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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-10-29 22:45:05 -07:00
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writing/post-self/selected-letters/018.md
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> systime 229 (2353)
> (transmission delays)
Codrin#Pollux and Sorina,
Hi you two. I hope you've been doing well of late.
It's been heartening watching you reconnect, if I'm honest. I know I say it just about every time I write either of you, but I've been worried. You've both mentioned in the past feeling like I'm someone grounding that you can talk to, and...well, I hope this isn't weird of me to say, but I've been feeling protective of you both of late. It's not quite the realm of parenthood or anything like that, but it does kind of feel like I'm watching over the clade, in a way. I don't know if it's a root instance thing, a shared past thing, or a me, now, as I am thing.
It's probably the last.
I think it's high time to admit aloud that all of these memories of Rareș are starting to pile up for me. I've been struggling to keep my mind off him, honestly, and have been writing quite a bit. There have been a few abortive attempts at pulling the thoughts together into a book or screenplay or something, just as a way to process my feelings.
The thing is, if I want to be successful at something like that, I'll have to actually sit down and research the past. That's where I've been failing. I know it's something I'd need to do if I'm to do any project like that justice, and probably something I need to do if I'm to find a way to come to terms with the past, but there's some emotional block. Lately, every time I get close to engaging with the topic head on, I have a panic attack. Honest to goodness, full blown, hyperventilating and feeling like I'm dying panic attack.
It's something I've been working on a lot with Sarah. I certainly don't like the feeling, but neither do May or, when she's around, Sasha like seeing that happen.