From b899aea48142a442a3f225347457b26762887806 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Tue, 15 Nov 2022 22:47:16 -0800 Subject: [PATCH] update from sparkleup --- writing/post-self/selected-letters/010.md | 10 +++++----- writing/post-self/selected-letters/011.md | 14 ++++++++------ writing/post-self/selected-letters/012.md | 6 +++--- 3 files changed, 16 insertions(+), 14 deletions(-) diff --git a/writing/post-self/selected-letters/010.md b/writing/post-self/selected-letters/010.md index 35385ab0..9144435d 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/selected-letters/010.md +++ b/writing/post-self/selected-letters/010.md @@ -7,7 +7,7 @@ Ioan, I hope this letter finds you well. I have a question for you. -I'd like to start with an apology, though, for coming off as so emotional in the last one. As mentioned, I've been struggling with my keeping my emotions in check here on Artemis. While I'm far from the only fifthracer to be so afflicted, it doesn't seem to be a pattern many are worried about. Probably 1-2% of us are affected, and not in such a way as to be debilitating. I know the Odists struggle with the occasional bout of depression, and this is certainly no more dramatic than that. +I'd like to start with an apology, though, for coming off as so emotional in the last letter. As mentioned, I've been struggling with my keeping my emotions in check here on Artemis. While I'm far from the only fifthracer to be so afflicted, it doesn't seem to be a pattern many are worried about. Probably 1-2% of us are affected, and not in such a way as to be debilitating. I know the Odists struggle with the occasional bout of depression, and this is certainly no more dramatic than that. The drama of such emotions aside, I also don't think that they are wholly disconnected from reality. Codrin *does* feel all of those things, and they *do* make me uncomfortable. However, my reaction to them is something I've been working on with Sarah. @@ -21,7 +21,7 @@ So now that we're settling into our own quotidian lives aboard Artemis, we're ex Is that what I'm missing? -Am I missing the eating-sleeping-talking-arguing-sex that goes along with having a relationship? Is that something I should be seeking out? I don't know. I've never really entered a relationship of my own volition, not entirely. Yes, deciding to date or whatever is a collaborative effort, but the Odists will ever be themselves, and even though its focus was never on the sorts of things that May Then My Name focused on, even it admitted that it, what was it...it "conducted a relentless campaign to wear down some of the emotional barriers that I'd put up." █████ disagreed with the phrasing, saying that Dear couldn't turn down a good quip to save its life. *"Slander,"* it called it.[^bet] +Am I missing the eating-sleeping-talking-arguing-sex that goes along with having a relationship? Is that something I should be seeking out? I don't know. I've never really entered a relationship of my own volition, not entirely. Yes, deciding to date or whatever is a collaborative effort, but the Odists will ever be themselves, and even though its focus was never on the sorts of things that May Then My Name focused on, even Dear admitted that it, what was it...it "conducted a relentless campaign to wear down some of the emotional barriers that I'd put up." █████ disagreed with the phrasing, saying that Dear couldn't turn down a good quip to save its life. *"Slander,"* it called it.[^bet] I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on what you've told me of May Then My Name's own manipulation. @@ -33,9 +33,9 @@ But is that something I want? Were a relationship to fall in my lap, would I go More importantly, *should* I go along with it? Am I now so lonely that I need to seek out a relationship in order to feel whole again, or is that just me missing my exes? -Maybe it's worth a try. Nothing need be permanent --- both of our partners made sure that was we understood that. I can try, and if it doesn't work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.[^quit] +Maybe it's worth a try. Nothing need be permanent --- both of our partners made sure that we understood that. I can try, and if it doesn't work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.[^quit] -I've written fourteen question marks so far and not yet gotten to the question I wanted to ask. Should I seek out a new relationship *before* I reengage with my exes? I want to know if I should in general, of course, but in particular, I want to know your thoughts on trying to actively process these thoughts on what relationships mean to me before I go about processing what breakups mean. +I've written twelve question marks so far and not yet gotten to the question I wanted to ask. Should I seek out a new relationship *before* I reengage with my exes? I want to know if I should in general, of course, but in particular, I want to know your thoughts on trying to actively process these thoughts on what relationships mean to me before I go about processing what breakups mean. I don't know, I'm feeling my emotions get in the way of my words again. I really don't mean to dump on you like this, but, as I said, your grounded, anchoring nature makes you an obvious source of comfort. Thank you for listening to me. @@ -47,6 +47,6 @@ Sorina Bălan [^bet]: They bet on my reaction; did I ever tell you that? They planned out this whole conversation with me, with █████ on point while Dear acted as backup. Though they may accuse us of being nerds, they're hardly innocent in this. -[^orsex]: Or sex, for that matter --- it was plenty good, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it +[^orsex]: Or sex, for that matter --- it was plenty nice, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it [^quit]: This has been greatly complicated by my inability to fork. Codrin and I rushed individuation so quickly and so effectively that, in a world where I cannot create a copy of myself that will live on, quitting becomes suicide in a very real way. I am the only Sorina, and to die would be to end anything resembling Sorina in the entire universe. That hasn't been an issue for us since the 2230s! I know that you've been thinking about Rareș more of late, but even our death to him was not permanent. We disappeared, yes, other than those few notes back, but we were not dead. Death has taken on a new flavor for us, and now I'm remembering the bitter tang of it from before we uploaded. I will need to put more thought into it. diff --git a/writing/post-self/selected-letters/011.md b/writing/post-self/selected-letters/011.md index cbd836f5..8e741b63 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/selected-letters/011.md +++ b/writing/post-self/selected-letters/011.md @@ -9,7 +9,7 @@ Sasha told me something shortly after she became Sasha: > Our lives are informed by fear, Ioan. I am afraid. *We* are afraid. We lived through a moment of such terror that whoever we were before is someone completely different. I...that is, that of True Name faces this fear through control, and thus so do my up-tree instances, in one way or another. Praiseworthy saw that fear and tried to reshape herself, to find a way to more perfectly move with the crowd so that it might slip past her, and now your cocladist's partner shapes itself so easily that it has literally made it into an art. We lost our friend, and then we truly lost them, and now we live what lives we may afraid but coping. -There is fear within us all. There can't *but* be fear within us, and we have all of our own fears, don't we? The loss of our family, the separation from Rareș, these things shape us into who we are, and how we interact with those that we love. +There is fear within us all. There can't *but* be fear within us, and we have all of our own fears particular to us, don't we? The loss of our family, the separation from Rareș, these things shape us into who we are, and how we interact with those that we love. Despite our experience with separation, though, you're going through something truly unique for us. Of the three/four of us, none of us had ever been in a romantic relationship before our experiences with Dear, and so now we're experiencing something new. Having never been in a relationship, we've perforce never experienced breaking up. @@ -21,21 +21,19 @@ What you're going through is *real*. It's real pain, real emotion, and it's real I talked with May about this briefly, and, as I expected it would, the conversation turned into her gently probing my feelings on the matter and where they came from. The bit that hit hardest (and left me a bit of a wreck) was when she asked if this was anything like being separated from Rareș. -Is that the basis of this fear? Is the fact that we specifically left him behind with Aunt Rahela in full knowledge that we'd most assuredly never see him ever again the reason we feel the way we do about the ones we love now? I don't know. I never looked him up. Not before we forked, and not since. I don't know where he is, don't know if he uploaded or died back on Earth, and I'm too afraid of that knowledge to even try. +Is that the basis of this fear? Is the fact that we specifically left him behind with Aunt Rahela in full knowledge that we'd almost certainly never see him ever again the reason we feel the way we do about the ones we love now? I don't know. I never looked him up. Not before we forked, and not since. I don't know where he is, don't know if he uploaded or died back on Earth, and I'm too afraid of that knowledge to even try. What I do know is that, even if this is testing those limits once again, we're older --- *much* older --- now and we're in a place where we have those around us who we can lean on. When I uploaded, I was just a stupid twenty year old with nothing to show for his life[^pronouns] except a desperate need to at least do one thing right. There was no one here I knew. The only thing I could do was write a note or two back to phys-side and then just bury myself in school and books to try and move on. Now, though, you have Dear. You have Serene. You have countless friends, all of whom can be there for you, and even though any reply is two months away, I'm here for you too, as are May and Sasha and, I guess, sometimes Aurel. -Sending all our love to you and yours. - As a final note, True Name#Castor sent a short letter directly to Aurel on learning of em and the reasons for eir existence. Since Sasha went on sabbatical again, Aurel merged down after a week out on eir own just writing and experiencing solitude, and so now I have this note as well. There were no instructions on whether or not I should pass it on or share it, and I probably wouldn't even think to pass it on if it weren't for the ways in which the Ode clade is changing across all three Systems. I'm surprised at how quickly all of this change is happening after so long of relative stasis, but I guess that's what happens when you get aliens and an assassination attempt. Some of the letter contained some eyes-only stuff for each of us which I've trimmed, but here is the rest: > Sasha, > -> Despite the tone of my previous note, I am not unhappy for you. The ways in which you and I have changed and been changed by the events around us perhaps gives me room to understand a little better, though to move beyond the Ode as completely as you have takes more courage than I possess. +> Despite the tone of my previous note, I am not unhappy for you. The ways in which you and I have changed and have been changed by the events around us perhaps gives me room to understand a little better, though to move beyond the Ode as completely as you have takes more courage than I possess. > > I think that the direction in which your writing is going is the correct one, and I will begin preparing Castor and Convergence for such. I take well your meaning: the name that can be named is not the eternal name. > @@ -45,8 +43,12 @@ Some of the letter contained some eyes-only stuff for each of us which I've trim > > True Name#Castor -Perhaps most interestingly, the note specifically contained a visibility exemption for True Name#Pollux, despite being eyes-only for Aurel and Sasha. May was quick to point out that, as far as we know, it wasn't sent to Pollux at all. Surely the two True Names aboard the LVs are in communication with each other and they've been sharing their own notes back and forth. This exemption, then, becomes a part of the text. I suppose I have to amend my previous statement as Aurel regarding the level of coordination between the two instances. There is something going on here, some difference between the two LVs that True Name#Castor is hinting at. +Perhaps most interestingly, the note specifically contained a visibility exemption for True Name#Pollux,[^maintained] despite being eyes-only for Aurel and Sasha. May was quick to point out that, as far as we know, it wasn't sent to Pollux at all. Surely the two True Names aboard the LVs are in communication with each other and they've been sharing their own notes back and forth. This exemption, then, becomes a part of the text. I suppose I have to amend my previous statement as Aurel regarding the level of coordination between the two instances. There is something going on here, some difference between the two LVs that True Name#Castor is hinting at. + +Sending all our love to you and yours. Ioan [^pronouns]: Remember when we used those pronouns? So much has changed... + +[^maintained]: Which I've maintained for this letter. diff --git a/writing/post-self/selected-letters/012.md b/writing/post-self/selected-letters/012.md index 027c75ad..c07ef96c 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/selected-letters/012.md +++ b/writing/post-self/selected-letters/012.md @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ > systime 227 (2351) > (transmission delay) -[Ioan](Ioan) (and, I guess, Aurel), +Ioan (and, I guess, Aurel), I sent my last letter before receiving Aurel's. I will not apologize for apparently predicting that I would receive such when I spoke of seeking out someone to fill that role in my life. My congratulations to them, I suppose. To you? Aurel doesn't seem so long-lived as either Codrin or I. @@ -11,7 +11,7 @@ Is that what one does in this situation? Congratulate? Either way, I wish them t It's also spurred a line of thinking within me that I'm still trying to tease apart, and I'm hoping that writing you will help in that. Doubtless you'll have some insights, sure, but also just the act of writing --- to someone I trust, no less --- should be helpful on its own. -Let me begin by saying that I appreciate the way that the clade has provided me options for opting into dealing with topics regarding the Odists. It was initially quite helpful, but as I work through my thoughts on the matter, intentionally engaging with them as a topic has proven quite helpful. So long as that content is clearly delineated, I see no reason to hide it behind eyes-only segments. If I'm up for reading it, I'll read it. If not, I won't. Thank you for all of your thoughtfulness over the last few years. +Let me begin by saying that I appreciate the way that the clade has provided me options for opting into dealing with topics regarding the Odists. It was initially quite helpful, but as I work through my thoughts on the matter, intentionally engaging with them as a topic has become my new goal. So long as that content is clearly delineated, I see no reason to hide it behind eyes-only segments. If I'm up for reading it, I'll read it. If not, I won't. Thank you for all of your thoughtfulness over the last few years. So, why the Odists? What is it about them that leads to us working so well together? We're hardly the same. We're hardly an exact match. We are two puzzle pieces in the broader whole of the world. Not *matching* puzzle pieces, but close. We don't fit together perfectly.[^imperfect] @@ -29,7 +29,7 @@ Twice is a curiosity, three times is a pattern, as we saw with Codrin#Pollux and Yes, there's a third of Sasha who is already someone you love, but whether or not you realized that you were doing so, you also spoke quite fondly of True Name over the last year that she was solely herself. You had your hesitancies, of course. You equivocated about whether or not you were friends, on what your role actually was in interacting with her, sitting between her and your partner. We've all expressed our frustration (or even anger) with her over her role in both our lives and the System as a whole, you included. -But as you mentioned in letters during that year, you were also called out on this by both Sarah and May Then My Name more than once. Hell, *that* you were equivocating speaks to the fact that you were even thinking about it in the first place. It wasn't some foregone conclusion that you were just, as you put it once, "cordial and intentional acquaintances". You recognized that friction. +But as you mentioned in letters during that year, you were also called out on this by both Sarah and May Then My Name more than once. Hell, *that* you were equivocating speaks to the fact that you were even thinking about it in the first place. It wasn't some foregone conclusion that you were just, as you put it once, "cordial and intentional acquaintances". You recognized that friction: it was an artifact of inexact language rather than emotions. Don't even get me started about how you talked about E.W.! Yes, I wish I'd had the chance to meet him, too, but for a while, nearly every letter you sent included some story followed by that exact sentiment.