From e0a6ce49115d16827d884b52b7cdf3e6fad55612 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Tue, 21 Sep 2021 23:15:05 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] update from sparkleup --- writing/post-self/toledot/index.md | 4 +- .../toledot/secession/sys/Michelle/004.md | 70 ++++++++++++++++++- 2 files changed, 71 insertions(+), 3 deletions(-) diff --git a/writing/post-self/toledot/index.md b/writing/post-self/toledot/index.md index 6e8368fa..b9f0d284 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/toledot/index.md +++ b/writing/post-self/toledot/index.md @@ -102,12 +102,12 @@ Nearing the 200th anniversary of System secession from humanity, the System and * [o] [Launch: sys-side: Ioan](launch/sys/Ioan/010) - Ioan, getting really pissed at how Odists won't just answer eir fucking questions all the way and keep demurring at the last minute, interviews Jonas Prime, who has grown pessimistic, life wants to spread and multiply to make itself stronger, this is the root of the launch: offsite backups; thus why dreamer module was frowned upon: has broadcast w/ information about system, earth, interfacing, etc - 3375 * [o] [Launch: launch-side: Codrin#Pollux](launch/launch/Codrin-pollux/007) - Interviews Ne Jonas, humanity best viewed as a resource to be used or a crop to be tended by System - 2752 * [o] [Launch: launch-side: Codrin#Castor](launch/launch/Codrin-castor/007) - Interviews True Name for second time w/ more info, confronts for truth about the Odists' role in post-secession, confirms, laughs down concerns. - 1717 -* [.] Part IV - Arrival (all stories reach present, all discuss irreversibility) +* [o] Part IV - Arrival (all stories reach present, all discuss irreversibility) * [o] [Secession: phys-side: Yared](secession/phys/Yared/010) - Vote passes with both secession and L5 amendments intact, those who know him are torn on whether he's a hero or villain; zero compensation/recognition from Demma, who derides the system, why don't you marry it if you love it so much. (secession = irreversibility) - 2192 * [o] [Launch: launch-side: Codrin#Castor](launch/launch/Codrin-castor/008) - Interviews True Name for the last time, learning that True Name/her stanza and Jonas orchestrated the launch from the before the supposed beginning over long years of influence (incl nudging Douglas as soon as he got first job as ansible tech and Michelle nudging her toward the idea of divesting), have been in contact across sys/launch to ensure divergence remains at acceptable levels (irreversible), comes home to Dear, sighs, gets hugs, comfort that the ends aren't bad, even if the means are. - 2183 * [o] [Secession: sys-side: True Name](secession/sys/True-Name/008) - Council meets, celebrates; after, meets with Jonas to discuss ways to ensure stability going forward (growth = irreversibility) - 1466 Expand? * [o] [Launch: sys-side: Ioan](launch/sys/Ioan/011) - Ioan interviews True Name and Jonas together, finds out they're still everywhere, steering system, difference between conservatives/liberals is scale of manipulation, liberals think too small (see quote below) - 1975 - * [ ] [Secession: sys-side: Michelle](secession/sys/Michelle/004) - Acknowledges a few years after dissolution of Council that the clade has gotten out of hand, hints that she basically died when forking, irreversible, muses on how broken she must have been to lead to this situation, goes largely into seclusion to keep herself calm/stable, talking only to May Then My Name and a few others + * [o] [Secession: sys-side: Michelle](secession/sys/Michelle/004) - Acknowledges a few years after dissolution of Council that the clade has gotten out of hand, hints that she basically died when forking, irreversible, muses on how broken she must have been to lead to this situation, goes largely into seclusion to keep herself calm/stable, talking only to May Then My Name and a few others - 1599 * [ ] [Launch: sys-side: Ioan](launch/sys/Ioan/012) - Discusses role of each stanza; kind of freaks out at May b/c like finding out your in-laws-ish are the illuminati, though ey comes around because a) she explains need for control as trauma response, and b) tells myth in progress, about how the gods created the world in an attempt to shape it to their will, but instead became impersonal forces in the face of absolute independence; Ioan and May finally fucking get together, discuss irreversibility of that act, since Ioan didn't fork like Codrin * [ ] [Launch: launch-side: Codrin#Pollux](launch/launch/Codrin-pollux/008) - Interviews Dear about just how much influence the Ode clade had/still has, what's next (death = irreversible, basically a do-over of the first interview) * [-] REJECTED - combined with previous Ioan chapter diff --git a/writing/post-self/toledot/secession/sys/Michelle/004.md b/writing/post-self/toledot/secession/sys/Michelle/004.md index 29e26b61..c9c3dd7a 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/toledot/secession/sys/Michelle/004.md +++ b/writing/post-self/toledot/secession/sys/Michelle/004.md @@ -28,4 +28,72 @@ Michelle/Sasha sighed, shrugged, and hugged her knees to her chest, resting her The skunk beside To Pray, If I Am To Bathe In Dreams, shrugged. "You may have fucked up, yes, but there is no going back. What was the phrase? There is no going and there is no back? The Council is dissolved and nothing really changed. Jonas is doing Jonas things. Odists are doing Odist things, whatever those are. This is where you are. I mean this as an earnest question, but would you be able to choose between Michelle and Sasha?" -"No, I don't think I could," she sighed. She just wished she could be Sasha for a little bit, just so that she could get the comfort of being petted by Hammered Silver/she just wished she could be Michelle for a little bit so that May Then My Name could brush her hair +"No, I don't think I could," she sighed. She just wished she could be Sasha for a little bit, just so that she could get the comfort of being petted by Memory Is A Mirror Of Hammered Silver/she just wished she could be Michelle for a little bit so that May Then My Name Die With Me could brush her hair. "And I think that is part of the problem, anyway. I think that if I were to fork, I would be whatever I was when I did so, and I think that goes beyond just species." + +To Pray grinned, "I suppose so. You could have wound up like True Name or Life Breeds Life and taken over the world." + +May Then My name smiled shakily. "Taking over the world is not so bad." + +"It definitely fucking is," In Dreams said. "But I stand by what I said. You did what you did and that is an immutable fact. You cannot un-fork, Michelle. You cannot become what you were then, you can only become what you will be." + +"I do not think that you fucked up, dear." Hammered silver plucked a dandelion and spun it between her fingers. "You may *be* fucked up, if you somehow contained what it takes to be May Then My Name as well as True Name within you, but even that is not your fault." + +"The fuck-up, then would be the fact that I did not acknowledge that." + +In Dreams plucked a dandelion and threw it at her, grinning. "Do not mope. It does not look good on you." + +Sasha/Michelle laughed, shrugged, and tried to tuck the flower behind her ear, but as soon as a shift of form rolled across her face, it fell to the ground. + +She wished that she could be just one thing for a little while, but seeing the outcome of a scattered mind creating copy after copy of herself, she knew that there was no solution that did not run the risk of becoming what she did not want to be. + +She wished that she could be just one thing so that she could be touched. The shifting form made any touch unnerving and made her feel disgusting. She wished that for herself, and for May Then My Name, who looked as though she was using every ounce of willpower she had to keep from going in for a hug. + +*Being like her would not be so bad,* Michelle/Sasha thought. *But even then, that is not all of me.* + +They sat in silence for a while, then, this five-pack of her, and, regardless of what they thought about, she thought about empathy and mirrors of hammered silver and the end of memories, there, beneath the roots. + +*I think I died, back then,* Sasha thought/"I think I died back then," Michelle said. + +To Pray frowned. "What do you mean?" + +"I think I just gave everything I had to them. To you, I guess. 'Two weeks,' I remember thinking. 'The first lines can take my place for two weeks, and then I will be back on the council, and they can do their own thing.' But I think that I died. There was no returning to the council, because there was no more Sasha or Michelle." She nodded to In Dreams. "There is no going, and there is no back." + +"And what is the fallout of being a dead woman walking?" + +"I do not know. I think that it means that I have stopped. I do not know if there is a path forward for me that involves me being anything other than what I am now. I died because with that act I cannot move on from where I am." + +Hammered Silver averted her eyes. "I am not comfortable with that language." + +Michelle/Sasha shrugged helplessly. "I am sorry. Like I said, I am having a bad day." + +"Sasha," May Then My Name said. "Why did you call us here? I do not think it is because you feel like you fucked up or like you died. Why are we here?" + +"I guess I just wanted to see that at least some of the clade were good people. I know Hammered Silver is. She comes by at least once a day. I know you two are--" She nodded at To Pray and In Dreams. "--because you have kept me up to date on the others. And I do not think May could swat a fly without feeling bad about it." + +The skunk stuck her tongue out, but did not disagree. + +"Reassurance," Hammered Silver muttered. "Validation, maybe? Proof that you are not just the things that you hate about yourself?" + +Sasha/Michelle nodded. + +"Where do you think they came from, then? Where did we come from?" + +Michelle/Sasha laughed. "I have no idea. Maybe True Name is that bit of myself that always fears that asking for what I want is manipulation. Maybe you are the part of me that always wanted to be a mother. I really do not know." + +"It is okay to have fears," Hammered Silver said gently. "Like, it is legal. You will not get arrested for being afraid." + +They all grinned. + +"But," she continued. "Do not always dwell in them. Resent True Name and Life Breeds Life for a little while, then go back to remembering that you always wanted to be a mom and that you still love acting even after you became a director and that you really, really fucking like dandelions." + +"Seriously," In Dreams said. "To an almost unhealthy level. This is an intervention, Michelle. You need to chill with the dandelions." + +As the cloud of rumination began to lift, and as she laughed, she began to settle down into Michelle. Just Michelle. Just herself. "They cannot be that bad. They just got stuck in my head, and now I cannot get them out." + +"Snorting pollen off the back of your hand," To Pray said, picking up on the mood. "I am honestly ashamed of you. + +"My name is May Then My Name Die With me," the skunk said, clambering to her feet. "And I am a dandelion-aholic." + +"Hi, May Then My Name," the others sing-songed. + +And then she was Michelle. At least for a little while, she was just Michelle, and May Then My Name could brush her hair and they could talk about something --- literally anything --- else, and she could allow the thought that perhaps even the dead can be happy.