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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-01-24 01:54:43 -08:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object.md
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@ -279,6 +279,14 @@ I was not able to come up with the word for it during the session, but I think I
But there's no real basis for these feelings. All of those things were true when we met. They were all true when we hugged after her senior recital. They remain true today. Nothing has changed in our communications other than them moving primarily online and occasionally over voice or video, and yet out of nowhere I suddenly have this enormous desire for her. Not physical desire, though I would not turn down the intimacy, but a desire for her presence. A longing.
There is a concept that I think touches on this set of feelings, which is that of limerence. As long as I am to work on my emotional literacy, it is best that I start trying to name what I feel. To call what I feel a 'crush' feels inexact. It is not puppy love. It is not new relationship energy. It is not lust. It is an uncontrollable romantic desire.
It is not grounded in our friendship or my attraction to her. It is more of an obsession. A desperate need for her to feel the same way about me. A craving. A pang. A wildness of the heart that is as frightening as it is pleasant.
It is an unmoored, unmooring thing, drawing me ever upwards in lazy, undirected arcs almost against my will, ever closer to the sun.
These are things that I am thinking now that I am in my quiet, liminal bench. I didn't have the words then, on the spot in the middle of therapy, but I will have to bring them up next session.
We talked for a bit longer on the subject, but as the time drew to a close, Jeremy suggested, "I think you should talk to Kay soon. Why don't you see if you can bring up how you feel about her some time before we meet next? It doesn't have to be an attempt to start a relationship or anything. Even just telling her that you've been thinking about her would be a good step forward."
So I suppose that is what is on my plate. She and I talk every day, these days, and so I will have plenty of opportunity to do so. Perhaps I will aim to do so tomorrow, as I'd like to see how I feel when talking to her tonight without bringing this up, knowing that doing so in the future is a hard and fast goal for me.
@ -290,3 +298,11 @@ So I suppose that is what is on my plate. She and I talk every day, these days,
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(Dee at therapy, brings up his unwillingness to talk even though it's been two weeks, saying that he doesn't want to say something to her that she might feel obligated to say yes to without actually wanting that, Jeremy brings up vulnerability)
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(Just trying to be the best he can for her - more on limerence)
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(except that kind of makes it worse - more on limerence)