update from sparkleup

writing/post-self/mitzvot/033.md

@@ -12,7 +12,7 @@ It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, b
 
 It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into.
 
-Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way: three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. Alarge part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. 
+Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way: three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. A large part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. 
 
 The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately.
 
@@ -24,7 +24,7 @@ May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her sett
 
 It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed --- or perhaps reminded --- her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork.
 
-Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded the bed by a half meter to at least make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
+Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their bed by a half meter to at least make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
 
 Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that.
 
@@ -38,21 +38,21 @@ Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart
 
 Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness.
 
-Ey needed boredom and ey needed out.
+Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out.
 
 It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts; ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces.
 
 The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey stayed away, opting instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the *History*, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for.
 
-Beyond that, though, it was just the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre.
+Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre.
 
 That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun.
 
-This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in on notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass.
+This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass.
 
 Ey liked it immensely.
 
-The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building --- one wall for each race and one for their shared knowledge --- that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts were still underway, but there was more to read every day.
+The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building --- one wall for each Artemisian race and one for their shared knowledge --- that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts were still underway, but there was more to read every day.
 
 Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring.
 
@@ -80,7 +80,7 @@ Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard --- this one full of actual greenery,
 
 "Of course, no one better."
 
-"Flatterer," she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled, though. "Are you in a place where you can speak freely?"
+"Flatterer," she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled. "Are you in a place where you can speak freely?"
 
 "I...well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that."
 
@@ -164,9 +164,9 @@ Ey nodded. "Same. You going to let me in, May?"
 
 "Absolutely not," she said. "You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home."
 
-Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. "Skunks are such brats."
+Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. "Such a brat."
 
-She laughed and shoved herself away from em. "Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion."
+She giggled and shoved herself away from em. "Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion."
 
 Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up --- the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it --- finally ending with, "It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?"
 
@@ -200,7 +200,7 @@ May looked to Ioan, who said, "I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of her
 
 Ey shrugged. "I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house."
 
-"Pushing me out the door, now?" She smirked.
+She smirked. "Pushing me out the door, now?"
 
 "No, of course not," ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. "Just making sure you get what you need, too."
 
@@ -260,7 +260,7 @@ She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her eyes.
 
 Ey knit eir brow and nodded. "Of course."
 
-"Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins, perhaps." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core --- there must be --- as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds."
+"Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core --- there must be --- as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds."
 
 "In terms of conflicts?"
 
@@ -268,7 +268,7 @@ She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts
 
 "I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds...I don't even know. Impossible."
 
-"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what I --- or even May --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, dear."
+"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what I --- or even May --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, Ioan."
 
 Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks.
 
@@ -306,7 +306,7 @@ The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from
 
 She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad."
 
-They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey'd read up on plurality when she'd first mentioned it, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to incorporating plurality into one's life would prove useful to her, but the addition of the parallel nature of their existences apart, the lives they'd led concurrently, added a layer of complication.<!--this feels like an apology - better, but still...-->
+They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey'd read up on plurality when she'd first mentioned it, and this felt similar in many ways, yet still inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to incorporating plurality into one's life would prove useful to her, but the addition of the parallel nature of their existences apart, the singular lives they'd led concurrently, added a layer of complication.<!--this feels like an apology - better, but still...-->
 
 Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complicated in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.
 
@@ -336,13 +336,13 @@ Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it
 
 "Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?"
 
-There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people."
+There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. That me feels crowded and hemmed in. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people. That me is struggling with loneliness."
 
 "And the True Name third?"
 
 She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade."
 
-Unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, ey hesitated, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else.
+Ey hesitated, unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else.
 
 "But come, that is enough of that," she said decisively. "Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month."
 
@@ -364,7 +364,7 @@ She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws
 
 Ey frowned. "It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--"
 
-"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. "I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it onlythrough trial and error."
+"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. "I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it only through trial and error."
 
 Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. "Take the space you need."
 
@@ -394,7 +394,7 @@ True Name sighed. "Thank you, I do believe you, it is just...a heap of complex f
 
 Ioan nodded. "It felt a bit incongruous because it's a hundred percent something you would've done, May, but not the same context."
 
-"And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more...well, 'concerned' is not quite the right word, but attentive to the emotional side than you two just physically touching," May said, shrugging. "Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that."
+"And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more...well, 'concerned' is not quite the right word, but focused on the emotional side than you two just physically touching," May said, shrugging. "Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that."
 
 "Well, thank you," True Name said, rubbing at her eyes, though whether out of exhaustion or to forestall tears, ey couldn't tell. "The other thing we discussed, though, was setting a deadline of one month to get this shit with Jonas out of the way."
 
@@ -426,7 +426,7 @@ True Name nodded groggily and stood, swaying for a moment before gaining her bal
 
 She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. "If you are willing, yes. I am also happy to sleep out on the plain. Either would be good for me."
 
-May shrugged. "That is why I asked, yes."
+"That is why I asked, yes."
 
 When May looked to em, ey sighed. "Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things."
 
@@ -434,7 +434,7 @@ True Name's face fell, but she bowed. "Of course, dear."
 
 Ey reached out and gave her paw a squeeze. "Thanks, True Name. Tomorrow."
 
-She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way to her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass.
+She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way through her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass.
 
 Ioan and May made their way to their own bed and once they were settled in, May asked, "I do not want to push, my dear, but I would like to hear your thoughts if you need to think on things."
 
@@ -454,7 +454,7 @@ Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. "
 
 "Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious," May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. "She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well."
 
-Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had ey internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed True Name's spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name *qua* True Name, rather than as ey might to May --- even if that version of her was, as she had said, dead.
+Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had ey internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed her spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name *qua* True Name, rather than as ey might to May --- even if that original version of her was, as she had said, dead.
 
 The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her.
 
@@ -464,13 +464,13 @@ The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences
 
 "A context shift between me and True Name."
 
-"Fuck." Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. "Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence."
+"Oh, damn." Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. "Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence."
 
 She frowned, nodded. "I will not ask you to betray that, of course."
 
 "Maybe I'm more stressed than I'm giving myself credit for, if my mumbling's getting bad enough to break someone's confidence."
 
-The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to dot her nose against eirs. "I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days."
+The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to touch her nose to eirs. "I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days."
 
 Ey pressed eir nose to hers before leaning back and nodding. "Right, and I feel like it's all super important all the time. Oh well. What were you going to say? If I can respond, I will."