--- date: 2019-08-18 weight: 1 ---
Self harm
Self harm is a recurring theme within my life. It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality. > An obvious solution. I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that. I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right. > One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies. Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration. I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment. > Now now, what did we say about secrets? And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes. > You spilled the beans. Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it. > You spoiled the surprise. Everyone was so confused. > Lapsus linguae. I was so ashamed. > You spoke too soon. Even my punishment was wrong. > It was the last thing Margaras heard from you. Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days. > He died knowing that about you. If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me. > You cannot take that back. If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake. > You cannot. Please. > You cannot. Oh god. > It was the last thing he heard from you. Merciful god, please take me away. > You never spoke to him again. I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.