update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/mitzvot/033.md

@@ -12,31 +12,33 @@ It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, b
 
 It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into.
 
-Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way. Three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that, but a large part of this, ey'd come to realize, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. 
+Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way: three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. Alarge part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. 
 
 The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately.
 
-She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the common areas before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them.
+She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the den before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them.
 
 "This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid," she'd said between sniffles. "I am sorry."
 
 May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights.
 
-It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork.
+It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed --- or perhaps reminded --- her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork.
 
-Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded the bed by a foot to at least make it roomier when she did join them. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
+Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded the bed by a half meter to at least make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
 
-Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see just how much May's opinion of her had softened.
+Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that.
 
-On the other, so had eirs. The nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had often included the skunks sleeping in, ey eventually gave up on that.
+On the other, the nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that.
 
-They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here, and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session.
+They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session.
 
-Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em more stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired about their interactions.
+Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions.
 
 Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, *per se;* both were left in tears after a few meetings, and ey suspected that, as much as it had been lessened, that resentment May had felt had never gone away completely, and likely never would.
 
-Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on her way to happiness.
+Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness.
+
+Ey needed boredom and ey needed out.
 
 It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts; ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces.
 
@@ -44,9 +46,9 @@ The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that e
 
 Beyond that, though, it was just the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre.
 
-That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even enjoy and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun.
+That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun.
 
-This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, opting instead for a low and flat building, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in on notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass.
+This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in on notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass.
 
 Ey liked it immensely.
 
@@ -54,7 +56,7 @@ The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built
 
 Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring.
 
-Eventually, having loaded up on a few random finds --- trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May --- ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed eir finds out before em on the table.
+Eventually, having loaded up on a few random finds --- trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May --- ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed the books out before em on the table.
 
 The sci-fi proved to be a little *too* trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head.
 
@@ -158,7 +160,7 @@ Both skunks perked up at that. "Is that something she can do?" True Name asked.
 
 True Name nodded. "I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake."
 
-Ey nodded. "Same. Gonna let me in, May?"
+Ey nodded. "Same. You going to let me in, May?"
 
 "Absolutely not," she said. "You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home."
 
@@ -182,7 +184,7 @@ Ey nodded. "What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's
 
 She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. "You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point."
 
-A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. "So many names," she said, voice distant. "I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few months ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well."
+A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. "So many names," she said, voice distant. "I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few weeks ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well."
 
 "You will see them one day, my dear," May said. "I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will."
 
@@ -204,7 +206,7 @@ Ey shrugged. "I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're tryi
 
 "I am," True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. "I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling."
 
-"I would call this mean if you were not both so right," May said, waving a paw dismissively. "Give me a moment, then."
+"I would call this mean if you were not both right," May said, waving a paw dismissively. "Give me a moment, then."
 
 When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged.
 
@@ -236,11 +238,9 @@ She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur i
 
 Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed.
 
-It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today when they'd apparently started feeling well enough to get out. 
+It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today. 
 
-There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and May.
-
-And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches.
+There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and the 'other side of the clade'. And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches.
 
 But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant.
 
@@ -272,7 +272,7 @@ She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts
 
 Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks.
 
-"Yes, see? Look at you." She laughed. "It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is...of me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of your boundaries."
+"Yes, see? Look at you." She laughed. "It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is...of me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of *your* boundaries."
 
 "You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously. "Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it."
 
@@ -280,9 +280,9 @@ Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth t
 
 Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle. "Uh...well, sure."
 
-For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux, so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.
+For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux --- now curious, now eager, now anxious --- so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.
 
-Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.
+Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed as she over-corrected, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.
 
 "Jesus...you would think...I would know how this works," she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized.
 
@@ -306,11 +306,11 @@ The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from
 
 She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad."
 
-They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey'd read up on plurality when she'd first mentioned it, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to incorporating plurality into one's life would prove useful here, but the addition of the concurrent nature of their existences apart added a layer of complication.<!--this feels like an apology - better, but still...-->
+They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey'd read up on plurality when she'd first mentioned it, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to incorporating plurality into one's life would prove useful to her, but the addition of the parallel nature of their existences apart, the lives they'd led concurrently, added a layer of complication.<!--this feels like an apology - better, but still...-->
 
 Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complicated in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.
 
-*If only I could just turn off the overthinking,* ey thought. Aloud, ey said, "What do you think you'll do after all of this?"
+*If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me,* ey thought. Aloud, ey said, "What do you think you'll do after all of this?"
 
 The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. "Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?"
 
@@ -340,7 +340,7 @@ There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of
 
 "And the True Name third?"
 
-She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame and rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade."
+She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade."
 
 Unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, ey hesitated, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else.
 
@@ -360,11 +360,11 @@ They both froze.
 
 "Well, that was--" ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. "Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that."
 
-She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. That of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. "Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment."
+She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. "Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment."
 
 Ey frowned. "It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--"
 
-"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she said, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. "Sorry, Ioan. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it and then only through trial and error."
+"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. "I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it onlythrough trial and error."
 
 Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. "Take the space you need."
 
@@ -384,7 +384,7 @@ True Name stared coolly at her. "And here I was worried that you would blow up a
 
 "It mattered quite a bit to me."
 
-"I do not mean to diminish that, True Name." She smiled and sat beside True Name, patting the skunk's paw.
+"I do not mean to diminish that, True Name." She smiled and sat beside her, patting the skunk's paw.
 
 True Name sighed. "Thank you, I do believe you, it is just...a heap of complex feelings."
 
@@ -414,7 +414,7 @@ Ey shrugged. "I've got my notes all in order. I don't want to do it at all, but
 
 True Name smirked, leaned over and tugged at May's tail. "You have, yes."
 
-May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. "Yes, yes. I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help than Ioan."
+May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. "Yes, yes. I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help as Ioan."
 
 The conversation trailed off from there, Ioan and May cozying up and chatting via sensorium messages once True Name had started to doze, using May's thigh as a pillow. She caught em up on gossip from Debarre --- one of his boyfriends visited and was, apparently, quite the looker --- and ey accused her of leaving em for the weasel, as ey always did when she visited him.
 
@@ -428,7 +428,7 @@ She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. "If you are willing, yes. I am
 
 May shrugged. "That is why I asked, yes."
 
-When May looked to em, ey sighed. "Perhaps tomorrow? Need a night to think on things."
+When May looked to em, ey sighed. "Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things."
 
 True Name's face fell, but she bowed. "Of course, dear."
 
@@ -442,7 +442,7 @@ Ey stretched out on eir back and stared up at the ceiling, letting May settle in
 
 She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the ticklish kiss. "I am, at that. What do you mean by 'over it', though?"
 
-"I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had." Ey grinned, adding, "She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funnier if she hadn't also started panicking."
+"I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had. We have other friends we get cozy with." Ey grinned, adding, "She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funny if she hadn't also started panicking."
 
 "I think she is struggling with touch-hunger, yes."
 
@@ -450,7 +450,7 @@ She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the tickli
 
 "That is just what one does," May asserted. "And, I will note, not what you are doing right now."
 
-Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. "Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but I guess she isn't."
+Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. "Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but she clearly isn't."
 
 "Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious," May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. "She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well."
 
@@ -458,7 +458,7 @@ Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a bounda
 
 The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her.
 
-"My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud," May murmured. "May I respond to it?"
+"My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud," May said gently. "May I respond to it?"
 
 "Wait, what?" Ey jolted, leading May to sit up, so ey joined her. "Oh, damn. Uh...well, when did I start?"