diff --git a/writing/post-self/mitzvot/029.md b/writing/post-self/mitzvot/029.md index b5528456..624ab246 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/mitzvot/029.md +++ b/writing/post-self/mitzvot/029.md @@ -1,8 +1,8 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had been made after that had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once. +Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had followed had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once. -All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) stalemate between Jonas and True Name that gave them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away. +All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) truce between Jonas and True Name that had finally given them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away. Ey'd harbored a concern, one borne out of stress, that May might just merge down without talking further, but ey kept that to emself, doing eir level best to reason emself out of it. The last thing they needed at the moment was eir mind playing tricks on em. @@ -14,17 +14,22 @@ After bringing this up with May, however, she had laughed and poked em in the be "Given how anxious I've been, I'd appreciate that," ey had said. "But no need to share anything private." -And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information redacted. +And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information held back. They spent much of their time discussing various parts of May's life and how comfortable she'd feel sharing those through a merge, and if not, why not. Surprisingly, they also talked with End Waking several times, the third skunk of the stanza coming out to visit her prairie so that they could discuss the ramifications of their merge and how to be more thoughtful with May's. +That first meeting had been more silence than not, more walking and thinking and not looking at each other than anything. They paced back and forth along the bank of the river, then stared into the oxbow pond, each occasionally failing to start a conversation. They had greater success with subsequent meetings, but they'd never been comfortable. + + This wasn't to say that ey didn't have a chance to sit with them at times and discuss eir thoughts on the matter, of course. -"Feelings are complex, Ioan," True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. "If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure what memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them." +"Feelings are complex, Ioan," True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. "If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure which memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them." -Ey nodded. "That much I can certainly understand. I trust the idea that you'll be a synthesis of your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you." +Ey nodded. "That much I can certainly understand. I trust the idea that you'll be built up from your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you." -"Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about you after this. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that." +"Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about anything after this, much less you. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that." + +Ioan bowed eir thanks "I have been wondering how your feelings toward Debarre have shifted," End Waking said. @@ -38,9 +43,9 @@ May dipped her muzzle and apologized as well, saying, "I do feel bad about how t "It is not okay," End Waking said, then hastened to add when his cocladist flinched away, "It is what we have to work with, and it is perhaps what the times called for." -May nodded. +May nodded, still cowed. -"I am of two minds," True Name said. "I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it so purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so." +"I am of two minds," True Name said. "I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so." "The same as you did with me and Codrin?" Ioan asked. "With the history, I mean." @@ -48,11 +53,11 @@ She nodded. "It was-- it felt like a necessity at the time. I am not some cold, "I remember so little of that," May said. -True Name shrugged. "As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to minimize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your *mitzvot* of loving and caring." +True Name shrugged. "As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to contain and compartmentalize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your *mitzvot* of loving and caring." May sighed. -"I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it." +"I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it. It is what it is specifically because I was what I was." "Perhaps you will learn from your merge," End Waking said. @@ -70,7 +75,7 @@ Ey poured emself a cup of coffee before joining them. "Appreciate it. Hope I'm n True Name shook her head. "We are discussing our plan for the day." -Ey knit eir brow, taking a sip of coffee. "Is today the day, then?" +Ey bought emself a moment by taking a sip of coffee. "Is today the day, then?" "May Then My Name thinks so, but we were also waiting for you to join us to make sure." @@ -84,7 +89,7 @@ Ioan stared after the departing skunk and shook eir head. "You guys are so weird They both laughed. -"Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meanwhile," True Name continued. "And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge." +"Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meantime," True Name continued. "And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge." "And your fork is just there in case something goes wrong?" @@ -100,19 +105,19 @@ Ioan leaned over and ruffled a hand over the skunk's ears. "Yeah, you definitely "Yes, yes, and you love me for it." She laughed and pushed eir hand away, straightening the mussed up fur. "Breakfast first, though, and then we can work from there." -After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was made set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest. +After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest. "Are you sure you don't want to set up something out in the prairie?" -"I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is. Comfort will only ever help." +"I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is to focus on my mind. Comfort will only ever help." They also supplied her with ready water, coffee, and a few comforting snacks on one of the bedside tables so that she wouldn't have to get up just to go to the kitchen. -Another beanbag was added for May, in case True Name requested that she stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself. +Another beanbag was added by the bed, in case True Name requested that they stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself. It felt like rather a lot of preparations to make just for a merge, but then May had last merged down 83 years before ey had even uploaded --- nearly 64 before ey'd even been born --- and after seeing how intense End Waking's merge had been, none of them felt up to cutting any corners and having to rush comfort after the fact. -Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing. +Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made that weren't just stalling, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing. "I don't even know why I'm fretting so much, I'm not even the one merging." @@ -120,13 +125,13 @@ True Name smiled faintly and shrugged. "I am fretting too, my dear, do not worry "It is a big event," May added. "It will be an even bigger merge and, while it may be more comfortable than End Waking merging down as she has said, it will be no less complex." -Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. "Right, right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it." +Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. "Right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it." "Please stay, Ioan," True Name said quietly. "Stay?" -"Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well..." She frowned as though hunting for words. "You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I do appreciate your presence." +"Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well..." She frowned as though hunting for words. "You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I appreciate your presence." Ey considered any number of responses ey could give before just nodding. If nothing else, ey didn't want to hold either of the skunks up from what would most certainly affect both of them more than it would em. @@ -182,4 +187,4 @@ She snorted. "God, no. I think she would lose it." Ey nodded and combed eir fingers through the fur on the nape of her neck. "So she'll be left with a complex view of that --- or, well, a couple of them, I guess --- maybe enough for her change how she moves through the world. Think it'll be enough for Jonas?" -The skunk rolled until she was resting nearly face down against eir thigh to let em pet. "I do not know," she mumbled. "I do not think even she knows." +The skunk rolled until her face was nearly pressed against eir belly to let em pet. "I do not know," she mumbled. "I do not think even she knows."