update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/mitzvot/027.md

@@ -120,7 +120,7 @@ True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into
 
 Ioan nodded, saying, "Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?"
 
-She laughed. "No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I can override. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long, just not yet."
+She shook her head. "No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long, just not yet."
 
 <!-- somewhere in here, talk about the fact that EW got in touch with her -->
 
@@ -138,7 +138,7 @@ She winced. "That bad?"
 
 "End Waking mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah."
 
-She nodded. "So I have noticed. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine that, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear."
+She nodded. "So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine that, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear."
 
 May shook her head.
 
@@ -178,7 +178,7 @@ Ey laughed. "Really, *really* complicated."
 
 May nodded.
 
-"And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?"
+"And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?"
 
 Another nod.
 
@@ -186,9 +186,9 @@ Another nod.
 
 "But Ioan and I--"
 
-"I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?" She held up her hands, smiling. "I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad."
+"I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?" She held up her hands, smiling. "I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was and there is no going back."
 
-Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, "My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories."
+Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, "My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories."
 
 True Name nodded.
 
@@ -196,7 +196,7 @@ Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. "This last month h
 
 "And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal."
 
-She was a long time in responding. "I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It...is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also realizing just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple, no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you."
+She was a long time in responding. "I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It...is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you."
 
 The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. "I am not sure what to say to this just yet."