update from sparkleup

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.md

@@ -64,7 +64,7 @@ I do very little on a whim. I plan and organize and I watch and wait until I fin
 
 There are days in which it feels like a dream: not in that I don't believe it, so much as the lack of engagement with the idea beforehand did not give my mind time to prepare and internalize the enormity of what I was doing, and so even these many years later, I catch myself beginning those internal dialogs, setting up argument after argument for why I should leave my chosen path for another, and then with an electric jolt, or the sensation of missing a stair on a staircase, or perhaps the rush of a near accident on the road, I realize that the thing I am trying to rationalize has already been completed: the battery contacts bridged, the step missed, the red light run. I have already left and there is no arguments to be made.
 
-And then, as with today, I struggle to try and justify this decision to myself. I have talked with Jeremy --- the skunk is an atheist, but well read in many religions --- and I have talked with my fellows in the church and I have talked with God. The church would welcome me back to pastoral life, I think, were I to want such a thing, I have not abandoned God. If anything, I have grown closer to Him since leaving the path to priesthood.
+And then, as with today, I struggle to try and justify this decision to myself. I have talked with Jeremy --- the skunk is an atheist, but well read in religions --- and I have talked with my fellows in the church and I have talked with God. The church would welcome me back to pastoral life, I think, were I to want such a thing, I have not abandoned God. If anything, I have grown closer to Him since leaving the path to priesthood.
 
 But that door nonetheless seems shut to me. I made the decision, however brashly, and there is nothing more to be done. It was the *right* decision, too. It was right at the time and it remains so to this day.
 
@@ -76,7 +76,7 @@ I remember shrugging and saying, "It's still on my mind. I've been thinking a lo
 
 "Yes," he replied. "But why are you talking about a snap decision when you can't make any decision about Kay? What's different?"
 
-This hit me in a strange way. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that this was precisely the problem I was facing, that the problem was that the decision came to me with no forethought. However, a therapist usually does not go out of their way to wrong-foot a client without there being more to the question, and so I motioned for him to continue.
+This was more impactful at the time than it seems writing now. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that this was precisely the problem I was facing, that the problem was that the decision came to me with no forethought. However, a therapist usually does not go out of their way to wrong-foot a client without there being more to the question, and so I motioned for him to continue.
 
 "You are a very deliberate person, there is no denying that. You live your entire life in a deliberate fashion. I think we would both agree that your leaving Saint John's was sudden, yes, but still deliberate." He paused and waited for me to nod. "But when you talk about your feelings on Kay, all of that falls away. You waffle and equivocate and stay put, never moving forward."
 
@@ -92,7 +92,7 @@ This hit me in a strange way. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that this was pre
 
 I was not able to come up with the word for it during the session, but I think I have it now: I am missing the *basis* for my feelings. They are not *grounded* in anything. Yes, she's a friend. Yes, we share similarities. Yes, she's attractive and my species and a potential partner.
 
-But there's no real basis for these feelings. All of those things were true when we met. They were all true when we hugged after her senior recital. They remain true today. Nothing has changed in our communications other than them moving primarily online and occasionally over voice or video, and yet out of nowhere I suddenly have this enormous desire for her. Not physical desire, though I would not turn down the intimacy, but a desire for her presence. A longing.
+But there's no real basis for these feelings. All of those things were true when we met. They were all true when we hugged after her senior recital. They remain true today. Nothing has changed in our communications other than them moving primarily online and occasionally over voice or video, and yet out of nowhere I suddenly have this enormous desire for her. Not physical desire --- though I would not turn down the intimacy --- but a desire for her presence. A longing.
 
 There is a concept that I think touches on this set of feelings, which is that of limerence. As long as I am to work on my emotional literacy, it is best that I start trying to name what I feel. To call what I am feeling a 'crush' feels inexact. It is not puppy love. It is not new relationship energy. It is not lust. It is an uncontrollable romantic desire.