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!_TAG_FILE_SORTED 1
asexuality writing/acethetic.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/acethetic\twriting/acethetic
book writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index\twriting/consequences-of-dissonance/index
book writing/eigengrau.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/eigengrau\twriting/eigengrau
book writing/eigengrau/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/eigengrau/index\twriting/eigengrau/index
@ -118,8 +119,10 @@ fantasy writing/jaroudi/asoub/1.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/1\twriting/
fantasy writing/jaroudi/asoub/2.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/2\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/2
fantasy writing/jaroudi/asoub/3.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/3\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/3
fantasy writing/jaroudi/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/index\twriting/jaroudi/index
fiction writing/acethetic.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/acethetic\twriting/acethetic
fiction writing/belek.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/belek\twriting/belek
fiction writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index\twriting/consequences-of-dissonance/index
fiction writing/inner-demons/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/inner-demons/index\twriting/inner-demons/index
fiction writing/jaroudi/asoub/1.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/1\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/1
fiction writing/jaroudi/asoub/2.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/2\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/2
fiction writing/jaroudi/asoub/3.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/3\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/3
@ -236,6 +239,7 @@ gender writing/rum-and-coke/what-i-expected.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/rum-and-coke/
gender writing/sawtooth/disapperance.md 3;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/disapperance\twriting/sawtooth/disapperance#gender
gender writing/sawtooth/the-fool.md 3;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/the-fool\twriting/sawtooth/the-fool#gender
horror writing/belek.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/belek\twriting/belek
horror writing/inner-demons/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/inner-demons/index\twriting/inner-demons/index
hybrid diary/2020-04-09.md 1;" vimwiki:diary/2020-04-09\tdiary/2020-04-09
in-progress writing/sawtooth/happy-lesbians.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/happy-lesbians\twriting/sawtooth/happy-lesbians
incomplete writing/sawtooth/aposematism.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/aposematism\twriting/sawtooth/aposematism
@ -249,6 +253,7 @@ magic writing/sawtooth/acts-of-intent.md 3;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/acts-of-in
markdown tech/md-ext/editing.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/editing\ttech/md-ext/editing
markdown tech/md-ext/verse.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/verse\ttech/md-ext/verse
markdown tech/md-ext/vimwiki.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/vimwiki\ttech/md-ext/vimwiki
mental-health writing/inner-demons/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/inner-demons/index\twriting/inner-demons/index
mental-health writing/rum-and-coke/how-many.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/rum-and-coke/how-many\twriting/rum-and-coke/how-many
mental-health writing/rum-and-coke/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/rum-and-coke/index\twriting/rum-and-coke/index
mental-health writing/sawtooth/a-theory-of-attachment.md 3;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/a-theory-of-attachment\twriting/sawtooth/a-theory-of-attachment#mental-health
@ -261,6 +266,7 @@ metafurry writing/rum-and-coke/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/rum-and-coke/index\t
metafurry writing/rum-and-coke/what-i-expected.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/rum-and-coke/what-i-expected\twriting/rum-and-coke/what-i-expected
movement writing/sawtooth/fisher.md 3;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/fisher\twriting/sawtooth/fisher#movement
novel writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index\twriting/consequences-of-dissonance/index
novel writing/inner-demons/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/inner-demons/index\twriting/inner-demons/index
novel writing/no-thoughts-our-own/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/no-thoughts-our-own/index\twriting/no-thoughts-our-own/index
novel writing/post-self/qoheleth/Carter/001-a.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/post-self/qoheleth/Carter/001-a\twriting/post-self/qoheleth/Carter/001-a
novel writing/post-self/qoheleth/Carter/001-b.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/post-self/qoheleth/Carter/001-b\twriting/post-self/qoheleth/Carter/001-b
@ -561,6 +567,7 @@ scifi writing/post-self/qoheleth/Sasha/005.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/post-self/qohe
scifi writing/post-self/qoheleth/index.md 3;" vimwiki:writing/post-self/qoheleth/index\twriting/post-self/qoheleth/index#scifi
sexuality writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index\twriting/consequences-of-dissonance/index
sexuality writing/rum-and-coke/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/rum-and-coke/index\twriting/rum-and-coke/index
short-story writing/acethetic.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/acethetic\twriting/acethetic
short-story writing/belek.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/belek\twriting/belek
short-story writing/post-self/apres-un-reve.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/post-self/apres-un-reve\twriting/post-self/apres-un-reve
short-story writing/post-self/assignment.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/post-self/assignment\twriting/post-self/assignment
@ -585,15 +592,18 @@ tech tech/md-ext/editing.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/editing\ttech/md-ext/editing
tech tech/md-ext/verse.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/verse\ttech/md-ext/verse
tech tech/md-ext/vimwiki.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/vimwiki\ttech/md-ext/vimwiki
universe writing/sawtooth/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/sawtooth/index\twriting/sawtooth/index
urban-fantasy writing/acethetic.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/acethetic\twriting/acethetic
vimwiki tech/md-ext/editing.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/editing\ttech/md-ext/editing
vimwiki tech/md-ext/verse.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/verse\ttech/md-ext/verse
vimwiki tech/md-ext/vimwiki.md 2;" vimwiki:tech/md-ext/vimwiki\ttech/md-ext/vimwiki
writing diary/2020-04-09.md 1;" vimwiki:diary/2020-04-09\tdiary/2020-04-09
writing writing/acethetic.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/acethetic\twriting/acethetic
writing writing/belek.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/belek\twriting/belek
writing writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/consequences-of-dissonance/index\twriting/consequences-of-dissonance/index
writing writing/eigengrau.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/eigengrau\twriting/eigengrau
writing writing/eigengrau/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/eigengrau/index\twriting/eigengrau/index
writing writing/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/index\twriting/index
writing writing/inner-demons/index.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/inner-demons/index\twriting/inner-demons/index
writing writing/jaroudi/asoub/1.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/1\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/1
writing writing/jaroudi/asoub/2.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/2\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/2
writing writing/jaroudi/asoub/3.md 2;" vimwiki:writing/jaroudi/asoub/3\twriting/jaroudi/asoub/3

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%title Untitled ace werewolves
:writing:fiction:urban-fantasy:asexuality:short-story:
"Tonight's the night, eh?"
"Fuck off, Aaron," Jace growled. "Sick of your shit."
Except that's not actually what they said. They said "Mm" and nodded, instead.
"Got any big plans?"
"Nah. Just gonna rent a movie."
"I have, like, three other friends turning tonight," Aaron said, leaning back against the edge of Jace's cubicle. "Y'all like to cluster up, like some sort of pack."
Jace rolled their eyes. "Given that I don't know any others who turn tonight, I'd give that a no."
"Well, hey, I could introduce you--"
"I'm not looking for a party, Aaron."
"Yeah, sorry, I know. I just thought that I--"
"Could come with?" Jace said, then continued silently in their head, "And get laid?"
"Yeah, man! Sorry."
"Thanks."
"Anyway, yeah. A night out with four werewolves sounds like a blast."
Jace shrugged, feeling heat flush up over their cheeks and ears. "Well, I'm just going to rent a movie and stay in, I think."
"Suit yourself, buddy."
Jace knit their brow.
"Sorry."
"Thanks."
Aaron stood and chattered about his friends a bit longer. He seemed as though he were still holding out hope that Jace would join in with them on some glorious night on the town followed by - knowing Aaron - plenty of fucking.
Jace knew when last Aaron had gotten laid because their coworker had talked about it at least once a day, every day, for two weeks. Some fling with some guy who promised he was a werewolf and that it just wasn't his night. While Jace harbored their doubts about the last bit, they figured it probably didn't matter one way or the other to him. A chaser would never be satisfied with anything other than the chase.
"Listen, Aaron," Jace interrupted. "Can I just finish this up real quick?"
Wrongfooted, Aaron stammered a yeah-sure and stomped back to his own cube.
Jace figured they'd probably picked a bad time in Aaron's story to interrupt, but couldn't be sure. They hadn't been paying attention.
Just get stuff wrapped up and run home to change. *Rent a movie,* indeed.
-----
The way they looked at it, Jace had three things working in concert to make life difficult: they were ace, they were a werewolf, and they were single and didn't want to be. If any one of those three things were to disappear, their life would become simple. Trivial. Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.
The three of them together were three halves of a person trying to become one whole. Were the asexual bit gone, they'd plop right down in the center of the dating pool and immediately be partnered. Were the werewolf bit untrue, they could live a comfortable life seeking out an ace partner without the undue pressure put on them by the whole "turns into a wolf-person once a month" thing.
And boy could they bypass a lot of they would just be okay being single.
But no, this was the hand they were dealt: sex was a panicky mess, the mere thought of which left them feeling slippery and tacky; werewolves were the sex-gods everyone else wanted to be (or, cue Aaron, be with), and 'fuck-beast' would never apply to them; and they were just so lonely.
So they kept trying.
Dating as an ace were was a bit of an adventure. They'd initially left the whole not-into-sex bit off their profile, but that had led to a lot of okay first dates followed by really bad second dates. For them to list themselves as were --- something they weren't willing to compromise on --- and then *not* be available first night was...well, everyone got the jitters once in a while, right? But two dates without sex rarely led to a third.
Once they'd listed asexuality on their bio, their hits had dropped by half, and of those they did wind up meeting up with, about half had seemed to want to do so in order to somehow fix Jace by getting them in bed. The reasons ran the gamut from the painfully self-centered "well, who *wouldn't* want to fuck me?" to the endearingly awkward "you just haven't found the right one yet, dear".
It had irked them to no end, and while they knew it wasn't the case --- they didn't think so, at least --- but they'd eventually just added "(for medical reasons)" after "asexual" on their page. This after they'd not stopped an aggressive touch soon enough, and their date gotten upset for them not responding how they had imagined a werewolf ought to. Jace supposed the lack of unbridled lust was a point against them, and a third date never materialized.
Maybe it was true. Maybe they were just born busted, just needed repair.
Jace shook their head, feeling the reverie cling to their thoughts like wisps of cobweb, dogging their vision even as they struggled to get changed out of dull work clothes and into their nicest shifting clothes. Loose black slacks with elastic that wasn't too worn out, and a 'button'-up shirt that was clasped shut with magnets behind the faux-buttons.
This Ellie they were meeting tonight was one they hoped would be one of those who were comfortable with both the ace and the were thing, and that all that would be left would be the actual did-the-date-work-ness of the night.
-----
"So, what do you do?"
"Do?" Jace straightened up and tried to dispel the subdermal itching that presaged the shift. It'd happen before long, nothing to do but wait for it.
"Yeah, like...you've told me about work, but what to you do? What do you love doing?"
"I read a lot, I suppose." The words sounded dull before they even finished speaking, and the final bit of non-committal non-language was mumbled, more a gesture at language than anything concrete. "Which sounds boring, when I put it like that. I mean, I read a lot of non-fiction. I've got a great book I'm working through now about the history of homosexuality."
At this, their date perked up. Ellie's smile, Jace realized, had been somewhat forced up until this point, as it suddenly grew more earnest. "By Crompton?"
"That's the one," they answered automatically, then tilted their head. "Wait, you know the one?"
(Need some more stuff here so that Ellie's actually engrossed)
"Of course!" Ellie laughed. "A bit dry, at times, but fascinating all the same."
"Fair enough, yeah. I've been enjoying what I've read so far." Jace grinned.
Across the table from him, Ellie started back, fork clinking against the plate too loudly.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah," she said hoarsely, then shook her head and laughed once more. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just, your teeth--"
Darting their hand up to their face, Jace felt the downy fur, still just a peach-fuzz thick, coating their cheeks, and they knew that their canines must be lengthening as well. They covered their mouth with their hand --- fast becoming a paw --- and stammered, "Sorry. I can-- I mean, sorry. Would you like to call things for the night and pick them up another time? I understand if--"
Ellie reached her hand out, palm up, on the table, offering it to Jace. "No, it's okay. Really. Nothing I haven't seen before. Guess I was just wrapped up in the conversation enough that it took me by surprise."

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* [Jaroudi](jaroudi/index)
* [ally](https://ally.id)
* [No Thoughts Our Own](no-thoughts-our-own/index)
* [Inner Demons](inner-demons/index)
* Poetry:
* [Eigengrau](eigengrau)
* [Ongoing](poetry/index)
## Individual stories
* [*untitled ace werewolf thing*](acethetic)
* [The Presence Between the Pages](belek)
* [Missives](missives)
* [Light](light)

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%title Inner Demons
:writing:horror:novel:fiction:mental-health:
In which Maddy tried to do a lead-up to NaNoWriMo but kinda biffed it.
## Synopsis
Family moves, oldest son is depressed, haunting starts, gets worse over time, solution is they all have to go to demon, surrounded by perfect calm and everything in it's place wherever they go, tell son to kill himself, demon is stopped, but with laughter, exactly as it had willed. Everything back to normal, only the family remembers what happened, only thing different is oldest son still dead of suicide
Really, the story is about Jeff (and thus, the reader) being totally unable to comprehend what Justin is going through. It is big and horrifying and totally inaccessible to anyone but Justin. The ultimate folly is not asking for help.
## Cast
* Father:
* Jeff Perez
* Architect
* Single father
* Fear of fire, tries to pass that on, but unsafe with guns, which justin gets
* Mother:
* dead
* Karen Perez-Gray
* Dog:
* dead
* Benji
* reason for moving
* Son:
* Justin Perez-Gray
* Musician, but still figuring himself out, maybe 16 or 17
* Daughter:
* Kayla/Kay-bear Perez-Gray
* Elementary school, looks up to her brother a lot
* demon:
* Osé
* Aunt:
* Alice Gray
* takes care of Kayla after
## Outline
* Act 1
* Moving to new house (from NM to new england)
* Why? Single father, architect, new job maybe?
* New schools
* two kids, younger daughter and older son
* Beginning of signs that son is depressed, not just upset over move
* Makes it through a quarter, hasn't joined extracurricular activities, no friends - all expected, but also stops playing music except on headphones, starts occasionally missing dinner, etc.
* Act 2
* Haunting starts
* dreams for everyone
* Jeff: Nightmare about wife dying for Jeff (car crash on her way home, called by the coroner, Kayla still a toddler) - all of jeff's dreams are about the inability to help, reach, punch, touch, etc.
* Acts:
1. dreams
2. Books crash to floor
3. Flushes of heat and cold (cold around Kayla, hot around Justin)
4. Phantom touches
5. Mice (can't be found by pest control)
6. Brown outs (neighbors don't experience)
7. Rotting food (forced to eat out)
8. ??
9. ??
* son starts spending time at half-constructed abandoned house next door reading and thinking, much, much more depressed
* initial worries about drugs, but the lack of any social connections, much less drug connections puts lie to that
* father sits with him a few times at the old house, finding him sitting with a book, the same book each time, but with very little progress in reading, just staring and feeling awful.
* the opposite of depression is vitality - son already starting to seem dead inside, except for the hurting.
* Kayla starts drawing flowers
* draws the attention of her art teacher, who gives her encouragement
* Conversations about the source of art - "Where are you getting this?" "From inside my head" "but what is your inspiration?" "Flowers. Fields full of flowers. Organized and disorganized," etc
* Haunting starts to pick up with actual occurrences at home - smell of smoke, phantom touches, etc, difficult for painfully rational dad
* Start searching for new house, no one is happy here for more obvious reasons than it being new.
* Act 3
* Justin goes missing for dinner
* The story of getting to the son with the daughter - the tribulations of making it out of the relative safety of the home to the abandoned house next door
* passing through 'gates' to reach him - falls to ground with each gate
1. Fear
2. Anger (invisible resistance)
3. Tears
4. Blood
5. Fire
6. Blackness
* Cut to Kayla
* Problems from her point of view, talking with teachers
* Making her way out to her dad after midnight
7. Filth (Kayla shows up here, time passes weird, almost 3 am) (soot, slick, oily, feeling dirty, making the feeling of cleanliness that Kayla feels mentioned in the epilogue more important)
8. Desperation ???
9. Pain ???
* 3am encounter with demon and son's suicide
* discussion with demon
* son's suicide
* demon's laughter
* Epilogue
* who knows what happened. Writing a letter/journal, trying to get ideas out?
* When David heard that Absolom was slain, he went up into his chamber over the gate and cried, "My son, my son, would God I had died for thee"
* Daughter won't talk except at school (how much of this is the father being crushed versus the daughter's own grief?)
* Left over:
* burnt and singed hair
* memories
* the feeling of grease and dirt that never quite comes clean