update from sparkleup

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/30.md

@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
-It is a Saturday today and I have no clients, so I am attempting to write at home rather than on a bench somewhere, and am actually using my computer for it this time rather than swiping my thumbpad across a phone screen. I have to admit that I feel very strange writing like this. It feels almost like a violation of a habit, despite having only been at this for a few days.
+It is a Saturday today and I have no clients, so I am attempting to write at home rather than on a bench somewhere or slouched in my office chair, and am actually using my computer for it this time rather than swiping my thumbpad across a phone screen. I have to admit that I feel very strange writing like this. It feels almost like a violation of a habit, despite having only been at this for a few days.
 
-I have put some further thought into what I wrote about yesterday, about the fact that there may have been some hints at romance or a crush or what-have-you prior to the time when Kay moved away.
+I have put some further thought into what I wrote about over the last two days, about the fact that there may have been some hints at romance or a crush or what-have-you prior to the time when Kay moved away.
 
 I do not think that, at the time, I was thinking in terms of romance, and I also don't think that it was on Kay's mind either. Her parents may have been of the mind that we might have been going out with each other, but I do not know.
 
@@ -33,11 +33,11 @@ I remember feeling a pang in my chest as I realized that I wanted to experience
 
 I am no stranger to sexual fantasies. I have had them plenty in my life, and am not ashamed to admit that, but the thing that sticks with me about this night of fantasizing is that there was nothing sexual about it. I did not fantasize about Kay and I some day having sex, of all the things we might do along those lines. Instead, I fantasized about hugging her, breathing deep, then leaning back and, for some reason, brushing my thumb over her cheek.
 
-I don't know why, but that night, that act picked up a talismanic significance, as though were I to perform the ritual - the hug, the breath, the brush through fur - in precisely the correct way, I might somehow feel a light more intense than the sun wash through me, feel a rush of fulfillment, feel a sense of rightness and completion.
+I don't know why, but that night, that act picked up a talismanic significance, as though were I to perform the ritual --- the hug, the breath, the brush through fur --- in precisely the correct way, I might somehow feel a light more intense than the sun wash through me, feel a rush of fulfillment, feel a sense of rightness and completion.
 
 Finally, I remember praying. I remember speaking to God and holding in tension my words to Him and these feelings that I was having. I remember asking Him what this meant. What, O Lord, does it mean to desire fulfillment from another person? I do not want to possess them. I do not want to lay with them. I am not even sure that I love them. I just want to be happy with them, and yet in such a specific way. What does it mean?
 
-The little voice through which God speaks to me was silent. I was not surprised - the domain of God's works are not the petty interpersonal relationships between individuals but rather whether or not their lives are lived in grace or in sin, and whether or not they strive to bring grace to the world around them.
+The little voice through which God speaks to me was silent. I was not surprised --- the domain of God's works are not the petty interpersonal relationships between individuals but rather whether or not their lives are lived in grace or in sin, and whether or not they strive to bring grace to the world around them.
 
 I was not surprised, but I was, admittedly, disappointed. I try not to be disappointed in the ways of the Lord, of course. It's not His job to solve my problems, and to expect him to do so is silly.
 

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/50.md

@@ -18,7 +18,7 @@ And then, as with today, I struggle to try and justify this decision to myself.
 
 But that door nonetheless seems shut to me. I made the decision, however brashly, and there is nothing more to be done. It was the *right* decision, too. It was right at the time and it remains so to this day. Something snapped within me and I realized that the church's insistence on being a guiding force only in the lives of the followers of the church --- a church whose attendance has been steadily declining these last hundred years --- does not mesh well with the message we profess to espouse. Help, yes. Feed the hungry, clothe the poor, house the homeless. But not guide. Guidance comes from God, we were taught at that school, and so any guidance that we as mere mortals might provide must perforce come in the fashion of encouraging believers to strengthen their faith and for non-believers to become believers.
 
-I know that, in practice, many of the clergy do in fact provide guidance on a much more earthly level than they were taught in seminary, but to me, to poor Dee Kimana who follows the rules too literally, that this goal was not stated outright felt like we were being taught to construct a wall between those within the church who were somehow more worthy of learning how to live fuller, more complete lives, and those outside who were, in some unspoken way, not.
+I know that, in practice, many of the clergy do in fact provide guidance on a much more earthly level than they were taught in my MDiv courses, but to me, to poor Dee Kimana who follows the rules too literally, that this goal was not stated outright felt like we were being taught to construct a wall between those within the church who were somehow more worthy of learning how to live fuller, more complete lives, and those outside who were, in some unspoken way, not.
 
 The rightness isn't the problem, it was the speed. It was the ease of the decision. How could I possible have known that that was the right thing to do? I jumped ship from my path toward the clergy and straight into a masters program in psychology. Helpful for providing guidance, yes, but what could possibly have caused me to act so far outside the norm?
 
@@ -30,7 +30,7 @@ I remember shrugging and saying, "It's still on my mind. I've been thinking a lo
 
 This hit me in a strange way. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that this was precisely the problem I was facing, that the problem was that the decision came to me with no forethought. However, a therapist usually does not go out of their way to wrong-foot a client without there being more to the question, and so I motioned for him to continue.
 
-"You are a very deliberate person, there is no denying that. You live your entire life in a deliberate fashion. I think we would both agree that your leaving seminary was sudden, yes, but still deliberate." He paused and waited for me to nod. "But when you talk about your feelings on Kay, all of that falls away. You waffle and equivocate and stay put, never moving forward."
+"You are a very deliberate person, there is no denying that. You live your entire life in a deliberate fashion. I think we would both agree that your leaving Saint John's was sudden, yes, but still deliberate." He paused and waited for me to nod. "But when you talk about your feelings on Kay, all of that falls away. You waffle and equivocate and stay put, never moving forward."
 
 "I'm trying, though. That's why I've been writing."
 

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/60.md

@@ -10,7 +10,7 @@ I talk with her like I talk with strangers, at least whenever we near this topic
 
 I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.
 
-What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left seminary. She knew this fact, of course. I am not secretive about my spirituality, of course, just as she is not shy about her lack thereof.
+What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left Saint John's. She knew this fact, of course. I am not secretive about my spirituality, of course, just as she is not shy about her lack thereof.
 
 What she did not know, however, was that I had left willingly. At some point along the way, she had picked up on the idea that perhaps I had been ushered out unwillingly. When pressed as to why, she said, "Oh, I don't know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something."
 
@@ -24,7 +24,7 @@ My reply: "Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem, but I c
 
 From there I explained much of what I had talked about earlier, about how I started to doubt the church, rather than my faith or scriptures, and yet how my decision to leave had come suddenly enough to surprise even myself.
 
-Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration of the seminary let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the seminary itself.
+Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the school itself.
 
 Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because I strove to reassure them that there were no hints of apostasy? Was it because they, on some level, agreed with me?
 

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/70.md

@@ -66,7 +66,7 @@ I winced.
 
 "--but when it comes to specific situations, you come up against some internal resistance. Have you been able to be vulnerable around Kay before?"
 
-I nodded and recounted our conversation about leaving seminary for university.
+I nodded and recounted our conversation about leaving Saint John's.
 
 "That sounds like a good bit of forward progress, then. Do you have any other things that you could be vulnerable to her about?"