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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-09-23 22:05:04 -07:00
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writing/post-self/toledot/secession/sys/Michelle/002.md
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@ -2,13 +2,13 @@
Michelle Hadje mastered the urge to vomit.
She knew that could change this. Change all of these things from so many dreams that pressed in against. She knew that she could will them away, or perhaps spring for a fork that would simply...not have them. She had enough reputation, by now, but fork a dozen times over. Some perks came with being on the council, after all.
She knew that could change this. Change all of these things from so many dreams that pressed in against. She knew that she could will them away, or perhaps spring for a fork that would simply...not have them. She had enough reputation, by now, to fork a dozen times over. Some perks came with being on the council, after all.
But she didn't, and she was not quite sure why.
At one point, she had entertained the idea that it was out of a need to keep some part of herself tied to the her of eight years ago, the panicked and wild-eyed woman who had scrimped and saved all that she could to get a one-way ticket into the System. Perhaps she needed to keep some tenuous connection to the Michelle left so changed by getting lost that year on year become madness on madness.
But that wasn't quite it. Perhaps, instead, she felt as though she wasn't worth it. She hadn't been able to save her friends, not in the end, and it was only by dint of luck that she managed to survive the years after that terrible day her mind was wrapped in on itself and all her thoughts and all her dreams were mirrored back upon her. Perhaps she deserved these bouts of lingering disconnection, dissociation, derealization, depersonalizeation.
But that wasn't quite it. Perhaps, instead, she felt as though she wasn't worth it. She hadn't been able to save her friends, not in the end, and it was only by dint of luck that she managed to survive the years after that terrible day her mind was wrapped in on itself, squeezed, stretched, knotted, and all her thoughts and all her dreams were mirrored back upon her. Perhaps she deserved these bouts of lingering disconnection, dissociation, derealization, depersonalizeation.
That wasn't it either, though. She may sometimes feel the weight of responsibility, but thoughts as gloomy as that came only when she was feeling particularly peaky.
@ -36,7 +36,7 @@ Debarre and user11824 were there already, slouching before their coffees in comf
user11824 shrugged. His features were nondescript to the point where Sasha doubted that he even needed to work at being incognito. Eyes simply slid over him without pausing. "Bored. Boring. Bored."
"How are you bored? There's always too much to do." Laughter came from behind her, followed by a friendly touch to the shoulder. Jonas, on the other hand, was perilously handsome and friendly with a casual ease that left all feeling envious.
"How are you bored? There's always too much to do." Laughter came from behind her, followed by a friendly touch to the shoulder. Jonas, on the other hand, was perilously handsome, well past the point of standing out, and friendly with a casual ease that left all feeling envious.
"Yeah. Boring shit."
@ -58,17 +58,17 @@ Jonas frowned. "That'd be pretty expensive."
"Would it be worth the expenditure?" the pile of rags rasped.
Sasha quelled the instinct to shrug again, nodding instead. "I think it would be. At least, temporarily. At least for the next year or so. I will shift my role to a more managerial one, acting as consensus builder for my clade. I would not gain any more say in votes."
Sasha quelled the instinct to shrug again, nodding instead. "I think it would be. Just temporarily. At least for the next year or so. I will shift my role to a more managerial one, acting as consensus builder for my clade. I would not gain any more say in votes."
"Would you take on additional responsibility, then?"
"Would you take on additional responsibility, too?"
"I can. I am always happy to do my share of the work, and if that share increases ten-fold while I shift to a consensus point, I will be okay with that."
Debarre gave a lopsided smile. "If it's simply about more hands on the ground, I see no problem with it. It's your reputation to spend, and..." He hesitated, smile fading to something more serious, and continued. "And if it helps you out, then it's probably for the best. I'm sorry Sasha, but you look like hell."
Debarre gave a lopsided smile. "If it's simply about more hands on the ground, I see no problem with it. It's your reputation to spend, and..." He hesitated, smile fading to a more serious expression, and continued. "And if it helps you out, then it's probably for the best. I'm sorry Sasha, but you look like hell."
She forced herself to keep tears out of her voice. "I feel like hell, if I am honest. I will ensure none of the forks have...all this."
Nods around the table. The woman spoke up. "I'm comfortable answering your quest with a 'yes'."
Nods around the table. The woman from the well-dressed trio spoke up. "I'm comfortable answering your question with a 'yes'."
They went around the table, and none of the others said contradicted the first vote. Sasha slouched in relief, letting her control slacken and her form blur for a few moments.
@ -94,7 +94,7 @@ The pile of rags shifted, rasping its words. "Are we comfortable with this as a
"Can we come up with a mechanism for tracking hands on the ground, as you so eloquently put it?"
Sasha nodded eagerly to the sharp dressed man. "Please. It is not my intention to take over work just so I can do more things my way."
Sasha nodded eagerly to the sharp dressed man. "Please. It is not my intention to take more work just so I can do more things my way."
"And we'll have to be careful not to overextend our reach. There being only the eight of us kind of limits our capabilities by necessity."
@ -134,7 +134,7 @@ Jonas held his hands up to forestall further conversation. "This is between you
Debarre nodded sullenly. Sasha looked down at her paws.
"While we're on complicated subjects, I have an admission to make." Jonas looked sheepish. "I have a small clade of my own on the side. All for personal stuff, of course."
"While we're on complicated subjects, I have an admission to make." Jonas looked sheepish. "I have a small clade of my own on the side. All for personal stuff, of course, nothing tied to the Council."
Debarre tilted his head, then laughed. It was an earnest laugh, full-throated, and Sasha realized that Jonas had said precisely the right thing to cut through the tension.
@ -144,7 +144,7 @@ Debarre tilted his head, then laughed. It was an earnest laugh, full-throated, a
"Fucking nerd."
Jonas batted his eyelids at Debarre. "Thank you. I try."
Jonas batted his eyes at Debarre. "Thank you. I try."
After a bit more chatter, Debarre made his goodbyes and left the sim.
@ -160,11 +160,11 @@ And on down the list of first lines. Eventually, a crowd of eleven stood near th
"So, what next?"
"What is next is that I get assignments from the council and then take a fucking vacation. I plan on sleeping for at least three days straight."
"What is next is that I get assignments from the Council and then take a fucking vacation. I plan on sleeping for at least three days straight."
Jonas laughed. "I wholeheartedly endorse this course of action. One of you want to take on an assignment today?"
After a short conversation, one of the Michelles stepped forward. "Sure. What kind of assignment?"
After a short conversation, one of the Sashas stepped forward. "Sure. What kind of assignment?"
"Which one are you again?"
@ -180,7 +180,7 @@ She laughed. "Oh, sure. Let us go with 'True Name'."
"Yeah, there's some real grade-A stupidity going on out there." Jonas paused to wave to the rest of the Ode Clade, which left the sim en masse. "Lots of this and that about how software can't be an individual blah blah blah. One particularly vile shithead suggested that if we wanted to be treated as individuals, we would need to contribute to society as equals with those still in the embodied world. He suggested we could split the system and dump individuals into flight computers and software rigs and other expert systems to run those so that they wouldn't have to."
True Name frowned. "What a dick. Is that kind of opinion common out there? I am still coming off the mount of work that was the reputation market."
True Name frowned. "What a dick. Is that kind of opinion common out there? I am still coming off the mountain of work that was the reputation market."
"Not so common now, but those voices are getting louder by the week."
@ -192,7 +192,7 @@ True Name frowned. "What a dick. Is that kind of opinion common out there? I am
"We do not, no. What we do have is the ability to communicate."
"Propaganda, you mean.
"Propaganda, you mean."
Jonas smiled, nodded. "Propaganda."