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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-07-22 16:20:05 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md
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@ -103,8 +103,7 @@ Epigraph: εκαρδίωσας ημάς ενί από οφθαλμών σου ε
* [o] A: [Email boogaloo](plan-1) --- Drafts email, sending a few before to build up the expectation of emails being a thing
* [ ] B: [Ask God](plan-2) --- Talks to god
10. [.] [Grand gesture](beats/10-grand-gesture)
* [.] A: The Conversation™ (winds up not actually sending the email ha ha whoops, just starts conversation over text)
* [.] [90](90)
* [.] [90](90) --- The Conversation™ (winds up not actually sending the email ha ha whoops, just starts conversation over text)
11. [ ] [Ends with "no"](beats/11-ends-with-no)
* [ ] A: Kay had picked up on it, decides pretty firmly on her end that she wants to keep friendship. Sigh, ah well (text, then call)
12. [ ] [Payoff](beats/12-payoff) (probably just one chapter of what-ifs)

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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/plan-1.md
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@ -34,7 +34,7 @@ I have slaved over these words so long that I think I nearly have the letter mem
But I am nothing if not deliberate, and this feels like the proper way to undertake a discernment, though I find that term most often used in a religious context. I am digging deep into all of my thoughts, stripping away the extraneous ones, and then boiling the remainder down into an admission. An admission to myself, but also one that I can send to Kay.
I will think on it and pray on it for one more night before sending it, but honestly, of all of the decisions that I've made around this entire debacle, if it can be called that, this one feels the most freeing. It feels like me opening a little bit of space for myself. It was all well and good for me to reduce my feelings to trying to be the best friend I could be for her[^bff], and one ought to keep in mind the selfless in one's life, but, well, one cannot be a truly good friend while withholding information. I cannot, at least. I can't be a good friend while continuing to tear myself up inside over this.
I will think on it and pray on it for one more night before sending it, but honestly, of all of the decisions that I've made around this entire debacle, if it can be called that, this one feels the most freeing. It feels like me opening a little bit of space for myself. It was all well and good for me to reduce my feelings to trying to be the best friend I could be for her[^bff], and one ought to keep in mind the selfless in one's life, but, well, one cannot be a truly good friend while withholding information. I cannot, at least. I can't be a good friend while continuing to tear myself up inside over this. I called myself a narcissist before in these pages, but, while perhaps some of my thoughts have been narcissist, that is far to strong a word than required for striving for happiness.
I will think, I will pray, and then I will click "send".