--- date: 2019-08-16 weight: 6 --- A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up. My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, [but my heart wasn't in it anymore](https://adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/). > There was a reason behind this. There were people behind this. Well, true. I don't know how to square that with...well, a lot of things. > You don't know how to square that with how you felt about those people at the time. That's one aspect, yes. I also don't know how to square that with the fact that I was growing too jaded in a lot more than just furry. I grew jaded at school. I grew jaded at work. I struggled with my relationships. I struggled. > You struggled with gender. Well, yes, but I wasn't quite ready to admit that, yet. > You struggled with self harm. Yes. > You struggled with the intersections, the interstices, and the liminal spaces. I was going to write about [a][s]. Where are you taking me? > Straight homeward to your symbol-essences. Shall I not die, then? > Isn't that the point of writing? I'm pretty sure all our names are writ on water at this point. > Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up. You're in a mood. > You're in a mood. Fine. Where are you taking me? > Let [a][s] speak for [a][s]. Let yourself speak for yourself. Okay.