update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/selected-letters/021.md

@@ -36,77 +36,77 @@ Ioan, Aurel, May, and Sasha
 
 ### May's addendum:
 
-> I do not know if it is strange of me to say "I am happy that we are fading into obscurity" or not.
+I do not know if it is strange of me to say "I am happy that we are fading into obscurity" or not.
->
+
-> A part of me hopes that it *is* strange. That part hopes that we always find some small amount of wonder at the things that we did in this world, and that we were still somehow able to return to comfortable unimportance. It has been centuries since we were nobody.
+A part of me hopes that it *is* strange. That part hopes that we always find some small amount of wonder at the things that we did in this world, and that we were still somehow able to return to comfortable unimportance. It has been centuries since we were nobody.
->
+
-> Us being what we are, this move towards irrelevance is an intentional one. It is not simply that we are done with our tasks, nor that we are no longer able to keep up with the world around us, though there is some truth to both of those. We are pushing ourselves back towards this nobodyness as both a way to finally take full and complete ownership of our lives and to relinquish the death-grip that we held on the past.
+Us being what we are, this move towards irrelevance is an intentional one. It is not simply that we are done with our tasks, nor that we are no longer able to keep up with the world around us, though there is some truth to both of those. We are pushing ourselves back towards this nobodyness as both a way to finally take full and complete ownership of our lives and to relinquish the death-grip that we held on the past.
->
+
-> Such grand statements! We will remain ourselves even into obscurity, I suppose.
+Such grand statements! We will remain ourselves even into obscurity, I suppose.
->
+
-> Imagine, though, the freedom that comes with being a nobody! What wonders boredom holds! If Ioan and I have a particularly good dessert, that is something that we can think about for *weeks.* It will be the biggest thing to happen to us in a month. We can talk about that cheesecake that we had years later, remembering just how perfect it was, how it was not simply cheesecake, but **cheesecake**. We can think back on that, sigh, and then, as we did tonight, simply label that memory aloud and share a moment of happiness.
+Imagine, though, the freedom that comes with being a nobody! What wonders boredom holds! If Ioan and I have a particularly good dessert, that is something that we can think about for *weeks.* It will be the biggest thing to happen to us in a month. We can talk about that cheesecake that we had years later, remembering just how perfect it was, how it was not simply cheesecake, but **cheesecake**. We can think back on that, sigh, and then, as we did tonight, simply label that memory aloud and share a moment of happiness.
->
+
-> The large becomes incomprehensible in such a life, and the small becomes important. Given that there is no shortage of small events worth remembering, well...a boring life is no bad thing.
+The large becomes incomprehensible in such a life, and the small becomes important. Given that there is no shortage of small events worth remembering, well...a boring life is no bad thing.
->
+
-> May your lives be occasionally boring in the best possible way. I love you all.
+May your lives be occasionally boring in the best possible way. I love you all.
 
 ### Aurel's addendum:
 
-> I've just said goodnight to Ioan and May and closed the door between our places. Every time I rejoin Sasha, we take a week to ourselves. Just us. No shared dinners or going out together. It gives me a way to switch contexts from what I remember as Ioan into how I know to act around Sasha, and it gives her a week of slow reentry after however long alone (this last spell was about six months, which is on the long side for her, but you'll see why in her message).
+I've just said goodnight to Ioan and May and closed the door between our places. Every time I rejoin Sasha, we take a week to ourselves. Just us. No shared dinners or going out together. It gives me a way to switch contexts from what I remember as Ioan into how I know to act around Sasha, and it gives her a week of slow reentry after however long alone (this last spell was about six months, which is on the long side for her, but you'll see why in her message).
->
+
-> We wrote about the very everydayness that we were finding enjoyable, such as the ability to just decide on a picnic on a whim and have it turn into a party. Well, one of the things that I enjoy about this time most of all is that Sasha and I spend this first week just focusing on domesticity. We cook every meal. We clean by hand. We go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time, go for a walk at the same time every day. Settling into a routine with her feels like a clutch engaging, a mechanical clicking-into-place of realities in some precise mechanism such that, by the end of the week, I find myself sitting back and marveling that it could ever have been any different.
+We wrote about the very everydayness that we were finding enjoyable, such as the ability to just decide on a picnic on a whim and have it turn into a party. Well, one of the things that I enjoy about this time most of all is that Sasha and I spend this first week just focusing on domesticity. We cook every meal. We clean by hand. We go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time, go for a walk at the same time every day. Settling into a routine with her feels like a clutch engaging, a mechanical clicking-into-place of realities in some precise mechanism such that, by the end of the week, I find myself sitting back and marveling that it could ever have been any different.
->
+
-> It's still so interesting to me to see the ways in which this sort of happiness differs from the happiness that I have with May as Ioan. Ioan and May move in a comfortable, complementary almost-lockstep. Their life is a dance. It has its rhythm and its steps, and yet it still has the creativity of the music of their temperaments laying beneath.
+It's still so interesting to me to see the ways in which this sort of happiness differs from the happiness that I have with May as Ioan. Ioan and May move in a comfortable, complementary almost-lockstep. Their life is a dance. It has its rhythm and its steps, and yet it still has the creativity of the music of their temperaments laying beneath.
->
+
-> Sasha and I have a life that is that mechanism with the clutch. It isn't an impersonal machine; more like a pipe organ, perhaps, or a loom than an engine. It's a framework for beauty. We move together in the ways that we must and with a sense of purpose that adds to our lives. On her end, I imagine that it comes from the memories from her life as True Name, but on my end, I think it comes from the fact that, knowing we'll part again after however many months, my purpose *is* our time together. There's no point in staving off the day when I wake up alone; it will come when it comes. The purpose is to be present.
+Sasha and I have a life that is that mechanism with the clutch. It isn't an impersonal machine; more like a pipe organ, perhaps, or a loom than an engine. It's a framework for beauty. We move together in the ways that we must and with a sense of purpose that adds to our lives. On her end, I imagine that it comes from the memories from her life as True Name, but on my end, I think it comes from the fact that, knowing we'll part again after however many months, my purpose *is* our time together. There's no point in staving off the day when I wake up alone; it will come when it comes. The purpose is to be present.
->
+
-> You'll have to forgive me for being a bit mawkish. I always get like this when our relationship starts back up again. Add on the lingering alcohol, and, well, I'm not *not* crying.
+You'll have to forgive me for being a bit mawkish. I always get like this when our relationship starts back up again. Add on the lingering alcohol, and, well, I'm not *not* crying.
->
+
-> There is little else to add other than she finally talked her way into going back to striped skunk again. I think even Jonas and the rest of the eighth stanza was tired of her whining about her species. She still has a few limitations on how she should look, but I don't think she wants to look like True Name anymore, anyway.
+There is little else to add other than she finally talked her way into going back to striped skunk again. I think even Jonas and the rest of the eighth stanza was tired of her whining about her species. She still has a few limitations on how she should look, but I don't think she wants to look like True Name anymore, anyway.
->
+
-> I'm going to do as I promised and make hot cocoa while she finishes up her note. I miss you all dearly. Write soon. 
+I'm going to do as I promised and make hot cocoa while she finishes up her note. I miss you all dearly. Write soon. 
 
 ### Sasha's addendum:
 
-> I am going to lead with business.
+I am going to lead with business.
->
+
-> I have attached two versions of the manuscript for *Ode*. One of these is for you all except for Dear, and one is for Dear alone. I have set visibility exceptions accordingly.
+I have attached two versions of the manuscript for *Ode*. One of these is for you all except for Dear, and one is for Dear alone. I have set visibility exceptions accordingly.
->
+
-> *Ode* is my attempt at telling the story of the Ode clade parallel to the Bălans' *History*. I could not tell that story without telling the beginning, however, and telling the beginning of that story means naming someone who hasn't been publicly named in almost two and a half centuries.
+*Ode* is my attempt at telling the story of the Ode clade parallel to the Bălans' *History*. I could not tell that story without telling the beginning, however, and telling the beginning of that story means naming someone who hasn't been publicly named in almost two and a half centuries.
->
+
-> The two manuscripts are identical except that the version for Dear has all instance of the poet's name replaced with 'the poet'. I do not know what re-learning the Name would do to it, if it would do anything, but I would rather that be its choice that it can approach intentionally instead of having it forced upon it by my inattentiveness.
+The two manuscripts are identical except that the version for Dear has all instance of the poet's name replaced with 'the poet'. I do not know what re-learning the Name would do to it, if it would do anything, but I would rather that be its choice that it can approach intentionally instead of having it forced upon it by my inattentiveness.
->
+
-> This project will not be released until systime 242 --- is it odd that my first project is something that I will not publish for years? Perhaps --- in order to provide the Ode clade sufficient time to prepare for the publication of the Name, as well as to give Jonas any time he needs to prepare for any political consequences. I have done my best to tell the story straight and have held back things that I know he would object to seeing in print. I do not want any more assassins after me.
+This project will not be released until systime 242 --- is it odd that my first project is something that I will not publish for years? Perhaps --- in order to provide the Ode clade sufficient time to prepare for the publication of the Name, as well as to give Jonas any time he needs to prepare for any political consequences. I have done my best to tell the story straight and have held back things that I know he would object to seeing in print. I do not want any more assassins after me.
->
+
-> I am not worried, though. True Name#Castor is firmly on my side and is slowly convincing True Name#Pollux and the rest of the eighth stanza here. They are working on a solution to getting this into both In Dreams and Hammered Silver's hands; I will not be the one to cross that particular boundary.
+I am not worried, though. True Name#Castor is firmly on my side and is slowly convincing True Name#Pollux and the rest of the eighth stanza here. They are working on a solution to getting this into both In Dreams and Hammered Silver's hands; I will not be the one to cross that particular boundary.
->
+
-> Business: done.
+Business: done.
->
+
-> Every time I return, I feel like I have to do so deliberately, as though slowly releasing the tension on an elastic band lest it snap toward one's face. I do not know what me snapping would look like --- nothing violent, I am sure, though I do not pretend to be incapable of hurting others emotionally.
+Every time I return, I feel like I have to do so deliberately, as though slowly releasing the tension on an elastic band lest it snap toward one's face. I do not know what me snapping would look like --- nothing violent, I am sure, though I do not pretend to be incapable of hurting others emotionally.
->
+
-> Aurel handles this beautifully. Ey is kind and patient, and we spend these first few days focusing on routine as the wild leaves my blood and I can settle back down into the type of person who can live with another, love another, and not feel hemmed in. May is lucky to have Ioan and Dear to have Codrin, but I am thrice-blessed to have Aurel.
+Aurel handles this beautifully. Ey is kind and patient, and we spend these first few days focusing on routine as the wild leaves my blood and I can settle back down into the type of person who can live with another, love another, and not feel hemmed in. May is lucky to have Ioan and Dear to have Codrin, but I am thrice-blessed to have Aurel.
->
+
-> I have gone and made myself cry. Ah well. I am not sorry. Aurel has made hot cocoa and there is a quilt on the beanbag and I am home.
+I have gone and made myself cry. Ah well. I am not sorry. Aurel has made hot cocoa and there is a quilt on the beanbag and I am home.
->
+
-> Goodnight. I love you all.
+Goodnight. I love you all.
 
 ### Ioan's addendum:
 
-> From the author biography for the third edition of *Seven Hearts Turned*: 
+From the author biography for the third edition of *Seven Hearts Turned*: 
->
+
-> > Rareș Bălan was born in 2215 in a small village in Cristești, Botoșani County, Western Moldavia, and often said that his own heart never left the village. His writing has been praised for its clear-eyed treatment of Eastern European lower-class life, and has garnered accolades from literary journals around the world, including *The Baltic*, *The Steel Nib Review*, and *Craft*. He died in 2268 and is buried in Cristești so that, true to his words, his heart will remain there.
+> Rareș Bălan was born in 2215 in a small village in Cristești, Botoșani County, Western Moldavia, and often said that his own heart never left the village. His writing has been praised for its clear-eyed treatment of Eastern European lower-class life, and has garnered accolades from literary journals around the world, including *The Baltic*, *The Steel Nib Review*, and *Craft*. He died in 2268 and is buried in Cristești so that, true to his words, his heart will remain there.
->
+
-> I found this on a library trawl not too long ago. I don't know why I never thought to simply look him up by his name as an author. I guess I always thought that was my thing, and that maybe he wouldn't be interested. I'm kicking myself for such an assumption, now. Of course he can like writing. We were so alike, weren't we? I feel ashamed for believing otherwise. Perhaps I was just worried that I'd find him there, just as I have.
+I found this on a library trawl not too long ago. I don't know why I never thought to simply look him up by his name as an author. I guess I always thought that was my thing, and that maybe he wouldn't be interested. I'm kicking myself for such an assumption, now. Of course he can like writing. We were so alike, weren't we? I feel ashamed for believing otherwise. Perhaps I was just worried that I'd find him there, just as I have.
->
+
-> I was such a mess when I found it. I had to step home and just spend some time letting out a whole lot of overwhelming emotions all at once. It scared the shit out of May, but once she saw the book I'd dropped on the table, she understood and spent the rest of the day letting talk when I was able and cry when I wasn't.
+I was such a mess when I found it. I had to step home and just spend some time letting out a whole lot of overwhelming emotions all at once. It scared the shit out of May, but once she saw the book I'd dropped on the table, she understood and spent the rest of the day letting talk when I was able and cry when I wasn't.
->
+
-> I didn't even open the book --- I just read that right off the back cover and fell apart --- so you can imagine just how much of a mess I was when I finally managed to open it a few days later and came across the dedication *"For Ioan"* in the beginning.
+I didn't even open the book --- I just read that right off the back cover and fell apart --- so you can imagine just how much of a mess I was when I finally managed to open it a few days later and came across the dedication *"For Ioan"* in the beginning.
->
+
-> Reading it has been slow-going for obvious reasons.
+Reading it has been slow-going for obvious reasons.
->
+
-> All of that talk about everyday happiness earlier, and all those words May wrote about living a boring life, and there's little I can add other than, yes, life does as it will, and a boring life is no bad thing. People are born and then, 53 years later, they die and are buried near where they grew up. Older brothers upload and the money that brings sends younger brothers to school, just as it was meant to. People see themselves in the pages of a book decades or centuries later and stop having so many unsettling dreams about those they left behind.
+All of that talk about everyday happiness earlier, and all those words May wrote about living a boring life, and there's little I can add other than, yes, life does as it will, and a boring life is no bad thing. People are born and then, 53 years later, they die and are buried near where they grew up. Older brothers upload and the money that brings sends younger brothers to school, just as it was meant to. People see themselves in the pages of a book decades or centuries later and stop having so many unsettling dreams about those they left behind.
->
+
-> There's little that I can add, here, knowing what May wrote, what Aurel will likely write, and what Sasha's sending along, so I guess all I can do is say, as always, all my love to you and yours. Be well.
+There's little that I can add, here, knowing what May wrote, what Aurel will likely write, and what Sasha's sending along, so I guess all I can do is say, as always, all my love to you and yours. Be well.
 
 [^justforked]: Five minutes ago. *Just* forked.
 

writing/post-self/selected-letters/index.md

@@ -20,27 +20,28 @@
 
 > *Note:* With the events of the last ten years, there's been a lot changes shaking out in the clade when it comes to relationships. Collecting all of these here so that I can keep them handy for when things doubtless need further shaking out in the future. For the sake of comfortable through-reading, all eyes-only metadata has been stripped, but trust that everything was eyes-only to the named recipients. I've kept the timestamps as the message-sent time in the metadata. It's been thirty years and I'm still struggling with transmission delays.
 
-1. [O] Exposition
+1. [X] Exposition
-    1. [O] [Codrin#Castor → Ioan](001): tearful letter re: Sorina
+    1. [X] [Intro](000): about
-    2. [O] [Ioan → clade](002): first meeting with True Name
+    2. [X] [Codrin#Castor → Ioan](001): tearful letter re: Sorina
-    3. [O] [Codrin#Castor → clade](003): on convergence
+    3. [X] [Ioan → clade](002): first meeting with True Name
-    4. [O] [Sorina → Ioan](004): greetings (on S+L day)
+    4. [X] [Codrin#Castor → clade](003): on convergence
-    5. [O] [Codrin#Castor → Ioan, #Pollux](005): Struggling re: Sorina and silence
+    5. [X] [Sorina → Ioan](004): greetings (on S+L day)
-    6. [O] [Sorina → Ioan](006): I love you letter
+    6. [X] [Codrin#Castor → Ioan, #Pollux](005): Struggling re: Sorina and silence
-    7. [O] [Codrin#Pollux → clade](007): Dear's partner is gone, serene is back
+    7. [X] [Sorina → Ioan](006): I love you letter
-2. [O] Development (footnote saying that at this point, comms include exclusion for requested parties, given to all on the same day)
+    8. [X] [Codrin#Pollux → clade](007): Dear's partner is gone, serene is back
-    1. [O] [Aurel → clade](008): Hi. Summary of *Mitzvot*, asking after TN, note that replies from other TNs were identical, proving they're in on it w/ Jonas, PS thoughts on whether or not Ioan and Michelle would have wound up together, b/c Sasha, parallel + intermittent monogamy, gender w/ nicknames, musing on clades + how they might have actually fared prior to uploading (e.g: would that disagreement b/w In Dreams+Hammered Silver w/ them manifest as fights or something?)
+2. [X] Development (footnote saying that at this point, comms include exclusion for requested parties, given to all on the same day)
-    2. [O] [Codrin#Pollux → clade](009): Moping re: partner
+    1. [X] [Aurel → clade](008): Hi. Summary of *Mitzvot*, asking after TN, note that replies from other TNs were identical, proving they're in on it w/ Jonas, PS thoughts on whether or not Ioan and Michelle would have wound up together, b/c Sasha, parallel + intermittent monogamy, gender w/ nicknames, musing on clades + how they might have actually fared prior to uploading (e.g: would that disagreement b/w In Dreams+Hammered Silver w/ them manifest as fights or something?)
-    3. [O] [Sorina → Ioan](010): wonders about seeking out new partner to feel fulfilled before getting in touch with exes, never dated before, so what now? (sent before receiving Aurel's letter)
+    2. [X] [Codrin#Pollux → clade](009): Moping re: partner
-    4. [O] [Ioan → Codrin#Pollux](011): musing re: never been in a relationship before means never having to break up before (even if it's only temporary). Talked to May, who asked if it was like Rareş?
+    3. [X] [Sorina → Ioan](010): wonders about seeking out new partner to feel fulfilled before getting in touch with exes, never dated before, so what now? (sent before receiving Aurel's letter)
-    5. [O] [Sorina → Aurel and Ioan](012): Why are we in so many relationships with Odists? That is, what do we get out of our relationships with each other?
+    4. [X] [Ioan → Codrin#Pollux](011): musing re: never been in a relationship before means never having to break up before (even if it's only temporary). Talked to May, who asked if it was like Rareş?
-    6. [O] [Codrin#Pollux → clade](013): life with Serene and Dear, other Odist merges, but result doesn't stick around.
+    5. [X] [Sorina → Aurel and Ioan](012): Why are we in so many relationships with Odists? That is, what do we get out of our relationships with each other?
-    7. [O] [Codrin#Castor → Sorina, Fwd: Ioan](014): to Sorina opening discussions
+    6. [X] [Codrin#Pollux → clade](013): life with Serene and Dear, other Odist merges, but result doesn't stick around.
+    7. [X] [Codrin#Castor → Sorina, Fwd: Ioan](014): to Sorina opening discussions
 3. [O] Recapitulation
-    1. [O] [Sorina → clade](015): apology to Codrin, short, but promises more
+    1. [X] [Sorina → clade](015): apology to Codrin, short, but promises more
-    2. [O] [Codrin#Pollux → Ioan + May](016): talking w/ partner re them moving on
+    2. [X] [Codrin#Pollux → Ioan + May](016): talking w/ partner re them moving on
-    3. [O] [Codrin#Castor → clade](017): to Sorina on moving on, tell us about yourself (nevermind Artemis, just you)
+    3. [X] [Codrin#Castor → clade](017): to Sorina on moving on, tell us about yourself (nevermind Artemis, just you)
-    4. [O] [Ioan → Codrin#Pollux and Sorina?](018): May on immortality vs. relationships.
+    4. [X] [Ioan → Codrin#Pollux and Sorina?](018): May on immortality vs. relationships.
-    5. [O] [Sorina → clade](019): finding her way back into being comfortably solitary, wants to hold off on A/V communication with Castor until she has things a bit more sorted with her emotions.
+    5. [X] [Sorina → clade](019): finding her way back into being comfortably solitary, wants to hold off on A/V communication with Castor until she has things a bit more sorted with her emotions.
     6. [-] [Codrin#Pollux → clade](020): moving on w/o partner, w/ Serene, attached image showing A/V working between systems, just a huge delay and limited bandwidth, Serene and Dear are collaborating
     7. [O] [Aurel and Ioan → clade](021): updates re: the clade fading to comfortable obscurity (doubtless TN's stanza is still active, perhaps others strive, but just folk now), Sasha back to striped skunk now that TN's relevance is fading, Aurel in and out of existence, passes on Sasha's work, incl redacted version for Dear, will publish on 250th anniversary of System founding to give other Odists time to prep for the Name. Rareș died phys-side, became writer, one book dedicated 'To Ioan'.