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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-07-21 21:20:08 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-3.md
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@ -26,5 +26,57 @@ For posterity (and an admittedly uneasy sense that I ought to attach just about
>
> Neither my client nor I know where it is that he will wind up. That is still a decision that is underway. But ever since having that session with him and making the connection between what I had gone through in the past with discernment and the idea of slower decision-making processes, I have made a conscious effort to keep this in mind when working with all of my clients who are struggling with big changes in their lives.
The discussion afterwards was fine. We talked a little bit about other long-term decisions that therapists had run into --- things like divorce, changing careers, and so on --- as well as some other personal stories. It only lasted a little bit, but since it was time taken out of our normal shared lunch break, no one was eager to stick around, least of all myself.
Again, corporate nonsense.
I shared a bit of this with Kay and she sent me an eye-roll emoji, followed by, "It's bullshit like this that has me glad I'm still in academia. Not that libraries are immune or anything, but they're strange in that you're either a page or assistant like me or you had at least a masters degree."
"I have a masters," I replied.
"Well, fair enough. Still, I think libraries have this ivory tower nonsense going on in ways that places like you work don't. Reference librarians stick to their subjects, book binders stay in the bindery, book purchasers buy books, assistive tech people deal with assistive tech, etc etc. There's no real effort to bUiLd a TeAm in the same way as it sounds like is happening with you and every other office drone I know."
"I'd shake my fist at you for calling me an office drone, but you're not wrong."
"I bet you dress in business casual."
I laughed and typed back, "Of course I do! Have to look professional after all."
"Do you call it "biz cas"?" came the immediate reply. "If you do, I will block you immediately."
"I do not, thank goodness. I call it a button up shirt and slacks like a normal person."
"You are absolutely in no way a normal person." She followed this up with, "What did you wind up talking about anyway?"
I sent her the essay and then waited for her to read, feeling anxious, as I always seem to when sharing anything related to religion with Kay. She's never been anything but kind-but-disinterested when the topic has come up before.
Finally: "I mean, it sounds like a fluff presentation."
"It was hardly an academic conference."
"Yeah, but it's not really -about- anything, I guess."
"I guess, yeah. Just a loose compilation of thoughts. I wanted to be the first so I don't have to worry about any presentations for a while."
"Hahaha! So cynical, Dee! Never knew you had it in you." She followed that up with, "Especially given this apparently pretty earnest speech."
"It was earnest! I am cynical! I contain multitudes."
"Now I'm just picturing you as a priest."
"Black cassock and Roman collar? Or all the vestments for mass?"
"Oh, the black one. Total hot priest vibes. You just have to wear that and call everyone "my child" or whatever and the girls will be all over you."
Gears crunched to a halt in my mind. I must have sat there, staring at that message, for several minutes, trying to parse out just how much of it might have been serious.
"Sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive," she added.
"No no," I sent, then rubbed my hands over my snout before adding, "Just never really thought about "hot priest" being a thing."
"You're just not on the right parts of the internet."
The conversation wound down from there, so now I'm writing up my journal and turning Kay's words over and over in my head. They fit strangely into my image of myself. 'Hot priest'? 'Girls all over me'? There isn't a universe in which either of these things is true. I am no judge of how attractive I am and have never bothered to ask, but the idea of a priest being sexy makes my head ache. They are two completely separate concepts in my mind, a Venn diagram with no overlap.
And having 'girls all over me' just sounds unpleasant no matter how I take it. If I can't deal with more than three or four people in a room at a time, how would I deal with that in some situation that might suggest intimacy? And in the more idiomatic sense, well, I can't even deal with attraction towards one girl.
(talking with Kay)