makyo
/
zk_html
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Projects Releases Wiki Activity
zk_html/writing/ally/self-harm/suicide/006.html

88 lines
4.3 KiB
HTML
Raw Normal View History

update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
<!doctype html>
<html>
<head>
<title>Zk | 006</title>
<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="/style.css" />
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width" />
<meta charset="utf-8" />
</head>
<body>
<main>
<header>
<h1>Zk | 006</h1>
</header>
<article class="content">
<hr />
<p>date: 2019-10-10
weight: 6</p>
<hr />
<p>Okay, I lied. Just a little bit.</p>
<blockquote>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>Yes. You didn&rsquo;t dissociate through the entire thing. There was no small part of that scene that was horribly, terrfyingly intentional.</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
</blockquote>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>What really woke me up was watching this person-who-was-me somehow go into &lsquo;fuck it&rsquo; mode and tear the shit out of his right arm from one end to the other with a very sharp, very new razor blade.</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
<p>It was like the rush of coming to your senses after a nightmare, the pulling forward and the re-anchoring, the flood of adrenaline in preparation for flight.</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>It wasn&rsquo;t necessarily the cut that woke me. It was the second or so before when I entered that &lsquo;fuck it&rsquo; mode, and I was too slow, too confused and frightened to stop this person-who-was-me from pulling the ultimate embarrassing act: trying to commit suicide while watching a dumb &rsquo;90s science fiction show.</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
<blockquote>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>It was a slow awakening. You weren&rsquo;t just too slow, you were not fully awake yet. The dream of dissociation was still clinging, gauzy, to you.</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
</blockquote>
<div class="verse">V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.</div>
<p>I can remember it so clearly.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You can remember it because you still live it.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Yes. I still feel that slide into someone-else-ness, and then the snap back when drawn back into self-ness. Back into here and now.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You felt that last night.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Yes.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You felt that slide into dissociation, felt the folding blade click into place with a vague sense of surprise, then jolted as it drew across your leg.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Yes.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You felt that same jolt of humiliation and pain and anger and fear.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Yes.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Especially this time. You cut too deep. Your usual superficial-yet-still-painful scratch had turned into something of a flay.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Yes.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You needed twelve stitches. You lied and said you dropped your knife while cleaning it.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Yes.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Are you writing about this now because you were, on some subconscious level, working up to this most recent little climax?</p>
</blockquote>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>I really don&rsquo;t know.</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
<blockquote>
<p>Tell me what happened after.</p>
</blockquote>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>I started whispering James&rsquo; name&ndash;</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
<blockquote>
<p>Both times?</p>
</blockquote>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. &ldquo;Can you come help me?&rdquo; I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that.</p>
<p>Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur &mdash; I hadn&rsquo;t totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics &mdash; I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t want to leave you, I don&rsquo;t want to leave Zephyr, I don&rsquo;t know why I did that, I&rsquo;m sorry&rdquo; over and over again.</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
</article>
<footer>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
</footer>
</main>
update from sparkleup
2020-06-24 07:15:07 +00:00
<script type="text/javascript">
document.querySelectorAll('.tag').forEach(tag => {
let text = tag.innerText;
tag.innerText = '';
tag.innerHTML = `<a href="/tags.html#${text}">${text}</a>`;
});
</script>
update from sparkleup
2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
</body>
</html>