2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
<!doctype html>
|
|
|
|
|
<html>
|
|
|
|
|
<head>
|
|
|
|
|
<title>Zk | 2013-09-22-anxiety-followup</title>
|
|
|
|
|
<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="/style.css" />
|
|
|
|
|
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width" />
|
|
|
|
|
<meta charset="utf-8" />
|
|
|
|
|
</head>
|
|
|
|
|
<body>
|
|
|
|
|
<main>
|
|
|
|
|
<header>
|
|
|
|
|
<h1>Zk | 2013-09-22-anxiety-followup</h1>
|
|
|
|
|
</header>
|
|
|
|
|
<article class="content">
|
|
|
|
|
<hr />
|
|
|
|
|
<p>type: post
|
|
|
|
|
title: Anxiety - Follow-up
|
|
|
|
|
slug: anxiety-follow-up
|
|
|
|
|
date: 2013-09-22</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<hr />
|
|
|
|
|
<p>The last few days have, honestly, been a bit of a rush, in terms of just how
|
|
|
|
|
real I feel, compared to the last few weeks, minus this afternoon. I never do
|
|
|
|
|
well with shopping on the weekends. I love shopping, really, and I also love
|
|
|
|
|
weekends, but these clots of people studiously ignoring each other exert a
|
|
|
|
|
pressure on me that is not within my power to ignore.</p>
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
<p>This continued on throughout the day, but given not only the medication I’ve
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
been on of late, but also the amount of attention I have been paying to myself
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
in this realm, I’ve been able to, if not totally control, though there was some
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
of that, at least play a spectator to the mechanisms and action of my anxiety as
|
|
|
|
|
it unfolds.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p>Everything moves in waves, and I like to think that this is because my body is
|
|
|
|
|
responding to a concentration by releasing a response. The response comes on in
|
|
|
|
|
a wave, lasting perhaps five to ten minutes, before the effect starts to fade,
|
|
|
|
|
but the anxiety remains, and so another wave is released. This has been a
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
consistent experience over the last few months, but I’ve noticed that, during an
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
actual panic attack, the sensation disappears, to be replaced by unrelenting
|
|
|
|
|
levels of whatever-it-is involved in the process.</p>
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
<p>I think that the waves have been interesting and notable of late because that’s
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
when I, at the beginning, felt as though I were coming to some grand realization
|
|
|
|
|
that there was some sinister plan driving the people and things around me. Of
|
|
|
|
|
late, however, this has been a slow ramp up when I am able to brace myself for a
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
sense of “Now I am starting to believe the things I worry about,” and that is
|
|
|
|
|
far less terrifying than “Oh my God these things are really true!”</p>
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
<p>The same has been the case for the auditory aberrations for the last few weeks.
|
|
|
|
|
So absurd is it to hear someone say, as though they were simply notifying you of
|
|
|
|
|
which platform the train would be arriving at, that it is now time for you to
|
|
|
|
|
hang yourself. As I mentioned, the aberrations also included various mocking
|
|
|
|
|
narrations as to what I was doing or thinking at the time, the most memorable
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
being, “Makyo the irrelevant fox,” which…I don’t know. Way to go on
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
incorporating aspects of my life within furry, I guess? And so I turned one of
|
|
|
|
|
these mocking mantras into a response, and those who follow me on Twitter or
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
know me in person know my fondness for the phrase ‘get fucked’ of late.</p>
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
<p>Even so, this is the type of thing that I feel rolling up against me, past me,
|
|
|
|
|
and then through me and on to wherever it is that anxiety goes. Today, after
|
|
|
|
|
that ridiculous shopping trip, I felt anxiety dogging at my heels until dinner
|
|
|
|
|
time, and it was then that I had a moment to pause, let go, and study the
|
|
|
|
|
feeling of the slight delusion involved in the rush, as well as the welling up
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
of other people’s voices.</p>
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
<p>It was intriguing, but, perhaps due to the meds, something I could watch from a
|
|
|
|
|
distance, so long as I put in the effort. I can feel just why the last few
|
|
|
|
|
weeks were as scary as they were, but I was able to take a step back, and also
|
|
|
|
|
able to search back through the events of the day and feel just why it started,
|
|
|
|
|
and what it felt like when it did: a shrinking and bracing, a preparing, a sense
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
of “I had better watch out.” Before that, at some point, I expect that I will
|
|
|
|
|
find similar roots to a raise in levels of anxiety that I’d felt before. Not
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
similar enough to catch in the filters that I had set up, but close.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p>I am not happy about being prescribed benzos again, but I think the last few
|
|
|
|
|
days have shown their utility, and I will use them with as much caution as I
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
can, until I can figure out how the fluoxetine figures in. Either way, I’ll
|
|
|
|
|
take it, and I’ll be sure to keep on myself for finding a way to buttress myself
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
against this (ridiculous, stupid, nonsensical) onslaught.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
|
<footer>
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
<p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p>
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
</footer>
|
|
|
|
|
</main>
|
2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
|
|
|
document.querySelectorAll('.tag').forEach(tag => {
|
|
|
|
|
let text = tag.innerText;
|
|
|
|
|
tag.innerText = '';
|
|
|
|
|
tag.innerHTML = `<a href="/tags.html#${text}">${text}</a>`;
|
|
|
|
|
});
|
|
|
|
|
</script>
|
2020-04-25 04:55:06 +00:00
|
|
|
</body>
|
|
|
|
|
</html>
|
