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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-06-01 23:35:05 -07:00
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writing/post-self/mitzvot/033.md
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@ -32,6 +32,8 @@ On the other, so had eirs. The nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, e
And ey was genuinely pleased to see her happy, or at least on her way to happiness. And ey was genuinely pleased to see her happy, or at least on her way to happiness.
((they have been seeing Sarah again))
It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts; ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces. It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts; ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces.
The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey stayed away, opting instead for a night in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the *History*, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for. The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey stayed away, opting instead for a night in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the *History*, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for.
@ -218,6 +220,78 @@ She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur i
"Mm. Do enjoy yourself, my dear." "Mm. Do enjoy yourself, my dear."
Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea, True Name either dozed or got lost in thought.
It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until they'd started feeling well enough to get out.
There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merger, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and May.
And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. The nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches.
But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant.
*You can just fucking ask, too, you know.*
"Hey, True Name?"
"Mm?"
"Have things been awkward since the merge?"
She levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her paws over her face, looking like she had indeed dozed off. "Awkward how?"
"Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand." Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag, as well, adding, "Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking."
"Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least," she said, grinning. "I have no idea, my dear. I am...I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my memories of you from True Name over the last few years feels more real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?"
Ey blinked. "Of course."
"May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. Too long of the whole clade accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins, perhaps." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core, perhaps, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds."
"In terms of conflicts?"
She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of remaining conflicts. I feel tripled. I feel like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May. I lack the language to describe it, perhaps. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. The reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says."
"I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds...I don't even know. Impossible."
"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what May --- or even I --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. Difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, dear."
Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks.
"Yes, see?" She laughed. "Look at you. It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them."
"Well put, yeah," ey said, smiling cautiously.
"Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward, but then at least we will know and quit fucking around, yes?"
Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle of eir own. "Uh...well, sure."
For all the confidence in her words, the skunk looked just as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.
One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag, though. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed briefly, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.
"Jesus...you would think that I would know how this works," she mumbled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized.
"Here, just-- Oh." Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. "I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant."
"No," came her muffled voice. "But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed."
Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. "Sorry, True Name."
After a moment's hesitation, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. "This is stupid, Ioan," she grumbled. "This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected. Pet my ears, please."
"What? Oh." Ey shook eir head and brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very nearly the same, and were it not for the difference in clothes and the benefit of two and half decades of time together, ey could probably have confused one for the other. "Uh...yeah. Stupid, awkward, and confusing is about the long and short of it. Too awkward?"
"The closer I get, the more May I feel, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched, and by none other than you," she mumbled against the beanbag. "But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?"
"Almost exactly and not at all," ey admitted.
The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. "That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds, I imagine."
"I think I understand what you mean a little better."
She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad."
----- -----
"Do you want to get out and visit them at some point?" ey asked. "Do you want to get out and visit them at some point?" ey asked.