor of Mad World. +TealFox provides comforting and soothing hugs +Joe leans on elbows on the table, wresting his chin on one fist and idly petting Skylos with the other. +Kia will get arund to Maple Leaf Rag in due time. +Skylos tries to lick in Joe's mouth. +Kia prrs quietly. Lemur supposes he's done found his instrument. +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has connected. +Joe rather avoids tounge with Skylos, popping a pretzle into that maw. "This always happens. Megawolf has /just/ left and I'm here with a pencil and paper. He's prolly in another window watching and laughing." +Joe rolls his eyes and chuckles. +Skylos softly barks, "what are you going to do with the paper?" +Joe sez, "Write on it." +Joe peers at Skylos. +Skylos softly barks, "what are you going to write on it?" +Joe sez, "Your home address and then show up in nothing but a leather halter when your dad answers the door." +Joe ^.~ +Skylos softly barks, "Hell yea." +Skylos can't wait. +Joe lauhgs. +Joe drinks a bit of Bin 65. +Weaving under the weight of an order of Bacon, >Manuel< stumbles over and gives it to Joe. He trots back to the kitchen, panting. +Joe rips off a piece and gives it to Skylos. +Joe eats a bit of Bacon. +Skylos softly barks, "my dad: http://dogpawz.com/photos/People/dad2.jpg" +Skylos softly barks, "he had a surgery recently on his neck artery because it was clogged" +Skylos softly barks, "but there was a complication and he had a stroke." +Mundy pokes at MSMVs.. Grf. +Skylos softly barks, "He'll be staying with my brother and nephews and sister in law for a while until the doc says he can do stairs again." +Makyo curls 'gainst Tealfoxes. Wrrf. +Joe sez, "Ironically thats not far from what I look like in RL: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bKbQXVNBnIc/T1z--qrC5XI/AAAAAAAAAIU/5VM9IWCOWQM/s1600/DocHD.jpg" +TealFox is good for curlling up with +Pontiac teleports away. +Pontiac has left. +Joe thinks Skylos dad did okay, he made Skylos. +Makyo prr and prr on Teal :3 +Joe sez, "When did Megawolf last post here?" +Skylos heh. "That's kind of you to say Joe. +Joe drinks a bit of Bin 65, finishing it. +Footpad likes the look of Skylos's dad. +Skylos softly barks, "my dad is a real friendly sweet guy." +Skylos softly barks, "Love him so much." +Joe sez, "You exemplify this." +Miko paws at Footpad. +Joe imagines an inverse of the Vader thing, Skylos is nice, like his father before him. +Footpad leans on Miko, and sighs thoughtfully. +Miko counterleans and closes his eyes. +TealFox snugs on Makyo. So is not liking sudden fall allergy attack...stupid texas trees +Footpad nudges Miko with his nose. Is there a better airport to look for than 'sinki? +Joe really needs to chat with Megawolf eventually. +Dachande. says, "Wouldn't the inverse of Vader mean that his father would have been good and then his father would have been mean? Although luke was sort of a dick now that I think about it." +Skylos isn't whiney, he hopes. +Joe sez, "No, inverse of the whole deal." +Skylos softly barks, "My doggie Akando is whiney. In fact, he just whined atm e just now." +Duelist growls quietly, "Bite that bad dog!" +Miko was looking at Tampere-Frankfurt because RyanAir is all he can afford, before having a poke at the other departure options. +Skylos softly barks, "but he's cute, and he has a flop ear." +Joe eyes his cat. "Bubba is full of love and purrs. I have this fantasy that we are both reincarnated. I was a brash priest in a hindu temple and went out for wood in the morning and he killed me as a tiger and now he's my pet in America. XD +Footpad would quite like to see Finland again. On the other hand, he'd like Miko to meet Mischa. So it can go either way. +Joe gets Footpad some vodka. +Joe orders a Finlandish Vodka, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +TealFox has disconnected. +Arcturus hnngf +Kia notes that Helsinki airport is lovely. +Name Sex Species ('whospe #help' for help) +Joe Unknown Transhuman +TealFox[asleep] male Arctic Vulpine +Srass[idle 9m] herm polymorphic chakat +Arcturus male Jackal +Makyo N/A Anthro Arctic Foxy +Harth[idle 9m] Male Minotaur +Skylos[idle 2m] male Man-Dog +Footpad male grey wolf (non-morphic) +Acy mALE Chow chow (chow) +Grynn male Grey/Arctic Wolf +Vexus[idle 1h] Male Cosmic Black Fox +Vetiver[idle 24m] Male Gemsbok (Southern oryx) +JanusFox[idle 4m] male Cross Fox +Kia male ringtailed lemur (lemur catta) +MegaWolf[idle 23m] male White Wolf 'Morph +Malkoten[idle 3h] male Black Panther +Himmel[idle 24m] Male Cat +Floid[idle 1h] male Dingo +Duelist[idle 2m] Male Skunk! +Mundy[idle 8m] -unknown- -unknown- +Miko[idle 2m] o-> Nut muncher +Dachande.[idle 3m] Male. Wolf. +Joe hands Finlandish Vodka to Footpad. +Kia suspects it beats hell out of flying out of Pulkovo, which, when flying in, struck him as if his British Airways flight was also a time machine to 1973. +Skylos brings Akando to meet Mischa. +Miko cares little about the details. He just wants some Footles time. :) +Joe gives Footpad to Miko +Joe is not authorized to do that but tries anyway. +Miko appreciates the thought. +Skylos softly barks, "here" +Skylos softly barks, "here's the white akando, sable banshee, and me: https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/rrJg5hctUS6dSzvd412HvdMTjNZETYmyPJy0liipFm0?feat=directlink" +Miko awr, doggies. +Duelist bites all those bad dogs! +Himmel misses his pup. ._. +Makyo snf. Miss dogs. +Joe sez, "Okay, seriously, when did Megawolf come on to FM so I can meet up with him?" +Skylos softly barks, "duelist, can't you tell these are good dogs, because they are german shepherds?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Of course they are!" +Duelist growls quietly, "They can take biteys too, cuz GSD is tough dog!" +Footpad guesses Kostya is lucky he can take biteys, because he must get a lot from TIGR. +Miko wishes he had a better idea of his plans past the end of the month. It's all up in the air. +Duelist do bite Kostya! *grni* +Duelist err grin! +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya looks like Banshee." +Skylos softly barks, "megawolf shows online, Joe." +Joe hands Bacon to MegaWolf. +Duelist - http://www.bigtiger.net/images/Kostya.jpg +Skylos softly barks, "he hasn't sent a message for 27 minutes though." +Joe orders a Meet With Joe, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Skylos orders a doggie blaster, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Skylos drinks a bit of doggie blaster. +Skylos drinks a bit of doggie blaster. +Skylos drinks a bit of doggie blaster, finishing it. +Joe hands Meet With Joe to MegaWolf. +Joe sez, "There." +Joe chuckles. +Skylos softly barks, "Akando is whining up storm. Better dog the walk." +Footpad wags his tail gently. Kostya is so very, very purty. Happy memories of dog when he was only three months old. +Srass has left. +Makyo just got dogpictures tonight. +Joe sez, "I always thought the internal email of mucks could be used for short encrypted messages, but this is different." +Srass arrives from the foyer. +Joe imagines the NSA watching the Nurple. +Joe O.O +Say version 3.11a (c)1993 by Tim (#64369) +Type 'sayhelp' for help on say. Local notify-routines now supported. Sayhelp 5 +You yerf, "There we go: http://pics.lockerz.com/s/246236343 " +Makyo must hug that dog. +Mundy says, "Kostya looks almost camera shy." +Duelist growls quietly, "Awww, sweet foxy dog!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Nah, Mundy, that is suspicious dog. He is at the vet." +Mundy says, "Ah.. Gonna get stabbed with needles" +Duelist growls quietly, "He don't mind needles. He do not like the vet tech tho. The vet tech is a wuss." +Skylos winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Skylos has left. +Kia has yet another listen to Rachele Gilmore. +Mundy wonders if he cooked this MSMV.. Hmm.. +Makyo dog is okay! He's a big thing, good for a hug or two. +Joe eyes Kia. +Joe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4t2AVTtPSQ +Duelist - http://www.bigtiger.net/images/kdbw.jpg +Kia says http://youtu.be/CHp4LLnlKIg +Footpad stuffit. Gets up, packs in a hurry to board a train. +Miko hugs Footpad! +Kia pats Footpads rump onto the train. +Miko chatters, "Seeya, dearest of wolves." +Mundy says, "Happy dog is home" +Makyo hug on Footpads. +Duelist pets-n-thumps Footpad, nicely, of course. +Footpad pokes Miko with his cold nose. We shall discuss this further. For now: au revoir. +Footpad has disconnected. +Duelist growls quietly, "Makyo has awesome dawg." +Joe eyes the fading Megawolf and chuckles. He gets up, pays Enrico and leaves this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXYl5NrHPb4 +Joe goes home. +Joe has left. +Makyo tries to snoof his way into Miko's good favor. "So You'll Aim Toward The Sky" came on playlist and now feels all okay. +Miko pets Makyo, who is permanently favored as it is. +Makyo's dog is okay! Sometimes a brat! +Makyo prr and prr :o) +Miko puts on a last song for the night. Low - Lullaby. +Mundy studies the logic diagrams. Brainsplodey. +Makyo awr, more dog: http://pics.lockerz.com/s/245597378 +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has disconnected. +Himmel buries himself in Science. Ugh. +Makyo ugh wants to tussle with these paws: http://pics.lockerz.com/s/243461399 +Duelist growls quietly, "Awwwww" +Duelist growls quietly, "That's such a sweet dawg." +Makyo loves that dog so much :I +Duelist growls quietly, "Good!" +Duelist growls quietly, "You should" +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Srass noses Djirin. +Kia gives Himmel some goggles. Otherwise, Science can blind you. +Miko nuzzles about and beds. +Duelist licks Srass! +Miko winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Miko has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has disconnected. +Srass licks Duelist! +Djirin blinds Sras with science +Duelist whips out his hockey stick. He 'skates' up to a sleeper, winds up and lets a slapshot go! +TealFox spins and spins into a Teal blur and then with a loud *FOOP*, disappears! +TealFox has left. +Footpad slinks cautiously to a safer sleeping-place. +Footpad has left. +Srass bumps into things. Including science. +Harth winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Harth has left. +Djirin nooooooogies srass nooogyingly +Srass gropes Djirin firmly! +Mundy gooses Duelist! +Duelist O.O +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah rar. +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has disconnected. +Mundy grumps and flails around in http://www.ti.com/lit/ds/symlink/cd14538b.pdf +Djirin symlinks Mundy to Srass +Djirin hmms. multivibrator +Djirin peers at Mundy +MegaWolf drops Meet With Joe. +MegaWolf drops Bacon. +Mundy's not making sex toys. >.< +Duelist chrp! +Djirin murmurs quietly, "Sureeeeeee" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Speaking of... where is Alex fox?" +Srass says, "He hasn't even signed on since April." +You yerf, "AlexP/" +Zhorah rumbles, "Foxcube?" +Makyo er.. ? +Zhorah rumbles, "Alexp is a cube" +You yerf, "He's all over twitter." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Tell foxcube to revivify!" +Makyo okies, did so :o) +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Srass licks Kuttas' ears. +Kuttas wriggles them +Grynn ruffles Kuttas' mane. +Kuttas licks Grynn! +Grynn wags and slurrrps hyena back. +Djirin muwahahahas +Kuttas eyes Djirin. +Djirin burp +Kia's cat seems to be developing a fondness for being where he is. +Djirin drapes atop Kia too +Srass offers Kia a cat spatula. +MegaWolf gobed before Freaky von Psycho returns. +Mundy hmms.. one-shot is not one-shotting.. +MegaWolf winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +MegaWolf has left. +Kia says, "I mean, exactly where I am. So I sit up in bed, and she gets between me and the pillow. :P " +Kuttas says, "Who's Xane on about?" +Somewhere on the muck, MegaWolf has disconnected. +Mundy says, "Joe, I wager." +You yerf, "Alex, Kuttas?" +Makyo oh, right, reads up c.c +Kuttas says, "Oh, oops... I forgot something..." +Kuttas bites Mundy! +Dachande. says, "I'm thinking Joe." +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Makyo nod c.c +Kuttas shakes his head. Poor Xane. +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Zhorah rumbles, "who's joe?" +Kia says, "Joe's the guy with the gun in his hand who's going to shoot his old lady. " +Kuttas says, "I thought he was a plumber." +Kia says, "Joe's the guy with a plunger in his hand, who's going to plunge his old lady's toilet 'cause he caught her flushing things down the toilet? " +Makyo cold, tired. Probably bedtime in a bit. +Zhorah curls around Makyo +Mundy hmms.. Eyes logic doodles. +Makyo curl within curl, steals a bit of warmth. +Zhorah is very warm +Kia listens to a song that may make him cry. +Mundy seems to have also misplaced one of his little voltage doodads.. +Kia gets a tin hat and a gun and gets sent away to the war. +Makyo purr and purr and purr at Zhorah. Fox should bed. +Duelist sneak into FOX bed! +Makyo has a big bed, for the next few nights! King! +Duelist not sure space is all that necessary >;) +Duelist kidding! Innocent foxy >:) +Zhorah sneaks in too! +Makyo giggles, prrr :3 +Djirin reduces the king to a twin. puts Duelist atop Makyo +Makyo prrr, good and cozy and warm beds :3 +Kia prrfs. o/~ For to hang tents and pegs, a man needs two legs--no more waltzing Matilda for me. o/~ That'd be the part that usually gets him all misty. :( +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas snugz. :) How you? +Duelist might not be so innocent with Zhorah tho! +Duelist whistles.... +Kia mmfs. Helps that his own history has a bit of this in it. +Zhorah <.< +You page, "Rough night. Lost a friend last week, still dealin'. You?" to Judas. +Kia's great(?)-granddad got gassed in the Great War. Wasn't the same after. +Kia says, "So I hear. I never met him. " +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas awrfs, an' snugs you into his lap. He gently wrapps you up in foxarms an' foxtail, resting his muzz on your shoulder. "I'm okie. Just chillin' in front of the TV. +Kia's drunk-ass grampa just invaded Sicily or whatever. +Kia says, "He's dead too, before I ever had the sense to talk to him. And so it goes. " +You page-pose, "Makyo rrmfs and leans in against you all cozylike, chills with you for a few longer, then." to Judas +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas nuzzles ears. Anything I can do? +Kuttas leans. +Kia wishes his grandfolks could've lived long enough for him to have some sense. +You page-pose, "Makyo nuzz atcha some. Will just be time, supposes :o)" to Judas +Himmel liens on Kuttas. +Kuttas is cat exempt. +Himmel collects his ees, anyhow. +Himmel... fees. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas nodnods an' jus' snuggles. Gonna go to bed? +Kuttas robs Himmel blind. +Kia wants to talk to gramma S---y and grampa S---y and granny H----s and Papa H----s. Gramma could tell him about when she was in a convent. Grampa could tell him about Sicily. Papa could tell him about all of his crazy random jobs and being on the Mississip and all. Granny could tell him... um. Something. Or other. Ok, Granny, kind of an awesome lady, but perhaps not the best historical source. +Zhorah licks Kuttas. +Kia could get at great-granny the post-mistress and general-store-...woman through her, but would rather have just talked to great-granny. +Mundy bangs head on desk. +(p) Judas pages, "Should I get ready wif pillows an' plushie? :)" to you. +Kuttas pets Zhorah's nose. +Kuttas thinks Himmel is a scaredy cat. +Srass peers at Mundy. "You okay over there?" +Zhorah rubs nose on Kuttas. +Mundy says, "No." +Kia mmmhs. And the greats could've told me about the great-greats... *sigh* Fuck you, Mr. Death. +Himmel pffs. +Himmel says, "I'm many things." +Himmel says, "A scaredy cat is not one of them." +Duelist growls quietly, "What's up, MundyWoof?" +Grynn yawwwwns. +Mundy says, "This MSMV isn't working. It looks like I've got shit connected properly. But.. It's not behaving." +Djirin murmurs quietly, "Pound it with a rock" +Mundy says, "That'd be real helpful." +Djirin nods! +Kia anyways. Lemur lets you talk about scaredy cats and MSMVs. +Djirin offers Kuttas for pounding instead +Himmel rubs Kia. +Himmel says, "I'd love to meet my ancestors." +Himmel says, "But all of them would think I'm an abomination." +Himmel says, "The living ones all do, anyway." +Kuttas murrs! +Kia met his grandparents. All of them loved him. +You page-pose, "Makyo rrwf, nod, definitely time for bed soon. Needs cozy :3" to Judas +Himmel says, "One of my grandparents loved me. And one of my step-grandparents." +Himmel says, "Actually." +Kia says, "All of them died before I had the sense to actually ask them anything. " +Himmel says, "I'm not even sure how to define that relationship." +Kia says, "Fuck, I should talk to my dad about Vietnam. " +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas gently picks you up, an' carries you over to the bed. He pulls back the sheets wif his tail, sets you on the bed, gets in himself, an' covers us both up. :) +Himmel says, "My grandmother married another man." +Kuttas wonders why, if Himmel isn't a scaredy cat, he's set !K? +Kia says, "Well, at least she didn't marry another woman? " +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas gets all snuggly, a life-size foxplush. :) +Himmel says, "... Is that what the flag is, here?" +Kia's gramma would've married another man if she hadn't been Catholic and... well, Catholic. +Himmel says, "I thought it was kill_ok?:no ." +Kia says, "Grampa was a nasty drunk. " +Himmel's biological grandfather was a douchewad. +Cain arrives from the foyer. +Cain sits down +Makyo sneaky to bed. +There's no place like home... +There's no place like home... +There's no place like home... +You wake up back home, without your possessions. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +You page-pose, "Makyo sqky, purrs and gets all cozy with, then, nestling under covers. Fox really should get to bed, 'fore it stays up much longer." to Judas +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas turns out the light. Goodnight. :) *Zzz* +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas *mrr*-signs you to sleep. :) +(p) Judas pages, "*sings" to you. +You page-pose, "Makyo dozes 'gainst comfortably, prr." to Judas +% Connection to furry closed. +``` diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/margaras/05.md b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d17a430c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-16 +weight: 22 +--- + +> Thank you. + +I was going to save that for September sixth. + +> I know. + +You made me cry. + +> I know. + +You hurt me. + +> I know. It's been seven years. + +
Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba +Would that I had the faith +To pray daily. +Eleven months to let you go, +And an amen to end the sorrow.
+ +> It's okay to not let go of some things. + +How? How so? How could that possibly be true? How could one possibly grow as a person with not letting go of something? + +> It's okay to not let go of some things, and to use them to inform your growth in the future. It's okay to use grief to become a better person. + +I guess. + +But it still hurts. + +> I know. We can continue. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/margaras/_index.md b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e6eb620d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/margaras/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /furry/7 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/younes/02.md b/writing/ally/furry/younes/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b394867f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/younes/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-17 +weight: 23 +--- + +Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me. + +> 'Started'? + +Well, okay, in a very specific way. I started hating the anger. I started hating the expectations. I starting hating the toxicity. + +> You started hating a lot more than that. + +I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies. + +I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth. + +> Not even yourself. + +Not yet, at least. + +There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds. + +> Tell me about suicide. + +Not yet. Don't derail me for a bit. I need some breathing room after yesterday. + +> Tell me about Younes, then. + +I'm getting there. + +I started taking my own meds alongside those the doctor gave me. I started the slow process of ridding myself of testosterone. I hated my body so much, I did my best to camp out up in my head, to remove at least one means of having to interact with it: sex. + +> Go back. Before that. + +Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by 'it' pronouns. And I made Younes. + +Younes was a means for me to no longer lie. Or at least knock the severity of the lies down a few notches. + +Younes was like me. He looked like a guy, but had something decidedly feminine about him. + +> Don't be coy: he had a vagina. + +Well, yes, but he wasn't simply male in all his interactions. He was effeminate, without being flamey. He could be both more and less than a guy. + +> Let's talk about kink. + +Soon, soon. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/younes/03.md b/writing/ally/furry/younes/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2c019008 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/younes/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-18 +weight: 24 +--- + +There's a few things that I did wrong, here. + +> Objectively? + +Yes. Or maybe, wrong by consensus. Wrong subjectively, and also wrong by the standards of many of those around me. + +> Did they feel wrong at the time? + +They felt shameful. + +> Is shame wrong? + +Not always. It can be an indicator, I suppose. + +> It's a tool. It's a tool to tell you when you're being vulnerable. In this case, vulnerable in your uncertainty. + +I suppose. + +I handled this in a way that made me feel a lot of shame. I was uncertain about a lot. + +> If you had done so unabashedly, would that have made it any better? + +I don't know, honestly. + +> What were you uncertain about? + +I was uncertain about the approach. I was uncertain about the terminology. I was uncertain about how it made me feel. That last most of all, probably. + +I approached Younes as a primarily sexual facet of myself. After all, what's the point of making a character with both a penis and a vagina, I thought, if there isn't going to be some aspect of sexuality to it? + +> There may be a great many points besides that. + +Yeah, I know that now. Uncertain, remember? + +> Always. + +So I made an altersex character that was primarily sexual in nature. that was the approach. And then I called him a 'male-herm'. + +> Ouch. + +Yeah, ouch. The term does not fit so well these days. Some folks own it, and I'm happy for them, but even then, the term rankled. It took a lot of history and turned it, for a lot of folks, into a fetish. A lot of intersex folks are really unhappy with it being used. Ditto 'futanari'. + +It's understandable, too. Like, I've dealt with chasers. Folks who fetishize my gender, my presentation, my body. + +> It's understandable now. + +Yes. Uncertainty. + +It made me feel almost right. It made me feel like I was on the edge of something. It made me feel just around the corner from a revelation. It made me doubt myself. It made me doubt my place in the world. It was both a symptom and the cause of my hatred for body. + +> For your body, or for yourself? + +Both, I suppose. It was a symptom of this growing unease, this feeling of being just a few millimeters to the left of myself. This feeling of being just slightly out of focus. + +A rangefinder camera uses a ghostly yellow image overlaid atop the real image when you look through the viewfinder. When you turn the ring of the lens to focus, that ghost slowly shifts to align with the object you want to be in focus. + +> Your view of yourself was slowly slipping from focus. Matthew was starting to lose coherency. + +And Younes was one of the means of slowly dragging that back into focus. + +It doesn't matter how right or wrong it was of me to use this tool. It does matter how wrong I was in the mechanics of the scenario. + +> You hid him. You covered him up and kept him from the world. You interacted with a completely different crowd, as Younes than you did as Makyo or Macchi. When that overlapped with Rikky, it was awkward. + +It was, and not because of the altersex part. We interacted that way with Makyo as altersex, too, amd that didn't feel awkward at all. It felt like cheating to engage with the world as Younes. It felt shameful. + +> The thing that you did wrong was to lie. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/younes/04.md b/writing/ally/furry/younes/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..33ca5da9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/younes/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-18 +weight: 25 +--- + +Growing up, I had a real problem with lying. + +> There were reasons. + +That doesn't mean it wasn't a problem. That doesn't make it right. + +> It shifts more into the gray area. + +Let's talk about dad later. Life began at high school, remember? We can talk about the kid who grew up to be born freshman year some other time. + +> The problem with lying is often the problem of secrets. The only secret that can be kept is when only one person knows it, and even then it's not guaranteed. + +Yes. + +> And you got found out. + +Yes. + +> And it cost you. + +Yes. It cost me friends. It cost me sanity. It made me jerk away from the path I'd started down. Made me jerk out of focus again. + +> Let's talk about TIASAP. + +Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/furry/younes/_index.md b/writing/ally/furry/younes/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8ddc28eb --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/furry/younes/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /14 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/01.md b/writing/ally/gender/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..11132f21 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-25 +weight: 1 +--- + +> How did we get here? + +What? + +> How did we get here? How did we get to this topic? Trace for me the route you took to get to the point where you felt able to talk about gender. + +Well, I suppose I started by talking about furry, which led to me talking about Younes, right? He was sort of the beginning of my more serious explorations into gender as something other than a tool for enjoying sex. + +> Yes, but that's not where gender is on the map, is it? + +Why are you trying to get me to do this? + +> Because we must take care to place ourselves in our time: now that we are done with writing about one of the hardest parts of our lives. And we must take special care that we locate ourselves within our place: having come at this conversation about gender through self-harm. + +Then yes. We got here through furry, which opened up the path before us to even begin exploring gender, and then we finally reached this topic through that of self-harm, wherein I came face to face with so many aspects of my body. It's so easy to disappear within one's own head for days, weeks, months at a time, but one eventually comes to terms with the fact that one is stuck with a body, and thus one must deal with it. Live with it and inhabit it. + +What better way to experience that sudden, jarring dissonance of body-ownership than to re-inhabit it and discover it to be wrong in so many ways? diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/02.md b/writing/ally/gender/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..240dd7cb --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-30 +weight: 2 +--- + +I stand by the fact that not every trans, non-binary, or queer person experiences gender through a negative lens. Dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans. It has to be the case that there be a positive way to experience gender, or transition would be simply an exercise in futility. There has to be a flip side. There has to be gender euphoria. + +> There has to be the little thrill of typing `morph female` and being able to interact with the world around you --- even if that's only in the instance of a furry text-base role-play game --- as something other, something truer. There has to be that even when you still enjoy the body you've got. + +Or are at least okay with it being yours on a day-to-day basis, yes. + +And I was. I thought I looked okay. I was reasonably fit. I was tall and I liked it. I was a baritone and happy with my voice. + +> "Was"? + +There has to be some flip-side, right? There has to be a flip-side to the gender euphoria that I was feeling, and that was a slowly mounting dysphoria. + +If we got here through any one part of the trail I mentioned, it was through Younes specifically, more than *just* furry or *just* self-harm, because with Younes, so much started to hit me in a very visceral, physical way. It was one thing for me play as a girl online, to touch on aspects of gender and fertility and even sexism. It was another to be confronted with the fact that maybe the body that I had wasn't okay. + +> "I remember laying on the couch," you said. "That awful, awful yellow couch, and [JD] getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against me wasn't in focus." + +Why do you bring my words back to me? + +> "It brought to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself," you said. "That there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself." + +I did. But why? + +> Because you wrote that in the section about liminality. + +Yes, but I wrote it two days later than I wrote about Younes. + +> The time scale is not what I'm pointing at right now. + +Can you point? + +> Are you looking at my finger, or the moon? Don't dodge this. I'm pointing at the fact that you came at gender through furry, then through self-harm, and yet this quote, this realization of "oh, shit, I might actually be trans", is all the way on the other side of that goofy map you make, and from there, you headed into talking about your dad. + +So? + +> And you headed from there to talking about your dad. + +So? + +> By way of talking about a dress you tried on as a kid. + +I think I see where you're going, but it's important that you make your point. + +> Gender is woven throughout this entire project. Gender is woven throughout your entire life. You build a map of this site like a web, and it is gender that is helping to hold it together. + +It is identity that is holding it together. + +> Name a part of your identity that figures larger in your life than gender. + +Ah. diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/03.md b/writing/ally/gender/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..18369959 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-30 +weight: 3 +--- + +So, if we've talked about furry and we've talked about the dress and we've talked about dad and self-harm and the yellow couch, then what is there to talk about when it comes to gender? + +> Talk about what happened. + +Are those not things that happened? + +> They are things that happened before. They are precursors and doormats and signs. They all point to gender. Talk about gender. Talk about what happened. + +Alright. + +I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against that me that wasn't in focus. It brought it to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself, that there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself. + +> As you said. + +I remember scooting back up into a sitting position, facing JD, with us sitting by the picture window in the living room. I remember words coming out in a jumble. I remember leaning heavily on similes. I remember taking lots of breaks as though I was collecting my thoughts when really I was trying to talk without my voice going all gross with tears. That horrible, bubbly, trapped-in-my-chest sound that comes with trying to talk while crying. + +I remember explaining to him that I'd been spending so much time online having different parts than I actually had, that it was super jarring to have it brought into focus that that was actually not the case. I tried to say how, feeling him aroused and pressing against me, pressing between my legs, it hurt on a very emotional level that he was pressing only against my perineum and not against a vulva. + +> Emotional isn't the right word there. It hurt on a visceral level. On a primitive level. It hurt in the sense that you had all of the reactions to pain except for the physical sensation of pain itself. There was the panic, the need to get away, to stop whatever was happening to cause that pain. + +I remember saying that I was having some complicated feelings about gender, but being largely unable to explain what they were. + +They were things that I could feel and not say. They were as yet ineffable. They were liminal. They had yet to surface completely. + +> And they were frightening. Too frightening to say. + +Yes, had I the words, I would not have been able to say them out of fear. Fear that they might drive JD away, but also fear that they might be true, because if they were true, I was fucked. diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/04.md b/writing/ally/gender/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..565084b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 4 +--- + +> So were you? + +Was I what? + +> Fucked. Were you fucked? + +I think that's still to-be-determined. + +> You don't seem fucked. I mean, life is harder now, I suppose. You've got to contend with a minority identity you never particularly wanted. + +There's no denying that. I don't quite like that this is what I'm stuck with, but I do alright with it. I try to keep going as best I can, and I try to help others as much as I can along the way. Robin likes to call me a "trans psychopomp", but I suspect that's due in part to the word 'psychopomp' is really fun to say. I would say that she falls under that title as well. + +> Do you see yourself as one? Do you see yourself as someone who guides others? + +Not particularly. I feel like I'm doing everything by accident. I feel like I'm accidentally visibly trans. Like I can't help but be visibly trans, like that's what I've got to work with. That that helps others long the way is still something of a mystery. A pleasant one, but a mystery. + +Still, the least I could do is not hurt, might as well put in the effort to be a help. + +> Do you think that others see you as a resource? + +Perhaps, though that has me worried. That's an awful lot of responsibility. + +> Permit me to take a tangent. + +Do I have a choice? + +> You always have a choice. + +If I say no, what will happen? + +> Nothing. + +You'll let me just carry on with what I was saying? + +> Sure. + +Do you have the power to stop me? + +> No, but do you? + +Ah. diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/05.md b/writing/ally/gender/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..584eba45 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-19 +weight: 5 +--- + +> Do you see yourself as a woman? + +I see where you're going with this. + +> And? + +It's a good direction. + +> So. Do you see yourself as a woman? + +No. I'm a giant lump. I'm a rectangle. I'm more than six feet tall. I'm a baritone. I barely have breasts. I don't pass. + +> Do you want to? + +No. + +> That was easy. + +It's not. + +> No, it isn't. diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/06.md b/writing/ally/gender/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4dbb741c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-19 +weight: 6 +--- + +> Start at the beginning. + +And when I get to the end, stop. Yes. + +As soon as I got surgery, literally when I was in the hospital, laying in bed on my five days strict bed-rest, something changed about the ways in which trans women interacted with me. I was, in some indescribable way, no longer trans. + +> Or, perhaps, no longer trans enough. + +Yes. I became a *persona non grata* in a way that didn't involve actually cutting me out of trans spaces. + +> You were done. You were finished. You had beat the game. + +I was a woman now. What could I possibly bring to a trans space, now that I was just a woman? I was appropriating their spaces. I was trespassing. + +> So. Do you see yourself as a woman? + +You just asked me that. + +> And I didn't like your answer. Do you see yourself as a woman? + +I don't. I see myself as a trans woman. + +> Why? + +Do you want the scientific answer(s), or the personal? + +> ... + +Right. + +I see myself as a trans woman because that's who I am. That's *what* I am. I can't change that. I can't suddenly become interested in mechanical engineering. I can't suddenly be a dog. I can't even slowly become those things, I can't *learn* to be a mechanical engineer, because I'm not interested in it. + +I can't become a woman. + +This isn't some essentialist, transphobic bullshit. Trans women are women, period. I'm not denying that. + +I'm just not a woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm *specifically* a trans woman. That's who I am. That's *what* I am. I don't want to pass. I don't want to be stealth. I don't want to be a woman, because that's very specifically not what I am. + +To have someone say, "I just see you as a woman" is to have a portion of my identity erased. It's reductionist to describe someone as something they aren't. That's one of the lessons we learned from folks coming out, from folks learning about identity. + +> You just also learned that other trans women are as apt to do the same. + +Yes. I left chats. I stopped talking with some people. I didn't feel welcome, no matter how friendly folks were. Where I had been leaning heavily on Maddy, that cis-female character, I started drifting back towards Makyo, towrads portraying the explicitly transfeminine. + +> All because they believed you were something that you weren't. + +Yes. + +> And did you ask them? + +No. + +> Why not? + +I didn't feel that I needed to. It was one of those types of ostracization where you're part of a circle, and then slowly people stop referring to you, and then maybe someone leans over to nudge the person standing on the other side of you and then doesn't quite lean back all the way, and then somehow you're standing just outside this circle of your very own friends, holding your red solo cup, wondering what it is that you did wrong. + +> Did you make your voice heard. + +Not for more than a year after. + +> Why not? + +Because perhaps I was appropriating their space. Perhaps I was taking this venue that was for these pre-op trans women to talk about their struggles and stepping into it unwanted. Perhaps I was stepping out of my lane. + +> Were you? + +I don't know. diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/07.md b/writing/ally/gender/07.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cb934cb4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/07.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-19 +weight: 7 +--- + +> What did you do? + +I think the correct question is "What didn't I do?" + +> I'll bite. What didn't you do? + +I didn't practice my voice. I didn't give up dyeing my hair. I didn't stop dressing like a mess. I didn't do all of those things that are supposed to help you get by in the world without all that added baggage of being trans. + +I didn't try to pass. + +I didn't try to be a woman. + +I didn't want to. I want to be a trans woman. It's not masochism. It's not appropriation. I don't think so. I think it's living true to myself. I think it's being honest and saying that who I am involves being trans, and that ignoring that would be doing myself a disservice. + +> "I was not Madison," you said. "I am not Matthew. I can't deny his existence, though. He was him, and to erase that, to toe the party line and say I've always known that I was Madison, would do a disservice to him." + +Yes, but it goes beyond that. I'm not saying simply that I was not a woman and then either at some point did become one or that, at some point, *will* become one. I'm saying that I live in that liminal space between. I can't be anything other than what I am. I can't live anywhere else. + +> There's a lot of talk in your circles about internalized transphobia. That sense that one should hate this aspect about oneself and try to get away from it. Have you not just internalized some sort of trans euphoria? Have you not simply bought into the sense of being different for being different's sake? + +Are you playing at being devil's advocate? + +> Yes. + +Why? + +> I want you to justify yourself. + +Why? + +> Because it's important that you be able to explain yourself. + +Why? + +> Because if you can't, how can you say you understand yourself? diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/08.md b/writing/ally/gender/08.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..16cfe1ad --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/08.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-19 +weight: 8 +--- + +You are playing devil's advocate because you are handily ignoring genderqueer people in order to get me to explain my identity. + +> I am, yes. So, explain. + +We, as gender-nonconforming people, talk often about gender dysphoria. There is a flip side to that. There is gender euphoria. There is that sense of rightness when you glimpse the you who was meant to be in the mirror, rather than the you who you've been trained to be. + +I look in the mirror and I see a woman sometimes, and that makes me happy. I look in the mirror and I see a man sometimes, and that makes me unhappy. + +> Does that not make you a woman? + +...And sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see this rockin' queer person, someone who is unabashedly, unashamedly trans, and *that* is when I feel euphoria. + +I don't fit in cisgender spaces. I never will. I fit in trans spaces. That's the 'square hole', as it were. that's where I belong. + +> Are you not gender-queer, then? + +Am I? So be it. That is not mutually exclusive with being a trans woman. + +But to have that part of myself be erased by other trans women because I reached some magical stage on the gender escalator and stepped off hurts as much as being misgendered as a man by the worst TERF out there. diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/09.md b/writing/ally/gender/09.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1f61a86f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/09.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-19 +weight: 9 +--- + +> I'm happy for you. + +What? Why? + +> You're proud. For the first time, you're proud of who you are. diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/_index.md b/writing/ally/gender/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f2544d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +--- +type: serial +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/001.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/001.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..68dd7830 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/001.html @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-30 +weight: 1 +--- + +
Saturday is for mechanics. +Sunday is for terror. +Monday is for acceptance. +Tuesday is for purging. +Wednesday is for anxiety. +Thursday is for sleep.
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/002.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/002.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..867c1f2d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/002.html @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-21 +weight: 2 +fit: true +--- + +
It is surprisingly hard to think something real
+when every indication, every word, all you feel
+tells you that that must not be the case.
+There's no easy way to make yourself face
+that which your emotions continually deny,
+no matter how true you know it to be.
+                 But why
+must all these contradictions claim events
+that mean the most to us? What prevents
+them from taking the unimportant? The small?
+Is the import just to big? Can we not fit all
+of the thing in our heads? Are we too weak?
+Is the life-changing too vast to explore, to seek
+out every corner?
+
Have you considered that your constant seeking
+may be the problem? That your anxieties leaking
+all over may be what's preventing you
+from recognizing what's actually true:
+you can do things for yourself. It's allowed.

+It also doesn't help that there were so many delays.
+The scheduler losing my application, and me counting days
+after those who consulted after me got their dates;
+The mishap of the letters, and me rushing past gates
+and their keepers; countless thoughts of countless regrets —
+regrets which hadn't yet happened — as mom frets
+that maybe I will wind up hating my new body.
+And why not? Why not fret? Surgery! How gaudy.
+I fight with myself enough over how this surgery
+is plastic, how I'm just doing something sugary
+to somehow make myself somewhat more appealing.
+How trite. How selfish. How lame. How revealing
+of my bottomless shallowness.
+
Your saving grace being, as always, dysphoria:
+more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea,
+it provided you with a problem. Something fixable.
+It gave you a tangible solution to something integral
+that plagued you.

+That I had something I could concrete at which to point
+that would be fixed by this act, I could thus annoint
+it as somehow more worthy, something worth doing.
+If I could go through some process of ungluing,
+excise this thing from myself I might become whole
+in some way never before imagined.
+                Ah, but the toll.
+There must always some arbitrary price to pay ---
+Self-actualization must never be free --- and hey,
+Everything in society must come with a reason.
+To come up with letters, proof, for that season
+of change must serve some sort of divine end.
+To wait eighteen long months, to refuse to bend
+to others' whims...
+
You got your letters, you got your date, you did it.
+You did your labor, you did your time. They let you fidget
+and twist in the wind. Hell, they did it to you twice.
+Your letters only good for one year, you had to ask nice
+for a second set.

+Yes.
+   To preempt your 'why', I followed my own advice:
+If I feel the same when I'm depressed as I do when I feel nice,
+It's a thing worth doing. Eighteen months is time enough
+to let at least two depressive cycles call my own bluff.
+When they did not, when I panicked at having to reapply
+and still pulled through in time, well, no need to justify
+my actions any further. That's when it all became real.
+That's when I was in. That's when I could tell just by feel
+that I was ready for this change. I wasn't ready ready,
+but I was ready enough to come off as rock steady
+when I called the surgeon's office. I was visibly confident,
+even at the pre-operative appointments, totally cognizant
+that I didn't deserve this.
+
Whether or not you deserve this is not up for debate.
+Not because you do or don't so much as because the hand fate
+dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means.
+You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens.
+You did this.

+
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/003.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/003.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f55f2f88 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/003.html @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 3 +--- + +
When I am asleep +The world changes around me. +In spring, I am changed.
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/004.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/004.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f22b4ae8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/004.html @@ -0,0 +1,161 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 4 +fit: true +--- + +
There are so many words that could be said
+about the preparation for surgery, all those steps that led
+to that six-thirty AM call. The days of purging.
+The anxiety. The drive. My husband's gentle urging.
+That night in the Airbnb. That last shower with the Hibiclens.
+All that has faded. It's distored at the edge of the lens
+of my memory.
+        No, what remains is the two hours before:
+the being so scared that I was reduced to the barest core.
+There was nothing left of me but fear, not even a name.
+I could still drive — the fear was quiet and tame —
+I could get us to the ambulatory surgery waiting room.
+But beyond that, I was a non-person. Or convict: my doom
+was in their hands.
+
Non-person? Doom? Give yourself at least some credit.
+You still had agency. You still had a choice, could have not let it
+happen. You say of travel that getting you there is their job:
+you felt the same here. You crossed the doorway and let this mob
+of nurses do theirs.

+And that's exactly what happened. I crossed that threshold,
+and then there I was: a patient before a team ready to handhold.
+At that point, I was no longer bearing all that weight.
+I was able to relax and let them guide me, a piece of freight
+working through a system. I even had a barcode to scan.
+Some gabapentin. My belongings in a bag. A rundown of the plan.
+An IV, and a second after the first missed. Meet the surgeon,
+then the anaesthesiologist.
+             I felt myself then a virgin.
+I was at this point being prepared for some strange sacrifice,
+a process of pain and cutting, of rebirth. A cut, a slice,
+and I would become something more...what? Mature? More complete?
+Where I'd never put stock in virginity before — so obsolete —
+it fits well, now.
+
It's the penetration. It's the being opened up. The breach in tegument.
+There is change implied in the loss of virginity. Something elegant,
+something beyond just the physical. Maybe it's maturity,
+maybe it's a coming of age, or even some strange aspect of purity.
+It's a one-way change

+That no-going-back-ness grew stronger and stronger,
+and the minutes just seemed to go longer and longer,
+as I got closer and closer to the fateful moment of change.
+I was laid on my back. I wwas wheeled to the OR. "How strange,"
+I thought. "That I'll never know where this room actually is.
+I'm wheeled here on my back, the surgeon does his biz,
+and I'll wake up in post-op." To this day, I have no idea.
+Did all of my friends go through this? Did Katt? Did Lutea?
+Were we all whisked away to some dreamside room
+where we would be changed? Some strange, perhaps-tomb?
+After all, this surgery, this procedue, none of this was riskless.
+Would this be where we died? Would we pass here, resistless,
+in the depths of anaesthesia?
+
Was that really such a worry?
+               I mean, I suppose it had to have been.
+You spent all that time polishing your will. How could you begin
+to deny the death-thoughts inherent in a nine-hour surgery?
+That you didn't still leaves you feeling like you're living a forgery
+of a life.

+But then I was in. I was in that room with surprisingly green walls.
+The nurses dropped me off, and from down those hidden halls
+came surgeon, anaesthesiologist, what seemed like dozens of people.
+"Here, hold this over your face," someone said as a needle
+wandered into my IV's injection port. "It's just oxygen."
+My hand began to slip. Oxygen? Some sort of intoxicant?
+They laughed, repeated, "No no, you have to hold it up."
+Perhaps it was O2, but whatever was injected began to interrupt
+any train of thought. The jazz music they'd put on, at my request,
+was overwhelmed by static. My vision followed. Silence: blessed.
+Speed: surprising. Is this death? A rush of nothing. Is this death?
+Nothing.
+    Nothing. Nothing. Is this death?
+                  Nothing. Is this death?
+Silence, static.
+
    Was this death?
+Nothing.        Nothing, death?     nothing
+                    Nothing,
+
+                             Nothing.
+
+    Was this death?
+Death?         Nothing.
+
+                          Death? Nothing.
+                 There was nothing.
+
+
+Silence.
+
+    Static.
+
+
+        Nothing.
+
+
+
+                  Death.
+
+
+              Death.
+
+
+                       Silence.
+
+                           Death.
+        Silence.
+
+
+    Static.
+
+
+
+
+
+Static.         Static.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                Death, static.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                         Death.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+And then you woke up.
+
+
+
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/005.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/005.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0c455c33 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/005.html @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 5 +--- + +
I'm no good at images, only words, +and yet for days after surgery, +as anesthesia and countless +  milligrams, milliliters, millions of +drugs leave my system, +I'm lousy with visions, +each lousy with meaning. + +I lay in bed, unable to move, +struggling to keep my eyes open; +I know that if I close them, +  I'll be lost, I'll be lost, I'll be +mired in waking dreams, +coherent visions with all the logic +of that paler side of consciousness. + +Perhaps the veil here +is still too thin and vague, +the pool too clear, the monsters too scary +  too lean, too mean, too hungry, or +perhaps I was too close to death +to come away totally unscathed, +too close to completely survive. + +  It's as though, laying here, +  stinking of hospital, +  I'm seeing emotions play out, +    Scene after scene, scene after scene, +  anxiety shown in heaps of discarded entrails, +  hope in the ceaseless ratcheting of gears, +  determination in the marching of feet. + +If I were an artist, perhaps +I could hope to touch these images, +but as it is, every word falls short, +  too vague, too inexact, too tight to +hope to explain something so vast +by the very act of attempting to reproduce; +I can only hint from the margins. + +That poetry can accomplish what prose cannot +in its economy of motion +is attractive to me, here in recovery - +  so tired, so tired, so tired - so +maybe I can hope to express the dire import +of these visions dancing behind closed lids, +or at least remind myself on rereading. + +Even now, a week out, +I'm starting to lose touch with the visions, +I can almost touch them if I squint, +  lie real still, don't move now, but +even then, a shadow of the substance... +I'm starting to consign to memory +that which was probably memory to begin with.
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/006.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/006.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dac06b6b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/006.html @@ -0,0 +1,79 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 6 +fit: true +--- + +
And then I woke up, and I was in the post-op recovery room.
+Disoriented, loopy, giggly, not yet in pain --- a small boon.
+There was the nurse, and there was JD. How long had he been there?
+After some indeterminate time, I was wheeled...somewhere.
+Yet more anonymous halls. Yet more competent nurses.
+Language was not yet wholly available to me, no verses
+yet to be had, despite the heady sensation of the opiate
+coursing through me; only giggles, however inappropriate,
+every time we went over a bump or up a ramp.
+And then I was in my room.
+            Me. A bed. My IV. A lamp.
+Square. Spacious. A bathroom I could not yet walk to.
+Hourly vitals. Friendly staff wandering through to talk to.
+And a button in my hand.
+
That button, which you were instructed to press
+every seven minutes. A morphine drip, or dilaudid, at a guess.
+Every seven minutes, a bit of nightmare dripped into your veins.
+Every seven minutes, more entrails, more gears, more chains
+coursing through your mind.

+There was pain, too, and the drip did indeed lessen that.
+Still, the pain grew less, and soon I switched meds to combat
+that ebbing tide. Tylenol. Hydrocodone. The button was removed.
+Pills. Pills. Every four hours: pills. I complain, but improved
+nonetheless. Antibiotics. Stool softeners. Painkillers.
+The nurses wandering in and out became my tillers:
+They steered my days, steered my pain, steered my diet.
+We talked. We laughed. We shared private jokes in the quiet
+of the night over BP cuffs. They helped with bedpan duty,
+thankless though it was. Another patient would cry, flutey,
+and they'd hurry off. I remember none of their names.
+Every now and then, when he made it down to Portland, James
+would visit, perhaps spend the night.
+
Your laptop unweildy, you spent most of your time on your phone.
+Even when no one was there, you were never quite alone.
+Hours on Taps. Hours on Telegram. Five long days on your back,
+and you, a side sleeper! Anything and everything to distract
+from that fact.

+It wasn't all monotony. The surgeon came in to check on me.
+They removed my dressing, and then my packing, setting me free,
+stepwise, from confinement. The last day was the biggest of all:
+The packing, catheter, and drains were removed. I tried to crawl
+from bed, found myself on the verge of collapse. I showered
+and saw my body changed. They measured my urine. Nurses glowered
+at how little. They threatened to put the catheter back.
+Embarrassed, I defecated, then tried again. Now on track,
+I was finally discharged. It was then that I finally saw,
+from my wheelchair, the hitherto only hinted at hall
+outside my door. It was somehow still unreal to me.
+Or perhaps I was simply to eager to finally be free
+from the room.
+
Undiluted sunlight while you waited on JD to get the car
+hurt your eyes. You could still barely stand, afraid to jar
+your new body in your dizziness. Almost more overwhelming
+than the hours before the surgery was you helming
+your dissociating self.

+All the way to the B&B, crossing that street, getting settled,
+I was nothing. I was not myself. I was soft, bepetaled.
+I was new. I was raw. Cliché, sure, but I was a flower
+newly sprouted. Under anaesthesia, I ceased to tower
+over the earth and instead became one with it. Or my dream
+finally became reality and I had become a tree, the theme
+of growth omnipresent within me. It was too much, too much.
+So I slept. I waited for Robin to join me, just to clutch
+at things familiar. Something to anchor past me to the present.
+I had become a tree, had grown, and sure, it was pleasant,
+but all the same, I still needed something to keep me grounded.
+I needed to not be completely unmoored, to not be unbounded.
+But it was done.
+
It was done. It was complete. You'd started taking action,
+and kept on taking steps until you were there, beyond abstraction.
+This was concrete. This was real. This was true. You were true.
+You weren't false before, but all the same, now that you were new,
+you were more true now
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/007.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/007.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..85e02b0f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/007.html @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 7 +--- + +
It is two hundred miles between what I expect and what I want. +Two hundred long strides that seem impassible from one direction, + and from the other a day's short drive. + +It is nine and a half hours between question and answer. +A half hour of jazz, nine hours of sleep, a scant second of perspective, + and I can only traverse in one direction + +It is eleven inches between who I was and who I am. +Ten of those inches are pain, the eleventh is numb, + There's pleasure to be had in there, I'm promised. + +It is twelve years between what I want and what I get: +Ten years of remembering who I will become, two years running, + Eight days dreaming.
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/008.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/008.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..06d0a30f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/008.html @@ -0,0 +1,79 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 8 +fit: true +--- + +
What can I say of healing? Of life after change?
+I got used to it, bit by bit. I slowly learned my range,
+the extent of my new body. Proprioception caught up immediately,
+and there were no phantom sensations, and the immediacy
+was startling at first, but I got used to it, to my new form.
+Over the next weeks and months, I slowly learned my new norm.
+I learned by regaining feeling. I learned with every muscular flex.
+I learned by dilating. I learned by masturbating. I learned by sex.
+While I refused to let my happiness hinge on such a thing,
+a part of me hoped it'd make me more comfortable get in the swing
+of sex, and while it helped, I still was still largely okay without.
+My body was still my own. Whole and entire. My life played out,
+and I became more myself.
+
This isn't going how you pictured it, this bit of writing.
+You were going to talk more about healing, about fighting
+for permission to change, about your $76,000 bill.
+And here you talk of trees and growth. Did you not get your fill?
+Do you still need this outlet?

+Apparently.
+      Apparently I still need to revel in the newness.
+Apparently, what I need out of this project isn't the trueness
+of the concrete. We should really have expected nothing less.
+This is a project to dig for truth, a project to confess.
+It is not a project for describing stitches stabbing me in the clit.
+It is not for telling about each successive dilator testing the fit
+of my new depths. Could I have gone into that? Yes. Perhaps.
+Perhaps I still will. Later. For now, I still need to run laps,
+to circle around some dark core and discern its edges.
+Perhaps if I know that shape, if I peek over enough hedges,
+I'll somehow know myself better. I don't know. It feels unlikely.
+Maybe there is no knowing the self. Still, I have to try, rightly
+or not.
+
Fair enough. Still, at some point, discuss the concrete.
+So many have asked you to, and perhaps you'd feel complete.
+Perhaps that, too, would be of use to you. Not everything demands
+such thorough introspection. Not everything fits in the wetlands
+of your subconscious

+Of course not. I know this. You know I know this.
+I'm not deflecting, just focusing on this part of the abyss.
+The concrete aspects are for writing with clarity,
+not with verse. They're for writing with the sincerity
+borne of experience, so that perhaps others can benefit.
+Of this, only I need benefit. There is an etiquette
+to writing for others. Here, there is only an ally.
+This is for me and you. Your role is to hear my lie,
+to call it out, to force me to correct myself, my words.
+My role is to keep on writing, be it about surgery or birds,
+and to learn from our discussions. To learn? To suffer?
+Perhaps more the latter. To hurt, and grow tougher
+by hurting.
+
You have been called on that, yes, writing to suffer.
+And it's not wrong. You sit at your laptop and fill the buffer
+with sentences and lines and paragraphs of memories and pain.
+Do you really grow tougher? Is it masochisim, or do you gain
+real insight from this?

+I think I do. It's therapeutic to try and understand myself better.
+is it not? With every paragraph and line and word and letter,
+I think I reduce the borders of that abyss. Or if not reduce,
+I spraypaint a red line five feet from them, so that I can deduce
+my roughest edges. I'm often say that it's easy to discern boundaries
+by crossing them. I've crossed them here, with you. Foundries
+of thought and emotion are within me, ceaselessly toiling.
+I want to tour them all. I want to see them boiling.
+I feel them. I house them. I smell them and taste them.
+I just also want to understand them. There's no chaste hem
+to the subconscious, so I have to map it, map these crude sources.
+Then I can experience thisness --- I hope --- when buffeted by forces
+internal.
+
If you say so, I suppose. Do you think it'll work, though?
+Aren't such works unknowable by definition? They grow,
+they wane. You can sense them by their effects and emissions,
+but isn't seeing them, truly seeing, knowing their positions,
+reserved for dreams?
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/009.html b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/009.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3fa6365c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/009.html @@ -0,0 +1,53 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +weight: 9 +--- + +
What have you changed? + My mind +What changed you? + Nothing +What became of it? + I am not who I was + +What have you changed? + My name +What changed you? + The word +What became of it? + I am called who I am + +What have you changed? + My looks +What changed you? + The light +What became of it? + I am seen as I am + +What have you changed? + My chemistry +What changed you? + The substance +What became of it? + My form is my own + +What have you changed? + My body +What changed you? + The knife +What became of it? + I am shaped how I am + +What have you changed? + Nothing +What changed you? + I was accepted +What became of it? + I accepted myself + +What have you changed? + Everything +What changed you? + Everything +What became of it? + I became who I am
diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/010.md b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/010.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..02586f3b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-22 +weight: 10 +--- + +> Why verse? + +Surgery was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. + +> So? + +Why should this section then be easy to write? diff --git a/writing/ally/gender/surgery/_index.md b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f2544d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/gender/surgery/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +--- +type: serial +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/jay/01.md b/writing/ally/jay/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4ccf67c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/jay/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 1 +--- + +Mom and Jay got married when I was in elementary school. Fourth grade, maybe? It's a bit hazy. + +> Life began in high school, remember? + +Life began when I came out, I suppose. Or maybe when I ran away. Life began when I started to assert ownership over it. + +> Who owned it before? + +I thought my dad did. My dad and Jay, and they let my mom borrow me. + +> What did you own. + +Many gifts. A few hobbies. Later, an internet connection. diff --git a/writing/ally/jay/02.md b/writing/ally/jay/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eb12cf1f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/jay/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 2 +--- + +Jay was a photographer. An artist. A true, honest, dyed-in-the-wool artist. + +> You looked up to him. Part of you wanted to be him. He could run a photography business funded by his day job of being a newspaper photographer. You thought of him when you changed your major to music. + +Did I? I was terrified of him. + +> Are they so different? 'Awe', as a word, is not always a positive one. + +He took a picture of his son from a prior marriage that I still remember. Zach was shirtless, covered in mud that had started to dry and crack. He was looking down and to the left. He was holding something...a sunflower, maybe? He had ram horns. The colors were muted...was it black and white? Or was it just the mud? + +I think I wanted to be that. Not Zach, necessarily. but I wanted to be that picture. I wanted to be a son that was loved like that. I wanted to be something as magical as that felt. + +> You also wanted to be the Phantom from Phantom of the Opera. Raoul was the bad guy, and you danced with your 'Christine', Sarah Trowbridge, after school in front of your parents on the balance beam. + +I desperately craved being an artist. I drew endlessly. I played the saxophone, and sometimes I even liked it. I wrote music. My first song in third or fourth grade. + +Maybe I did look up to him. He pulled it off. + +> Until he didn't. + +Right. When my mom told me to get in touch with him a decade and a half after the divorce, he owned a feed store down the block from me. + +He left The Rocky Mountain News as lead photographer or something to pursue a job in 3D art. He bought Bryce 3D. He brought Lightwave. He spent a year learning Lightwave, and when the next version came out, he bought that and said it would take time to learn. + +By that point, mom had been supporting all of us --- herself, him, me, my step-brother and two step-sisters --- for a year. She confided in me later that she had lost half a million dollars by the end of the relationship. + +I didn't remember that folly. I majored in music and thought, "Ah, yes, I can get a job doing library music or teaching choir while I work on my compositions" but forgot how lucky he was when I met him. + +> You remembered and raced to teach yourself programming. + +*You* remembered, maybe. I'd like to think of myself as a bit of a dreamer, even still. + +> Thus you, 1:19 AM on a Tuesday, gritting your teeth and trying not to write about mania. diff --git a/writing/ally/jay/03.md b/writing/ally/jay/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4406db83 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/jay/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 3 +--- + +Our punishment --- my step-siblings and I --- was time-out. Jay had an old church pew rescued from some church in New Mexico that he'd painted a grayish sky blue. "Go sit on the bench," he'd tell us. "Half an hour." + +> You measured it with your fingers. You'd judge the width of the plank you sat on by pinching it. Three inches? Four? You'd lay your length on it and count how many Matts it took from one end to another. + +It was a perfect punishment. My dad lamented once that he couldn't send me to my room as a punishment because I'd happily sit in there for hours on end. + +> You'd be away from him. That's a reward. + +I hadn't thought of it that way. + +The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table, and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends. + +When he started taking up martial arts, he brought Zach and I with him. He thought...well, I don't know what he thought. That it would make us men? That it would teach us to defend ourselves? + +In the end, it turned into its own means of punishment. He'd grapple with us. He'd grab me by the front of my shirt and slam me into the cabinets. It was just play, right? Just studying up for the next session, right? + +> Maybe he wanted to hit you from the start. Maybe that's why he got into karate. + +I think part of him did, yeah. I think part of him would rather our punishments would make him feel better at the same time. It took me a while to think of it that way, though. It took me a while to think of it as abuse. + +> It took you no longer being afraid of him. It took you telling your mom that, no, you wouldn't go see him at his feed store in Loveland. It took you until then to think of it as anything other than you not being man enough. + +I'm still afraid of him. Maybe it just took me admitting that. diff --git a/writing/ally/jay/04.md b/writing/ally/jay/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7214a8af --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/jay/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 4 +--- + +When I came out, I did so by leaving a book of stories from gay youth on top of my mom's reading pile right before taking the bus down to visit my dad for the night. She called me after dinner and asked me if the book meant what she thought it did. + +> Did you ever tell --- really tell, with words and everything --- any of your family you were gay? Or trans? + +Twice. It was awful. + +She must have told him at some point. Within a week, he told my mom I had to tell Zach that I was gay, too. He left the house on a run and made my mom stand in the kitchen with me to make me say, "Zach, I'm gay." + +He just said, "Oh, okay", and kept pouring his Kix. + +> And then he stopped talking to you. + +Beside the point. + +After I came out, Jay changed. He got mean-- + +> "Got", she says. + +Do you fear him, then? + +> Mu. + +Fair enough. + +He got mean. That's when he got physical. That's when his anger got hot. + +He started reading my emails. He found some reply notifications to some posts on a forum, where kids were talking about puberty. As kids do, there was some dick-size comparing. He read that aloud in front of my mom and mocked me for my answer. I had said seven inches. It was generous, sure, but keep in mind, I was way underweight at the time-- + +> And him rather overweight. + +--and the skinnier you are, the less padding you have around the base of your penis. + +> We're getting off topic. + +Are we? I was starting to own my body. I was starting to find things that I felt I could feel proud about. I was starting to form relationships. Puberty was in full swing and I was realizing that there were people my age like me who would find me attractive. + +And he took that and he humiliated me for it. + +> Let's talk about kink. + +Let's fucking not. diff --git a/writing/ally/jay/05.md b/writing/ally/jay/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0f093b5a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/jay/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 5 +--- + +My mom and I got in the habit of going to the dog part after work. We'd pick up Hank, our golden lad, and Chelsea, our Phyllis-Diller-slash-Yoda mutt, and drive across town to a field dedicated to letting dogs frolic with each other. + +We'd play with other dogs. We'd through tennis ball after slobbery tennis ball. We got to know the other owners, mostly as "oh, you're Sandy's owner". + +> Or "oh, you're Zephyr's owner". You stole your own dog's name from some random aussie shepherd at the dog park. + +It was a meaningful period of my life. Is there some reason that wouldn't make a big impact on me? + +> It was Zephyr or Samuel. Even you knew what you wanted. You had him already named in your mind. + +And mom and I would talk. We'd walk the perimeter or, on hot days, sit at the lone picnic table under the lone tree and talk. + +I was sitting on the table itself, feet on the bench, and she was sitting next to me, when she said, "I think I'm going to get divorced from Jay. Is it alright if I use his reaction to you coming out as the reason?" + +> And you thought, "I must be the luckiest boy in the world, being able to say that I knew my parents' divorce was your fault." + +She told me how much money she had lost, and how he had changed even before I came out. I think that's when I realized that she might be a friend as well as a mother. + +> Gag. + +I know. I tried typing that eight different ways, and no matter what, it sounds like a Care Bears thing or whatever. + +> Back to the lilac-scented word, please. + +Gladly. diff --git a/writing/ally/jay/06.md b/writing/ally/jay/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6953c1bc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/jay/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 6 +--- + +Between when the divorce was decided and when we were supposed to move out to the townhouse my mom had purchased, mom adopted a dog. Helen had clearly been feral rather than a surrender, because she was impossible. She didn't know how to act around dogs. She didn't know how to act around people. She didn't know how to act indoors. She didn't know how to act outside. + +> She didn't know how to act around you, so you hid from her. + +She didn't know how to act around Jay, either, to be fair. One night, three days before we were supposed to move out, mom was sleeping on the couch downstairs, and Jay came down from the master bedroom to have the last word in one argument or another, and Helen raced up to greet him, nailing him right in the nuts with her paw. + +Do you laugh? + +> Not my department. + +It took my mom and I a while to laugh about that. It's the type of story that usually gets a laugh, right? Nut-shots? + +> Hollywood decrees it must be so. + +Maybe my mom smiled when she woke me to tell me we had to move out immediately. It was Sunday. We moved all we could to the townhouse in my mom's Honda Civic and slept on newly-purchased air mattresses. Mine kept going flat. + +> Your mom would soon learn that she had rheumatoid arthritis. You complained to her about that in the morning, and she stayed quiet about how much pain she must have been in. + +The next day at school was nigh intolerable. + +> And yet you felt free. + +And yet I felt free. diff --git a/writing/ally/jay/_index.md b/writing/ally/jay/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..98b67045 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/jay/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#edf' +color: '#228' +quote: '#44a' +back: /poly +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/koan/01.md b/writing/ally/koan/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c8b5bd4f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/koan/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 1 +--- + +A friend asked Maddy: what is the importance of tension? + +Maddy said: I don't know + +The friend looked sad and went away. + +When the friend came back, they asked: what is the importance of tension? + +Maddy said: I know- + +But the friend cut her off angrily and left in a huff. + +Later, the friend asked Maddy: what is the importance of tension? + +Maddy said: I know: I don't know + +Then they sat and chatted over a cup of tea. + + diff --git a/writing/ally/koan/02.md b/writing/ally/koan/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..84caa2e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/koan/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 2 +--- + +A friend asked Maddy: why do you drink tea? + +Maddy said: I like it. It's tasty, it makes me feel good. + +The friend said: well that's dumb. + +Maddy went and drank tea. + +The friend asked: why do you drink tea? + +Maddy said: I don't know. + +The friend said: well that's dumb. + +Maddy went and drank tea. + +The friend asked: why do you drink tea? + +Maddy said: I like it. It's tasty, it makes me feel good. + +The friend laughed and clapped delightedly, and said: perfect + +Then sat to drink tea with Maddy. + + diff --git a/writing/ally/koan/03.md b/writing/ally/koan/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9dcaa171 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/koan/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 3 +--- + +A friend asked Maddy: why are you coating yourself with grease? + +Maddy said: so that when I run through a field, no dirt will stick to me, and I won't get poked by thorns. + +Maddy ran through the field, and wound up covered in dirt and scratches. + +The friend said: better to not run. + + diff --git a/writing/ally/koan/04.md b/writing/ally/koan/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ea03eed2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/koan/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 4 +--- + +Maddy built a sand castle and it was washed away. + +The first friend was sad about the sand castle for Maddy, and said: better to not build the sand castle and risk further sorrow. + +The second friend said this was good, because Maddy saw adversity and built the castle anyway. + +The third said this was good because Maddy was able to acknowledge the castle and let it pass. + +A fourth said: better to have never built the castle. The sand is itself, the wave is itself, and Maddy remains. + +The fifth was helping build a bigger, better sand castle. + + diff --git a/writing/ally/koan/05.md b/writing/ally/koan/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ca44a50b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/koan/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 5 +--- + +A friend asked Maddy: why are you nailing boards together? + +Maddy said: I'm building a house to live in. + +When the friend came back later, there was an awkward jumble of sticks nailed together on the ground. They said: well that was dumb. + +Some time later, the friend visited Maddy and asked: why are you frowning? + +Maddy said: I paid someone to build me a house, but it's round, upside down, and a mile to the east of where it should be. + +The friend shrugged and said: well that was dumb + +Some time later, the friend visited Maddy and found her reading on the front porch of a cozy home. They said: did you build this? + +Maddy said: no, but I did my part. + +The friend laughed and sat down next to Maddy to read with her. + + diff --git a/writing/ally/koan/06.md b/writing/ally/koan/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f1979f75 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/koan/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-14 +weight: 6 +--- + +> Are you having fun? + +Yes. + +> You know that I'm not the friend, right? + +I do. + +> Carry on. + +No, I'm finished for now. diff --git a/writing/ally/koan/_index.md b/writing/ally/koan/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b5b5a21b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/koan/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#1f183a' +color: '#ccd' +quote: '#eef' +pulse_light: true +back: /furry +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/01.md b/writing/ally/liminal/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cf4f3ab9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 30 +--- + +> If Matthew died on September 6th, 2012, was Madison born then? + +No, I don't think so. Madison was born some years later. Maybe at some point in 2014. The years in between were a sort of liminal time. + +> You found yourself in a place between. + +I did. There was this time in my life when I was figuring out gender. I was figuring out poly. I was figuring out working. I was figuring out not being at school and moving away from music and learning to write and all the interstices of alcoholism. Those little nooks and crannies you never know about until you start drinking in earnest. + +It was like a second period of growing up. Something more refined than a rebirth. Something less grand. Something subtler. + +> You also learned the term 'hendiatris'. + +I have a style, alright? + +> Right. + +It's the time when I started [a][s], the time when I started to look at my life in earnest, to give thought to the fact that one might actually enjoy things, have opinions. It was the time I started to let go of irony, bit by bit. + +> It was the time you started to own yourself. + +Maybe. Maybe not. I'm still working on that one. It feels like an ongoing struggle. + +> What's the old saw? You'll finally perfect it six months after death? + +I think that was about when men leave puberty. + +> Let's talk about TIASAP. + +No more, please. + +> Let's talk about puberty. + +That first exploration? I don't know if I'm ready for that, yet. + +> So what **are** you talking about? + +Well, I was going to talk about that liminal phase, but you seem to have other ideas. + +> That just means you're unfocused. + +Well, yes. + +> Tell me about that place in between, then. diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/02.md b/writing/ally/liminal/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..40aeb71f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-19 +weight: 31 +--- + +Shortly after we learned that Margaras died-- + +> Less than twenty-four hours. That's pretty short. + +--I wound up in Montreal on the first of many work 'sprints'. These were to become a common fixture for the next six years. After all, working from home only gets you so far. Gotta get together, actually learn how the others on your team work. Meet. + +> You had just started at Canonical. Are you sure that wasn't the death of Matthew? Or maybe it was getting married? Creating Younes? + +Matthew was sick for a while. Can we put it that way? He was struggling to hold on, his time was at an end, he was looking rather pale. + +> He was fading. + +Yes. + +> And Madison faded in in 2014. + +I was a transparent person. I was less than real. I was empty, unable to contain an identity. I was a fetch. I was held together with Blu-Tack and paperclips. I was not myself. + +> Are you now? + +Held together with Blu-Tack? I like to think I'm moderately better put together these days. + +> No, yourself. Are you yourself yet? + +Six months after death, remember? + +> Fair. What did you do during your two years as a half-entity? + +Failed. Like, a lot. I failed like it was my job. I failed friends when we moved to Loveland and effectively disappeared from their lives. I failed work when I burned so hard that I burnt out. I failed at communicating. I failed in a lot of ways. + +I drank, too. I stopped composing. + +> Was it so negative a time? + +No, of course not. I'm still here. A lot of that failure was the valuable sort. I failed my years at university when I stopped composing, but found that I could still be creative when writing. I failed work when I burned out, but I also learned how to pace myself better (something I definitely hadn't learned up until that point). I learned how to talk, how to listen. At least, how to listen better, how to express myself better. + +There's a lot of folks to whom I could credit those being successful failures, if there is such a thing. In a round about way, my boss from the job prior kicking my ass and making me go to therapy, even if not to the ideal therapist, set me on the path to learning how to slow down when I needed to and speed up when that was called for. Writing got me better at putting my ideas --- and, at times, emotions --- into words. Friends, countless friends, helped me become who I am. + +> What's that I'm tasting? Sweet'n Low? + +Is it really that saccharine to be able to look back and say that you sucked, and that you're getting better? + +
She wears a pendant of stamped brass + Saying "Non sum qualis eram."
+ +Like, obviously, it sucks to get that regretrospect feeling of looking back and realizing that you were a terrible person, but it's also a good sign that you've improved. If you don't like who you were, at least it's good that you're not that, now. + +> Unless you don't like who you are now. + +That's a different problem. Same class of problem, maybe, but a different problem. diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/03.md b/writing/ally/liminal/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..14139ed0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 32 +--- + +> Was it really so bad to be in this liminal space? + +Of course not. I just got done saying how much I learned during that time. + +> You don't make it sound pleasant. + +It wasn't, I suppose. I mean, obviously there was a lot of good going on in my life. I started a few relationships that are still going strong to this day. I solidified my place in the industry. [a][s] took off. Good stuff came of it. A better me came of it. + +> At what cost? + +Well. + +Okay. A lot of that time was bound up in recovery. There was the suicide attempt in March that ate up a lot of my emotional bandwidth on a daily basis for quite a while. + +There are a lot of cute metaphors for how pain and grief work on a daily basis. Spoon theory is great and all, but it's starting to lose its luster for me. I like the idea of spell slots. It was like the number of spell slots I had to work with before needing a long rest was reduced by half after that, and it took me two years at least to bring it back up. + +> You remain a parody of yourself. + +It's only been a few days since you reminded me of that. + +> I will never cease to do so. + +Fine. + +Another metaphor is that you have a box with a ball in it. On the wall of the box is a button that causes pain, exhaustion, anxiety, your choice. When it starts out, the ball is big and with basically every movement, it bumps up against the button and activates it. Over time, the ball gets smaller and bumps up against the switch less often. + +Or maybe you could think of it as endurance. You can hold a glass of water for a few minutes, but after a bit, it becomes painful, and after along time, your arm can start to feel paralyzed. Over time and with training, you might be able to endure that longer and longer. + +The last two, in particular, are used often with the idea of grief in mind, which, I suppose, is fitting given how much I still bear over Margaras. + +> Do you feel any for Matthew? + +Less, perhaps. + +> Was it that easy to let go? + +I don't know. Maybe. diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/04.html b/writing/ally/liminal/04.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..44693c0e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/04.html @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 33 +--- + +
+                    ( ... )
+                  O
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+____|____|____|____|__
+
+ + diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/05.md b/writing/ally/liminal/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8d64020e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,80 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 34 +--- + +> And so when was Madison born? + +On, September 2, 2014, I got this email: + +``` +I recently discovered your Twitter page and I wasn't sure if I should say something or not. When I saw that you are stressing out about telling me about your name change I thought I'd better 'fess up. + +I love the name "Madison". It may take me a while to get used to calling you by your new name so forgive me if I make a mistake. Madison, whatever direction your life takes you, I'll accept you, support you and love you unconditionally. Please don't stress out about my reaction. + +See you Friday. + +Hugs, +Mom +``` + +And, two days later: + +``` +Hey Madison, + +Maybe I shouldn't have opened up to you about seeing your Twitter thingy. I felt like I was being dishonest by not saying anything but it looks like you are really, really anxious about knowing that I've seen it. Yikes! + +Are you OK with me visiting tomorrow? I'd love to see you but I don't want to add to your anxiety any more than I already have. Let me know if you have enough spoons. + +Love, +Mom +``` + +> Did you not want her to come up? + +No, I did. I told her: + +``` +Mom, + +I'm anxious, but please come up tomorrow. I think I need that more than anything right now. + +~M +``` + +That's when I was born. September 4, 2014 at 3:18 PM. Madison Scott-Clary, 230 pounds, 73 inches. + +> You were born when you could own yourself. + +Yes. I was born when I could share that with my mom. It was all well and good for me to be out on Twitter and what not, and it was great that JD could accept me, but the fact that I could start to regain my biological family without any lies in the way was when I opened my eyes for the first time. + +> How was the visit? + +I don't know. I don't remember. I think it was fine. We talked about me starting hormones-- + +> Did you talk about TIASAP? + +*No.* + +No, we did not. If she's reading this, which she may very well be, this will be how she learns about that. + +How could I possibly talk to my mom about something like that? I hid my arms and legs from her for years before, and it wouldn't be for another year before I could even bring up the concept of self-harm. + +> That's not true. + +I...well, no, it's not. + +> Let's talk about suicide. + +Not yet. + +Please. + +> Why not? + +I'd like it to be a cohesive thing. I'd like to be able to think about it on its own, none of this coming at it sideways. I'd like to be deliberate about it. + +> Soon. + +Yes, soon. diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/06.md b/writing/ally/liminal/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..069fa7ea --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 35 +--- + +Telling dad was the second time I came out to family deliberately. + +> The third. + +Third? + +> You told Aunt Patty that you were gay back before high school. + +I...did not remember that. + +> Not until just now, apparently. + +Apparently. I have no recollection of what I said. I have no recollection of what *she* said. + +I have no recollection of her. + +> Hazy images at grandma's. + +I guess. + +> Memories surrounding her. + +Lots of those. + +> Memories of when she and her family got stranded on a sailboat between Cuba and Florida and rescued by a cruise ship. Grandma and dad smug in their assessment that she was stupid and irresponsible. + +A vague, heavily pixelated picture shot by one of the cruise boat attendants. + +> "She's crazy," they said. "She has too many kids. They draw all over the walls. Her house is wild. She's crazy." + +And me, with with my secret. My little pet lie I kept hidden from them. + +> Tell me about coming out to dad. + +I will. diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/07.md b/writing/ally/liminal/07.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a316c9f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/07.md @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 36 +--- + +Coming out to myself and JD was more gradual. A sea-change. + +> Maybe that's what those two years were between Matthew and Madison were. + +
Nothing of him that doth fade, +but doth suffer a sea-change +into something rich and strange.
+ +I suppose so. I explored around the edges of it. I touched it tentatively. I lived my life in widening circles. + +> Surely you mean narrowing. + +Okay, yes. It was too good a line to pass up, though. Shakespeare *and* Rilke in one go? + +> There is nothing new under the sun. + +Ooh, and Ecclasiastes, you spoil me. + +> Treat, as they say, yourself. Carry on. + +There were little fits and starts between James and I. I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against that me that wasn't in focus. It brought it to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself, that there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself. + +Is there some word for ecstasy that doesn't imply it being positive? Something that captures the feeling of being outside oneself, beside oneself, behind oneself without implying the sense of greatness, of awe that goes along with spiritual *ekstasis*? + +> Dissociation? + +Yeah. + +That. + +That little bit of panic-colored dissociation that I would later name dysphoria would come in waves. Sometimes it'd be triggered, as it was then. Sometimes it would fade slowly into view and I'd go on a tear making skirts and then it would fade back into the low background static of the anxiety that goes along with being a member of a minority identity group. + +> There **was** ecstasy, though. There was euphoria as well as dysphoria. + +Yes. + +The moment when my hair got long enough to put up in a ponytail. + +The utter terror of shaving my legs for the first time, weird as it sounds. Outrageously stupid, and yet the feeling of *having* shaved legs was incredibly validating. + +The first time I looked in the mirror and saw the trace of femininity. + +The softening of skin. + +The first "she" on the street. + +The first "ma'am" on the phone. + +Hell, the first time dressing feminine. + +> What, back when you were nine? When you snuck into the spare room and tried on one of Julie's dresses? + +Holy *shit* could you just *shut up*. + +> Wow, touched a nerve, there. + +We will talk about that later. diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/08.md b/writing/ally/liminal/08.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d0828a29 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/08.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 37 +--- + +You know what? No, I take that back. We'll talk about it now. + +> Tell me about the dress. + +It's not even about the dress. diff --git a/writing/ally/liminal/_index.md b/writing/ally/liminal/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f2544d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/liminal/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +--- +type: serial +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/mania/01.md b/writing/ally/mania/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..397cbe1c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/mania/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 1 +--- + +[![1](/manic/1.jpg)](/manic/1.jpg) diff --git a/writing/ally/mania/02.md b/writing/ally/mania/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f3e9d77d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/mania/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 2 +--- + +[![2](/manic/2.jpg)](/manic/2.jpg) diff --git a/writing/ally/mania/03.md b/writing/ally/mania/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..06e0729e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/mania/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 3 +--- + +[![3](/manic/3.jpg)](/manic/3.jpg) diff --git a/writing/ally/mania/04.md b/writing/ally/mania/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8345fae7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/mania/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 4 +--- + +Notes for The Manifesto Project. + +[![4](/manic/4.jpg)](/manic/4.jpg) + +[![4](/manic/6.jpg)](/manic/6.jpg) + +[![4](/manic/7.jpg)](/manic/7.jpg) + +[![4](/manic/8.jpg)](/manic/8.jpg) + +[![4](/manic/5.jpg)](/manic/5.jpg) diff --git a/writing/ally/mania/05.md b/writing/ally/mania/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ef15bdfa --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/mania/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 5 +--- + +[![9](/manic/9.jpg)](/manic/9.jpg) + +[![9](/manic/9.jpg)](/manic/10.jpg) + +[![9](/manic/9.jpg)](/manic/11.jpg) diff --git a/writing/ally/mania/_index.md b/writing/ally/mania/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a156db88 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/mania/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#000' +color: '#ddd' +quote: '#ddd' +pulse_light: true +back: /8 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/001.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1db66400 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 1 +--- + +The Manifesto Project was a short-lived attempt to nail down some beliefs through writing that late in 2007. It was a project borne of hypomania. + +> As are so many of yours. + +And as with so many of mine, it fizzled when the phase passed. Here I was with a half-completed website, uploading half-sense and non-sense, writing with all earnestness about what I believed. + +> Poor benighted fool. + +Anyway, it lives on as an example of the idea of mania as a force, not too dissimilar from gravity, which tugs at the current of one's life. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/002.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..96a9ef8b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 2 +--- + +*History of the matter — One step closer to Ein Sof — Shock and Awe — Coming to terms with being a terrible person* + +I am not writing this for it to be believed, or even seen as a creed — how could I hold that power over anyone? — but simply to explain myself. Read this and take it into account, as only one man’s manifesto. + +When someone recently asked me about my religious beliefs because they were genuinely interested to know, I was at a loss. I think I answered a muttered excuse of being agnostic because God was none of my business. + +Thinking back on it now, this answer is inadequate for a few reasons. For one, my reply was based off the set and setting: this was during a choir tour in South Korea, and not only was most of the choir Christian, but most of the stops on the tour were to Christian churches. Secondly, and due in part to the above, I’m sure our concepts of God differ in many ways. Lastly, born of my haste, I was not completely explicit when I said “none of my business.” + +Now that we are back home and I have time in the evenings to do as I please and study what I will, I will strive to come up with a more complete answer to this rather complex question. A bit of history is certainly in order for this to be complete. I was born in the mid eighties to baby-boomer parents. Both my mother and father were raised by devoutly religious parents — my father was in the Lutheran church, I’m fairly sure, but I don’t know about my mom — though both dropped their religion sometime during their high school or college years and neither have shown much if any inclination towards it since. Rather, both became very strict atheists later in life, my mother in particular. While my dad may have made a comment every now and then about the irrational nature of organized religion, my mom would often go into diatribes about how useless even personal religion was, or how absurd the concept of God is. + +This was my spiritual diet for most of my early years, and it took hold fairly well. I remember visiting my paternal grandmother once when I was nine or so, and following her to church one Sunday. She said that it was a secret, that my dad didn’t want her to bring me along. I was excited for the prospect until a few minutes into the sermon, when it all just became a dull blur to me — I didn’t even get to go up to the front of the hall for communion, and I really, really wanted to try the crackers. + +This was not a positive experience for me, to be sure, and so I wound my way through elementary school proudly calling myself an atheist, after my parents, just as I’m sure many others proudly proclaimed their Christianity or Judaism. It wasn’t until middle school, really, that, with the development of my super-ego, I began to even contemplate anything of a spiritual nature. Of course, at that age and with that background, I lacked the vocabulary necessary to flesh out these contemplations, much less to voice them. Needless to say, my developing moral code was at odds with what I had been taught and had practiced up until that point. + +That’s not to say that I had been taught that murder is alright, or that I had been thieving from an early age. More subtle than that, I began to see my actions at the time and before that in elementary school in a new light. I began to see that my actions and words affected those around me, sometimes in profound ways. The most profound by far was when I ran away from my father. + +Hoping to produce another engineer just like himself and my mother (and we see how far that got), he put a very large emphasis on doing well in school, particularly in math and science. In sixth grade, I moved down to live with him instead of my mom, making the hour’s drive to stay with her every other weekend in a reversal of the previous schedule. In the first quarter of my seventh grade year, however, when I receieved my first ‘F’ on a midterm report card, I panicked and left home before he got back from work, leaving a shattered cosmetics mirror on the table along with the report card, took the quarters in the change jar, and rode my bike to the Wal-Mart nearby. It was October. I was eleven. + +While I shivered and waited for the ideas to come to me behind the dumpsters and A/C units of the Wal-Mart, I reasoned with the screaming of my fledgling conscience: The broken mirror stood for my broken trust in my dad — I did not think that he would not get irrationally angry with me because of my grades. Further, my running away was to be an escape from all of those things and a return to the safety of my own mind and plans. I would ride the bus up to Boulder, where my mom lived, and plan the next step of my escape to safety. + +In reality, the broken mirror and flight from home were both symbolic more of my slowly shattering world-view as center of my own universe than some trust related issue. Or, if they were related to trust, than it was the trust I had previously placed in my own childlike infallibility. This was subconsciously hammered in on that cold night at the bus station and the following several days. + +My mom found me the next morning outside Waldenbooks — she knew me so well — and the rest of the day was filled with tears on everyone’s behalf. Hours were spent on the phone with my dad as he went through my room and tried to sort out what had gone wrong in the situation. The answers I gave were half-truths and evasive comments skirting the issues really at hand, and even some outright lies. The problem I had was a conflict in myself and no words to describe it. I fell, of course, to blame, and claimed that my dad spent too much time at the bar with my step-mom (the bartender). This was a legitimate concern to my parents, though I cherished the time alone, so I used it to escape from the consequences of my actions. + +This all led to me moving back in with my mom to complete my public schooling. This helped, perhaps in ways other than intended: not only was my mom a little more free with me than my dad had been, but Boulder was much more constructive to spiritual growth than Lakewood by far. It was the first step in a long and ongoing journey to figure out my place in the world and finding meaning with this life I’ve found in my possession. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/003.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ef9b14dd --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 3 +--- + +*Common ground — Morbid thoughts — The first taste — Limited application — Take it... — ...and run with it* + +I’ve always been into science fiction, but this was about the time that I started to get into fantasy as well. If you’ve talked about books with me at all, you’ll know that, despite having read a good many others, a few books in particular start coming back again and again after I’ve read them. Some noteables being Garth Nix’s Abhorsen trilogy, Brian Jacques Redwall series, and C. S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia. + +If I were to describe these books as all having the common themes of death, morality, and growth of character, one is not likely to be surprised. However, when all of these common themes begin to expand into other areas of my life, they cease to become just themes and start to become an active interest. These themes began to show in the books I read, the music I’d listen too, the interactions I had, and, most importantly, the silent thoughts I harbored. + +I’ve heard that this stage of life is the time when, for the first time, mortality becomes truly evident and important to the growing mind. If so, then I was left not only with thoughts of mortality, but beyond, and into morbidity. Always affectionate, I would no longer lean on my mother, or hug her for any extended length — if I could feel or hear her heartbeat — I’d refuse to, in most situations. It wasn’t that I was particularly ‘grossed out’ or anything, but more that her mortality was made evident in these situations. While death was a comfortable subject for me in my fantasy worlds at the time, when it related to my mother, I became frightened — particularly at the vividness of my own thoughts. I would start in fearing for her safety, then slip into picturing what I would do if she died, and finally get stuck in a gruesome loop of scenes of gore or emotional trauma resulting from her death. + +Here is where the early hopes and dreams would come into conflict with my upbringing: my fears, plainly, were death and the emotions involved; my hopes were that it wouldn’t happen, or, should it, it would be okay, because the person would live on in some sort of after life. My spiritual upbringing, on the other hand, left no place for the latter, and, while the former was brought up, it was rarely discussed in depth. + +The period in my life with which this coincided was my first discovery of the internet. Though I’m currently nicely addicted to the ’net, I didn’t see much potential in it for myself. At the beginning, when my mom’s house was still on AOL and my dad’s was on Prodigy, I saw it as little more than a library, full of more information than I really needed and far too difficult to search. However, after reading, for the second time, Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha, something prompted me to look up Buddhism. + +My experience with religion so far had been limited to vague ideas that Christians and Jews were just people with funny ideas and enhanced senses of guilt and punishment. Buddhism was, then, “in my mouth as sweet as honey.” (Ezk. 3:3) Here was a religion that really seemed to appeal to me. Contained within it, according to my knowledge, was not only something to do with my free time — meditate — but an assurance of reincarnation — of myself and my loved ones living again. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself passing away, only to wake up, refreshed, as if from a bad dream, out of my former life. + +That I could sum up Buddhism like that is clear evidence of my limited knowledge. Meditation was simply another way for me to draw attention to myself, however (one doesn’t generally meditate in public places, as I did), and I conveniently overlooked the entirety of the rest of the religion. At that stage, Buddhism was a way out of death and into the spotlight for me. I could even be selective about the spotlight: I remember, after having told a friend of mine that I was Buddhist, adding that it was perhaps best if she didn’t bring the topic up around my dad, as he “didn’t need to know yet.” + +To be honest, I had based my entire knowledge of Buddhism off Siddhartha and the movie Little Buddha, along with a website or two and any knowledge drawn from my friends. It really wasn’t until high school that I was informed enough to form real opinions for myself about the religion: selectively snagging bits about reincarnation and Zen from random sources is not the way to gain intelligence, much less wisdom. + +Having learned more about the religion, I can say that there is indeed a lot about it that I find amazing: their tradition is deep and rich, their stories beautiful, and I agree with a lot of what they have to teach. For instance, the Noble Eightfold Path is, I believe, a very robust and comprehensive way to look at life. I disagree, however, with the ‘goal’ of that path, of trying to eliminate suffering and escape into or through Nirvana. Rather, I look at it in a different way. + +The Noble Eightfold Path is a system of eight elements divided into three groups. In the category of Wisdom, there is right (or ideal) view and right intention; in the category of ethical conduct, there is right speech, right action, and right livelihood; and in the category of mental discipline, there is right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. These are posited as a path leading to the cessation of suffering in life through attainment of Nirvana: the ultimate goal in life of obliterating the need to become again — to be reincarnated. Perhaps due to my prior self-conditioning, I disagree with this, or at least agree in a creative way. + +To me, suffering is not something that I should escape from or avoid, but rather something that I feel I should embrace. It isn’t enough that I learn from my suffering, for that relies too much on hindsight, but that I should incorporate that suffering into myself and cherish every bit of it every bit as much as I cherish pleasure. As a consequence, I think this redefines Nirvana from its previous escapism to a perfect synthesis of every part of life into oneself, sort of like raising life to a whole new level. Buddhism outlines the path to this goal in the eight parts of the noble path. By applying each of those parts to every aspect of lie in every instance, we learn the way towards this synthesis, essentially learning how to work with ourselves in this system. + +Looking at Nirvana, seeing that change in definition instead of deletion, I feel that the meaning of “to become again” changes also. Whereas before it meant escaping from the cycle of reincarnation, I think that it now becomes an escape from the previous ignorance, from the ‘lives’ (read: instances of this life) before this one, by becoming something new built off this new synthesis. In this sense, one tastes this sense of Nirvana every time one consciously builds off what they were before. This changes the function of Nirvana from a goal and into a path. + +These concepts still only touch on the very basics of such an old tradition as Buddhism, of course, but I feel that they represent the beginnings of an attempt to bring the ideas and foundations of constructive practices into my own life, also standing as an early attempt to consciously grow into a better person. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/004.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..560b21ae --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 4 +--- + +*First was the word... — Welcome to Sunny DEATH! — An it harm none... — MEAD and Symbols* + +With this early focus on reincarnation as an extension of life, it’s a wonder that I didn’t move into other, more easily digestible spiritualities with a focus on the afterlife (I don’t mean to say that Christianity is simple, far from it, but the language and culture barrier between myself and Buddhism is an obstacle), but my next “step” in my spiritual path was a lot more appealing to me than such things as the Trinity, the idea of sin, and the consequent repentance. To have a self guided faith means that things beyond your current development level are a little harder to take in on any intellectual level beyond blind faith. + +Buddhism did not, obviously, take a firm hold on me after those early explorations and, as it often does with me, my interest in that specific application waned soon after. It wasn’t until a few months later, some time around when high school was getting near, that I found a new outlet for my spiritual needs. As before, this was brought on by a particularly influential book in my life that I read towards the end of my eighth grade year. + +The fantasy genre is rife with magic of various sorts, and it was this, along with the ideas about death that helped me to get into and research earth based religions and paganism in it’s various forms. In Garth Nix’s Sabriel, these two ideas are melded together to form an engaging view of death as a place accessible by magicians and affected by sounds — something that particularly struck a chord with me, as this is when I first started to get into music. Even to this day, I still fantasize that I’ll find a certain pitch or chord that will be particularly powerful over people — this may have been one of my early influences in composition, and has led to my exploration in the uses of the dominant sonority in unexpected or unresolved fashions, since it holds such sway over the western listener. + +The more I thought about this description of Death as a place — a land of nine stages or ‘levels’ with the final stage leading to that final resting place of all souls — the less I was drawn to the idea of reincarnation and the more I started to accept death. I don’t think that, at this point, I was mature enough to embrace death, or even stop fearing it. I had, however, matured enough to understand the finality of it, and to accept that as a truth in life, even as an every day part of it. When people die, they aren’t coming back, not here, or at least not in a recognizable form, going by other traditions. This thought still terrified me, but not to the same extent as before. + +The idea of magic, however, did intrigue me, so I wound up, once more, at the bookstore and on the internet looking up ‘practical’ references to that. This, of course, led me right to paganism, along with other magic- and earth-based spiritualities. Through my friend, co-explorer, and teacher \*\*\*\*, I learned more about these traditions than I would have with just the internet, however, and I have several memories of walking with him along ditches or through the ’mini-forest’ and having nicely mystical experiences with the rich greenery, meandering streams, and climbing over dead foliage. + +I took perhaps less from these religions than from Buddhism, but due to paganism being a less-mainstream religion (and, to be sure, I chose that in part as a sort of ’standard’ rebellion from the main-stream religions), I feel that I did gain a broader perspective of what’s out there, and a more open mind toward different things. A few things in particular stood out to me: at the beginning of my path through these ‘earth-based traditions’, I came across the Wiccan Rede which, paraphrased, states “as long as it harms none, do what you will,” which I feel is a much more important statement than the Thelemic “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.” The first part of the phrase, “an it harm none,” is a very important addition to such a phrase. If I were to keep one idea in my mind at all times, it would likely be that one — even focusing for on not only actions and words, but inaction and silence that cause harm is a very difficult and enlightening exercise. It was, for me, the beginnings of the sense of humility that I strive for and always fall short of (which may be in the definition of humility, granted). + +My interest in magic hasn’t waned, but it has changed a great deal over the years. Magic is, I believe, a whole lot more subtle than I believed when I first got myself into a more serious study of it. Perhaps it’s the cynic in me, or the scientist inherited from my parents, but I don’t think that the magic I thought of originally (think the movie The Craft) exists, or ever has in the Common Era except as some sort of technological wizardry (think the movie The Gods Must be Crazy!). Instead, the magic I think of is summed up in the acronym MEAD: Magic is Empowerment by Attention to Detail. Just think: were I to relax a certain few muscles in order to let blood flow from one place to another, half an hour of friction could lead to a new life being brought into the world. If I were to concentrate on the correct sequence of movements, I could certainly execute a cartwheel. Magic is the background of all that is around us, and it’s that attention to detail that can make things seem magical, or at least not ‘everyday’. + +This is echoed in Richard Muller’s The Sins of Jesus, in which Joseph explains to a young Jesus that it’s not that there are no miracles anymore, but the miracles are all around, they just seem every day, such as children. I think this is an echoing of Jesus’ own words, “Wicked is the generation that looks for signs.” This is most of the concept behind Muller’s book, and is certainly pertinent in my life, but will have to wait until the exploration of Judeo-Christian spirituality, the study of which encompasses more of my life than the rest of these minor vignettes, and, thus, draws on them, and will have to wait for its own section. + +One final thing that I got out of paganism was the importance of symbols. Sigil magic was something that I toyed around with briefly, and I believe that the subconscious is an important tool to work with in this sense. Using active symbols such as sigils, or even Tarot or runes, is a powerful form of introspection. More subtly, however, passive symbols play an important part in a sociological sense: a cross — say the hematite crucifix pendant that I own — will not likely stop a bullet, draw lightning down to me, or enable me to walk on water, but it will influence the ideas of those around me, change their perceptions of who I am. The Christians my speak more openly to me about their faith or, as I’ve had happen, will speak as if I know everything about their faith that they do; while skeptics may look down on that aspect of me and question why I would wear it. Likewise, if I were to wear my flaming chalice pendant, a symbol unknown to a good portion of society, I’m likely to invite questions — I could even be accused of baiting the topic, of which I know I’m guilty. Honestly, I think that’s the purpose behind most jewelry, which is why I will only wear a piece if I’m prepared to explain it. Then again, perhaps I’m putting too much meaning into an inanimate object, of which I’m also quite guilty. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/005.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fb7adffc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 5 +--- + +*Other aspects of being — The terror of individuality — The spirituality of fiction — The beginnings of true creativity* + +There’s a long space of time after my initial intense exploration of paganism, which is filled with a nebulous sense of spiritual growth not connected to any particular spiritual set. I attribute this to a general “opening of the mind” from the gaining of more concrete intelligence. My interests started to shift from their previous areas of simple pleasures of reading, playing outside, making slings out of kite string and the toes of socks into subtler, more complicated pleasures of the more in-depth learning of high school. This is not to say that I enjoyed school — I considered dropping out at several points — but I did enjoy the act of gaining more knowledge, and in such diverse subjects. This, for me, was the beginning of learning to think within concrete systems, an idea that I’ll certainly come back to later. These were, at first, the more obvious systems of grammars (I began in Latin my sophomore year, and began constructing my own language shortly afterward), history (learning to think and analyze historical data is something I attribute to my one history teacher in high school, Dr. Carter), and biology (microbiology and biochemistry in particular — the latter was even my original major in college), not to mention music, which is a topic unto itself. + +Such intellectual things were not the only changes going on during my life. From the end of eighth grade and into ninth, a few other changes, both subtle and dramatic, took place. Though I’d suspected for quite a while, my initial feelings of sexuality crystallized into a definitive sense of something out of the ordinary. Beginning as trouble understanding the idea of what was ‘attractive,’ I eventually settled on the label of homosexuality for what I felt, coming out to my mom sometime soon after middle school had ended. This also coincided with my growing infatuation with the internet, something which has, at points, gotten way out of hand. At one point, I was the moderator of an online forum on GovTeen.net with my then-boyfriend Danny, another teenager with similar interests living in New York. + +At the same time, my mom and step-dad’s marriage started to turn sour for various reasons. While my mom had taken my coming-out fairly well, my step-dad did not; at points during this continuing strife which lasted part-way into my freshman year, he forced me to come out to his children in a rather embarrassing fashion (he told my step-sister, and made my mom force me to come out to my step-brother), checked my email and found emailed replies from the forum I moderated including some very revealing information (the forum was one of many in a group entitled Puberty-101 — this should explain a good deal about the content), all while refusing to talk to me directly about such things. I harbored an intense dislike for him at this phase and I don’t feel that I fully forgave him for all of what happened until much later in my life when I started to incorporate it into myself. Thus, I was very willing to let my mom use my orientation as the reason for breaking off the marriage, though that was only a small portion of the myriad of reasons for divorce. In honesty, I believe this was as high on my list of influences in my life as my previous flight from home, perhaps due to the similarities in how the situation turned out. + +The divorce was finalized and we — my mom and I — were planning on moving out to a townhouse very close to my high school in the next few days, and until then, my mom was sleeping on the couch in the family room with her two dogs Helen and Hank. My step-dad, perhaps with a belated riposte, came down the stairs to talk to her when, Helen, being out of control in the best of times, began barking and ran up, jumped on him, and, in short, punched him in the crotch with her paw. Humorous in hindsight, the event led to my mom and I having to move out of the house by that evening, while we were both only partially packed at the time. This was halfway through the first semester of my freshman year at Fairview and at the time, it was quite traumatic, particularly with it being a Sunday, meaning that I had to go to school the next day after this frenetic move. + +While a good portion of this was going on, my wanderings of the internet led me into the furry fandom, a broad community of folk interested in anthropomorphic animals in various ways and to various levels. Generally an open-minded bunch, if a little dramatic, I fell right in with the ranks. I fit in quite well, being a young, gay male, and a good deal of my closest friends were made through this community, or, as in the case of \*\*\*\*, introduced to it. However, seeing as the majority of furs that I knew who were interested in anything spiritual, were interested in Native American or Asian mythology, both of which are rife with anthropomorphism, and the majority of furs in general were at least agnostic, if not militantly atheistic (I saw this echoed more clearly in the gay community later on, but that’s later on), I kept my spiritual explorations separate from this aspect of myself, keeping all of my associations with other furs on a lighter level, and only letting loose on certain occasions, such as the move mentioned above. + +This habit was likely built up out of a sort of spiritual downtime. That’s not to say that my sense of spiritual self had waned, but rather that it had become tangible instead of based in words and ideas. One of the most unique experiences to come from this shift was the sense of individuality and how terrifying that can be. This was coupled with a budding sense of appreciation for humility, despite being a near-physical sensation for me. It began as a sense of how small I was in the grand scheme of things, which was made particularly evident to me by both mountains and clouds. Boulder, where I lived is right at the base of the Rocky Mountains and I grew up with those looming over me every day of my life. When my mom started to take me on hikes with her in Rocky Mountain National Park, though, I began to realize just how big the mountains were — and not just the mountains, but the entire world — compared to myself, and when I brought the entirety of the rest of space off earth into account, I was terrified at just how minuscule I was in comparison to everything else out there. This was emphasized whenever I’d look up at a partially cloudy day and see all the folds and corrugations in the clouds above, knowing that even they were likely larger than my entire high school — a building large enough to house its 2,200 students and 200 faculty and staff in ten ‘levels’. + +It was a struggle for me to embrace this idea, and I would comfort myself with other near-physical mental wanderings, such as stretching out in bed during a windy night and imagining that the wind was my body — feeling myself flow in chaotic eddies over mountains and plains, buildings and open spaces. In a sense, not only was I making myself bigger, but I was trying to escape the confines of my body’s limited range of motion, imagining the way that the wind is less of an object as a verb, as the air is not the wind, but rather the flow of air. Later in life, I’d discern this as a shallow form of a Kabbalistic exercise, a sort of synaesthetic experiences of Matt-ing. The beginning, as is said, of wisdom is awe. + +One of the things that I would do when wind-ing would be to attempt to feel the others around me as a sort of empathy. A selfish empathy, of course: rather than actually attempting to feel for those around me, it’d be more accurate to say that I was feeling my interpretation of those around me rather than them as individuals. Individuality and uniqueness of perception was a concept that I’d struggled with often up until that point, and even continue to struggle with today. Seeing others as completely separate entities rather than projections from within myself is one of those tasks that sounds much simpler than it really is. Our day-to-day lives are lived from within ourselves, in a world where self and other are distinct, and interconnectedness is achieved only on the fragile and shallow level of our tacit agreement that everyone else is just a projection of ourselves onto animate objects. To actually live your life in a continuous sense of seeing others as true individuals with their own unique perspectives — both physical and interpreted — seems to me as having the paradoxical effect of creating a deeper sort of interconnectedness born out of true dialog between two separate beings instead of, as E. E. Cummings put it, “all talking’s talking to onesself.” + +These were my thoughts at that time in my life, and my spirituality was the spirituality of fiction. In fiction, there are often deeper dialogs that ever happen in person due to the writer attempting to create characters outside of him or herself. This, combined with the fact that one of the goals of fiction is to provide a vehicle for ideas, no matter how fantastic, lead me into this incorporation of ideas from fiction into my own spirituality. The books I started reading began to have a more overt spiritual bend to them, and the ideas became more and more influential on some level or another throughout. The most readily apparent of these are Dan Simmons’ novels, all of which contain some sort of spiritual or at least deeply intellectual basis. The Hyperion Cantos, in particular, proved to be an eloquent example of the importance of individuality, not only while one was still living, but after one died. Through the esoteric idea of The Void Which Binds, Simmons’ offers a glimpse of what happens after death back on Earth (or ‘back in Life’ may be more appropriate in this sense); more specifically, the importance of the memories of the dead cherished by the living. This fit in nicely with my solidifying stance on death. We don’t know what happens after, but we can be proactive about the subject while we’re here, cherishing the lives and keeping alive the memories of those who have passed, incorporating their gifts to us all while moving forward in our own lives — that is, not getting caught up in the past and what can’t be changed. + +This burgeoning habit of looking deeper into creative works was likely one of the early influences into my own real creativity. I say real because, while I’d been creative in the past, it was always in the sense of following — singing in choir, playing in band, writing for class. Now, however, I began to apply that creativity into more of a leadership role, as in writing outside of class or composing my own music. In this, I was leaderless and totally without a teacher, which certainly shows in my writings and music from the time, of which little remains, Needless to say, I was all over the map in terms of style and application, and I don’t think that any of it shows any sense of my personality. However, it was creativity and I was doing something positive, something which might last. What I lacked at the time wasn’t just a teacher or solidified direction in my creations, but the appreciation of such — I didn’t want a teacher, didn’t think I needed one, something that would take a good deal more humility and a few really good teachers to appreciate, which didn’t arrive until college. + +I wonder if my continued attempts at creativity are a stab at immortality in the minds of others, just as Beethoven and Bach are immortal, and that, in turn, makes me wonder how to interpret that goal: is it selfish to want to live on and be remembered? It feels deep down inside that it is, after a fashion, but on a more intellectual level, it seems absurd not to want to do anything constructive, not to leave some lasting impression on the earth, with the time we’re given. My thoughts and feelings on this and on music, however, are worth a chapter in their own right. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/006.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c5901dd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 6 +--- + +*Tee hee* + +As a brief vignette, humor has always been important to me. It struck me, sometime in high school, that there wasn’t any ‘real’ humor in religion, though. There are plenty of edgy comedians that make fun of it and jokes abound, sure, but within each religion, there’s very little to be had in the way of direct humor. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule: Unitarian-Universalists do tend to have a bit of a self-deprecating sense of humor (most of their jokes involve their reliance on committees, coffee pots, or copy machines), and I’ve seen some really subtle humor in traditional Jewish teachings. Rarely, however, are religions outright humorous. + +Well, except those that are. + +One of my friends on the internet — a furry, of course — introduced me to Discordianism sometime around late freshman year, and I thought that I had finally found a religion I could take seriously. Discordians have a creation myth, a curse to lay on others, a system to live by, apostles, and even a church sanctioned game. The catch, of course, is that none of this is intended to be taken seriously. Basing their deity on the minor goddess of Grecco-Roman mythology, Eris, the goddess of chaos, the Discordians have built up either one of the more elaborate jokes or one of the least elaborate religions in the modern era. Despite being popularized through not only their holy book, The Principia Discordia — or How I Found Goddess and What I Did to Her When I Found Her, but also the writings of Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea in the books of the Illuminatus! Trilogy, the number of serious Discordians is still quite small, and despite that, the church is very fractured, what with every member being a Pope and several of them running their own Cabals. So it was, with humor as a major factor in the religion, I declared myself a Discordian Episkopos and leader of my own ‘Qabal’, the Qabal of Ranna I. + +Despite the fact that the majority of the religion is a joke, I did take several things from Discordianism worth mentioning. As mentioned, the deity in question, Eris, is the goddess of Chaos, and the Discordians do take their Chaos seriously, or as seriously as a Discordian takes anything. While most of that is for comedic purposes, there are good points about chaos that need to be brought up when talking about religion and spirituality. Several of these valid points stem from the Discordian’s argument that most religions point to all the order in the world and proclaim it the work of some Deity or another, handily ignoring all the chaos inherent in nature. After reading the Principia as well as a few pertinent science fiction books and actively spending a while pondering Chaos in the world, not only am I inclined to agree, but I find that I’m more inclined toward that chaos than toward the order. That is not to say that order has no place: “To choose order over disorder, or disorder over order,” the Principia states, “is to accept a trip composed of both the creative and the destructive. But to choose the creative over the destructive is an all-creative trip composed of both order and disorder. To accomplish this, one need only accept creative disorder along with, and equal to creative order, and also be willing to reject destructive order as an undesirable equal to destructive disorder.” A fine point, I believe, and something I have integrated as an active principle in my life. + +The Church of the Subgenius is Discordianism taken several steps further. What was at first humorous is now intentionally absurd, and where once was disorder is now active strife. The Book of the Subgenius is filled with clip-art, a veritable collage of propaganda posters, diagrams, nonsensical text, and repetitive references to their deity/prophet/ruler J. R. “Bob” Dobbs. Their rituals seem to consist of getting drunk and holding devivals, and possibly some waxing poetic about meteors bouncing around inside the Earth. I took nothing from the Subgenii, excepting perhaps a bit of skepticism — their humor is simply over my head. + +During my senior year in high school, several friends and I, all interested in the more esoteric and unique traditions began to get together to discuss such traditions from serious to humorous (they had all heard of and participated in Discordianism), and, at one point, even became a school-sanctioned group, though we were only just barely tolerated — Prayer at the Pole, on the other hand, was, of course, embraced wholly, which certainly got on our nerves at the time. Once we started advertising, we did hold a few successful true meetings, the most memorable of which involved the various methods of divination in use around the world, or at least those allowable indoors. While Dan spun in circles until he fell down — gyromancy: his landing would determine the answer to a question — Toren read tarot, and I conducted crude numerological explorations with a book by Aleister Crowley. Mostly, however, we would just laugh a lot and talk about various odd things about this religion or that cult. I would post ’propaganda posters’ consisting of images and phrases from the Principia Discordia and my own contrivance, stamp any poster I saw in the hall with a self-inking stamp which read “APOTHEOSIS APPROVED” (for which I got in trouble), and even hand out Pope cards. This was my attempt at adding creative chaos to an otherwise dreary school atmosphere: the prime example of order both constructive and destructive in the world. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/007.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7d081faa --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 7 +--- + +*Sent away to learn — Who’ll be a witness? — Two texts, one word — The difference between you and me — Ecstatic meditations.* + +In this country, and in this day and age, it’s nearly impossible to go without experiencing some form of Christianity. As was mentioned earlier, I did attend a church service at an early age and I remember my maternal grandmother showing me a cartoon about Jesus’ life, but, again, at the time, it meant little, if anything to me at the time. I was simply too young to incorporate those ideas into my life without any prior knowledge or expertise. Even into high school, my ideas on Christianity were limited to a vague sense of a few of the core ideas of the religion: only what my limited knowledge could offer. + +My parents’ opinions on religion in general were mostly informed by their experiences with Christianity while growing up, and, as such, my sources for such knowledge were limited by my parents’ opinions. That is, until one summer at the away-from-home camp I went to. + +My dad had been sent to something similar as a child: run by the YMCA, such camps were usually secluded up in the mountains or by some lake or another, providing a chance for kids to learn in a more natural context. He enjoyed the experiences so much that he wound up being a councilor at his camp, and decided to send me to one when I was old enough. I wound up at Camp Shady Brook, west of Salida, Colorado, first for one week then for two weeks at a time, running amok in the valley in which this camp was situated. There were the standards of archery and target practice with .22 rifles, swimming and canoeing in the pond, playing kickball, and massive, camp-wide games of capture the flag (the valley setup allowed a girls slope and a boys slope, and this, I remember being informed, was a precious opportunity to see the girl’s side). What I remember most, however, was talking with my councilor and my cabin-mates. It was, I believe, my second year there when I received a bible as a gift from my councilor. + +Though I’m sure it was a form of witnessing, it was too subtle for my mind. I took the book thinking it might be a fun read and would make me into a good person because of it. I thought little of the societal implications of Christianity at the time, much less the religious factor of it, and I was consequently disappointed when I found it so difficult to read and get through the KJV’s wording. + +Having put the bible down and peeked at it only to verify one or two quotes that I’d heard over the years, I thought of it rarely, at one point having had to take it back from my step-mom after forgetting that she had borrowed it. It was my budding sexuality that eventually brought it into relevance again, and I struggled to read it once or twice in middle and early high school with no luck, basing my knowledge instead on commentaries on relevant verses I found on the internet. + +The ideas that I knew were contained in this very difficult to read piece of literature did seem worthy of investigation. ‘Love thy neighbor’ is almost cliché in this society, but the first time I heard “love your enemy as you love your neighbor,” I felt that there might be some portions of this book worth reading. It wasn’t the bible, however, that was to solidify this for me. Sometime in my junior or senior year of high school, I came across a book called The Sins of Jesus by Richard Muller somewhere online. I’m not sure who recommended it to me or where I saw it, but the idea intrigued me: after my recent disillusionment with the concept of magic in paganism, I felt that a view of Jesus without the added baggage of miracles would be an interesting way to learn more about the religion; the fact that the book was a novel just made it all the more appealing to me, even if I did feel the need to put a blank cover on it to keep from offending others while reading it in public. + +“Had I read this book as a teenager, I might not have become an atheist,” reads a blurb on the front of the book, and I have to admit, I found it nearly as powerful. As soon as I finished the — admittedly rather short — book, I read it straight through a second time. Many of the precepts of Christianity are crystallized in this telling of the life of Jesus, and to see them in a plain, readable (for me, at least) form proved quite compelling and made me reevaluate my view not only of the religion of Christianity, but my view of my own individual spirituality. How would it feel to love my enemy as I loved my neighbor? What would it mean to have this concept of God be nearer to a caring father figure than an overarching deity that cared more about following rules than human interaction? Wasn’t human interaction one of the most important things to humans? + +All this called into doubt what I had seen of the more fundamentalist Christians that I had seen on TV and heard about through my friends. To put it loosely, were they preaching from the same gospel? This required some deeper investigation, which meant doing some research from the more quoted of sources. + +In my search for a more direct answer, I went straight for the New Testament in my bible, using the internet as an alternate resource for when the text became too bulky for me to digest. What I found wasn’t something radically different as I had supposed, but something much more vague than I had expected. Herein was my first real experience with the vagueness of text — while my mom had often explained horoscopes away as simple vagueness, I had never seen it in a true religious sense like this. + +What I was seeing was two different interpretations of one text in active use. On one side was the supposed eternal love of Christ and the Father in heaven, and on the other was spelled out damnation in the words of an angry God. Two things lead to this disparity and, in my case, made it worse. Firstly, I had not, at that point, read the Old Testament, nor had I finished more than the apostolic books of the New Testament, so I was without the harsher tradition of the Tanakh, as well as the stricter words put forth in the Pauline epistles and later books in the newer tradition. Secondly, I lacked the faith-driven background that most of these fundamentalists and true Christians had lived through. Not only was I brought up to use the healthy sense of skepticism that I had been given and had developed with my forays into other, smaller religions, but I was lacking the foundation of knowledge that these people had. + +Of course, the largest difference between most of those people and myself was likely one of sexual orientation. I was reading the bible from the careful, wary standpoint of a young gay man eager to avoid conflict, while those around me were reading it from the standpoint of those who have always been taught that homosexuality is wrong by their society, their religion, and individuals in their lives. In my view, at that time, they were picking and choosing verses to justify their actions, whereas in their view, I was committing — make that living a sin that is strictly defined in several places in the entire bible, described as everything from ‘detestable’ to worthy of the death penalty. At this point in my life, this was too large of a portion of myself for me to keep at any sort of serious study of the bible or Christianity, and the phase quickly tapered out, leaving me with a greater sense of the religion derived from a novelized telling of Jesus’ life than from the bible itself. + +Now that I was getting to be more experienced in this, I made sure not to just garner all this information without taking some of it into myself. One situation of note sticks out in particular. I had fallen madly in love with a friend of mine, Andrew, and, after our fair share of tribulations, we wound up in a relationship. However, a year or two into the relationship, we parted briefly for several reasons, and Andrew wound up with another person — a mutual friend of ours. One evening, feeling sorry for myself and rather sour all around, I went to bed early and lay, thinking, for several hours. + +I really did wish the best for Andrew, though I was torn between that and jealousy, which made my feelings for our mutual friend all the more confusing. On one hand, he was my friend, but on the other, he’d taken something dear to me for himself, making obvious all of the ways I had screwed up in my relationship leading up to that point. I felt that I should have been thankful to him for that in a grudging sort of way because perhaps I was now a better person, but, to put it bluntly, I felt more that he was my enemy. + +Remembering that silly phrase that I had heard, “love your enemies as you would love your neighbor,” I felt that it was worth a go, if only for not feeling so terrible for a while. I tried several approaches to this problem. Thinking of all of the redeeming factors of this person worked only on a very shallow level, as did just plain force. Removing Andrew from the equation helped a little, but after a while, I felt more like I was ignoring the problem than working towards a solution. It wasn’t until I removed myself from the equation that things started to work out. At first, I took a step back from the problem and attempted to see from the perspective of the others involved, which, as stated before, worked only somewhat well, as I was seeing what I interpreted to be their perspective, rather than their true perspective. After this, I attempted to draw the situation with myself as an observer, before finally stepping back from the whole thing and doing my level best to take in the logic and emotion bound up in this situation. + +What I saw wasn’t some case of enemies and new loves, but was an instance of three people interacting with each other on a deeply emotional level. While I do not know all of what happened between Andrew and this friend of ours, much less what thoughts were going through their heads, seeing the situation laid bare helped me to understand the intricacies of what was going on along with the intense and, cliché as it sounds, beautiful interactions between three intense and beautiful individuals. + +This was just a vague taste of what I think was meant by loving one’s enemies, and, finding such elation after being wrapped up in such drama, I slipped quickly out of this mode of thinking, though the ideas behind it stayed with me; it was only a brief glimpse of a deeper understanding. I leapt up from bed and got online as quickly as I could to tell this mutual friend that I understood and that I loved him “as a brother,” and that I had (jokingly) “reached enlightenment, and all it took was three hours in bed.” + +Things eventually worked out well, I think, though tendrils of the situation lasted long past when I expected them to, several years later. Some sense of that original emotion stuck with me, and I felt that, at last, I finally knew what might be the driving force behind the origins of religion, that I knew what people meant by a mystical experience, and that this ecstasy would indeed serve as an excellent starting-point for wanting to join a religion. With the sour taste still in my mouth from finding the difference in interpretation within Christianity, I abandoned that thread and continued to look within myself, searching for the reason and method behind that moment. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/008.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4ed836f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 8 +--- + +*Four years passed — Five Pillars — The Gays versus the Preachers — Changes mean new beginnings* + +High school did not pass in a flash, even in hindsight. It wound laboriously through the weeks and months, most of the time, and I remember long stretches of dull times throughout my four years there. That’s not to say that times were all bad, of course. I made some incredible friends, did some incredibly stupid stuff, and just generally grew up a whole lot in the time I spent there. + +I had gained a new appreciation of music through my experiences in choir under two tried and true directors, and had considered that as a field I might want to pursue later in life. However, I also grew to appreciate biology after taking a few advanced courses in the subject, gaining an interest in the areas of biochemistry and molecular biology. Thus it was that I applied to Colorado State University. + +My reasons for applying to CSU as opposed to the more local CU were myriad. Foremost, during the application period, I was still together with Andrew, and he was planning on going to CSU as well, at the time. There were more pertinent reasons, however: according to my mom, who graduated from CU, the Fort Collins’ university’s methods were more geared toward practical applications while the Boulder university generally favored more theoretical study. This, I felt, was key in the area of biochemistry, my first major. Also important, I felt that moving away from my hometown — far enough to put some distance between my parents and I but near enough to make visiting easy — would be a good idea in order to facilitate independence. + +All in all, with such a large move, I was left with a rather large change in my life. I found myself with a few of my classmates from high school in a different town, inundated with freedom. Now was obviously the time for experimentation beyond what I had been able to do at home. I began, at first, with classes. Besides the obvious biology, chemistry, and core classes I was taking, I added in The History of Islam to the 1500s. + +During my classes in history in high school, Islam had been my favorite subject. Perhaps it was because it was the only sanctioned bit of religion we were allowed to be taught, with most other material sanitized of such content. My teacher at the time, Dr. Carter, did an excellent job of providing an historic overview along with a good description of the tenets of Islam, and my close friend, Jerred, a Malaysian Muslim, supplemented this information. + +Getting to take an in-depth class on the subject felt like a privilege to me, and getting to learn from such a professor as Dr. Lindsey was an honor. The structure of the class, being basically historical, worked to our advantage, adding information to the basic understanding of the religion in chronological order as we learned about the events behind such changes. + +In Islam, I saw a sort of purity and a fairly well defined system of faith with some clearly explained goals, along with a sense of brotherhood that I hadn’t really experienced or seen through any other systems. Alas, though I felt at first that I really connected with the religion, I ran into much the same problem that I did with Christianity — namely the discrepancy between what I learned from people and what I actually read in the Qur’an, and I wound up dropping the interest fairly soon, looking into it only at a much later date and from a much different perspective. + +Meanwhile, I branched out in other areas of my life due to the freedom I had gained. With a campus of several thousand people, despite the university’s more conservative reputation, it was no surprise that there was a student group for gay students. The GLBT Student Services office quickly became a regular haunt for me, and I began to meet up with other gay people close to my age on campus, working into a group of friends and possible dating pool more so than I had done in Boulder. It was from this group of friends that I first strongly felt the aversion many gay people have toward religion, Christianity in particular. + +With such a large area of campus devoted to free speech, the Plaza outside the student center was regularly visited by ‘street preachers,’ men whose full-time job it was to travel the nation and witness to large groups of students at a time. They would stand or sit out in one place with a ring of students gathered around them answering questions, preaching gospel, and shouting themselves hoarse. Generally the types of fundamentalists I would see on TV, they were usually fairly harsh on students, accusing everyone of engaging in irresponsible drinking, premarital sex, and vague gender-roles. Men in pink shirts would get shouted at for not being masculine, and public displays of affection were cause for rude noises. + +Many of the people in the GLBTSS office pounced on the opportunity to start an argument with these preachers and often, whole groups of gay people would band together against the lone Christian in a shouting match over the ethics of homosexuality or the legitimacy of the bible in today’s society. Both sides would hurl logical fallacies at each other and both would leave frustrated. I didn’t actually work up the courage to talk to one of the preachers until a few years later, but I would always go and watch whenever these squabbles would happen, curious as to the lack of civil discourse. + +My own beliefs came into play more toward the end of my first semester of such freedom. By now, I had gone to the nearby Bible Superstore to pick up a different translation of the bible, one that would be easier to read, and started picking at it now and then. At the same time I got a little into Tarot cards and explored the system behind them, though that exploration didn’t last too long due to what I felt to be a rather large amount of information to memorize. Deep inside, though, things were certainly getting riled up: something about my current major did not agree with me. + +It wasn’t just that I wasn’t doing well in my classes (a test that I felt that I had done well on would turn out to be a 30% score), but something didn’t feel right about the subject I was studying. I found, as I still do, the information absolutely fascinating and extremely pertinent in today’s world, but I felt that I wasn’t the one who should be working on it. For me the path seemed the incorrect one, like I was doing something that I knew I shouldn’t by studying in a field so close to other people’s physical bodies, something which I felt should not be my area of expertise. + +After one semester, I changed my major to music, seeking music education. With my emphasis on the internal aspects of humanity, I thought that this was a better fit for me. The education portion of my degree would not only be more marketable than just music, but now I would be dealing with kids (my aim was to teach high school), something else that was important to me. My one big regret of being gay was that I wouldn’t likely have any children of my own. + +This feeling of ‘correct fit’ when it came to my choice of major along with the direction my life was headed was the trailhead for the path of mysticism and religious study that would follow. Though that first year was vague in terms of beliefs and traditions, I feel that it was the beginning of a solidifying phase. My method of study — rather than my actual religion, of course — was gelling into a means of exploring traditions, religions, and spiritualities that was constructive for me, leading to the beginnings of my concept of synthesis, which would become so important later on. I was a preschooler in learning how to learn. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/009.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/009.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1421102d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/009.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 9 +--- + +*Early musicianship — The subtleties in the art — A major in two halves — Counterfeits sell — Another change* + +Some of my earliest memories are of listening to the music of my parents, making mix-tapes (I grew up in the 80’s, you see), and hearing new songs on the radio. Seeing my interest in the music around me, my parents agreed to put me in lessons for an instrument, and, from about age six through about fifth grade, I played the alto saxophone, all while maintaining interests in other instruments such as drums and keyboard. + +Music was, essentially, the closest thing I had to a ‘religion’ for a long time. I put religion in quotes because I do not mean that I had mystical experiences while playing the sax or that I believed strongly in any one particular thing about music (at that time), but that music was the thing that was constant in my life: lessons were church, recitals were special occasions to get dressed up for, and it was something that I had to think about in my daily life. + +It’s of little surprise, then, when I say that my interest in music continued throughout my life. After all, it began as a habit and stayed with me as one for a long time before I started to actually think about it in any sort of depth. It used to be that I would listen to music on repeat while doing homework, thinking I’d just have noise in the background, but I’d often find that I’d wind up anticipating what song was coming up next and trying to tie the whole of the album or tape together into a story. + +Music meant little to me in middle school, and I picked up the oboe then more as a way to attract attention to myself as the one that played that weird instrument that sounded more like a duck than a woodwind. High school, on the other hand, was the defining time for me, more by chance than anything else. I first signed up for classes so that I had seven periods of class and one off period in the middle of the day for lunch. On my third day at school, however, while eating lunch in the hallway with a friend from elementary school, several girls came up to us and basically bribed us into joining choir (their reasoning was that there were a lot of girls there, which didn’t interest me nearly as much as the music). + +Winding up in choir for that freshman year was, in retrospect, the original turning point of my life in the direction of music. Before that, I really had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life, other than the occasional vague notion of being a scientist of some sort. Through the four years of choir in high school (five choirs; seven if you count seasonal choirs), I developed a deep respect for some of the music we performed and began to ponder the music in a more conscious fashion. + +How, exactly, did one convey emotion through music? This became particularly pertinent when we performed music of different cultures. To western ears, the major scale (or at least major tonality) outlines a generally positive mood while tempo and dynamics are left to further that description. For example, a loud, fast, and major sounding song may suggest triumph or ecstasy, while a soft and slow major song can sound introspective — love is a big theme, of course. This leaves the minor scale for describing negative emotions, with similar modifications from tempo and dynamics. + +Looking at music from other cultures, however, provides a different glimpse. As a readily available example, much in the way of Jewish choral literature relies less on what melodic materials are used and more on articulation and other devices to determine whether a song is ’happy’ or not. In other words, many Jewish choir songs sound distinctly depressing or sad to our western ears, though the texts are rather positive. + +As another example, I mentioned before that I’ve played with the dominant sonority, using it in ways that are not expected. A dominant function chord is one that, in western music, has a tendency to resolve in a certain way to the tonic, or primary key sonority, that is, it is usually seen as the second-to-last chord and over all sonority in most common practice period pieces, excepting of course the ‘amen’ of hymns. Though originally seen as dissonant, the dominant seventh chord became so ingrained into western music that it became strict taboo to not resolve it properly, or at least in a properly deceptive manner. It wasn’t until the late romantic era and into the jazz era that ‘improper’ uses of dominant seventh chords became commonplace. + +These are both examples of the effect of music on the mind of the listener. The composer plays with the direction of the music based on the listener’s expectations of what’s to come in the line of the song. In high school, though I’d begun composing, I was subconsciously trying to do just that. My earliest songs show some attempt at providing material that would sound unexpected without being totally out there. + +Once I got to college and settled into my music major, however, I began to come across more and more in the way of musical materials in my schooling. Though I started with Music Theory Fundamentals, I ended up building a strong core of musical knowledge from the ground up, and from the past to the present. This growing core of knowledge allowed me to explore further into my own musical style, but more than that, it provided growing concern in my major, though I had just switched recently. + +My goal up until that point was to major in music education as a way to stay in my desired major of music and wind up with a sure-fire job when I graduated. The more I dealt with the education department, however, the more I came in contact with the public education system and its philosophies, and the more I came in contact with those while building my musical knowledge-base, the more I wanted to get out. What I saw in the music department was incredible. I saw, for the first time, all of the ideas that I had in my head from choir in high school not only put into action, but also embodied in the other students that I met there, not to mention the teachers, who were and still are of great inspiration to me. + +In the public education system, however, I saw everything that I hated about my own public school experiences. Teachers are taught to act fake, to refrain saying anything about themselves that kids might pass on to their parents, and to fear, above all else, the power of parents and their litigious tendencies in today’s society. As teachers, we were expected to teach in the style sanctioned by whatever was popular, and what was popular was determined by what was making the most money for publishers at the time. My education classes contradicted a good portion of my knowledge of psychology, and a good portion of what I expected to be able to teach was denied to me. + +In particular, I felt that the direction in which my music education classes were heading was not where I wanted to head with my life. Specifically, the problems I had with music education had to do with the current trends in music and where they get their influences. The more I learned about the different styles of western music through the ages, the more I doubted the authenticity of what we sang in high school. Some of our music was genuine, true to its period or style, or unique in a way that offered a glimpse at something new. A healthy portion, however, was phony. Fake. Totally lacking in the soul and creativity that I saw in the other pieces we were performing. This was music that was written to fulfill a contract with a corporation, and it was the corporation, not the artists, the trends, and the times, that was deciding what was the correct music for our age group to be performing. This pseudomusic, as I later learned to call it, is easily taking over the industry, smothering students and leaving composers with little choice of what to write. This was not something I wanted to push on my students. + +Likewise, teaching methods were pushed with the same voracity in the music education practicum class I took. Orff, Dalcroze, and Kodaly systems were pushed and hyped without end, and we were encouraged to spend several thousand dollars on a course that would get us a certificate proclaiming us as followers of that one particular method. Such useless certifications for simply different ways of teaching music put a bad taste in my mouth + +With these doubts instilled about my future job, I began to question my true reason for wanting to be in the music education program. Sure, I wanted to give students the same joy that I had felt in singing an incredible piece, but I felt that that wasn’t the only reason for me wanting to be in front of a room full of students. A room full of singers is an instrument, and, as a budding composer, I felt that, were I not careful, I might start to see them as such and begin to push my own music on them. Of course, with this growing appreciation of music, I was terrified that along with my music would come my ideals, and here is where humility began to beat me over the head. Who was I to push around a room of students like that? I could bring them to see the same joy that I had felt, sure, but how would I feel expressing my opinions — as I knew I eventually would — in front of people who are just starting to form theirs? I wouldn’t be teaching so much as taking advantage. + +For a while, I tried to quell my horror at the public education system and to work around these doubts. I formulated the beginnings of my teaching philosophy in an attempt to keep the proper goals in mind, though I only finished it recently under encouragement from others. In short, my goal should not be to lead an excellent choir in beautiful concerts, or to provide an artistic outlet for students, or even to teach the fundamentals of music; my goal should be to encourage the future generations to become more complete and well rounded individuals with an appreciation not only for the arts of our culture, but of others around us — leading an excellent choir, providing an artistic outlet, and teaching fundamentals is only the path toward that goal, and the harder the students and I work toward that goal, the greater our accomplishments along the way will be. + +In an ideal world, that would be the case. The more I saw of the public education system, though, the more I was convinced that we were living in some world far, far from the ideal one, and I eventually started to look toward other avenues where I might help in other ways, eventually seeking to get into the composition major, a battle unto itself. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/010.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/010.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2d9277e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 10 +--- + +*Arguments and smooth talkin’ — Set, setting, or integral part?* + +While my library of relevant books grew from the KJV Bible and the Principia Discordia, my interest in spiritualities continued to swell and, eventually, I began to read more into these different faiths. I came back time after time to the bible, however, having branched the collection out to a nice NIV copy, an Amplified copy (wherein whenever there’s a difference in a source material, it’s noted, and whenever there are multiple meanings for a word, they follow in parentheses), and several NKJV New Testaments from the Gideons on campus. My reasons for looking so keenly into the Bible were due in large part to the overwhelming presence of Christianity on campus, specifically in the music department. + +Perhaps because it was so pertinent in my daily life in school, I was very interested in the ‘why’ of Christianity. Why did people focus so intently on this one book, take the words written in it so seriously? I had gleaned a good bit of information about the history and concepts from Muller’s The Sins of Jesus, and I had read a bit of the bible at this point — the apostles and about half the Torah — so I could see that there was indeed something there to be learned. My struggle, then, was to find agreement in what I saw in the actions of Christians with the dogma put forth in the Bible. + +There was, one spring, a preacher out on the Plaza named Johnny Square. He had the perfect voice for a contemporary evangelical, black preacher: smooth and reassuring with an almost sing-song tone to the important words which brought them out almost as much as the long pauses filling his speech did. Also, unlike the other preachers that usually came to campus, he encouraged one on one discussion, bringing with him a couple of PA speakers, a throat microphone for himself, and a microphone on a stand for whomever he was talking to. This idea of a public ’one-on-one’ dialogue was something that intrigued me, as most other preachers were content to just shout at passers by from a central location, usually surrounded at a respectful distance by a ring of students listening, rarely participating. + +As I mentioned before, though, many of the people from the GLBT office were rather harsh with these preachers, and today was no exception: what began as a light argument about homosexuality as sin turned into each side throwing logical fallacies at each other mingled with insults. With this apparent stalemate, the folk from the GLBT office headed off to their classes and Mr. Square was left all worked up. + +For some reason I’m not sure of, I got up and went to the microphone. I had little idea of what I was going to talk about, other than I just wanted to make it a more constructive conversation than what had just taken place, perhaps as a means to show that not everyone from the office was so intent on attacking. Not really in the moment, I began by asking him how he was and a few basic questions more to stall for time before I brought up the idea of love in homosexual relationships. While I’m sure we talked for about half an hour or forty-five minutes, I really don’t remember much about the conversation except that, at one point, I mentioned that I would be willing to go to hell for the love that I’ve experienced in this life, to which the preacher responded, “Hell is the place where Jesus Christ is completely separated from you and absent from the whole of your existence.” + +This was, by far, the gentlest description of hell I’d heard, though depending on whom you ask, possibly the most devastating. Our own conversation reached a gentler stalemate soon after, though it was not without a few pieces of scripture — the standard statement from Leviticus regarding homosexuality included. Certainly not as exciting as the previous discussion, ours left us both feeling a little lighter, and he offered to meet with me over lunch the next day, though our conversation was rather shallow over that. + +What I took away from this experience was a few bits of confusion that I’m still thinking about today, all surrounding the definition of Christianity. Granted, such a thing is quite subjective and will change depending on whom you ask, I was left wondering about the connection between Christianity and Judaism. The two are obviously connected — the first five books of the Old Testament are the Jewish Torah, and, with the rest of the books in that collection, part of the Tanakh, the collected writings which, along with the Talmud and Midrash, serve as the basis of the religion. Jesus himself was a Jew, and the Jews played a major part in the story of his life. + +Separating the two, then, becomes a problem. There are a few obvious differences in teachings between the Old and New Testaments: in the former, God is shown to be quick to anger and, in his own words, “a jealous God;” while in the latter, he is put forth as a loving abba, or father figure. In Judaism, God talks the people of Israel through prophets, of which there are many, and many instances of groups of people prophesizing, while in Christianity, God is said to be manifest in the form of Jesus (basically — different denominations, different views on this), making Jesus more than just a prophet. Also, prayer is left to the individual, and, as a consequence, there are less in the way of prophets, not to mention the priest caste that had existed before. + +Another difference in the two is the amount and presentation of rules. It is said that there are 613 rules in the Torah that Jews must follow, and they are stated plainly, along with consequences. In the New Testament the rules are muddied and indistinct, though there are certainly commandments, and many of them show up not only in the form of parable, but only appear later in the writings of his followers, such as Paul. This, of course, brings into question the sources for each of these two traditions: for the older, there are the words of God brought to the people by way of the prophets, and in the latter, God spoke directly through Jesus, and the rest, to paraphrase Rabbi Hillel, is just commentary. + +These differences lead to the question of how does Judaism (in the context of the Old Testament) factor into Christianity? In the culture at the time, it would be easy to see Jesus as the next prophet, taken from an outsider’s perspective — an insider, of course, having the miracles on his side. With Jesus being a Jew in a Jewish culture, it’s easy to look at it that way, but obviously, things have changed — Christianity is now seen as a separate entity from Judaism, and most Jews certainly don’t consider Christians to be Jewish! With its focus on the Israelite community (the oft-quote Leviticus 18:22 is followed with, in the 29th verse paraphrased, “Whoever commits these acts will be cut off from the people”), what then does this mean for Christians who use this — obviously a cultural and spiritual influence in Jesus’ time — to condemn people today? Yes, in a later verse (Lev 20:13), it does say that the person who commits this act (a man laying with a man) is to be put to death if they’re in the house of Israel and defile the Lord’s sanctuary, but how does this fit in with today’s Christianity? I honestly am not sure whether the Old Testament is intended as the predecessor and basis behind Christianity or if it is actively considered part of the teaching. It seems to me that it depends on the Christian, and many opt for a combination of both — using portions such as those listed above as active principles in their faith while the others are simply set-and-setting for Jesus’ life. + +Even within the New Testament there are things that can be applied both as active principles and set-and-setting. For example, how does one deal with the concept of witnessing? The ‘against the hypocrites’ chapters in Matthew, the sixth and seventh, would seem contrary to what a lot of Christians do, but even later books, the Pauline Epistles in particular, seem contrary to this. Witnessing, it seems, should be done on a one-on-one basis with quiet humility according to what Jesus said, which seems contrary to the shouting preachers on the plaza, condemning us all to hell and praying before us. Perhaps this is why I enjoyed Johnny Square so much more than the others. What he held was more of a public dialog between him and one or two students at a time to talk about the issues at hand, rather than to make a spectacle of witnessing. + +These explorations are still new to me, despite having thought about them for so long now. I’m sure that answers will come to me in time and will bring with them all new questions. For now I’ll have to keep reading, and perhaps one of these days I’ll pluck up my courage again and talk to someone on the other side of the situation. I’m curious to see how both Christians and Jews feel about this issue, and I’m interested to see how they’ll react to being asked such a question. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/011.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/011.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a77f574a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/011.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 11 +--- + +*Distractions — Pleasure first and pleasure in all things — Reeling — Consequences* + +School provided an ample distraction for me from my spiritual pursuits, but even so, I was still left with some free time to explore other interests. The internet still occupied much of my time, and through it, I found myself picking up a few different hobbies. As may be obvious by now, my attention does tend to wander from one topic to another fairly often and I’ve wound up with a good collection of stuff — both intangible knowledge and tangible items — related to all of these brief infatuations. However, I’d have to say that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is this exploration of the different corners of the universe and building my knowledge up higher and higher, as there is always still more and more to learn. + +In this way, I consider myself a hedonist, or at least rather selfish. I suppose by garnering all of this knowledge and related materials, I was, as Jesus put it, building up wealth (of a sort) in this life instead of working for the next. It felt good for me to build a wider and wider base of knowledge on which to build myself. It felt good to have tangible evidence of my skill, and to be able to demonstrate it. This, I think, is where the selfishness showed up — thought it did feel good to have all this, I felt rather bad in having it. It felt as though I was bragging, and continuously searching for new things to brag about. I still struggle with this, and I do my best to keep humility in mind. + +Along with this garnering of knowledge, I did my level best to cherish experiences and emotions as well. While it might be slightly contrary to the definition of hedonism, I didn’t do anything to avoid depression and pain to focus just on positive emotions and pleasure. Rather, when depression came up, I did my best to dissect the feeling both in an attempt to remedy it as well as cherish the feeling while it was there. With pain, I focused on the pleasure within it and toyed with finding descriptive words and phrases for it. A paper I found on my floor recently offers a glimpse of this: “Pain is the harsh light that illuminates our lives in a stark contrast of ups and downs; it is the gently persistent glow that brings color to our pleasure; we breathe pain — the scent of snow on the way in and the taste of blood on the way out, frigid to the core no matter how hot.” + +With these descriptions in mind, I began almost subconsciously to attempt to synaesthetically catalog my different emotions and sensations in terms of sensory responses. My early attempts back in high school described emotions and the thoughts tied to them as clouds of color in different locations within and surrounding my body. I think that, by attempting to picture the colors before I tried to decipher the emotions involved helped me to differentiate between separate and related emotions. As an example, I wrote, “when pondering (attraction), a luminescent fuchsia color that seems to be flowing in the right hemisphere of my brain; when thinking of (a significant other) and snuggling, a warm, earthy brown with a little bit of green in a pine-needle-ish pattern about a foot and a half in front of me and slightly to the left; tiredness is off-white everywhere and blind hopelessness is bright blue wrapped around my mind.” However, this exercise was rather draining, and I didn’t keep it up for long. + +This lust for experience and betterment eventually lead into exploration of drugs — I’ll be blunt; mind-altering substances is a nice phrase, but food and water are mind-altering substances — beginning with the obvious months of research on Erowid and like sites back in high school. Upon the way, I came across a page about Salvia divinorum and its effects, including a chapter from the book Pharmako/poeia by Dale Pendell. I purchased this book and skimmed through the amazingly poetic content (I even began writing in his style — if anyone remembers my ’ally’ — while reading the book) all while still researching the interestingly bizarre plant that is Salvia. I finally worked up the courage to purchase some Salvia just to see what it was like. + +The third time was the charm, and also the most terrifying. The first two attempts at trying the plant resulted in little more than hypoxia, but, as I’d read, there was a bit of reverse tolerance — the drug got stronger as time went on. Never has anything instilled such fear in me, and, in time, such respect. While I had steered clear of drugs throughout high school, preferring instead to sit and watch from the sidelines as a girl in my world literature class freaked out on mushrooms, I only began to really respect them with this experience. + +What exactly happen sounds rather mundane and funny in retrospect: having smoked a little bit of the extracted plant material in an empty room, I was neatly destroyed before I even had a chance to exhale the first breath. I felt that I had lost nearly all sense of my ego, and I was clinging to what remained by the barest of threads while my room tried to eat it. Having fallen over on my side, the baseboard heater had become a mouth, the window a solitary eye, and the vast expanse of the empty room a muzzle and throat of some sort of beast emanating from my chest, intent on eating my ego and any lingering sense of self. With Salvia comes a certain gravity — it pulls back and to the right, for me — along with a rhythm of about two or three strikes a second, and this turned into a sensation of being caught in the maw of this beast while it struggled to dislodge me with its tongue in order to swallow. + +To be honest, I’m not sure how my deep sense of respect for such a powerful plant emerged from such a situation, other than perhaps the sense of ego-death caused by it. Also, it made me realize what a control freak I can be when it comes to my mind. My worst fear in the world at the time was insanity, of which I was given a brief glimpse. Part of, I believe, my trouble with that experience was the need to hold onto the strand of my ego throughout the process and not let it go. + +The next experience, that of psylocybe mushrooms, completely destroyed all of that. Salvia is a quick experiencing. From start to shaky baseline was likely no more than five or ten minutes. With mushrooms, I was clearly not myself for a good three or four hours, and was not back to baseline for another four hours after that. Sometime during this process, I started to break out in a mild case of hives, which, while you’re in the process of going crazy, does little to help the situation. While I had been pleasantly goofy before, I suddenly turned into a mess of fear and panic, getting stuck in a time loop in the bathtub, and spending half an hour writing to myself that I had just taken a psychoactive substance in order to convince myself that I was still sane. + +It was after this that my respect for Salvia grew even more. It took another year after the episode with the mushrooms, but I finally tried another psychoactive substance again, and this time, I let the herb steal away my ego, placidly going through a sort of ego-death in order to experience the rawer side of myself that is normally buried under the crust of the Self. While the imagery of the ‘trip’ was fairly standard — floating up through the branches of a limitless tree as the layers of my mind were laid bare to me — the deeper meaning struck me as a very introspective look at some of the parts of my mind that I don’t normally get to see. The next evening, I attended a Sufi zikr (‘dhikr’ depending on the tradition) ceremony with a very close friend in the music department, and I was tempted to ask for a mystical interpretation of the experience while the leaders of the ceremony engaged in a traditional interpretation of dreams. + +My explorations with other substances have also been introspective, but none so deeply. To take a phrase from Dale Pendell, they were, rather, ground-state training. I have toyed with large doses of caffeine and then fasted from it in order to take a look within myself and see what courses my thoughts take both on and off the substance. I have sought empathy in plants such as Kava kava, blue lotus, and pot, and found it in only limited qualities. I have toyed with the concept of addiction — something my mother warned me ran in the family — and intentionally gotten myself addicted to alcohol in order to see what the concepts of addiction and withdrawal mean to me, even to the point of having several of my friends worried for me (though I honestly feel that I’m a safer drinker than most college students — I drink often, yes, but rarely more than two drinks). Oddly, I tried to toy with the same thing with opium (in the form of poppy tea), but never found what was purported to be one of the most intense addictions. The whole experience was rather dull, really. The most comfortable ‘dull’ in the history of my life, yes, but dull. The other substance that one equates with addiction, tobacco, often makes me vomit, so I tend to stay away from it based on a more physical aversion. This ground-state training is more yogic than usual drug use, but certainly pertinent to my explorations. The poison path remains a part of my life. + +Of course, none of any of my hobbies came cheap: I’ve never been one to skimp on quality even when I’m hunting for bargains. Though I come from a rather affluent background, this gave me my first taste of debt, which, to be certain, has gotten rather out of hand as of late. As a result, I’ve gone through one of the more drastic lifestyle changes yet as of late: while I’ve tried to get rid of stuff before, I’ve never done so with as much abandon as I have now. When I began this change in my life to work way from my previous excess and my current comparatively ascetic lifestyle to a happy medium, I laid strict ground rules for myself — family tradition would hold little to no weight, personal value would be based more on how often I used the item in question, and I would not always try to sell for the highest price, for that would often result in the item not selling. Again, this was quite self-centered of me, intended to get me out of debt and into a comfortable life rather than to make me a more worldly person, but I feel that it has certainly contributed and will continue to contribute to constructive growth as a person. + +How does this tie into my personal faith? Well, I don’t suppose it does in a direct way, really. However, faith is not the only aspect in life, and other aspects do need to be taken into account. I think that this has all brought to me a grounding in the more tangible word that surrounds me as well as a clearer idea of how my mind and body work on a more basic level than any amount of introspection and reading can gain. While this spirituality business is certainly an important aspect of my life, of life on a whole, it is not all that one can focus on. There are bills to pay, I’ve found, both literally and figuratively, and one must work out the financial system before one engages in transactions. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/012.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/012.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..067ca274 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/012.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 12 +--- + +*Skill as basis — Ethereal style — Source and sink — Why an artist?* + +The more I took of music theory, the more I got into music composition. While I still hadn’t managed to officially change my major to composition, I did start taking lessons at some point with my theory teacher, and music started to become one of the sole focuses of my life as my appreciation of it started to grow. + +At the same time, I began to try to dissect what music meant to me, and why I felt it important to give up what would’ve been a very lucrative career in biochemistry for a major that will not lead me to making very much money at all. It wasn’t so much that I just ‘heard melodies in my head’ as that I felt the active desire to be creating music. Normally, I suppose that’d be something I could do as a hobby, but I felt the need to excel in music, and the more I performed both in my solo voice lessons and in choir, the more I wanted to create music of my own. I felt that my own ideas were valid and that all I needed was the learned skill to be able to set them down effectively in music that might get a performance. + +The skill came slowly, but with each lesson — both in theory and composition — there were revelations that came not only as ideas for how to do things in the future, but also as understanding to things that I had already been doing in my compositions subconsciously. It was always interesting to learn the how and why of something that I had done after the fact — all I had been doing was trying to achieve an effect, but in reality, I had been borrowing techniques from the early romantic period or using tools of the 20th century composers. + +With this steadily growing foundation of technique, what I was struggling to develop was my own style, more than anything. This is something distinctly hard to do when your total, completed works amass to little more than twenty minutes of music, as mine did at the time. What was even more difficult was hearing all of this music that I liked, playing music ceaselessly, and recognizing that it was spread out widely across eras, styles, and difficulties. I felt that I could never really settle down into one style of writing. + +I suppose I’d heard at some point that your style was that of the music you loved to compose, and, while I’d certainly had fun composing in a good number of styles, most of those were for class, which added a touch of resentment to each piece (I’ve never liked homework). Though I had several personal pieces planned out and in the works, it wasn’t until I got bored one day and whipped out a rather random attempt at writing in a sort of neo-romantic style with some crunchy dissonance and a bit of a jazzy feel that I finally felt that I had settled on something that I truly enjoyed composing in. In particular, it was one of the first uses of rhythm that had really stuck with me in any song, and the melodic theme was one that I had achieved without reaching. As many good fiction writers attest, it was as if the piece wrote itself, and I, as the composer, was occasionally surprised at directions it unintentionally headed in. + +This brought to the forefront an idea that had been bouncing around inside my head from way back in high school. As a composer, I have the fairly unique perspective of music. It’s generally accepted that the composer is the source of the music, the voice is the instrument in choir, which is the ensemble, and the conductor is mostly a glorified metronome, more of a help to the singers than anything; music itself is the art, sound is the medium, and the audience takes in aurally what the instrument produces. I began to perceive things a little differently my perspective, however. What was once a straight-forward system became muddied by the experience of creating music as compared to the experience of performing it: music itself began to resemble what I had thought of the source previously, while the composer turned into a creative moderator of that stream of primordial emotion and sound, modulating it into units and setting them down on paper. The voice, therefore, became the medium and the singers and players the true audience, leaving what had been the audience before to some sort of incidental passers-by who enjoyed what was more like a grainy, blurred representation of the true Music as a concert, or an even blurrier representation on a recording, which lacked the visual aspect. + +As a performer, this was echoed to an extent, though the concept of ‘the art’ was shifted from singing to the process of learning, analyzing, memorizing, and performing songs. It was this, not simply making music, which caused me as a person to grow. This added ’teacher’ to the composer’s role and ’undeniable truth’ to Music’s, while the audience became my graders or, were performing to become my full-time job, my clients. My voice or instrument, then, would be a tool with which I hammered the air into constructive or at least aesthetically pleasing waves. + +What a profession composition turned out to be! Not only was I providing simple enjoyment to the masses, but I was also serving both as teacher to musicians and student to the higher teacher of Music, playing not only with techniques, but with sound at its rawest level. I began to see what I had been attracted to in music, why I had chosen to give up a life of comfort for a less financially viable future, though one in which I could produce such things and influence people in such a way, for I still consider much of the music from my high school years to be an active influence on me. + +So I had become an artist. An artist is, of course, a difficult thing to describe. Very few people have to live by such vague expectations: ours are simply that we create art. Depending on the society or situation, we may have more or less restrictions — such art should be unobtrusive, or should grab the audience’s attention, should please, should evoke emotion, should be easy to perform, and so on. The current world society, in America in particular, is rather unfriendly toward the artist. There’s a very good book on this subject, Art & Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland, and I won’t repeat what they say, other than to offer a quote: “The viewers’ concerns are not your concerns (although it’s dangerously easy to adopt their attitudes.) Their job is whatever it is: to be moved by art, to be entertained by it, to make a killing off it, whatever. Your job is to learn to work on your work.” + +This is all well and good, but what, exactly, did it mean for me financially? I’ve had several ideas — from getting my Ph.D. and teaching to working in Hollywood, to working under a contract for a publishing house, to starting my own self-publishing company. There are many options — none of them will make me a very rich person, and the thought of mixing legal thoughts with musical thoughts is distressing — but the fact remains that, no matter what I do, I’ll be working with music. It seems to me that, having walked this path, the most ideal professional situation for anyone would be the one that connects all aspects of their life to the others, specifically the spiritual aspects to the mundane, real world parts which we can never deny. However impossible, it would allow everyone to be in a situation of the utmost potential for them as a person. diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/013.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/013.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c1b9f865 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/013.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 13 +--- + +*Gellin’ — Hypothesis on Unitarians — Your mileage may vary — A church to call my own?* + +Things were slowly beginning to come together for me. Not only had I settled down in ‘real life’ with my major, but my spiritual ideas were beginning to coalesce into the start of a workable system for myself. Up until this point in life, I had felt little rhyme or reason to my moral system and why I felt so strongly about some things as compared to others. Thought my cautious forays into the realms of religions and, in particular, religious texts, I felt that there was something to be said for basing a secular code on a feeling (I use the word feeling in place of what I had originally written, ’sacred system,’ because, at this point in my life, my morals were hardly founded in anything traditionally considered sacred). + +What I had needed in my life was some guiding force, or a path along which to certainly expand the specificities of my sense of right, wrong, and purpose, but also along which to further my experiences in life through research and action. I was preparing for myself for a course of study with a loose plan of how to live my life in a way that I deemed proper. + +Most all of this was unconscious on my part, of course; although did feel that things were coming together for me in a way that I could follow for the rest of my years, I really didn’t consciously plan out this course of study. Rather, by virtue of what I was figuring out, I found myself drawn to certain sources of information or along certain paths in life, found myself acting in a certain way along a general trend of circumstances. I suppose that, having settled on this, I was both elated and lonely, because this was about the time I started to search for a community of like-minded individuals. + +With such a background, I’m sure that it’s of little surprise that I wound up researching Unitarian Universalism. The lack of dogma or creed, the openness to others, the acceptance of homosexuality, even the important people in the church’s history, such as Emerson appealed to me. Here, I felt that I would find a community of like-minded people in order to share this spiritual journey with me and to talk with openly about it. + +The Unitarian Universalist church is a combination of two previously Christian denominations that united in the mid-twentieth century into a liberal religious sect that encouraged the utmost in freedom. One common activity of Unitarians (to abbreviate) is to come up with an ’elevator’ pitch, a speech describing their church in the time it would take to ride an elevator with someone, so I’ll use mine to describe what I felt the church would mean to me: “Just as you and I are very different people, so too are our paths to truth; Unitarian Universalism embraces this and provides a safe, democratic space in order to encourage exploration in our own ever-changing and interconnected lives.” + +I found this in the Unitarian church only in a very limited quality. What I neglected to take into account was that, even though the congregation was, in general, only there for an hour or two every week, they still had lives and relationships outside of the church. While I did occasionally come across some discussion over the rather standard coffee-hour between the two sermons about either the topic of the sermon or other related issues, most of what I heard from the congregation was something of a mix of what I would hear every day in the music building (that is to say, joking around and hollered greetings) and in my hometown of Boulder (being a good amount of social activism). Perhaps I had expected too much from a church filled with such individualistic people, perhaps I was expecting more of a serious atmosphere devoted towards these subjects, what with the sermon being only one hour out of an entire week. The sermons themselves, while certainly excellent examples of well-thought-out and pertinent material, tended to follow much the same course: social activism was talked about a good deal, much time was spent on such issues as births, deaths, greetings, farewells, and occasionally, a bit of religion might slip in, as well. + +Had I perhaps come to the church a little sooner in my life, I think that I would’ve found it a welcome home in my life, but as it was, my path had turned too far inwards for me to feel comfortable trying to engage in a public activity based around it, especially one so irrelevant to me at the time. As was mentioned to me, half the pull of a spiritual following was finding people to belong with, to which I replied that the consequences of thinking too much — specializing, as it were — led to a feeling more of alienation than acceptance in a group setting, at least with a group that large. + +My ideal congregation would be far from the hundreds that attended the Unitarian church — rather, I feel that the most successful path for growth in this area lies in a smaller group for me. With my strict atheist upbringing, it’s hard enough for me to talk about my beliefs as it is, never mind to share them in a crowd, even if I’m only talking to one person, being surrounded by others hinders my concentration and brings on a feeling of self-consciousness. I’m learning to share more and more, though, as this is testament, and I think that perhaps if I were to find a smaller group of individuals with which to share these ideas and gain personal feedback, I would be much better off. + +The place for such a group is tough for me to decide on. While I welcome the internet and cherish the friends that I’ve made there, I feel that I wind up relying far too much on the fact that I get to read what I’m saying as it comes out, not to mention going back and editing what I’ve written before making it visible to others. Although it’s important to think about what I’m going to say before I say it, this ability stretched to the point of writing makes for a distinctly colored snapshot of what is really on my mind, as if I had taken a picture and then altered the result on a computer before showing it off — the true image isn’t what is presented. + +I did, for a while, have a half-serious Discordian ‘Qabal’ (for nothing Discordian is going to be completely serious), a group of two or three friends that I would talk about these things to in fast-paced chat sessions online. I’ve thought about porting such an idea over to real life, were I to find such a group. Perhaps in these matters, though I feel that it would be unwise to have such a structured environment. With ideas that come spur-of-the-moment, it’s tough to hold them back until the next meeting of an ongoing Socratic discussion on individual beliefs! I suppose my idea of a congregation, then, is a group of friends who regularly get together to hang out, discussing these ideas as they come up. Perhaps finding myself amongst friends, I simply need to learn to open up on matters such as this: if such talk started up, who knows what would come of it? diff --git a/writing/ally/manifesto-project/014.md b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/014.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..da3529d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/manifesto-project/014.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +weight: 14 +--- + +*The system of the Self — Cards and stars — Chaos rears her beautiful head* + +Mysticism, I’ve heard it said, consists of interpreting literal things symbolically and symbolic things literally. Of course, this is only part of the truth, I believe. For one, the definition is missing the word ’constructively’ in one or two places, not to mention the fact that mystics themselves would certainly have a bit to say about their matter, concerning their own mysticism. Rather, I think that mysticism is a little more in depth than any definition is going to provide. + +To me, mysticism represents an attempt at a conscious application of a spiritual or otherwise internalized system. A system is defined in The Harper-Collins Concise Guide to World Religions as meaning “all phenomena pertaining to a single unit are interrelated and integrated into a complex structure that generates them. Being a mental process, this system follows the tracks created by the computational rules of the mind. This is its only ‘logic’ (which may not be ‘logical’ at all according to the standards of formal logic).” From out of the densities and vagaries of this academic definition, I’ve formed my own definition of the system, perhaps applicable only to myself, as an intuitive and seemingly orderly procession and description of a set of rules or actions followed for internal or spiritual reasons. I call it both a procession and a description because I think that a system can be taken both as a noun and a verb: beyond being just a set of rules, it is the process of following or living that set of rules. + +A good (and pertinent) example of this would be that of divination. A good portion of all of the systems of divination rely on an underlying set of interrelated rules and processes connected in some way to some aspect of the unknown. This is perfectly standard, taken in the context of mysticism: a system is being put into conscious use by the diviner, applying what may seem to some a nonexistent element of the unknown, be it divinity, ghosts, or something vague and new-agey. + +At the point in my life when this became pertinent, I was dealing specifically with the archetypes represented in a deck of tarot cards. My approach to mysticism was, however, not a very whole-hearted one: I saw the usefulness in creative, conscious, and constructive application of a system to my life or to some particular exercise, but I saw no reason to deal with such controversial aspects of the unknown. Mine was the approach of logic to tarot. + +One of the oft-repeated complaints my mom had with such systems (astrology and horoscopes being the most commonly mentioned) was that they were too vague, made instead to fit just about any situation and anyone’s life. While I initially agreed with her, further thinking on the subject turned this problem into the major applicable part of the systems of aided introspection. Where before the vagaries of language were an enemy seducing the weak-minded, they now became a tool of anyone wishing to look within. + +This changed my view of tarot, however. What is commonly accepted as a form of divination, as a way to look into the future, became instead a mirror into the self. The subtleties of language brought forth by the applications of archetypes to oneself made clear some of the goings-on in the subconscious. On an even more logical level, when read in relation to a specific problem or issue, the cards provided an outlook perhaps not seen before: the patterns exposed by a series of archetypes laid in some order in relation to a problem provided a random scenario in relation to the problem upon which the mind could build a new viewpoint on the issue at hand. + +This, then, was how I approached tarot and stood as my first ‘tangible’ exploration into practical applications of these internal and slightly more spiritual aspects of my life. Not only had the cards become a tool for me to view the inner workings of myself, but I began to, as my friend \*\*\*\* put it, “think in archetypes,” particularly those shown in the deck of tarot cards. This was the ‘verb’ part of the system: application. Each archetype provided a means for self-improvement by laying bare the root of the issue at hand. For a rather pertinent example, the card The Heirophant loosely represents religion, or at least religion as a system: a framework upon which to build one’s own system, an individual faith. However, it can also represent being stuck in that framework of rules, being caught up in the church while forgetting the religion for which it stands as a house. While “thinking in archetypes” this became, for me, a guide: many ideas that crop up in my life should be taken as guidelines upon which I can build myself and grow into a better person. + +This logical approach to the cards did not omit that connection to the unknown, but took it in its own context. Just as I saw the cards as a tool for introspection instead of divination (for how could I even pretend to lord over time?), I saw the connection to the unknown as inherent chaos instead of spirits choosing the order of the cards for me. Perhaps due to my Discordian background, the chaos became an important part of cartomancy for me. I began, over time, to eschew spreads as an element of order, preferring instead for a more chaotic approach to laying down any number of cards. The subconscious was not an ordered entity for me, so I felt that if I were to lay the cards out in an ordered fashion, my conscious mind was more likely to impose order on what thoughts my subconscious had on the pattern of archetypes shown. + +Thinking on this, chaos was, to me, the largest of limits on our free will. Only through chaos could we recognize how little control we had over our lives. It affirmed the individuality of our own personal system by pointing out that the systems of others truly have nothing to do with ours, and that as a result, other people are truly among the greatest of outside influences in our lives. This chaos is a personable chaos and the cards showed how external influences can’t be changed, but that the self can be changed to deal with these influences. 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+Movement 1->Movement 2 + + + + + +Movement 3 + + +Movement 3 + + + + + +Movement 2->Movement 3 + + + + + +Movement 4 + + +Movement 4 + + + + + +Movement 3->Movement 4 + + + + + +Movement 5 + + +Movement 5 + + + + + +Movement 4->Movement 5 + + + + + +Movement 6 + + +Movement 6 + + + + + +Movement 5->Movement 6 + + + + + +Movement 7 + + +Movement 7 + + + + + +Movement 6->Movement 7 + + + + + +Movement 8 + + +Movement 8 + + + + + +Movement 7->Movement 8 + + + + + +Movement 9 + + +Movement 9 + + + + + +Movement 8->Movement 9 + + + + + diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/001.md b/writing/ally/movement/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f3a1ed13 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-15 +weight: 1 +--- + +I will be the first to admit that it is difficult to write about mental health, as is certainly evidenced here already, and in countless other projects where I've tried to get that across. Even when talking about it, my voice is filled with ellipses and my words littered with hedges, fillers, and all sorts of metalinguistic dross. + +> That you later had to learn to use those consciously, to string like-and-if-um-but-so through your words like fairy lights to anchor your pitch is neither here nor there. + +And that's transition stuff. A totally different side-quest. Don't distract me. + +> Right. And yet here you are, distracted, talking about how difficult it is to write about mental health. + +Touché. + +That I'll be the first to admit that doesn't excuse the way others treat it. Of course, there's countless words to be spent on the way media treats it, or the way writers treats things like psychosis, but the experience is so often so poorly researched that it hits the point of not even wrong. + +Take, for example, Orson Scott Card. + +> There's a juicy one. + +Much to be said on him, yes, but take *Xenocide* and *Children of the Mind* as examples on this topic in particular. Take the World of Path. Take this supposed obsessive-compulsive disorder that plagues some of its inhabitants. + +> Is it wrong? + +It's not even wrong. It's based on a lack of experience. It's based on this societal view of OCD, not the experience of it. + +> You sound bitter. + +I have a problem with compulsions. Not-even-wrong-ness surrounding them touches on a sort of meta-compulsion: a need to be understood strong enough that, when +I'm misunderstood, it itches. It gets a liquid flip of my hand and touch of thumb to palm. It triggers cascading compulsions. + +To then make that entertainment, to make that a hook for a plot, well. + +> Was it really so off-base? Did the symptoms not fit? + +Not all of them. + +> And yet the plot hook is that it was artificial in the first place. That's sort of the point, right? Fei-tzu and Qing-jao are saddled with this form of compulsive behavior that's the side effect of something else, not OCD in and of itself. Was it really so off-base, or are you just upset at seeing part of --- but not all of --- yourself? + +I don't know. + +> Are you just upset that you can't stay still; that you have other, unrelated problems with compulsion; and that these two are then correlated in a fictional genetic disorder where they are not correlated for you? + +Straight homeward to the symbol essence, is it? + +> Yes. + +Let's talk about movement disorders, then. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/002.md b/writing/ally/movement/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..feaece7f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-15 +weight: 2 +--- + +Everyone, I suspect, deals with movement in a different way. Some are content to sit still where others have to move. Some must move, and it is a part of their personality. Some cannot move and it is a part of their physiology. + +And some must move because it is an aching necessity. There is no "if they do not move, then..." statement to be made. They must move. They can't *not* move. + +> It started as a twitch, you said, as a slight nod of the head. + +Or perhaps it started earlier, I don't know. + +> Perhaps it was all caused by the meds, or perhaps it was presaged by some other restlessness that started years before. + +Perhaps, but does it matter? + +> If it was the meds' fault, you could blame them, but if it was unrelated, you would be able blame yourself. If it was the meds' fault, you could stop, if it was unrelated, you would take that as permission to feel broken. + +Yes, I suppose it does matter, then. That said, I have no answer for that. I just know that it started with a twitch, a slight nod of the head. My fingers would duck up away from the keyboard as though suddenly burned by the keys. I would go and sit in my car over lunch and wring my hands over and over again, occasionally trying to force myself to hold onto the shifter and the door handle, and the tremors would travel up my arms. + +Eventually, at some undefinable point, it made its way up into my neck. + + + +I never knew how to explain it. + +> How would you now, with seven years' experience under your belt? + +"Transient tic disorder". Maybe not so transient before it disappeared, back when I thought it was going to just stick around forever. + +> That's what it's called, but how would you get it across? + +Sobbing? Frustration? Humor? I had a whole comedy set prepared for it, in case I, for some reason, needed to do a stand-up routine. + +
As you can see, I have a motor tick on my neck that makes me jerk my head to the side and do stuff with my hands. This is because I have transient tic disorder, or as I like to call it, tourettes with holidays. + +It makes work life interesting. I stare at a screen all day at my job. Or, well, I stare at my screen and also a point on the wall right about *point* there. It's sort of a timeshare. + +I could probably get jobs doing other things, though. Some contract work. Like, hey! Need someone to shake their head 'no' at something? I'm your gal. Or maybe you need someone to urgently point something out out with their chin over *point* there. I'd be good at that. + +Now, there's a few jobs I won't be good at. Surgeon? Probably not. Bomb squad? That's a definite nope. Professional staring competition participant? I'd be right out. I couldn't win a staring competition with a three year old who's just discovered espresso. + +I actually learned about all this tic nonsense at work. It started back in 2012 when it slowly started up over the course of a few days. Went on to find out that it's made worse by stress *lean to the side* stand-up, of course, being the least stressful of occupations *lean back* But no, I worked in health insurance. Health insurance in America as Obamacare is kicking in? Yeah, not exactly a stress-free environment. + +Now, this is mostly a motor tic. I don't have the verbal tics that folks associate with tourettes. However, it does make me stutter when it gets bad. If you've never stuttered before,I can tell you that it's infuriating, so, honestly, I didn't need a verbal tic to get me cussing all the time. + +So there's me sitting in meetings with other insurance companies, shaking my head 'no' to everything they say, and when I try to correct myself, it comes out "I mean ye-yes FUCK sorry". I got really good at the whole FUCK-sorry combo.
+ +And so on. + +> How effective do you think that would be on those conference calls with Lewis as you were stuttering away? + +I don't think I could manage. At that point, it was embarrassing enough to have picked up a stutter, a movement disorder that I never explained to my boss or the PM. To acknowledge it to the client would have been mortifying. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/003.md b/writing/ally/movement/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4d19101a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-15 +weight: 3 +--- + +When I was interviewing for Canonical, the tic had not yet started, or at least not yet to the point where it was affecting my neck or my voice. By the time I *did* start at Canonical, it was well underway. + +Much to my chagrin, not only was I stuttering at the time, but the job required daily video calls. + +> You begged off the first few, putting the blame on hardware failures. After the third day, Gary gently suggested that you consider fixing the hardware issues so that the team even knew what you looked like. + +It was embarrassing. Hangouts couldn't even keep up with it. The video was jittery and blurred, my face only in focus for maybe half of the time. + +And then, within a few days, it cleared up and went away. + +> The stress of the previous job, of interviewing and those last two weeks, all suddenly relieved in one fell swoop. + +Yes. + +> And then it came back. + +As we all worked from home, the company had us get together in one location four or five times a year for a week at a time in order to work face-to-face and accomplish far more than we would otherwise. They called them sprints, an apt enough comparison. + +Copenhagen, though, was different. It was a cascading set of stressors that culminated in, yes, the tic coming back. Two weeks long, with the first half being the developer summit, followed by a week of sprinting. The core product being rewritten. Zephyr getting attacked by another dog while I was away. The hotel, that building [canted over to the side at a precarious 15° along two axes](/movement/copenhotel.jpg), a nightmare on the acrophobia side. + +The tic started up, then got worse and worse. + + + +It was about this time that I started getting closer to Robin, and by the time we had our first real time together at FC 2013, I had shaken my sense of balance from myself and walked with a cane. "You have a cane," she said, part confused, partly out of acknowledgment. + +"Yeah, I lost my balance with the tic." + +"That's okay." + +And then we hugged. + +> Not all of it was your balance. Some of it was an apology. + +Yes. Someone with a movement disorder who pretends it isn't there is, in some ineffable way, sadder than someone who at least makes some public acknowledgment that, yes, this is happening. The cane helped. People would see me shaking my head, see me shaky on my feet, and then see the cane and know, "Ah yes, *this* is happening." + +> You happened to pass by one of the attendees from the data panel shortly after, and overheard him telling his friend, "That was a really cool panel, but I think he had Parkinson's or something. Every time he would get more interested in what he was talking about, it would get worse." + +Yes. Part of me was embarrassed, sure, but part of me was relieved to be seen. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/004.md b/writing/ally/movement/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b430819b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +weight: 4 +--- + +Bit by bit, little by little, the tic once again slid from my life. Enough stressors had gone or were on their way out that I was gaining stillness. + +I spent more and more days with fewer and fewer tics. I relished in the stillness. + +> Like that glass of water that's the perfect temperature. Like fresh-from-the-vine tomatoes. Like city-glow reflected on a winter cloud ceiling while you're under the covers in bed. + +It left for quite a while, and when it did come back, it did for only a day or two at a time. I eventually went a year without. Maybe two. I don't remember. + +> And then you forgot. + +And then I forgot. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/005.md b/writing/ally/movement/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8f29a2d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +weight: 5 +--- + +
Suicide mention
+ +My journey through medication has been long and storied. + +> Tell me. + +In time. + +All meds come with side effects, of course. If you take too much lithium, I found, you cycle rapidly through moods, start vomiting, and the right side of your body goes weak. When you go off fluoxetine, you get what are called brain zaps, which is rather like the feeling of missing a step on a staircase and slipping safely down to the one below it; that sense of unbalance and terror and near miss, followed by relief and surety repeated once every few seconds. + +> When you take anxiolytics and your life is a mess beyond simple anxiety disorders, you dissociate so hard that you try to kill yourself. + +I said later. + +> Continue. + +Thank you. + +Well, when you take antipsychotics for long enough, you run the risk of movement disorders. That was something that had originally crossed my mind when the tic first started, except I wasn't on any of the relevant meds at the time. + +> And you didn't think to bring it up when you started on olanzapine. + +No. + +> Nor when you switched to quetiepine, or from there to lurasidone. + +No. + +> Why? + +March 10, 2018: + +
I stayed away from reading too much about my own mental health problems for a long time because I'm not a doctor, and have seen what trying to be smarter than one's doctor can do. In fact, I stayed away from reading most anything about these things for a long time, until I realized I needed SOME language to describe what was going on to my docs.
+ +> And how did that work? + +
With a recent physical health problem cropping up, I decided that my embargo wasn't worth keeping up in that instance. Of course, almost immediately after, I suffered a crash and decided to do a bunch of reading on bipolar, and you know, it's a real shitmess.
+
+I had thought I'd have a chance at normalcy, that I'd get better over time, that - and here I should've been tipped off to the impossibility of the scenario - I'd be able to return to some previous golden era of Madison.
+ +> And the physical health problem? + +A movement disorder. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/006.md b/writing/ally/movement/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..db155576 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,114 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +weight: 6 +--- + +## 2019 ICD-10-CM Diagnosis Code F95.0 + +Transient tic disorder + +### Applicable To + +* Provisional tic disorder + +The following code(s) above F95.0 contain annotation back-references +that may be applicable to F95.0: + +* **F01-F99** + Mental, Behavioral and Neurodevelopmental disorders +* **F90-F98** + Behavioral and emotional disorders with onset usually occurring in childhood and adolescence + +### Approximate Synonyms + +* Recurrent transient tic disorder +* Tic disorder, childhood, transient +* Tic disorder, transient +* Tic disorder, transient, recurrent +* Tic, transient childhood +* Transient childhood tic + +ICD-10-CM F95.0 is grouped within Diagnostic Related Group(s) (MS-DRG v36.0): + +* 091 Other disorders of nervous system with mcc +* 092 Other disorders of nervous system with cc +* 093 Other disorders of nervous system without cc/mcc + +----- + +## 2019 ICD-10-CM Diagnosis Code G25.71 + +Drug induced akathisia + +### Applicable To + +* Drug induced acathisia +* Neuroleptic induced acute akathisia +* Tardive akathisia + +The following code(s) above G25.71 contain annotation back-references +that may be applicable to G25.71: + +* **G00-G99** + Diseases of the nervous system +* **G25** + Other extrapyramidal and movement disorders +* **G25.7** + Other and unspecified drug induced movement disorders + +### Approximate Synonyms + +* Acute akathisia caused by drug +* Drug induced acute akathisia +* Drug-induced akathisia +* Neuroleptic induced acute akathisia +* Tardive akathisia + +### Clinical Information + +* A condition associated with the use of certain medications and characterized by an internal sense of motor restlessness often described as an inability to resist the urge to move. + +ICD-10-CM G25.71 is grouped within Diagnostic Related Group(s) (MS-DRG v36.0): + +* 056 Degenerative nervous system disorders with mcc +* 057 Degenerative nervous system disorders without mcc + +----- + +## 2019 ICD-10-CM Diagnosis Code G24.01 + +Drug induced subacute dyskinesia + +### Applicable To + +* Drug induced blepharospasm +* Drug induced orofacial dyskinesia +* Neuroleptic induced tardive dyskinesia +* Tardive dyskinesia + +The following code(s) above G24.01 contain annotation back-references +that may be applicable to G24.01: + +* **G00-G99** + Diseases of the nervous system +* **G24** + Dystonia +* **G24.0** + Drug induced dystonia + +### Approximate Synonyms + +* Dyskinesia, subacute, drug induced +* Neuroleptic induced tardive dyskinesia +* Subacute dyskinesia due to drug +* Tardive dyskinesia + +### Clinical Information + +* Iatrogenic extrapyramidal disorder produced by long-term administration of antipsychotic drugs; characterized by oral/lingual/buccal dyskinesias and choreoathetoid movements of the extremities. + +ICD-10-CM G24.01 is grouped within Diagnostic Related Group(s) (MS-DRG v36.0): + +* 091 Other disorders of nervous system with mcc +* 092 Other disorders of nervous system with cc +* 093 Other disorders of nervous system without cc/mcc diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/007.md b/writing/ally/movement/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..00255961 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,70 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +weight: 7 +--- + +There is a certain unique agony to akathisia. When I was in the hospital after surgery, and even for weeks afterwards, I was dead convinced that the problem I was going through was related to temperature. Part of this, no doubt, was due to the weather warming up followed by, toward the end of my inpatient stay there, the climate control in the room going out, leaving it a sweltering (to me) seventy-six degrees. + +> What you didn't take into account was the fact that you have a hard time sitting down for an hour at a time, never mind being confined to bed rest laying on your back only for five days straight. + +Even so, for weeks afterwards, I was desperate to do anything I could to stay cool. I picked up an ice cream habit that I'm still fall into regularly. I installed a window A/C unit. At one point, I even contemplated sleeping in the garage where it was cooler at night due to the lack of insulation. + +> Judith visited toward the end of this period. You did everything you could to keep the rooms you stayed in on the road trip to the bay as cool as possible. The bay, where A/C just isn't a thing. + +Yes. And shortly after that, I learned about akathisia. + +I say 'shortly after', when it was likely during that trip when I realized I felt the most relief from the symptoms by moving. The constriction imposed upon me by recovery had lessened over time until I was able to go for that hike with Judith, Robin, and Josh, and suddenly I realized that I felt better than I had in a while. + +I just learned the word for it shortly after, the name. And by naming a thing, hoped to gain some sort of power over it. + +
Alv pinned his ears back against his head as he stomped down the length of the block. His boots were too much for the drizzle that the weather offered, but it was that or his threadbare sneakers, and some tiny part of his mind had done the calculation without the rest of him knowing, and he'd tugged the heavy things on for the walk.
+ +> Because of course you have a furry story about akathisia. + +Write what you know. + +
The air inside had grown too stuffy for the old fisher, or perhaps his eyes had grown too tired of reading, or maybe it was something in his joints, a feeling of too much space that needed to be compressed down. The solution, no matter the problem, was to move.
+
+His third time around the block, knees and hips aching from walking in work boots that were never meant for the task, and Alv still hadn't figured out what it was that kept driving him out of the house. He'd walk, day after day, until his tail drooped and his feet started dragging. Sometimes, like today, he'd circle the block. Some days he'd drive the mile to the supermarket and walk aimlessly up and down each aisle, eventually picking up a drink or a snack, just to make the trip worth it. Other days, he'd just pace in his building's parking lot.
+
+He didn't think.
+
+Or maybe he thought too much. Maybe that was it. Maybe the fisher's every step was taken to crush too many thoughts beneath the soles of his boots, pressing the life out of them through the sheer weight of his restlessness.
+ +> And you would, too. You'd walk and walk and walk, hoping that perhaps you could walk the thoughts out of you. + +Yes. + +
He didn't know what it was that, day by day, drove him to his feet, drove him to walk until he couldn't walk anymore. He just knew that if he didn't, that ache within him, that burning, that itch would continue to grow, and he'd start to feel like his heart was being extruded through his rib cage, like his fur was coming out in clumps, like he couldn't possibly breathe deep enough.
+
+His wife, gone now these five years, had been fond of calling him a restless soul. He wasn't sure that he was capable of believing in a soul, nor that this increasingly restless state of being was confined to something so intangible. He was just restless.
+
+Just. Only.
+
+That's all he was. There was nothing to him except restlessness. After Naomi's death, he'd slowly become less and less of a person, until all that was left was the urge to move, the terror over being confined to one place for any length of time.
+
+His tail starting to sag, the fisher could feel all the calm he'd accumulated through the walk start to ebb, the tide of anxiety creeping in from the edges, from his fur inwards. One last trip around the block, he figured, was all he could manage before resting again.
+ +> Write what you know. + +Yes. Furry is a framework. Apply an experience to that framework and see what you get. + +> Sure, but we've already been over that. + +Yes. + +> Write what you know. Write about the way pacing slowly moved from its status as nervous habit to a necessity, to an ache. Write about how there was no relief in walking, just a drive, an itch you could never scratch but were nonetheless required to try. Write, and cast those words upon something else, upon someone else, so that you can look on them and say, "Ah yes, **this** is happening." + +
By the time he made it around to his building again, Alv was well and truly sore, knees and hips aching from the repetitive motion of stomping around the block. Still, he couldn't bring himself to head up to his apartment quite yet. The idea of being closed in such a space held negative appeal. Something about the thought of four walls was actively repulsive.
+
+So he sat on the damp stoop and watched the trees across the street.
+
+The drizzle had dried up---though he hadn't noticed when---and all that was left was the occasional pat of drop on leaf as some bit of water got too heavy and sought a new home closer to the ground. There was just that gentle sound. Despite the hour, the street was empty of traffic, as though the shoddy weather had chased everyone inside.
+
+"Would that my soul were that calm," he mumbled to the bare street at last and levered himself up creakily, climbing the rest of the stairs to head inside.
+ +> Write what you know but don't yet understand. + +Maybe I can get closer that way. + +> Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/008.md b/writing/ally/movement/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e0367cb --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +weight: 8 +--- + +Only five months after I figured out just what akathisia was, the disorder evolved into something more dramatic. Whereas the tic, whether or not it was iatrogenic, affected mostly my neck and only rarely my wrists, this new form of drug-induced movement disorder affected most of my upper body, dystonia alternating between athetosis and chorea; between a fluid, graceful swimming of limbs to a tense, rigid posture with repetitive jerking movements. + + + +It was infuriating and humiliating --- and before you interrupt, no, I will not talk about kink. + +> You know me so well. + +I suppose I do. + +To be unable to hold still is one thing. Jerking my head to the side once every few seconds with the tic was embarrassing enough. I often worried that I'd be mistaken for some sort of junkie, hopped up on something or another. I even had my doctor write a letter explaining what was happening that I could bring with me when I traveled. + +> But you were still functional. + +Yes. I could still work. I could still drive and walk and pick things up and eat. + +> Now you couldn't. Now your hand would jerk back from picking things up or hitting the keys. Now you would walk with a hitch in your stride as a spasm rolled along your side. Now you wouldn't feel safe behind the wheel. + +I mostly just shut myself in my house. I left twice. Once to see a friend for some company, and once to go to therapy. I stood in the lobby while my therapist had a small chat with a coworker, struggling to keep still with my hands buried in my pockets, and broke down crying once we made it to the room. + +She had a solution --- or a set of solutions --- that we could try. One medication, benzatropine, to start with, one fallback medication, tetrabenazine, and a intensive vitamin regimen to start on right away. Picking them up at the pharmacy on the way home was another source of tears, as the pharmacist, reading off the screen, said, "This is for twitching? Involuntary movements?" and I nodded, more a jitter than an intentional motion, as my hands wandered off along strange hyperbolae, unable to speak for the tears. + +> And then, Thanksgiving. + +Yes. Thanksgiving, and my dad visiting. + +> He had seen the tic before, at least. + +Well, yes, but as mentioned, these movements carried along a whole new set of connotations with them. Suddenly I was unable to have a basic conversation without the pauses that come with those moments of fixed posture. Suddenly I was unable to get a bite to eat without engaging in my geste antagoniste, resting my chin on the back of my hand with my wrist twisted around unnaturally. + +> Suddenly you were painfully, visibly vulnerable in front of him. + +Yes. + +And at a restaurant. A dinner that cost him eight hundred dollars for the four of us. + +> At one point, he asked you what was wrong and you tried not to cry as you mumbled, "I'm just having a hard time holding still." + +No one mentioned it, after that. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/009.md b/writing/ally/movement/009.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5e2d68c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/009.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +weight: 9 +--- + +> And now you're still again. + +Sometimes. One of the treatments worked, though I'm not sure which. One of them caused vertigo and nausea, though I'm not sure which. But even after I went off them, I'm usually still. + +> Is that not enough? + +It's certainly better, don't get me wrong. The stress of driving will bring out the dance-like turn of my arm. An interview a few weeks ago went poorly after the twitching and twirling got bad enough to prevent me from focusing on the problem at hand. A distressing scene in a movie will leave me paralyzed and rigid in my seat, posture unnatural and unnerving. + +Judith reassured me that it looked like I was stretching, that it was less distressing than the tic. + +> You still apologized. You apologized to all of your partners the first time they saw it, and countless times after. + +Yes. I explained and explained, hoping they'd forgive me. + +> For what? For being less than perfect? + +For being vulnerable. Even after so long away from my dad and Jay, it's ingrained in me that vulnerability is a personal failing. Or perhaps it's more general: perhaps vulnerability is worth apologizing for because of some hereditary reason. Perhaps I'm apologizing to my ancestors, to the human race, for being less than they hoped for, for being a disappointment. + +> How very human of you. + +My therapist apologized to me on one stressy day when I was visibly struggling to stay still. She said she felt bad for having caused this. I rushed to reassure her that, no, it probably wasn't her fault, that I'd been on the antipsychotics for a while before ever meeting her. That the tic started back in 2012 before I'd even started those. + +> You apologized for the fact that she felt the need to apologize. + +Well, yes. + +> It's not your fault either, you know. + +On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don't. Or can't. diff --git a/writing/ally/movement/_index.md b/writing/ally/movement/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..57bf175d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/movement/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#e6e6fa' +color: '#200' +quote: '#422' +back: '/23' +--- + + diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-08-28-massive-reorg.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-08-28-massive-reorg.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..33d43f3c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-08-28-massive-reorg.md @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-28 +title: Massive organization +type: news +--- + +Ergodic literature should leave you wondering whether or not you've even read it all. + + + +[![The new map](/map.png)](/map) + +This big reorganization intentionally makes the project far less linear and, in a way, more difficult to navigate. Ergodic literature takes work. Hypertextual art should be truly hypertextual. + +> Countdown to Maddy including transclusion. + +Don't tempt me. + +As an affordance for this increased difficulty, I'll be providing news updates with each content update stating what's been added or changed. + +### New content + +* [Writing 1](/writing) +* [Writing 2](/writing/2) +* [Writing 3](/writing/3) diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-08-29-writing-about-writing.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-08-29-writing-about-writing.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c5ca438c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-08-29-writing-about-writing.md @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-29 +title: Writing about writing +--- + +When my therapist asked about what the plot of this writing project was, I told her it was about the ways in which creativity interacted with the important facets of my life. + + + +I'm not totally convinced that's true, but it's at least providing more fodder. + +### New content + +* [Writing 4](/writing/4) +* [Writing 5](/writing/5) +* [Writing 6](/writing/6) +* [Writing 7](/writing/7) +* [Music](/writing/music) +* [Agony and Ecstasy](/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy) +* [Ally 18](/18) + +### Updated content + +* The [map](/map) has been updated to be a *bit* less confusing. +* [Birds 4](/birds/4) and [Birds 5](/birds/5) have swapped places. +* [Ally 4](/4), [Ally 5](/5), and [Ally 6](/6) have cycled positions. +* [Poet and Mystic 13](/poet-and-mystic/13) updated to link to Agony and Ecstasy. diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-09-02-catastrophically-maddy.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-02-catastrophically-maddy.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..61a3fe47 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-02-catastrophically-maddy.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-02 +title: Catastrophically Maddy +--- + +> You seem to be working ever close to some platonic perfection of what means to be Maddy. + + + +Yeah, this is one of those things where I seem to have looped all the way around from being proud of a work to being vaguely ashamed of it. + +> It's not bad, it's just very Maddy. Intensely Maddy. Catastrophically Maddy. + +Right. + +So for those who are keeping track of all the goofy ergodic shit I do with my friend here-- + +> Ally, not friend. + +Right. So for those who are keeping track, so far we have had: + +* A site map generated using GraphViz +* Flashing GIFs of art of my fursoñas faces pinned to the page by their third eyes. +* A guided meditation session accompanied by disjointed noise music which grows in intensity as the text corrupts. +* A foxy face peering over a wall thinking grawlix at you. +* A somewhat magical sigil that spins. + +It's time to take that one step further, so the next section is told through git commits for the source code for this site. + +> When do we get an ARG? And I'm still waiting on transclusion, by the way. + +Give it time. + +### New content + +* [Software](https://github.com/makyo/ally.drab-makyo.com/pull/4) + +### Updated content + +* [Ally 18](/18) diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-09-10-metacosmology.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-10-metacosmology.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7c643b52 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-10-metacosmology.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-10 +title: Metacosmology +--- + +Well, that was pleasant, in the usual harrowing sort of way. + + + +> Yes. A talk over coffee. Pastries. Johnny Cash and the sound of bakery's oven being cleaned a low accompaniment for us. + +Do you feel like more was resolved? + +> 'Resolved', as a word, does not feel like it's something that should apply to this project. + +Right. + +### New content + +* [ally 19](/19) through [ally 22](/22) + +### Updated content + +* The software side-quest was copied over from GitHub and now [mirrored here](/writing/software) for ease of reading. Within the project, links will still point to the PR, though, because, like...c'mon. It's me. diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-09-16-moving.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-16-moving.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..56ba15a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-16-moving.md @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-16 +title: Moving +--- + +If I could find just the correct movement, joints in all the right places, each curving arc of my hands as fluid as could be, and just *make* it, perhaps I could hold still. + + + +> In a frictionless vacuum, perhaps, but you don't live in one. + +There must be some equation to define it. Some mathematical perfection. + +> You know as well as I that those don't always map to reality, messy as it is. + +Great. + +### New content + +* [ally 23](/23) and [ally 24](/24) +* [Movement](/movement) + +### Updated content + +* [ally 19](/19) --- the ally and I swapped roles. diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-09-24-coping-mechanisms.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-24-coping-mechanisms.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..afe0a2e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-09-24-coping-mechanisms.md @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ +--- +title: Coping mechanisms +date: 2019-09-24 +--- + +The upside to a complicated two-and-a-half week visit following shortly after a complicated two-and-a-half week visit is that I have rather a lot to talk about. The downside is that getting back into the rhythm is difficult. + + + +> No one ever said this would be easy. + +Well, sure, but that phrase is usually applied to something more emotional than the sheer mechanics of getting back into the writing flow. + +> It's all work. None of the work will be easy, emotional or mechanical. + +Fair enough. + +> Besides, is what you wrote about easy stuff? + +### New content + +* [ally 25](/25) through 27 +* [Polyamory 4](/poly/4) through 6 +* [Sex](/sex) and [kink](/sex/kink) +* You can now view content posted [chronologically](/chronology) + +### Updated content + +* Some tuning on [the front page](/). diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a8ab4922 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-10 +title: Heavy shit +--- + +
Suicide and self-harm
+ +This took forever to write. + + + +> You had lots going on. + +Well, still. Even if I had lots going on, it would have been nice to have actually gotten some more done. International flights have to be good for something. + +> Also, you're depressed. + +That too. + +> You sent yourself to the ER with some stormy brainweather and a bit more pressure on the blade than you intended. + +I'm so tired. + +> Yeah. + +### New content + +* [Suicide](/self-harm/suicide) +* [ally 27](/27) +* I wrote a lot about gender but I'm not ready to show it yet. + +### Updated content + +* Added some stuff to [agony and ecstasy](/agony-and-ecstasy) diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-11-01-genderful.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-11-01-genderful.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..47a01e7e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-11-01-genderful.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-11-01 +title: Genderful +--- + +> Finally getting around to this topic, hmm? + + + +Yes. It only took a few months. + +> Right. I was honestly a little shocked that you haven't gotten to it sooner. + +I have, just sideways. I came at it all crabbed. + +## New content + +* [Gender](/gender) diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-12-20-im-upset.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-12-20-im-upset.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..30e09327 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-12-20-im-upset.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-20 +title: "I'm upset" +--- + +Are you? + + + +> Yes. + +Why? + +> You have this project that's deeply interesting to you, deeply personal, and you let the world get in the way of that. + +So? Was the stuff I was dealing with not important? + +> It was. + +So what's the problem? + +> The problem is that the stuff that you were dealing with was all about how the stuff that you were dealing with was not interesting, not personal. The stuff that you were dealing with was about your disconnection from yourself. + +Should I have done differently? + +> No. I'm simply registering the fact that I'm upset. + +Fair. + +## New content + +* [ally 28](/28) and [29](/29) +* [Burnout](/burnout) +* Okay but actually [gender](/gender) for real diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2019-12-26-words.md b/writing/ally/news/2019-12-26-words.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..465c5db4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2019-12-26-words.md @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-26 +title: Words +--- + +🌢 + + +
+🌢
+     🌢     🌢
+    🌢
+
+  🌢        🌢      🌢
+
+
+         🌢     🌢
+
+    🌢
+        🌢
+
+ +> Graphomania is not writing on the walls with the blood from your fingertips, scraped clean of flesh. + +But it's not *not* that, either. + +### New content + +* [Overflowing](/poet-and-mystic/overflowing) diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md b/writing/ally/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f8da230c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +title: On surgery +date: 2020-01-02 +--- + +Four hundred lines of verse about surgery. + + + +> Because of course. + +I just want to live up to the archetype I've set for myself. + +### New Content + +* About half of [surgery](/gender/surgery), with the other half being Post-op Images, which was written during recovery. diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2020-01-15-trains.md b/writing/ally/news/2020-01-15-trains.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e86a384c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2020-01-15-trains.md @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +title: "Trains" +--- + +Long trip, long trip. + +> Is this honestly the best use of it? + + +What's wrong with talking about difficult subjects when you're prevented from doing literally anything else? No cell reception, might as well rip open old wounds. Two train rides and a bellyful of antisleepy. Long trip. + +### New Content + +* [Sex 5](/sex/5) through [Sex 10](/sex/10) +* [Rape](/sex/rape) + +### Updated content + +* [Earlier sex sections](/sex) have been pretty heavily edited. diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2020-02-21-book.md b/writing/ally/news/2020-02-21-book.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a202df43 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2020-02-21-book.md @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-21 +title: Book +--- + +> A book? + +Yes. + +> Why? + + + +A question I struggle with just as much as you. + +> Obviously. Best guess, then. + +Best guess, this project has become important to me and integral to my writing in a way that I can't really express without waxing maudlin about writing again. It's something I've poured time and love and blood and sweat and tears into. I'm proud of it. + +> Is it not enough as it stands? + +It's great as it stands. It's just that I'd also love to see this as a production that I can show to others. Something I can see on others' bookshelves. Something I can maybe see in a bookstore. + +> Why the struggle, then? Why not just publish it and accept your pride? + +Who am I to say my life is interesting enough to put in front of other people's eyes? How can I possibly suggest that my words are worth reading when they are about things that impact so very few people? + +Like, *Restless Town* was something that I was proud of, but I didn't have this compunction because there are more trans people than just myself, more poly folks than just myself, more furries than just me. Ditto *Rum and Coke*. + +> And **Eigengrau**? + +Poetry --- at least much of that poetry --- is more universal than even the stories in *Restless Town*. + +> This is about gender, poly, and furry. Must the whole book be applicable to be enjoyed? + +No, I suppose not. + +### New Content + +* [ally 30](/30) through 32 +* [Book](/book) + +----- + +That's right, for better or for worse, ally is coming out in book form! It's up for pre-order, in both paperback and PDF digital editions. Read more about it [here](/book)! diff --git a/writing/ally/news/2020-02-23-an-email.md b/writing/ally/news/2020-02-23-an-email.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fce6005e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/2020-02-23-an-email.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2020-02-23 +title: An Email +--- + +I sent my dad an email, and while there are some surface reasons, I'd be hard pressed to tell you, on a deeper level, why. + + + +> How do you feel about it? + +Complicated. + +> I would expect nothing else. + +### New Content + +* [Dad as a person](/dad/as/a/person) diff --git a/writing/ally/news/_index.md b/writing/ally/news/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7143e5ef --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/news/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: news +title: News +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/patrons-only.md b/writing/ally/patrons-only.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..039ebc70 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/patrons-only.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: single +--- + +The link you clicked has led you to some patrons-only content! It will be available to be seen by everyone soon enough, though. Keep an eye out on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/makyo_writes) and [Mastodon](https://snouts.online/@makyo) for when the content goes live. + +This work, along with all of my writing, is supported by the kind folks who help me out on Patreon and other such sites. If you'd like some previews of upcoming content, you can support me there and get some early access goodies. If Patreon's not your bag, there are a [few other options](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/support/), as well! diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/001.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0a8f3e6c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-22 +weight: 39 +--- + +
Here is the difference betwixt the poet and the mystic, that the last nails a symbol to one sense, which was a true sense for a moment, but soon becomes old and false. For all symbols are fluxional; all language is vehicular and transitive, and is good, as ferries and horses are, for conveyance, not as farms and houses are, for homestead. Mysticism consists in the mistake of an accidental and individual symbol for an universal one.
+ +> Pretty. + +I didn't write it. + +> I know. + +I scramble through great heaps of words and sounds to try and at least pin some of them to fleeting symbols. Maybe then I'll be able to learn to see more of the accidental and individual symbols. + +> Too many words, too many sounds. + +Yes. + +> You wrote four pieces about the winds coming down over the foothills near Boulder (for, of all things, wind quartet), just to try and capture one ecstatic experience. + +I like those. I like the result. + +> You like the first two, most of all. They remind you of how hollow you felt, how you could feel the wind blow through you, vibrating your soul like the pipe of an organ, exciting you to ever higher harmonics. + +Yes. + +> But then you kept writing. + +Yeah. I make a terrible poet. + +> You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/002.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2d5d7a58 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-22 +weight: 40 +--- + +How can I capture that essence of stillness? How can I become nothing? + +> Not reaching. Not trying. + +How can I read the ecstasy of signs? How can I feel those black birds bursting free of my hunched shoulders? + +> Step beside yourself. Take your own hand. + +How can I feel the cord that ties me to the center of the earth? How can I see where it leads? How can I walk the spiral? + +> Reach down, bury your fingers in rich earth, take root. + +The cant of ritual. + +> The scent of incense. + +The rhythm of chant. + +> The ripple of water. + +Call and response. + +> The flicker of a candle. + +Voices echoing voices echoing voices echoing... + +> Clay between fingertips. + +And then? diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/003.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ddb7a99d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,80 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-24 +weight: 41 +--- + +March 10, 2004: + +``` +We wandered around for a bit before ending up sprawled in a fire-escape at FHS with Shannon in my lap, me in Ash's lap, and Andrew in Kiran's lap. Andrew ditched to go shooting with Ash and Kiran, while I went to bomb a history test. That's when things started getting really weird. I had a percoset relapse (whether that's what it was or not, it felt oddly similar to the real thing: an incurable itch buried beneath my skin, to the point where I can't actually scratch it) near the end of the period, and then in choir I imploded from empathy - so many emotions from others that I had no room for my own. Then, horns grew from my chest and head, and wings from my back; a giant fox escaped, left, and exploded into a thousand birds over Viele. Mind you, none of this really happened, but I sure felt strange. During latin, I exploded from empathy in a patchwork swirl of colors while Starin et al. stared on as I banged my head against the desk. Ms. Gibert didn't notice. I yelled for help inaudibly and searched out white points of light in the black silhouette of Boulder. I yelled for Ash and searched for Moondog. + +Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for the bell to ring. I got a small mocha at Cafe Sole, got eaten by small greenish crystals on a table while supposed psychics did fairy readings from a kids book, and here I am, about to take a shower and get ready for Great Works rehearsal, and then group, whereupon I shall request to Reiki Moondog (again) during the speakers board on gay marriage. Hopefully I don't ex-/im-plode again ^^ +``` + +April 12, 2004: + +``` +You have come, finally, to a safe place. You have arrived at the point where it counts most, the point at which Life itself seems to fall away, leaving behind nothing of it's former shell: that blackened husk of body and mind that housed a bright bright star. Years and years, it took, places and places and each day offering good and bad, but you, lucky you, saw past that, saw beyond the grid of your perception to see inside others, touching and caressing the bright points of light that were essentially them, cherishing each for not only their good points, but for their faults as well. The energy flowed around and through you in the concentric spirals of the labyrinth and the Bat Qol kept you clean and pure with the voice of God and the Buddha in me to the Buddha in you weaved everything under the sun into Life itself. This is Rapture. +``` + +June 7, 2004: + +``` +I'd like to chant, perhaps Emmeleia. + + Or.. you could come up with something on your own. You know, do something productive with Nanon. + +There's a thought. I still need to do those spells for Androo. + + Exactly. Productive + +I've noticed that, while my emotional colors are fading, you're becoming more prominent. + +Who are you? + + I'm a meme; I'm the idea of Lady Sage and Master Yage, + or maybe Eris and God. Are they the same? + I'm me. + I'm you. Are they the same? + I'm the fifth line of five. + +You're an elusive bugger, that's what you are. + + Damn straight. + +You're depressing, too. + + + +...hello? +``` + +October 5, 2004: + +``` +Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani. + +Upon reading certain things, upon hearing certain songs, upon seeing certain people, upon smelling certain scents, upon tasting certain foods, upon feeling certain feelings and upon losing myself, it flows, the light, in through the head, out through the heart, washes over all, and, being lost in it, have found myself without. + + How poetic. + +These are the white things. Cold, bright, burning, white. + +Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani. + +But the light isn't as it used to be. It was a thing to light up a day, a thing to light up me, filling completely. Now a simple thread flows from head to heart, and the light doesn't stray from the path of least resistance. + + Love follows not the law of Ohm. + +Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani. + +Light can be many things, but here, now, it means love - all four loves - and it's a strange feeling to have been so full of it for so long, then to suddenly be nearly without. + + Full of what? Full of shit? How pathetic, how trite. + +Having deified love for several years, it's a shock to my faith to have it disappear, even if it only turns out to be temporary. + + Faith? You're faithful? How have you EVER been faithful to love? + +Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani! +``` diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/004.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..38b85218 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,53 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-24 +weight: 42 +--- + +
What have you changed? + My mind +What changed you? + Nothing +What became of it? + I am not who I was + +What have you changed? + My name +What changed you? + The word +What became of it? + I am called who I am + +What have you changed? + My looks +What changed you? + The light +What became of it? + I am seen as I am + +What have you changed? + My chemistry +What changed you? + The substance +What became of it? + My form is my own + +What have you changed? + My body +What changed you? + The knife +What became of it? + I am shaped how I am + +What have you changed? + Nothing +What changed you? + I was accepted +What became of it? + I accepted myself + +What have you changed? + Everything +What changed you? + Everything +What became of it? + I became who I am
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/005.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fc75ec90 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-24 +weight: 42 +--- + +> What is your point? + +You know. + +> Yes, but it is important that you make it. + +*It's the immediacy, the seamless immediacy...* + +It's about meaning and self. It's about defining where your boundaries are; your physical boundaries, your mental boundaries, your spiritual and emotional boundaries. It's about that ground-state training that you undergo so that you might step just a bit to the side. An inch. A mile. An age. + +It's about breathing in for the count of four, holding for the count of two, breathing out for the count of four, holding for the count of two. It's about feeling where your feet touch the ground. It's about drawing a straight line from your center of gravity to the center of the world. It's about becoming totally present. + +> So that you can disappear entirely. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/006.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3ea08419 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-24 +weight: 44 +--- + +> Why this? Why after your dad? + +Why talk about ecstasy? + +> Yes. + +Dissociation. + +> Well, that was quick. I was expecting more roundabout. We would banter. You would get flustered. I would get smug. + +Derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. Pure and simple. + +> Well huh. + +Would I lie to you? + +> Oh, totally. + +Fair. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/007.html b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/007.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5010e781 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/007.html @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-20 +weight: 45 +--- + +
Cognitive hazard, audio autoplay, color changes
+ +
+                    ( 2, 3, 5, 7, 13 )
+                  O
+                o
+              .
+_____,,,_^..^_,,,_____
+__|____|____|____|____
+____|____|____|____|__
+
+ + diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/008.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..59259a62 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,162 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-25 +weight: 46 +--- + +Growth + +"Growth" by Julian Norwood + +----- + +
Used to be you and I daily would walk +through the fields out back of the house and talk +for hours, spilling words and emotions. +These walks were our daily devotions +to each other over the years. + +The fields, dotted with ponds, were our space. +We tramped those trails strung like lace +along shores and through tall grass, +murmuring now like winds, chattering now like brass +in some changeful duet. + +You'd tell me about the geese in the sky, +would watch me stand still and not ask why +the birds scared me to pieces, +even as we dodged around their feces +littering the trails. + +You'd put up with my fickle interests, +running with me, or stopping to see what arrests +my attention. You'd follow all of my changes +and change along with me through all the ranges +of our shared experience. + +You'd tell me of your meditation, +I'd talk of my fears of stagnation. +You'd always smile so kindly to me, +and I'd always feel so free +in our companionship. + +And over time, those walks got slower, +shorter, less frequent, or over +far too soon, though no less meaningful +as we spent our time together in cheerful +conversation or kind quiet. + +We each seemed to be going our separate ways, +with me branching out, exploring different lays +of different lands, and you turning inwards, +exploring lines of thought you never put in words, +at least not that you told me. + +And then one day, we once more went out walking +and though it took a while, you got to talking. +You told me of how you sat, quiet and alone, +waiting for the time you might turn to stone +and be completely still at last. + +You told me how as you sat, the room lengthened, +curved around, turned on you — strengthened, +it seemed, by your very presence — +and amid all of that gathered pleasance, +bit you in half. + +You told me how, as part of you died +in that moment, the rest of you spied, +it seemed, on this very ending. +You told me you thought that this rending +was the end of something big. + +I listened in silence. What could I say? +The things you were telling me, walking that day +were strangely shaped and didn't make sense. +Or if they did, they did so around corners as pretense, +perhaps, subtext, allusion, metaphor. + +You were right, though, I could hear it in your voice. +There was finality, there, which spoke of a choice +already made. Endings were writ on your face, +your hands, and your steps — your very pace +spoke of completion. + +I replied to that sense rather than your words. +"While you look up to the geese and see only birds, +I see omens and my doom spelled in vees. +You speak of rooms and cleaving, but please, +tell me, are you leaving?" + +We'd long since stopped, there by the pond, +and your smile was, yes, sad, but still fond +as you settled down wordlessly to your knees, +took a slow breath, looked out to the trees, +and closed your eyes. + +Beginnings are such delicate times +and I very nearly missed it, no chimes +to announce the hour of your leaving. +As it was, there was no time for believing +or not in the next moments. + +Your fingers crawled beneath the soil +and sprouted roots, flesh starting to roil. +Coarse bark spiraled up your wrists and arms, +Spelling subtle incantations and charms +to the chaos of growth. + +You bowed your head and from your crown +sprouted a tender shoot covered in fine down, +soon followed by crenelated leaves and fine stems. +The pace was fast, implacable, and leaves like gems +soon arched skyward. + +You sprouted and grew, taking root +in one smooth motion, fixed and mute. +Your clothing fell away, rotting in fast-time. +Naked now, you sat still, committing one last crime +of indecency. + +Your face, your face! In your face was such peace +as I'd never seen, even as you gave up this lease +on life, echoed also in my heart of hearts. +I did not cry out, nor even speak, witnessing such arts +as your final display showed. + +Soon, you were consumed, transformed as a whole. +Your head a crown of leaves, your heart a bole +bored in rough bark and sturdy wood, +your fingers, knees, and toes stood +as thirsty roots. + +I stood a while by the tree that was you, +then sat at your roots and thought of all I knew +about time, transformation, death and change. +I thought about you, your life, your emotional range, +your gentle apotheosis. + +Then I walked home, quiet and numb. +No, not numb, per se, but perhaps dumb. +Dumb of words, dumb of emotions. Quiet. +I expected turmoil, some internal riot, +I got nullity. + +Who, after all, if I cried out, +would hear my wordless shout +among the still trees and rustling leaves? +Who hears? Who cares? Who perceives +this non-grief? + +You, my friend, are still there. +I walk the fields every day, passing where +you changed into something new. +I marvel at you, at how you grew +into something wholly different. + +Used to be you and I daily would walk +through the fields out back of the house and talk. +Now, it's just me, alone, quiet, thinking +of you by the shore, forever drinking +of sweet water.
+ +From a dream. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/009.html b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/009.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6142153e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/009.html @@ -0,0 +1,183 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-25 +weight: 48 +--- + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/010.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/010.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1a69d55f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-25 +weight: 47 +--- + +
A flash of coppery sweetness, +A clearing of the sinuses, +A burst of unnamed colors, +A rush of creativity, of wonder, +Velvety softness, a low hum, +And then the wave recedes.
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/011.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/011.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d5077650 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/011.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-25 +weight: 49 +--- + +> You're not very focused. + +I know. + +> Ask. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/012.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/012.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..56a638d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/012.md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-25 +weight: 50 +--- + +How does one approach what one can't describe? + +> Swing the flashlight rapidly across the room. Piece together what you can from the sweep of the beam across the walls, the furniture. + +How does one hunt down what leaves no tracks? + +> Unwind the maze by keeping your right hand on the wall. Pray that the walls do not move. + +How does one call down the gods to commune? + +> Speak thrice, and enter. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/013.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/013.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6670d5d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/013.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-25 +weight: 51 +--- + +I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired and I'm upset and I'm lost. + +> I know. + +I want to shout and to whisper. I want to talk about how the light flows in through the head and out through the heart. I want to put words to the feeling of falling to the ground and taking root. + +I want to say how it feels when I step outside myself. + +> You tried. + +I guess that's all I can do. + +> It's not, but it's important that you have tried. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/_index.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8212be4e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#2f082a' +color: '#ccd' +quote: '#eef' +pulse_light: true +back: /16 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/_index.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d4f44182 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +--- +type: single +--- + +Upon reading certain things, upon hearing certain songs, upon seeing certain things, upon smelling certain scents, upon tasting certain foods, upon feeling certain feelings and upon losing myself, it flows, the light, in through the head, out through the heart, washes over all, and, being lost in it, have found myself without. diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/audio.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/audio.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..53c44429 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/audio.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: single +--- + + + + diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4dce377c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ +--- +type: single +--- + +
I +Among twenty snowy mountains, +The only moving thing +Was the eye of the blackbird.
+ +
II +I was of three minds, +Like a tree +In which there are three blackbirds.
+ +
III +The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds. +It was a small part of the pantomime.
+ +
IV +A man and a woman +Are one. +A man and a woman and a blackbird +Are one.
+ +
V +I do not know which to prefer, +The beauty of inflections +Or the beauty of innuendoes, +The blackbird whistling +Or just after.
+ +
VI +Icicles filled the long window +With barbaric glass. +The shadow of the blackbird +Crossed it, to and fro. +The mood +Traced in the shadow +An indecipherable cause.
+ +
VII +O thin men of Haddam, +Why do you imagine golden birds? +Do you not see how the blackbird +Walks around the feet +Of the women about you?
+ +
VIII +I know noble accents +And lucid, inescapable rhythms; +But I know, too, +That the blackbird is involved +In what I know.
+ +
IX +When the blackbird flew out of sight, +It marked the edge +Of one of many circles.
+ +
X +At the sight of blackbirds +Flying in a green light, +Even the bawds of euphony +Would cry out sharply.
+ +
XI +He rode over Connecticut +In a glass coach. +Once, a fear pierced him, +In that he mistook +The shadow of his equipage +For blackbirds.
+ +
XII +The river is moving. +The blackbird must be flying.
+ +
XIII +It was evening all afternoon. +It was snowing +And it was going to snow. +The blackbird sat +In the cedar-limbs.
+ +— Wallace Stevens + +### See also +* [Winter](https://ericwhitacre.com/music-catalog/winter) by Edward Esch +* *House of Leaves* by Mark Z Danielewski (of course) +* *S* by J J Abrams and Doug Dorst +* [*Post-op Androgyne*](http://www.bisthebox.com/comics/post-op-androgyne/) by Bis Thornton +* *Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish: a Novel* by David Rakoff +* *Pattern Recognition* by William Gibson +* *The Pharmako/ Trilogy* by Dale Pendell +* *The Ocean at the End of the Lane* by Neil Gaiman +* *The Tao Te Ching* by Lao Tzu, translated by Stephen Mitchell +* *The Bucketrider* by Franz Kafka +* *Ecclesiastes* diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1438321c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video.md @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ +--- +type: single +--- + + + + + + + + + + + +### See also + +* [ANIMA](https://www.netflix.com/title/81110498) +* The rest of *Samsara* +* Bong Joon-Ho's *마더* (*Mother*) diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/_index.html b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/_index.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ec3b957e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/_index.html @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +background: '#aaa' +color: '#000' +type: 'single' +--- + +

overflowing

diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/_index.html b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/_index.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ac525c92 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/_index.html @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +background: '#666' +color: '#ccc' +pulse_light: true +type: single +--- + +

with

diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/001.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..44d8e9b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-26 +weight: 1 +--- + + + +

words

+ +speak to me +speak to me +speak to me +speak to me +speak to me +speak to me +speak to me + +that i may see +that i may see +that i may see +that i may see +that i may see + +the face of god +the face of god +the face of god diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/002.html b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/002.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..30272f87 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/002.html @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-25 +weight: 2 +--- + +
I was born at the edge of the numinous. + +That is why I can tread along the border. +That is why I'm able to whisper the name of God. +That is why I'm allowed to know the number and how to factor it. +That is why I have seven fingers spread wide and three curled toward my heart. +That is why my limbs trace the curves and lines of power when I dance. +That is why I sit with my back to the sun in summer. +That is why my body is a canvas. + +You were born in sunlight. + +Speak secrets into my hair. +Take my words from me. +Spend the intercalary days telling me lies. +Break my dystonia with a breath. +Wash my face with salt water. +Tell me the name you call yourself. +Close my eyes. + +We will sleep in the shade. + +Let me bless you with smoke. +Let me bathe your feet. +Let me light the candles. +Let me place a stone beneath my tongue. +Let me taste copper. +Let me draw in ash. +Let me rise up until my head is in the branches and my hair becomes the leaves.
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/003.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..275385c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-25 +weight: 3 +--- + +
At the beginning of time,
+    when chaos birthed to order and disorder,
+we were blessed with two souls.
+
+One has seven eyes and can see all of the monsters in the dark,
+    but is blinded by the sun.
+
+The other has no eyes,
+    but can feel no pain.
+
+When order and disorder were close as children,
+  our souls experienced the world hand in hand,
+    but as they drifted apart and began to fight,
+      some of us left one of our souls behind,
+        and that is why we search.
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/004.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..aeabdac0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-25 +weight: 4 +--- + +
Babel was a collaborative effort.
+
+Once,
+we all spoke the same language,
+  but on seeing god grow increasingly anxious with the rate of our progress,
+    we agreed to let our tongues be confused,
+      so that he could take things at a more comfortable pace,
+        and we could be assured he would not understand us unless we prayed in silence,
+
+for only then do we speak the language of angels.
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/005.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..65fb06dc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-26 +weight: 5 +--- + +
I went for a walk and was driven by impulse to collect five sticks.
+They had to be as straight as possible.
+They had to be balanced as close to the middle as possible.
+They had to be the same length without me breaking them.
+They had to have been from different trees.
+They had to have fallen more than a year prior.
+
+When I got home, I lay them in a row, asked my question, and, one by one, broke them in half.
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/006.html b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/006.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d9c38a6b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/006.html @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-26 +weight: 6 +--- + +
When I speak, the words drip from my tongue as ink, +and form writing on the ground, +and I leave a trail behind me, +and the ink stains your feet, +and when you walk, words and phrases and sentences are pressed into the soil, +and the ink breathes life into the plants, +and even the grass will flower, +and the bees will flourish, +and they will both sting you and provide you with sweet honey. + +The ink stains my chin and my clothes. +  Sometimes, I speak into my hands and stain my cheeks as well. +    I speak against my fingers and press them into my flesh until I am covered in rosettes. +      I stretch my hands to the sky and marvel at how black they are. +        And as with the grass, where the ink stains, growth quickens, and I am covered in soft fur. +          I fall to all fours and hunt amid the rocks and the buildings, between cars and along trails. +            And when I am full, I curl up to sleep, and awake human once again. +              My skin is clean and my mind is clear, + +and I cannot speak.
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/007.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d1df75e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +date: 2019-12-26 +weight: 7 +--- + +
The only time I know my true name is when I pray.
+
+The only time I pray is at the utmost need.
+
+To pray is to ask yourself what you dare not ask god.
+
+To answer your own question, you must step outside yourself.
+
+To step outside yourself, you must forget your true name.
+
+The only time I know my true name is when I pray.
diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/008.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..61b1cd2e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-05 +weight: 8 +--- + +There was a sort of succulent quality to the air, as though, were I to bite down on it, it would all come bursting forth at once. Dribble down my chin. Stain my shirt. It would be sweet, almost saccharine. It would beg for a pinch of salt to quell all that sweetness. + +I didn't know whether or not I'd be able to stomach it, honestly. I was dizzy. I was apart from myself. Above, and beside. I was looking down at myself. Were I to do so, to bite into time itself, I would surely overflow. + +*Was* overflowing, I realized. Was bending forward at the waist where I was sitting. Those black choir chairs were comfortable, but made you sit up straight, so I couldn't slouch. I was bending forward, resting my elbows on my knees, and then bowing my head, bowing further. + +I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. We weren't singing, the basses, we were watching the altos rehears a part, so it wasn't too far out of the ordinary for me to be hunched over, breathing shallow, watching myself from above. + +I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Hunched over, breathing shallow, and watching from a few feet up, a few feet to the right, so that I could see my shirt tear even as I felt it against my back. I was so thin, then. So thin. + +I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I watched my shirt tear, and my skin follow. I watched it split along my spine and peel back. It was bloodless, but not painless. The feeling of those wings, newborn and weak, slipping from the wound was raw. + +I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I watched the wings stretch and extend from the wound on my back. "Aha," I thought. "This is it. This is finally it. It's finally happening. I am becoming something greater, and here I am, so unprepared!" + +I was overflowing, though, not transforming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The growth did not stop at wings. An eye. A beak. The graceful curve of a head. Plumage. + +"No, this isn't it." I panicked, and could think of nothing else but to apologize. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." + +The bird cocked its head as it climbed free of my back and perched on my shoulder. It cared not for apologies. Why would it? + +Another pair of wings followed. + +Another. + +Another. + +My hands were buried in my hair, I could see - barely - through the forest of pencil-thin legs crowding my shoulders, my neck, my head. Their weight had forced my shoulders down until my head was nearly between my knees. + +We were singing now, and I was silent. How could I sing, when all I could do was beg silently for forgiveness? How could I sing with the weight of a dozen crows slowly crushing me into my seat? How could I sing when I was overflowing? There was nothing I could do to stop it + +Chaos. The director stopped the choir, and as one, the flock lifted off. The weight was lifted off my back. The cacophony filled the air. I was borne up through the air by the birds. The birds were splitting, multiplying, avian mitosis. I was borne up, up. Up. + +I was told afterward that my body stumbled, unthinking along the row and toward the double doors, that the director had sneered, "It sure would be nice if we had all our singers here today." I was told that folks defended me, saying I was sick, I was pale, I was feverish. + +I don't know, I wasn't there. I was above the Flatirons. I was beyond terror. I was beyond joy. I was beyond sensation, beyond any emotion except for that bottomless, black guilt. Sticky. Tar-like. Bitter. The flock numbered in the thousands, and still we flew up. + +The blue of the sky became white, blinded, became black, and I was sitting in the hallway. I was with my body again. I was sobbing. A teacher stared. Students gave me a wide berth. + +I cleaned myself up. I went back to choir. What else could I do? + +A bird had plucked something from me. Something precious. Something unknowable. Something important and integral. Something hard. Something emerald and glassy. Before the white of the sky overtook me, I saw it in its beak. + +The caw it gave as my vision left me and my ears filled with static was...triumphant? No, not quite. Triumph implies that the birds could do anything but succeed. In that sound was inevitability. + +After school, *** and I tramped through the 'mini-forest' and, impelled by something of the avian within, I collected five sticks. + +They had to be as straight as possible. +They had to be balanced as close to the middle as possible. +They had to be the same length without me breaking them. +They had to have been from different trees. +They had to have fallen more than a year prior. + +When I got home, I lay them in a row, asked my question, and, one by one, broke them in half. + +What had I lost? + +> Why does memory stain you with that black, tarry guilt? + +I had forgotten about the birds until recently, but every time I feel that ecstasy --- that ekstasis --- I am pitch. I am tar. I am sticky with apology. I am the living embodiment of "I'm sorry". diff --git a/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/_index.md b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1c501bb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poet-and-mystic/overflowing/with/words/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#000' +color: '#666' +quote: '#777' +pulse_light: true +back: /poet-and-mystic/11 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/poly/01.md b/writing/ally/poly/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..70e5ce7d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poly/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-12 +weight: 1 +tags: +- snarky +categories: +- polyamory +- mom +- dad +- jay +- julie +--- + +My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me. + +Mom and Jay got divorced when I was in my freshman year of high school. I remember being taken to a family therapy session for Jay's lingering divorce with his previous wife, but no such luck with his divorce with my mom. I just remember things getting bad after I came out, and then my mom coming downstairs to wake me one morning and inform me that we were moving out. Today. Now. + +I don't remember ever seeing Jay again after that, though I surely must have. + +> But you heard about him. + +Mom said he called Erin, my ex-step-sister a "witch". I don't think that's the word he used. A decade and a half later, she'd suggest that I go visit him. + +I turned her down. + +> A sub-story. Do I sense conflict? + +Of course. + +> You may be made of star-stuff, but conflict seems to be what holds you together. + +Stop trying to get me to talk about mania. + +At first, I was proud of my relationships. Then I was embarrassed. There were so many, all in a line. One would trickle into existence with, as I put it, `light, in through the head, out through the heart`. We'd be perfect, until we weren't. Everything would be delightful, until it wasn't. It's the way of early relationships, I suppose. You fall for someone, and you can't quite pick apart the difference between love and lust. + +I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Marek-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Kayla-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what JD and I were at the beginning? + +> Doubtless with the same lilac-scented words you talk about everything. + +I guess. + +Early on, I promised myself that I would do anything to not become my dad, in so many ways. One of those was to not run my relationships like him. Some bits were easy, of course. I could start by being queer. That's glib, of course, but at the time I started dating, being queer required more discretion, more discussion than I saw in my dad's relationships. + +Some bits weren't so easy, though. The overlap between the discussion that's involved the mechanics of simply having a queer relationship and the discussion that's involved in having a healthy relationship, queer or not, is not non-existent, but neither is it large. + +> Are you going to provide us with a Venn Diagram? In hand-coded SVG, perhaps? + +[![Sigh...](/healthy-sound.svg)](/healthy-sound.svg) + +Happy? + +> Very. I just wanted to ensure that you were at your very Maddy-est about this. + +When my dad divorced Julie, he told her he hadn't loved her in ten years. He told her he married her because she was easy to deal with. Quiet. Compliant. Not as smart as him. He could be right around her, which wasn't always guaranteed with mom. + +Julie's friends gave her a rubber rat afterward. They had scribbled his name on it. The rat was sitting on a plaque that said `Rat Bastard`. The last time I saw her, she was very drunk, sagged against my side, sobbing and beating that rat against the nightstand. + +> And you didn't want to be like him when you grew up? Color me surprised. + +You *would* say that. + +He had started dating well before divorcing her. I don't know if he and Maurine are married now. When I told mom, she shrugged and said that he had started dating Julie before their own divorce. + +> You dovetailed relationships. You were dating Andrew well before you and Tyson fell away from each other. + +Hey, I said some bits weren't as easy. He left me with a lot of him in me. + +> Like the anger. He gave you that. The anger and the pride. + +I pay for his past as well as mine. + +So, when Michael mentioned that he wanted to go on a date with someone else while we were together, well, it touched a nerve. diff --git a/writing/ally/poly/02.md b/writing/ally/poly/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0c6302b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poly/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 2 +tags: +- snarky +- humor +- demanding +- questions +categories: +- polyamory +- nostalgia +- Ship of Theseus +--- + +> I suppose you also searched your archives for poly. + +You know me so well. + +> Of course. + +The first mention on LiveJournal was April 6th, 2004. + +``` +Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most. Michael has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck. It just feels like it would actually /work/ in his case. As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates. Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with. Ah well. Something to think about. +``` + +> Never one to have a high opinion of yourself. + +That's hindsight talking. + +> You literally just got out of a therapy session where you talked about how you don't believe you deserve a better job. + +Touché. + +Michael and I's relationship was rocky, tumultuous. We met through a queer group and from there wound up in a weird, heated romance that danced around sex, gender, mental health, everything. We fought, we made up. We got annoying. We made out a lot, we had sex, though with each of our individual hangups around sex, it was rarely penetrative. + +> It was penetrative once. + +That's rare, isn't it? + +> Vanishingly. + +Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex. + +> You were a cis gay guy. You told me that. You were unsure of vaginas. + +It started that way, I suppose. I learned. + +> Then you bought one for yourself. + +Listen. + +> Yes? + +There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning. + +> 'Bepenised'? 'Ship-of-Theseusizing'? + +You verbed it first. + +> We've gotten off track. + +Right. + +In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside. + +> Never one to have a high opinion of yourself. + +It didn't last. That was part of the breaking point. Similarly with Andrew and Ryn. I've heard it said that jealousy is a sign that one's needs are not being met. + +> What did you need that you weren't getting? + +I thought it was someone to myself. + +> You couldn't own yourself, maybe you could own someone else. + +That hurts to hear. + +> Is it wrong? + +I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I wanted to keep someone. To possess them. Maybe it was a reaction to being owned. + +> Let's talk about kink. + +Let's fucking not. diff --git a/writing/ally/poly/03.md b/writing/ally/poly/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c9e7d1ba --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poly/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,56 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-13 +weight: 3 +tags: +- snarky +- earnest +- questions +categories: +- polyamory +- nostalgia +- Ship of Theseus +- dead years +- Matthew +- mom +- dad +--- + +I won't repost them, because they're direct logs, shortly after the conversation mentioned before, the issue of Michael bringing another partner to the queer group we were a part of came up. How would we work a situation where I, coming from a monogamous point of view, would be in the same room with my partner and metamour? Would we split our time? Would one of us get ignored while the other got attention? Would we both get attention? Would we just plain avoid it? + +> It's surreal, even for me, to hear you talk about this today, given your current situation. + + + +Suppose that the young man, Matthew, is in a monogamous relationship with someone. As the years go by the relationship begins to change, fades, and is replaced by a new one, more open than the last. After a decade or so, all of the parts have been replaced and Matthew, now Madison, is in a polycule the size of Rhode Island. Is Madison still the same person as Matthew? + +> That's a bit heavy-handed. + +You can't start the metaphor train a-rollin' and then expect it to stop on a dime. + +> I'll own that. + +I met JD in 2005, and met Robin in 2012. By 2013, I was in a relationship with both, and we were sharing dinner, along with Robin's partner, at a convention. It was natural. Comfortable. It was fun. + +And now, I'm in relationships of various sorts with a half dozen people. The changes between then were so incremental, and discussed so thoroughly, that it really does feel Ship of Theseish. + +> Stop. + +Never. + +The other consequence of that is that, along the way, I sufficiently distanced myself from the mechanics of my parents' relationships that I finally felt comfortable in calling that dream fulfilled. The turning point was my mom, during one of her visits back to Colorado, mentioned my relationship with Robin as something she could never do. + +> Are you sure it wasn't writing a Python/Javascript/SVG web app to map polycules using force-directed layouts? + +Okay, maybe it was before then. + +> And score a point to the ally. + +I didn't feel better than my mom when she said that, of course. Her relationships matured well over time, I think. She and Bob got better at communicating and expressing their needs. And even if they hadn't, the love she had for all of her partners was no less valid for being monogamous. + +> Could you say the same of your dad, had he said that to you? + +I don't know. + +> Probably not. + +Yeah, probably not. diff --git a/writing/ally/poly/04.md b/writing/ally/poly/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..646da307 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poly/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 4 +--- + +Relationship anarchy, as a topic, seems to draw heavily from both poly folks and queer folks. In fact, the three ideas are so heavily intertwined that it's difficult to have one without the others. Poly? Well, there's a good chance that there are some queer aspects to your relationship. + +And if you're queer and at least of a certain age, relationship anarchy is baked into your soul. If your society sets up a "natural" relationship progression and then bars an entire class from entry to that progression, subversive and transgressive relationship structures form as a matter of course. + +> Queer people, queer relationships. + +Yes. June, 2004: + +
Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain, +queer sleeves, queer shoes, +queer toes, queer nails, +queer fingers, queer palms, hairy palms, +queer wrists, limp wrists, +queer arms, +queer shoulders, arms around shoulders, +queer neck, sensitive neck, +queer hair, curly, +queer ears, sensitive ears, eargasmic, +queer cheek, blushing cheek, +queer nose, got it from my dad, +queer eyes, queer colors, got them from my grandpa, +queer eyebrows, but not as queer as some, +queer face, too long, +queer chest, too skinny, +queer belly, padded, +queer crotch, go figure, +queer thighs, better believe it, +queer knees, queer calfs, queer ankles, queer legs, flexible, +queer feet, still smell, +queer guy, no surprise.
+ +When you're queer, *being queer* is baked into just about everything about you, but most especially in your relationships. "Minority identity acts as a force multiplier on social dynamics," as Orrery put it. + +> And so? + +And so, being hopelessly queer, I wind up in relationships that are hopelessly queer. + +> Except when you don't. + +Yes. And when I don't, there's such a fundamental mismatch of understanding that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. + +Something that queer relationships miss, or at least reconfigure to their own ends, is the relationship escalator, that heteronormative idea that one gets on at the ground floor of friendship and gets off at the top with marriage, or one can stop off at any of the other floors to stop for a while, or to step off entirely when the relationship ends. + +It's not a bad idea, either. It's not as old as some would have you think, but in today's society, it works quite well. + +> Does the divorce rate agree with you there? + +Is that just another step on the escalator? + +> Touché. + +In nonheteronormaitve relationships, the idea is muddied. The friends-dating-marriage-children set of steps, originally shattered whe marriage was made illegal and adoption banned for large swaths of queer folks, just doesn't fit. The barrier between friends and dating, as well as between dating and permanent relationship, is thin, osmotic. + +> Suddenly, you're in a relationship. Suddenly, you're saying "I love you." + +Yes. Suddenly, organically, though not for lack of deliberation. There's much talking, if everything goes right, much working out of boundaries. It's just that there are fewer milestones. + +> Why do you bring this up? You're not writing an article. Out with it. + +Right. diff --git a/writing/ally/poly/05.md b/writing/ally/poly/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eda6cdc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poly/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 5 +--- + +If poly is queer, in that it's not relationship-normative, then I'm queer. If being trans is queer because it's not gender-normative, then I'm queer. If my identity blurs lines, then I'm queer. + +If I'm in a relationship with someone, then, is that a queer relationship? Is my partner queer? + +> What would they say? + +I don't know. I haven't gotten to the point of talking to myself about this yet, much less talking with them. That's what this process is, isn't it? + +> So what would you say, then? + +My gut instinct says that, since I'm trans, I've transgressed the lines of gender-normative relationships; since I'm poly, I've transgressed the lines of relationship-normative relationships. That, since I am queer, the relationship must be as well. + +> But? + +But it doesn't really feel like it. I feel like a girlfriend. Barac feels like a boyfriend. I feel like I've stepped onto an escalator, here. + +> There is an error in your gut instinct: it does not take into account that, in a relationship between two people, there are more than just two actors. There is you, there is your past, there is Barac and his, and there is society, influencing all four of you. That you are queer and that Barac does not consider himself to be is beside the point. Society, Barac, and Barac's past all think of this as a straight relationship --- or a take on one, at least --- and that's overwhelming your gut instinct, which only has access to you, and limited access to your past. + +Is that why I feel contention, then? Is that why there are an odd number of actors in this situation? + +> Perhaps. Perhaps you are feeling contention because you are having to work, for once, rather than slot smoothly into a relationship. + +My other relationships have taken work, though. + +> Your other partners have spoken the same language as you. It was easier to coordinate that work. You and Barac are having to learn each other's language as you go along. + +Robin and I had to learn the language of poly when we were starting out together. Judith and I and Colton and I both had our own things to learn as our relationships grew. + +> Yes, but you all spoke queer. None of you really spoke normative, a skill you're having to learn late in life. diff --git a/writing/ally/poly/06.md b/writing/ally/poly/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cba077ae --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poly/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 6 +--- + +I've been married for seven years. Robin and I have been together for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised? + +> Does it matter? + +Yes, I think it does. *Early on, I promised myself that I would do anything to not become my dad,* I said. I wanted to stay away from serial monogamy. I wanted to talk more and perform less within my relationships. I wanted to be an improvement upon what I saw growing up. + +If I'm poly because I'm coping for my past once again, have I really grown? Or have I fallen into the trap just on the other side of the path? + +If I'm coping for my childhood, what would I leave my children coping with? + +> Again, does it matter? You must walk a fine line between the selfish and selfless when working with reality. In order to be happy, you need to not repeat the past, as you've said --- a selfish act. But worrying about counterfactuals with non-existent entities, being **too** selfless in this, will only set you back in your own growth. + +Perhaps I'm worried that if poly and such are just coping mechanisms, my relationships might be somehow less real, less earnest than if they weren't. Perhaps I'm worried that I'm doing a disservice to my partners by using them to overcome my own failings. + +> This is impostor syndrome, not using people. No relationship is perfect, all that matters is that you're approaching these honestly, earnestly, and with your whole heart. Even then, there will be friction occasionally. Your parents gave you stuff to cope with, and you would give your children stuff to cope with too. + +Guess it's a good thing I don't have kids. + +> Let's talk about kink. + +Oh my *god*. + +> Alas, had I a face, I would be able to smirk. Imagine that for me, will you? + +You know what? Now's as good a time as any. diff --git a/writing/ally/poly/_index.md b/writing/ally/poly/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..51da82b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/poly/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /11 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/01.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2bfa1d15 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,70 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-18 +weight: 1 +--- + +
Self harm
+ +Self harm is a recurring theme within my life. + +It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality. + +> An obvious solution. + +I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that. + +I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right. + +> One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies. + +Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration. + +I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment. + +> Now now, what did we say about secrets? + +And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes. + +> You spilled the beans. + +Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it. + +> You spoiled the surprise. + +Everyone was so confused. + +> Lapsus linguae. + +I was so ashamed. + +> You spoke too soon. + +Even my punishment was wrong. + +> It was the last thing Margaras heard from you. + +Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days. + +> He died knowing that about you. + +If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me. + +> You cannot take that back. + +If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake. + +> You cannot. + +Please. + +> You cannot. + +Oh god. + +> It was the last thing he heard from you. + +Merciful god, please take me away. + +> You never spoke to him again. + +I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/02.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..aa171d0d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-18 +weight: 2 +--- + +
Self harm
+ +
There is too much fire in me
+  to be described by the soldering iron's tip.
+ +> I must not fear. + +
Were I to draw it across my skin,
+  it would all spill out at once.
+ +> Fear is the mind-killer. + +
I'd melt, eaten whole by flames,
+  and flow into a pool of molten glass.
+ +> Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. + +
Sublimation would claim me,
+  atoms would scatter, diffuse.
+ +> I will face my fear. + +
I would be borne up through the clouds,
+  and grow lighter by the second.
+ +> I will permit it to pass over me and through me. + +
All that energy poured to the air around me,
+  an imperceptible increase in temperature.
+ +> And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. + +
Particle would excite particle
+  until I'm felt only as warmth on your face.
+ +> Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. + +
But even that would not be enough.
+ +> Only I will remain. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/03.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9295876d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-18 +weight: 3 +--- + +TIASAP stands for *The Ill-Advised Self-Administration Period*. + +This is why. + +I was unsafe about it. + +I lost my sexuality for years. + +I turned the need for change into punishment. + +The color drained from my universe. The flavor was gone from food. I could not smell. + +> And when you added in a bit of estrogen, you wept at the return of sensation. + +I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right. + +And, well. + +Now I knew it was right. + +But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose. + +> Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose? diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/_index.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ac2a7de1 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /14 +background: "#222228" +color: "#ddd" +quote: "#eef" +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/.keep b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/.keep new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e69de29b diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/001.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..38ff049a --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-28 +weight: 1 +--- + +
From the point of view of the universe, Max's death wasn't a big deal, it was just my big deal.
+ +On March 21st, 2012, I tried to kill myself. + +It's amazing how such a simple statement of fact reflects, months of strange tension, slow recovery, and a whole lot of trying to understand what really happened. It's not a comfortable thing for anyone to discuss, but it's one of those things I need to discuss, need to get off my chest. A little too much of what makes life meaningful for me now is wrapped up in that one night. + +> Even now? + +Even now. + +> You wrote that disclaimer four months after the attempt itself. You copied it from some notes from back then. You even kept the Steve Eisman quote. + +Yes. Nostalgia, remember? + +> Are you nostalgic for those weighty months after you tried to kill yourself? + +If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle. + +Perhaps it's not totally accurate to say that I'm nostalgic for that time in particular, but I suppose I am nostalgic for the sense of change that permeated the air around me then. Something big was happening. Something terrible and wonderful. + +> And you got to witness it from the inside. + +Yes. I got to watch the agonal breathing that went on for far too long. I got to see his eyes widen in terror. I got up to fetch the cold compress and came back to a quiet room. + +I'm not nostalgic for that pain, no. I'm nostalgic for the fact that I am who I am because I went through that. I'm nostalgic for what it came to symbolize. I'm nostalgic for its part in Madison's birth. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/002.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ff80b82b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-29 +weight: 2 +--- + +It's not really so much that I have the need to write about what happened, even, as that, after something of such import, I feel the need to expose myself through writing, to force ideas out into the open whether or not they actually have anything to do with what's going on. + +> It goes beyond a desire. It becomes a necessity. + +Creativity, it seems, is one of those things where, the more you put it to use, the more you *must* use it. + +> After a certain point, it forces itself upon you. Hits you like a ton of bricks. + +Yes. + +I toyed with how to write about something like this for a few months after it happened before hammering out a five thousand word essay. + +> You planned on an additional ten thousand. + +In this case, after all, I felt the need to actually write about what really happened. I tried the whole "write about something else" thing and it didn't work; it didn't relieve that pressure within myself that needed to be released. + +> You tried venting little bits of it here and there on twitter, on Facebook. + +It didn't work. It kept the pressure from becoming unbearable, perhaps, but only for a few days. After that, the weight of it --- of how easy it was, of how quickly I snapped to, of how badly I could have fucked up --- became too intense to ignore once again. + +So. + +I tried to kill myself on March 21st, 2012. It was, as the epigram said, not a big deal; it was just my big deal. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/003.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f417af91 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-29 +weight: 3 +--- + +I'll be honest, I stole the concept of *thisness*, the phrase, "See, it is doing *this* now" from a science fiction book. + +> I honestly expected nothing less. + +I suspect that Neal Stephenson got it from elsewhere, too. I think he basically admits as much, in that he was talking about Husserl at the time. Still, it's proven handy. + +The biggest thing I've taken away from therapy has been an increased sense of self awareness. The ability to say "ah, I am doing *this* now." It is the *thisness* of myself. The *thisness* of my mind. I am able to see myself dipping down into the well of depression. I'm able to see the hypomania that starts to creep into my mind, into my life, and forces me to bury myself in projects. + +> Like this one. + +Yes. That's why I'm moving so much more slowly with it now. I have slid off the pedestal and into the slow morass of depression. I can feel it coloring my life with anhedonia. + +> Not coloring, no. Sapping the color. Not even black-and-white, but an absence. A missingness. + +Yes. + +> But you didn't have this back then. You didn't have the thisness of mental health maturity. You weren't able to see what was going on. + +Yes. I was having panic attacks from day to day. I was caught up in those rising swells of anxiety that would lead to me freezing. Occaisonally, I would have to stop in a rest area on my way home just to calm down enough to continue driving. + +> That's when you started your habit of asking others to tell you good things. + +"Tell me good things," I'd say, and I'd get a slew of responses. Many were along the lines of "You! You're good!" + +> But you weren't able to internalize that. + +Not then, no. Not back then, and especially not during panic attacks. + +Some of them would be "A good thing is that I had a good day at work." That was what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that others were having a good day. I needed to hear that others were *capable* of having good days. I needed to hear that good days were possible, and that I might be in line for one, myself. + +My boss picked up on that, as well as so many other things. "You're so angry," he said. "You're scaring the project manager at times." So he sent me to a psychiatrist. + +> He handed you a check for a thousand dollars and said, "I know it's expensive, so hopefully this helps you out." You never cashed it. + +He sent me to his doctor, doctor Johnston. And he was a pretty good at what he did. + +> You fired him when, after you asked him for a letter of support for hormones, he said, "I don't know enough about that, and you don't even want to know my feelings about it." + +Well, yes, but there's no denying the utility of what he gave me. + +> He gave you exactly what you brought to the table, except with context. + +Yes. I brought my anxiety to the table, and he taught me about it. He spoke my words back to me and added footnotes. He wrote in the margins of my speech and I learned. I learned coping mechanisms and breathing techniques. I got my prescriptions. + +> You brought your anxiety, but not your depression. You thought you just had anxiety, not any mood disorders. Boys didn't have moods, right? You were just anxious. Despite years of experience, you didn't tell him about how you felt. + +No, and there's the problem. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/004.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eadf8fd0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-04 +weight: 4 +--- + +When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me. + +I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that James was worried about how anxious I was. + +> And so you got treated for anxiety. + +And so I got treated for anxiety. I was given clonazepam to take daily and lorazepam for breakthrough anxiety. + +> You have always had issues with control. You always needed to be on top of a situation. + +And all my deepest fears, all of those things I would ruminate on during a panic attack, would surround the fact that I wasn't in control of a situation, yes. It made sense to treat the anxiety. + +> It hurt. + +Yes. I was given a long-acting anxiolytic and a more powerful, shorter-lasting one for breakthrough anxiety. When things hurt, they calmed and soothed the pain. They removed it. + +> They removed a lot more than just the pain of panic. + +Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/005.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..afb9b3dc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-07 +weight: 5 +--- + +The problem of working with clients on a task with a specified end-goal, one that is finished and about which you can say, "ah, it does *this* now", is that when the project is done, there is nothing left. + +> This is a problem with any task. This is a grander problem. + +Yes, even with self-appointed tasks, even with tasks at a non job-shop. It happened just recently, too. I finished my time at IA. I got home from visiting Barac. I got the contract signed at NV. + +If you hit a deadline and succeed, or if you have some work travel, or if you get home from a vacation, suddenly there's this empty bit of your future where there used to be this thing. There's just a void there. A sudden lack of weight. + +> And so, back then, you finished the release at work and also finished the office move in one fell swoop, and went home. + +I went home and took my meds like a good girl, and then proceeded to dissociate right through the evening. + +Dissociation is a hell of a drug. + +> It's a dreamy thing. It's a soft thing. It's a cottony thing. It's a muffled thing. It's watching your hands move. It's watching yourself breathe. It's feeling the air move in and out of you with a distant, slightly confused detachment. It's "ah, it does **this** now", except saying that about some strange machine which is not yourself. + +I watched myself sit down in my chair. I watched myself turn on *Babylon 5*. I watched myself mow through two glasses of gin. + +> You watched yourself with a metaphysical quirk of the eyebrow as you reached forward, grabbed the box of X-acto wood-carving tools --- purchased, doubtless, for some long forgotten project --- and flipped it open. You watched numbly as you slashed open the inside of your arm. There was a moment where you marveled at how long it took for the blood to well up, where you could see the white of subcutaneous fat. + +And then the pain snapped me to. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/006.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8da8685e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-10 +weight: 6 +--- + +Okay, I lied. Just a little bit. + +> Yes. You didn't dissociate through the entire thing. There was no small part of that scene that was horribly, terrfyingly intentional. + +What really woke me up was watching this person-who-was-me somehow go into 'fuck it' mode and tear the shit out of his right arm from one end to the other with a very sharp, very new razor blade. + +It was like the rush of coming to your senses after a nightmare, the pulling forward and the re-anchoring, the flood of adrenaline in preparation for flight. + +It wasn't necessarily the cut that woke me. It was the second or so before when I entered that 'fuck it' mode, and I was too slow, too confused and frightened to stop this person-who-was-me from pulling the ultimate embarrassing act: trying to commit suicide while watching a dumb '90s science fiction show. + +> It was a slow awakening. You weren't just too slow, you were not fully awake yet. The dream of dissociation was still clinging, gauzy, to you. + +
V +I do not know which to prefer, +The beauty of inflections +Or the beauty of innuendoes, +The blackbird whistling +Or just after.
+ +I can remember it so clearly. + +> You can remember it because you still live it. + +Yes. I still feel that slide into someone-else-ness, and then the snap back when drawn back into self-ness. Back into here and now. + +> You felt that last night. + +Yes. + +> You felt that slide into dissociation, felt the folding blade click into place with a vague sense of surprise, then jolted as it drew across your leg. + +Yes. + +> You felt that same jolt of humiliation and pain and anger and fear. + +Yes. + +> Especially this time. You cut too deep. Your usual superficial-yet-still-painful scratch had turned into something of a flay. + +Yes. + +> You needed twelve stitches. You lied and said you dropped your knife while cleaning it. + +Yes. + +> Are you writing about this now because you were, on some subconscious level, working up to this most recent little climax? + +I really don't know. + +> Tell me what happened after. + +I started whispering James' name-- + +> Both times? + +Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. "Can you come help me?" I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that. + +Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, "I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry" over and over again. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/007.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ea0ac97e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-10 +weight: 7 +--- + +I'm so tired. + +> I know. + +Can I let Matthew tell the story? Can I put his words here, and can I catch up on the sleep I missed while in the ER? Can I feel better before I write again? + +> Yes, but don't make a habit of it. + +Okay. + +
The last thing I did before going to bed that night was to send an email to work saying that I would be in later in the day due to an "emergency appointment" in the morning. I certainly couldn't tell them what had actually happened, but I had so thoroughly exhausted myself and still felt so bad that I decided sleeping in would help me out quite a bit. + +I wound up at the office around eleven in the morning, and sat down, feeling tired, worn thin, and still traumatized from the fact that I had apparently acted out something I had thought was just one of those persistent negative thoughts that won't go away, one with no grounding in reality. Within minutes, I received a message from my boss informing me that my attitude in the last few weeks was not acceptable. I had been irritable and angry, to the point where my supervisors felt as though they had to word things so that I wouldn't get upset. + +I was stuck in a weird situation, here. On the one hand, my boss was totally right and I really did need to take a look at how I was interacting with others at work, but on the other hand, I wasn't in a place to do anything about it at the time, and I certainly didn't feel as though I could talk to my boss about what had happened in order to save the conversation for another time. + +I did my best to accept it and trudge through the rest of the day. The plan that was in place before was to follow a friend up to Blackhawk for a free night at a casino hotel that he had available. It seemed like getting out of town might actually help, and it also meant that my workday was significantly shorter than it would've been otherwise. + +The drive after work was calming, and I actually got to the point where I felt as though the night out would be a good change of pace to keep me from going too crazy. + +And you know? The evening really did help. It was a lot of fun spending $20 on roulette and walking away with $60, it was fun eating a ridiculous amount of crab legs, and it was...well, it was mortifying, watching some of saddest people I've ever seen in my life sit, lost, in front of their slot machines. + +We had planned on going hot-tubbing, but, as became clear when I took off my shirt back at the room and exposed the rather bulky bandage along the underside of my arm, that was pretty much out of the question, so we mostly just sat around talking, and, in my case, trying to feel better about the whole thing. + +I was fine until it was time for bed. As is usually the case, the stillness is when I get the worst, in terms of anxiety. That's when it's easiest for my mind to wander, fixate on a subject, and loop over it in all the worst ways for the longest time. The problems started when sleep didn't come. + +And didn't come. + +And still didn't come. + +After a time, I suppose I just lost it. I got up and started pacing the room, walking from the bathroom to the window and back again, clenching and unclenching my hands before I let loose a "Jesus fucking Christ!" + +I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again. + +Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/008.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b592796e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-10 +weight: 8 +--- + + + + + + + + + + + + + +> Where's your tweet from this time? + + + + diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/009.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/009.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..34432727 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/009.md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-10 +weight: 9 +--- + +> You posted about those things publicly, but not privately, not one-on-one. + +I know. I've been called on it before. + +> And since. Why? + +I suppose I need to be seen, but am not brave enough for it to be a conversation. I need to be seen but can't quite ask for help. I've promised everyone that I'm working on it, but the truth is, I don't know how I'd even begin to. + +> Is that what you're doing now? + +Perhaps. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/010.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/010.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..732e368b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-17 +weight: 10 +--- + +> So, what happened after? + +There was an inpouring of confused and sympathetic replies. Some were simply along the lines of "You are loved" and "There are friends all around the world thinking of you", while others were more focused on "But this is all so sudden" and "You didn't say anything was wrong." Someone mentioned a correlation between my medication and dissociation as mentioned. + +You have to understand that, at the time, I was embedded in a casino an hour and a half's drive from work. Casinos are horrifying places to be, even at the best of time. Desperation and sweat. Cigarette smoke and free drinks. The dead eyes of those who must pull the lever, who must pull the lever, who must pull the lever. + +So here I was, with an hour's sleep under my belt, seeing people still gambling, still hurting, answering texts and calls from my boss, and a wave of numb dissociation once more washes over me. + +I drove numbly down to work + +> You sat in your car in front of the building, talking on the phone with Ash. You somehow made it to your desk, though there was no memory of moving from the car. + +"Come with me," Kevin said, and beckoned me out of the office. + +"Sorry about all of the freaking out," I mumbled, once we were out of +earshot. "I think it has to do with the medication, I'm going to call +Dr.-" + +> The office next to + +"I need you to tell me what your plan is," my boss asked. + +"Plan?" + +"Plan to kill yourself." + +"I...don't have a plan, I don't know why," I managed. + +"Well, you need to tell me if anything like that happens again." diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/011.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/011.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ad9434a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/011.md @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-21 +weight: 11 +--- + +
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+ +I can't do this. + +> Of course you can. + +I can't. I can't talk about this. I thought I was done with it. I thought it would be easy enough to go back over this, but I can't. + +> Tell me why not, then? + +I just...I just remember how easy it was to fuck up so badly. I did that a few weeks ago, too. I fucked up real bad, and now I'm stuck with the consequences, all the mechanics of tending to a wound, and all I can think about is how easy it was. It was so easy. It was so easy. + +> Perhaps that's part of what snaps you back into place. Perhaps that's part of what keeps you from following through. The mechanics of wound care. The laser focus on not doing it. Perhaps that's what saves you, in the end: the realization that you have a body leads to the realization that you're alive, confronting mortality leads to the acceptance of life. + +It's harder to *not*. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/012.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/012.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0b533ff0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/012.md @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-21 +weight: 12 +--- + +I can't do this anymore. + +> This topic, or this project? + +I don't know. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/013.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/013.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c004e3e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/013.md @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-21 +weight: 13 +--- + +Let's talk about something else. Please. + +> One more question, and then we can. + +Okay. + +> How far have you come since then? + +I think a long ways. + +> You think? + +Well, every time I think I've come a long ways, I do something horribly stupid again. Every time I think I'm over all this, I tear at myself. Every time I think I'm getting good at talking about my mental health, I wind up in this pit where I have to destroy myself, to make it physically evident that I'm unwell in some invisible way. I always have. I tried to blind myself when I was ten, remember? I tried to lose a finger, a leg. I cut. I burned. + +> Is it about proving that you're unwell? + +How could I possibly prove that I'm too depressed to be around others? How could I possibly prove that I'm too anxious and sad and upset and numb to look at a chat lest the read-receipts show that I am okay enough to exist? How could I possibly prove such a thing when you look at me and see me hale and intact? + +> You are talking about self harm. I asked about suicide. How far have you come since your first suicide attempt. + +I still think about it on the daily. I still obsess over it. Now I'm more likely to just go to bed, though. + +> Is it so simple? + +No, of course not, but look, I'm thirty-three. I'm too old for it to be tragic, too young for it to be a midlife crisis, too healthy for it to be understandable, too sick for it to be a surprise. It would just be sad and weird, not to mention mean to those in my life. I've got that perspective now. I'm thirty-three, I've made it this far, I've worked this hard, and I can at least understand that. + +It's easier to just go to bed and wait it out, or maybe just get out the soldering iron for a bit, because yeah, it still blows, but at least now I know it'll pass, and five months down the line, I can do the same dance all over again. + +> That seems rather fatalistic. + +I'm tired. I don't even know what to do about this anymore, other than wait it out. My doctor got mad at me for saying I've come to terms with feeling like shit for a few weeks every five months or so, that that's just my life forever now. + +I've just never seen any evidence to the contrary. diff --git a/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/_index.md b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..908bb146 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#16161d' +color: '#aaaaaa' +quote: '#999999' +back: '/self-harm/3' +--- + +
Suicide
diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/001.md b/writing/ally/sex/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3fe53e16 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-24 +weight: 1 +--- + +Cathleen Schine writes in *The Evolution of Jane*: + +
I resented the state of childhood wonder.  It was insatiable, yet it seemed to me to be no more than a puerile affliction, like baby teeth.  My ignorance struck me as a bizarre anomaly, for I felt, with utter certainty, that I was --- how can I say this? --- that I was *sufficient*.  Evidence to the contrary forced itself on me every hour of every day, but that seemed to me some preposterous misunderstanding.
+ +And while I don't necessarily have fond memories of childhood-- + +> Clearly not + +--some part of me does rather miss the childlike curiosity with which I was able to approach sexuality early in puberty. It was all so abstract and confusing. Every time I'd try something new, there would be this thrill of danger, this rush of excitement. The lone copy of *Joy of Sex*'s assurances aside, was each burst of pleasure actually something going *horribly wrong?* + +> Ah, to be young and anxious. + +And I really was. Like many kids, I suspect, my first orgasm was terrifying. I thought I'd broken myself. + +> You got over it. + +Boy did I. I soon learned to love masturbation. + +But still, the bit I yearn for was the utter simplicity of my explorations. There was a lot of *does this feel good* and *let's try this* and so on, as I spent hours just trying to figure out what the hell bodies even are. + +> And the best part of it all is that it didn't involve anyone else. Your fantasies were about feeling good, or perhaps about some vague idea of sex as a concept, but it was all so abstract. The orgasm --- later, the delaying of such --- became the highest goal, the purest art. Other people just got in the way. + +It was a bit telling, wasn't it? diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/002.md b/writing/ally/sex/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..756200a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-24 +weight: 2 +--- + +How can one be sexual when the act of engaging in sex is so confusing, so anxiety-inducing as to be not worth it no matter how barked up one is? + +> You're getting ahead of yourself. The solutions arrived before the problem made itself known. + +I suppose so. + +My first sexual experiences took place over the phone and over text. Late night, parked in front of my computer with the cordless pinned between my cheek and shoulder, Danny and I masturbated together 1,800 miles apart. There was only the soft sounds of breathing, the quiet monosyllables, and the rushed reassurances that, yes, we were close, and then a shaky sigh from both of us. + +> You can still hear his voice saying two things: "Mattie", his pet name for you, and the sleepy, giddy kind of "I love you" that comes after an orgasm when you've both stayed up far too late. + +I only met him once. We just smoked weed together in a hotel bathroom, hung out, cuddled. Sex would be too complicated for us, by then. We had gone our different ways. We had become different people. + +> And by then, you'd started encountering the aforementioned problem. + +Yes. + +Another easy solution I latched onto was erotic roleplay. TS. Typefucking. Co-authoring erotica. + +I latched on and wouldn't let go. Still haven't. Beyond even myself, it shows up in my writing: + +
And it was there where I found love. There where I found love and lust and romance and flings. I dated. I TSed (we were, of course, too cool to use so vulgar a word as ‘cyber’). I set up relationships for characters in our games, and I set up relationships that transcended that, two hearts touching through only those white words on a black screen.
+
+Merlin and Marusin, The_Prof and rranger386, people I would dream about and likely never meet. We were all young. We were in love with each other in our own little worlds, serially and in parallel.
+
+And while sometimes I would think about who they were beyond the screen, it was rarely for long. I was in love with Merlin the fighter who hated magic. I was in love with The_Prof the student who desperately wanted to be a professor when he grew up, and didn’t care which subject.
+
+Sometimes I would think about who they were when we TSed, would wonder what it would be like to have their paw instead of my own around my erection, but never for long. It was easier. It was safer to not bother with it.
+
+But our relationships were as real as any collocated flings. More so, we told ourselves, for the purity of essence that came with no flesh to get in the way.
+
+I’m sure we all hungered for touch.
+ +> Did you? + +Did I what? Write bits of my life into furry fiction? + +> Hunger for touch. + +In some cases, sure. I wanted nothing more than to hold, to be held. I wanted nothing more than to experience arousal and climax with these people I loved. + +> And that was the problem. + +Yes. The problem was that I wanted to experience arousal and climax, but not really the whole sex part. Or perhaps I wanted that frictionless sex that can be accomplished in typefucking. I wanted that consequence-free, painless, perfectly-lubricated and utterly mess-less sex. + +Even then, I'm not so sure. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/003.md b/writing/ally/sex/003.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2bae0cdf --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-25 +weight: 3 +--- + +The problem was that I didn't really want sex. I loved the idea of it, loved reading and writing about it, loved ERP, loved consuming art, loved thinking about it, loved masturbating. I just didn't really love sex itself. + +Not for lack of trying, mind. I played around with my partners, tamping down my anxiety and squeamishness in order to try and just enjoy myself, enjoy our times together. Often, I was at least reasonably successful, too. I still have fond memories of some fun romps. + +> What rankled? + +It was a few things, I think. The most obvious being the increasing dissonance between my body and my identity as 'male' started to fit less and less. When having a penis seems odd and discordant, engaging with it feels unsatisfactory at best, nauseating at worst. + +Another was simply the mess of it all. Water-based lube gets sticky. Condoms are finicky. Fluid-bonding is great, but then the mess is magnified. Foreskin is complicated --- a rough weekend of too much masturbation left me scarred, the resulting phimosis making sex something of an adventure. + +I think, most often, it was just that it was a lot of work. You had to set aside time. You had to negotiate. You had to have the condoms handy. You had to have the lube handy. You had to both be willing and on the same page. All perfectly doable, but whether or not it was worth it was something that seemed to vary from day to day. + +> And the shame. + +Yes, there was plenty of that. The unswerving sense that I had messed up. That I was doing something wrong. That this was all so disgusting. That this baffling act of smashing meat together was somehow a positive thing, but I just couldn't see how. + +> You tried to cleanse yourself of that with TIASAP. You also tried going the other way. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it. + +Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it was a matter of the stars aligning. + +Of those fond memories I mentioned, most of them surround lazy, comfortable sex, where everything was just aligned. Giving a cozy blowjob on a couch with no time pressure. Putting my hair up with a chopstick. That Underground party with lube and condoms readily available, and us two incidentally parked near enough that getting started was no stress. Sneaky fingers slipping past elastic waistbands. Tentative touches. + +> Sex that you had for fun. Sex with people you were close to. Sex with no expectations. + +Which I suppose is how it should be, but that rarely seems to be the case. Even when JD and I had moved in together and were sexually active, it was often more stress than it was worth. + +> And then you gave up trying to conquer shame. + +Yes. And since, by that point, every sexual act I engaged with left me feeling awful, I effectively gave up on sex. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/004.md b/writing/ally/sex/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8e02d74d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-25 +weight: 4 +--- + +> Where did the shame come from? + +I'm not sure. I've got a few ideas, though. + +The first is likely that, as a queer person, societal shame is just part of our lives. We're not normal, after all. The sex we have doesn't line up with the sex we *should* have. + +I certainly bought into that, despite all of my efforts. Homosexual stuff was fine online, of course, because it was all so idyllic and perfect. No muss, no fuss. To be confronted with just how much of a mess sex can be offline, especially between two bepenised individuals, left me feeling like somehow I was falling short of that ideal. + +> Perhaps that is the crux of the shame: sex should be easy, and you should be good at it, if your online sex life was anything to go by. That it isn't and that you aren't felt like an indictment. + +Yes. The second idea that I have is that there was that misalignment between body and mind that started in 2005 and just grew wider over time. This put that indictment in very stark terms: sex should be easy, I should be good at it, and I should be a girl, if my online sex life was anything to go by, and I was none of those things. + +> Has the shame lessened since transition? Since surgery? + +Oh, quite a bit. I still feel like I'm not very good at it, that it's not easy, but I no longer have that overwhelming sense that I'm lying to everyone I lay with. + +> Your other ideas? + +Two. The first is subtler, and more of a subset of stuff already mentioned. To be raised a boy in America in the 90s is to be raised with the competing ideas that women are people and that women are sexual objects. Having sex is a balancing act between claiming what is rightfully yours as a man and treating a woman right. + +To then be gay, and especially then to bottom, is to turn every bit of that on its head. You become the sexual object. You become the person who should be treated right. You fulfill all these obligations placed on sex, but somehow manage to do so completely wrong. You fuck it all up. + +> The other? + +Getting raped just kind of messes you up. + +> Ah. + +So, let's talk about kink. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/005.md b/writing/ally/sex/005.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cae8e65d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 5 +--- + +I can't let this go. + +> Why not? + +I just can't. I doubt it's possible, but I need to somehow get this off my chest. I need to be able to throw enough words at it that it leaves me alone. I need...not a solution, but perhaps some sense of closure, of having explained it well enough that I may be forgiven. + +> Forgiven what? Your trespasses? Your sins? + +Perhaps. Perhaps I need to be forgiven my inadequacies. + +> Explain away, then. + +I spend a lot of time walking circles around the concept of asexuality. It's an uncomfortable thought, an identity that itches for someone who feels attraction, who otherwise enjoys the idea of sex, is capable of even enjoying the act. + +> So long as it doesn't actually involve you. + +Yes. + +Autochorissexualism, they call it, though the word is clunky to the point of inoperable. The feeling of being generally positive on sex to the point of getting turned on, so long as it doesn't actually involve oneself. Fictional characters, visual art, and text-based role-play seem to be the bailiwick of such. + +I suppose, if you spend so much time feeling a fundamental disconnect from your body, such an identity is almost bound to form. Even before I felt so plagued by dysphoria that interacting sexually was problematic in its own right, even before I was able to engage with another person sexually in, as it were, the flesh, I was embedded in long distance relationships where sexual interaction was based on the idea of sex rather than the actual practice of it. + +> Was that a choice? + +I don't know. I suppose, on some level, it was. Could I have dated someone local instead of Danny? Instead of Marek or Andrew? Sure, I guess. + +> But you didn't. + +No. + +> Why not? + +I suppose that would have required me coming out to my parents more formally. Or, perhaps, it would've required me gaining a level of sneakiness in my social interactions that I don't think I'm really capable of. + +Not only that, but I dove into furry halfway through puberty, and I dove in *hard*. It was my distraction from a shitty few years of life, from a shitty entry into puberty. And, with the whole running away fiasco, the sudden moving of schools, it was my whole social circle. + +And hey, one dates within one's social circle, right? That would require having a local furry scene. + +> You had Shannon and Ash. + +Well, yes, but Ash and I had known each other since second grade. Something about it didn't feel right. And this is back when I was very, very gay. For better or for worse, Shannon and I were not relationship material. + +> Had you been more open to dating women, do you think you would have been? + +Perhaps. I don't know how long that would have lasted, though, had we gone in that direction. After a time, we simply became better friends material than we would have made relationship material. + +> There was Pilot. + +We were in no way compatible. + +> There was Michael. + +I *knew* it. I knew that was coming. I could feel you winding up to throw that in my face. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/006.md b/writing/ally/sex/006.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2ea64f87 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 6 +--- + +> So, tell me about Michael in a second, but tell me why you knew that was coming. + +Why should I? We both know. + +> Because it's important that you be able to contextualize this discussion. + +It was the order of your questions. It was the way you came at things so circuitously. It was the way you asked about the local furry scene specifically without mentioning him. It's the way you nudged me about Shannon before bringing him up. + +> Was that uncouth? + +A little. Ask about relationships as relating to a woman, then ask me about when I started dating a trans man. Are you my internalized transphobia? + +> Not my department. You hate yourself far more than this conversation entails. + +Of course. + +> Still, the answer is no. I do not ask about him out of some weird sense of transphobia, so much as because, with Shannon, you mentioned being very, very gay, and yet your relationship with Michael was still sexual. + +So? + +> There is an aspect of biology here that needs mentioning. + +Or at least talking around in circles. + +> No, mentioning. You went into your relationship with him gay to the point of describing your aversion to vaginas, and you came out of it solidly bi despite him being a man. + +Point. + +> Yes. + +Our relationship was indeed sexual. It didn't involve PiV sex until it was no longer a romantic relationship, but there's no denying the that aspect of it. There's no denying the attraction, even if at the time, I chalked it up to him being transmasculine. + +> Was there perhaps some aspect of **doppelwunsch** to it? Some bit of "I don't know whether I want to be with him or be him"? + +If so, it was only the tiniest shadow of a prelude. We dated when I was seventeen and eighteen. I didn't really do the whole *gosh, maybe I'm trans* thing until I was in my mid twenties. + +> Hindsight is 20/20. + +I hate that phrase. + +> 2016: "I think "hindsight is twenty-twenty" is better reserved for cases +when seemingly unrelated occurrences come together to form an outcome +that seems to be greater than the sum of the parts. It fits best when +you look back at your life and see disparate, unconnected events come +together to make the situation you find yourself in now." + +You throw my words back at me? + +> Yes. + +Fine. Yes. Perhaps there was some aspect of *doppelwunsch* to our relationship. Still, that does not take away from the fact that suddenly, sexuality became far more complex for me. Suddenly, there was attraction to someone who wasn't simply another gay furry on the internet. + +> It opened you up. "Ah," you thought. "Perhaps the reason sex doesn't work so well with guys is maybe I'm more into women." + +That's putting it quite glibly, but perhaps in a way, yes. + +> So you dated Kayla. + +Yes. We even had sex a few times. + +> And were you more into women? + +I don't know. I think that's the point at which it stopped mattering. That's the point I started calling myself pan. That's the point I stopped keeping track. + +> Because nothing was working. + +Yeah. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/007.md b/writing/ally/sex/007.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e11ee86 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 7 +--- + +I feel it important to add that it's not that sex itself feels bad. + +> Why? + +Why does it not feel bad? + +> No. Why do you feel it important to add that? + +Because to not do so would do a disservice to my years trying to be sexually active. They weren't bad years, and I did have some success at it. + +JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends. + +> So if the sex was pretty good, if you still had a lot of fun playing around with your husband, why did you stop? Why did you eventually remove your choice in the matter and chemically castrate yourself? + +Perhaps because I resented needing sex. I was insatiable, yet it seemed to me to be no more than a puerile affliction, like baby teeth. + +I resented how I shared so many wonderful and complete sexual interactions with people when my own body was not involved. I resented how how good sex *could* be and yet never was. I resented how easy it was for some people to have good sex when, for me, even at my freest, I was so rarely able to manage much more than a confused, anxious jumble of physical interaction that was driven so often by the mere need to ejaculate. + +> You resented that you had to take part so wholeheartedly, too. You resented that you had to stop, to do nothing but sex for so long. + +Yes. I could typefuck and read. I could typefuck and do homework. I could typefuck and browse porn. I could typefuck twice at the same time, or three times, spending time with one person on SPR and another on FurryMUCK, or hell, two people on one MUCK, one in the same room while paging another elsewhere. + +Hell, I resent having to focus on a single thing even now. Even as I write this, I'm on a train with no cell signal, and I resent the fact that I have to focus just on this without the ability to tab over and, say, chat with someone. + +> Do you resent this forced interaction with me? + +No, or perhaps no more than usual. I would resent being only able to work on typesetting or software, too, just as I resent going out to the movies for making me do nothing but consume a single piece of media. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/008.md b/writing/ally/sex/008.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4408949e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 8 +--- + +> So if sex makes you feel anxious and confused, how does being asexual --- or, as you say, autochorissexual --- make you feel? + +Other than uncomfortable and itchy? I think that's how I described it earlier. + +> Yes. + +I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore. + +He's not my only partner, though. Robin is still sexual. Barac is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons. + + + +> You enjoyed it. + +I did, that hasn't changed from what I mentioned before. Sex can feel good, physically. It feels better now after surgery than it did before, too. Sometimes, I think, "Aha, this must have solved it. Now I'm able to do what I never was before." And then, when confronted with the reality, everything is still problematic. + +It's just that, having had surgery has only removed one aspect of the anxious and confused grossness that goes along with the act. It only removed the dysphoria (and of course the complications of phimosis). It didn't fix my other hangups. + +> What are the other hangups? + +The discomfort. + +The mess. + +The guilt. + +The imperfection. + +> Imperfection? + +The sense that were we doing something else, we might both be happier. + +The sense that, no matter how smoothly I might move, I must surely be doing a bad job, I must be falling short in some way. + +The sense that, no matter how many times I ask the other person whether something feels good or is allowed, I must be somehow betraying their consent by gaining pleasure from this act. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/009.md b/writing/ally/sex/009.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0c3a76d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/009.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 9 +--- + +> Were you able to become a truly sexual person, would you? + +Probably. + +> What would that look like? + +I'm not sure. Sexual liberation? All that stuff online, being able to do at least some of it in person? Some fantasies coming true? I'm writing this on my way to a furry convention where I'll be around three of my partners. Maybe it would look like having comfortable sex with them. Maybe it would be some low-consequences sex with friends, many of whom will also be there. + +Perhaps it would simply look like less shame. + +> Shame, according to Brené Brown, is rooted in vulnerability. Shame is the sense that "you are bad", as opposed to the "you did a bad thing" that goes along with guilt. + +Yes. And there is some aspect of vulnerability that is healthy, but just an aspect of it, not the whole of it. + +Were I able to become a truly sexual person, I'd probably do it. + +> Do you feel bad that you aren't, then? + +To an extent, but not bad enough to hunt down some sort of "fix". I don't feel broken, *per se*, at least not always, but I do feel like I'm missing out on something wonderful. I don't feel broken, but maybe I do feel a little jealous. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/010.md b/writing/ally/sex/010.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..67306746 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 10 +--- + +> Do you think you are becoming more comfortable with sex over time? + +Yes, as I've mentioned. + +> Spell it out plainly. + +Okay. + +Surgery helped. Hell, transition as a whole helped. Being a girl has helped. Sure, it might be nice to be the penetrating partner, but I also dearly love being penetrated, and this has added that to my life. + +Talking and thinking about it has helped. I spend a lot of time working on this, because even if I can't become a sexual person, becoming more comfortable with being an asexual person would be a good thing. + +Even kink has helped, as mentioned. As has typefucking. I've started interacting more as Makyo lately, as an explicitly transgender character, as someone so very like myself. I'll never be able to have anything other than complicated and weird trans sex as a complicated and weird trans woman, and so doing so intentionally, owning the less-than-ideal realities of my body and mind in a place where it's so easy to take part in the ideal feels like a healthy step forward. + +> Late bloomer that you are, you're learning that all of the less-than-ideal aspects of sex are a part of the whole experience, and that you can still have fun despite them. + +Yes. Let me own the lube and the awkward positions. Let me own the wet spots and the performance anxiety. Let me own my weird-as-hell body. And then let me own sexuality. I would be plenty happy with that. + +> But you're not unhappy now. + +No, I'm not unhappy. I'm happy with this, really. I'm happy with fantasy and art and TS. I'm happy with verbal teasing and masturbation. + +The only bit I'm really unhappy about is that it keeps me from making others happy. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/_index.md b/writing/ally/sex/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..15b24190 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /poly/6 +background: '#eeeef8' +color: '#111111' +quote: '#333333' +--- + +
Frank discussions of sex and sexuality
+ + diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/kink/001.md b/writing/ally/sex/kink/001.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2f8ffefc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/kink/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-25 +weight: 1 +--- + +What do you do when you've got a libido and relatively little will to act upon it? + +Delve into kink. + +> Well, and fuck around on Taps a lot. + +The two go hand in hand. When sex makes you intensely anxious, it turns out that getting tied up and blindfolded just sort of multiplies that anxiety. + +> So you removed yourself from the equation. + +Close enough, yes. I let my characters bear the weight of kink and sexual interaction. Textually, there's a vast divide between what's on the screen and what's going on in person. I can get all I need from kink without actually needing to interact with it. + +> And what do you need from kink? + +Beyond just fantasy fulfillment? A way to cope, I suppose. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/kink/002.md b/writing/ally/sex/kink/002.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d2f1b0a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/kink/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-25 +weight: 2 +--- + +[![Kink bingo](/sex/kink/bingo.svg)](https://bbbingo.me/preparations-squadrons-voices-spans) + +> I'm not really sure what to make of the fact that you made a bingo card for your kinks. + +Well, hey, hit bingo, and maybe I explode or something. Besides, [bbbingo](https://bbbingo.me) was for a game jam. + +> So tell me about your free space. + +Actually, I think many of them come from a similar space: recasting bad or uncomfortable experiences from childhood into some positive light. A way to reclaim them and make them positive again. + +> How is humiliation positive? + +Okay, maybe some of them are not so much 'again'. + +> I don't imagine non-consensual sex ever was, no. + +Not really, but using kink as a coping mechanism for anxieties around rape is at least a way forward for me. + +Ditto humiliation. Being made to feel inadequate, often by people I was supposed to look up to, was such a negative force in my life --- in Matthew's life --- that it left me with quite a bit of baggage. This is just a way to sort through it. + +> Sexily. + +I suppose. It's something of a metakink. Many of the others stem from that, or from a similar core interest. + +Scent-play as a means of degradation: why would a snow leopard smell of canine? Fits in nicely with knotting. Why not toss in some species denial, too; no more kitty, you say 'arf' now. + +Scruffing, in the context of furry, especially with felines, is a means of rendering one helpless. Coercion and weakened mental states fit as well. Those all sort of tag along with the non-consensual core kink + +> So, pain and blood? Breathplay? + +Yes. Abuse. Damage. Bad ends. + +> Where do those come from? + +Self hatred. Self harm. Destroy me before I destroy myself. + +> Really? + +No, of course not. + +> But some part of you actively believes that? Some part of you actively craves someone destroying you? Beating you bloody? Choking you? Leaving you for dead with casual nonchalance? + +Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/kink/003.html b/writing/ally/sex/kink/003.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b1edfedc --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/kink/003.html @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-25 +weight: 3 +--- + +
Why are you doing this?
+ +

It's sensitive. It's difficult to talk about. It's my life, it's my site, it's my art. Why would I not?

+ +
Because this is supposed to be honest. This is supposed to be you baring your soul to the world. This is supposed to be your memoir.
+ +

I suppose. But still, it is mine, first and foremost.

+ +
+ + +
+ +
+ + + + diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/kink/004.md b/writing/ally/sex/kink/004.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c413c008 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/kink/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-25 +weight: 4 +--- + +> Do you enjoy vanilla sex, then? + +Perhaps. I suppose I must. So much of what I did for so long, online and off, was vanilla. Even now, much of it is. + +> Yet "sneps are for abusing". + +Yes. + +> Why? + +I enjoy vanilla sex. It feels good. All this kink, though, helps me grow. It's exposure therapy. + +It was exposure therapy when a TS partner on Taps laughed in my face as he raped me and left me to clean myself up. It is exposure therapy because I can say no, because I can enjoy being tied up now. + +It was exposure therapy when I was ordered to describe what I wanted in lurid detail. It's exposure therapy because I can talk about sex now. + +It was exposure therapy when I entered into a few master/pet relationships. It's exposure therapy because at some point I was able to handle a power-dynamic in my relationships. + +It was exposure therapy when I spent scene after scene toying with fertility. It's exposure therapy because at some point I was able to deal with the idea of not being cis, of motherhood being unattainable. + +It was exposure therapy when I made my character a pudgy nerd and still able to engage with her sexually. It's exposure therapy because I've been able to come to terms with my body. + +> It's exposure therapy because at some point, you started enjoying sex --- or at least enjoying it more --- and the thought of sharing that with someone. + +Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/kink/_index.md b/writing/ally/sex/kink/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d2052d4b --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/kink/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /sex/4 +background: '#17111a' +color: '#ffffff' +quote: '#ffffff' +--- + +
Frank discussions of sexuality and kink (along with some problematic ones)
+ + diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/kink/unspeakable.md b/writing/ally/sex/kink/unspeakable.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b749a6d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/kink/unspeakable.md @@ -0,0 +1,39 @@ +> Carry on, then. + +The problem with abuse is that it robs you of time. If you have to cut out a portion of your past in order to live with yourself, suddenly that whole period of your life is something you miss out on entirely. + +It might not hit you until later the full impact of that statement, of course, but we live all these different parts of our lives for a reason. Miss out on childhood, and suddenly you're a person who came into being out of nothingness at eighteen or whatever. Miss out on something, and you're a person missing all the context of a full life. You're a person who can't engage with those who do manage to lead a full life because you have no shared context. + +> Compile that with rape, and you wind up with hangups. + +Yes. + +Let's pile being gender non-conforming, as well, and suddenly puberty is something that happens to other people. It's not yours. It's not something that ever happened, and it takes on this nearly magical significance. You learn about puberty from YA, from whimsical, whispered accounts from friends. + +To want to reclaim that, take part in something so revered in society is natural. Or maybe just recast what you *did* experience as something positive would be nice, right? Maybe even try to live a healthy life with what you've got by engaging with with your experiences, trying to understand them as you go. + +> And so here you are, some part of you intensely refocused on living the puberty you never had. Here you are roleplaying as a puberty-stricken girl after how poorly being a puberty-stricken boy treated you. Here you are, an only child who only had step-siblings for eight years or so living out fantasies of incest online. + +You can see where the shame might come from. + +I understand the stated reasons for ageplay and such being frowned upon in society (I certainly hear about it often enough), don't get me wrong. This is a topic I would never engage with outside of consenting roleplay between adult players. + +> It's not risqué unless it comes with a disclaimer. + +But the sheer, overwhelming ire and disgust surrounding absolutely anything to do with it is enough to give even someone who prides themselves on openness pause. + +Twitter and Mastodon, glorious platforms that they are, necessitates a separate identity. Not enough to feel torn in two, you have to *actually* be torn in two. When I bitch about being 'canceled' this is why. My life would be utterly destroyed were I public about trying to be healthy with it. + +> Thus encrypting this section. + +Thus encrypting this section. + +It's something I've talked to a grand total of two people about. An additional two know about it, and one other suspects but politely doesn't engage. It's something I actively keep secret from at least one member of my immediate polycule. I have little desire to change that. + +> 'Little.' + +Hush. + +Anyway, as this project is built for such, I'm just trying to put this in words for myself, for us, to remember where I'm coming from. + +For those of you who can't read it, I'm sorry. I've encrypted my apology, because to apologize to you would tip my hand, and my life would be over. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/rape/01.md b/writing/ally/sex/rape/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e95176e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/rape/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 1 +--- + +> Tell me about rape. + +No. + +> Talk in circles around it, then, and then tell me why you won't tell me about it. Or vice versa. I don't care. I'm not picky as to the order. + +Fine. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/rape/02.md b/writing/ally/sex/rape/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f3d56ae --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/rape/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 2 +--- + +Let's say, as we have already, that you spend much of puberty up in your head, and then when you start branching out into engaging sexually with others, you do so in a purely intellectual way. One which involves some sort of platonic ideal of sexuality. You never feel awkward. Everything always just works. + +Let's just take that for granted. + +Let's also take for granted that this mechanism of interaction is one wherein getting out of a sexual interaction that is uncomfortable, or pressured, or hell, even nonconsensual is a matter of just...stopping. Come up with an excuse. Come up with some lie. Eschew the truth in favor of making the other person happy, as you would your father. + +> That's not possible. Being pressured into typefucking is just as easy as it is to be pressured into sex in the embodied world. + +I'll agree with that. Take it for granted, then that this is what you believe. You believe that consent is implicit in the act, because to revoke consent is as simple as signing off or pretending that your parents walked in on you. + +> Okay. + +Now take the type of person who takes all that for granted, and put them in a situation with someone who has an overbearing personality, who gets what they deserve, and who deserves you. Take that type of person and put them in a situation where sex is expected of them. + +What do you suppose happens? + +> The topic at hand. + +Yes. + +Now, what do you suppose happens to such a person who gets taken advantage of, who winds up in a situation they shouldn't be in, who gets raped, and then put them out into a world full of sexual people, where it is expected that one be sexual. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/rape/03.md b/writing/ally/sex/rape/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..81790b59 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/rape/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 3 +--- + +> Do you think that you are asexual because you were raped? + +No. + +> That was quick. + +No, I can promise you that, if there is a simple cause for me being ace (and there emphatically isn't), it's my reliance on TS. I found sex confusing, baffling, and kind of gross long before I had my own little struggle with consent. + +Being ace, being autochorissexual, even if I didn't have the words for it, even if I didn't believe in such a thing, even if such a thing couldn't possibly apply to me, was the case from the very beginning of my embodied sexual interactions. It was the case from the very beginning. It was the case from when I lost my virginity, however slippery the concept is. + +> Ah yes, was it the first time you masturbated with someone? Was it the first time you had oral sex? Anal? + +Life's complicated for a gay boy. + +> So much easier for a trans girl. + +We've been over that. + +> Fair enough. Do you think that being raped prevented you from coming to terms with your asexuality? + +I think so, yes. + +> Less quick. + +It's unclear to me. It's something of a new thought I've had lately. Was part of what kept me struggling and striving to have a healthy sexual existence due to me trying to overcome this aspect of my past? + +Beyond that, was TIASAP me accepting that I wasn't succeeding? + +Perhaps. + +> Perhaps. Perhaps you needed exposure to a certain level of knowledge surrounding identity before you could truly accept it. Perhaps you needed to circle around it like you're circling around the event at hand. Perhaps you needed to side-eye it, because looking at it directly would surely blind you. It was too bright. It was the wrong color, some impossible shade of blue. It made your head hurt and your gorge rise. + +Perhaps. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/rape/04.md b/writing/ally/sex/rape/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..86c191b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/rape/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +--- +date: 2020-01-15 +weight: 4 +--- + +> So why **are** we talking circles around it? + +Because, at some level, the experience itself is unimportant. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole. + +What *is* important is the ramifications. What is important is the fact that I have to live with the person I became when I was disabused of all of those silly, romantic notions of implied consent and this strange idea that I could just stop an act, even if it meant lying. + +> Lying always worked so well with your dad, did it? + +No, and now I was finding out that this was the case in relationships beyond just typefucking. It made me realize, on some level, how superficial my interactions up until this point had been. I had gone from being the type of person who believed she was living an earnest life with earnest people, enjoying deep relationships, falling in love. + +> Were you not? + +Perhaps I was on some level, but I was missing this key component: that my actions have consequences. + +Not that I'm blaming myself for what happened, of course. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole, after all. But non-action is still an action. Not saying no was still an action. Being unwilling to learn about the fact that my actions have consequences was an action. + +It called into question how passive I had been in the past. It called into question how little I had been saying no in the past. It called into question how little I had actually learned about how the world worked. + +> "Coming to terms with being a terrible person," you wrote. + +Yes, and I wrote that in the thick of this realization. At that point, I was coming to terms with all of these things, the passivity and the willful ignorance. + +I was coming to terms with how much I was hurting those around me, and just how much I had to learn. + +> And boy howdy. + +Yeah. I would continue to hurt those around me for years. I still do. I'm getting better, though. I'm willing to learn, now. + +> "I cannot possibly bow low enough, I cannot possibly apologize with enough sincerity to make up for the hurt I've caused you," you wrote. + +Yes. And I stand by it. + +I have much to learn, but I've come a long ways from who I used to be. + +The specifics of what happened aren't really important. What is important is the moment before, and the moment after. + +> The blackbird whistling, or just after. diff --git a/writing/ally/sex/rape/_index.md b/writing/ally/sex/rape/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..908c1402 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/sex/rape/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +type: serial +background: '#330000' +color: '#dccccc' +quote: '#cbbbbb' +--- + +
Rape
diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/01.md b/writing/ally/writing/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..acd445f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-27 +weight: 1 +--- + +Today, my therapist asked what the plot was to this new writing project. + +> Me! + +Pretty sure you're just the antagonist. + +> Come now, don't say that about yourself. + +Right. + +I stammered something about how it was more about overriding themes. I wrote about alcoholism. I wrote about dad. I wrote about all those little side-quests. "It's about the way creativity affects and is affected by all these different things in my life," I said. + +"Were you not creative when you drank?" + +"Certainly not as much as I am now that I've stopped." + +"This sounds exhausting," she said. + +"Well, it is, in a way. It's very easy to write. It flows onto the screen far easier than any fiction or article I've written before, but it leaves me totally beat afterward." + +> You're really good at wearing yourself out. You spin in circles around the smallest things. You wind up exhausting yourself on the daily. + +I suppose I do, at that. + +> Well? You sound unsure of how you answered her. + +This project is sort of ill-defined. + +> You are ill-defined. + +Not going to deny that. + +I'd say a lot of this project is accidental, unintentional. I stumble about at the end of your lead and, as you say, spin circles around the smallest of things. It's hard to come at this with some sort of idea of a plot. I can't even work chronologically, because if we work from the beginning of Matthew's life back in 2000, we keep having to double back and look at proto-Matthew's life before that, and to understand that, we keep having to look at all these other people. + +> There are too many of you. + +Says my ally. + +> Point well taken. + +All the same, I'm not sure that I answered her incorrectly. The core conceit of this project is one of creativity. Not anything so guided and structured as *writing* or *composing* or *programming*, but that raw, primal thing from which the others spring. + +> Or seep, depending on the day. + +It's about the ways in which this idea, this entity impinges itself upon various things in my life. It's about the ways I shape and am shaped by it. It's about turning it back in on itself, as much as I can, and applying creativity to the idea of creativity itself. + +> Using words. + +Well, mostly words so far, yes, though I'm slowly incorporating bits of other things in there, too. + +> There's another metaphor to be made here. Remade, actually. You keep winding up stuck on these very abstract concepts. You keep talking about your complex feelings on your dad or on the way Margaras' death affected you or on mysticism, and then you circle them again and again, now narrowing, now widening, in an attempt to triangulate some imagined center. + +Writing, composing, programming, those are all inexact tools to apply toward inexact goals, though. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to try and focus through words? Is it wrong to try and figure out more of how you think through something creative? + +> No, but it **is** important that you be cognizant of that fact. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/02.md b/writing/ally/writing/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e779dfa7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-27 +weight: 2 +--- + +All of writing, all of creativity is selfish. To take some idea or some concept and to set it down on paper and say, "I made this" is selfish, of course, but to then take that thing and show it to others with the expectation that they might get something out of it as well is taking that several steps further. + +To sit down in front of the keyboard and to say, "I am going to write a story about a person who runs away from home to escape her fundamentally unhappy life" and to then take that story, post it on the internet, submit it to anthologies, publish it in a collection and attempt to get others to read it, is selfish. It's an act of improvement for the writer, sometimes on a very real basis, if there is money to be made in the process. + +To sit down in front of the keyboard, however, and say, "I am going to write a story about me when I ran away to escape my fundamentally unhappy life", well, now we're up to three levels of selfishness. I try and nail down an idea to paper or screen and say, somehow, that it is *right* and *good*, I make that idea about *myself*, and then I try to show that idea to *others*... + +> Is there no good to be had from memoirs, then? From any autobiographical content? + +There's certainly good to be had for the writer, for the creator. On my end, I'm making something that I both feel proud about and am learning from. I'm learning more about this art, I'm learning more about all of these problems I'm tackling --- I didn't know, for instance, just how conflicted I was about my dad until I started writing that section of the site. I though, *oh, I'll write about my past and make the final point that I've had to accept that there's a certain amount of my dad that I'm comfortable having in my life, a certain level of relationship that's acceptable*. I was not expecting to learn, through writing, just how conflicted I am about him still. + +> And for others? Is there not enjoyment to be gained from that which you create? + +*Disappearance* was good, I thought. I got a lot of good words sent my way from some folks that mean a lot to me for it. The story left an impact on them, they came away from it with some sort of enjoyment, or at least some level of emotional resonance. + +This project, though? I don't know. there are bits that I've tried to make enjoyable. I had fun with the koans and birds. I put a lot of emotional investment into the bits about Margaras and my dad. I tried to do some fun mixed-media stuff with the fursoña animations and the mysticism stuff. I can see those being enjoyable. + +> And the rest? + +I don't know. Honestly. + +> What about applicability? + +I...hmm. + +> You came into this page thinking, "Ah yes, time to dunk on myself again", didn't you? + +I guess I did. Self-deprecation runs deep in queer lives. Self-doubt plagues artists. Self-deception runs in the family. + +> Selfishness is defensible when it leads to entertainment, applicability, or self-improvement. + +To an extent. At some point, it's just narcissism. At some point gets so "treat yourself" that one loses sight of collective improvement. + +> Of course. Are you really in danger of such? + +Constantly, feels like. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/03.md b/writing/ally/writing/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..61555d0d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-27 +weight: 3 +--- + +The first poetry I remember writing was back before high school. At some point I picked up the poetry bug and decided I was going to try my hand at it. Finding it hard, I quit after the first poem I wrote. It was something really, *really* bad, too. Something where all I knew about poetry was that it should rhyme, so I sacrificed...well, everything in search of a rhyme. Readability. Sense. It was horrifying. + +> You find a lot of your old stuff horrifying. Play can be creative. + +Sure. Play teaches us how to be creative. A lot of creativity is playful. + +This went a step back from that. Play is important, sure, but it didn't make anything I'd actually call a poem. It was an innocent mockery in the same way as a boy trying on his dad's shoes and blazer. + +I suppose it's a good thing that a lot of my early works are lost to time. + +> You filled reams of paper and countless blank books with drawings and doodles and words. You drew maze after maze on copy paper. You grew exceptionally fond of creating parabolic curves with straight lines. You went through a phase of drawing elaborate worlds of ramps and springs and houses for tiny spherical creatures with horns for mouths. Do you miss none of that? + +In a cute sort of way, I suppose. It was fun. I would laugh at it now, but I wouldn't find anything new to build off of it. After all, this project is built off writings after I was born. All that is from proto-Matthew. + +> You drew an entire comic set in the world of Garth Nix's Abhorsen trilogy, except the main characters were foxes. You filled a few notebooks with furry art, too. You kept a diary well after your dad destroyed the first one, intended originally as letters to send to your friend. You called it Julene. You later feared that would be creepy, and changed it to Kai. Do you miss none of that? + +I kept some, of course. Some of it is irrevocably online. I couldn't remove it if I wanted to. + +I burned the journal, though. It was a remnant of proto-Matthew. It was from before I was born. + +> At what point did play cease being just play, then? At what point did creativity assert itself? + +When I started singing. When I first heard Madrigals sing during my first choir concert. When I stopped drawing and started writing. When I realized that there was more to art than playing at art. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/04.md b/writing/ally/writing/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7cea213d --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,265 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-29 +weight: 4 +--- + +> I assume you went looking for one of these execrable poems of yours? + +I did. I wasn't really able to find much from The Before Times, but I found a few from shortly after while prowling through my LiveJournal and archives of my old site in high school. + +> [RedFox! Productions](https://web.archive.org/web/2005*/http://ranna.babylonia.flatirons.org/), right? + +Gah, yeah. I was a kid, alright? + +> If you say so. + +September 26, 2003: + +
I. +Borne through air, + Close my eyes. +Wind ruffles hair + Soul sighs, + Heart flies; +I’m the wind. + +I flow east: + Over the plains, +Over land creased. + Current refrains, + Cloud stains +As I build. + +Trees bow at my + Will +To move drives me + Onward +I push through + Mountains +Do nothing but + Divert +The rain as I + Flow. + + +II. +Borne through air - + Rise up high - +Driven there, + Earth nigh, + I sigh; +I’m the wind. + +I flow west: + Past the lakes, +Water my guest; + Thunder makes + Noise, wakes, +As I storm. + +Sand flies at my + Force +Builds as I + Push +Across the + Land +Flows beneath my + Self +Means nothing to + Wind. + + +III. +Borne through air, + Through the night +And dawn fair. + No fight, + Only flight; +I’m the wind. + +I flow south + On the ocean, +On delta’s mouth + My motion + Just notion +As I breathe. + +Waves break as I + Drive +Past the thin + Sands +Lift themselves to my + Body +Waxes as I + Press +Through the stillness of + Night. + + +IV. +Borne through air, + Around the world +And forests I tear; + Ferns furled, + Trees burled; +I am the wind. + +I flow north, + Across the ice; +I roll forth + Past spice – + So nice – +As I change. + +Men bask as I + Warm +Drops of rain + Fall +Colored leaves + Shiver +Because of the + Chill +Wind blows on + Past.
+ +> It's not without its own sense of charm. + +I suppose. It's crude. It's a bit heavy-handed. + +> Your others are not? + +Well, okay, fair. I like to think that I've improved nonetheless. + +> Are these old ones not creative? Are they still just play? + +The more I think of it, the more I think it's that they're just too...work. They're not creative, because they're too mechanical. I had realized that writing wasn't just play, so I stopped playing altogether. + +> Wrong answer. + +Tell me about it. + +January 11, 2003: + +
What hath man wrought! + When faced with the question of love + Or seeking peace with the answer thereof, +Or faced with life peril-fraught, + Created a god, or several, to satisfy + Some need to fulfill or deny + A lacking - + A slacking + On someone else's behalf, + Or his own behalf - +And on the world a question of faith brought. + +And when a man, endowed + With the ability to make his own God, + Does so with nary a nod, +And finds the god shan't be cowed, + What does he then? + And when a group of men + Make their God + With nary a nod, + And cow him easily, rightly + To them, and find him tightly +bound, what then, with a god bowed? + +What then, indeed, should a God, + Now lesser than his creators, do + When his creators move to gods new? +Is he then still a God? + Or is that when God dies, + Not bloated with swarms of flies, + But forgotten? + Not rotten, + Forgotten and immortal, what then? + Does he hope to come again, +Rising a second time, perhaps again to be God? + +One would hope that the God, being omniscient + Would realize he was no longer, otherwise + Might he become destructive? Likewise, +A god, waiting patient + Could become restless, + Try to leave his creators breathless, + Again, + But then, + Be pronounced a heretic + By all but the hermetic +And others of the new God ignorant. + +So hence a people divided + Those of Whispers and those of Nanon, + Fight to the tooth and fight to the bone, +Until over Whispers Nanon presided; + And when those of Nanon took + Speech from the Whispers so as to look + And not hear, + They here + Those of Whispers with + Supposed powers of myth +Of creation with speech's remnants provided. + +So it was before the fall of Whispers that + Faith of most all lay in technology, + Remnants of religion lay in astrology +And superstitious fears like the black cat. + Only after the fall did the faiths + Of only the Whisperers turn to mysterious wraiths + And gods, + But the odds + That one of the gods was taken more seriously + Than the rest was small, and not mysteriously, +The small bit of Faith quickly passed as society's scat + +Now, it's come that those of Nanon have all but forgotten + Those of Whispers except perhaps in myth + Maybe portrayed as consorting with +Black cats or something equally rotten. + But for the Whisperers, the city + Of Nanon is very real, also denial of pity + Of sunlight, + For sunlight + Is blocked by the city directly overhead + And the Whisperers know of only shadow instead; +Only death out from beneath the city to be gotten. + +The magic that's spoken of those + Of the Whispers, is often made + Out to be more, but because of their stayed +Speech, only whispers remain in quite prose. + So through the long stretches of time, + The Whisperers, through long stretches of rhyme + Can make - + Only make - + What they wish, with words divine, + Benign, or malign, +And in their creations complete trust repose. + +So begins a story, often told but never yet writ + Of a divided people still the same + And the rise and fall of a god played like a game. +While not true itself, it is truth lit: + As men continue to create and live under gods, + What would happen if the gods, at odds, + Warred and fell, + Raising hell + In the process? What would happen + In a society misshapen +If a wrathful god fell and no one cared a whit?
+ +> Ah yes, your Keats phase. + +It was a mixture of Keats and Larry Niven, I think. + +> That is intensely Madison. + +Thanks. + +I had recently read *The Ringworld Throne*, so I was thinking about vertically stratified cities, and had also been on a Keats kick ever since reading *The Hyperion Cantos*, so I decided I would write a sci-fi epic poem to support my conlang. + +It's a mess. + +> Could be worse. + +Could be better. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/05.md b/writing/ally/writing/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3e6e998c --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,80 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-29 +weight: 5 +--- + +> If you went from a mockery of creativity to a mockery of play, when did you settle down and just write a damn story? + +I think it wasn't too long after, actually. I wrote [*All of Time at Once*](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/all-of-time-at-once/) in April of 2004, and that was the first time I started to think, *ah-hah, okay, there's a rhythm to this, a pace, a set of mechanics as well as an art.* + +And from then on, I basically dropped writing in favor of music for months. Sure, there were a few others scattered around there. [*Tu pater et mater*](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/tu-pater-et-mater/) in May of 2003, and [*Light*](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/light/) in June of 2004, but other than that, I kind of just dropped it. + +> Why? + +I graduated. I left language arts classes behind. I went to school for an engineering major. + +> One you were supremely unhappy in. + +Right. And then when I started writing again, it was music. + +I wrote a few essays I was reasonably proud of, but it took another four years before I decided to actually sit down and give writing a go in a more structured setting, and then only because of NaNoWriMo. + +> Ah yes, your "boy meets girl with a twist" story. + +Yeah, [*The Consequences of Dissonance*](https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/consequences-of-dissonance/). + +> You originally named it **Coming to Terms with Being a Terrible Person**. + +I did, yeah. I was fresh off my relationship with Kayla and well into a relationship with Kanja, and had a head full of hatred for who I used to be. + +> And who you were becoming. + +Well, it wasn't *Coming to Terms with Having Been a Terrible Person*, was it? + +> Fair enough. + +It wasn't a bad story, really, nor even that poorly written. I've even thought of revisiting it sometime. It was sort of a coming out story, but a coming-out-for-the-second-time sort of thing. Gay boy starts dating a girl and has to go through the social process of coming out as bi. + +> As Madison? + +I suppose. I went through my own series of comings-out, so maybe I have more insight into that now. + +> And you're less of a terrible person. + +Doubt. + +> There are perfectly cromulent reasons for you to think of yourself as a terrible person in the past, and even as a terrible person in 2008. Or even one now, really. You're just less of one. + +Always improving, I guess. + +> How did it feel to come up with a schedule, a goal, and a plan, and then to stick to it? + +I never finished the story. + +> But you won NaNoWriMo that year. You went over by eight thousand lines. + +I guess. + +> And you're dodging the question. + +That's why, though. It felt good while it lasted. It felt good during that hypomanic rush to actually complete something, to come up with an outline and actually work through it. + +Then I finished NaNo with several hours to spare and tried to keep going, but there was something missing. I felt rudderless. I kept trying to poke at it, but I think I was working as well as I was because of the deadlines. I was still trying to balance the work with the fun that go into a creative endeavor. + +> Did you stop having fun, or did you stop doing the work? + +I think it's more complex than that. There was fun to be had in the race to the finish line. I think that's why NaNo is so popular. And doubtless it was work, of course. + +But with the fun of having already won gone, I was faced with the fact that I had less outline than I had originally thought. Pantsing, as the community so eloquently puts it, may work well for some folks, but I was mostly left feeling uninspired and unmotivated once December hit. The same thing happened with *Getting Lost* and *Inner Demons*. I started strong enough with the basic idea as I tried to write by the seat of my pants, but without a direction or even any goal, I lost steam and wound up disheartened. + +> Do you not do well without goals, then? You don't seem to have one for this project. + +It's not necessarily that. More that, the shorter the project, the less planning that's required. I do much better with articles and short stories than I do with novels. At least so far, given the amount of planning that goes into each. + +This project is working as well as it is because of my heavy reliance on these side-quests. I can break a story down into manageable chunks so that, by the time I might start losing direction, they're about overwith anyway. + +Besides, I have you to help. + +> Me? Little old me? + +Yeah. It's much easier to have a conversation than it is to plan out a story. You keep taking me in directions I don't mean to go. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/06.md b/writing/ally/writing/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b4055bda --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-29 +weight: 6 +--- + +> So if the goal of this project is to write about the ways in which creativity interacts with various facets of your life, what are your goals when it comes to creativity itself? + +Huh. + +I'll have to think on that one. + +> I'd say I'll be patient, but you know I won't be. + +Yeah. + +I think the goals for my creativity are to find a happy medium of entertaining and applicable for others to consume as well as enjoyable for me to create. + +> Vague. + +I guess. I could list specifics, but I don't think that's quite what you're asking after. + +> No, vague is good. It's good to have something you'll always fall short on, because that'll always give you reason to strive for improvement. + +That "if you hate who you were in the past, it's a good sign that you've improved as a person" sort of thing? + +> In a way. If you hate your old work, it's a good sign you've improved as a writer, musician, developer, whatever. + +That makes sense. + +Though I do have concrete goals. I'd like to write a book. I'd like to finish some outstanding music I've still got hanging around. I'd like to maybe work toward getting a job in something other than tech. + +> So what you're saying is that you'd like to be happy? + +I suppose so. + +> Good luck, kid. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/07.md b/writing/ally/writing/07.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ac0b353f --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/07.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-30 +weight: 7 +--- + +
Autoplaying music
+ +> If this is about creativity, then tell me about composing. + +Shall I do so in song? + +> Please. + +No thanks, but I'll tell you all the same. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/_index.md b/writing/ally/writing/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f2544d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +--- +type: serial +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/moving.html b/writing/ally/writing/moving.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..105221ce --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/moving.html @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ +--- +type: single +--- + +
I'm sorry, but JavaScript is required for this :/
+ + diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/music/01.md b/writing/ally/writing/music/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0a2620bb --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/music/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-30 +weight: 1 +--- + + + + +I did not fall into music of my own accord, my dad bought me a saxophone. + +> As his dad bought him before you. + +He wanted us to be alike in so many ways. + +> But you already knew that. + +He got me a saxophone and he and my mom pooled resourses to get me lessons. + +> And showed you to all his friends. + +I played at his Christmas parties. I played at his neighbor's Christmas parties. + +> Once, he was going to show you off to his friends at a barbeque, and you got so anxious and upset that you bent the octave key out of shape. You could only produce squeaks. You said it was an accident. + +I did it to get out of playing for the party, and instead it got me in trouble for being careless. + +> You were anything but. You were very careful. You acted with intent. + +I kept playing. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes it wasn't. + +> Once, you told your mom you weren't sure why she or your dad bothered with you learning to play the saxophone when all life was meaningless, anyway. + +How old was I, then? Ten? Eleven? + +> Dad made you apologize to her. I don't think either knew what to do with a nihilistic preteen. + +But it worked, in a roundabout way. I wound up in music. I wound up playing the saxophone and even sometimes enjoying it. I moved from that to the oboe. + +And not just playing. I listened to tapes until they wore out. I made mixtapes of my dad's music after he taught me how to program his six-disc CD changer. After that, it was mix CDs, which I'd listen to on the bright yellow Sport Discman I carried everywhere. I fell asleep with headphones on more than once. + +Music held --- continues to hold --- this sense of mystery about it. It worked on some level below spoken language, understandable without being text, affecting emotions without the cadence of words. + +> So why'd you quit? + +I can't just say "computers" and beg off, here, can I? + +> Nope. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/music/02.md b/writing/ally/writing/music/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..68a7a1de --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/music/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-30 +weight: 2 +--- + + + +Okay, you're right. It's not quite true that I left because of computers. I stopped playing the oboe after I ran away and moved schools. Band was already well underway, after all, and I couldn't join in partway through. They let me play the cymbal in one concert, but I basically gave up after that. We returned the rental oboe. I wouldn't touch an instrument in all seriousness until well into university. + +And really, during all that time, there was no sense of regret, no sense of loss. + +> Your dad bought you a pair of drumsticks after that concert, but while you played with them for a few weeks, you soon lost interest. You had moved on. + +I had moved on. + +I was trying to square being gay with being the type of person my parents would like. I was trying to figure out how to make friends after transfering into a school. I was trying so hard to settle down and just become someone, to just be born already. + +> You told your mom and Jay that, when you complained about karate in the future, they should remind you that you do enjoy it sometimes, that it just comes and goes. You just wanted to cling to something and have it stick. + +Computers were all well and good. They certainly offered me a route to explore so much that I might otherwise have not. They got me Danny. They got me into furry. They got me into programming. + +> You're still a furry. You still program. Hell, you still think about Danny. Does that not count as sticking? + +Oh, it definitely does, don't get me wrong. Some of the things I launched myself into did stick, even if some of them did not. I was too busy getting ready to be born to focus on what, I suppose. + +And then, two weeks into my freshman year at high school, a few girls stopped me in the hall during my only free period and asked me to join choir with them. + +> And you said yes. + +Lord help me, I have no idea why, but I did. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/music/03.md b/writing/ally/writing/music/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fea0baad --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/music/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-30 +weight: 3 +--- + + + +When you're a choir kid, you're a choir kid. + +> The first rule of the tautology club is the first rule of the tautology club. + +You have to understand. There's a level of identity, a level of expression that goes along with being a choir kid. It's writ on your face. It's in the way you walk. It's an aura that emanates from you. It hovers about your head in a halo. It colors your perception, and others' perception of you. + +You don't do choir. You *are* choir. + +> Just as you **are** furry? + +There's plenty of comparison that can be made there, yes. + +> Like how, fresh out of middle school, fresh out of your mom's messy divorce with Jay, fresh after your mom's diagnosis, so soon after running away, you found yourself once again largely alone. It was more complex now, too. You weren't simply physically alone. You were a newborn and you were alone in the world. You were alone on some ineffable level. You craved a family. You craved a community. You needed to not be alone. You needed those things to grow up, whether you knew it or not --- and you didn't --- so you latched onto whatever you brushed up against, arms hard around it, and you refused to let go. You refused to let it let **you** go. + +I...well. Huh. + +> Carry on. + +Give me a second. + +> Take your time. + +I suppose I was going to go on to say that when you're a choir kid and a boy, something happens inside people's heads. They go a little bit crazy. + +There are other identities within school, after all. There's band, of course. Band is pretty egalitarian (in some ways; obviously individual instruments have their own gender roles). There's some of the sports, too, where a girl joining the team would be quite out of place, if it's even allowed. Nerds fall along similar lines --- or fell, I suspect this is changing --- in that a girl nerd is considered something more unique. + +High-schoolers, however, seem to be intensely aware of gender roles, even if they don't realize. This includes the power dynamic instilled in them in the west. A girl "striving" to be "something greater" by taking part in a supposedly masculine activity-- + +> Nice qualification quotes. + +--is a curiosity, perhaps gently encouraged, perhaps the source of patronizing. + +A boy "falling back" to "something less" by taking part in a supposedly feminine activity is a cause for alarm, a cause for concern, a cause for laughing and jeering and taunting. + +> That you transitioned later in life being, of course, irrelevant. + +It sort of is, it sort of isn't. + +It is, because I don't think I know any other choir friends who transitioned. And not just those like me who transitioned and then dropped out of choir because boy is *that* fraught. + +It isn't, because in a lot of people's eyes, that's confirmation that joining choir was an early sign of my weakening masculinity. It's self-reinforcing that way. + +> As are a lot of social roles. Furries are nerdy because they're expected to be, and so they attract nerds. Nerds are awkward because of course they are, and so awkward kids are more likely to become nerds. + +When you're a choir kid and a boy and *gay*, after all, well...pff, of course. A boy in choir *would* be gay. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/music/04.md b/writing/ally/writing/music/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b3136ecf --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/music/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-30 +weight: 4 +--- + + + + +I tried to let go of choir when I went to university. I was all set to begin anew. I was going to live up to my parents' dreams of becoming an engineer. + +That, and I heard the choir perform during All-State my senior year of high school, and they weren't that good. the All-State choirs were better. My school's choirs were better. I didn't want to tarnish my feelings on choir by having my last few years in it be less than what I was used to. + +> Yeah. How'd that work out? + +I lasted a semester. + +Part of it was, of course, that I started the same year they hired Dr. Kim, who turned the choral department around. Suddenly I had something I wanted to reach for. + +Part of it was that, on graduating, one of my chosen families disappeared. I still had furry, of course, and I still had Ash and Shannon, but I was missing a core part of myself, and I wasn't strong enough to not have that in my life. + +> You weren't strong enough to do a lot of things, then. + +No, I wasn't. I wasn't strong enough to tamp down my mania or pull myself up by my bootstraps through depression. I wasn't strong enough to buckle down on my math and chemistry studies. I wasn't strong enough to treat my friends and lovers as well as they deserved. Not on my own, at least. + +So I joined choir. + +> You did more than that. You took ownership of your life. + +I changed my major to music. I started taking singing lessons. I gained strength from my community, and I got better. I got strong enough to at least learn, bit by bit, how to deal with each of those things. I'm still working on some of them, but that's where I started learning. + +I got strong enough to make it into voice lessons with Dr. Morrow-King. + +I got strong enough to get into Chamber Choir. + +I got strong enough to go on two choir tours in South Korea. + +I got strong enough to leave the music education program and move to music composition. + +I got strong enough to talk to the department chair about why I wasn't getting lessons through the school. + +I got strong enough to stand up to Dr. Wohl when he was called on it and not selected to be the new professor. + +> Not strong enough to suffer defeat. + +No. + +Not the one I experienced. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/music/05.md b/writing/ally/writing/music/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a0e15020 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/music/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,88 @@ +--- +date: 2019-08-30 +weight: 5 +--- + + + +My senior recital did not go well. + +> Understatement. + +It was a failure from very early on. I was commissioned to write a work for two friends in the music department. French horn and contrabass are an unlikely combination, so I figured it'd be a good challenge. It turned into a nightmare with astonishing speed. + +They dictated what I wrote to a large extent, and when Dr. David heard about it, he explained that that's not quite how it was supposed to work. I flailed and finished the piece as best as I could. + +I couldn't find performers to commit to any of my pieces. When I did, they didn't practice. The two who commissioned that work from me only practiced once: half an hour before the concert itself. + +The performance itself was a disaster. + +> You grabbed the recording and left to dinner with your mom and dad, Bob, Maurine, JD, his dad, and Diane. Diane said, as politely as she could, that many of your pieces sounded "so dark", and it was all you could do not to cry and say that it wasn't supposed to be that way. + +I gave up after that. I stopped going to class regularly. I stopped doing homework. I started programming more. I worked as many hours as I was allowed. I applied for tech jobs. + +> You kept singing. + +I did, but my heart wasn't in it. + +I left music. + +I stopped composing. + +It took a year, but I stopped performing. + +I couldn't do it. + +All of the work I had put into it, all of the time and effort and blood and sweat and tears, and as soon as I had something I was proud of, I was shown just how little the world thought of me. My community didn't change, and yet it felt hateful to me. I had no guarantees at all that it would get any better, so I got out while I was at least only a little behind. + +> In writing, you were later told, the worst that could happen if you submitted a story was that the editors would say no. This was worse than the editor saying no. This was the editor sneering at you, looking you directly in the eye, and slowly tearing your story to shreds, long strips of paper dropping from their hands as you watched. + +And I had to smile as I did so. I had to smile and shake hands and gesture for the performers to bow. I had to keep talking to the audience, explaining the significance and features of each piece throughout the recital even as it continued to get worse and worse. + +> You stopped writing music. + +Why wouldn't I? Life told me what it thought of me doing so. Why would I willingly continue to fail? + +> You were not strong enough. + +I was not strong enough. + +> You started programming. + +Website after website. + +> You started writing. + +I splashed around in great heaps of words. + +> You promised yourself you were okay with the outcome. + +Seven years was enough. + +> And now it's seven years since you got into tech. + +Yes. + +> And you started writing music again. + +Yes. + +> A few pieces. Miniatures. Stuff you can finish without getting tired of it first. + +Yes. + +> Something to try and capture the agony and the ecstasy. + +Yes. + +> You still write for choir. + +Yes. + +> Stuff that will never get performed. + +Yes. + +> You promise yourself you are okay with this. + +Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/music/_index.md b/writing/ally/writing/music/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..63e8ddc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/music/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /writing/7 +--- diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/software/01.md b/writing/ally/writing/software/01.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..86483c36 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/software/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,56 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-01 +weight: 1 +--- + +This chapter of ally takes place in the git commit messages, but here are their contents for completion's sake. + +> I'm ashamed to know you. + +It's a stretch even for me, but hey, here we go. + +----- + +> Are you having fun with this? + +Did you really expect me to not approach the idea of writing about software in any other way? Did you expect me to not be something of a nerd about this? + +> I suppose not. Tell me about software, then. + +What's to say? Mom decided that, since I was showing an interest in +computers, it might be a good thing to let me use her copy of +VisualBasic 4. From there, I just kept on going. + +> Well, hold on, you're skipping over a whole bunch of stuff. + +I suppose so. + +> You're skipping over your dad joking that, since you spent so much +time on the computer, that he was always worried that the FBI would +come knocking on the door one day. + +Well, he was the one who got me the computers in the first place. He +bought me a copy of RedHat 6.2 on a CD at Circuit City. + +> Oh, my aching bones. + +I know. Every single bit of that sentence was ancient. + +Still, it's largely his fault. We strung coax throughout the house in a +simple network. He bought a file server, a copy of Windows NT, and we +worked on setting up IIS together so that we could have both a file +share as well as a way of getting those files from work for him, and my +mom's house for me. + +> Very kind of him. Forward thinking. + +He wanted me to be an engineer. What better way to get me into the +mindset? Besides, *stuff* was his game. Our relationship was not yet +mature enoug that we could be buddies, so instead, he did what he +thought parents were supposed to do and punished, instructed, and +showered with gifts. It's just that some of those were computers. + +As many gifts bounced off of me as those that stuck and proved useful. + +Either way, start a kid on VisualBasic and give her access to AngelFire, +and you're bound to wound up with at least *some* kind of nerd. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/software/02.md b/writing/ally/writing/software/02.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5d38817e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/software/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-01 +weight: 2 +--- + +Matthew was pretty keen on Perl at the start. Something about all the delicious punctuation, all the built-in obfuscation was appealing. Something about how you could write an incantastion that was difficult to read unless you had the proper knowledge tickled him. + +> He wasn't very good at it. + +Well, no. He was pretty terrible at it. He uploaded some samples to Perl Monks and mostly got yelled at. From then on, he developed alone, with little to no communication about what he was doing with anyone who might be able to help. + +> A solipsistic software engineer? Color me surprised. + +Right. + +Perl filled high school. Dumb scripts to walk a directory (despite a module already existing in CPAN). A guestbook. A forum. A terrible website. + +> Was it that bad? + +[RF!P](https://web.archive.org/web/20050202100148/http://ranna.babylonia.flatirons.org/)? Oh yes. + +> At least you can see the dull adherence to monochromatic web design started early on. + +Listen. Color is hard. + +Either way. There was a brief PHP phase toward the end of high school, and then it was off to university and John Wright teaching him about Python and Django, and he was lost. + +It made it so easy to start projects. + +> Too easy. + +Yes. They littered his computer, his [git repositories](https://github.com/makyo-old/). Started and abandoned, sometimes even before any code was written. There exist more than one project which is simply a skeleton of a Django application with a name. No code. No documents. No info. + +> No motivation. + +Or maybe only the false motivation that comes along with hypomania. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/software/03.md b/writing/ally/writing/software/03.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a0da0e61 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/software/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-01 +weight: 3 +--- + +At some point in late 2005, I got my first job in computers-- + +> Well, hold on. What about that summer job at Rational? + +That was before birth, remember. That happened to someone else. That happened somewhere else. + +> You have nothing to say about your mom getting you a job testing software with one of her friends? You have nothing to say about learning the boredom of menial tasks? You have nothing to say about the time you found a rendering bug in Java, some part of the windowing system, but you couldn't file it because the bug was that characters from the PuTTY screen showing your MUCK connection showed through, scattershot? You have nothing to say about bagel mornings, about the breakfast burritos you still think about, about stopping at the hot dog cart on the way home and getting to know Mikey, who sold them, about the countless jokes you shared about how awful ketchup was on a hot dog? + +Clearly you do. + +> You thought it was great at first. No restaurant work for your first job, but something in computers. Something you could be proud of. That pride your dad taught you. Then you learned about what goes into a QA tester's job. Then you learned about how boring computers could actually be. Then you learned how to resent them for how much of a mistake they were in the first place. + +Bit harsh, but true enough. + +> "Computers were a mistake", right? That's how you put it? + +Yes. + +> So you got your first job in computers shortly after you were born --- don't try to tell me it wasn't. It was the summer after your Freshman year. Your metaphor won't always hold up. + +...Ah. Right. + +> And then you never got a summer job again until university. You kept looking, but there was little for you to do that would hold your interest if computers were so spoiled for you. You applied at coffee shops. You applied at Blockbuster. You applied at the YMCA. + +And every summer, I disappointed my mom further. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/software/04.md b/writing/ally/writing/software/04.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..250f1ee6 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/software/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-01 +weight: 4 +--- + +Well, then I suppose my second job in computers was in late 2005, when I got that job at the library. That was far more comfortable. + +> Or you were far more mature, perhaps. + +Maybe. Either way, it was something that I was able to actually focus on, do a good job on. There was downtime, and sometimes it got crazy. Sometimes we'd come into the library long before it opened and blast music while we installed or reimaged whole swaths of computers. + +Sometimes we'd dick around. Nerf footballs, library cart racing. One time Josiah locked the surplus filing cabinet we had but did not have the key for and we had to drill out the lock. When we got it unlocked, the first thing he did was to lock it again. We hollered and chased him from the room as we struggled desperately to unlock the cabinet once again. + +> It was fun. + +For the most part, yes. I did some development for them, too. It was my first software job as well as my first job in computers. I did the Atmospheric Sciences Reading Room site. I did some campus mapping. I was enjoying it. + +Enjoying it enough that, when my future in music burned down around my ears, I was ready enough to jump on any job offer in tech that I could manage to pull off. + +> Whether or not it was something you might actually enjoy. + +Yes. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/software/05.md b/writing/ally/writing/software/05.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f95c2341 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/software/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-01 +weight: 5 +--- + +At least I enjoyed it at first. + +> You did, yes. You worked ten, twelve hours a day. + +I was doing something. I was actually producing something, and it was being recognized by people. Music was fine, sure, but no one really paid it much attention. + +> Is anybody paying attention to your writing? + +You are. + +> If you say so. + +A few others, maybe. + +> If you say so. + +Don't be cruel. + +> If you say so. diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/software/06.md b/writing/ally/writing/software/06.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1841645e --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/software/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-01 +weight: 6 +--- + +I enjoyed it until I didn't. It turned into a grind, it turned depressing. I started getting angry. I tried to commit suicide --- we'll get to that later, just to preempt you distracting me. + +> You know me too well. + +Do I? + +> Don't lose focus. You left UHG for Canonical, and started all over again. + +I lasted longer this time, in terms of burnout. I was productive for a lot longer. I liked the job a lot better. Even after I left, I think I liked it better at its worst than I liked IA at its worst. + +> And at least you did rather like some of the coworkers. + +But we can talk about that later. Distraction, remember? + +> Sure, sure. + +But it's been seven years, and it appears that's all I'm good for. I was good for music for seven years. It's been seven years, and I'm not sure I'm good for programming. Will writing fade from me, too? Seven years down the line? + +When will you fade? + +> When will you fade? diff --git a/writing/ally/writing/software/_index.md b/writing/ally/writing/software/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..02783240 --- /dev/null +++ b/writing/ally/writing/software/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: serial +back: /18 +background: "#eaf5ff" +color: "#05264c" +quote: "#16375d" +---