update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/mitzvot/005.md

@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
 # Debarre --- 2350
 
-Debarre and Do I Know God After The End Waking stood, naked and frowning, on the granite hung, cantilevered, above the calm pond that had dug itself into the forest floor beneath the falls. It wasn't a high drop, not enough to turn the stomach, but enough to keep them from simply jumping in.
+Debarre and Do I Know God After The End Waking stood, naked and frowning, on the granite that hung, cantilevered, above the calm pond that had dug itself into the forest floor beneath the falls. It wasn't a high drop, not enough to turn the stomach, but enough to keep them from simply jumping in.
 
 "And you're sure it's deep enough?"
 
@@ -10,13 +10,13 @@ The weasel's frowned deepened. No sounds of screaming below, at least.
 
 "Fuck it," he muttered, and stepped off the edge of the rock, arms folded over his chest, and plunged, feet first, into the water.
 
-The cold was shocking, enough to drive his breath from him. Even though there wasn't any snow this low down on the hillside, it was still cold out. He realized, too late, that another possibility that there wasn't any screaming from his boyfriend below was due to that same frigid water.
+The cold was enough to drive his breath from him. Even though there wasn't any snow this low down on the hillside, it was still cold out and even colder up-slope from whence the snow-melt came. He realized, too late, that another possibility that there wasn't any screaming from his boyfriend below was due to that same frigid water.
 
 All the same, there was nothing beneath his feet for at least another meter as he sank beneath the water.
 
 Thankful for small victories, he swam shakily for the surface, breaching the water with a shallow gasp and teeth already chattering.
 
-End Waking floated closer, treading water. The skunk's grin was wide, but his teeth were clenched shut in a clear attempt to slow the shivering. "Pleasant day out, is it not?"
+End Waking floated closer, treading water. The skunk's smile was wide, but his teeth were clenched shut in a clear attempt to slow the shivering. "Pleasant day out, is it not?"
 
 "F-fuck you," Debarre said, laughing breathlessly. "I'm getting up to the fire ASAP."
 
@@ -30,15 +30,15 @@ Once there, they parked a few feet before the fire and huddled beneath his woole
 
 "Yes, well, I love you to," End Waking said, grinning. "Thank you for joining me, and for your help today."
 
-They'd spent the afternoon building up a rammed earth wall for the skunk's new house, pulling earth from the pile they'd brought up from the pond's shore the previous day, mixed in deer's blood as a binder before stacking it in a frame, and pounding it with logs sanded smooth and cut down to a width that fit comfortably in their paws.
+They'd spent the afternoon building up a rammed earth wall for the skunk's new house, pulling sandy clay from the pile they'd brought up from the pond's shore the previous day, mixed in deer's blood as a binder before stacking it in a frame, and pounding it with logs sanded smooth and cut down to a width that fit comfortably in their paws.
 
 Part of the ramming process had involved carefully setting the chimney pipe for the wood stove between the layers of earth as they built up, something which had seemed an unnecessarily fiddly process, despite the admonitions that, if the pipe crumpled beneath the sand, clay, and blood while they pounded it, the wall wouldn't be sturdy and there might be gaps. As it was, after they built up the rest of the tent, they'd have to seal it with more bloody earth and a layer of pitch.
 
 It had left them both feeling worn out and dirty, and when Debarre said he was going to wash the sticky earth from his paws and fur, End Waking had suggested turning that into the icy plunge.
 
-The skunk then built up the fire higher than usual, told Debarre that they'd need to do so nude as he shed his clothes by the fire, and them pulled him along to the rock overhang.
+The skunk then built up the fire higher than usual, told Debarre that they'd need to do so nude as he shed his clothes by the fire so they'd stay dry, and them pulled him along to the rock overhang.
 
-Once their fronts were mostly dry, they turned out to face the waterfall and ravine, draping the cloak over their fronts with their backs exposed to the fire, sitting in silence and leaning against each other, sharing warmth as well as gaining it.
+Once their fronts were mostly dry, they turned out to face the waterfall and ravine, draping the cloak over their fronts with their backs exposed to the fire, sitting in silence and leaning against each other, sharing warmth.
 
 "Why don't you build your camp here?"
 
@@ -82,27 +82,27 @@ That End Waking was so open to touch over the last few weeks was something he wa
 
 Before long, however, they set the cloak aside to get dressed, and Debarre watched as End Waking prepped a sizeable hare and pushed it onto a cast-iron spit and set it over the fire, a tilted pan beneath it catching the drippings.
 
-They dined on the split hare and squash roasted in the drippings, both pungent with thyme. They stayed up until it was well and truly dark, talking about this or that, though never politics.
+They dined on the hare and squash roasted in the drippings, both pungent with thyme. They stayed up until it was well and truly dark, talking about this or that, though never politics.
 
 Worn out as they were, though, they didn't last much longer, eventually retreating to the makeshift tent that End Waking had set up with the fabric that had been his previous shelter, strung over a rope and draped over his recovered cot. Narrow as it was, they had to huddle close --- the only time the skunk was consistently okay with close physical contact and intimacy --- sharing each others' warmth beneath the cloak and a few blankets besides.
 
 "E.W.?"
 
-"Mm? I like it when you call me that."
+"I like it when you call me that."
 
 "I'm a sucker for nicknames," he said, tucking himself back against the skunk.
 
 "That you are." He tucked his snout over Debarre's shoulder. "What were you going to ask, my dear?"
 
-"I...well, some changes are coming to the System. Sounds like we're getting A/V and a few other things."
+"I...well, some changes are coming to the System. Sounds like we're getting extrasystem A/V and a few other things."
 
 "I will not use it, if so."
 
-"I don't know if I will, either. I'm just worried about changes."
+"I don't know if I will, either. No clue who I'd talk to. I'm just worried about changes."
 
 "How so?"
 
-"I don't know," Debarre mumbled. "I just think there's a lot of subtle things --- more than just the little stuff May Then My Name talks about --- and I'm worried those will go away or change."
+"I don't know," Debarre mumbled. "I just think there's a lot of subtle things --- more like the little stuff May Then My Name talks about --- and I'm worried those will go away or change."
 
 End Waking hummed thoughtfully. "Things have survived Secession and Launch."
 
@@ -126,4 +126,4 @@ They lay, silent, for a while, Debarre thinking and, if the slow slackening of h
 
 "Do you still feel em? Like, at night sometimes. Like a dream or something."
 
-There was a long, long pause before the skunk replied. "Sleep, my love. There is work to do in the morning. Sleep, and dream beautiful dreams."
+There was a long, long silence before the skunk replied. "Sleep, my love. There is work to do in the morning. Sleep, and dream beautiful dreams."