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writing/post-self/mitzvot/020.md

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+While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully --- or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be --- and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. *I am not comfortable talking about that, now* became her constant refrain.
+
+While neither Ioan nor May were necessarily happy for this change, the fact that it meant that they *had* to stop talking about all these dire topics. It forced them to take a step back, as well, and at least try to get some work done. Given all that had happened, no one was comfortable with them continuing to perform, least of all A Finger Pointing, so they were removed from the bill for the time being, with either their roles replaced or their shows canceled.
+
+There was still work to be done, of course. May still had her monologue, which she tried taking in a few different directions, some of which worked well and some less so. Ioan coached her in writing as best ey could, talking her down from perfectionism fits that left her threatening to tear the whole thing up.
+
+For eir part, ey still had a few projects on eir plate, not least of which was the upcoming book project that had been requested by Jonas. Ey poked at this every now and then, outlining the events to date and throwing a few thousand words at it here and there.
+
+Mostly, though, ey dealt in letters to and from the other members of eir clade. Vast, dramatic events were happening elsewhere --- as they always seemed to when an Odist was involved --- and ey couldn't simply put them away to deal with all that was going on at home. The break from dealing with the affairs of True Name and Jonas was a welcome on.
+
+The one conversation of note came on the fourth day after the merge, when the skunk asked, "How did you two get together?"
+
+Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her hands.
+
+"Other than the forces behind the scenes. I mean."
+
+"From my point of view," Ioan said, guessing at the meaning behind her question. "It just kind of happened over the course of a few years. May was her usual affectionate self, and we just wound up building patterns around that turned us from coworkers to friends to partners."
+
+"There was no culmination? No decision?"
+
+"Not really. I just realized one day that we were probably together and asked if we were."
+
+"It was the day ey interviewed you," May said, trying to hide a smile. "I told em it was the dumbest fucking question of the entire project. We agreed we had probably been in a relationship for months before that."
+
+True Name nodded, expression more thoughtful than amused. "Is that how you move in the world, May Then My Name?"
+
+The skunk hesitated, gaze drifting away from her cocladist. "Ask another question, my dear," she said eventually.
+
+"Of course." True Name gave a hint of a bow. "You changed in order to accommodate being in a relationship, Ioan. How?"
+
+"Are you asking what about me changed, or what I did to change?" ey asked, frowning. "Because I don't think I had any conscious control over it."
+
+"What you changed, yes. May Then My Name could answer the other question, perhaps uniquely so among all those who we know."
+
+The skunk only shrugged.
+
+"Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I'd watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of...I don't know. Transparent?" Ey shrugged. "I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied really heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn't until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as a full person, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That's where Codrin came from, I think"
+
+May chimed in. "Ey was the version of you who learned that most strongly, perhaps. You were left with the memories of it to work with, without the context of the experience."
+
+"Right. It was nice watching em grow closer to others and open up to a relationship."
+
+"'Nice'?"
+
+Ey shrugged. "I don't know how else to put it. I felt compersion for them, like the opposite of jealousy. I was happy for them, and it felt good to know that those things were possible."
+
+True Name nodded. "That is the word I would use to describe my feelings towards May Then My Name, if it is not too forward of me to say."
+
+Eir partner smiled and reached out across the dining table to pat at True Name's paw.
+
+"It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them, I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me." She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. "I can remember what it feels to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there."
+
+Ioan and May glanced at each other briefly, but both nodded.
+
+"It has not been a priority for you," May said. "If it has not been important, if it has felt like a distraction, then there is no reason to simply know how to do all of that. I do wish you the best, though."
+
+"Didn't you say you'd felt love for Zacharias, though?"
+
+True Name shrugged noncommittally. "I am not comfortable talking about that, now."
+
+Ey tried to keep eir expression from falling, but apparently did not succeed.
+
+"I am sorry, Ioan. Not everything is for sharing, not right now."
+
+"It's just the amanuensis in me." Ey tried to laugh it away. "Why'd you ask about this, anyway?"
+
+She smirked. "You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?"
+
+"Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his repentance would have caused more clashes."
+
+"It is," she replied slowly. "But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not--" She shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. "I need to go for a walk. Thank you both."
+
+And with that, she stepped from the sim.
+
+May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. "I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this."
+
+Ey echoed her movement, resting eir head on one of eir arms while the other petted over her ears a few times. "Me either. I don't know where that conversation came from, and...well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit."
+
+She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. "It is things like this --- the conversation and the thoughts that come with it --- that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her."
+
+"No killing skunks," ey mumbled, then stood and stretched. "Bit miffed she's out at the lake, since now I feel like walking, too."
+
+"If you were a normal person, we could enjoy perpetual springtime in the yard."
+
+Ey looked outside, at the scant inch of snow left after the last storm. "It's not that bad."
+
+"Still cold."
+
+"Mmhm, still cold. Still, it might be worth making a coffee and bringing it out there to keep the hands warm, if only so I can pace."
+
+"Go, my dear. Go and pace. I will teach myself how to do a handstand or something equally silly. Anything other than dwelling on more of this."
+
+"No more monologue?"
+
+"I am so sick of looking at it that I think I might scream if I even catch a glance."
+
+Ey laughed and leaned down to kiss the side of the skunk's muzzle. "Well, alright. Don't fall over onto the table or anything."
+
+