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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-06-02 15:55:05 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/21.md
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@ -14,7 +14,7 @@ The wolf cocked his head.
He laughed. "Okay, yeah, I can see that."
"So, they were nice about it, and we weighed our options," I continued. "One option was for me to switch from an MDiv degree to getting a masters in theology, which would be all that intellectual research and navel-gazing that I loved without the pastoral care I was simply not cut out for."
"So, they were nice about it, and we weighed our options," I continued. "One option was for me to switch from an MDiv degree to getting a degree in theology, which would be all that intellectual research and navel-gazing that I loved without the pastoral care I was simply not cut out for."
"But you didn't," he hazarded, gesturing at my degree on the wall. *Master of Social Work, Univerity of Idaho, Sawtooth.*
@ -34,7 +34,7 @@ He nodded for me to continue.
"And you chose married life?"
My mind flashed to Kay and I held back a wince. I laughed to hide my discomfort. "I chose helping others, which is why I'm here, but God's plan for me was to do so directly, one on one. It's easier for me to be genuine one on one with someone than it is for me to relate to a group. It's easier for me to have a conversation and work out problems together than it is for me to teach and preach. My advisor agreed, and said, *God needs saints more than he needs priests,* which stuck with me."
My mind flashed to Kay and I held back a wince. I laughed to hide my discomfort. "I chose helping others, which is why I'm here, but God's plan for me was to do so on an emotional level rather than a spiritual one, one on one rather than in a congregation. It's easier for me to be genuine one on one with someone than it is for me to relate to a group. It's easier for me to have a conversation and work out problems together than it is for me to teach and preach. My advisor agreed, and said, *God needs saints more than he needs priests,* which stuck with me."
He nodded, and I could sense a hint of impatience in the gesture. "I don't have God to lean on, though. I'm not sure I believe in any overarching plan for me to reach a goal or whatever."
@ -52,7 +52,7 @@ He brightened up. "Yeah. Yeah! I like that."
I like him. I like all of my patients, of course, but he's a good kid, and far smarter than I was at his age.
I was just so sure of myself, back then. I was positive that I wanted to get my BA, then my MDiv, then head back here to Sawtooth and start right away in the ministry. My parents were also incredibly pleased with this decision, if decision it was. It felt like a decision at the time, but now I'm not so sure.
I was just so sure of myself, back then. I was positive that I wanted to get my BA, learn Greek, then my MDiv, then head back here to Sawtooth and start right away in the ministry. My parents were also incredibly pleased with this decision, if decision it was. It felt like a decision at the time, but now I'm not so sure.
Did I decide to do something that felt so self-evident? Was it just the path of least resistance? I remember when I began to struggle, when I decided leave the program, that conversation with God. I remember admitting it to myself, the confession the next morning, the meeting with Father Borenson, my advisor.
@ -64,7 +64,7 @@ I know it's right for me to not be in ministry. I wouldn't make a good priest. I
But I don't know if my path here, to this point in my life, has what's required to be called a decision. I wound up in secular life, but I wasn't thinking what that would entail. All I was picturing is that I would not be Father Kimana.
Now, here in my thirties, all of the decisions seem so much bigger, even if their impacts are smaller. That's not to say that pursuing Kay would be a small thing. It has the potential to be huge. It just doesn't have the change-your-life-in-an-instant quality that leaving Saint John's did. It would be a process. Admitting feelings, dating, marriage, children...all decisions in and of themselves, all with the potential for failure, incomplete success, or mismatches in expectations.
Now, here almost in my thirties, all of the decisions seem so much bigger, even if their impacts are smaller. That's not to say that pursuing Kay would be a small thing. It has the potential to be huge. It just doesn't have the change-your-life-in-an-instant quality that leaving Saint John's did. It would be a process. Admitting feelings, dating, marriage, children...all decisions in and of themselves, all with the potential for failure, incomplete success, or mismatches in expectations.
I should go home and eat. I love my patients --- nerds, to the last --- and they always get me thinking, but lately, all this rumination...