update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/toledot/secession/phys/Yared/010.md

@@ -1,8 +1,8 @@
 # Yared Zerezghi --- 2125
 
-If the New Year were to be a thing for Yared to celebrate, that was lost on him. He had long since lost track of how old he was, and the passage of time had begun to smear into a haze of referenda, of voting and posting and debating. He knew the years by the seasons and the fact that all of his posts on the DDR had a date attached to them, but beyond that, the significance of December 31 held little sway over him.
+If the new year were to be a thing for Yared to celebrate, that was lost on him. He had long since lost track of how old he was, and the passage of time had begun to smear into a haze of referenda, of voting and posting and debating. He knew the years by the seasons and the fact that all of his posts on the DDR had a date attached to them, but beyond that, the significance of December thirty-first and January first held little sway over him.
 
-If the passage of referendum 10b30188 was to be something to celebrate, that was also lost on him. The process of promoting and supporting the bill had long since taken over his life, and he had little enough energy left to acknowledge that it had passed by a supermajority of votes.
+If the passage of referendum 10b30188 was to be something to celebrate, that was also lost on him. The process of promoting and supporting the bill had long since taken over his life, and he had little enough energy left to acknowledge that it had even passed by a supermajority of votes.
 
 He should be celebrating both of these, he knew. 
 
@@ -20,7 +20,7 @@ That had stung so much that he'd not looked at the DDR forums or touched the deb
 
 He jumped from where he'd hunched down at the base of a tree, poking around the roots with a stick. His implants buzzed again and he pulled out his phone to check on who it was, groaning at the sight of Demma's name.
 
-"Mr Zerezghi," the voice on the other end said, sounding cheerful. "Happy New Year. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to join us for the tail end of our celebrations?"
+"Mr. Zerezghi," the voice on the other end said, sounding cheerful. "Happy New Year. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to join us for the tail end of our celebrations?"
 
 "Join..?"
 
@@ -40,7 +40,7 @@ The driver nodded appreciatively, saying, "It looks good on you. Your shirt unde
 
 Yared nodded, smiled as best he could, and bowed to the driver. It was the first time he'd seen the man's eyes, and he was pleased to note that they looked as though they were always a second away from crinkling in a smile.
 
-In the back of the car, Demma greeted him with a warm smile, and a rather severe looking woman leaned forward to shake his hand.
+In the back of the car, Demma greeted him with a warm smile of his own, while a rather severe looking woman leaned forward to shake his hand.
 
 "Yared, I'd like to introduce you to Councilor Aida Tamrat," Demma said, gesturing. "Aida, this is Yered Zerezghi, the author of the secession amendment."
 
@@ -50,9 +50,9 @@ Overwhelmed, he simply bowed as best he could from his cushy seat in the back of
 
 From there, he said little, having little enough chance to say so. Demma and Tamrat continued their conversation from before, which seemed, on the surface, to be about the party they'd just come from --- who was with whom, who wore what, what drinks had been most common --- yet seemed to carry serious undertones of deep study, as though all of this information taken as a whole showed some gestalt of the political momenta this way and that. The driver, of course, remained silent, so all Yared could do was sit, smile, and nod when addressed.
 
-The short ride down familiar streets took them back to Government House, but this time, rather than simply sitting outside of the building, the car was waved through a gate and slid smoothly down a ramp to a parking garage underneath. From there, they were subjected to a security scan --- pat down and implant scan --- and whisked up a flight of stairs, through long halls, and eventually deposited in a chamber crowded with more nicely dressed persons drinking champagne from thin flutes.
+The short ride down familiar streets took them back to Government House, but this time, rather than simply sitting outside of the building, the car was waved through a gate and directed down a ramp to a parking garage underneath. From there, they were subjected to a security scan --- pat-down and implant scan --- and whisked up a flight of stairs, through long halls, and eventually deposited in a chamber crowded with more nicely dressed persons drinking champagne from thin flutes.
 
-Very nicely dressed, he quickly realized, and he wondered if not dressing him up more had been an attempt to make him wear his status as a lesser-than plainly.
+*Very* nicely dressed, he quickly realized, and he wondered if not dressing him up more had been an attempt to make him wear his status as a lesser-than plainly.
 
 Later that night, nearing two in the morning, he realized that he could remember little of the party. He was handed a champagne flute and passed around the room as though an interesting object. Councilors and dignitaries of various levels shook his hand, smiled to him with unsmiling eyes, and once again congratulated him on a job well done.
 
@@ -66,23 +66,23 @@ In the car, as he was being returned to his house, Demma broke the tired silence
 
 Yared nodded hesitantly. "Of course, councilor."
 
-"First of all, I hope you understand that your continued discretion is of the utmost importance. It is important to our trust and to your own safety and security." There was a meaningful pause before Demma smiled. "From potential bad actors, I mean."
+"First of all, I hope you understand that your continued discretion is of the utmost importance. It is key to our trust and to your own safety and security." There was a meaningful pause before Demma smiled. "From potential bad actors, I mean."
 
-"Yes, of course," he said, starting to rub his palms against his knees before he remembered that he was still wearing the long garment he had been provided.
+"Yes, of course," he said, starting to rub his palms against his knees before he remembered that he was still wearing the long garment he had been loaned.
 
-"Thank you. Secondly, please do not contact me or any of the interested parties you met at tonight's soiree. This, I think, shall be easy, as many of them are quite difficult to reach, and the contact information we provided you to stay in touch is now no longer active."
+"Thank you. Secondly, please do not contact me or any of the interested parties you met at tonight's soiree. This, I think, shall be easy, as many of them are quite difficult to reach, and the contact information we provided you with to stay in touch is now no longer active."
 
 He nodded again, silent.
 
-"Third, keep in mind that, as you are a person of interest to the government now, all of your actions will be monitored simply as a matter of course. Please also note that your interactions on the direct democracy representative forums will be monitored closest of all, and should they deviate from NEAC majority party or coalition stance too far, you may be subject to reprisal."
+"Third, keep in mind that, as you are now a person of interest to the government, all of your actions will be monitored simply as a matter of course. Please also note that your interactions on the direct democracy representative forums will be monitored closest of all, and should they deviate from NEAC majority party or coalition stance, you may be subject to reprisal."
 
-Yared's breathing grew shallow. This was unheard of, as far as he could remember, a government requiring a single individual to toe the party line. But then, perhaps it was unheard of due to the implicit threat of violence that Demma had dropped early on. He nodded slowly.
+Yared's breathing grew shallow. This was unheard of, as far as he could remember, a government requiring a single individual to toe the party line. But then, perhaps it was unheard of due to the implicit threat of violence that Demma had dropped early on, unheard of because it had never reached the light of day. He nodded slowly.
 
 "Excellent. Those are the three requests. In order to formalize this agreement, I'd like you to place your thumb here--" the councilor had pulled out his phone where a rectangle outlined where his thumbprint should wind up. "--and state aloud that you agree."
 
 He hesitated long enough that Demma began to frown, but before any further encouragement was given, he did as he was told, pressing his thumb to the reader and saying, "I agree."
 
-"Thank you, Mr Zerezghi." He sighed and slumped back into his seat. "My apologies for the rather formal interaction, but it was required to get this out of the way."
+"Thank you, Mr Zerezghi." He sighed and slumped back into his seat. "My apologies for the rather formal interaction, but it was necessary to get this out of the way."
 
 Yared did not relax into his seat. He was as keyed up as he'd been before the night had begun, but now for entirely different reasons.
 
@@ -96,7 +96,7 @@ Yared frowned. "Do you think there will be any further legislation around the Sy
 
 "I...don't understand. What do you mean?"
 
-Demma grinned. "There's no need for you to, but I'll do my best to explain. The System is a nuisance and a political thorn in everyone's side. It needed removal --- as any thorn does --- before the infection spread. Anyone who held onto their citizenship while making a one-way journey to a nowhere we aren't even sure is real could still have had influence back in their so-called home countries. Look at Jonas, if you need a prime example. Now they can't. That's that. It's a dumping ground for dreamers, and the less of those we have, the easier our jobs get."
+Demma grinned. "There's no need for you to, but I'll do my best to explain if it will keep you placated. The System is a nuisance and a political thorn in everyone's side. It needed removal --- as any thorn does --- before the infection spread. Anyone who held onto their citizenship while making a one-way journey to a nowhere we aren't even sure is real could still have had influence back in their so-called home countries. Look at Jonas, if you need a prime example. Now they can't. That's that. It's a dumping ground for dreamers, and the less of those we have, the easier our jobs get."
 
 "But I thought," Yared said, voice raw. "I thought you wanted to help them secede."
 
@@ -104,12 +104,12 @@ Demma only shrugged. "I did. Just maybe not for the same reasons as you."
 
 "I'm sorry, councilor. I had been under the impression--"
 
-"You, too, are a dreamer, Yared. One who is easy enough to control, but a dreamer nonetheless." Demma said, smile kind and completely, totally discomfiting for it. "If you wish to continue dreaming, then, well, I suppose I have already made my point about the System, yes?"
+"You, too, are a dreamer, Yared. One who is easy enough to control, but a dreamer nonetheless." Demma said, his smile kind and completely, totally discomfiting for it. "If you wish to continue dreaming, then, well, I suppose I have already made my point about the System, yes?"
 
 The rest of the car ride proceeded in silence. The only other words that were spoken to him were by the driver as he helped Yared out of the loaned thawb.
 
-"Mr Zerezghi, it was a pleasure sharing coffee with you," he said, and then the car was gone, black car disappearing into gold-lit night.
+"Mr Zerezghi, it was a pleasure sharing coffee with you," he said, and then they were gone, black car disappearing into gold-lit night.
 
 Yared walked numbly up to his apartment once more and sat down on his mattress, unable to even permit the thought of delving in into his mind.
 
-*Well,* he thought. *If there's one place for dreamers to go, I guess I'm at least welcome on the System.*
+*Well,* he thought. *If there's one place for dreamers to go, at least I have an open invitation to the System.*